As much as I loved them, I've run out of time this week to respond to all my reviews, so I'll just pick one…or two.
Puff614 - It was VERY confusing when Santana asked Brittany to show her emotions and Brittany does and comes out with the 'I love you' but then Santana immediately takes her request back. I do understand where she's coming from (though it took me years to get it) and it seems a bit deeper than just an i-love-you phobia. I'll attempt to explain how she saw it:
Satana was very protective of Brittany's 'purity' as she always called it. In her mind, she was convinced that Brittany was very innocent and mostly did good things and that Santana only did bad things. Santana knew Brittany idolized and copied her and she wasn't okay with that. She thought that 'ruined' Brittany, though Brittany did not even remotely agree. Anyway, any time Santana thought she had 'ruined' Brittany in any way with her influence or by something she had done, she would get upset. In the closet, when she was trying to get Brittany to open up, she was more or less saying, "Don't be like me, be better than me. Don't let me ruin you." But then, as it happened, Brittany tried to involve her, by saying I love you which requires a response that Santana couldn't give, so what she meant by 'don't say I love you' was really "I want you to be better than me, but please don't involve me, please don't try to make me climb that mountain with you, I'm no good, I'll only fall down." Wow, long response there, but anyway, I hope you enjoy the next chapter! :)
Oh, and some cyber love right back at gracielovesyou, you're welcome, and thanks for sharing what makes you different too :)
And in general, thanks so much guys, I even *nearly* reached my goal last week. I thought right from the start that it would be really awesome to have about 5 reviews for each chapter so 5 x what-was-currently-10 chapters = 50 and I got to 48 last week which was pretty exciting. Thanks for all being so encouraging about my writing, it's funny to think that the longest story I wrote before this was for school, and it would have been 2000 words or less. And, of course I'm about 99% sure it got an F. :p
Chapter 11 – After a Hurricane, Comes a Rainbow
Brittany S. Pierce, Present
It's pretty obvious that Santana was my first, in all interpretations of the word.
When somebody is the one to not just show you love, but to teach you of the concept of it altogether, that leaves an imprint in you that I can't describe, one that can never again be equaled by another person.
Romantically, I saved all my firsts for her, whether she took them or not, they were there and some are still waiting for her.
But was I hers? What does it really mean to be somebody's first?
Did it really count as her first kiss from a girl, when Quinn callously used her to show off to a couple of boys she didn't even care much about? Did Tomas and Ben who never even kissed her, even count at all? What about her other superficial encounters?
Are kisses and exploration of our bodies, even the most important things?
The real, honest truth is that neither of us knew what love was when we first met. I was born without the ability to innately understand emotions the same way other people could, and Santana was so neglected that she was confused about what healthy love was.
I loved Santana before anybody else did. I loved Santana when everybody else did, or thought they did. I loved Santana even though Santana didn't love herself.
It frightened her, but Santana knew that I loved her in a way nobody else ever had before.
She thought she couldn't teach me what love is, she refused to explain it properly to me or even acknowledge it. But she did teach me. She couldn't help it, because she showed me. And somehow, I was the first one to show her.
That imprint that's in me? It's in her too. It's my handprint on her heart, just like hers is on mine.
I think the most important first, is the first time your mind connects intimately with someone your own age, and you know they feel the same way back even if they can't find the words to tell you.
It's the first time someone loves you enough to make you believe even for a second, that anything is possible.
It's the first glance you share, as you and the one you love lock eyes and know that to each other, you matter for the right reasons.
It's the sense that the other person feels the same way that validates these firsts, in a way things felt singularly can't.
I think that to some extent we connected in these ways as young children, maybe many times before it became obvious.
To me, those are the real firsts and they are what count.
I want to share with you one more first now, the day Santana opened herself up enough to really see the other possibilities between us. She moved past her fears, and trusted me to catch her if she fell.
It was only for a moment, but it was her first time.
Brittany S. Pierce, age 16
Brittany left the choir room and found Santana waiting outside for her, her pinky already outstretched. Brittany took it gratefully and Santana used her other hand to wipe away the tears that were still falling down Brittany's cheeks. Her nose had colored to an almost angry red which was spreading slowly to her cheeks, but her eyes were alive and very much alert and focused. Holding her gaze, all Santana could think of was that she was beautiful, even when she cried, or perhaps, because of it.
"You know what song I would have done, Britt, if I was as brave as you?"
Brittany frowned. "I don't know," she admitted, "I guess maybe songs about world hunger and bullying and stuff about people suffering like the others did?"
Brittany guessed that was why the others laughed. A sad song about cats must not fit in with human problems.
Santana put a hand to her mouth in mock indignation. "You misjudge me, Britt. I happen to care about animals too."
"That's true," Brittany sniffled, "you love Miguel, and I caught you hugging Lord Tubbington once as if he were the last living creature on earth."
"…And I would deny that at gunpoint," Santana said firmly, still keeping her tone gentle. Her hand came to rest on the side of Brittany's head, smoothing down her hair and hooking it behind her ear. She repeated the action several times, stroking her hair long after it was already secured in place.
"What's that song about unicorns?" Santana asked suddenly, "that one where they don't get on Noah's ark and they all just cry and float away. You know, the one you want played at your funeral? I'd have sung that."
"Oh. Yeah, that's the saddest song of all time," Brittany said somberly, "I didn't sing that one because I didn't think Glee club could handle it."
"Mmm," Santana hummed. More likely they didn't deserve to hear it, she thought. Santana sung a few bars. "You'll see green alligators and long necked geese, some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees, some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born…"
Brittany joined her. "You're never gonna see no unicorns." Santana was definitely a unicorn, she thought, though she sometimes forgot that she was. On the night she had spent in Brittany's bed, Santana had said that she thought she was losing herself, but she'd also said that she knew that if anyone could find her, it was Brittany. Brittany knew she would just have to be the one to keep bringing her back every time she forgot, and lost sight of her own horn. There were hardly any unicorns at their school as it was, Mckinley couldn't afford to lose her.
"You're right, that song is so depressing. What was Mr Schue thinking anyway, making us get our sad on all week?" Santana grumbled.
"Will you sing it at my funeral San?" Brittany asked randomly, still enthralled with Santana's singing. Santana had such a beautiful voice.
Santana inhaled sharply, "I don't want to be alive if you're not, Britts. If you go, we both go."
Brittany nodded, her face gravely serious.
"Damn you Mr Schue!" Santana fumed, "look what he has us talking about!"
Santana knew she had to turn this around. Brittany still found it hard to switch between emotions and she still tended to get stuck in one for days. Santana had to snap her out of it, and fast.
Brittany didn't question Santana's outburst, in fact she wasn't even looking at Santana's face, she was just staring at her sneakers and what she could see of her socks. Brittany had chosen Santana's socks for her today. Santana let her pick out any ones so long as they were only ankle length and nobody could see them.
In tracksuit weather, she usually let Brittany choose long ones, as they were mostly covered by her pants. Santana just hoped that nobody asked her to take her shoes off at any point today, because then she would have to reveal 'Little Miss Sunshine' print socks, a gift from Brittany last Christmas. Brittany always wanted to pick out hair accessories and bracelets for her friend to wear, but Santana always cringed at her choices, saying that many colors together should be illegal. Socks, had officially become their compromise.
While Brittany was distracted and staring at her feet, Santana took the opportunity to reach into her bag and get two Pringles out of the tube she had bought from the cafeteria vending machines. It was always a good idea to always have Pringles on hand for moments like these. She checked all around her to make sure the hallway was completely clear, before putting them in her mouth and nudging Brittany.
"Look Britt Britt," she said smiling through her pretend Pringles duck bill.
Brittany giggled and the storm in her blue eyes seemed to clear up considerably, but not enough. Santana knew she'd have to go for broke. She could do a perfect duck impression when she wanted to, and the few times she had done it, Brittany had been completely in awe, especially as she was not able to make any duck sounds herself.
Santana started talking to her in her duck voice. "I'm a duck and I love you Brittany," she said, struggling to think of what a duck would say if it could talk.
That kind of imagination was more Brittany's department.
Brittany started clapping and burst into a fit of laughter, throwing her arms around Santana's neck. She loved Santana's impressions, but mostly she loved the fact that Santana was usually more open with her when she had a 'beak' to hide behind.
Santana quickly ate her 'beak' before anyone could catch her in the act of doing something so silly. She embraced her friend breathing in the scent of her shampoo. "You know Britt, they're assholes. They don't know a sad song when they hear it. And, I didn't know you could sing like that. I was really impressed," she told her, as they walked down the hall together hand in hand.
Brittany smiled. She was so glad that Santana had liked her singing, even if the other people in Glee club hadn't. "What are you doing tonight," she asked to fill the silence.
"Um… Puck. Or was it Matt this time?" Santana said crinkling her nose.
Brittany sighed. According to the song, Puck was responsible for the unicorns not being on the ark in the first place, or at least he was back when he was called 'Noah'. He was definitely trouble. Most recently, Brittany felt like he should take a fair amount of the blame for all the times Santana lost her horn. Clearly, he had an agenda against unicorns.
She had also noticed him throwing a boy unicorn in the dumpster yesterday, which proved her point. His name was Kurt and he was the only one apart from Santana who hadn't laughed at her in Glee club this afternoon. He had sat like he was made of stone in the corner, refusing to join in the hysteria with the others, nodding at her in silent support.
Brittany supposed that in one way it was lucky that she wasn't a unicorn yet, or Puck would probably go after her as well. Brittany wanted more than anything to be a unicorn like Santana, but it was beginning to become clear to her how much she wasn't. Maybe one day she would be as smart and funny and beautiful as Santana. Maybe not. Her face fell in disappointment and she looked longingly at Santana, wishing so hard that she'd been born more like her.
Santana saw her face and backtracked, "… But I could cancel and we could hang out. I really did love your song."
Brittany instantly brightened. She was so excited, she could have jumped up and down. She might not be a unicorn, but at least her song had to have some kind of magic if it could make Santana ditch a date.
"Sure, I'll just text my mom and say I'm with Becky."
"Becky… who?"
"Becky Jackson. She's like my best friend after you. I invite her over all the time and I teach her some moves and stuff for cheerleading 'cause she really wants to be on the squad. I totally taught her how to Dougie. Oh, and she lets me cheat off her in math, so I'm not failing at those confusing imaginary numbers anymore. I guess my brain really is too literal for those, like you told me." Brittany wrinkled her nose at the thought.
Santana's eyes narrowed jealously, "Should I be worried?"
"No San, she's nice, leave the razor blades in your hair, she won't hurt me."
"No," Santana said patiently, "worried about her taking my place as your best friend. You know? Sort of like when Quinn took over Lindsay's place as captain of the cheerios."
"Oh! No, you'll always be captain of my heart, San."
Santana almost melted right there. It sounded like a cheesy line, but on Brittany it wasn't. Santana considered cheesy to be when boys were trying a little too hard to make Santana feel something. And let's face it, Santana thought, all of these lame high school guys are big on trying to extract some response from me lately. Puck was different though. He didn't care about stuff like that. And Brittany was different too. She said things, not because she wanted a reaction, but because they were true, and because they were exactly what she thought and saw in her mind. That fact that Santana then had reactions to the things she told her seemed to surprise her more than anything when it happened.
To cover up how moved she was, Santana gave Brittany a wicked grin and said she would race her home.
Brittany bounced in excitement, "Okay El Capitan, and if I win, Lord T and Senor S get to stay over with you sometimes, cause they've been begging like every day 'cause they think you're really cool."
Santana groaned, "Okay, and if I win, Fatty and Diego NEVER set foot in my house again, got it?"
"Got it!" Brittany shouted, dashing off and trying to get a head start on Santana.
"No way," Santana said under her breath and then took off after her, eventually catching up and throwing herself at her friend, catching her around the waist and climbing up her until Brittany was piggybacking her.
Brittany shrieked and halfheartedly tried to throw her off. "If I let you ride on my back the whole way, I'll be too tired to cross the finish line and make it through your door. You'll jump off my back right at the end and use all your saved up energy to burst through the door first. It will be like a whole new version of the snake and the hare!"
Santana laughed, "Do you mean the tortoise and the hare?" Brittany apparently never could tell the difference. Then she realized what Brittany had actually said. "Hey, hang on are you calling me slow? It's not my fault my legs are shorter than yours," Santana said, pouting.
"Aww," Brittany cooed, "that's why I'm letting you have a free ride until just past that fence post." She pointed in the distance. "That's like my penalty. Then it's a fair fight," she said positioning Santana better and supporting her under her thighs.
Santana put her head over Brittany's shoulder and wrapped her arms around Brittany's neck.
Brittany could feel Santana's chest contracting in and out against her back, she was still breathing hard from running so fast to catch up to her.
When Brittany began to near the fencepost, Santana started struggling, making herself difficult to carry so the ride would last longer. She knew Brittany wouldn't push her off early. Once she made a rule, she always stuck to it no matter if it was practical or not.
"San," Brittany giggled, "do you have to pee or something?"
"Nope, just trying to…," she never got the sentence out because Brittany had reached the fencepost. Damn those long legs, Santana thought.
"Okay, dismount!" Brittany called.
Santana giggled and held on tight.
Brittany began gently shaking herself, like she was a duck shaking water off its back and Santana held on tighter almost cutting off Brittany's air supply. "Come on San," Brittany called.
"I don't wants to," Santana said, and Brittany could tell she was still pouting, more so than ever.
Brittany began shaking harder, so hard the two of them fell down into the grass laughing.
Santana rolled them a bit further away from the road so they wouldn't become today's roadkill.
Santana ended up on top of Brittany and began tickling her. Every spot was Brittany's 'tickle spot' and pretty soon she was begging for mercy, unable to tickle Santana back because not ever in the entire time Brittany had known her, had Santana ever been ticklish.
Santana loved how relaxed Brittany was. This was so different to how she was with other people, Quinn had touched Brittany's shoulder this morning to get her attention, and Brittany had flinched so hard. All the tenseness was completely gone from her body now, and Santana was sitting on top of her, basically tickling any available spot Brittany hadn't got currently covered with her hands.
"Okay, San I give! You can have anything you want!"
Santana regretfully slid off her smiling and extended a hand down to her to help her up. "I already got it," she said, "you were so sad today and I wanted to see you smile like that."
"Oh…," Brittany looked at her, her face breaking into an even wider smile, "so the race is still on?"
"Santana Lopez never backs down from a fight," she agreed, nodding at her, "I should warn you though, I've never lost any kind of fight yet and I'm not about to lose this one. Growing up in Lima Heights Adjacent teaches you to be tough, it teaches you endurance. I could put every one of those athletes on the track team to shame, just with the amount of attitude I have in my pinky which propels me along faster on sheer will alone."
Brittany nodded along, letting Santana have her psyching up moment, "I'm just looking forward to seeing Miguel again, I've really missed him."
"He's missed you too," Santana said softly.
"You ready?" Brittany asked sensing Santana was getting uncomfortable.
"Yep."
"Okay. Ready set GO!"
Brittany ended up winning anyway, by a long shot. Santana totally had the right attitude, but she couldn't compete with Brittany's long legs or endurance won the hard way by grueling dance practice sessions. Brittany easily made it to Santana's house in record time, then struggled with the key that was under the mat for a second. Why are keys so hard, she thought.
Then, she sat inside waiting for Santana for a few minutes until she burst through, puffing and wheezing trying to catch her breath.
"And that's how … we… do… it… in… Lima… Heights!" she gasped, leaning double and panting.
Brittany was concerned, "Are you okay, San?"
"I… ah…. I….," Santana said struggling to breathe, and clutching at air as she tried to keep standing.
Brittany jumped up from where she was casually sitting on a chair, and pulled Santana down, kneeling beside her and pressing a hand to her chest. "Come on San… breathe in… and out. In… and… out," she instructed her friend, rubbing her back comfortingly with her other hand. Santana had done this for her several times when they were little during Brittany's meltdowns, when she'd been crying so hard that she couldn't breathe.
When Santana finally felt her lungs filling up properly with air again, she looked into concerned blue eyes and was glad that this hadn't happened in front of anyone but her nonjudgmental best friend.
"I'm okay now…," she said. She hated losing any kind of competition, and she hated looking weak. She grumbled a few nondescript noises and pushed Brittany away gently. If it were anyone else, she would have torn them down with some sharp words just to save face.
Brittany didn't brag that she had won. She knew Santana was sensitive, so not knowing what else to say as usual she turned the conversation back to her cats. "My cats will be really happy, you know?"
Santana shrugged, not sure if she had enough air to speak.
Not at all deterred by being pushed her away, Brittany simply moved closer again and kept rubbing Santana's back because she could see she was still struggling.
Santana gave up and let her. "Well…," she said finally, still gasping a little, "I am pretty awesome. Those cats will just stare at me the whole time in wonder."
She couldn't believe she was such a pushover with this girl.
Brittany readily agreed and stilled her hand on Santana's back. "We haven't got any homework, so can we watch Sweet Valley High?"
Santana really only watched that show because Brittany liked it. In fact most of the shows she watched while she was with Brittany were for the blonde's benefit.
She was about to protest, until she saw the hopeful look in Brittany's eyes. "Sure," she said.
Brittany turned the hand she still had on Santana's back into a one armed hug, "Oh, and can Miguel sit with us?"
"No," Santana said firmly. She loved her pet but she was tired of explaining why there were turtle pee stains on the couch. Miguel tended to get excited when Brittany was over.
"Please…," Brittany begged.
"Oh my god. Okay. Fine. I was going to bring him down anyway."
Brittany leaned down and pressed her nose to Santana's. Brittany weirdly didn't seem to retain much bodyheat, so her nose and hands and feet especially, were always cold.
Santana flashed back to ice cream Eskimo kisses with her dad. She missed her dad, but she had to admit, this was even better.
It was also way better than last week, when Brittany had pressed Lord Tubbington's nose into hers, and then into every available part of Santana's arm. Brittany had sworn that all cats have a 'nose fingerprint' unique to them, and that Lord Tubbington wanted to leave his mark on her. Santana's nose now tingled where Brittany's nose had just touched hers. Brittany's imprint there was definitely the best one yet.
Santana realized that Brittany was still talking to her. "Hmm?" she asked.
"You're the best San," Brittany repeated.
"Well… yeah," Santana stammered as Brittany ran off to get the DVD. Her heart was racing now, and it wasn't from the adrenaline of the run. She had never lost a fight of any kind, and she had just been a total pushover with Brittany who had just bested her, what, three times? That would be grounds for Santana's 'I will end you' list in any other case.
She got the best of me three times! Santana repeated to herself in her head, waiting for the inevitable hot rage and fury she usually felt.
It never came.
All she had was a dopey smile on her face, and she couldn't really find it in herself to care.
Minutes later, both were curled up on the couch together. Santana was jabbing a finger at the screen informing Brittany that Todd had no game, and Brittany was shifting around uncomfortably at Santana's side before she eventually dropped down and put her head in Santana's lap. Santana ran her fingers through Brittany's hair trying to get her to stay still.
It didn't work. Brittany continued to contort herself, seeming to be unsure as to where to put her hands. Santana tried to solve that by grabbing one and squeezing it, and using her other hand to pat Brittany's head rhythmically hoping that this would finally settle her. Santana's hand brushed against Brittany's forehead and she was surprised to feel how warm it was.
"You're not getting sick are you Britt Britt?"
Brittany sighed and leaned into Santana's cool hand, "No… It's just…um…"
"What's up baby girl?" Santana asked concerned.
"IgotdirtyandIneedtoshower," Brittany said all in a rush.
"What?"
"When we were rolling around in the grass," Brittany reminded her.
Santana felt her own forehead getting as hot as Brittany's.
"It's one of my rules, I get dirty, I have to shower," Brittany said matter of factly.
"Ohhh…" Santana knew Brittany still liked a certain amount of routine in her life, even if most of her rules never seemed practical to the situation. Having rules and completing them were the things Brittany held on to as life preservers to bring some sense and order into her life. Otherwise, things got too confusing for her. "Okay, hold up, I'll let you wear some of my clothes and you can shower upstairs okay?" she offered.
"Okay," Brittany said extracting herself from Santana's lap and racing upstairs.
"Shirts are in the top drawer… shorts in the third drawer down!" Santana called, as if Brittany didn't know that already. Santana's room was the only place outside her own house that Brittany knew every inch of, except for maybe the duck pond.
Escaping from the lameness of the episode on TV, Santana wandered outside the bathroom lazily pacing backwards and forwards. She could hear Brittany talking to herself. She strained to hear what she was saying and then realized that it sounded more like singing. Smiling, she found herself pushing the door all the way open. She leaned against the wall, staring at the outline of her friend through the shower curtain, watching the shadow of the water cascade down Brittany's body as she scrubbed at herself with a loofah.
Santana starting breathing hard, she was enjoying this way more than it was okay to, and she felt like the worlds biggest pervert for thinking about her innocent friend's body, as the shadows of her form danced against the curtain. Brittany was loud enough for her to hear now, she was rapping at the top of her voice. "He cold, he dope… he might sell coke! He always in the air, but he never fly coach! He a muthafuckin trip, trip, sailor of the ship, ship!"
Santana gasped. Never in her life had she heard Brittany swear. Brittany probably didn't know the meaning of anything she was saying.
Santana began joining in softly, "…Drip, drip. Kiss him on the lip, lip."
Santana had noticed before when they were singing the unicorn song, that they sounded really good together. They would have to do the singing thing more often. When she sung with Brittany, singing seemed nowhere near as dorky as when they watched Berry.
Attitude was coming off Brittany in waves and her hands were flying up and down, doing as many gangsta moves as she could fit in with the beat.
Santana began getting in it as well and flipped her hand around and scrunched up her face, "…I said EXCUSE me, you're a hell of a guy."
"….I mean my my my my you're like PELICAN FLY!" Brittany hollered evidently wanting to say the part she thought she understood the loudest.
Santana was trying not to giggle by now. "Yes I did, yes I did. Somebody please tell him who the eff I is."
She immediately stopped rapping when Brittany turned the water off. Santana began edging her way to the door as silently as possible.
"I AM BRITTANY S. PIERCE, I mack them dudes up, back coupes up and chuck the deuce up!" Brittany announced as she flung open the curtain, catching Santana in the act.
Santana froze.
"Um… damn girl, you can rap," she stuttered wishing the floor would swallow her whole or that she'd stayed downstairs watching Sweet Valley High. That pussy, Todd. He was the reason she came up here, to avoid any more of his scenes. This was so his fault. Her heart was racing, which was only partly to do with having being caught, and a lot more to do with the fact that everything Brittany owned was on show right now and Santana couldn't bring herself to tear her eyes away.
Brittany smiled at her. "Hey San, I missed you. Did you like my song about Senor Seaman? He's a sailor of the ship looking for the super bass," Brittany said, pronouncing bass like the fish rather than like the pitch in music. "Then he got challenged by a pelican who was flying around, who also wanted the bass, and then I came in to it and I threatened to run over them both with my four-door coupe if they didn't behave."
Santana gaped. That was all she was gonna say? When Brittany was little, she had never had any embarrassment about her body and had been always throwing her clothes off at any opportunity, claiming they made her skin itchy. It was like Brittany didn't realize that other people might feel differently at looking at her body than she did looking at it in the mirror. Parents at the park were always horrified and Santana would have to hurriedly put her shirt back on when she took it off. If her mother was with them, then it was even worse because then Brittany would get a lecture as well. Santana had seen a lot of Brittany's child-body, but this adult-Brittany body was definitely a new thing, especially in full view.
Brittany seemed to hardly even register that she was naked as she dried herself off, completely oblivious to the hunger burning in Santana's eyes as she tried in vain to stop leering. Brittany had a mild curiosity about her own body, and eventually as she noticed her friend staring, she figured that Santana felt the same.
"You wanna touch them?" Brittany asked suddenly.
"Whhha?" Santana asked wondering if she had heard right, feeling a sudden wetness between her legs. She clenched them together. This is so wrong, she thought.
"The pepperoni cupcakes of course! They're yours after all," Brittany said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"They're… mine?" Santana liked the sound of that a little too much.
"Yeah, I made them out to you in a cheque years ago, remember? You're just taking a really long time to claim them and in the meantime you went out and got your own," she pouted.
Santana remembered. She kept that little piece of paper in jewellery box for years, next to her most precious items, including the ring Abuela gave her when she turned thirteen, and the dog tags Papi gave her from his brief time in the air force "I think I like them a lot better with you wearing them." She hesitated. "So I can really touch them?"
"Yep! Whenever you want! But hurry 'cause I'm getting cold."
Santana crept up behind Brittany and wrapped her arms around her from behind, hands coming to rest on her 'cupcakes'.
Brittany kept talking away to her and ran her hands up Santana's arms. "I always found them interesting too," she said.
Santana couldn't let that slide.
"It's not that they're interesting. It's just that you're beautiful, Brittany," she said using her full name like she never did.
"What do you mean?" Brittany's forehead crinkled. She ran through all the things that she'd ever heard being called beautiful before… sunsets, beaches, models, songs… that girl who belonged to that beast. She was none of those.
"I'm not beautiful," she said carefully, "I'm just Brittany."
"Yes. Exactly," Santana spun her around to face her, her embarrassment mostly gone. "Brittany is beautiful. Every last bit of you. Including these," she nodded at Brittany's chest.
Brittany's face split into a wide smile. "Do you mean it?" she asked.
"Yes, I do," Santana nodded, "as far as humans go, I hold you in very high standards, it's just you don't know it, and can't see it because you can't see you the way I see you."
"How do you know you feel that way?"
"Well…." Brittany would be the death of her. "I like looking at you, people always like looking at things they find beautiful. It gives them a good feeling inside."
"A really good feeling? Like feeding-the-ducks good?"
"Yeah, definitely," Santana couldn't bear to explain the rest to her. Leave attraction for another day she thought, clenching her legs together again. Or deny it even exists so she doesn't notice me being like this. One or the other.
She was starting to retract herself from Brittany and close up, she couldn't help it.
"San?"
Santana froze, Brittany's hands had come to rest on her waist.
"You're my favorite thing in the whole world to look at, even more than ducks. So you must be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
Santana couldn't help it, she pulled Brittany back into her arms and cried. She didn't entirely know why. She just clutched Brittany's naked body to her and buried her face in her soft hair and sobbed, because everything was just so damn unfair. She had a bad feeling that she and Brittany were going to end up as just another sad story, and when she heard Brittany say things like that, it just proved how much between was still left unexplored, but maybe never ever could be.
When Santana finally calmed down, Brittany didn't ask. She had held Santana to her tightly, wondering what secret the other girl knew that she didn't. She sensed that if she asked, Santana wouldn't be able to answer. Instead, she just gave Santana's hand a squeeze as she gently released her, and put on her clothes, struggling with them until Santana came over to help her.
"You're getting really skinny, B. Haven't you been eating?" Santana asked poking her ribs as she pulled Brittany's long sleeved t-shirt down.
"Mom's been buying those evil green bananas again and it's all we've got." Brittany made a face.
Santana sighed. She could never understand why Brittany's crazy mother bought so many pickles, but that wasn't the issue. She felt like she really hadn't been taking care of her friend well enough, she'd been so preoccupied with her own stuff to remember to bring representatives of the few food groups that Brittany would eat for her each day.
"Well, you're starting to remind me of a bread stick," Santana said.
Brittany giggled. She liked those. She liked bread sticks from Breadstix, bananas, banana cream pie, spaghetti, Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, Sour patch kids, Gummy Bears and Dots. Everything else in the world tasted kind of bad to her so she preferred to eat a combination of only those things each day if she could.
"I'm gonna call you my Brittsticks until you put on a few pounds alright?"
"Okay, then I'm gonna call you my Santana Banana."
Santana gave her a mock look of horror. "You wouldn't. What would people think?"
"That you're tasty, and they might get the idea that you're not an evil green thing like everyone seems to think?"
Santana groaned. Brittany really would be both the death of her and her reputation if she was going to get cutesy names like that thrown in her direction.
Suddenly, Santana remembered what she'd actually came upstairs to ask her in the first place, "Oh! Britt Britt, do you like fireworks?"
Brittany nodded. "Yeah, they're totally cute."
"Cute?"
Her question was answered when Brittany started humming a tune, "Baby, you're a firework!"
Oh… right, babies, Santana thought. She set her friend straight, "Nah, B, they're like an awesome light show in the sky, trust me you'll love them. They've got some at the annual Lima Heights festival today. It's lame, all except for the fireworks. I'll take you?"
Brittany nodded, jumping up and down, making Santana think she looked almost like a cartoon version of herself. Santana held out her arm. "Come on Brittsticks," she said grinning.
"Coming, Santana Banana!"
One hour later they were sitting on a blanket together, watching the sky. Brittany was twisting around anxiously, looking in every direction in anticipation.
"San, what if I miss it?"
Santana laughed, "Trust me B, you won't miss it, I promise."
"Okay."
They were in a secluded spot just outside the gates and behind a tree, far away from the main festival goers. Neither of them had brought enough money to get in, and Santana didn't feel like corrupting Brittany into crashing. They did however, have a great view of the sky.
Brittany was still bouncing up and down. And still humming that damn firework song, Santana grumbled in her head.
Suddenly, with a boom that was louder than anything Brittany had ever heard in her life, the sky lit up with red and purple lights.
"See!" Santana said, and turned to Brittany expecting to see her eyes shining with joy.
Instead, she noticed that with every boom Brittany recoiled violently. Her body was rigid and she was trembling. She was clearly terrified. Santana immediately felt angry with herself for not realizing that this would be too loud for her. Brittany hated loud noises because her senses were turned up like she was a cat… or a radioactive spider or something.
"Hey… come here," Santana said reaching for her and carefully pulling her onto her lap trying not to startle her any more, holding her close.
Brittany immediately curled her shivering body into Santana's and Santana wrapped her arms around her protectively. Brittany seemed confused and had her hands over her eyes. That was so not the point of fireworks, Santana thought, they were made to be seen, though you could definitely ignore the sound part.
Santana's hands made their way to Brittany's ears, muffling the sound to the point of it being bearable and Brittany's body began to stop shaking. Slowly, Brittany took her hands away from her eyes and then gasped at the rainbow of colors in the sky.
"Look Santana! There's a blue one!" she said, a little louder than she usually would.
Santana just laughed, relieved that Brittany was okay. Because Santana was so close, Brittany could hear her even with Santana's hands covering her ears.
"That one is totally the same color as your eyes," Santana told her.
Brittany was fixated, her eyes darting across the sky, mesmerized by each new one that appeared. They were coming more rapidly now, and as much as she loved what she was seeing, Brittany was starting to panic again and Santana knew she had to keep her calm.
"Talk to me, Britts," she said, trying to think of a way to keep Brittany talking to her, to distract her from the sound. "What's your thing of the moment?" Santana asked, struggling with finding a way to say it other than calling it a 'special interest' like it had been called when she'd looked up Brittany's disorder on the internet. "What's the thing that's taking over your brain. Is it cats and cat diseases again? Evolution of dance?"
Brittany had topics that she could talk about for hours, but there was always one at a time that stood out, completely occupying her focus.
"No," Brittany said, her eyes flickering to Santana's face, "it's you."
"Me?"
"Yeah. Those things are okay, but they're not it. It's been you for a really long time."
"Oh. Okay… then talk to me… about me?" Santana didn't know whether she was amused or scared to be Brittany's special topic, and now officially in the ranks of the infamous Rainbow Unilama.
BOOM! BOOM!
"Okay. Um… you're left handed. Your favorite movie is Lephrechaun and your favorite song is 'You oughta know' by Alanis Morrisette, and don't deny it because I've seen your IPOD and it's the most played song by like a mile, rivaled only by 'Come to my window' by Melissa Ethridge. Those songs show off both sides of you. Sometimes I play 'Come to my window' a few extra times when you're not around so Melissa can beat Alanis once in a while."
Santana cringed. She'd admit to Alanis in public, but not to the sappy stuff.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"You think I don't see you, but I know you smoke cigars. And, you're a total cake monster. You have the biggest weakness for cake. I always pretended that I didn't like it so you could eat my share at birthday parties because you got so excited when they brought out the cake and I thought it was all kinds of adorable."
Santana's eyes widened. She had no idea.
BOOM!
"And our necklaces and bracelets? I know you totally stole them."
BOOM!
"You like your coffee black. There's this little tickle spot under your knee that I know about but I've never used it because I just liked knowing it was there rather than using it against you. I didn't even use it today when you were tickling me to death."
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"And you're afraid to tell everyone what a big heart you've got because you're too afraid that it will get broken again because you've already had to fix it so many times and you don't know if one more time will total it completely…."
BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!
"… But really, you're the sweetest girl in the whole world. I see you, the real you. You're so special and funny. I love your duck impression and the things you say are so clever and can make me laugh like nobody can. I love the things you make and how you can tell they come just from you. You're different which means you're irreplaceable and…I…"
BOOM!
Santana couldn't help it, she tilted Brittany's face towards hers and she kissed her desperately, hard on the mouth, Brittany saw her. Brittany noticed her. She was the only one that ever truly had.
They broke apart for air and Brittany smiled at her. A sudden clarity had come over her face as if she had discovered something. Santana could practically see herself reflected in Brittany's eyes and she knew that Brittany was here. Right now, she wasn't locked inside her disorder, her mind wasn't in that hall of mirrors where feelings took her over. She was nowhere else but here with her.
Santana kissed her again, cupping the sides of her face, sliding her hands down from the other girl's ears now that the fireworks were over. She kissed Brittany all over, trying to make as much of this moment as possible.
Brittany closed her eyes as Santana's lips touched her forehead, her cheek, her neck, her hands. She didn't know what this feeling was, but it might be the best one she'd ever had yet. It was kind of like Santana was a rainbow and she was sliding down her. No, she was even better. She was a firework. Suddenly, Brittany understood the meaning of that song.
"Baby, you're a firework," she whispered to Santana.
Santana was loud and she was captivating and bold, just like a beautiful firework bursting into the sky. And right now, she had ignited Brittany making her feel like a firework too. It was like a thousand sparks were crackling between them making Brittany's skin burn with every touch. What was this feeling? Had it always been inside of her waiting to come out? Had she always felt this but never noticed it before?
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through
"Santana," Brittany mumbled against her cheek that she was now exploring with her own lips, "I liked those fireworks, but I'll always like my Santana-firework better."
Brittany felt Santana's stomach bubbling in and out with laughter at that.
"Brittany, this has been the best day of my life," she said looking deeply into her eyes and clasping their hands together, "you're my bright light shining in this miserable stinking world."
Santana looked up in the sky, was this really what love was meant to feel like? Was this how she was always supposed to have felt with other people?
"Santana, promise me. Promise me we'll show them."
"Show them what?" Santana asked tapping her lightly on the nose.
"Show them what we're worth. Make them go OH as we shoot across the sky?"
"What does that even mean, Britt?" Santana laughed again. What did it all mean, she wondered. Could she even love Brittany the way Brittany deserved to be loved? She was so pure, so innocent. Could the child within Santana's heart, rise above to meet hers?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Brittany just shot her an intense dreamy look, her gaze piercing hers, waiting for her answer.
Santana's eyes roamed over her face, which seemed to glow in the dark. She traced a few freckles with one hand.
"I'm so afraid of changing things, Britt, everything I've ever had that's good in my life, is built around you." she whispered.
The minute she said it, she knew how true it was. Brittany had always been her one constant, the one thing she could always count on. How could she risk changing that? Yet, could everything really stay the same forever? Did she even want it to? Maybe they were running out of time to change with the seasons and be fluid, not stuck.
Brittany nuzzled into her, pressing her lips gently to her neck.
Santana smiled, "Look at you, Britt, you've grown up so much." She felt Brittany's mouth curve into a smile against her skin. Maybe it wasn't in all the regular ways, but Brittany had grown up. She'd made so much progress. Even though in some ways she'd forever seem like a child, in others, she'd grown older.
Brittany pressed herself still closer, and warmth seemed to envelope Santana all over. Santana wanted this. She wanted it so badly that she imagined every cell of her being was crying out for it. But, her fears were louder still. Neither of them were the same people they were before. Time was slipping away from them both. But, unlike Brittany who was slowly becoming so much more, Santana felt like time was only making her older. She feared she could never change for the better. It wasn't just time that was slipping away, Santana felt like pieces of herself were slipping away too, and the others were stuck steadfast in old habits.
In spite of Brittany's comforting heat, Santana still felt afraid. It was like for every mountain she climbed, there was always a landslide waiting to bring her down. Or maybe, she brought herself down. She felt like, if she tried to climb this mountain with Brittany, and she failed, then there would be nothing left of her, and no mountains to ever try to climb again. Her relationship with Brittany wasn't just another mountain to climb, it was her whole world.
But still, time makes you bolder.
Am I ready to change? Santana wondered. Can I feel again? Can I be brave like her?
Another firework went off, as if it had been lost in the bottom of the bag until now, and only just found.
BOOM!
Brittany barely even flinched; she simply smiled, tilting her head up higher to meet Santana's eyes. Her lips were slightly swollen from the force behind their first kiss. Santana drew a finger up to Brittany's mouth. Our first kiss, she repeated in her mind, running her finger over Brittany's lips.
It was Brittany's first time, and for Santana, it was the first time to her that it had ever really mattered.
Maybe it was the heat of the moment, combined with the heat of the electricity rushing through them both, but Santana gave in, her troubled expression disappearing as she closed the gap between them slowly, searching her as if seeking reassurance, slowly drawing her finger away and replacing it with her own mouth. It came as Brittany put a hand to her forehead, smoothing away Santana's hair and the last of her frown lines before responding to the kiss eagerly, yet slowly, as if she couldn't believe this was really happening.
Brittany didn't care if they were dreaming or not, every part of her body that Santana had touched, still burned, as if she was a bright light, capable of making Brittany brighter too. As Santana deepened the kiss, Brittany felt happier than she'd ever been before, certain now that they were headed for their perfect road.
I'm so happy to share this part with you guys. :) I know so many people with the same disorder as me and it's sad, but for many, all they've ever known is isolation. I'm so aware of how lucky I've been to get this experience.
3 Things
1. Okay, so at the end I had the song "Landslide" represent Santana's mood and "Firework" represent Brittany's (no links because they're both on Glee!). I wanted to do that, even though the songs don't go together because it shows how different Santana and Brittany's minds are.
I also noticed how much this chapter seems to illustrate much we idolized each other, yet she thought so little of herself and as for me, I hadn't even worked out that I was supposed to have an opinion about myself as of yet. That came later.
2. The other songs aren't on glee though so here's Super Bass /watch?v=4JipHEz53sU and The Unicorn Song /watch?v=lTSE3jE_49U
"Santana" loved rap music in early high school. She'd teach me songs line by line, and she'd do these adorable little hand gestures. I copied those too. It only lasted until "Quinn" told her it wasn't cool, but I kept doing it all the time anyway. So it felt like people walked in on me rapping a lot in those days.
3. Obviously some of the facts I pulled out when I started telling "Santana" everything I knew about her were different, her favorite movie definitely isn't Leprechaun (that's just from the show), but a lot are true. She did smoke (and still does) but I wasn't supposed to know. Oh and the cake thing is so, so true. Especially birthday cakes, she gets crazy happy at the sight of them, but unfortunately I think that's mostly because she didn't get that many of them growing up.