prattle01 - I don't think your explanations suck at all! I would never have guessed English is your second language. I kind of feel like English is my second language sometimes too because I don't understand a lot of jokes and sarcasm, and also especially after when I've just said something a bit random and people have no idea what I've just said. Anyway, thanks for what you said, it means a lot to me. :) I'll miss you on your internet shutdown, no internet access sounds even worse than Blaine losing access to hairgel for two weeks. :P
Puff614- I hope you had so much fun on vacation (and I also hope your loved ones left behind didn't get lost in the sewers!). Kurt actually manages to guest star in this chapter, and I'm pretty sure he'll turn up again in some future chapters too. :) Also, I guess my title already kind of gives away the fact that Brittany's going to believe she's unicorn one day, so rest assured. Besides, it would be pretty lame if I had to call it 'The Road to Horse' or 'One Way Ticket to Equestria' … or if she stayed uncertain like she is now right until the end, I guess I could have used Brittany Spears song titles for inspiration and called it 'Not a horse, not yet a Unicorn.' Haha, glad to see you back!
xoxo - I did kind of realize after I posted, that Chapter 13 was a bit of a rushed mess in parts. I was trying to cover too much stuff, and the worst thing I did was completely omit Santana's perspective, so this chapter was all about trying to make up for that and your comments helped so much! Also, I fixed that part about Kurt's mom right away, near disaster there! It always seemed to take forever, but Santana usually managed to drag out a proper sorry and accept the consequences of her actions… eventually, so I hope she manages to make it out of the doghouse this time round. :) As for the pills, even though it would help the story I still don't know how to fix the randomness of it, in real life there was no gateway through "Mrs Schuester" for her, it was even more random because it just… suddenly happened and then they were there in the background like they had been there all our lives. She wasn't the only one at all, many, many people in my area did/do pills like that, though I still feel they all have the fastest land speed of any animal.
Taeblancaxoxo – I think a lot of people got lost on the drug bit, probably also because "Brittany" really didn't react much to it. Brittany didn't really understand what the pills even were at the time actually, her basic understanding in the last chapter was only that: Santana was sick and she had to take care of her. Anyway, I'm glad you found it beautiful, always glad to hear from you. :)
Miara848 – Haha, in real life, she said it that first time in French, which is: Je t'aime, I think. She'd usually switch between French, Spanish and Italian to tell me stuff like that, but I'm making her just stick to Spanish in the story. And I too, had the biggest grin on my face the day I first found a translator on google. I spent all day typing in 'those strange words' she'd said that I'd written down in my diary or just… remembered. Anyway, I loved your reaction to the chapter, thanks for feeling stuff with me.
SuperCarmen – It's funny you said the happy/sad thing, because people always seem to have conflicting opposite responses to stuff I do like I said in the first chapter. I'm glad you liked it!
Thank you to guest for cheering me up as well. I was having a really bad day when I got that review (it was actually over "Santana" stuff too) so I really appreciated the support, and it was super cool because it was your first post to anyone on this site :)
Anyway, I took longer to write this because I feel like I'm having issues telling this story at the moment. There's just so much going on in this part. When I lived it, I was just so confused, and now reliving it, I'm feeling the exact same confusion. I feel like if I can straighten it out in my head, I can also maybe put the past to rest. It was also kind of a shock to me to realize now as I see it on paper, that Santana did treat me quite badly in these times. When I went through it, my understanding always stopped at 'I am hurt' (and even getting there was hard), and didn't extend very much at all to anger at how I'd been treated, however I was occasionally angry at how she treated herself. It sounds a bit crazy, because I'd sit there hurting, yet most of the time I couldn't or refused to connect that feeling to her. It could have been because of autism, but when you don't feel that anger, you don't actively disapprove enough of what's happening to go "Wow, she is treating me badly," you just end up going "I must be going crazy, why does everything hurt?" Our fights didn't always have consequences to 'us' because many times I just took them to heart and suffered privately, but then refused to let them affect our connection. This was our first big fight, and there was a resolution, but I have to admit the truth, in other fights there wasn't always one. There were many times where we'd fight, we'd split for a time, she'd come back as if nothing happened, then the next step wouldn't happen, there were no consequences for her… and I may end up including at least one of those times yet and last week I got worried about how people would take it.
I understand that people reading this whose brains function better than mine did, might get angry at her in my place, and that's okay because… that helps me understand what things I should and shouldn't put up with… it's just…sometimes she'll do some really unlikeable things that I've still got written down to include in later chapters, and I don't want people to stop reading because they're angry at her! So that was my problem last week, I missed my update time because I was obsessing about not wanting to lose you guys. :)
I ended up writing a short 'essay' on Santana's character. After I wrote it I felt like I had straightened myself out enough to write this chapter, haha. I included it, just in case people are interested. You can find it at the very end of this page.
Chapter 14 – I Just Want To Dance With You
Brittany S Pierce, Present.
Things had changed for me. It all happened gradually but suddenly.
Before I knew it, I had new people around me, all clamoring for my time. They may not have understood me like Santana did, and there was no almost electrical connection between us, but they were there, they accepted me, and they were consistent. I needed that.
At the same time, my relationship with her had changed too. We'd fallen out of sync and were finding it hard to fit back into each others lives. I'd never had my own life before. In the past it was like I had always been on standby waiting for her to come to me, willing to drop everything to fit in with her. After our time of silence she came back in my life, but when she looked around for me, she didn't find me 'waiting around' for her like usual. It shook things up and it made her think.
Gradually but suddenly I had started making tiny baby steps to come into my own person. I didn't know it then, but I had just begun down a road of my own, instead of trailing after her down hers.
But, I feel like there was a path we should have taken together, you know? In a perfect world we would have gradually but suddenly, ended up in the same place instead of clinging to each other standing in two different worlds.
Most of all, gradually but suddenly, I felt like she had lost her mind. Oh, I'd seen all the signs that she was struggling, but it's more of a sudden hit that shows you the change, sort of like if you watch someone grow a tiny bit every day and you don't notice, but then one day you just look at them and you just… see.
I think life seems mostly random at first glance, then you look harder and see that most things do have a natural progression, even if we are only given the smallest of clues. Even if those around us barely have any insight at all, the links are all there.
Santana, where did you become so destructive? Was it set in motion by your childhood, was it the choices you made? Was it Tomas or Ben?
Did I enable you by standing by and watching you make many of those choices?
I had long since graduated high school before gradually but suddenly, I realized that Santana had always been just a little bit too good at escaping into her mind when people were hurting her.
Even back when it had only been Tomas and Ben, she had always dealt with those times of stress by blocking it out. Every time she encountered someone who was rough or controlling during sex like them, her body still screamed fight or flight, but her mind went elsewhere.
What scared me, was that going someplace else in her head when she was touched seemed like a natural reaction to her. It was even scarier when she was older, and she began to seek those kinds of experiences out. She called people who were degrading and borderline abusive in the bedroom 'a good thing' and an 'addictive escape'. It was an equal substitute to taking pills, because both escapes let her lose herself to the point where she had almost no memory of those times at all.
It makes me wonder if she'd had to do that before, and if sexual abuse was just something she'd grown up with. Had she had to repress bad memories long ago before I'd even come into her life? Why was this all so natural to her, why was she so convinced that this was just how life had to be?
Did someone hurt you Santana? Was it your dad, or your uncle that isn't around anymore either? Did your dad crawl into bed with you sometimes at night? Did you have to pretend it wasn't happening because you love and admire him so much? Is that why when he left, your mom blamed you, even though you were only so tiny? I guess you don't remember, any more than you remember those nights in motels with Puck's friends who thought that 'a consensual act' was such a loose term.
I have no proof, because if anything happened, it happened before I knew her. Neither of us have seen more than a glimpse of her dad since we were kids.
All this is, are clues and signs that may still lead to nothing.
All I had, was a sense that I had never known Santana completely whole, and that was strange because we met when we were only seven years old.
I saw hidden amongst her striking beauty, what to me at age sixteen, seemed like a never ending sickness which was now spreading through her gradually but suddenly, its roots clearly already planted in her so long ago.
I will never know the truth, and I will never ask her, but just between you and me, it still eats me up inside.
Brittany S. Pierce, age 16
"I don't know, maybe the blue?" Brittany said absently, as she walked towards the gates of the cemetery. She held tight to the string of the helium balloon she had with her, even though it was still securely knotted around her wrist.
"The Armani? Are you nuts?" Kurt said pausing at the gate. He didn't really want to go in. These annual visits to his mother's grave were never easy.
"Probably," she agreed, taking him literally.
"Okay, yes, you may have a point there. But seriously, you think the blue? It's my first sort-of solo for Glee club and I wonder if such somber attire is appropriate."
"I don't know what I think," Brittany moaned, "I don't know what to think about anything. My head hurts. There are so many things to think about and not enough facts or conclusions."
Kurt pushed open the gate and then paused, swinging it back and forth. "You've been like this ever since Santana came back," he said carefully, "I've noticed."
Brittany shrugged.
"I don't think she's good for you." He stilled his movements and leaned against a post thoughtfully.
"Santana is good for me. She's the best thing in my life," Brittany said. The glare on her face said fierce, yet her voice had taken on the blandest of its monotones.
"Brittany, ever since you both had that big fight, your grades have been slipping, and no offense, but you don't really have room to lose what little you've managed to maintain in that department. I thought maybe if she came back then maybe you would get better, but you're more unfocused than ever."
"Getting good grades is harder now, because she hasn't been helping me after school." She shuffled from foot to foot, making an effort to keep her hands by her sides.
"No," he corrected. "You'd be surprised at what you could do without her. Your grades fell because you spent all your time staring at her in class and not enough time listening. You were too upset to think straight. And now she's back, I don't know what's going on with you but you're more confused than ever. It's like I'm hanging out with Spacey McRainbows on a really cloudy day."
Brittany was silent.
"Come on, if something bothering you, you can tell me," he said affectionately, brushing against her shoulder with his own.
"I broke one of my rules," Brittany said glumly, jerking away from his touch. She didn't deserve any kindness right now.
"Your… rules?" he questioned.
"Yes. I have rules. My mom used to make them for me, but a couple of years ago I decided to stop listening to her and make them myself. I broke one really important one about being a good friend."
Always accept your friend and support everything they do no matter what.
"Please elaborate Britt, I'm guessing you're talking about Santana, and I can't see what you mean. It always looks like you go above and beyond for that girl, and put up with a lot of crap, though why you do that, I truly have no idea."
"I broke that rule because my thoughts are bad."
Kurt turned his hands over in a rolling motion, his own language for wanting more information.
"I'm thinking things about Santana that goes against that rule. I thought if I could only get her back then everything would stop hurting. But, when she holds my hand it still hurts and I don't know why. You'd think being with her would make me happy wouldn't it? But it doesn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. If it hurts to touch her, then maybe I'm judging her, and she hates that, so that means I must be breaking the rule," Brittany said all in one breath.
"I think you're hurt, Brittany."
"No I'm not. Santana would never hurt me," Brittany said immediately, denying it at point blank. She didn't want Kurt to think Santana was a bad person, but most of all she couldn't bear to associate something bad like that with Santana in her own mind. Thinking that Santana did bad things, made her a bad friend. Even thought it made her uncomfortable, it was easier to quickly deny it before she could even get to thinking about whether it was a lie or not.
Kurt shrugged. "She's hurt me. She's teased me about being gay lots of times, and she always goes on about how I'm not all masculine and tough like Finn and Puck like it's a bad thing."
Brittany looked torn. She hoisted herself on top of the gate beside Kurt. "Love means never having to say you're sorry," she quoted.
"Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes," Kurt countered. It was a John Lennon quote. Whenever he felt emotional, the Beatles were never far. He had played Brittany his 'Across the Universe' soundtrack earlier today because he always listened to at least one Beatles related album on his Mom's birthday. Together, they had sung along to 'Hey Jude' and 'Let it be'.
"Love isn't all black and white," he told her. "You can't just use rules. Sometimes they apply and sometimes they don't. Sometimes, you need to unconditionally accept Santana, and well, for gods sake somebody has to, but you can unconditionally accept a person without loving their choices. I've seen and heard enough about her these past few months to know that she's a destructive girl, and even if she only means to hurt herself, other people like you still get in the way. Those times that you get caught in the crossfire build up, especially if she doesn't say sorry and refresh, so you can both go back to the start."
Brittany looked at him blankly.
"So that's why I think that it's a good idea for people to say sorry all the time," he finished, hoping she understood at least half of what he said.
"Santana doesn't really use that word. She says it gives her heartburn. I've seen it. When her mom made her say sorry when we were kids she would feel real bad inside and she'd get all sweaty and hold her chest like it hurt. You can only get heartburn when someone you love is disappointed with you. It's because you love them so much."
For a moment he seemed confused, then understanding flashed across his face. "I think that's called 'shame', Britt, I feel like that sometimes when I don't come to dad's lame family friday night dinners. It hurts right here to do that to him," he said touching his chest.
"Well, whatever it was, I was the only one who knew the magic words to make her feel better afterwards, but it depended on which strange words her mom had said to her," she explained.
"How so?" Kurt raised an eyebrow at her.
"Well, for example, if her mom yelled at her and said 'You worthless bitch, you better tell me you're sorry right now', then I had to say 'You're not a worthless bitch Santana,' and then I'd hug her until the heartburn went away," Brittany explained, her voice changing to have a thick accent while she had spoken as Santana's mother.
"I try not to mind when she can't say sorry now we're all grown up because she still gets really bad heartburn, especially when she knows she's done something wrong."
Kurt nodded.
"I don't have any magic words anymore, so it's kind of my fault that she won't say sorry right? Because if I don't know the cure, then how am I supposed to help her stop hurting, Kurt? If I tell her my bad thoughts, then she might think I'm disappointed in her and she always takes my opinion to heart. Heartburn can turn into heart attacks, just from loving too much," Brittany moaned, putting her hands to her head and pressing them to her temples. "I don't want her to have a heart attack from feeling all that... um…."
"Shame," Kurt supplied, "really, it's something everybody feels, and it's not a medical condition, Britt, though it does sound like she's had it rough with her family. It's never easy when the people we love set out to make us feel so small, it throws everything out of balance I guess."
"Yeah," Brittany nodded earnestly, "she's had too much practice with heartburn so it comes on faster and bigger with her than it does with other people. She's kind of like people who have had their immune systems worn down by…"
"But…," he cut in, "my point stands. I know it's complicated, but if nobody ever says sorry, then the hurt builds up, until we can't touch each other without crying."
They sat in silence, swinging on the cemetery gates looking at the headstones in the distance. Two bird flew overhead. Brittany thought they kind of looked like turtledoves, so they must be in love. She hoped they stayed together forever. Just thinking about it, made her feel like she'd just been punched in the stomach. Why couldn't she and Santana be like those birds?
"Okay," Brittany whispered, deflating, "Maybe you're right and I am hurt. I'm hurt because things aren't the same as they used to be even though she's always around again. I never know what side of her I'm going to get. It's like I'm constantly preparing myself for the worst and it's ruining the best. I feel awful for even thinking about her this way. I wish there wasn't a whole other part of her life that I'm not part of." Sometimes, I even wish Snix didn't exist, she thought, feeling like she was horrible for even thinking it.
"You know, I get where you're coming from, because I feel the same about Finn," he sympathized, catching her around the waist and pulling her down from the gate.
They walked inside the cemetery. There were identical fresh flowers on all the front graves. Brittany wondered if all the families had got together and made a flower fund so no matter what, anyone in the flower club could always rest assured that someone would be making their loved ones' place-of-rest look beautiful. Kurt wondered if the undertaker had shelled out on some cheap flowers to give people who were walking by, and not looking too closely, the illusion that people actually cared and took care of this place.
"Finn and I," Kurt began, "we don't have what you and Santana have, but he was my knight in shining armor for so long because he was so brave, he used to stand up to all the bullies for me but now he just…um…."
He looked her over curiously. "Brittany, what are you doing?"
"Holding my breath," Brittany choked out.
"Why on earth would you do that?"
"Because we're in a cemetery and it's rude to breathe when the dead can't," she said expelling the last of her air with the effort, and beginning to turn red.
Kurt laughed. "They don't mind."
"Not even your mom?" Brittany asked.
"No, especially not her," Kurt said as they approached her grave. Kurt stood beside it, his thoughts on his mother and Finn. If she were alive, he could ask her for some advice, though she'd probably give him the same advice he was giving Brittany, and tell him that Finn wasn't good for him. He sighed.
"Santana likes it here," Brittany said suddenly, kneeling down and tracing the headstone. "She comes here without me a lot."
Kurt wrinkled his nose. Brittany never seemed to get off of the Santana subject, but then again, it wasn't like he was doing much better with getting his thoughts off Finn. He had to admit though, talking about Santana was better than thinking about the fact his mother had nearly been dead for eight years now. He never liked these annual trips all that much, they were too hard, he was glad to have Brittany here as a distraction. "Why would she come here, Britt? For fun? To vandalize some graves?"
"She said here is the safest place on earth. She said nobody can hurt you here, everyone is finally at peace. She has no idea why people are afraid of this kind of place, because it's the only place you can't get hurt."
"Santana may be even stranger than you," he noted. He could see her logic, but what kind of girl wanted to wander around the cemetery all day instead of being with the living?
"She dances here," Brittany said, "it's the safest place for her to dance."
"She… dances?" He had kind of figured out early on that Brittany had her own language, but it had taken him a while to realize that she not only used the word 'dance' for movements of the body, she also seemed to use it to explain the sensation of the times she got pleasantly lost in her mind. He'd seen how she could turn all her frustration into movement, and he'd seen the tranquil kind of vacant expression she had when she really let her body take over her mind. Sometimes, when he'd catch her in class staring out the window, she'd tell him that she'd just been 'dancing' then too, so she must have some really good daydreams. Forget your troubles, come on, get happy, he thought. And, just dance.
"Yeah. I wish she'd come here more often and be peaceful here. I wish she'd stop using those pills to dance," Brittany said, crossing her fingers the minute she had made the wish as if that really made a difference.
Kurt nodded. He'd heard so many drug rumors going around lately. Mostly, he'd heard through the grapevine that Puck had gotten a hold of a stash of uppers somehow and was spreading them around. He had no doubt that this had something to do with Santana because she always seemed right in the middle of any trouble. He'd also heard that she'd been looser lately, inviting several guys over at once and not really caring what they'd ask her to do. What a way to 'dance', he thought, feeling a moment of sympathy for the girl who had to escape her own body in those ways just to feel a moment of peace. He had a feeling that she was 'dancing' to escape from more than just 'heartburn.'
Brittany clenched her fists, realizing that she was suddenly feeling the same sensation she had in the science lab when Kurt had grabbed her wrists to stop her from punching the wall.
"That's what's really been bothering me," she said, hanging her head in shame, making an effort to calm herself.
"Hmm? The pills?" This was all very revealing, he thought.
"Not just them, I mean everything she does that ends in her getting hurt. I feel hurt by the way she left things between us, but I'm mad because she won't let me show her another way to dance. We could dance together," Brittany said angrily. "I'm mad because she's so brave and she's not being brave anymore. But most of all I'm mad at me because I should be with her right now. I shouldn't be leaving her alone because I think she's sick, Kurt. I don't think it's 'a sick that you can see' or anything," she said quoting what she'd said about herself once in Dr Lopez's office so many, many years ago.
Kurt looked at her, concerned. This all sounded like quite a mess to him, and he didn't like seeing Brittany so upset. He sensed there was more to it, so he patted her shoulder to encourage her. "You can tell me your thoughts," he said.
"I think that if this is the only way she can dance, then she's still sick, and that's another one of my rules I've broken," Brittany said, beginning to twist her hands around.
Always take care of Santana when she's sick.
"I've got no right to be mad because she's just doing the best she can do, but it's like she never tries to make it any easier for herself. I… just… feel like her life is an endless battle, but I've become the only one fighting it," Brittany stammered, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them.
When she does dance it's not like it should be, she only gets sicker, she thought thinking of the consequences of Santana's brief escapes from her mind. She pictured Santana's lost fragile expression when she finally came back to earth after a night out with the boys. She thought of the headaches and the nausea she'd get during a comedown from the pills, even though she had since never been as sick as the first time.
Why won't she let me show her how to dance? she thought.
"Don't you think you're overreacting a little," Kurt said, though he wasn't sure if that was true.
Brittany's face took on an expression of tension as she tried to think of a way to explain it to him.
If the vibe wasn't so intense, Kurt would have found her almost comical. She was so exaggeratedly serious that she kind of reminded him of a cartoon character, he could practically see the gears in her mind working overtime.
"Before I got into hip-hop, I was really into ballet, and more than anything I wanted to dance en pointe," she finally said. "My teacher said 'no', because I was too little and not experienced enough, but I took a pair from the supply room at my dance classes anyway, and I kept practicing with them over and over in private, until my feet were so sore and blistered that they bled."
"It felt wonderful at first to dance in those shoes, but then when I took them off I had to deal with the aftermath and that wasn't fun at all, but it did it anyway because I wanted to be like the girls in Swan Lake. The ballerina girls on stage weren't just dancers, they could fly across the stage like magic, and I wanted to be magic too. Except, every time I tried it, my feet would get just a little bit more swollen and bloody, until eventually I twisted my ankle really bad and I had to limp to school, dragging my feet like they were useless. I covered the worst of it with band-aids but there was only so much band-aids could do."
"Then, the next time I put my pointe shoes on, I saw blood staining the bow on the front and I realized I had to stop because those precious moments where I could sort-of fly were ruining me. There are ways to dance that can destroy you. What if, instead of my feet, it's her heart that's getting all bloody until it's as broken as useless as my feet were? What if she can't stop what she's doing like I did, and never lets herself heal so she can find another way to dance? Sometimes, I think that as long as she makes that 'leap into the air', nothing else matters to her. Sometimes I get tired of being 'her band-aid' because I know I can't protect her forever, I'm just letting her keeping on 'dancing', and I wonder sometimes, if she'll dance herself to death, just like the swans I loved so much in the ballet."
Kurt nodded. "I hear you, Britt. But if that's how it's going to be, then you're too involved. It's like you give that girl ninety percent of your brain and ten percent is left for everything else. If she falls, then you're going to fall too. In a way, you're right up there performing that never-ending ballet with her."
He never could tell what Santana was about to do. But Kurt Hummel was sure of one thing, if Santana was going to take herself down, he wasn't going to let her take Brittany down with her. He would try to keep the two apart somehow, at least enough for Brittany to separate herself from this mess to at least keep some of her own sanity. That was of course, assuming she had some to start with, she definitely is a worry sometimes, he thought. His face softened as he looked at Brittany's tear stained face. She was clutching the string of the helium balloon she'd brought to her chest.
Brittany nodded and then shook her head. She didn't know what he meant. She had no idea what day it was lately.
Kurt simplified it. "I know you're concerned about Santana, but I've got a new rule for you Britt," he said, "it's called 'Always be careful with your heart' because sometimes you have to put yourself first. Try not to let her take you over so much. I think about Finn all the time too. But I don't let him take me over."
Brittany nodded. They were both the same in a way, in love with people they couldn't have. Finn wasn't open enough to consider Kurt, and Brittany couldn't understand that. People were just people to her, regardless of their body parts. She didn't care about other people's dumb rules that tried to tell her who she could, and couldn't kiss.
Both Santana and Finn had had it drilled into them by the world that they had to like the opposite sex. But Santana's brave and challenged that, Brittany thought. But Finn hasn't. He's too dumb to challenge anything.
He just didn't think, even when there was a perfectly good unicorn standing right in front of him, she thought appraising Kurt. She'd asked him to take over Santana's presidency of the Unicorn club until she came to her senses, and he'd nodded enthusiastically even though he hadn't known what to do.
She wanted to do something nice for him.
She knelt by his mother's grave. "Hello Mrs Hummel," she said, "I like your son. He teaches me lots of Beatles songs because he says they remind him of his family before you died. I guess you all used to live in a yellow submarine, right? I think that's cool. He says you're always watching over him and that sometimes, when he's busy you might watch over me too, so when he's in the bathroom or something feel free to come on over."
She considered this again. "Come on over, but not If I'm in the bathroom too, because that would be like this one time when I really wanted to get dressed 'cause I had to go out, but Lord Tubbington wouldn't leave my side, and I had to wait him out 'til he got hungry and left for the kitchen, because I didn't want him to see me naked. Oh, it wasn't because I'm like super shy around him, it was more because cats always talk to each other. Don't get me wrong, the problem wasn't exactly that Lord T might talk about my titties to Senor or to Tiddles down the road. I don't really care about cats talking amongst themselves, because it's not like the people who overhear that stuff can understand cat language. The problem, Mrs Hummel, is that cats do also talk to parrots, and that other people actually understand parrots. So that's why I had to wait for Lord Tubbington to go for dinner because I didn't want to be having cake and tea with my grandma one day and then hear Polly, her parrot, talking about the size of my boobs. It's already embarrassing enough to hear Polly repeat the secrets that Lord Tubbington's found in my diary!"
Kurt nodded solemnly, attempting to stifle his laughter. We've got a live one here mom, he thought.
"Anyway, Mrs Hummel, what I meant was, please come visit me, but don't come when I'm naked or doing secret stuff like kissing Santana, because I know you're an angel, and angels talk to god, and even if you don't talk to him, he still just might yet turn out to be an evil telepathic dwarf named Doctor Psycho," she concluded, referring to villian adversary of her secret crush, Wonder Woman. Santana would look so awesome in a Wonder Woman costume, she thought.
At the words 'kissing Santana', Kurt choked on his stifled laughter. He hadn't been expecting that bit of truth to come out just then. This is indeed very revealing, he thought for the millionth time since they had started talking.
Brittany took a deep breath. "I have something for you," she said, and untied the heart shaped balloon with its typical hallmark message from her wrist and let it go.
"Happy Birthday. This might take a while to get to you in heaven, so I wish I'd sent it off earlier this week."
She looked at Kurt who was now looking at her with an unreadable expression. He had wondered exactly what she was going to do with that balloon.
"Be careful with your heart, Britt," he repeated smiling at her. "I always want you to be fearing parrots and sending balloons up into heaven."
Brittany smiled back. He was kind of strange when he said things like that. As long as parrots kept up with the gossip she would fear them, and as long as people kept dying, she would keep sending them balloon mail, there was no question about that.
I'll try my best to keep an eye on her, Kurt thought, looking up into the sky and shielding his eyes. The balloon was almost too high to be seen already. Hope you like the balloon, Mom, and don't worry, I really will try to protect her.
"Fish sticks, fish sticks you're so nice-y, I like you more than Lauren Zizes, you come from a trout then slice and dice-y, then you come in boxes, plain and spicy. When I can't decide I need adv…"
"Britts, are you singing to your fishsticks again?" Santana said, collapsing beside her at their regular table in the cafeteria.
"Well, yeah. Sometimes I worry that my life is actually a TV show and that people are watching me do all this everyday stuff, like trying to choose between fishstick flavors. It must get really boring, so I try to give them some better material. Sometimes, like today, I even sing just in case they want to make my life into a musical. Do you want to hear the song I wrote to my cup? It's kind of a work in progress though…"
Santana shook her head and grinned at her. "I missed you today," she said, "and yesterday after school and in Glee club… and like all week. Why didn't you sit with me?"
"Tina keeps asking me to sit with her," Brittany mumbled, "she wanted to tell me about her new cat. It's Li Hua breed and it speaks the same language that Tina's parents speak at home sometimes, which makes it the first cat that I can hardly understand. Anyway, I said I would sit with Tina and talk about it, and I don't break promises."
"But, you're mine," Santana said, frowning at her. She'd never had to fight anyone for Brittany's attention before.
Brittany nodded, but before she could speak, Kurt came up from behind them both, and interrupted the conversation.
"You don't own her, Santana," he argued, "and it's not like you've had a steady reputation of being around lately, either."
Santana whirled on him. "Hummel, I'd crack your nuts, but you don't have any, so instead I'll settle for…"
"Santana!" Brittany hollered in her ear.
Kurt shrugged at Brittany and mouthed 'good luck', taking a seat beside Mercedes at another table, while still keeping her in sight.
Making an obvious effort to calm down, Santana turned back around to face her.
"Look, I know I've been a bitch," she said, hoping Brittany would interrupt, and then reassure her by disagreeing like she always did.
When the other girl said nothing, a sick feeling overcame her like something had transpired in her absence that she was unaware of. Santana had never intended for any of this to happen between them. She knew it had all started when they fought. After she'd yelled at Brittany, she'd felt so guilty that she'd gone straight to Puck's house and he'd invited a few other guys over and they'd done some pot together, and she'd got her 'poisonous snake' on again with all of them at once. It was a move she was becoming famous for.
Those were the times she didn't remember. It was like there was a hole in her mind. So often, her memories skipped from after school to the next day. Santana hated night time anyway, the stillness always got to her, especially when she couldn't sleep.
When her family was home it was even worse. She either had to play nice to Craig and Tomas, or argue with her mom. It was always at least one of those scenarios. If they noticed she disappeared after dinner and never came back to watch TV with them, then they never said anything.
All she really had to show, memory-wise from the time she and Brittany had spent apart was a few blurs and flashes here and there. The rest wasn't even worth mentioning. The pills did help with that, but Santana knew the reason she couldn't remember much was because she didn't want to. As soon as Santana let 'Snix' take over, she could escape into oblivion, and as far as she was concerned, Snix could keep the memories, too. Santana didn't want them, and she worked hard to shake them off. It was easy to forget things when you denied so hard that they even happened. From what she allowed herself to recall, the guys Puck had brought over had all been kinds of rough, she couldn't even remember his name, it might have been Johnny? Puck had probably met him through one of his drug trades. He had basically told her not to talk which was fine with her and she was pretty sure he'd been the one to tie her up. She'd spent more time with him in the past few months than she had her own mother, but if she never saw him again she'd probably consider it a good thing.
In between, she'd gone out with some of the guys on the hockey team and turned everything she was getting back on them. It felt good to be the one taking advantage of other people sometimes. She was all about spending their money, making them do whatever she wanted for the hell of it, and then dumping them somewhere. At least... it felt good at the time, she thought.
The more she'd lost herself in those months and the more she'd come to hate herself, the more impossible it had felt to break back into life with Brittany. She'd watched her, the picture of innocence writing in that little heart shaped diary of hers with a fluffy pen. She watched her throw her head back, giggling and laughing with Kurt. She'd watched her wear those stupid rainbow toesocks that clashed with everything in the beginning, then without Santana's influence she'd progressed into outfits that that barely even matched at all, until she kind of looked like a rainbow threw up on her.
She'd also watched her haul yet another baby bird around school, trying to conceal it. She knew that Brittany justified keeping it, because in her mind she'd only promised Miss Pillsbury, no more lost birds would be found in her locker, but the teacher never said anything about her schoolbag. Other times, Santana had taken care to always look away, it had been too painful, like looking out the window from a room you could never leave. A room you, shouldn't leave, for the good of people like her. She'd wanted to talk to her so bad, but the longer she'd left it, the harder it had become.
She had kept protecting her, threatening all potential offenders that she had caught looking the wrong way at Brittany, although she'd done it silently, without Brittany's detection, because she didn't think she could face her and look Brittany in the eyes. She was too ashamed.
Or course she hadn't been able to be there all the time, and one time when she was she'd been too out of it to have been much help, like the time she'd seen some of the wrestling team girls go after Brittany.
She cracked her knuckles. She hated to admit it, but that was one fight she could have actually lost, had Puck and some of the other guys not been there. She had to give herself some credit though, there hadn't been a single slushy facial incident, either for herself or for Brittany yet.
It took feeling like crap on her first real comedown combined with the mind scattering effects of many, many pot laced cupcakes to break through her own walls and come back to Brittany, not that she remembered that day very well either.
All she really remembered clearly after the fight was waking up in Brittany's arms, like it had never happened, and they had gone home after the fireworks together. But it had, and unlike her own, Brittany's life had obviously kept going and now she didn't fit back in. She hadn't counted on that, she thought Brittany would always be there and she'd always be leaving little trails of Lucky Charms as she went from class to class like in Hansel and Gretel so that Santana could find her.
Now, Ladylips Hummel was always around. Always, she repeated in her mind. She'd also seen the Asian hanging around more times than was even remotely necessary. As for Gayberry, after she had made a beeline for Brittany, raving about desperately needing advice on what to do with a stray kitten and getting right up in Santana's grill standing between her and Brittany, Santana had made a special effort to crucify her on her Myspace page that night, thinking up more slams than ever before.
She had a plan to take down Berry. The others, Hummel and Asian, were a little harder; they were too smart. But they weren't smart enough to know to stay away from her girl.
My girl? She thought softening, looking at the doe-eyed creature in front of her that was clearly struggling not to defend her honor. Oh god, if Brittany was even willing to agree that I've been a bitch, then I must have been really bad this time, she thought. She still kind of wanted to pound her fist into all of those fucking Glee clubbers that thought they could just take Brittany away from her. But it's not like she would be even talking to them if I hadn't screwed up, she realized, her stomach flipping over in discomfort.
During all of it, she'd been so jealous. Every time Kurt had slung his arm around Brittany, she'd moved closer to Puck, wanting Brittany to hurt like she did, even though she knew there was nothing going on between the gay Von Trapp and the blonde. She'd irrationally thought that if she made Brittany hurt, then it might drive her back where she belongs, here with her. But, It had only driven them further apart, sending Brittany closer to new people and Santana further on her own trip of jealousy, too wrapped up in it to have the sense to apologize.
"I've been a bitch, I know I have. I've been a real creep," she said her voice hoarse and low, "will you come over tonight? We can maybe talk about it a little… or we can watch One Tree Hill?" She offered, clutching at her chest, every word paining her just a little bit more. Sorry seemed like the hardest word of all, but it wasn't, she knew of at least three more that were even harder.
"I don't think so," Brittany said frowning. "I promised Kurt I would help him with his ballad and now Tina says…"
"Brittany what do I have to do!?" Santana cried, dangerously close to tears. "I'm not used to this. I don't do this…"
Brittany nodded. This was about as close as Santana usually got to apologizing. She took her by the hand and led her out of the cafeteria to the janitor's closet. It hadn't changed much since their last visit, the same mops and cleaning supplies ever present. Seeing the familiarity seemed to cheer Santana up a tiny bit, but it only depressed Brittany. During their time apart, she had come here to cry over Santana, sometimes for hours on end when she couldn't stop.
"I've kind of got other stuff now," Brittany said. "I don't mean to not spend time with you, but sometimes I like spending time with other people when they'll have me. Kurt teaches me stuff too and sometimes he needs a friend. And Rachel…"
"Rachel?" Santana threw her hands in the air. "I hate that I now even have to compete with Rachel!"
You'll always be captain of my heart San, the voice in Brittany's head echoed, a ghost of the past, yet only a few months shy of the present. That day still hurt and Santana's hand was still clutching at hers which made her hurt even more. She stayed silent.
"That day that I yelled at you, it changed things didn't it?" Santana said slowly, "If I hadn't yelled at you like that…"
"No it wasn't that day," Brittany interrupted, "I know you were mad San, I know you get out of control and say things you wouldn't usually. It was three days before, under the fireworks. Things changed then, and you acted like they hadn't. You're still acting like they haven't and I feel like we missed something, we let something go, we were supposed to start something together. You went over there instead, and it hurts," Brittany said, gesturing away from some far off place in the distance that evidently was the place meant for them.
Santana nodded. "I guess I'm not ready for that place yet, Britts, and I took it out on you. I'm really sorry," she whispered, wheezing as she found the words hard to squeeze out of her throat. "And, I know you're not really ready either," Santana said thinking of Brittany's oversensitivity to touch and the other issues that came with her disorder. She'd never ever want to pressure her. She hugged herself, curling her own arms tight around her body, meaning the apology with everything she had. Out of all the things she felt powerless to stop herself doing, she wished she'd controlled herself better on that day. The least she could do was to tell Brittany that.
"You never say that word," Brittany whispered back, the sound barely carrying, even in the confined space of the closet. She noticed that Santana kind of looked like she was having trouble breathing and it hoped it wasn't because of her mild peanut allergy. There could be some peanuts travelling by air particles in here from the last time I ate lunch in here alone, she thought worriedly. The last time Santana had actually had a peanut in her food, her throat had seized up and she almost couldn't breathe. It had been so scary, that Brittany had vowed to wear a peanut allergy costume when she went trick or treating next Halloween. She planned to tell everyone that if she didn't get enough candy, she could become contagious because that would totally scare people in paying up. Brittany thought her real life monster idea was pretty smart, because peanut allergies were real and scary, unlike all the fake monsters. Mostly though, she thought she was smart because everyone would finally get the message not to put any nut flavored candy in her pumpkin pail this year, so for the first time she could split her treats evenly with Santana.
"I mean it. I do," Santana said, a desperate edge creeping into her voice, touching her arm to bring her attention back. "I'm sorry you got hurt because of me. I'm ashamed…" she said, finding she couldn't finish the sentence and instead clutched at her chest.
It's not a peanut allergy, it's heartburn, Brittany realized and wasted no time scooting forward and easing her into her arms. Santana settled against her leaning heavily on the taller girl, her forehead tucked tightly under Brittany's chin.
Brittany wondered what the magic words were this time to make her better. Drawing a blank, she just said out loud the first thought that came to her head. "You're being brave again. When you're brave it doesn't hurt so much when you touch me." She was proud that Santana had been brave enough to risk a heart attack and say sorry like Kurt had said needed to be done.
"Hmmm?" Santana asked, pulling back slightly. When she'd registered what Brittany said, the ghost of a smile appeared on her face and she snuggled back into her again.
Brittany smiled back. She'd found the right words after all. She kissed the side of Santana's forehead and received a pleased, almost bashful nuzzle back into her neck in response.
"Will you come over after school now?" Santana asked hopefully, her voice muffled.
"No," Brittany said gently, somewhat weirded out by the sudden role reversal. Usually she was the one who had to beg for Santana's time, "I still can't. But we'll do something… next week okay?" She frowned, wondering why between them Kurt, Tina and Rachel had been so insistent on booking her out for a whole week, and why it almost always involved cats. Brittany couldn't be sure, but it almost seemed like they were searching for excuses to get her to come over and somehow knew she couldn't resist a cat play date. She wanted to go be with Santana, she knew Santana needed her right now. But, she'd promised the others first so that was that. There were all these rules that were clashing and conflicting with each other now, but she knew that as soon as she said 'I promise,' whatever she said after it, had to take priority.
Santana sighed and pulled away. There's this whole other life of hers now that I'm not part of, she thought, uncomfortably. I may not be ready, but I don't want anyone else to have her, not even a little piece of her. "Please?' she asked, wondering if she really was reduced to begging. "Rachel will be busy tomorrow."
"But she said she would be. I was going to bring Lord Tubbington over to meet… "
"Trust me," Santana interrupted with a grin, "she'll be busy. I've got an email typed up pretending to be an agent looking for young talent. I'm going to send it to her tonight and ask her to meet me in some really public place. She'll be so embarrassed when the Cheerios show up instead, she won't ever leave her house again." And that will keep her away from you, she thought, a flash of jealousy rising again. Now where was Kurt's weak spot? Maybe she could create a fake IM name and start sending him messages from a guy whose screen name was 'Broadway buns of steel', and claim to be playing for the pretty ponies. That would get his attention, then she could set him up too, and have the guys from the football team there instead of the Cheerios. She turned the possibilities over in her mind, grinning wickedly.
Brittany's smiled had completely disappeared. She hesitated for a minute, her hands knocking together as she rocked back and forward on her feet. She recalled Kurt's words.
You can unconditionally accept a person without loving their choices.
Suddenly, what she had to do became clear.
"I can't let you do that Santana. I'm going to tell Rachel," she said.
"What? Are you kidding me?" Santana looked at her incredulously. Brittany had usually gone along with most of Santana's schemes before, though they usually were about defacing other people's property and internet profiles. "You're not even pretending to be on my side anymore are you? You're on theirs. You even care about that stupid hobbit more than me," she said miserably, too tired to even care what she was saying.
"No, Santana," Brittany said seriously, "I am on your side. That's why I'm not letting you do this. If let you do that, I might lose you not be able to find you again. And then, what if I never get you back? I won't just stand by and help you make those kinds of choices just to make you happy!"
"I told you I'm not a nice person."
"How can you ever be, if nobody ever believes in you," Brittany said, clasping Santana's hand. Santana held on for a few beats, feeling the warmth and looking at Brittany as if she had grown another head. If she had grown another head, it was perhaps more mature than she'd ever thought Brittany capable of being. She understood what she meant. She knew that Brittany was trying to protect her from herself, she just didn't think that was even possible anymore. She wrenched her hand out of Brittany's grasp, and started walking away.
"Where are you going?" Brittany called out.
"Nowhere," Santana mumbled, even though she knew Brittany couldn't hear. Definitely not home, because she suspected that Tomas was over. She wanted Brittany to follow her so bad, even though she didn't know where she was going. But they had fourth period next and Brittany didn't skip school, it was against her rules.
Three things:
1. "Santana's" memory, or lack thereof really does play a background part in this. I'm quite sure she's sincere when she says she doesn't remember things. I'm also quite sure she's sincere about the heartburn. This one time I remember she came to school late because of a fight with her mom, and she basically just fell upon me, almost crying because it hurt so bad. It seemed to spread through her body but start in her chest. I guess it was psychological, but it seemed very real to her. Anyway, I never found it strange until that day because a few teachers were watching us and they kept asking us frantically if she was okay and then were even more weirded out because I was so calm like this happened all the time (it kind of did). When we were really young, there was a time I thought I could fix all 'sicknesses' with hugs, you should have see me hugging my grandmother for all I was worth right before she died.
2. I still have "Kurt" in my life. He's good to me and I can count on calling him anytime when I get really lost and I'll describe the landmarks until he finds me. Though he's not a perfect fit for his chosen Glee counterpart, I think he still works okay as a supporting character to this story, and since Kurt sung "I want to hold your hand" and "Blackbird" on the show I felt free to keep "Kurt's" love of the Beatles. The reason I'm not telling this story to him is because he hasn't listened to "Santana-talk" in a long time now. He's biased because he's seen too much of the bad and not enough of the good so I think he doesn't understand anymore. I can't listen to his advice about me and her because he's never been on her team, he's just been on mine. That conversation in the beginning actually took place on the phone, and it went for 10 hours!
3. Santana really was a cemetery junkie, and she loved this movie that I think was called 'Home Room' because the girls in it had a similar theory about not fearing the dead.
I stole another girl's expensive pointe shoes, but one time, not many times and I was actually caught, but I still managed to hurt my feet on those things. I have however, witnessed many pointe related injuries.
And, most importantly, I have to point out that this chapter really shows off the 'rigidness' of autism. Even though I promised other people first that I'd hang out with them, I should have been able to break that when "Santana" needed me. I got so confused by my simple mind and all these conflicting rules.
No need to read the below essay unless you're interested in Santana's character.
Philosoraptor S. Pierce, Present
(because calling me an actual philosopher is too laughable)
Okay if this interpretation is slightly off, it's because I wrote the description about my "Santana" and then went and backed it up with quotes and examples from the show's Santana because it seemed smart at the time I also completely realize I'm breaking the 4th wall, but at this point there actually hasn't been that much difference between Brittany S. Pierce, Present's and Authors Notes for a while now.
#
There are many sides to Santana. The only thing those sides have in common is that they're all emotional, she feels the full range of emotions very intensely. She's the one who will become so angry at a Glee club loss that she has to be physically held back from attacking the others, she's the one who will be upset and hysterically crying her eyes out for the tiniest of reasons, and then she's the one grinning like the happiest girl in the world during Glee club numbers, her entire face smiling and lighting up with joy.
She is very self centred, so much so that the very first 'nice' thing she ever says on the show ("I like being in Glee club, it's the best part of my day okay, I wasn't gonna go and mess it up") is still all about her, rather than about actually connecting with others. Things don't really improve after that. She remains extremely preoccupied with her own image ("It's win-win for me, it will be great for my image and Coach Sylvester will totally promote me to head cheerleader"/"We will be the undisputed top bitches in this school"/"I wanna be famous, plain and simple") and thinks that image must matter just as much to other people, as seen in Hell-O when she tries to manipulate Finn to date her, saying it will improve his own rep as if that has to be the strongest bargaining chip possible. She has a narcissistic sense of entitlement and thinks she should always get her own way. She will order waitresses to give her free food, and boys to bring her more bling and does not accept the word 'no'.
She is not one to compliment others or go out of her way to build them up. On the whole, she is about tearing the world down, preying on other people's weaknesses and insecurities. She is a very smart girl, but she uses it to get inside people's heads and to find their vice, be it Rachel's height, nose and fashion sense, Sam's lips, Lauren's weight (endangered white rhino anyone?), Finn's weight and virginity and Kurt and Blaine's lack of masculinity and sexuality. It takes intelligence to be that snarky, but just being smart doesn't make you want to tear others down, that comes from deep insecurities and a lot of pain.
I do think of Santana as a narcissist, and they are confusing people because they are always in your face telling you how great they are, but if you look closer you realize that its all a smoke screen or a 'defense' to hide how little they actually think of themselves. When people have to be so loud about their supposed 'self esteem' you often can find that they actually have very little of it at all, or at least it's not a stable kind. Rachel Berry is another one in the show that does that, she never shuts up about how great she is, but I'm pretty sure the only thing she likes about herself is her voice ("I am my voice!") and how is that self-esteem? Santana never apologizes properly on the show. She'll try to defend her actions as right like in Silly Love Songs ("I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think they suck!") or she will go to apologize and not be able to do it and instead unleash more insults, like in Mash off ("I'm sorry…. that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones"). I feel the reason Santana finds sorry such a hard word to say is because she can't stand to look bad even for a second, it just hit her too hard, her ego is too fragile.
And then there's Brittany, who brings out Santana's protective side ("Leave Brittany alone!"), which is arguably one of her best traits because to protect Brittany, Santana's sweet side has to come out so she can call Brittany a genius and "help her cross the street". With Santana's sweet side, comes vulnerability, so every now and then we'd see Brittany cuddling her like in Blame it on the alcohol or opening up to her like in Prom Queen, and it's really good that Brittany keeps her in touch with the other side of herself.
My point is, is that Santana has many sides and does have a lot of personality traits that could make her seem unlikeable. I wouldn't know, but it occurred to me after I uploaded the last chapter, that maybe other writers on here might focus on her 'better' sides for creativities sake, because I can imagine how that interpretation would actually make for a lot of better stories.
So that was when I felt afraid that I might lose readers because of my choice to show Santana's unlikeable traits equally as much as her likeable ones. I feel like people are getting a bit frustrated with her already and it's not like she's not going to suddenly stop being self centered or be able to suddenly push all her other sides away to show her best one all the time.
I think Season 3 did that actually, and suddenly cut away part of Santana's personality. I don't know about you, but I don't think any real "Santana's" of this world can change that fast. All of a sudden, halfway through season 3 or thereabouts her chaotic character was so peaceful and she became all about shouting to the heavens that she had a girlfriend, and loving the world enough to be willingly putting up pictures of Berry in her locker. And, most unrealistic of all, right at the end in the Nationals episode, she was able to admit when she thought she was wrong and apologize, at a time when it was hardly necessary! ("I'm sorry, I always go to the yelling place, I have rage."). Also, it was like she was stripped of her emotions too. Even when their lives get better, people who feel emotions strongly, don't just stop feeling, they usually just feel more free to express themselves, if anything.
I guess you could put it down to Brittany taming her, but in my experience, the "Brittany's" of the world just aren't powerful enough to do that at all, let alone in a few episodes.
Also, it looked more like 'neutralizing' than taming to me. I never wanted to 'tame' mine like that, I just wanted her to channel her power in more productive ways. You know, I bet that's what other writers here do, they probably channel her character into the amazing girl I always knew she could be. I so want to read that myself!
But for now, I'm over here writing the reality of who she is. And I think Glee is over there writing half of what she is.
Anyway, that's just my interpretation/opinion of it.
I also figure my best chance of keeping people on Team Santana in spite of her unlikeable moments in these next few chapters is to make sure I include as much from her point of view as possible.
Oh, and I might change this to M before the next chapter is up, just so you know. I'm not sure it's necessary, at least not until the last few chapters, but I guess I might have at least alluded to some things that could deserve an M rating and the last thing I want is to get this story deleted.