Notes: Almost, but not quite.

[02/24/16]

Your hands are too small; I can't give you what I am.

There are some people whose mere presence seems to alter the course of the universe. Sitting out in the balcony, smoking an old, stale cigarette, he thought about how infinitely small he was, how pathetically unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and how unlikely it seemed that small actions changed the world. He thought about holding the universe in the palm of his hands, a journey of a thousand days and a thousand nights to behold the entirety of the world, of his finite universe suspended in midair by the grace of One whose perfect design is unfathomable. Yamato had never considered himself an Existentialist but man, smoking did things to him.

He had made the decision of leaving, long before he told her he had. The simpler truth was that he remembered Natsuko best as she looked the day she left him and his father, the white floral dress she wore, and how he couldn't help but think it was appropriate for the death of something. Mimi isn't wearing white, and she isn't wearing flowers. Her lavender coat is simple and delicate, adding a girlish touch to her already beautiful frame. He thought about the first time he told her he loved her, how beautiful she had been then, too. She always will be, and he knows that at least, he won't forget.

The way she stares at him is almost enough to make him reach for another cigarette. Almost, but not quite.

Mimi surprises him by not crying, instead holding on to her porcelain cup and taking a long, silent sip. It is this that baffles him, grits his nerves. The silence grows between them, ugly and opressive and he wants to shake her, tell her I'm leaving and you can't stop me. But he can see the answer clearly in her honey eyes: she understands, and she will not lift a finger to stop him. Of course, he shouldn't have expected her to. What does she know, of the mysteries of the universe? What can she, with her perfect life, possibly desire out of the unknown? Unreasonably angry, Yamato stands and throws a couple of bills on the table; leaves briskly before he decides to stay.

When he returned home late that night, the flat was completely barren. He hadn't realised before how much space Mimi occupied in his life and was momentarily stunned to see how empty and unwelcome his apartment was without her to warm it for him. But the decision was made and the bed, at least, was his. He slept soundly after a couple of drinks, unable somehow to get rid of her scent which lingered all around him.

It took him months to understand how important touch is for humans.

He came back three years after he first left for JAXA, a completely changed man that for all intents and purposes had remained the same. His flat has been rented to a couple of college kids and his brother does not live in the city. He hadn't seen Natsuko since before he left and can already imagine her blue eyes pooling with tears when he saw her; he decides to stay in a hotel, at least while he finds a new apartment. It won't take him long; the space program, if nothing else, pays tremendously well. He has been back for two weeks now and he is still adjusting to life away from the station, when he first sees her.

She is wearing an emerald green formfitting dress that brings out the gold in her eyes, and a lot more in him. For a moment he can't stop looking, can't stop thinking, can't move. She turns around, eyes passing over him without a speck of recognition and he breathes out but then they're back on him, and she actually gasps.

"Yamato?" she calls out as if unsure but she is already moving and when she reaches him he feels the pain of her stopping before she reached out to hug him. He is shocked by this, how it hurts that she didn't touch him yet.

"You're back," she says, lips trembling.

In his dream, this is when he kisses her. There, in the middle of the street, with people walking around them not daring to touch and interrupt them. In this dream Mimi is upset, she cries but she holds on desperately to his neck and she kisses forgiveness into his mouth, and he wipes the bitterness and the terrible loneliness of the past three years away.

This is not his dream.

In this scenario, Mimi is happy to see him, she truly is, but she doesn't cry. She doesn't even hug him though she holds on to his forearm for a bit and squeezes affectionately. Here, she is a successful business owner, the fancy restaurant down the street is hers, (Can you believe it?), and she has done so much since he left. Traveled the world, pursued her dream, found the love of her life. He's at the restaurant too, and (Would you like to meet him? Oh, I can't believe you're home!) Yamato doesn't need to hear that he's a famous football player to know he will instantly hate him. But Mimi, in one of those rare moments of clarity, suddenly stops talking. She blushes prettily and he smiles haughtily, and it is as though three years have never passed.

She touches his cheek, kisses him tenderly.

"Welcome home," she says and he says thank you, because in her hands she holds the truth, his happiness locked in her gold band and the knowledge that he could have given her everything too, if he had only known. But his Mimi was never the kind to wait, and he should have known that from the very beginning. A series of tiny, infinite possibilites still form in the back of his mind, thwarted by the knowledge that she is no longer his to hold and that in this world, he has already been denied.