A/N I will be sending out unicorn headbands like in my avatar to all club members by mail, including bonus bags of sparkles that grant wishes and detachable fuzzy tails. Our meeting room will have dozens of copies of this purple plush 'pillow-pet' unicorn I proudly own instead of chairs, and rainbows painted all over the ceiling. :P No really, I wish I could do that.
xoxo – I do like to update every week if I can :) I actually had it done the week I missed, but I was staying overnight somewhere with Mrs Pierce and missed my usual update time, and then it was like being on a train and having to wait for the next stop to come around the following week. The joys of autism, haha. So I'm a bit early this week just to prove I can break routine. It's really interesting to hear that some other fics haven't always been able to incorporate canon very well. I didn't know that other people found it hard. It's good to talk to someone who has read other people's work as well and can compare- because I haven't read anything and I'm waiting for this to be over before I do so no influences happen. But anyway, I'm so glad you feel it aligns well! Brittany's sex life was the one major thing that didn't match at all with my irl story, so I had to be creative and change it up. As always great to hear from you!
Puff614 – That definitely makes sense :) As always you're spot on and understand exactly what I mean in every chapter, so thanks for that and thanks for reading :)
Taeblancaxoxo- Thank you so much for what you said, it would mean so much to "Santana" to hear that someone apart from me really felt for her over the "Ben" incident, and I'm glad you liked the chapter. :)
VeritoPerroni – Welcome newest member, I'm glad you're here! Haha, don't worry even if I were only writing for just five fellow unicorns, you'd all still be worth it :)
harleysantana23 – I'm sorry to make you want to cry sometimes, I always feel the same way writing it. I have a happy chapter coming up soon though. So glad to hear from you and I'm glad you like it. :)
So here's what you missed on glee. Ever since the Dalton dance, Brittany's mother has been attempting to keep the girls apart, and not succeeding because Brittany's decided to live by her own rules since Mrs Pierce's rules clearly weren't helping her. She's decided to try and achieve impossible things instead, which is a good idea because with her disorder, many things seem impossible. And, as for Santana, she's kind of a rebel and never cared for parental rules much in the first place. It looks like Mrs Pierce is yet another intolerant person the girls have to face, as if there weren't enough of those kinds of people at their school.
Whether she wanted to or not, Brittany's now entered a more adult world and is coming across more and more strange encounters of the sexual kind and she's finding these behaviors hard to understand. Her solution is simplifying them with information found in books about animals. Because, at least she understands animals, and luckily it works, well... sort of. People are so complex. There is just so much shared knowledge between them that Brittany has to force herself to learn the hard way.
Santana not dealing with her feelings has now turned into her outright avoiding them. I guess they got too big for her to cope with. Santana's had some bad sexual experiences, but is all about telling people she liked them. Santana's dead set on using her alter ego, which she'll eventually name Snix, to convince the world she's a different person than who she really is. Maybe Santana thinks that if everyone sees Snix, people won't really see how broken Santana is inside. And after all, if Santana's all about blocking all her feelings so none of them can get through - what's left to focus on other than superficial stuff like getting popular? Through Snix she gets power and praise that sort of keeps her going at least. Honestly though, Santana's ashamed of Snix, she hates that she's losing herself to this thing inside her. But she doesn't know how to stop.
The exception of course, is when Santana's with Brittany. Brittany brings her back. But it's not like Brittany knows right now what's going on, and if Santana did tell her, would she even understand? And that's what you missed, on Glee!
Chapter 9 – Some Things Last Forever
Brittany S. Pierce, Present.
Santana always said that 'nothing ever lasts forever.' Whether she wanted them burned or not, so many bridges that connected her to things of her past are gone. People, places, emotions that she once felt, and parts of her soul she can no longer reach. Gone.
She told me that this kind of loss happens to everyone and it sucks, but it's something we all have to go through.
Did anybody ever say to you that they'd never forget a single moment they spent with you?
Well, they kind of lied, because everyone forgets stuff.
Even Santana forgets. It's not the main things or the big picture. As the years pass by it's the details she loses. For so many of our memories together, she's left only with a distant impression of how she felt at the time. She tried to hold on tight to the good times, she'd ask me to jog her memory a bit and leave her some clues to try and get back those small details that seem to have the potential to transport her back to the moment. But it's a losing battle. Some memories she's forgotten altogether. She doesn't remember when we were little anymore, for her it's like a blurry dream that's now a million miles away. She remembers a few details here and there, like something I'd drawn her, or what we watched on TV one day, but mostly she just remembers that even though things were difficult, she was happy and that she wishes more than anything she could have even just one of those days back.
I'm young and old at the same time for one simple reason – while she forgets, I can't. I remember all of our days like they were yesterday. I can tell you what Santana was wearing, and the exact words she called out to me while we ran around like crazy on a school trip to the circus, our linked hands also clutching pink and yellow balloons. I can relive it, and feel it, like it's only just happened. With me, things last. And I try to make them last for her as well, reminding her of details she would otherwise have forgotten. She's lost the way, but I can still take her back to the past.
There's only one catch, while in general I remember more than most, the near perfect recording only happens for things that are part of my world. That includes Santana, cats, ducks and Disney movies and does not include locations of places, how to fix things or a memory of our presidents.
Ask me about cat diseases, don't ask me where Iceland is.
Remembering all that I do, I live in both worlds, one foot in the now and one firmly in the past.
It's like having two souls, one very young, the pieces from innocent times kept intact, and the other older than I should be because remembering everything helps you learn from your mistakes faster and grow wiser. When I suffer in times of now, I can never be completely consumed because inside me there will always be a child of peace.
When I said to her "I'll never forget a moment I spent with you," I never lied.
Sometimes, things do last forever, sometimes in a way, people even stay the same forever.
But only if you're me.
I could always promise her for sure that I'd never leave her, no matter what life has in store for us. Because you never really ever leave someone if you can see and feel every detail of them clearly in your mind, do you? I'll always have that, so no matter what, she'll always have me.
Brittany S. Pierce, age 15.
It was 2am and when Santana reached Brittany's house, the light in her room was still on. It was strange for most people to be awake and roaming about at that hour, but it wasn't strange for Brittany. Santana knew her friend often had trouble sleeping and would instead start one of her miscellaneous projects at night, like that time machine she was apparently building.
She shivered, the cool night air drying the sweat in her hair making it form stiff strands. Not knowing what else to do, she threw a rock into Brittany's open window and then waved to her, trying to act cool when Brittany poked her head out confused.
Santana kept waving and then grew near tears when she realized that in the darkness Brittany couldn't see her. She sank down beside the Pierce's front garden and was about to completely lose it when the door opened.
"Lord Tubbinnngtonnn," Brittany called, "are you there? Are you throwing rocks at me because you're angry about Senor Seaman? I know it's gonna be super hard to adjust to having another cat around, but Santana told me a Senor is like the Spanish version of a Lord so you guys already have something in common. He sailed all the way here from Mexico to teach you good Spanish okay? So the least you can do is be nice to him."
Santana managed a smile. She needed a bit of Brittany tonight. In fact, she needed a lot of Brittany. She stepped out of the shadows.
"Hey Britt," she said softly.
Brittany jumped about a foot in the air and looked wildly around, her gaze finally falling on Santana. Santana stood there waiting for her to compose herself. She knew unplanned visits were hard for her.
"Hi San," Brittany finally managed.
When she didn't say anything else, Santana asked instead, "Why are you still awake?" When Brittany got stunned and confused like this, she knew she had to lead the conversation if she wanted to make any progress. Right now, the best kind of progress would be to get out of the cold. Santana shivered again.
"Oh… I was making a welcome poster. Do you want to come in and see?"
Santana exhaled in relief, "Yes… please."
Brittany took her hand and led her inside, up the stairs to Brittany's room. They didn't make much noise, though Santana knew that Brittany's mom was used to her daughter wandering around at all hours, so she wouldn't think much of a few noises. Still, she was ready to dive for cover in case Mrs Pierce emerged.
When they got to her room, Brittany pointed to a glitter covered poster which read 'Hola Senor Seaman!' and featured a hand drawn black and white swashbuckling cat manning a ship that was pointed towards a little map of America. Senor Seaman himself was now rubbing up against Santana's leg. Lord Tubbington was nowhere in sight, obviously in a jealous huff.
"I had more glitter… but… I sort of ate it," Brittany said gesturing to the poster, quick to add that it wasn't her fault, "It was an accident though."
Santana didn't question it. She knew Brittany had ingested weirder things and survived. A little bit (or possibly a lot of glitter judging by all the empty containers) wouldn't hurt her.
"It's beautiful Britt. I'm sure he feels very welcome," Santana told her warmly and Brittany swung their joined hands between them happily and beamed. Santana held on to her hand tight, hoping that she wasn't planning on letting go.
Brittany noticed the extra pressure and frowned, looking up at her friend as if seeing her properly for the first time tonight, "San… why are you here?" She took note of the fact that Santana was shivering and ran her hand up her arm. "You're really cold."
"Um…," Santana stalled. Why was she here? She didn't want to have this kind of conversation , she just wanted to talk about meaningless stuff like glitter all night. The rest was just too hard.
Brittany was frowning at her with her nose all scrunched up, obviously trying to read her face.
Santana tried to make her face a mask, hiding her emotions so Brittany couldn't see. She imagined hiding them in a box where they could never be found, never be felt.
Brittany let go of her hand and turned around to look at something on her dresser. Santana whimpered from the loss of contact. Brittany turned her head around so fast at the sound that she would have given anything close to her whiplash.
"San?" she asked again. With a confidence that just… wasn't the Brittany that Santana was used to, she guided her to a chair. She placed a hand on her stomach and pushed her down gently, retrieving a brush from her dresser and moving to stand behind her so she could carefully brush out Santana's hair.
Blinking her eyes, Santana gave a thought to how messy her hair must be, especially after what happened at home (she so wasn't ready to say sex) and then from running all the way to Brittany's. She sighed, leaning back into the other girl's touch, letting Brittany show her affection in one of the few sure ways her friend knew how.
When she was done, Brittany's hand came around to her face and began gently stroking her cheek. Santana turned into her touch automatically, only realizing after a beat that Brittany was actually wiping away her tears. Santana hadn't even known she was crying.
Brittany's eyes were wide with concern. She knelt down in front of her friend resting her hands on her knees.
Santana turned her head away from her, embarrassed to be crying in front of her yet again, while Brittany waited patiently for her to say something, and after a beat reaching up to turn Santana's chin towards her with one of her long delicate fingers.
Finally Santana spoke, looking at her through the tears which were collecting in her eyelashes.
"Do I look any different to you?" she asked, praying the answer would be no.
Brittany ran her eyes up and down Santana before she answered.
"No," she said and smiled as Santana let go of a breath she was holding, "you just look like you, except sad. Maybe even right now you look more like you, than you did at school today. Why? Are you not really Santana in there?" She tapped Santana's temple gently.
"I'm not sure," Santana frowned, "I don't think I know what I'm looking for when I try to find her anymore."
Brittany moved forward and touched their foreheads together. "But she can always find me right?" she asked as she hovered, pressing her forehead close as if they were scanning each other.
"Yeah," Santana muttered, "if anyone can find me I know it would be you."
Brittany leaned back satisfied, and settled for instead running her hands up Santana's arms trying to warm her up.
"You're really cold San, do you want to lay in my bed for a while?"
"Okay."
It was soft but Brittany heard it and pulled back the covers for Santana to get in. Once she was wrapped up in Brittany's bed she felt comforted because everything she was touching smelled like her. It lulled her into calmness and forced her into honesty.
"Brittany, I just had sex with someone," she blurted out. She waited for the barrage of questions that would inevitably come and the lines of confusion on Brittany's face that came with them.
There was just one.
"Ejaculation?" Brittany asked trying out one of the new terms she'd been given on her tongue, trying to make sure they were talking about the right thing.
Santana released a breath and nodded, her fingers clenching Brittany's sheets in a tight fist.
"What was it like?" Brittany asked. She felt funny. Funny-strange, not funny-haha, like something strange had crawled inside her and was wriggling around. It made her head feel full and wooly when she tried to figure out why. Her only coherent thought was about cheer camp, when Santana had touched her. She wasn't sure why that moment was on her mind. It felt weird that somebody else had touched Santana like that. Brittany pushed all the thoughts away and studied Santana. Something was wrong. That was more important than anything else.
In spite of herself, when she answered the question, Santana tried to put on a defense, "Yeah, it was kind of exciting really. Something new, something different."
She got ready to launch into one of her typical bragging sessions.
"Santana," Brittany's voice had suddenly taken on a tone Santana had never heard her use. "Don't lie to me," Brittany said, her voice steady and calm.
Santana was completely shocked. Brittany had never questioned anything she'd ever said before. She reached for Brittany's hand, hoping that the contact would blank Brittany's mind out enough for her to stop talking like this and stop talking about feelings, but Brittany pulled away from her as if she knew that was exactly what she was trying to do.
"I'm not stupid," Brittany said, "something's wrong. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but don't lie to me. Don't lie to me when I trust you so much."
She was hurt too, and it showed.
Santana's defenses kicked into overdrive. She didn't like to be told how she felt and she especially didn't want to be told she was hurting, like she was weak.
She sat upright in Brittany's bed and snapped, "You're patronizing me." She threw the blanket off of herself, swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up as if to leave.
"No I'm not. I don't have a taser gun," said Brittany confusing the word with paralyzing.
Santana took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm herself down. Little by little she lowered herself down again to sit on Brittany's bed. They sat in silence for a while.
"I'm sorry," Santana said finally. She's lashed out because she hated to be wrong.
She wished she could be perfect. She didn't want to be the one lying to her best friend, the cause of the bright smile that had lit up her eyes only moments before disappearing. That was wrong, and Brittany deserved better. She knew she was just trying to help and that out of everyone in the whole world, Brittany was the last person who would ever look down on her and judge her.
"Just tell me." Brittany begged her, not knowing what Santana needed to say, but realizing that something seemed to be eating away at her. She begged her, but not for her own sake and not because she cared about gossip like Rhonda and the girls at camp did. She suspected that what Santana had to say would hurt her and she asked only because she sensed that Santana needed to tell someone.
So feeling braver, Santana told her. She told her about Tomas and Ben and how hard it was to keep up the facade with the boys at school. She told her everything, a long chain of happenings, yet she said nothing about how she felt about it all. At some point, during her recount of events, Brittany came forward and knelt in front of her again, as if the close proximity might help her take in what she said better.
When she was done, Brittany didn't say anything, she just placed her hands comfortingly in Santana's lap, though at times she twisted them together as she rocked on her heels.
"Do you understand?" Santana asked, starting to panic as the silence built.
"I understand what you're not saying," Brittany said finally.
"What's that?" Santana asked.
Brittany was silent.
"Brittany, please." It was Santana's turn to beg now.
Brittany was opening and closing her mouth, evidently trying to say something important, but failing as she struggled with words.
"I understand," Brittany said again, evidently not able to take it any further.
Santana wanted to say it was okay and Brittany didn't need to say anything more, but she couldn't. After telling Brittany everything, she wanted Brittany to say something, it was just she didn't expect her to be able to. She rested her own hands on Brittany's shoulders. Brittany's eyes were squeezed shut in the effort of trying to think and communicate what she thought in a way that Santana would also understand.
"I saw my life pass before my eyes. It was a very short movie, and you were in every scene." Brittany said, finally.
Santana pretended not to mind. She could almost pretend that they were playing a guess-the-movie-quote game rather than trying to share an important moment. Almost.
"Sweet Valley High?" she asked.
Brittany tried again. "A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."
Santana frowned a little. She remembered it, but it wasn't from a DVD that was on their usual cycle. That at least meant it wasn't anything Disney. Then it came to her.
"Wizard of Oz," she said, sure of it.
Brittany's eyes snapped open and her face flushed with the effort. Santana knew she had to lie now, and say it was okay. She had to tell her that she understood what she had meant to say anyway. She didn't know what Brittany thought of what she'd actually said, she didn't know what is was Brittany was convinced that she hadn't said. But Santana at least knew Brittany probably wanted to say that Santana was important to her, even though she'd done those things. She could interpret Brittany body language pretty well by now. That was the main thing anyway, wasn't it? The main thing was that someone cared.
Hearing Brittany make a little whine in frustration, Santana worried she'd have a meltdown from thinking so hard so she started to tell her that other people's words were more than enough. Before she'd had the chance to get far, Brittany interrupted her, her speech hurried as if she was trying to snatch the words before they could get away from her.
"I know that I don't know a lot about people, but I know a lot about you. I could write a book about you…well I could if I had like a really long scroll or something because I don't know how to turn on a computer anymore because we got rid of our old one and I haven't figured out the new one yet. I notice you. When all the others are looking at Quinn or Finn or even whoever is talking, I'm looking at you because you're my favorite. You're the only one I can see, you're the only one that makes sense. You're the one I want to know everything about, from you're favorite cereal to what you really feel inside. Those details about other people don't mean much to me because they don't fit anywhere inside my head and I can't understand them."
Brittany realized she was repeating herself but she didn't care, "You're the only one who makes sense, and when I'm with you, the world makes sense," she said enunciating each syllable carefully. "And one really important thing makes sense now; those things you just told me are why you've been so sad lately. You won't say so yourself because you don't like talking about feelings anymore, but you're not okay and I understand, and I'm here for you."
Santana looked both torn and speechless, opening and closing her mouth without making a sound. "Who said that?" she whispered, hardly daring to believe it, clutching Brittany's shoulders and leaning forward so they were only inches apart.
Brittany peered upwards at Santana through a curtain of her hair. "Me," she said shyly.
Santana just nodded over and over like one of those stupid bobble headed dogs in Craig's car. She no longer felt invisible, like she was going through her own private hell in a parallel universe beside her friend. She wasn't alone anymore. Brittany really understood. Although Brittany definitely had some weird ideas. She thinks that she could write a book about me? Santana thought. That's crazy, but I guess it's sweet too.
Brittany wasn't finished. It was strange, but it was like a door had opened somewhere inside her and she was going to take advantage of this moment in case it closed. "You can lie to the others. You can lie to them all day and sometimes you do. You brag about getting with boys and how that's the most important thing to you, and for a while I believed you too, until I realized that when we were alone, in the times you were happy, you never bragged to me. When you're with me, you don't hide behind anything, you're just you. You don't hide behind the list or behind flirting or saying mean stuff to people. You're never mean to me, you're always so sweet and nobody even knows it. I know you Santana, that's what I'm trying to say."
Brittany paused as if she was thinking it over. "When I think about it using numbers it makes no sense, because it would be a lot easier to pretend for just one person, not the whole school, but I have to believe that you're you when you're with me or we were never friends at all and I can't handle that. You're my best friend Santana and that has to be real because otherwise I really don't know the difference between real life and fantasy at all," Brittany told her, her blue eyes sparkling with emotion.
Santana realized that Brittany's words were simple, but at the same time they seemed somehow kind of perfect. Her eyes misted over and she couldn't help the slow smile that began forming on her face.
"Brittany…," she said and then stopped. It was just one word, but she hoped the tone of her voice conveyed more.
She'd been waiting to hear Brittany say she was her best friend for years. It was such a simple thing, but even though Brittany was so obviously devoted to her, she had never validated it with words.
"Brittany, you're the best thing in my life, never doubt that okay? It's real when it's just us. I know you're not stupid, you're the only one who's not stupid in the whole freaking school." Santana's voice was low and scratchy, thick with emotions she'd kept hidden.
Brittany looked at her with all the compassion in the world. All she could think about was how hard it must be to have to pretend to be someone else for ninety-nine percent of the people that Santana knew.
"Why do you really do it, Santana? Why do you let people hurt you? Why do you spend all your time at school being someone you don't really want to be, doing things you don't really want to do?"
To her surprise, Santana answered her. "I need to fill the quiet space in my mind," she said.
"What space?"
"You know how a little thing can keep your mind busy, Britt? Like how you can watch the ducks for hours? My brain isn't like that. It's the reverse. It's like a bottomless pit. Nothing I ever do is enough to stop the quiet and fill up the empty."
"Why do you hate it being empty so much?"
Santana hesitated, "Because then it's just me in there. I'm alone with me."
"What's so bad about that?"
A dark look crossed Santana's face. It was an expression filled with such self loathing and self hatred that Brittany felt the whole room become suddenly smaller. It was surreal, but to her, it was like all the pain in the world had suddenly centered itself in here with them. She'd never seen anything like it before. Usually people seemed kind of blank to her. It was like everything in the room was suddenly whispering to her their own sad stories, Senor Seaman missed his old family, the photos on the walls suddenly spoke volumes especially the one taken of Santana one lonely Christmas. In her imagination, even the pencils by Brittany's desk cried out from being sharpened from before when Brittany had been working on her poster.
Brittany briefly wondered if Santana's emotions seemed so intense because of what they were, or because it was the first time she had been able to see them, then she quickly changed the subject before she either lost Santana, or became lost herself. "You can't keep your mind busy by doing things that make you happy, San?"
"There aren't enough happy times. The world isn't a happy place, Britt. I don't think I'm supposed to get to be happy. The best I can hope for is for there not to be so much quiet." Santana paused. "Having sex hurt, okay? But it didn't hurt here." Santana put her hand over her heart to make her point, "It just made me feel numb and empty and I think that that's easier at least. It was so impersonal, like he did this all the time and I was just another one to tick off. Afterwards though, things were quieter than ever, and I needed you."
Brittany mirrored her, putting her hand over her own heart, trying to understand what it would be like to even for a time, to be completely numb to feelings. Brittany went to a strange place herself when she got upset, but it was like being in a hall full of mirrors that bounced feelings off of themselves and ricocheted back into her, splitting into multiple parts each time and multiplying until they were all so loud that she couldn't hear a single one over any other and couldn't tell any of them apart. They all sounded like white noise on the TV turned up to the loudest setting, or maybe one hundred TVs playing different channels at once.
Maybe Santana was the reverse opposite of that, her feelings were all trapped inside the mirrors themselves, locked away, and only silence bounced through her hall of mirrors and deafened her in a different way.
Brittany's face was unreadable and Santana felt like she was in the twilight zone. Isn't she supposed to be the one with Asperger's, not me? she thought. This whole time, Brittany had been the one being the mature articulate one with all the answers for a change. And here I am, Santana thought. I feel lost right now, and I can't even read her face. Her face used to be such an open book to me.
Santana realized she was still clutching her heart, or at least where she hoped it was, when Brittany stood up and put her hand on top of hers. She kept it there for a moment as if she was trying to comprehend something, then she pulled Santana up carefully as if she was made of glass and guided her to her bed, sitting down beside her.
"Get some sleep," she said gently.
"But your mom…," Santana fussed.
"There's no way I could ever sleep tonight. I'll stay awake and keep watch and wake you up early enough for you to get back to your place before my mom finds you, or before anyone misses you."
Santana slumped her shoulders, "Okay. I am really tired."
"I know," Brittany said softly looking at Santana's heavy lidded eyes and shuffling closer to her, "Lie down now."
Santana was confused. Brittany's bed was small and only comfortably had room for one. When she used to stay here overnight, she'd always slept on a mattress which had pretty much been permanently set up beside Brittany's bed for her. It was long gone now. Its absence upset Santana more than it should have, to her is was just another sign that nothing ever lasted forever, and that reminded her of all the things that she had lost.
When she was little, she'd spent all her time with her Papi and also Abuela who was much kinder then. She'd had all her cousins to play with on Papi's side and she'd had lots of friends. But it didn't last. When Papi left, somehow he took them all with him. And then there was Brittany who had stayed in spite of everything, never looking at her any different.
Brittany caught her looking at the floor and shook her head. "No, no, sleep here," she swept her arm out pointing at her bed.
Santana stared at her, wondering where Brittany meant for her to lie down. There wasn't exactly room for two. Brittany wouldn't want to lay this close to her surely?
She could count on one hand the number of times Brittany had initiated contact between them herself, and nearly every time, Santana had been crying. It was hard for Brittany to accept touch, but it was even harder for her to touch other people. They were opposites.
It was easy for Santana to touch others like it was nothing, but there were so few people that she could allow herself to receive affection from. Though, she had to admit, in her sleep and during Santana's 'secret Brittany dreams' where everything seemed so much easier, Brittany touched all the time and not just to comfort her.
Brittany impatiently gestured to her lap and Santana stared at her like a deer in headlights. This is new, she thought.
Misreading her, Brittany edged backward as if she were about to to move away. "It's okay I can sit over in that chair by the computer while you sleep if -"
"No!" Santana almost shouted, startling Brittany who jumped, "It's just, we've never done this before."
For a moment it looked like Santana wanted to say something else, but instead she bit down on her lip and stayed quiet.
"Come here San," Brittany said smiling at her and settling back again leaning against the headrest of the bed, "I'm not gonna bite you."
"I wouldn't mind," Santana muttered, too tired to censor herself.
"Huh?" Brittany asked.
"Nothing," Santana said curling herself around Brittany's legs and putting her head in her lap.
Brittany placed her hand on her neck and began rubbing her fingers down the fine hairs there, keeping it up when she noticed it was relaxing the other girl. Santana's eyes were beginning to close and her arms unconsciously hugged Brittany's legs closer to her.
"There's no one like you Brittany, I'm so lucky to have you," Santana whispered, letting sleep overcome her.
Brittany waited until she was snoring lightly before she started up talking to her again. She decided that if this new ability to speak her mind was a tonight only deal, then she was going to get as much out of it as possible.
"Santana, I don't know what it's like to feel empty like you do. Sometimes I think I feel nothing at all but then I just realize I don't know how to name what I'm feeling so it just remains a kind of abstract big thing inside me," She paused, "I feel that right now and I don't know why. I felt it as soon as you said you had sex tonight. I feel it even more now we're so close." Brittany leaned her head back, deep in thought, contemplating this quietly.
Twenty minutes later, Santana started incoherently mumbling something, and Brittany leaned closer to her to hear.
"There'sapolicecarinthedriveway," Santana said pouting in her sleep, and burying her face into Brittany's thigh.
Brittany giggled and smoothed her hair off her face, pausing when Santana stirred again.
"Why are the police here Santana?"
"It's the cops. Head out of the heights. Banana cream pie."
Brittany wrinkled her nose and cocked her head to one side.
"When did you steal a pie?" she asked. Banana cream was Brittany's favorite She liked to pretend different types of pie had voices. The meat pie was gruff sounding like a wooly mammoth, the apple pie sounded like a mashup of Justin Bieber and this one waitress at Breadstix, and the banana cream sounded a little bit like Santana's beautiful voice, like it was always singing and never talking. Brittany never missed a chance to play with her food.
"Mmmmm," was Santana's response, following it up with a few incoherent Spanish words that were most likely curses, and another rant about the police.
"San, don't worry about the police, they're more interested in arresting Lord Tubbington for fraud, especially after his last Ponzi scheme. I still can't figure out how he got people to invest in a company called PowerToAllCats," Brittany said, referring to her cat's bad behavior on the internet, sending mass scam emails while she was at school.
Santana didn't respond. Hearing the sound of Brittany's voice, her face had relaxed and her breathing had evened out again. Brittany smiled at her and pulled a blanket around her shoulders and settled back down comfortably to keep watch.
Hours later, while lost in thought, Brittany snapped to attention when Santana moaned and wriggled in her lap in the midst of a nightmare.
"Santana," Brittany hummed out the syllables of her name in song, trying to wake her without scaring her. "San… honey wake up," she murmured cradling her body against her.
Santana started awake and clutched at Brittany. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't leave me," she cried desperately.
Brittany was puzzled. Why would she leave?
It took Brittany a long time to calm her down, reassuring Santana quietly each time that she pleaded for Brittany not to leave her. She seemed so frightened and so convinced of what she was saying.
When the moment finally passed, she lay spent in Brittany's arms.
"What did you dream about?" Brittany said softly.
"The world ending," Santana muttered, "everyone left then the world crumbled down on me. It was horrible and almost beautiful, all at once. There was destruction and fire everywhere and ghosts walking around with pieces missing out of them."
"That must have been scary." Brittany's tone was sympathetic.
"That wasn't the worst part," Santana said passionately, "the worst part was when everyone just built everything all up again and kept going, like nothing had even happened. Like they didn't even care about what they'd lost."
"Where was I?" Brittany asked.
"You weren't there," Santana bit her bottom lip, "Where were you? I couldn't find you."
Brittany smiled, "I was right here all along. I was with you, watching your world crumble and not going down with it so I can be ready to help you build it back up when you're ready, when you're ready to see that your world can be beautiful again."
Santana shook her head, "That's the thing. In my dream, they kept going, but they never rebuilt the world as nice as before. It's like when you crack a vase and try to glue the pieces together. You might put it back on display, but it's still broken, we just pretend it isn't."
She looked hard at Brittany. "People are like vases. Why even bother putting people back together when they'll never be the same. They'll never be any good again. Why did the people rebuild the world when they were only going to hate what they saw because it could never compare to before?"
Brittany squeezed her hand. "Remember when we were seven we glued your mom's expensive vase back together before she got home because even though you'd bragged to all the boys about not caring that you broke it, you really were afraid of what she'd say?"
"We did that?"
Brittany giggled. "Yeah. Well… I thought that it was a boring vase to start with. Boring and brown, like nothing special. After you broke it, it had interesting patterns and I liked it better."
"My mom threw it away. She said it was ruined."
Brittany rose from the bed and fished the object out of her closet. "And I saved it. I didn't tell you because your mom went crazy that day and I didn't want to remind you."
"You saved it?" Santana whispered, staring at it as if it was a figment of both their imaginations.
"Yeah, I didn't like it before, but afterwards, I did, because nobody had one quite like it. We didn't put it back together exactly right and it kind of turned into art. And I think if you were to put a person back together in a different way, that wouldn't be so bad either. Maybe they'd be more fragile, but the cracks made it unique and special. And not everyone starts out as boring as that vase anyway. Some people are already great to start with but maybe if they've been broken they have something to offer that can only come from people like them, because now they're different, and you told me that being different isn't bad, Santana. It's… just… unicorn," Brittany said, realizing in the moment how true that was.
There were lots of people at her school, many of them all the same, content to follow the crowd. Most of them were mean, the others like sheep and trying to all do the same thing. Brittany didn't mind that they didn't like her very much because she didn't like them either. She only wanted the special, irreplaceable people in her Unicorn club, and to be truly irreplaceable, they had to be different. And even though Santana tried not to be different and was always pretending she didn't have her own glittery horn, Santana was different and Brittany had always known it, right from the start.
Santana was quiet for a moment, then placed her hand over her heart as she had done earlier, though this time in place of the words of love she really wanted to say.
"I don't want you to ever leave me Brittany. You won't forget me like all the others did, will you?" she said. It wasn't panicked or sad, it was just there, a plea intended to say a million words that could never be said.
Brittany mirrored her and then crossed the spot in promise.
"I would never. I'll never leave you Santana. And, I'll never forget a moment I spent with you."
End of Part 1.
3 Things:
1. When I first decided to write this I thought I might just start at Brittany S. Pierce, age 16 as she will be in the next chapter to tie in with Season 1. I'm glad I changed my mind and included this massively long backstory now. :)
2. I cried the whole way through writing this, it is hard to be brave enough to hit the 'add chapter' button sometimes even though I've never been quite as afraid to share my feelings as "Santana."
3. I wish I could say Brittany would always be that coherent and Santana would always be that open. But it doesn't work like that, when you're learning a skill there are always so many hits and misses before you get it right and learn how to use it properly. The first times you succeed are often flukes and the start of a journey, not the end.
I've probably said it before but in real life, most people don't really get me. Even people that like me, still don't always actually understand me. I'll meet someone and think I've made a new friend until I open my mouth and say something random and then it's over.
I know that you guys are unicorns because anyone who has made it through over 50k of any story, has to have connected with it at least a little bit. And I know I'm different and maybe not to everyone's tastes and that therefore this story is too, and it's only a true unicorn that can appreciate and connect to something different.
This story finds unicorns. :)
It has found…43 to be exact if you go by story alerts. And I see 21 favs, those people must all be the Unicorn Club's vice presidents. :P "Santana" herself still reigns as president. I don't know if those numbers are any good by other writers standards, but they look good to me!
As always, I'm hoping to hear what you all think. :)