For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

26. Martyr

Chapter 26: Martyr

The chapter where hearts are unraveled.

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Alone. That was the only way to describe it now, for all of the many words that Monika had learned over the course of her life, there was only one that truly encompassed how she felt. Loneliness wasn't just a single feeling overtaking her entire body and mind, rather it accompanied everything else for every moment she was awake. The succulent smell of oden on her walk home was there, but it didn't mean as much as without someone waiting who she could share it with. The twilight skies of winter where pink and blue met in a beautiful cotton candy array that were obsolete and boring to her, now that there was nobody to look at them with her. What good was schoolwork and graduating for a future when that future no longer contained the one thing that had become her entire future? Lying down and rising to and from bed each morning were the worst times, because that was when there was nothing. Nothing to distract from the fact that something was missing.

There was a saying that love, much like death, guided everyone's actions. Loneliness followed both like a wolf, greedily waiting to sink its teeth into the soon-to-be deprived.

The first day, the day when Sayori had left, had seemed like the worst possible day of her life. The pain, the overwhelming despair, they had been so strong they had overpowered her and rendered her unable to move. Unable to see. Unable to think. Unable to do anything, except lie against the wall and mourn in pain. In hindsight however, the first day had been easy with all the feelings and emotions overwhelming her – at least then she had had something to do, had the pain to focus on. It was every day that came after, when Sayori remained gone, that was the worst. The days blurred together into a constant feeling, a constant sensation that tagged along every other thought and emotion like an annoying younger sibling. Loneliness.

The only time it did not dare to follow her was in the shelter of dreams, where her mind would bring the memory of burning skin and warmth to her. They would sit beside one another at the desks in the club and look out at the sunset, the haze of nothingness, and simply exist together. Sometimes they talked, sometimes she ran up to Monika and apologized aloud for everything that had gone wrong, and accepted Monika's own apology without so much as a frown of judgment or distaste on her features. Some nights Monika never saw her face as it was always conveniently hidden from her view, and other nights she didn't quite look like Sayori. But it was always her, that much Monika knew. There was always a classroom, and always the Westminster chime to signal the end of the dream.

In one week, she had convinced herself it was not so. After everything, this would not be how it ended, there was simply no reasoning for it. Sayori would show back up, or send a text, or call with a plan on how to escape the situation that Monika could put into motion. Any day now she knew Sayori would answer one of her texts, or call her back, no matter how many times the phone told her, 'This person is not accepting calls at the moment.' It was just a matter of waiting after all. So she waited, and waited, waiting each day after school staring at her phone and convincing herself that if she looked away for just a second she would miss a call, or a text, a notification that would put her life back to normal.

Life did not pause for Monika's grief. School was a necessity, as was eating, working, and unfortunately interacting with others, but she could at the very least limit those. Sometimes she could focus on her schoolwork, and then just as many times she would sit and stare there and think. Think about everything she did wrong. Then she would think about everything she did wrong. Then before she knew it class was over and she was moving on to the next one. If anyone noticed the school's model student was suffering, they didn't bring it up, everyone went about their business as if everything was completely normal. Could they not see that the world itself should have been ending? That pain beyond pain was being felt? Of course they couldn't, because for them everything was completely normal.

It was during the beginning of the second week that she received her first visit.

She had just arrived home after a rather contemplative walk in the snow when she went to brew herself some tea. Normally she wouldn't have had the energy for such a task, but she needed something warm that didn't involve walking back outside to the convenience store, and she had run out of coffee two days prior. When she had started the kettle, there was nobody but herself, but when she finished pouring her mug she noticed someone was sitting on the edge of her blow-up mattress, their legs crossed politely. She knew who it was, staring at her with an air of mild dissatisfaction like an unimpressed parent, as though she had just snuck in at two in the morning on a school night. Only one person was capable of giving her that kind of look. Herself.

Monika turned and stared at herself, tired puffy eyes of green meeting their equal except for a hunger that she had not held to in years. There were small differences here and there if she looked hard enough; clean auburn hair tied into a ponytail with a pristine white ribbon, a smooth neck unburdened by scratches, and her school uniform in all of its tidy glory. She hated all of it. They were almost as different in looks as they were in personality, with her own unkempt hair that fell to her waist and dirty pajamas, they could've been sisters.

"Get off my bed." Monika muttered as she took a sip of her tea. She missed coffee, but coffee kept her awake, and she didn't want to stay awake any longer than she had to. The other Monika didn't budge, instead she eyed Monika as though she were a bug that had wormed its way into a zapper.

It's my bed too, you know. The other Monika retorted. But shouldn't you be doing something more productive than… well, this? It's unbecoming of us, frankly. You haven't visited Natsuki in a while, wouldn't that be a much better use of our time?

"I'm busy." Monika shrugged as she plopped down on the bed only to feel her backside erupt in pain; her mattress was losing air. "I've got work, school, and the fact that I'm keeping up with those is a miracle in itself. So maybe lay off a little bit, alright?" The tea had spilt onto her pajama leg, but she ignored the nearly scalding heat with a slight grimace. She tried flicking through the channels to try and generate enough noise to capture her attention and make the other Monika disappear. It didn't work.

Really? I hadn't realized, my bad. You've done very well for yourself, getting to work and making enough money to pay rent as well as keep up with your schoolwork. But those aren't options, sustaining yourself is a prerequisite for living any kind of healthy lifestyle. The other Monika was staring her down now, she could feel her own piercing stare and for some reason it made her skin prickle with irritation. You know you're acting foolish, you have responsibilities that need to be taken care of. Didn't you promise Yuri you would watch over Natsuki since she's still under house arrest? Your job was supposed to be to care for them, not sit and wallow in your own self pity because you got dumped.

Monika nearly choked on her tea. "I- what- you killed them!" She shouted. "You! You're the one who couldn't handle being single and started messing with their stats! You accidentally raised Sayori's depression until she killed herself, you fucked with Yuri's obsessive nature until she ended up stabbing herself, and you just straight up deleted Natsuki! So I don't- I don't want to hear anything from you of all people about giving a damn about them! You cared only about yourself until you were the only person left, and then you just had a breakdown and deleted everything!" Monika's cheeks were red, and it wasn't from the heat of the tea now. The other Monika stood up, leaving no indention or weight upon the blow-up mattress as she crossed her arms at Monika and stared in disgust.

Exactly! Don't you think I'd rather you not make the same mistakes we already have? Aren't you supposed to be the one who fixes the mistakes? Grow up.

"I'm allowed to feel bad!" Monika shouted as she tossed her pillow through the condescending image of herself. Her teeth bared down as she looked away and began pulling her boots on, setting her still warm tea on the ground and reaching for her front door. She wanted to hit it with all of her might, but whatever sense she had left told her that pissing off her neighbors and being unruly was not going to solve any of her problems. "Yeah, I'm just so good at taking care of them. One orphaned and on the verge of death while the other is cooped up in house arrest, and one is probably getting force-fed conversion p-propaganda … fuck." She hated thinking about it. She didn't know if it was true or not, but she knew thinking about it would hurt and make her break down again. Without looking back, Monika shut the door behind her.

The decrease in temperature from December to January wasn't just palpable, it was welcomed. The cold was distinct, sharp, it made every pain hurt ten times worse and allowed Monika to focus on the discomfort and bite of the cold instead of internal conflicts. Yuri would have told her something smart, like the cold caused muscles around her nerves to tense up, but Yuri was not here. She barely saw Yuri at school, only ever a passing greeting in the halls. The one time they had crossed paths long enough to talk, Yuri had made it obvious she knew something was wrong. Monika wasn't surprised, Yuri was far from an idiot even if the times they saw each other had become few and far between.

Yuri had grabbed her arm as she was trying to go to her next class. "Monika, please. Talk to me-"

"I'm fine, Yuri."

She was always fine. Always okay. Always moving forward. She was strong, tough, never wavering, never breaking. Couldn't she just give in though, just for once? For all of the losing she did, she never was allowed to just lie down and quit. Every time she tried to concede and admit that she lost, there was always someone who just had to "help" her. Someone who brought her back up and gave her a little push and told her to keep going. Nobody asked if she wanted to keep going, they just decided that part for her. As she approached the hospital she cast a spiteful glare towards the misty sky above her. The temperature outside was so cold that when the automatic doors of the hospital opened, the normally chilly air of the hospital practically revitalized her with how warm it was in comparison.

She hadn't been to visit Natsuki in nearly three weeks, since Christmas. Time could slow down like sap on a tree or speed up faster than hell could scorch a feather, or sometimes it could do both at the same time. Whichever one hurt Monika more, it seemed. A part of her felt guilty of course, she had offered to watch over Natsuki. What if she had died while Monika was away, and nobody was there for her? Being alone, as Monika knew, was a truly terrible experience, and so despite her mental and physical exhaustion she signed into the front desk and hurried towards the elevator. It was her job to always watch over them, wasn't that what her shade had told her?

"Make sure they're okay, Monika! Make sure nobody beats the shit out of them, Monika! You're not allowed to be upset because everyone else has it worse, Monika, no matter how hard you try!" Her mouth zipped shut as the elevator door opened and a nurse stepped inside. Monika stepped out and sighed, cursing herself as she reached Natsuki's room. Natsuki of all people had never asked for her help, and was going through far more than Monika was. As hard as it was to admit despite the overwhelming pressure in her chest, her pain was not the greatest in the world. She couldn't imagine how Natsuki felt, not knowing when her next breath might be her last, and it was this that helped Monika push her feelings and negativity aside as she opened the door.

Natsuki was lying in her bed, eyes closed with her mouth slightly agape as her head slumped on her shoulder with a thin layer of drool. The heart monitor assured Monika she hadn't walked in on something gruesome, but despite this Natsuki did not look any better than she had at Christmas. Pale skin, a gauntness to her cheeks that had only somewhat improved, and of course her eye-patch that still covered whatever it was that was left of her eye. Monika almost turned and left, but she forced herself to stay; it wasn't Natsuki she was upset with after all. Instead she slid over to the wooden chair and sat herself down in it. For a moment she almost thought of saying something, maybe an explanation for why she hadn't been around, or what had happened with Sayori, but then Natsuki's eye creaked open just enough for her to spot the amber iris underneath.

"... look like shit." She croaked absently. Monika smiled and leaned forward to brush a strand of dull stringy hair out of her friend's eyesight.

"It's alright, you've been in the hospital. I wouldn't expect you to look your best, you know."

"Was talkin' about you…"

Monika gave her a rather unimpressed look which earned her a smirk as she glanced down at her own appearance. Natsuki wasn't wrong; she did look terrible with her hair down and matted (The orange ribbon sat crumpled up over the edge of her garbage bin, but something had stopped her from pushing the rest of it in.) and her half-pajamaed outfit was complimented only by her coat. She silently wondered if the rest of her looked just as bad. As Natsuki stretched and sat up against the pillow, her arms falling limply to her sides as though she were still fighting off against the sleep, Monika noticed that the bedside tables held several volumes of manga all neatly stacked to be both out of the way of the doctors while also remaining within reach. The coloring book Yuri had bought her was also nearby, opened to a picture of a cottage in the woods with half of the colors present while the rest remained unfinished. Natsuki caught Monika's eye and grabbed it from the table.

"This thing has kept me from going insane. Not sure I like the shade of brown, but I only have so many colored pencils." Natsuki said as she handed it off, pausing to yawn with her arms stretching into the air. "F-f-fuuuck, sorry. I've got a surgery here soon so they're giving me some time for me to get knocked out… gotta wait for anesthesia to kick in…" Monika glanced down at the book and flipped through a few pages, admiring the colors and shades Natsuki had used for various pictures. She wondered if Sayori still had hers. She suddenly didn't want to look at the book anymore and handed it back without a word, patting her knees as she tried to think of what to say.

"How are you feeling?" She asked lamely. Natsuki didn't mock her question however, instead she shrugged and flipped through the pages herself, her eyes blinking sleepily. "I can uh, you know, leave if you're about to go into surgery. Wouldn't want to keep you awake."

"Nah, I want some company before this. The stuff will knock me out whether you slap me or sing to me so, you know, no worries. As for how I'm doing? Like shit. Always tired, always bored, always in pain, so basically like every other teenager." She stared at one picture in particular and Monika saw it was a very detailed kitchen that Natsuki had taken the time to properly shade various objects by blending the colors of her pencils together. Natsuki looked almost contemplative before slipping into a heavy cough. "I… don't think I'm getting better. My body just isn't strong enough to fight this shit off, no matter how many shots and antibiotics they give me. They're saying certain parts of my body still aren't receiving proper nutrients and stuff. So on top of being blind in one eye, assuming I survive this, I might be a paraplegic. Every teenager's dream."

Monika sat and stared at her friend, waiting for tears or sobs to start erupting in front of her but they never did. She remembered how she had heard Natsuki panicking and sobbing after they had left on Christmas, and here she was looking calm and only mildly agitated about her health. It was always brave faces from Natsuki, no matter the situation, and Monika could not help but feel guilty at how she was reacting over her own predicaments. "Did they say anything? Like, did the Doctors tell you anything about your diagnosis or your symptoms, or any kind of updates?"

Natsuki just shook her head. "Nah, not really. They said when I first got here that the aspergillosis could be potentially lethal if it got to my head, or my heart, or my brain, or… you know, any other vital organ. It just… seems likely, you know? Maybe the stuff they've been giving me has slowed it down, but eventually it'll get to something important. I feel so restless, but it's not like I have the energy to do anything. Ever since I found out Papa was dead, I've just… stopped caring. You know?" They were both silent for a moment and Monika thought she might actually throw up. Natsuki knew about her father. How had she figured it out? Did a doctor slip up? Maybe she saw it in a newspaper? She didn't know, but she had a feeling it was playing a part in Natsuki's health, or lack thereof. She was sure they were both thinking heavily of what this could lead to. The ultimatum. The worst possible scenario. Like Monika needed another one. Natsuki grunted softly and laid back in her bed, closing her eyes. Before Monika could check again to see if she should leave, or if she wanted to talk about her father, Natsuki spoke once more.

"Is love worth it?" She asked plainly as though inquiring about the weather. Monika blinked at her confusedly, silently wondering if Natsuki had some sort of fever before trying to think about her answer. "Like, you would know. You've been in love, you're probably the sappiest person I know, so tell me. Is something like that even worth investing in?"

No, all it does is get you and other people hurt, and for what? Short lived gratification? A warm body in bed? That was the answer she wanted to give at least, but not even in her most bitter and jaded moments could she say it and mean it. Love had hurt her more than anything else in her life, what had spawned from it had led to some of the best and worst times in recent memory. But the bright ones, the ones where she was so happy that she would've lived a hundred more lifetimes in the void just to experience it again, she could not deny those times had existed. It would be an insult to her, her memories, and all that she had sacrificed to get here.

"Love is… so complicated." She chuckled. "It's confusing, you probably don't know what you're doing half the time and the moment you are sure everything changes and suddenly you're lost all over again. You know you- you kinda put a lot of focus into what you want instead of who you are and you might put all that effort in, all the sacrifice, and get left with absolutely nothing. A broken heart, some memories, and a whole lot of wasted time. Then you sit and think 'Where did I go wrong' and try again, except now you're wiser. You're more bitter, more jaded, and you won't ever have the doe-eyed starstruck love again. You'll have a 'cheap knockoff' love because you convinced yourself that the unrealistic kinda love was real, when in reality, the cheap knockoff is the real stuff, and you've spoiled yourself before you ever even got what you wanted."

Monika sighed and hung her head with her hands interlocked between her knees. An image of a girl offering her a hug in the middle of a homeless shelter came to her mind, and she felt her eyes sting just a little. When she looked up, Natsuki was still looking at her, her expression unreadable.

"And then… something will change. You'll find someone who makes your heart beat faster than ever, and you know that they're something special." She smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes as feelings and memories from days and months long past resurfaced. "You know there's a risk, and by giving this person your love you're opening yourself up to have that pain all over again. It's stupid, honestly, it's ridiculous and makes no sense but we still do it. We want to be loved, because there is truly nothing in this world like it, and when you're in the midst of it I promise there will be nothing in the world that is as meaningful. The sun is still warm, but not as warm as when they're with you. Paintings, art, movies, events, they're all fun and exciting and fulfilling, but not as much as if they were there. With you. So…" Monika sighed, hoping the resentment wasn't too evident in her voice. "Yes. Yes, love is worth it. Every single time."

Natsuki stared at her for another moment as if trying to take in and analyze all of Monika's words, and for a brief moment Monika worried that the anesthesia had worked with her eyes still open when she opened her mouth instead.

"The fact that you can say all of that, after what Sayori did… I think it's more telling than anything that you actually just said to me." She finally croaked.

"W-wait, what? How do you know-"

"She came to visit me." Natsuki laid back down and slid comfortably into her bed, eyes blinking heavily with sleep as she nestled in. "I was half asleep when she came in, and I thought I'd give her a little scare – you know, jump up at her when she wasn't expecting it. Then she started talking… confessing. You'd be amazed what people will say when they think you're asleep, honestly. It's how I found out about Papa… because she mentioned how she wanted to be here for me when he was buried, but that she couldn't anymore." Natsuki looked at Monika with something she didn't see often reflected in those amber eyes. Pity. She wasn't sure she liked it and silently wished for her friend to go back to scorning her. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? "She cried so hard I was worried she'd end up waterboarding me, but if half of what she said was true… and judging by how you look like shit, then she isn't around anymore, is she?"

Monika hoped her eyes weren't as red and puffed up as they felt, but her lip was starting to quiver and she knew she couldn't hide that. She covered her eyes with her hand and nodded, gritting her teeth as she tried to bite back gasps. It was all still so fresh for her. So visceral, so real and undiluted by time or distraction. Natsuki's eyes were also closed, though she reached a hand over and placed it on Monika's knee and squeezed.

"Look man, I have had a lot of time to think in this bed." Natsuki muttered firmly. "I've thought about Sayori, and Yuri, you, Papa… my stupid dipshit mom who left when I was four. I've thought a lot about myself too. I've thought about how likely it is I'll die in this bed, and how there are so many things I have left to say. Yeah yeah, I know, leave it to Nat to not shut up until she kicks the bucket." She tried to laugh, only for it to transition into a raspy cough. "Papa is… he's g-gone, you know? There's so many things I wanted to say to him, NEEDED to say even, and I won't get the chance because his stupid drunk ass bled to death. I'll never see my mom again and get closure on that, and I missed Sayori's goodbye pretending to sleep and she probably won't ever want to talk to any of us again to keep things from getting complicated, cause that's how her brain works."

"But I need to say things to Yuri." Natsuki's hand gripped her knee tighter, clenching around the extra cloth from her pajamas. "I need… I need to apologize, and to thank, and… a lot of things. Maybe if I had never ended up here I could've told her myself, maybe we'd be in school right now and I'd have my chance but… look, just take it as my last request or a friendly favor if I end up living through this; whichever one motivates you more. I need you to bring her here. I need to see her and say… I can't let it go unsaid… she needs to know. People like us, people who mess up and hurt others, we… we have a responsibility to make things right. Not just shrug them off, yeah? Please, please tell me you understand."

And Monika did. She understood better than anyone, the fear of things unsaid. Monika placed a hand over Natsuki's and gently squeezed, to let her know that everything was okay. That she would help her make things right just as Natsuki had promised to her ages ago. Natsuki unclenched her hand and slowly retrieved it. Her eyes were fluttering open and close as Monika realized sleep could take her any moment.

Look how selfish you are. You're so worried about a little breakup for a three-month relationship that you could've missed this, and then who would do this for her? They matter above all else, helping them is how we feel good, remember? This is right. This is what we're supposed to do.

Monika sniffled and wiped at her eyes before giving Natsuki the most confident smile she had left in her. "Hey, of course I will. Don't worry, I'll make sure she's over here as soon as possible, so you just… you keep holding up, alright? And look, I'm… I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't come around sooner, I've just been stewing, brooding while you've-" Natsuki suddenly grabbed her wrist with such speed and intent that for a second Monika was worried she might lunge up out of the bed and tackle her. But instead her amber eyes stared Monika down with an intensity that she had only seen when she had been standing over her, pummeling her into the dirt. She was trying to stay awake.

"Listen to me. Listen." She hissed, her eyes never leaving Monika's. "There's something I need to tell you too, before anything else happens. Something… you need to hear, because there's nobody left to tell you. It is okay to feel. It is okay to be… mad, and upset, and to cry and yell and scream your lungs out when life just fucks your shit. Anger is a uh… oh fuck it's a… secondary emotion! A feeling from another feeling." She was stopped by another yawn as her eyes fluttered again, but she held out even as her grip slackened. "Yuri told me… it's the part of you that doesn't like bad things, that hates what's happening to you and wants to be treated good. So you go, go and hopefully you'll take what I said and learn faster than me. Just don't… hurt uh, yeah… don't do that…"

Monika watched as Natsuki's eyes closed and her head lolled to the side, fear gripping at her heart like talons even though she knew Natsuki was simply asleep. She waited until she was sure that she was breathing, and then with a small wave goodbye she stepped out into the hall. She passed two doctors who were likely on their way to move Natsuki to surgery, but her mind was busy processing many things at once. She thought of Natsuki's advice to her, she thought of her request to bring Yuri, and she thought of something she had merely skimmed over but still stayed firm within Monika's head as she left the hospital.

"Maybe if I had never ended up here I could've told her myself, maybe we'd be in school right now and I'd have my chance."

Guilt. That's what Monika felt. Natsuki no doubt would have avoided weeks of medical procedures and trauma, pain, loss beyond belief if she hadn't interfered. She told Yuri to wait. She was responsible for what happened to Natsuki. If she died, it would be one more death on her conscience. Another friend dead because of her. A dull ache began to form in her head, and in her heart as well and everything seemed to build up within her. Why did she have these burdens? Why her? Was this a punishment of some kind, or could she just not help herself from getting involved? Why was she always alone? Monika felt her feet pick up in speed, she was running down the sidewalk and she didn't know where she was going, but she had to go somewhere. Not Yuri's, not yet. It was important that she got rid of the feelings inside of her before she did anything involving another person, otherwise there was no telling what she'd expel onto them. She had already been short with Yuri, the same Yuri who had always done her best to look after her. Who had saved her from disaster a hundred times over. No, she wouldn't do that. There was someone else who deserved her feelings.

But where could she go? She couldn't do it at home, someone would call the police. School was closed, so the roof wasn't a possibility either despite how close she was. Her chest was getting hotter. She needed to scream, to cry, to do something before she exploded. She looked to her left and realized with a jolt that shewas by the woods. The woods where she had been beaten so bad she had passed out. What better place was there? She trampled into the woods, kicking through a snow covered bush of thistles and chucking a stray rock into a birch. She shouldn't have had to deal with this alone. Nobody should have had to deal with this kind of pain and pressure, and yet here she was. Alone in the woods.

Sayori should have been with her. But if Sayori had been with her, she wouldn't need to be in the woods in the first place. Was that why she was so mad? Because she was abandoned?

"Not the first time I've been left to work things out by myself, Say. No worries." Monika muttered as she kicked another rock out of her path, sending snow flying from her foot. "I'm just so used to it by this point, you probably didn't think it'd make a big difference. Not like I've done literally everything for you!" The smell of the woods was strong, and Monika realized she couldn't hear the sounds of the road anymore. "I dived into a river, a FUCKING river, just for you to leave because… because what?! Because mommy said to or else? Maybe she was lying, did you even bother to consider that? Did you even try to resist her you fucking… you fucking- EEAAAAUGH!" Monika picked up a log the size of her arm and smashed it against the tree, reveling in the satisfying feeling of it shattering on one end. "I did everything, everything! I gave up everything! For you! Everything I ever did, I did to make you happy! Tell me how happy you are Sayori, fucking tell me!"

A rock flew into a tree, chipping the bark and spinning off into the woods. She grabbed another small log and hurled it. It wasn't enough.

I swear on my life that nothing else was a lie! "Yeah, because you put so much stock into your life, like I'm supposed to believe a promise based off that." She kicked a tree as if she expected it to fall over, but all it did was send her tumbling backwards onto her backside. Monika clenched her eyes shut and opened her mouth, a wail of utter hurt and dejection erupting from her like the roar of a lion as the cold of snow bit her exposed skin and seeped through her pajamas. She slammed her fist into the ground, numbing it until it felt like static as tears that blistered with anger threatened to escape. "You… did you even love me? Or did I just force it on you and you just… I don't know, went with the flow to keep things peaceful. If I meant so much to you, why didn't you try harder?! Why…"

Monika stood and faced the trees around her. "I know why. You were no better than them. No wonder they liked you so much, you two are just alike! Leaving me alone because you know better than I do, huh?! Stupid Monika, tricked into thinking she knew what love was again!" Her fist flew outward and slammed into the bark of the tree, the sudden pain shook Monika and nearly made her crumple as she gripped her wrist, and then she did it again. And again. Again and again until she looked at the back of her hand and saw the blood and scrapes on each of her knuckles, but no fracture. Maybe she wanted one. Maybe she deserved one. That would show them and Sayori, breaking her hand in bone fragments would do something, probably. Surely. If not, well, at least she'd have something to distract her. She reared her hand back.

Maybe this is why… maybe we're not fit for relationships. Look at what we're doing, how we're acting. It's… wrong.

Monika looked back at the girl who was standing behind her. She stood atop the snow but left no prints, with an orange bow to keep her beautiful brown hair up into a tail. The blue sweater with a white stripe across the belly, and black jeans that showcased her hips a bit too well. The fearful eyes of blue stared at her with a silent plea that Monika did not want to acknowledge, instead she ran her hands through her own matted hair and gripped it tight as her teeth tried to break against each other.

"Oh for God's sake, why can't I just mourn?! Why can't I be upset, why can't I lash out and say that I am fed up with how life is treating me, huh? Why do I have to sit back and act like a good little girl when I just want this pain to end?!" Monika stomped and screamed her frustration, pulling her hair again as she fell to her knees.

Because you hate it. You hate that we're like this, but we can't stop ourselves from hurting this way.

She didn't have to look up to know that this shade of herself was beside her now. She suddenly wished she was in bed, holding onto a blanket or stuffed animal, anything that would make her feel less alone. She exhaled and tried telling herself that she had a right to feel this way, she had a right to be angry, until Natsuki's voice echoed inside of her head. "Just don't… hurt." It was okay to be angry, to be upset from the things that pained you, and it was okay to express that frustration and to let out your pain, but not if you ended up hurting someone. And Monika was included within that someone.

She wouldn't want this. She would want you to be happy, because she loved you.

"She was probably lying about that too." Monika muttered bitterly as she stared into the snow. "I don't know what was true and what wasn't, but I know that people who love one another don't ignore their partners. They listen, they help, they communicate. She didn't do any of that."

You know her better than that. You know she had some trouble stepping up when it mattered, and we both know that hurt. A lot. But nobody knew her like you do. Who did she constantly come to? Whose hand did she reach for when she had nightmares? Who held you tight and comforted you during all of your nightmares? The shade beside her silently crouched down and she almost imagined her own hand resting along her bag as she knelt against the ground. She wished she could feel it. And you loved her too. You just want to pretend she's a mysterious entity with unknown motives so you have the plausible deniability of being unable to stop this all from happening. But the truth is we know why she did this, as misguided and insensitive as it was. It was because she loved you.

The glade was silent. Not a single puff of snow blew in the wind and every tree in the forest seemed to go still, almost as if it was holding its breath for Monika. Not even the temperature seemed to bother her in that moment, despite the fact that it made her scrapes burn like fire and rage. She took a deep breath and exhaled, letting it roll against the snow that was mere inches from her face. The hardest part about arguing with herself was there was no bluff in the world that would get past the deeper recesses of her mind, not when they were coming from her own mouth.

"I know I don't hate them." She finally whispered to herself after a few minutes of silence. "Either of them. But I've tried so hard to do what I was supposed to, to give them a happy ending. And I guess, give me one too. That's what they said they were doing, giving us all a chance at a happy ending but there's just… misery." She sighed and sat up, knowing the shade was no longer beside her and sat on her knees as she looked around her. "Sayori is gone… I'd give everything up just to see her again, but that wouldn't... I don't know how she'll ever be happy again, and Natsuki is on the verge of dying. With nobody else, Yuri will… I don't know, probably do something stupid like I've been doing. This just isn't a happy ending for any of us."

She stood from her spot in the woods and cradled her bleeding hand, the pain and discomfort beginning to catch up with her as the adrenaline vanished.

"I want to fix this." Monika murmured as she trudged through the snow. "I want to be happy, but if that's still too much to ask I want to at least make them happy. You said we deserved second chances, but this isn't much of a second chance. It just feels like I'm repeating the same problems and making worse mistakes in response to it. What do you want from me? My happiness? My sanity? I've already given you both." The woods fell behind her as she made her way back to the sidewalk and remembered Natsuki's request. The opportunities to do something good were still presented to her, she realized, so long as she didn't mess them up. Her feet carried her down the familiar streets past the school, passing the road to her own house and ever onward until she walked past the pond before Yuri's house. "I want to fix this, or at least some of it. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hurt. I just want to be free of this guilt. Give me a sign, anything, I'll do it…"

Yuri's house looked beautiful in the snow, but Monika didn't stop to admire it. Her limbs were freezing, her clothes soaked from lying in the snow for too long and remaining chilled in the wind that pierced her. She didn't have a plan, partly because her thoughts were too jumbled and anxious to form one, while the other part was that her plans had a terrible habit of never working. She walked right up to the dark wooden porch and was already formulating how she was going to convince Yuri's older brother to allow her to speak to Yuri when she thought of something more sneaky and tactile. Natsuki would have approved even if Yuri did not, but Monika wasn't sure she had the energy to argue, plead, or convince Yuri's brother to allow her to speak to her. After all, the more Yuri and her brother got along, the more likely this was to work. So instead, Monika slipped around the side of the house making sure to keep her head below the windows.

Yuri's room was empty as she peered covertly through the window. Hoping she was actually at home, she passed beneath the window to the spare bedroom she and Sayori had used, the one she realized with a small pang was probably being used by Yuri's brother as it had once been his. A part of her worried the crunch of snow beneath her feet would give her away, that each little step would sound some non-existent alarm and damn her chances of fulfilling her promise. Perhaps she was too paranoid from sneaking around her friend's houses, as she snuck into the backyard with unrivaled ease. Even though the space was limited, the backyard was utterly peaceful as Monika gazed around at the freshly fallen snow that covered the grounds. The only thing that cut through the gentle blanket was a rippling pond that was circled by moss-strewn rocks. There, bending over slightly while staring into the water, was Yuri.

"Psst, Yuri!"

Yuri practically leapt out of the winter coat she was wearing and into the pond, turning and staring at Monika with an appalled expression and her hand to her chest. Under other circumstances Monika might've found the situation amusing, but now she could only wait morosely as Yuri trudged over to her while casting cautious glances around the two of them.

"Monika! What on earth- I practically slipped into the pond! Oh, Ichiro would've had a fit if I had squashed one of our koi, they're already in a vulnerable state due to winter. That's actually what I was in the midst of, checking the temperature of the water since their diets are so specifically limited during the colder months. Oh, but never mind that! What are you doing here, is everything- Monika, are you okay? You look… awful."

"I'm fine." Monika lied. She didn't want to think about the mess she was. "I came because I had to tell you something, but I don't want you to get in trouble with your brother. Can you spare a minute?" Yuri leaned backwards to see if the coast was clear before ushering her underneath the wooden awning where the wind was a little less hostile and offered to go brew a cup of tea, but Monika refused. Yuri went to brew her own and brought Monika one regardless, who nodded her thanks as she took a sip. "Sorry for the trouble. This visit was a little unplanned, but I didn't know how to contact you otherwise."

"Ah, that would be my doing!" Yuri whispered apologetically as she cupped her hands around the cup. "I have cellular access, but forgot to pay the bill while I was off the grid, and it only just came back on today. I should have texted you but, given the circumstances I wasn't sure…"

Monika knew where this was going, and she also knew she wanted to avoid it as much as possible. "So, you and your brother are getting along?" She asked casually. Something in the way Yuri looked at her told her she didn't buy it for a second, but she nodded and jerked her head towards the door.

"Ichiro and I are… we're okay, I believe. Well, maybe not as much now since he saw our parent's room. We're not quite, um… on good terms yet; we have raised our voices, and we have cried a fair bit on both sides, but we are certainly better than the start. I'll be lucky to ever leave the house again…" She sighed and shook her head as she lowered her hood and combed her hair with her fingers. "He is… outgoing and knows how to speak far better than I, true, but he is trying his best as an older sibling and head of the family. He worries about me, being all by myself while he is off at university… I suspect that he feels responsible for anything out of line that I do, likely blaming himself for not being here to prevent such things. The knife at school, Kusumoto, and the police detaining us are prime examples. He's not like Natsuki's father, you know, nothing of the sort. He's not even like… um, well you get the picture."

Monika had a feeling she had been about to mention Sayori's mother, and that only made her feel numb in a way that had nothing to do with the cold. She shivered as she remembered the day of finding Natsuki in her shed. The image of her friend lying bloodied and bruised in the cold was an image she wouldn't be allowed to forget. "Don't remind me. Hated not knowing what was happening to you guys."

"Yes, we are truly lucky they didn't think we were key suspects in the event, otherwise we might still be detained." Yuri glanced off at the snow and seemed to be thinking about that day as well, her eyes becoming glassy as they bored into the snow before returning back to Monika. "But that is in the past. What seems to be the problem as of now?" Monika straightened up and remembered the reason she had come here to begin with. All of the time in the world to think, and Monika still didn't know how to approach the topic. Did she try to ease into it, to subtly let her know that Natsuki might be nearing the point of no return? Did she even have the energy for that, or did she just come out and say it?

The small part of her that was retaining decency decided on the former. "Look, Yuri… Natsuki wants to talk to you. I know you're under strict supervision from your brother, but you should um… you should find a way to go because, well, there's no telling how many visits we have left with her." This was so hard, and the look on Yuri's face was not making it any easier. Why couldn't she just be blunt and say it? Maybe because it would make it more real. "I'm not saying anything bad is around the corner, but… don't be like me and wait until it's too late and fuck everything up, okay?" She took a deep breath and looked at Yuri. Her eyes were still staring into Monika's, and when she blinked she looked away and began glancing around as if some sort of explanation would pop up from the snow. Her mouth opened and closed once, then twice, and Monika could have sworn she heard a strangled gasp from Yuri who was now blinking rapidly.

Finally she looked back at Monika and swallowed before giving a small but shaky nod. "I see. I had hoped I would have more time, but… that's… thank you, for telling me. I shall, um- well I suppose I should get ready to leave then. Ichiro will understand, since it's- and if he doesn't, well I have my car keys and he doesn't. I'll admit, I wasn't sure if you would actually visit her, as with Sayori not being in school I had guessed, but… thank you." She reached forward and made as though to shake Monika's hand, but when Monika took it Yuri did something that was so unlike Yuri it caught Monika completely off guard and she was unable to resist as Yuri pulled her into a hug. For a few seconds Monika stood there with her arms at her side, unsure of what to do or how to react when she remembered something Yuri had told her long ago.

"Even… even if she says 'No' then all you have lost is a lover. You will still have a wonderful friend, someone who knows you better than almost any other, but someone who will still do their utmost to see you happy. That in of itself is a form of love just as valuable as any romance, and I pray you are never foolish enough to lose it."

"I… I messed up, Yuri." Monika whispered as she raised her hand to wipe her eyes. "I was too stupid, and I-I did what you warned me not to! I lost her, and it's my fault!" Yuri was silent for a moment before taking a good breath and giving Monika a comforting squeeze as she continued to weep.

"Monika, you are… you're a very good person. I know that this is hard, but… you are going to be okay." Yuri whispered. "Sayori… I don't know where exactly she's gone, but I can take a guess. All I can say is that she is tougher than me and you know, and that even if everything seems bad now, I have no doubt that one day these weeks will be naught but bad dreams. Sayori is strong, but so are you. You do not think it, you think these days and these feelings will never end, that you will carry this heartbreak with you forever. And you will carry it forever, yes, but the pain will slip away until it is a harmless memory, a reminder. I speak from experience." Monika almost wanted to pull away, to deny herself this act of kindness, but the other part of her that had been craving a helping hand, a warm embrace, to be told that everything would be alright, could not resist the temptation. Her arms slowly raised up and wrapped around Yuri's snow covered parka, taking in the solace of another human being in her arms. Someone who understood, who cared, even if it wasn't the same.

Yuri seemed to have taken a note from Sayori's book on hugs and allowed Monika to stay there for a good deal of time, enough for Monika to soak in the warmth of her friend and allow her tears to fall for just a little while. She knew that Yuri meant well in what she said, that she was likely telling Monika what she would have wanted to have been told during her own heartbreak, but it did not reassure her in the way it should have. Maybe Sayori was strong, and maybe she was too, but the weight of her knowledge and pain was more than just a simple heartbreak. It was an entire lifetime's worth of struggle and loss, and she simply didn't know how to keep going after everything that had happened. Yuri had experience in heartbreak, but unfortunately Monika did too. It would never in her life get any easier to withstand this pain, but in time she could learn to cope with it better. She knew what to expect.

When Monika finally stepped back, Yuri squeezed her arm and tried to smile for both of their sakes. "Monika, I know you are struggling, but please do not struggle alone. I know what it's like, I know this pain, I have learned this lesson so hopefully you do not. I can help you-"

"Nobody can help me." Monika interrupted with a small smile. It was not mean spirited or sardonic, simply a fact that she knew all too well by this point. Help was a laughable notion. "This isn't something anyone can help me with. It's just a journey I have to take by myself, and find the end of the trail one way or another. Alone. But, thank you. For everything you've said, you've been more of a friend than I have ever deserved." She almost reached for another hug but abandoned the idea as she took another step back and turned towards the side of the house. "Go on and see Natsuki, and uh… keep me updated if I miss anything, alright?"

"I only had the courage to confess my feelings to her because of you, Monika." Yuri announced suddenly from behind her. Monika stopped. "It was against all rationale and thought to do it, there were so many things that could go wrong and very real doubts that restrained you, but you did it. You told Sayori how you felt. So, even with all of the doubts and reasons not to, I did. And I just… no matter what happens from it, good or bad, I wouldn't have had that courage without you. Thank you." Monika remained silent. Was that supposed to cheer her up? To hear that she was responsible for the events that had occurred? She closed her eyes and took a deep inhale of the cold air, letting its sting bite her lungs. When she turned back towards Yuri, she made sure it was with her most convincing smile.

"I'm glad I was able to help." She said, and with that she walked through the side yard of Yuri's house and out onto the street as she pulled her cardigan around her shoulders. Yuri's conversation had left her feeling different than when she arrived, though she couldn't quite explain it. It was like a heavy weight in her gut that was trying to escape through her throat, but she would not let whatever it was escape, not just yet. Her body ached from walking all day, her heart and her mind felt just as heavy as her stomach from the emotional weight of the day. When she finally arrived home evening was fast approaching, and without worrying to take a shower or eat she had just enough energy to turn her heater on and fall atop of the mattress, not having the heart to care if it deflated during the night.

Her eyes opened just a crack to see a discarded yellow mass lying a few feet from the bed. With the last of her energy she reached over and grabbed ahold of it, holding it up to reveal the one and only Mr. Duck staring back at her. The cynic in her, and perhaps some of her logistical side, wanted to chuck the duck in the corner and forget such a reminder ever existed. The rest of her wanted the reminder, relished in the faint feeling of satisfaction squeezing it brought, and desperately wanted something to hold onto during the night. Yuri's hug had told her she was not ready to be touch starved again.

"Guess we both got left behind…" She whispered, pulling the duck into her neck and laying back against the pillow. As she closed her eyes, she faintly recalled the scent of cinnamon and vanilla, and allowed it to carry her away into a world where she did not hurt as heavily, and was granted the gift of not being alone; if only for a short time.

---

Monika waited all day for the seemingly inevitable text that would seal Natsuki's fate and tell her she had lost another friend, but it never came. Yuri sent her a text letting her know that she had been to see Natsuki in the hospital after telling her brother that she would break out of the house herself if she wasn't allowed to go and see their friend, and thankfully her brother seemed sensible enough to take her seriously. She was sure there was more to what had transpired between Natsuki and Yuri, but that was their business, and Monika respected that. She didn't have the energy to pry anyway, Yuri's texts became less and less frequent, and when Monika saw her in the hallways she had begun to look more and more like the Yuri she knew from the game. Quiet, distant, uninterested. Silently hurting. She knew just as Monika did that Natsuki was not getting better. One month in the hospital without progress simply did not instill hope.

The days dragged by until Monika stopped counting how long it had been. School tests and work seemed so unimportant now; what was the point in graduating and being a model student if there wasn't anyone she cared about left? Sure, Yuri was still around, but Monika could tell she wasn't the only one feeling defeated from life. If Natsuki died, she had no doubt she would never hear from Yuri again, either from grief or a lack of desire to interact with others. Monika knew losing one love was pain beyond pain, but losing two? She didn't think even she was strong enough to withstand that kind of grueling torture. She wanted to be there for Yuri, like a good friend would, visiting Natsuki every day and encouraging her to get better while making sure Yuri wasn't over worrying and stressing herself to death. But she simply couldn't bring herself to leave her bed most days.

You can fix this. She would tell herself. There's always a way, even if you don't realize it.

"No I can't, and no there isn't." She would mumble, and bury her face into her mess of pillows. "Sometimes you fuck up, and you can't fix it. That's it."

She wanted Sayori. Some days she wanted to throw something at her, others she just wanted to hold her hand for a few more seconds. She wanted to know how she was doing, if she was safe, if she was eating and being treated well wherever she was at. Monika didn't like to think about where she might be, even though she knew it was the most likely option. If Sayori was in a place like that, the only thing she had faith in was that Sayori was probably doing her best to make sure everyone else there was okay. She hoped nobody was mean to her for her over caring nature, and that thought just made Monika more upset and beat her pillow extra hard to get it the right shape. No calls. No texts. Nothing. She hadn't spoken to her father since before Sayori had left, and she didn't feel like doing so would change anything except make her feel worse for failing Sayori.

It was as she went to use her bathroom that she looked in the mirror and saw a familiar face staring back at her. The resemblance to the twenty-eight year old Monika from her dream was uncanny, with messy hair and bags under her eyes. She shuddered as she recalled the taste of tobacco on her lips – and even now she could almost feel the craving she had never had. She tossed her clothes aside and turned on the hot water, something that would normally rejuvenate her, and sat on the stool with her head in her hands.

Well, this is the rest of your life. Better get used to it, she told herself sourly. Failing to watch over the few friends you have left, failure to do anything meaningful every day in a world of freedom you desired so badly. And you're just wasting away, you absolute failure. That's what she was, she realized as she reached for the soap. A failure. Natsuki was dying, and even if (A pretty big 'if' in Monika's book) she lived would probably be severely crippled and hate having to rely on others. Yuri would crumble if Natsuki died, the sheer amount of guilt and regret would be second only to Monika's own in the situation. Sayori was simply gone, likely stuck in some steel church being forced to watch heterosexual pornography or whatever it was until looking at a woman made her puke, or something to that nature. She was a failure.

Failure.

Failure.

Failure. Failed to erase yourself in the game properly, failed to live a normal life, failed to die properly, failed to save Sayori, failed to be a club president, failed to keep your club going. Her breathing was getting heavy against the steam of the room now. Failed to save Natsuki from getting beaten up, failed to stop Yuri from cutting herself, failed to keep Sayori from being depressed. Failed to keep them safe. Failed to keep them together. Failure, failure, failure.

"I KNOW!" Monika shouted as she threw the shower head at the wall and watched it bounce harmlessly off and sway in the shower, hot water spraying the walls and floor as Monika grasped at her hair and choked back a sob as a hundred images flashed in her mind. With shaking hands, she pulled herself out of the shower and turned off the water, retreating to the comfort of her room where the heater had her blankets and pillows already warmed. She didn't shower for several days after that, putting as many days as reasonably possible in between each bathing session.

Her thoughts seemed to eat her from the inside out some days, when she would lie in bed instead of going to work. She had enough money to afford an extra day off or two, enough reserved to keep the bills paid for the month. She wasn't eating as much, nor was she using as much water, so her costs were kept comfortably affordable. Go to school. Go to her club. Come home. Lie in bed. Think. Sleep. Repeat. It was a miserable cycle, but it became familiar to her, comfortable even. She didn't want the sunshine, or the snow, or life at all, she just wanted to melt away in the shadows until she could not feel at all, for only then would she be able to be content and at peace.

She laid on her bed as the television blared background noise for her from some anime that was airing, unsatisfied with Mr. Duck as her companion. She reached over towards the oil burner that sat atop a makeshift bedside table she had made using boxes full of Sayori's things that had been left behind, and added an oil of cinnamon to the burner so that she could be reminded of that mysterious girl's scent whenever she would cuddle up beside her. She didn't know if it made her feel any better, but she liked being embraced in the smell and the memories. Within minutes she had her familiar scent, even if it wasn't perfect, but it just wasn't enough either tonight. She wanted to feel, not just smell, but she was as alone as she had ever been. What made her feel?

A twinge of inspiration sent a shiver down her spine, the idea alone was so outrageous, but at the same time so exciting that she couldn't help herself. The blue and white striped sweater she had been given had lost Sayori's scent months ago, but that wasn't the only article of clothing Monika had left. She carefully but eagerly unstacked the boxes, prying one open to search for the shirt that had been left behind and when she could not find it she began to panic. Surely she had it? She had seen it after Sayori had left, hadn't see? With a breath of relief she opened the second box and saw the shirt with the large streetlamp that Sayori had worn so often portraying one of her favorite bands. She slid back into the warmth of her bed and felt a surge of anticipation as she held the shirt up against her face and for a second all was right in the world again. Sayori was in her arms, kissing her cheek like a woodpecker to make her laugh, watching silly videos together, wiggling her hips against Monika just to mess with her…

Monika's hand was already pushing beneath the drawstring to her pajama bottoms to slide between her legs. She knew she probably looked like a psychopath, getting turned on by sniffing her ex's shirt, but she just wanted to feel happy for a few minutes. To be lost in the bliss of pleasure and the familiar comfort of Sayori's presence, was that too much to ask? She didn't care anymore. She wanted comfort. She wanted warmth. Her hand slid against her thighs and sent shivers up and down her spine like electricity, her breathing growing heavy as she tried to push herself over the edge as fast as possible. She needed it, she needed it to be happy, and she needed it now. She imagined Sayori giggling as she wrapped her arms around Monika, unbuttoning her shirt and pressing her chest closer as she gazed up at Monika with a sultry look that looked out of place on Sayori's features. Hands squeezed her, fingers pressed her, and lips locked her in a kiss so inviting and loving that she let out a gasp. She breathed in the scent of the shirt, of the cinnamon, of her girlfriend.

"I love you, Moni."

Her body shuddered as her thighs squeezed her wrist so hard that it hurt, and little aftershocks like that of an earthquake wracked her body as she let out a deep breath and bucked her hips in an attempt to ride out the feeling. Just as soon as it had come, the fun was gone. Her eyes opened to her being back in her bed, alone and with a shirt clenched tightly in her hand while her sweat clung to the blanket over top of her. She suddenly felt disgusted with herself, tossing the shirt aside and holding her hand out as she got up to go to the sink. What was she thinking? For a few short minutes sure, she had been in heaven, but now she felt gross, ashamed even of what she had done. It wasn't the first time she had done it after Sayori had left, but thinking about how she was probably stuck somewhere horrible being told she was broken, that she had to be fixed, and Monika was getting off to memories and fantasies.

She hadn't even been horny, really. Just lonely.

After washing her hands she sat back on the bed, reaching over to pour another cinnamon oil into the burner, but there didn't seem to be any more in the box. Not only had she used her last cinnamon, but her vanilla as well, in fact she had blown through all of the ones that reminded her of Sayori. She searched twice, three times, desperately moving other vials and checking the name of each one, but it was pointless. With a defeated sigh she turned off the burner and began putting it along with the shirt back in the box when she saw something in the bottom that caught her eye. It was a box made of translucent blue plastic, with a three-pronged controller wrapped within its cord beside it. Monika raised an eyebrow at it, pulling it out and inspecting it closely.

She wasn't sure what made her do it; she didn't like video games to begin with, much less ones that would remind her of Sayori, but something inside her did not want to simply lay on her bed and waste away anymore. Even if it was only a few minutes. After connecting the adapter to her television and making sure everything was set up right, she picked a random cartridge and pushed it into the slot on top of the console. One power button flick later, her television screen went black before a spinning "N" faded in. Sudden campy music greeted her ears as the screen transitioned to an intro scene with animal characters messing around, and she looked down at the controller.

It took a while to get used to the handles, but eventually she settled on a comfortable position and started the game. The story was fairly straightforward; she was a bear with a bird companion stuffed into her backpack, and her goal was to rescue the bear's sister from a witch who had kidnapped her. Even without any other connections, the game reminded her of Sayori from the very start, from its goofy characters to the bubbly appearance of the worlds and levels, she had no doubt Sayori had loved this game as a child. Each music note and puzzle piece made her think of every song and problem she had been faced with, but it distracted her as well with the push to find each hidden collectable. She didn't know why she continued to play the game, maybe she just liked doing something other than moping, or maybe she liked playing something that reminded her of the happier parts of Sayori. Maybe she just liked thinking about something other than her pain.

It wasn't until two in the morning when she noticed just how long she had been playing and felt a jolt in her stomach. Had she really been that distracted by an old video game? She sighed and searched for the save button, but she realized there wasn't one in any of the menus, just the option to quit the game. Hoping that an older game like this featured some kind of autosave feature, she quit the game and reached over to flip off the console when she saw a cutscene playing. Curious, she held her hand above the power and watched as the antagonist of the game, a witch, cackled with glee because Monika had decided to stop playing. The cutscene played out with the witch succeeding in her evil plan and a large "Game over" splash spinning onto the screen as she was taken back to the main menu.

Monika gaped at the screen for a moment. Was her progress gone? Did she have to complete the game in one sitting? She quickly skipped the intro cutscene and sighed with relief as she saw that her file still held all of her progress, she had simply been placed back at the start of the level. She turned off the console, slid into bed, and wrapped herself in her blankets alongside Mr. Duck. Without the silly music and colorful images flickering on her television screen, the room seemed immensely darker and more suffocating. It felt as if the shadows themselves were reaching in to strangle her and she tossed and turned, holding Mr. Duck close as she tried to think of less stressful thoughts to help her fall asleep. Her body was tired as it always was, but her mind was not.

Her thoughts turned to the video game, and the odd way it treated her quitting. Were all video games like that? She didn't have too many others to go off of, but she thought it was rather fitting in hindsight given the game's simple story: the bear's sister was in trouble, and it was his job to save her. If you stopped playing, he stopped as well, and if there was nobody to save the day? Well, what else? It was a simple message, obvious in hindsight when she thought about it, so why did it stick with her so strongly? If you give up, nothing happens. If you give up and stop playing the game, you lose. That wasn't profound, that was just common sense.

She opened her eyes and looked up at the dark of her ceiling where shadows and shapes swirled around her. A car drove past, casting light through her blinds and illuminating her room for the briefest of moments. Wasn't that what she was doing in essence? Giving up. She was lying in her bed day in and day out, moping and wasting away like a dead plant until she shriveled up for good. That wasn't winning in any sense, but for as much as it hurt it was also comfortable in a way. Easy, that's what it was. It was so much easier to sit and wallow, to allow her feelings to overwhelm her than to go outside and have to put up a mask to people she didn't know and care about. Giving up was so easy, it wasn't even funny. But it wasn't living, and it wasn't what Sayori would have wanted for her. For everything she second guessed about her best friend, that wasn't one of them no matter how many times she said otherwise.

The light of the car passed and Monika sat up, her eyes now unable to close. She had tried like hell to reach freedom to do whatever she wanted, to not be bound by limitations and linear paths, and now that she had it, what was she doing with it? Nothing. Worse than nothing, she was going against everything that she had stood for over the past four months. Her friends were hurting, her friends were in danger, the only people in her life that made her existence worth living and she was squandering them with each sigh and plea she made. She kicked the covers off of her bed and stood, suddenly energized with an urge to do… something. Anything. If she gave up, nothing would happen after all.

She flipped on the lights to her apartment and paced, trying to gather her thoughts together. Occasionally an intruding thought or storm cloud would come her way but she fended them off each time as she reminded herself of why she was there to begin with. Second chances, Monika, second chances. She brewed a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table as she went over her predicaments: Natsuki was in the hospital with one foot in the grave due to her grief, Sayori was likely miles away in some catholic inspired therapy camp, and Yuri was under house arrest with an overprotective older brother. How could she fix any of these? She wasn't a doctor, certainly no better than the trained professionals, she had no legal standing to help Sayori who had already sacrificed everything for her sake, and Yuri, while in no immediate danger, was sure to follow grief if something happened to Natsuki.

It's your fault that they're there, and now you want to undo it? A scathing voice asked from the other chair. Natsuki never would have discovered her father's fate if you hadn't let Sayori slip away, hell, she wouldn't even be in the hospital if you had acted sooner. Yuri might've acted on her instincts and come to the rescue in time if you hadn't stopped her, you know that don't you? If it hadn't been for your hero complex to make up for your mistakes, Natsuki said herself she might've been happy with Yuri in school instead of the hospital. Monika's fingernails scraped against the table, unable to face the shade of herself across from her. She hated being right. Yuri wouldn't have been detained by the police if she had gone by herself, her brother wouldn't be lingering over her and controlling her entire life. Do you think he knows about her self-harm, or her grief at all? And Sayori-

"Don't mention her. Please." Monika muttered, sipping at her coffee with shaking hands.

She never would've been in this mess to begin with if not for us. A slip, for just a moment, from vitriol to regret. It all started at that stupid festival, when Himari attacked Sayori for OUR sake, our very existance is just cursed to bring misery and no amount of bandaids and glue is going to fix this. We ruin everything we touch… Monika looked over at her shade, its head in its hands as it sat there and silently wept beside her. She couldn't even tell which one it was, constantly shifting between her school uniform and her sweater, as if it could not decide what part of her felt the condescension and self loathing. The worst part was, it held a very valid point. There was no easy way to fix everything that had happened, Sayori was too far away, Natsuki was too deep in despair, and Yuri was too dependent on their continued survival. So what was left to do? She felt the cold grip of despair start to take hold of her again, little shadowy hands and claws gripping at her skin. Maybe she was cursed…

And then a thought occurred to her. The same thought, again, but with a different context. She told herself that she ruined everything she touched, that every problem started with her. If she couldn't fix the problems that she had made, what if she fixed herself? Her brain began running a mile a minute, and the grin that crossed her face was almost morose in its glee. There was still a way, she had even told Sayori she would do it in her panic of losing her, only to forget the subject immediately afterwards. The answer had been right in front of her since the very beginning and she had simply been too dense to realize it. Her lifeline, the one bit of control she had been given since before she had ever even come to this world.

"If all else fails, I've inserted a shortcut to the files for you to find, but only in an emergency."

The files. How could she have forgotten? She ran a hand through her hair, giddiness creeping up on her as she hurried to find her coat. She could still fix this, she could still be a good person, she just had to go out and… do what? Where were the files anyway? She had been in the world for four months and had never seen so much as a sign of where they would be. Disappointment began to well up within her, breaking down her former excitement. Where could it be? Was it even really there? She tried to think, pacing back and forth in front of her bathroom. The school? But if Monika hadn't seen it in the many club sessions, she didn't think she'd find it now. Perhaps it only appeared when she truly needed it? She felt pretty sure this counted as an emergency and tried to conjure up a keyboard of some kind with her hands, but after several vague movements and whispers, she only felt foolish.

Surely they would've hid it somewhere she would know of, but there weren't many places she knew of in the game. The clubroom, the music room, Sayori's room (She shuddered to think of going back there.) and the broken classroom, but that one wasn't even accessible anymore. At least, she hoped it wasn't. The only place that was left from the base game was-

"Oh, you clever bastard." Monika raced for the door, the air behind her feet like a horse galloping through an empty field, only to stop halfway. She turned around to the little trash can, where an orange ribbon hung limply over the edge. Delicately, she took the ribbon and tied it around Mr. Duck, leaving him in a comfy position. It was a silent thank you, and a farewell, as something told her she would not be returning to her apartment. For a moment she was hung up on leaving her home, her hand refusing to pull the doorknob that would lead her to the outside world. But goodbyes were always hard, and prolonged the inevitable. The truth was, the apartment had stopped being her home weeks ago when Sayori had left her. She turned off the lights and electronics, and closed the door behind her as the chilly winter night embraced her. She didn't look back.

The walk was practically peaceful, no cars to disturb her or people to stare at the filthy and disheveled girl shuffling down the street. She almost found it funny that she looked more homeless now than she had when she had been living in the shelter. Memories of sitting beside Sayori on cots when her biggest fear was her friends finding out she was homeless, or trying not to accept their kindness. How different things had turned in just a few months. She had fallen in love, rented an apartment, broken into almost all of her friend's houses, and jumped off of a bridge just for good measure. Real life was so much more exciting than living within a video game, who would've thought it? It made her happy to think of all the good things she had done, all the fun times she had had. They kept her feet moving towards her destination.

For a split second she thought about going to the hospital, to say goodbye to Natsuki or to leave a text for Yuri, but every time she considered it she stopped herself. It wouldn't do any good, and would only cause problems for them – if they ever even knew, something she doubted given it was creeping onto three in the morning. In a way, she had already said her goodbyes the last time she had spoken to them. Sometimes farewells didn't need to be long and drawn out, nor did one even have to say the words. She wondered if a part of her knew, even then, that this was the outcome. Her life did seem to be one of cycles after all, so maybe she was simply catching on to the patterns. The cold bit her, the wind clawed at her and begged her to stay, but she did not stop. Not until she reached the decrepit and abandoned house just three doors down from where Sayori had lived did she stop her trek.

But she felt no life, no presence, not even the children wandering from house to house dared to walk in front of it, as if some cosmic force pushed them from investigating. As if something didn't want their intrusions.

It all made sense, now. Even then she had sensed something off about the house, the only location changed in such an apparent manner. Her first thought when she had come across it was that it was a grave, a mausoleum for someone who no longer existed. In a way she had been right, her only mistake had been who such a marker was actually for. For a moment she waited, taking in sight of the lonely house in the dark, waiting. It was a relic from a long dead world, just like her. Her slippers crossed over the property line, sinking into the dead and dried grass, as though it had suffered from a heatwave instead of a cold front. She crossed the corroded and uneven path leading up to the house, briars gripping at the hem of her pajamas as though to stop her plan, but she was determined. The rotting door opened with the slightest turn, and she was met with air thick with dust and rot. She looked out at the night sky, smiled, and shut the door behind her.

The inside wasn't wreaked, but had clearly suffered from age. Collapsed shelves lined with thick coatings of dust sat still while eerie beams of moonlight floated in lazily from a broken window, giving her just enough light to see where she was walking. She considered exploring for a moment, but decided against it the more she looked at her surroundings; the last thing she wanted was a rusty nail to go through her foot. She knew where to go anyway, Sayori had told her as much months ago without ever realizing it. Her breath caught in her chest as she slowly climbed the steps, each creak and groan of the house reminded her of a rasping creature on its last breaths. What would await her? She knew nobody in their right mind would be in the house except for her, but she still couldn't help but feel uneasy, anxious at each turn as though she would see a figure in the dark. Instead of a shadow however, she was met with light.

It shone out from the room at the end of the hall on the second floor, and she peaked above the stairwell to see the flickering screen of a monitor shining back at her. She had come to the right place after all. Her rush to see the files again mixed with the deep sense of unease that settled over the entire house sent her into a sort of uncertain flurry. She walked forward, stopped, continued, turned around, gazed at the stairwell, and then back at the room with the monitor. It wasn't too late to turn back, but something told her she wouldn't hesitate this time, not when so much was on the line for them all.

The room was just as dusty and dilapidated as the rest of the house, with the desktop being the only thing of notice in a room that was otherwise utterly dull. Plain walls with no decorations, three shelves with various books haphazardly slid into place surrounding an old flat screen television, and a closet. What was once a twin bed frame sat in the corner, broken in the middle as though someone had tried to jump on it only to be met with misfortune. The desk with the computer was sturdy enough, with a rolling office chair whose leather peeled back from use. Truly, a room that personified its owner. She tried turning on the tv just to see if it would work, but nothing happened. The only thing that had power was the computer, which settled any irrational doubts or misgivings she had about what it was. With a deep breath, she slid into the squeaky rolling chair and pulled up to the monitor, her fingers stretched out across the keyboard and settled in the place like it was her purpose in life. Maybe it was.

The desktop was empty except for the bare basics: a recycling bin, the start menu, a very outdated web browser, a file compressor, and of course the files that she had sought so dearly. It took a moment to navigate to them; they weren't in the locations she was usually familiar with, but then again, she wasn't exactly in the game anymore either so she could forgive it for that. The screen's backlight forced her to squint as she found a file labeled "FTLT" under the local disk, and seeing as there were no other files that stood out as being related to her world, she double clicked it.

"Fixed Temporal Location Terminal…" Monika muttered as she read the extended file name. Inside of it sat far more files than had ever been within the game, but she recognized a few familiar ones, such as "script", "data", and of course a "characters" file. The script file caught her attention, because despite what she had originally come here for she knew that every answer to every question she had ever posed in this world was right at her fingertips. One of the first questions she had ever asked herself, aside from what this world truly was, was the nature of her friends' actions. Were they truly just scripted characters doing what they were told, following a set path that had been laid out for them with the only changes being reactions to Monika's own actions? She had convinced herself long ago that it didn't matter, that they were her friends whether they had free will or not. But this file, this one file would answer that question for good. She could finally receive closure on something in her life.

But if she had already accepted that it might be true, what was the point in finding out?

Her fingers double clicked the file before she had even finished her thought on the matter, and for a second she wanted to look away, to avoid knowing the true nature of her friends, but it was too late. The script opened before her and her eyes scanned across the page to reveal an empty file. The space it took up was listed as "0kb". She sat back in the chair and gave a sigh of relief; there was and had never been a script. Her friends were truly the masters of their own fates, finally. At that thought she backed out and went to the familiar file for characters, and was confused at first when she saw the amount of space was listed only as "-". Was it empty as well? That didn't make any sense.

She tried to open it, only to be greeted with a little green loading bar pop-up. Suddenly the hyphen made sense as she looked at the waiting time for the character file to open; it wasn't empty, it was humongous. She stifled a laugh as she saw it would be a hot minute before it opened, but she didn't mind. She had waited this long, an hour wouldn't kill anyone. At least she hoped so. Monika allowed the file to load in the background while scrolling through the others at her command, but before she could explore further she saw a .txt file labeled "README" that was waiting at the bottom of her screen. She knew immediately that it was addressed to her, for who else would ever know to come here, and she knew who it was from for who else would ever address a note to her in the files of the game or world or whatever she was in? No, this was from them.

She knew inside there would finally be explanations to all of her many questions and curiosities. The reason why she had been given nothing to start off with, no family, no home, not even an umbrella. It would tell her why she seemed cursed to suffer miserable fates alongside her friends, how this world was made, what it was all for, what she was supposed to do. These were the answers she had sought for for so long, and just like before she wanted to stifle her curiosity and simply not know, to turn her nose up and be satisfied with what she had been given. But she knew she couldn't resist this particular temptation, she deserved some kind of peace at the end of things didn't she? This was her ending, and she would go out on her terms. She double clicked the file.

"I hope you never have to read this. And if you do, then just know that I trust your judgment with what you do next."

Monika stared at the single line of text and read it once, and then twice. She scrolled. Nothing. Her eyes searched frantically for something, anything, but the file was so small she knew that there was nothing else there. A pang of annoyance surged through her and she suddenly desired to throw the monitor out of the nearest window, but she managed to resist it. That was all they had to say?

"Vague and mysterious as always. And helpful. Did I mention helpful?" She muttered, but deep down she knew what it meant. This was only for emergencies, and there were only so many emergencies that could require something as drastic as to literally alter the fabric of her reality. Thankfully that was nothing new to her, but on the other hand the fact that they had gone out of their way to put this as a note for her, as if they knew she would eventually be led to this point and be stuck in this situation. It was like a warning, not necessarily that she was about to do something wrong, but to think things through just in case she was. Immediately she told herself that of course she was doing the right thing, she had exhausted all of her options, but had she really? Did she really want to go through with this because it was right, or because it was easier than living with her mistakes?

She pushed herself back from the desktop just a smidge. She had plenty of time before the character file fully loaded anyway, a convenient gap for her to stop and think about what she wanted, and how she was going about getting it. She stood from the desk and sat with her back against the bottom of it, not wanting to look at the screen that would decide her future, or lack thereof. She took a few deep breaths, told herself to relax and not think about anything else for a few minutes, and then she would ask herself the tough questions she had purposefully avoided until this point. For a few moments she rested her head against the desk and thought to herself of unrelated things to occupy her mind. Happy things. Trivial things. For some reason neither list was as long as she had thought it would be. Once she had finished clearing her mind, she proposed the first question to herself.

What are you going to accomplish by doing this? The voice asked. She looked up to see herself sitting in the dirty leather chair with her arms crossed over her school skirt, a hand propping up her head as emerald green eyes met her own. Did she look as tired as her shade did?

"I'm going to start this world over so… so they can start anew without my influence." Monika was almost surprised to find her voice wavering as she spoke aloud, her voice scratchy from misuse. "I keep messing things up, and the things I've done have influenced them in ways that have led them here and it all just… it sucks. Everyone is suffering right now, and that suffering will continue until I do this. If I delete my file, Himari won't try to ruin the festival for my sake, and probably won't turn down Sayori so cruelly- hell, Himari might even return her feelings for all I know." She thought of Sayori holding hands with Himari after school, walking to the park and going on dates together, telling each other how important the other one was. How they loved each other. It broke her heart to think of the girl she had fallen in love with being with someone else, even if she knew it was an unlikely possibility.

You're only thinking about the bad, you know. Her rational shade told her. You'd have to be stupid to think that you have only ever done harm here. Look at the friends who held you to let you know that it was okay to feel, okay to be in pain, look at what you did for them. Natsuki, though in unstable condition, is no longer living in neglect and has access to food and a cleaner lifestyle. Yuri, whose family is gone and has become overly reliant on her friends, now has people she can open up to and trust on top of reestablishing a relationship with her brother.

"But they're all in danger because of me-"

Sayori, who has been denied the opportunity to be herself and love who she chooses, was able to experience true love and kindness from you. You made a childhood dream for her come true, you gave your absolute all for her, you loved her and in turn she loved you. In the game, she wanted the same thing you did, to be able to love and be loved. You gave that to her, and to yourself.

"I got her sent to a stupid fucking conversion camp!" Monika kicked at the chair leg but missed and simply slumped instead. "God, of all the stupid contrived scenarios to stick myself in… that's why I have to do this. Without me, the festival won't go wrong, Sayori won't fall off the bridge and end up telling her parents about her liking both boys and girls, she won't run away from home… she can just, I don't know, live normally." She didn't want to think about this anymore, it just made her feel worse and wish for the file to load faster. Her thoughts had been opened however and would not close as easily. "I can't fix anything anymore, it's all gone too far."

You don't know that. You have no idea what will happen, to them or to the world. The shade of herself leaned forward, a menacing glare in its eyes as it leered at her like she was a puppy caught scratching the furniture. They could end up in worse situations without your help, they could end up dead or damaged for certain, while at least here we don't know what will happen. We don't know Sayori is gone forever, we don't know Natsuki will die. In fact, you don't even know what'll happen when you delete yourself, do you? What if you just repeat what happened in the game? What will happen if Sayori realizes what this world is?

Monika shook her head; it was the one thing she was sure of. "She won't. I know she won't, because this isn't the game. The game bestowed the leader of the club with the omniscience of reality, but there's no club left. Nobody to pass the knowledge onto. When I'm gone, the hole can close for good." She didn't think she could've brought herself to take away her own existence if she thought there was a chance of bestowing that cursed revelation onto any of her friends anyway. In doing this, she was closing the cycle. It felt right, as unsure and terrifying as it was, like she was actually doing something noble for once.

But of course, as soon as that thought entered her head another one sprouted to combat it. You're only here because you can't cope with the pain anymore, aren't you? You're not doing something noble, you're doing something selfish and trying to justify it. Losing people, friends, loves, entire lives, it's just too much. It's always been too much for us. You're giving up. Monika's hands clutched her hair. You're too much of a coward to watch them die again, aren't you?

"I don't know…" She whispered, and it was the truth. She didn't know if that was the true reason she had decided to go to the files, she couldn't tell how much of herself wanted to cease to exist and how much wanted to try and give her friends the future they deserved. She was confused, scared, and as always, alone. That was the cost of freedom, she realized. This was what the note had meant, that there was no secret correct path to follow, no railroaded ulterior route, just the uncertain future that would be completely and utterly decided by herself. It was hard. It was terrifying. And yet, it was what she had always wanted.

"I don't even want to leave, I really don't… I love my friends, I love my apartment and my teachers, I love all of the memories I've made, I even love the bad times. I love the air and the sky, the smell of tea brewing and the taste of food I've made myself, I loved it all. I don't want to leave. I don't want to die, I just don't know what else to do… have I just been through too much?" There were no tears left in her. Just an ache that would not cease from deep within her. "What else will my heart allow to happen before it just breaks, completely and for good? Please, tell me. Somebody, anybody just… tell me. "

You've done so much.

But this choice is yours and yours alone.

It always has been.

Monika sighed, shaking the dust from her hair and pulling a splinter from her pajamas as she rose from the floor and stared at the empty rolling chair. The choice was hers. If you give up, nothing happens. It was always the stupidly obvious things that seemed to resonate the most with her. As she slid back into the uncomfortable leather chair she saw that she still had some time before the file loaded. So many people, each with problems and lives of their own. Would they feel it if the entire world restarted back to the twenty-second of September? Naomi or Ms. Fujita, Sayori's father, Himari, she wanted to say goodbye to each of them, and a part of her realized she could. Nothing was stopping her from getting up and walking away, coming back another day to try again.

Except she knew that if she left now, she would spend the rest of her life finding reasons to stay. Always one more goodbye to put off, one more day to get things done. It was best this way, without witnesses, without someone persuading her to pick one or the other. She pulled up to the computer and an idea suddenly popped into her head, so she opened up a word document and started typing away at a note that she knew, whether she stayed or left, would remain forever as a part of the files. She had finished the first paragraph when she saw a hand stretch over hers, though she could not feel it. She looked up at the pair of blue eyes that stared back at her and they both shared a small smile. The short messy hair, the soft smile on her lips, and the sad look in her eyes, she had missed them all so very much.

"I know you're not real." Monika said as she continued typing, though her eyes continued flicking back towards the projection beside her. She could never tire of seeing Sayori, whether it was just a hallucination or the real thing. "You're just a projection of my psychosis, trying to make me feel less lonely while I go through with this."

Of course I'm not real, silly. The shade told her. She could almost hear the soft chime of Sayori's voice, her laughter echoing through the room as she snorted at whatever funny video they had watched. She could imagine her warmth, though she felt none, and remembered the love that radiated from her like a space heater, though she only felt the cold of the empty house. But… we're dying. It's only natural to want to have some kind of comfort before the end. Monika couldn't resist smiling, and simply nodded as she continued to type. Her shade did not speak or comment on her writing, only staying by her side with a hand over hers, just how Monika liked it.

Once she had finished her note, she looked down at the clock at the bottom right of the desktop screen. 4:00 a.m. on the dot. If she didn't hurry, daybreak would arrive; she had seen too many sun rises alone and had no desire for a final send off of one. Saving the .txt file, she titled it simply, "To you". There was only one person who would ever have a chance of reading it, and even then, there was no guarantee they would even check. The odds were the note would go unread, and a part of her had written it knowing that. She was okay with that, the fact that it existed as an eternal piece of proof that she had existed was good enough for her.

For a few minutes she sat there, telling herself she was simply making sure the file loaded properly. The truth was she was holding out, waiting to see if someone would run in to stop her from what she was doing. A friend or loved one bursting down the door and reaching out to her, yelling, "Stop! You don't have to do this! There's a better way!" She waited, glancing towards the door in the hopes of hearing someone running upstairs, or a cry for her to wait, but it never came. There was no deus ex machina to save her from her choices, no secret twist at the critical moment, just the sound of her own breathing. Sometimes, she realized, there was no happy ending.

"There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part," She quoted as she looked back at the computer screen, "So just give me a happy middle, and a very happy start."

The character file had finished loading by now, and as she opened up the tab she scoffed at the sheer amount of people. She had never seen so many CHR files before, and secretly wondered what their contents held. She shook her head and opened the search bar, putting in her own name so that the only file on screen was the familiar "Monika" file awaiting her. She right clicked on the file and hovered over the "delete" button. This was it. No more stalling, no more mistakes, just her and her choices. Like it had always been.

"I'm ready." She whispered, and the shade beside her vanished into the dusty atmosphere of the abandoned house. Monika closed her eyes and brought forth her favorite memories: dancing with Sayori, embracing her, Yuri sharing a meal with her while she played her brother's video game, Natsuki vouching for her in the principal's office, all of them sitting in the hospital eating a Christmas dinner. God, she was going to miss them so much. It really had been so much fun, just living and experiencing life together with her friends. A happy middle.

"Thanks, for everything you guys. I'm sorry it's ending like this, without a proper goodbye or anything like that. I hope you all know I'm not trying to leave you, I really, really want to do what's best by you all. That's what this was all for, even if I'm not strong enough to stick around… well, I know you guys will get it right without me being in the way this time." She thought of her empty apartment, of Sayori kissing her and telling her she loved her, and thanking Monika for doing the same. She thought of the two weeks she could have spent saying goodbye. She thought of two terribly lonely girls turning around in a homeless shelter and truly seeing each other for the first time. A very happy start. A single tear dropped down from her eye as her hand shook over the mouse. "I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I feel like it is. I know I want it to be. And, I guess it's time to be a fucking hero, right? I love you, all of you, so please…"

Be happy.

Click.

END OF ACT III