A/N I always appreciate any alerts and reviews, but I especially appreciate the very first person who reviewed this because they were so kind and encouraging and really compelled me to write more. It is actually very hard for me to post this as I am used to bullying and was afraid I'd get some mean comments and you'll see soon how very hard it is for me to admit to the autism thing, in real life I just don't go there unless I am forced to, even now. So, I just wanted to say a big thanks to fantom33 for being so sweet to me, this chapter is for you. :)
Chapter 3 - Diagnonsense
Brittany S. Pierce, Present
I guess you can see the contrast between young-me and old-me now. When I was a child I was so locked inside myself, unable to look at things from another perspective, unable to figure out the right words to communicate how I felt and connect with other people.
But, I'm doing all that just fine now right? So that's one of the main points to this story. How did I really get there and what did Santana have to do with it?
Bear with me.
Things changed after that day in the Doctor's office. My brain began learning things that it couldn't before, and I guess that was because for all my life up until then, I didn't have someone like her that knew how to teach me ways to figure out the world.
Nobody could teach me things like she could.
She understood me, right from the beginning. I don't know how, but she used to tell me it was because we were made for each other.
By the way, I guess you might have noticed that I was the one who started the whole pinky holding thing?
I always did it when I was a kid to reassure her. I wasn't good with dealing with touch, and pinky holding was about my limit back then.
But, when we grew up, it actually became Santana's way of reassuring me.
It was all we had when we were out in public, and when she couldn't let anyone see us being so 'close.'
She'd let me know she wasn't mad at me anymore, or that she was there for me by extending her pinky out to me. She found it really hard to tell me those things in words. I was always so relieved to see her little finger coming towards mine after a fight. I would try to transmit all the love and warmth in my body through that one part of me, so she'd know it was okay and that we were back to being Siamese twins again, always connected.
Brittany S. Pierce, 7-8 years old.
A few weeks later, Brittany was sitting in her usual spot at lunch as far away from her classmates as she could get. This didn't stop Santana from finding her and giving her a warm gap-toothed smile. Her cut on her head was completely healed now thanks to more Band-Aids from Brittany. The most recent one had featured the Cookie Monster. A few rather vicious pinches had stopped even the most notorious playground bullies, from saying even a word about it.
"Hey Brittany," Santana said edging closer to her nervously, hoping that the other girl would be glad to see her. They had become fast friends in the past few weeks, and in spite of herself, Santana had become really fond of her. She couldn't quite tell if Brittany felt the same way back. But then again, it was hard to tell what Brittany thought about anything.
Brittany had checked her injuries every day though. Even her mami hadn't done that.
Brittany looked up and although she didn't smile, she immediately began to talk in garbled speech, too fast for Santana to decipher.
"Hey, hold up. Go slow now," Santana said putting her hands up, trying to understand.
Brittany spoke clearly this time. "I'm going to meet the Unillama," she announced.
"The what now?" Santana's forehead wrinkled up.
"The Rainbow Unillama," Brittany said starting to speak faster again. "It's the right day for him to be here because I saw eight blue cars, eight red cars and eight green cars on the way to school. That's the sign he gives so you know he's coming. He's part unicorn so he can grant wishes. Oh, and if I'm nice he might give me some of his rainbow fleece so I can make a lucky jumper to wear and have good luck everyday, but if he spits on you that means you'll never grow up. He spat on me first time I saw him because we didn't know each other that well yet, and mum says she wishes I'd act my age all the time, so it must have worked and I must not be growing up, so don't go near him if he looks like he's gonna start spitting," Brittany said eventually pausing for breath.
Santana smiled wider showing off her new missing tooth. "Do you think he can do something about my teeth?" she asked.
"Huh?" Brittany looked up and saw for herself.
"I mean, it was coming loose before Noah's fist got me there anyways, but it came all the way out this morning, and but now it's super lame because he thinks he has the power to punch out teeth," she said as she rolled her eyes.
Santana wanted to be part of Brittany's game whether the Unillama came out of the bushes or not. It sure beat sitting with Quinn discussing who the all least gross guys in their class were, and/or helping her pick on that Rachel Berry kid. There were only so many recesses Santana wanted to waste her time sneaking under the bleachers to tie Rachel's shoelaces together, just to see her fall over. There were so many other people that needed picking on, and she was a boring target.
Brittany was nodding. "He can definitely do something about your teeth," she said confidently.
They waited silently for the Unillama.
After fifteen minutes Santana was getting confused. When was the game gonna start? she thought.
Brittany's eyes were gleaming and she was on the edge of her seat, and was staring off into the distance.
Santana side-eyed her. "Britts, I… well… nothing's happening," she pointed out, wondering what Brittany was so excited about.
Brittany seemed confused for a moment, then she exhaled and let out a long breath. "Oh… I guess I've never waited for him with another person before… I…"
She trailed off, not sure what to say.
"Tell me what's happening," Santana said, encouraging her, trying to get Brittany to let her into her world.
"Well, he's in there." Brittany said pointing to behind some bushes. Her face lit up as she found the words.
"He's in there. But he's not coming any closer and we mustn't force him or try to make him give up some of his fleece without him wanting to, because if he doesn't want to give it to us, it will lose its rainbow color and it will turn grey," she told Santana, her expression serious.
Santana giggled, charmed by her new friend.
Brittany flinched like she had in the doctor's waiting room. "Why do you keep laughing at me?" she asked sadly.
"No no Britt, it's a good thing. It means I think you're funny… and that I like you," Santana said swallowing her discomfort at revealing her feelings. Somehow it was easier to be like this with Brittany, and to tell her what she was really thinking. Santana was pretty sure that maybe Brittany wouldn't judge her like most people would, even if she found out that Santana wasn't as tough as she pretended to be.
"Oh!" This time Brittany smiled widely just for a second, then it faltered like she wasn't sure if her reaction was right and she twisted her face back to giving Santana her usual blank look.
All Santana could think about right now was that she wanted to see Brittany smile like that again, at whatever cost.
"What's going on now, Britts?" she asked just as the bell rang.
Brittany looked back at the bushes. "He's gone," she said sadly.
"Maybe next time we'll get to meet him?" Santana offered, trying to cheer her up.
"Yeah." Brittany said dejectedly, all traces of happy gone now that she knew she wasn't going to get a rainbow jumper. She paused before they went back into the classroom. "Santana? … Are we… friends?" she asked, phrasing the question slowly, her voice shaking with nerves, as if it was the hardest and most complicated question on the planet.
Santana swallowed. "Yeah Britts, I think we're friends," she said looking at her hopefully.
"How do you know?" Brittany asked, her tongue sticking straight out of her mouth as she contemplated this.
"We just… are." Santana scrambled to come up with a better answer than that, and felt her heart twist painfully when Brittany looked unconvinced in a way that Santana couldn't comprehend herself, as if the word friend was the hardest concept to understand in the whole world.
Within a few months, Santana had come to know Brittany's schedule, and she'd also come to know how upset she got if it wasn't followed.
Santana began bringing in food for Brittany so her friend would have something to eat at lunch, because her mom always seemed to forget that she only liked certain foods. Brittany mostly just liked jello and bananas.
There were many near disasters. Once, Brittany's mom had even put a green pickle in Brittany's lunchbox, and Brittany had recoiled in horror saying that pickles were just evil bananas that grew grown green skin and warts because they like scaring pretty girls and their little dogs too.
Before the panic had officially had time to set in, Santana had quickly swiped the 'evil banana' from Brittany's box and replaced with a 'good banana' that she had brought for her, and then Brittany's world was back to sunshine and rainbows.
When they were in class, Brittany always liked things to stay the same way. When they did art after lunch instead of before lunch, Santana would feel Brittany tense up beside her. She didn't know how to comfort her friend because Brittany didn't respond so well to touch so she would settle for talking to her calmly, and telling her it was going to be okay and giving her something to squeeze in her hand because that always seemed to keep her grounded.
That didn't always work though. Today was one of 'those days.'
Noah and his friends were restless and looking for a fight. It had started in the morning when Brittany had blurted out that their substitute teacher kind of looked like a pineapple.
Noah had pointed at Brittany and rolled his eyes at her, but Santana had put her hand to her mouth giggling, because if you looked a little harder, she was right. Mrs Pibble was very round with almost prickly blotchy skin and a wild mess of choppy short hair sticking out in all directions from the top of her head.
Brittany seemed to have trouble keeping these kinds of comments to herself and Santana had a hard time explaining why she shouldn't say them. When Brittany asked why she was always getting in trouble, Santana tried to explain to her that sometimes people didn't like to hear the truth.
Brittany couldn't understand why the truth could ever be wrong, and quite frankly, sometimes Santana didn't know either. She was sick of always having to use so much tact to spare people's feelings and she preferred to 'tell it how it is.'
The only times she ever wanted to hold back was in front of Brittany. Santana always felt like she had to be a better version of herself around her.
Noah had been sending mean comments Brittany's way ever since break, and Santana was now debating his punishment. There was a pot of glue nearby that could be poured all over his head and a couple of thumbtacks that Mrs Pibble hadn't known to keep away from her.
The possibilities were endless, and Santana wasn't going to waste the opportunity.
Surprisingly, it was Quinn who made the next move. Quinn hadn't been liking how much attention Santana was paying to the new girl. Santana had branched off and made her own friend and that just wasn't allowed.
Quinn knew that she should be the one who decided who was cool and who wasn't, and those who didn't make the cut were isolated and made to sit by themselves.
Like Rachel Berry. Quinn had hated her from the first day of the first grade when the classroom music teacher had praised Rachel's rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with more enthusiasm than he had praised Quinn's, and from that moment on she was blacklisted.
To Quinn, Brittany was no better. She was too loud and spoke out of turn and Quinn could only understand about every ninth word she said, not that she was really bothering about it.
Also, Quinn had decided that anyone who liked cartoons like Brittany did, just had to be a loser. The only show that was acceptable for a young lady to watch who was going to be eight years old soon, was the show "Popular."
Quinn was hooked on it, even if she didn't understand what was going on most of the time.
She completely idolized the character 'Brooke,' who was super popular and a cheerleader, just like Quinn's mom was in high school.
Quinn was determined to grow up just like her mom, and for that, she needed to be popular and to have followers.
Maybe if I can embarrass Brittany enough, then Santana will stop hanging out with her and will go back to following me around, thought Quinn. That's where she belongs.
Brittany's class were all working in groups of five, designing a poster about saving the ozone. Brittany was cutting out hearts and scrawling words that were badly spelled wrong on her section.
Quinn tried some of the usual tactics that usually made girls would wanted to be her cry.
She liked to make sure people knew where they stood.
To everyone's surprise she began to praise Kurt, Mercedes and even Rachel for their excellent spelling. She even announced that obviously if anyone in the group had any brains they would know that the best shape to cut out for an ozone project would be a tree. Kurt hurriedly began cutting trees out, and at Quinn's approving glance the others were quick to copy him, leaving just Brittany cutting out lopsided hearts.
Quinn kept going, complimenting Brittany's hearts in a passive aggressive way, but the disguised teasing went right over Brittany's head in spite of Quinn's high pitched patronizing voice. It was like she took the words at face value and thought that Quinn was being nice and paying her compliments. She didn't even seem to need Quinn's approval to continue what she was doing and this made Quinn frustrated. She wanted to sort this out while she had Brittany alone without Santana, who had in Quinn's opinion been much more fortunate with who she had been put in a group with, and it frustrated Quinn that their poster was already much less loser-y than this one.
"Brittany." Quinn decided it was time to speak directly to her, and get right to the point."Look I'm going to do you a favor, okay?" Quinn said as she made her voice as sickly sweet as she could manage, it was time to pull out all the stops.
"I think that one day you could maybe be cool, especially if you started dressing your age and talked so people could understand you. Maybe it would help if you stopped walking around with your head in the clouds so much, and if you stopped humming to yourself all the time. Now don't get me wrong, we like you Brittany, we think you are… an interesting person," Quinn paused for dramatic effect. "But, we wish you were more like us. You just can't call out in class all the time, because you should know that people want to listen to me, Quinn Fabray, first. They don't want to hear you, because I'm in charge here. Now it's your lucky day Brittany, because I am going to help you to become more normal, starting today," she told her, looming over Brittany as she made her point.
Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel were practically cowering in fear, hoping that Quinn wouldn't attack them next, but Brittany turned her blue eyes on Quinn's sparkly pink shoes as she was talking to her and seemed to be listening intently with her face blank for most parts of Quinn's speech, while in others she had her forehead scrunched up as if in thought.
Quinn could tell Brittany was having trouble figuring out what she meant, and when Brittany's face finally showed some understanding, Quinn expected it would only be a few seconds more before she broke down in tears. She looked over at Santana who looked distracted trying to find something in her desk. Perfect timing, Quinn thought.
Suddenly, Brittany smiled, and Quinn gasped in shock.
"Thanks Quinn for saying such nice things about me, and for saying you're always gonna help me from now on and be my friend. You want to help me cut out these hearts then? I've still got a whole lot to do and I want to make sure Mrs Pibble knows how much I love the ozone," she said, nudging another pair of scissors towards Quinn.
Quinn's jaw dropped and she realized suddenly what the problem was. Brittany didn't even know she was different. You can't hurt someone with the truth if they aren't aware it's the truth in the first place and honestly Brittany didn't seem aware of much at all, let alone herself. Brittany was just floating through life on her own sort of cloud, with no sense of how she affected others, with no way for anybody to get through to her.
Brittany is so stupid and so clueless, Quinn thought, raging at her in her head. The sight of Brittany's smiling face was completely pissing her off, and it freaked her out that she couldn't seem to figure out how to put her in her place.
The tension rising, Quinn snapped, all pretenses and tricks forgotten.
"No! I do not want to help you cut out those stupid hearts. I will never be your friend and I'll make damn sure Santana stops hanging out with you for her own good because you're way too weird for her, there seriously has to be something wrong with you and for gods sake, take this stupid hat off," she hissed at her, leaning in close.
She ripped the hat from Brittany's head and jumped back when Brittany immediately curled into herself and started crying, with a high pitched wail, not unlike the sound her grandmother's Pomeranian puppy made when he was only a few weeks old and lonely at night.
Quinn was stunned.
Mrs Pibbles arrived at the scene seconds before Santana could extract her hand from inside her desk and run over. Seeing Brittany's ski hat in Quinn's hand, Mrs Pibbles scolded Quinn immediately and went to put it back on Brittany's head to solve the problem. Santana's small hand on her arm stopped her in her tracks.
"It's not the hat," Santana said quietly, "she doesn't like people touching her, and Quinn probably said something to upset her as well. It's also better if not a lot of people talk to her right now."
"Okay," Mrs Pibbles said recognizing that this little girl seemed to know what was going on more than she did. It was usually the problem that children wanted more attention than the teacher wanted to give them, not less.
"Would it help her calm down if the two of you sat in my office for a little while?" she asked and managed to shepherd Brittany into her office, and on her way in Santana turned back and gave Quinn her most threatening glare as if to tell her that this wasn't over.
Honestly, Quinn was a little scared. Santana could be both unpredictable and out of control sometimes. Quinn could always count on her to have her back and beat up the boys if they got in the way of her plans, but she'd never had Santana turn on her like this.
It was all Brittany's fault.
Having death stared Quinn enough to know she'd unnerved her, Santana came to sit beside Brittany in the small room. She was still sobbing into her hands and sitting cross-legged on a chair.
Santana gently dropped Brittany's hat in her lap and sat at a safe distance waiting for her to calm down enough to say something. She was glad that she'd been able to get to her before things had got any worse.
Santana was beginning to understand what the problem was. It was complicated, but it was like Brittany reacted more to ordinary things than an average person. It wasn't just a conscious reaction; it was a physical one too, sort of like she was a machine that was turned up on a higher setting to take in more and to give out more. Sometimes Brittany would react badly on this higher setting and it would make her anxious about little things, and she would get hot and start shaking and her chest would tighten and she would find it hard to breathe. Santana was glad that it hadn't got to that point this time.
After a while, Brittany stopped sobbing, but she wouldn't look at Santana and seemed to wish that she wasn't even there. Santana guessed she was embarrassed. "It's okay Brittany," Santana said gently, "I don't mind that you're upset."
Brittany opened her mouth like she wished she could respond, but it seemed all she could do right now was to keep silent. She had a wild look in her eyes like she felt like she had no control right now and if she moved, or if she spoke, or if Santana made any sudden moves then this… whatever this was… might leak out of her.
She was afraid that if that happened, it would take her longer to get herself back under control again, and not start screaming and crying in front of everyone.
Santana sighed. She knew that when Brittany got like this, she stayed like this, and she just had to wait and search her eyes until she saw the calm blue that she longed to see once again.
They sat silently for the rest of the lesson until the bell rang to go home. Santana guarded Brittany while she got her things ready, sending a ferocious growl in Quinn's direction, although it hardly looked like the other girl was about to strike a second time.
When Brittany's thoughts finally became clear while they were walking home, she realized that some of the stuff Quinn had said had made sense. The other kids never freaked out like that, so why did she?
Maybe she really was different.
If Quinn was right about that then maybe she was right about Santana. Maybe she was too weird to hang out with Santana.
She looked over at the girl she had spent most of her time ever since she had moved schools. Actually, Santana was the only other girl her age she had ever spent a lot of time with period. She'd never had a lot of friends.
Maybe there really was something wrong with her.
Maybe if Santana figured out what Quinn somehow knew, then she wouldn't want to hang out with Brittany anymore.
Brittany couldn't voice her fears to Santana who was looking at her now anxiously, sensing that something wasn't right.
In fact, Brittany found she couldn't use her voice at all.
When they got to the door of her home, Brittany wished she could tell Santana goodbye and thank you, but unable to do that she instead placed her hat in Santana's hands and turned away from her and went inside. She didn't want to be weird-Brittany around Santana any more for today.
Santana stood outside Brittany's door clutching her hat in her, hands clenching and unclenching it in her fist wishing that she was holding on to Brittany's little pinky like that day in her papi's office.
Realizing that what she wanted would only comfort herself and not Brittany, she lowered her head. Brittany needed space and Santana wanted to help her friend, so she reluctantly turned and left. She didn't notice Brittany who was looking out of her window upstairs, and sadly watching her walk away.
It took Brittany three days to feel like she could go to school again and in the meantime she'd had another appointment with Dr Constase, the psychiatrist Dr Lopez had referred her to.
It should have taken her nearly a year for her to be able to see him as he had been booked out and unable to take on more patients, but Dr Lopez had pulled some strings.
Brittany's psychiatrist hadn't said anything conclusive yet, but he'd taken careful note of Brittany's habits. He had noted her ritual of spinning eight times and saying goodnight to every single stuffed animal she had before she could go to sleep every night, and he'd heard her mom's report that even when she'd completed that routine, she could barely sleep much and was always tired.
He had also written down several other observations that he'd been able to notice herself, such as the way she twisted her hands around when she talked.
Putting the pieces together, he then sat Brittany down and asked her to take the "Sally Anne test" for him.
Brittany thought it was fun because the test involved her bringing in two of her favorite dolls and pretending they were Sally and Anne. Dr Constase didn't know that 'Sally' and 'Anne' was going to be two of Brittany's favorite Ken dolls, but nevertheless they managed anyway.
Sally-Ken took a marble and put it in her basket and then while Sally-Ken was gone, Anne-Ken took the marble and put it in her own box. Dr Constase then asked where Sally-Ken would look for her marble when she came back and Brittany pointed to Anne's box, sure that was where Sally-Ken would look, because obviously the marble was in there. Dr Constase just shook his head sadly like it meant something important.
Brittany was slowly getting ready to go to school the following morning. She had to start early because it took her this long to organize herself and remember all the things she had to bring. Suddenly, she heard some noises outside and a knock at the door. She looked out her window to see Santana standing sheepishly on her doorstep. She came downstairs and opened the door and let her in.
"I can't talk Santana I'm organizing my school stuff. Oh wait. Hello Santana. I forgot the saying hello part-" she trailed off, knowing she was rambling.
Santana was used to this kind of greeting by now and just smiled at her. "I just missed you, that's all," she said.
She really had. The day after Quinn had hurt Brittany, she had confronted the other girl, telling her that if she ever did that to Brittany again, then Santana was going to climb up the wall of Quinn's house, and creep into her bedroom while she was sleeping and cut off all her hair.
She had said it with her most deadly smile, and Quinn knew she meant business.
Santana had been lonely in the three days Brittany had been away. She couldn't hang out with Quinn right now either, so she'd had to hang out with the boys, and all they talked about was gross stuff and sports.
"I really, really missed you," she said again.
"Oh," Brittany didn't know how to respond to that. Had she missed Santana?
"What does missing someone feel like?" She blurted out.
Santana was more than happy to answer her question, she was just glad Brittany was talking again.
"It feels sort of like you're missing something. Like, you want to wear your favorite socks to school and you put one on, but you've misplaced the other one somewhere and you're kind of just forced to walk around with only one sock on but you can't shake the feeling that you're supposed to be wearing two, and that you'd feel happier if you had both. You're my missing sock Brittany," she giggled.
Brittany looked down at her feet, she wasn't wearing any socks at all. "I have to organize my books," she repeated, "it takes me all afternoon."
Santana furrowed her eyebrows. "What makes it take so long? Do you have extra stuff to take?"
"I don't know," Brittany heaved a big sigh, "I don't remember what I have to take and that's the problem. It takes me all afternoon to remember."
"I could help?" Santana asked gently.
Brittany nodded
"We've got art tomorrow and music as well as normal lessons," said Santana as she moved about Brittany's room packing up her stuff and to Brittany's amazement, had the job done in about five minutes. Santana smiled at her shocked expression.
"We'll do this everyday after I walk you home from school okay?" she said happy that this was a way for them to spend more time together.
Brittany cast her eyes to her feet ashamed, the last thing she wanted to do was to be a burden on Santana.
Santana was practically skipping around the room thinking of all the fun they would have after school since she had cleared Brittany's schedule now, but seeing her friends downcast eyes she suddenly remembered why she had come in the first place.
"Oh! Brittany! I forgot. I made you this," she said pulling a rainbow tie dye shirt out of her bag and handing it to her.
"I know you really wanted a rainbow jumper and I'm sorry I… couldn't make you a rainbow jumper… but I thought a shirt might be good too? I have a matching one too, look!" Santana said, clearly very proud of it.
Brittany held it in her hands looking it over. "The Rainbow Unillama wouldn't give you any of his fleece either?" she asked.
"Well... no… but see, I stayed up all night dyeing two of my old shirts all these colors, in a swirl like a rainbow," said Santana anxiously hoping she liked it.
"With Rainbow Unillama rainbow pee?" Brittany asked, suddenly looking extremely excited.
"Uh… sure… yeah," Santana stammered.
"That's even harder to get hold of than his fleece!" Brittany started bounding around the room dancing. "I'm gonna be the luckiest girl in the world with all that Unillama luck," she giggled. "Make sure you wear yours, so you can be lucky too!"
Santana giggled and started dancing around with her doing her trademark shuffle which Brittany immediately imitated.
When they slowed down and both flopped on the bed together, Santana realized that she'd have to make something clear. "Um… just make sure you don't tell anyone that's you're wearing um… rainbow… pee… okay?"
"Because they would just be too jealous." Brittany said seriously.
"That's right." Santana said, suppressing a smile. "Especially Quinn."
"Especially Quinn," Brittany echoed. The phone rang, and Brittany heard her mother go downstairs to pick it up. She shuffled a little closer to her friend. "Thank you Santana," she said and reached out and felt around blindly until she found Santana's pinky lying against her side. Santana sighed happily, and the heavy feeling of loneliness she'd felt that week dissipated.
For a few precious seconds she felt like they were the only two people in the world.
Susan burst into the room, her eyes brimming with tears. She didn't seem to notice Santana on her daughter's bed. Brittany jumped up and stood there, seeming to be waiting for her mother to tell her to do something. She didn't have to wait long.
"Brittany, go sit at the table downstairs I've got to talk to you about something," she ordered.
Santana waited upstairs, unsure about what she should do. If it was bad news, then she didn't want to leave Brittany alone, even if this was supposed to be a Pierce family moment.
She lay back down on Brittany's bed and decided to wait it out. She didn't have to wait long, ten minutes later she heard a door slam and Brittany yelling at her mom.
"I'm not Asperger's! You've got it all wrong. I'm a normal girl! Like Santana!" Brittany shouted.
Santana ran to the window and saw Brittany crouched in the garden by the shed with her knees drawn to her chest clutching the shirt Santana gave her tightly for comfort. Santana decided she would give her fifteen minutes to calm down and then she would go and check on her.
Only about thirty seconds had gone by when Susan suddenly entered the room, and began gathering Brittany's clothes from the hamper, her movements fast and frantic.
Santana coughed and Susan spun around. "Oh… sorry," she said wiping away tears. "I wasn't aware Brittany had a guest. Are… you Santana?" she asked.
Santana nodded.
Susan went to sit beside her. "You look after her, don't you? All I ever hear is how you've saved her from one mess or another."
"I try my best," Santana said sticking her chin out proudly.
Susan gave her a sad smile. "I doubt an eight year old child will understand this, but you can't save her from herself, Santana," Susan said. "She has a developmental condition that makes her different, and neither of us can change that. She has a fairly mild case and her psychiatrist says that he sees a lot of potential in her, and that there is a lot of room for growth and for her to learn things in her own way. He said she already seems to have some coping strategies. But you have to realize... well... we both have to realize that no matter how much 'potential' she has, she'll never be normal, Santana. This will always be part of her."
Susan seemed to need to talk, so Santana sat down next to her. "Try me, Mrs Pierce I'm smarter than you think. Tell me more," she said confidently.
Words tumbling out of her mouth, Susan told her about what the doctor had said, and the problems that she as a mother would face with Brittany throughout her life. She talked about how Brittany would be slow to focus in school especially with topics she wasn't interested in, but quick to learn everything about certain selected topics that Dr Constase had called her 'special interests.' These interests would be random, but intense, and Susan said Brittany would accumulate knowledge about them to the exclusion of everything else for months, or maybe years.
The Rainbow Unillama, Santana thought. And cats. Of course. Santana vowed to the mother of her friend that she would help keep Brittany focused, and help her keep her grades up if she fell behind.
"I expect she's going to start failing everything, she'll probably never get to high school," Susan moaned.
"She will," Santana promised. "We're going to stay in the same class the whole way through. I'll make sure of it."
Susan broke down some more, telling Santana that it was more than school, maybe Brittany could never hope for anything but assisted living.
"Then she'll live with me," Santana insisted.
Children have the funniest ideas, Susan thought. "You know what I wish, Santana. I wish most of all that she could just look into my eyes and understand how I'm feeling. Dr Constase said that he did some test with her and she failed, which means that she's probably never going to be able to see things from a different perspective to her own."
The Sally-Ken and Anne-Ken test, Santana realized. Brittany had been unable to realize where the dolls would think that stupid marble was, she was only able to think about what she would look for it herself. Who cares where the marble is anyway, Santana thought, defensively.
Susan began a general list of other symptoms, issues with communication, sensitivity to touch, sound, taste and light, sleep, food and anxiety issues. Santana's serious little face nodded intently, the things she already knew about her friend coming clearer with a reason behind them all.
"So are you scared off yet?" asked Susan.
Santana shook her head.
"She's got a different way of experiencing the world, she always has been this way," Susan said this quietly almost to herself.
"I know," Santana looked her in the eye. She thought about how much more fun she had with Brittany lately, running around being superheroes with her instead of being bossed around by Quinn.
"That's the part I like about her most," she said honestly. She hopped off the bed. "You don't have to worry Mrs Pierce, I'll take care of her, she should have calmed down by now."
She took a few steps forward and then paused at the door. "Mrs Pierce, I never thought she was broken, so she doesn't need to be fixed… she just needs friends like me who care about her."
Santana thought that maybe she could do everything for Brittany instead, and then nobody would need to worry.
She could help her with everything, just like she did this afternoon when she had helped her organize her things, and like she always helped her tie her shoes.
She knew she was also tough enough to keep people like Quinn away, and she'd get even tougher if she had to. If Brittany needed someone to 'assist' her to live, then Santana could be that for her.
She didn't know what it was about Brittany that made her want to do all that, because she'd never really wanted to help other people before. Something about Brittany made her feel protective and like she mattered. She felt like she was special and important when she was spending time with Brittany.
When she found Brittany by the shed, Brittany immediately denied that her mother had said anything to her. Santana could read it in her face that she was neither willing nor able to face who she was, and she clearly wanted to pretend that nothing had happened.
So Santana let Brittany stay in her own world, and they talked about cats and animals who can secretly talk. They talked about it until finally Brittany smiled, and that was all the motivation Santana needed. She knew in her heart that taking care of Brittany felt right, and was what she wanted to do, forever.