Perhaps it was my own ignorance at play, but lately, Asuka's been becoming far more difficult for me to figure out than I had assumed she would be. She had always seemed like an easy read, and I got too comfortable in thinking that.

I still felt really bad about how I acted, and how I made her feel some of those hard emotions she had been holding in. Because of that, I've been trying to give her some space. Though, probably from the embarrassment of realizing just how much of her feelings she had blurted out to me, she's slowly become quite withdrawn these past couple days herself. It's left us in this strange purgatory where we've been managing to avoid each other despite living in the same apartment.

I do hope I didn't mess anything up between us, but I wouldn't say I regret what I did or said. If it offered her even the slightest bit of respite, then that suffices for me.

This particular evening marked the first return to sync testing since the Angel infiltrated the HQ.

Each pilot was to be tested individually, and Asuka's was slated as the last, meaning we probably wouldn't be back home until sometime after midnight. Tomorrow was a day off for the two of us, luckily, so my plan was to try and do something then as a peace offering. I didn't really know what I was going to do yet, but I did have the whole night to brainstorm.

That said, I have found myself wondering these days if getting involved with her life this much has been doing more harm than good. Maybe this distance we're giving each other will do us some good. I mean, she did ask why I don't leave her alone more often, and while my answer was genuine, it has gotten me thinking about where we should go from here. Misato and Shinji seem fine being as close as they appear to be, though that might just be my ignorance again.

Decisions, decisions.

Oh, and we've finally entered December! Years and years ago, I'd've been patiently waiting for the snow to start falling around this time. Ever since the Second Impact, however, I haven't seen a flake fall in Japan. Plus, it was a bit difficult to find myself excited for events like Christmas and New Years with how things are. Not just because I was worried Asuka's sour mood would persist through, but also because there was no way to tell if the Angels would let us have that time to celebrate anything. That's what lingered heaviest in the back of my mind, since the worst thing we can do is become complacent.

…I also felt like I was forgetting something, which was a wonderful feeling.

When Asuka returned home from school, she immediately crashed herself down onto the couch in a bombastic fashion. This was nothing new per se, but I felt the need to prod for some reason. Some would say I don't know how to learn my lesson, but there's also a kind of instinct that makes me want to check up on her, even if I was trying to give her space.

"...bad day at school?"

She turned her head on the couch cushion to give me a look, one absolutely dripping with an energy that screamed "don't ask".

It was curious though, wasn't it?

I didn't think I had any reason to worry about how her school life was going. It always seemed to me like she just wanted to keep those aspects of her life separate, not that I could blame her. After the other night though, I couldn't help but analyze how she acted regarding school as well. Was all this causing her problems there too?

That stupid school, she had said. Just another thing she has to put up with while being an Eva pilot. Even the best marks she receives, the highest honors, the gold medals; none of it actually means anything to her, does it? Just a momentary boost to her pride. However, failing marks or falling short of goals? Those sorts of things probably bring her down just as much as any other loss. Is that how she thinks? Is the scale with which she weighs the goods and bads in her life skewed that much towards being an Eva pilot, but only for the positive outcomes?

…was I just being ignorant again? There's no way she'd be straight up with me, especially not now, so all I can really do is make more assumptions. Not that realizing that makes me feel any better…

"...is that all you're going to ask?"

Her face has moved back to being squished against the couch, so I could barely make out what she said.

"Well, you haven't really seemed to be in a talking mood lately." I chuckled softly, poking a bit of fun at our situation as of late.

Asuka waited a moment before responding.

"Yeah, I'm just… y'know." She turned onto her back. "Thinking about stuff, I guess."

Makes sense. She's said that a couple times lately. I can't exactly blame her, there's plenty for her to think about. I hope she's not getting weighed down too much by it though.

"...I see. Well, you're aware of tonight's sync test, right?" I reminded her.

"Duh, you told me yesterday."

"Oh… Right, I had forgotten." In my haste to make small talk, it slipped my mind.

Asuka stared at me for a few seconds before turning her back to me.

"Idiot."

Maybe it's just because of the tense atmosphere, but that word she loved to throw out with a non-committal attitude any chance she got suddenly held a lot more weight said under this circumstance. It stung a bit, honestly.

After a while, it seemed she had decided to take a nap. Fair enough, the testing was going to be late and it'd certainly be bad form to fall asleep during, but I couldn't shake the feeling that she was in a worse mood than she was letting on. I hoped I was just imagining that. Surely she'd bounce back eventually, right? Like she always does? I mean, she was excited by the prospect of learning how to cook yakimeshi the other night… I think she was, anyway. What if she was just hiding how she felt again, so I'd get off her back…

Maybe I really am an idiot.

The drive to the HQ was a quiet one, not that I expected her to suddenly be in a talkative mood now or anything.

Her head turned towards the window as I started driving and hadn't moved yet. I wanted to say something, that instinct sparking again, but I just stayed quiet. If she was working through these things, I didn't want to disturb her. …or was she waiting for me to say something? I could feel my thoughts beginning to swirl uncomfortably in my head.

In the end, neither of us spoke the entire ride.

"So, was I mistaken in noticing the atmosphere between the two of you had changed this evening?"

Dr. Akagi wasted no time in calling attention to that. She said it so nonchalantly, without even glancing at me, it almost caught me off guard. I guess with Misato not being here to take up the social reins, it was left to me to pick up the conversational slack for the next couple hours.

"How do you mean?"

I heard her make a soft exhale. "Usually the two of you are having some sort of playful spat, or you're talking like pals, but today? Nothing of the sort."

Swallowing hard, I scratched the back of my neck in nervousness. It was a little annoying to have the change pointed out like that, I'll be honest. Regardless, it's not like I could give her all the details anyway; I had promised I wouldn't.

"Just an argument. Nothing either of us could really do about it." That was a lie, in a way. I was the one that turned it into the situation that occurred. "You know how teenagers are." A small laugh to play it off with, though it felt like Dr. Akagi saw right through it.

She looked at me over her shoulder. "Yes, well, as long as it doesn't interfere with the test results, you can argue as much as you'd both like." She really did have a tendency to come off pretty coldly, didn't she. Results are what matter most to her, so I shouldn't be surprised. If anything, it was that kind of attitude that was continually making me wary of all of this.

To a degree, maybe Asuka's worries weren't unfounded. If her harmonics tests start showing decreased scores, then the logical conclusion in this high priority operation like this would be…

…but that's never going to happen here, right? Asuka's amazing! She runs circles around Shinji and Rei in these tests, there's hundreds of hours of data to back that up! Asuka's just having a down spell, that's all. Of course she would worry about things that are just nonsensical, or outcomes that are wildly blown out of proportion. She's only human, no matter how infallible she acts like she is sometimes.

Just a few bad days in a row. That's all it was. It had to be.

The preliminary setup went smoothly enough, and Asuka's early readouts seemed normal enough compared to her usuals. It was definitely impressive to see these numbers every time. Her ability to hit harmonic rates like this so consistently was impeccable. Even in a mood like this, she makes it seem so easy. It's also probably therapeutic for her, in a way.

Though, for some reason, Dr. Akagi wore a somewhat concerned expression. It could've been a mistake on my end, a trick of the light or something, but I did wonder briefly what that could mean.

As the main testing process began to run its course, Dr. Akagi stood up.

"I know it's already late, but would you like some coffee?" I nodded, since I don't think there's ever a bad time for coffee, and she continued. "You just keep an eye on the readouts, let me know if anything changes when I get back."

"Oh, sure thing." As I spoke, her heels clicked against the tiles, and she left with the other operators and Maya, who had all been working on terminals at the back of the room.

Thus, I was left alone.

Well, not completely alone. Asuka was just a comm call away, sitting in her testing plug.

I glanced over her readouts again. They still seemed normal to me. Her connection to Unit-02 was just that good. I was starting to feel relieved.

…Though, her numbers were a little flatter than normal, I suppose. Under this pressure, she used to spike frequently, but that didn't seem to be happening here. In one fell swoop, the relief dissipated and the anxiety returned. What if this leveling out is my fault? What if…

Damn it, my head is swirling again.

I considered calling her to have a chat while I waited, it could take my mind off things. Mmh, probably not the best idea. She might be concentrating and I'd just end up bothering her. Well, I could always take this time to think of what I'd do tomorrow to try and bring us back to normal.

Plenty of options, and plenty of Tokyo-3 I still haven't seen. The mountainside, the amusement park, the unfinished areas of the city, the numerous shopping districts with arcades and multi-level convenience stores. Even the Geofront itself might be fun to explore sometime, since it's essentially an underground nature reserve. Who knows what we'd find down here on a hike or a camping trip.

…As good as those ideas might seem, the last thing I want to do is suddenly spring something on Asuka that she's not really interested in. Then, maybe it'd be better to just do something at home? Order a pizza and watch a movie? I could ask her to teach me how to play that video game she carries around with her as well. Tomorrow might even be a good time to ask her to make that yakimeshi for us…

I felt a pit growing in my stomach.

Here I was, trying to think of all these options I could choose to smooth things out again, but really… they were all just to make me feel better, weren't they? Like, as long as she was wearing a smile, it didn't matter to me what it could be hiding. Acting like that's part of how I got us in this mess to begin with, and I really shouldn't be like that.

In any case, it really shouldn't be some sort of surprise, or something I come up with myself. I should ask Asuka to tell me what she wants to do, but therein lies the problem. She doesn't seem like she wants to talk at all, and forcing her to would only cause more issues.

There's the swirling of my thoughts again. How the hell did I end up back at this stage?

Why am I such an…

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The comms began ringing softly, and a small red light flashed. That was the testing plug's line. Thankfully, I knew how to operate a lot of this stuff, so I could open it, but… why was she calling now? Was something wrong?

"Hey. Is something the matter?" I realized quickly that I sounded far more distressed than I had meant to.

No response for a moment. I probably freaked her out, honestly. When she did speak, she had a tone in her voice I couldn't quite place.

"...I thought Dr. Akagi was going to be the one to answer, not you."

I frowned. "Not you"? Was acting this pissed off with me really necessary? What am I doing wrong? Despite that, I wouldn't say she sounded mad either. Just… out of it.

"...Sorry. Just me here, for now. I can call you back when the doctor re-"

"N-No, I didn't mean to say it like that, dummkopf. You know what I mean! I just wanted to know if you had the time, that's all…"

Oh. I let out an oddly relieved breath. Just how much of this situation am I overthinking, man? How did I almost convince myself she's suddenly angry with me when she obviously isn't? At least, I think she isn't. Damn it! I bit my lip in frustration.

"Sorry. It's… a little past 10pm. The test shouldn't take much longer than 2 hours." She didn't respond, so we sat in silence for a few minutes. Where was Dr. Akagi with that coffee!? At this rate, I had to say something to try and do away with the awkward air. "S-So… How's the testing going?"

"...You would know better than me. You're the one looking at the numbers, aren't you?"

Well, she had me there.

Without letting my head try to play around with things too much, her results really did look about as you'd expect them to for now. I don't know what my brain's trying to do to me here. When Dr. Akagi gets back, she'll be pushing the test in different directions, and that'll give a much better idea of how things are going. I wonder if that'll make me anxious again, or if it'll cement my relief?

"Ah, right." I chuckled. "My head's been somewhere else tonight, my bad."

"...just tonight?"

"No. No, I guess not." I let out a sigh I hadn't realized I'd been holding back. "I've just been worried for the last few days that what we… talked about might've done something to you. You've been so distant, I don't know if you've been embarrassed, or–"

"Embarrassed!? Oh, shut up!" Her voice peaked coming through the receiver, the static making me wince. "ARRGH, you're an idiot! A giant idiot! You don't get to say something like that after making this big of a deal out of everything! I showed you weakness for a little bit, and immediately afterwards you walked around for DAYS acting like everything was your fault! How the hell else was I supposed to feel!? You made the apartment so damn awkward, of course it was going to bring me down, stupid! Stupid! I'm not embarrassed, not even a little bit. I'm already over it all, so just… just… HURRY UP AND GO BACK TO NORMAL, DAMMIT!"

…

I just sat there, stunned. It felt like she had stepped out of the comm devices and punched me in the face.

The question of "how much was I overthinking this" just revealed its very foolish answer: so much that most of the problems really were coming from me, just not in the way I thought they were…

I slumped in my seat. I'm a functional adult with responsibilities, and I just had to get my second wake-up call from a 14 year old. Absolutely bang-up job here, Matsuo, fucking incredible work.

Oh, and the cherry on top. About halfway through Asuka's emotional spiel, I could've sworn I heard the door to the room open, so I'm certain everyone had just gotten an earful of most of that along with me.

The coffee cup tapping against my shoulder was the only sign I needed, and my blood ran cold.

If things weren't awkward enough before, they were unbearably so now.

Dr. Akagi didn't take too kindly to "personal matters interfering with the testing process", so we both ended up getting a lengthy lecture about our conduct. Said lecture ended up making the prior test results void due to the fluctuations in harmonics, so Asuka had to go through another start-up process, and the whole procedure had to go from the top again.

The testing room was ice cold for the three hours we all sat in silence, and I could feel Maya's eyes gouging into my back from her seat behind me the entire time.

I really can't blame anyone but myself for this, through and through. Oddly, it was a bit of weight off my shoulders to have Asuka yell at me like that to get me back to my senses. It felt… well, normal. That's just how we do things; I say something dumb, Asuka makes a scene about it. Something of a SNAFU deal, sure, but it's what we're used to.

Yet, here we were.
In the car, driving back to the apartment.
1:27AM.
Asuka looked even more depressed now than she did when we were driving to the HQ.
So, of course, I decided to speak this time.

"...Well, Dr. Akagi sure was passionate tonight, huh? She really gave us a piece of her mind…"

Asuka scoffed. "She can blow hot air at me for hours if she wanted to. I said what I had to say to you, so who cares what she thinks."

The streetlights flicked past the windows, the dull glows lighting up her soured expression rhythmically.

"...I just haven't been on top of things lately, have I?"

"Not really, no." Her blunt honesty was refreshing, as always. "...and look, I'm still not ready to talk about anything yet, okay? I'm trying to place my thoughts, so can we please just shut up about all this nonsense and be ourselves again? I hate feeling like this, and there's no way you don't, so…"

Both of us could use a return to baseline, that I can agree with.

"Consider it done." I did my part. I reached out to her. I let Asuka know I'm here. I don't want to force her to try and open up to me anymore, that wouldn't be fair to her. "Well, tomorrow's a day off, so a perfect time to start putting things back in place, no?"

"...yeah, maybe."

Even with the promise of returning to normal, Asuka's mood still didn't pop back up right away. It's obvious there's still something weighing on her mind, something that she had been worried about even before our argument, and I had already since realized exactly what that thing could be.

Earlier today, I felt like I was forgetting something. The fog in my head due to my own stupidity was blocking me from realizing tomorrow's date. A slot on the calendar that didn't really hold any significance to me before this year, yet I had scribbled a note down on it sometime after Asuka came to live with me. I forget if it was by something Misato had said, or something I might've seen in a file briefly, but it sat dormant in the back of my mind. It was completely under the radar until a few days ago, when I flipped the calendar over to this month. I didn't put much thought into the scribble at that time, as I was busy with other things in my head.

That said, three hours in a silent room, with nothing but your thoughts and a newly cleared fog as well? You begin to think about everything, and one such thing just so happened to be the last big question left on my mind.

What did I forget?

Asuka's a weird little thing. She'd act like this wasn't bothering her, she'd never bring it up herself, but if no one said anything about this in particular, then she'd get angry that people forgot. I know she would, because that's starting to happen right here in front of me.

It's past midnight, after all.
It's now the calendar date I had scribbled something on months ago.

December 4th.

Asuka's birthday.

She probably still thinks I don't know when it is, and that might've had some part in her speech, I'd wager. Do I think she's not embarrassed at all about what she had revealed to me earlier in the week? Nah. It's Asuka, of course her pride would've taken a hit from opening up to me. I just thought that was the whole issue, which got me out of whack in turn.

I think she was mostly concerned, tonight anyway, that I was going to be like this on her birthday as well regardless if I had remembered it or not. Poor thing. I'm deeply sorry I keep screwing up, Asuka, but… there's at least something I can actually try and do for you now.

Something far better than forcing you to combat difficult emotions.

I parked the car outside the nearby 7-Eleven, just down the hill from the park overlooking this part of Tokyo-3. It was on the road to our apartment, so hopefully Asuka wouldn't be too suspicious of this stop. It wasn't much, but at 2AM my options are limited, okay?

"Hey, do you want a snack, or something to drink? I know it's late but since tomorrow's our day off, you can stay up later if you want." I asked politely, in hopes that she'd at least say yes to the snacks.

"Not really. I just want to go home and sleep. I'm kinda sick of today already." She mumbled.

…Okay, not at all what I was looking for. Let's try that again.

"Alright, but let's say you did want a snack. What would you prefer? Cake, chips, a corndog?" She turned and gave me a dirty look.

"I really don't want anything!"

Sorry, Asuka. I can't take no for an answer here. I respect you, but right now I have too many mistakes to make up for, and I'm not letting "not giving you birthday snacks" get added to that list! Honestly, I'm mostly running off of coffee right now, so my judgment might be skewed, but even so!

I took off my seatbelt. My trump card.

"Well, suit yourself. I'm gonna go get a few things, so I don't want to hear any whining later wh–"

"Ugh, okay fine! I'll come in too. I don't trust you to pick out the good stuff by yourself…"

Heh. Hook, line and sinker.

I wasn't really planning on buying this much, but once we both started naming off things, we kinda got carried away. Not that I mind, I didn't have any other presents prepared, so this'll have to do for tonight. Er, this morning? Whatever, I'll run out and find something I can give as an actual present tomorrow.

We drove up to the park afterwards, which was now obviously empty given the time, but the night sky (while cloudy) was still very relaxing to look at. The obelisks of the city's industrial sectors stood tall, even through the pitch-black of night, the odd red lights in the distance mixing with the orange lights of people in their homes really did make for an incredible view, even at this hour.

We exited the car and stepped over the railing onto the slightly dewy grass. It reminded me of the night after the power had been lost to the city.

…we still don't know who did that, do we? Bleh, come on, no time for those thoughts now!

Asuka stretched out onto the grass with a satisfied groan, laying her bag of sodas and candy to her side. "Y'know, you were right. The fresh air really does make me feel a lot better."

"I figured as much." I said, sitting next to her.

Tokyo-3, the city that withstands Angel attacks on a monthly basis. Who knew it could be as tranquil as this? I heard Asuka pop the tab on her soda next to me, and I did the same with my own.

"So hey, you're not planning on keeping me out here all night, are you? I'd much prefer to sleep in my bed than on the grass…" She took a sip.

"Don't worry, we'll go back soon. I just wanted to take in the sights and the air. Take a load off after all… that." Besides, it'd be pretty lame if we just went home and then slept in until the afternoon on your birthday, right? At least this way, even if that does happen, you can say you got a neat view and a soda out of it.

Well, saying it back to myself makes that sound lame too, but… it's the thought that counts! Or something.

"...Lieutenant, your drink's gonna go flat if you just leave it open like that." Quickly realizing I hadn't taken a single sip yet myself, I drank a quick glup and laughed. "Wow, you're actually such a loser!" Asuka said with a guffaw.

"Hey, shouldn't you be filling your mouth with candy instead of bullying me?" We both laughed this time at our dumb banter. Maybe I should soon let her in on what I know. "So, you got any plans for tomorrow?"

Asuka thought about it for a second, her expression looking a bit grim in the process. "No, can't say that I do. Why?"

"Oh, no reason, just wanted to know if you were up for a day out or something. Explore the city, or go shopping. Completely up to you."

She sat upright next to me.

"...are you asking me out on a date!?"

"No."

"Relax, dummy. It was a joke, geez." Considering what I've heard about her and Kaji, I'm almost certain that wasn't a joke, actually. "...but why do you want to go out somewhere, anyway?"

I definitely have to tell her soon. "Oh, would you rather just stay home tomorrow then?"

She slumped back onto the grass again, letting her hair sprawl out. "How am I supposed to know what I'm gonna want to do after I wake up? That'll be hours from now. I might just want to stay in bed."

A smile came across my lips.

"Understandable. Your birthday should be a day of relaxation, after all." Not a single sound escaped her, yet I could sense the expression of surprise she was wearing despite being out of my peripheral vision. "If you did want to sleep in, that's completely fine by me, but I figured you might want to take a little trip? Make a day of it? There's something to be said for a quiet birthday at home as well, though I'll still have to run out and pick you up a proper present. It'd be best if you were there too, since I'm pretty bad at buying gifts. Remember that sweater I bought you?" I laughed at the article of clothing's expense.

"...you knew?" I'll never get used to hearing Asuka talk so meekly, but it's been happening much more frequently lately.

"I knew… sort of." I turned to look at her, meeting her fretful gaze. "It was a long time back, not too long after you got here, I think Misato mentioned it offhand to me? Anyway, I wrote it on the calendar then, and only got reminded about it this morning. Sorry I don't have some kind of present to give you now, but I just hoped this might hold you over until I was able to actually buy something tomorrow."

Asuka sat up again. "...I really do hate it when you apologize so much, Lieutenant. It always makes you sound like you have no confidence. Not a good look at all, very uncool." In a quick motion, she stood, downed the rest of her soda, and grabbed her bag. She began making her way back towards the fence without giving me another look. "...though I really should've expected you'd know my birthday, not like I was hiding it or anything. I just didn't give you enough credit. Oh well, as punishment for not having my gifts immediately available despite knowing my birth date months in advance, I humbly request you make me breakfast in bed tomorrow morning!"

Her smugness had perked back up, which was… a really good sign?
Though perhaps an even better sign, was that smile she tried to hide from me by walking away.

"...my punishment is making you breakfast? I do that every morning anyway." I joked to myself under my breath, as I stood.

"Come on, Lieutenant, pick up the pace! We gotta go to sleep! Your wallet's got a big day tomorrow!" Her auburn hair picked up the park lamps, making her nearly glow from atop the embankment. A bit of an intimidating sight, as Asuka always should be.

Well, it should definitely be fun. I'll make sure of that.