Hey Unicorns! :) I think I got about 27 reviews for the last chapter which is just so awesome, and it means so much to me. I'm still determined to finished this. I was actually working on this chapter and the next one at the same time, so hopefully the next one will be up soon too.

When it comes to warnings, this one contains drug use, and observations of unconventional sexual practices.

unicorn P – That's a really good question, and that's probably one of the main things I still have to answer. Maybe it's even the most important part of all of this. I really want to answer that properly, so in the next chapter (which I've already written most of) I will do my best to explain. Thank you for what you said. :)

Flor :) – I am also grateful to the person on tumblr that sent you here! I'm also happy that you mentioned the humor, because I had a person or two tell me in pm's that me and my story is 'too depressing,' and while I did put this in the angst category, I don't feel that it's a 'sad story' or I've had a 'sad life' or anything like that. It's about all shades of light and dark, and good or bad, and I wanted to thank you for being someone that I know really understands that. Also, you're welcome, and I for one think your English is excellent. :)

Miara848 – Thank you, oh and you're definitely a unicorn, and a very special one to me :) I have only just finished my chocolate easter eggs actually, but I think I still have some peeps :p I have a hard time eating those cause they are so cute. As for shipping other couples, I guess I'm so Brittana focused that I don't really notice anyone else much, even though there are some other really nice couples. It's like I have Brittana colored glasses on. Oh, but I have to say I did really like Samcedes. I love Mercedes so seeing her be with someone was so great. *gives you a really, really big hug* :)

broken-timemachine - I have to admit, I don't miss my ex-roommate(s) that much. :p They did throw a book at me that time. They were kind of fond of throwing things at my head, but usually smaller and lighter objects that didn't hurt. I guess when that happened they were too drunk to judge any better. Sometimes I kind of wanted to bitch-slap them too ;). Thank you, and I'm sending you a hug :)

allal0ngthewatcht0wer- *virtual hugs back* :) I also was in detention a lot … for finger tapping and for this clicking noise I used to make with my tongue, and of course for my constant imitations of other sounds in the room. The clicking noise earned me the nickname Maggie like the baby from The Simpsons from one teacher, because I guess it sounded a bit like the noise she makes.

brittana1314 – You're welcome, and I hope you find the love you want someday too! :)

nayainspired93 – I like to think that the people reading understand me more and more with each chapter too. Each time (and with each piece of the past) we get a little closer to the present where I am the person I am now, today. Thank you for reading. :)

Canine Warrior – Thank you :) I'm not sure how "Santana" would react … that's actually part of my disorder – not being able to get in people's heads and predict reactions very well, but knowing her she would react in several different ways. She'd probably be touched, happy, sad, angry… everything.
I can tell it's something that I do want to share with her when she's ready though. I've left her so many hidden messages throughout the text, things in code that only she could understand.
Also, wolves are awesome.

ChaosRocket – Don't worry! I will keep writing it until the very end. :)

hlnwst - I'm wishing you the best of luck with your original work! I'd love to read it myself when you're done. I kind of had this dream that I was a real author with people buying my story a little while ago actually, but I know I'd want my "Santana" to be part of it if I edited it into a real book. I'd want her to have the first and last pages (the 'foreword' and the 'afterward' I think they call it). I know it would be amazing to have this out there, but I also know I wouldn't be able to release this without her getting her say. Oh! And I knew the very day you recommended this to your readers the second time, cause all of a sudden I got a whole lot of alerts all at once and I totally knew you had something to do with it again :p :)

heybrittbritt - Hola, ¿cómo estás? :) I'm sorry your long distance relationship didn't worry out for you :( I hope you like this chapter!

daydreamernightdoer – Thank you, and I know what I said doesn't make that much sense yet, but I don't worry I definitely have a plan and I don't want to mark this as complete until it really feels like it is. :)

Bmcbrid – I agree with all you said :) I think that breaking down like that did (in the end) made Brittany stronger, and gave her more of a fighting spirit than she had before. Independence is such an important thing, and while I guess it isn't achieved overnight, all little steps count. Oh, and I wish I had a photo of the brain cake, and knew where to get hold of some jellybeans. For Easter I mostly got Peeps and Angry Birds eggs. :)

natalya3721 – You're welcome :) and I also believe everyone has a story to tell... and I guess we somehow have to find the words to tell it too. I know I didn't have those words in my head when I was 16 or 17, or even 20.

I'm kind of out of space and time now, but also thank you very much to 73amy37, MGale, wkgreen, luceroadorada, cord, JEJ,MisAtentionSpan, Peaceagent15, najiow, just. a. dreamer .named. jay and Guests. I read every review I get and truly treasure the support. I hope you all like this chapter :)

Chapter 23 – Down The Rabbit Hole

Brittany S. Pierce, Present

Dear Santana,

I'm sorry that I didn't understand that you had a problem with drugs. Even a month before today, I still didn't get it.

You told me that it was just for fun. You said it wasn't something that you spent much money on, and that you could stop anytime.

I still believe that you didn't lie to me about any of that.

I figured out that being dependent on substances will not always look dramatic or dangerous like some people will tell you. It doesn't even have to be that noticeable.

There are lots of people out there who work, who go to school or university, and who keep up their social lives, but still abuse substances at the same time.

You told me that unless you were lying in a gutter somewhere, shooting up, then you were fine.

But you weren't fine, Santana, and that's because you were using these pills in place of real intimacy with people. You used them to make it easier for you to satisfy Puck, and to make and keep friends.

Maybe you weren't physically dependent on them, but emotionally you definitely were.

You know what? Once I came across a bag of cocaine at somebody's house, and I actually thought twice before throwing it out, because I knew how much stuff like that was worth to you.

Sometimes, you even acted like it was worth more than me.

I forgive you for that, Santana. I forgive you for everything. I'm just trying to understand.

Love,

Brittany

Brittany S. Pierce, age 20

"Miss Lorraine! Miss Lorraine. I need to talk to you about my grade. What did I do wrong?" Brittany asked, bursting into the teacher's office, speaking before she was even all the way inside. "I'm in your class and I messed up the mid-term we had last week and this is a disaster!"

"Look through your notes again," Lorraine muttered, keeping her finger on the column of data she was adding up in her dead. "And it's just Lorraine, you don't need the honorific. Damn, I lost count again," she grumbled. It had been one of those days.

Brittany didn't move. She dropped her arms down to her sides and shifted around on her feet, looking lost.

Lorraine grabbed the textbook and flipped through it. "Read Chapters 11 and 12," she suggested. "Especially look at the case study. I was looking for something similar to that."

"Right," Brittany said cheerfully, relieved she now had a plan. She shuffled out the room and soon disappeared from sight.

Fifteen minutes later, Lorraine had finally regained her concentration, only to be disturbed again by the girl coming back. "What is it now, um-"

"Brittany."

"Okay, Brittany you can't have read all that so quickly. Maybe you could ask one of the TA's to help you if you're still confused."

"I can't. I don't want to ask the one that stares at my boobs, and the rest aren't in their offices. And I so did read it. I just read fast."
Brittany then recited several passages of the text almost word for word to prove it. "I read it all, I'm just not sure what it actually says," she finished. "Please help me."

As Brittany spoke, Lorraine's eyes widened and she took off her glasses and polished them, then replaced them, balancing them on her nose. Well, this one's probably on the autism spectrum, she thought, watching pieces of the puzzle come together as Brittany started up on another awkward explanation of why she couldn't find a TA. With a thirty year long career of working with autistic kids and adults, Lorraine was experienced enough to be able to spot the signs quickly of autism quickly, and if nothing else, Brittany's body language gave her away.

"Let me see your exam paper," she said kindly, smirking when Brittany handed it over almost like it was a contaminated thing.
"Okay, well here's the first problem. We gave you a case of a young woman and you've written her a pretty good treatment plan, but nowhere in your report have you stated what her differential diagnosis is."

"It was PTSD," Brittany interjected. "Post traumatic stress disorder. She saw an accident and it upset her very much."

"That's right. So why didn't you tell me that on paper?"

"I guess I thought it was obvious?" Brittany shrugged.

"In an exam nothing is obvious. We don't know what you're thinking okay? And even if you had told us it was PTSD you would still have had to tell us why as well. You have to spell it out, or it's like doing a math problem and just writing the answer and not showing the working out part and expecting full marks. You need to work on your communication."

"Okay," Brittany agreed writing 'communication!' on her hand.

"Secondly, you need to write more words and less pictures. Sometimes a picture is okay, but even though I could tell you understood the concept of the homunculus, I had to give you zero marks for your graphic depiction of it, because we needed more words. So again, communication is the issue."

Brittany nodded, and added a few exclamation points next to the word on her hand.

Lorraine stared at her, wondering what her story was. She's clearly high functioning enough to have made this far, she thought, wondering how she could have missed her in her class this semester. Surely I would have noticed her. Something about her interests me.

"I'm sorry I missed most of your classes," Brittany said, answering the unspoken question, and looking at her feet.
"I've been… sick… and it's a long way to come from my house because I had to move back home. I'm still trying to keep my grades up, and this midterm was really important to me. That's why I…oh!"
She tensed visibly, making her hands into fists. "Were you busy? I forgot that asking if people have time for my questions is really important! I'm sorry, usually I'm more polite than this."

Lorraine could tell she was beating herself up, so she gave her an understanding smile. "It sounds like you have a lot on your plate."

Brittany's eyes narrowed and she looked down, and then around for the mysterious plate, wondering if the teacher was offering her cookies or something.

After a beat they both slapped their heads in unison. Ugh… oh dear, Lorraine thought. In all her years of experience she had never been able to stop using those phrases that many of her autistic clients took literally, no matter how many times she had tried to train herself not to say them. I'll never learn, she scolded herself.

Oh my god! I took what she said literally again, Brittany thought moaning internally. Not again! I've looked up a whole list of those confusing sayings and what they mean like ten times on the internet. I'll never learn, she scolded herself.

Seeing their shared body language, Lorraine smiled. "No, Brittany I mean it sounds like you might be quite stressed over the things you have to do."

"I kno-ow!" Brittany told her, drawing the word out. "I really know what it means. It's just those kinds of phrases create a certain kind of picture in my mind, and I get caught up in that and totally forget it has a double meaning."

"I know," Lorraine said, almost tempted to run the syllable as long as Brittany had. "Look, when I'm not teaching, I run a clinic here on campus and I see several autistic clients, young and old, per week. If you're not interested in that then I also have free group sessions where many of my adult clients sit around and discuss strategies with each other. Even if you're not one of my clients you could still attend those sessions and-"

Brittany's eyes suddenly got big and tearful, stopping Lorraine mid sentence. Okay, she thought, watching Brittany's posture droop in a way that seemed almost heartbreaking to her. In that moment their eyes locked, and Lorraine knew that Brittany knew that she had figured her out, and that that she was taking it like that made her a failure. I really do wonder what her story is, she thought again.

"I'm doing fine," Brittany mumbled. "Really, I am. I don't need any-"

Lorraine backtracked. "I need an apprentice who knows what it is like for my clients," she covered, interrupting her. "You'll be in your junior year in a couple of months, so maybe you'd like to get a head start on learning some good professional techniques in person, rather than just acquiring knowledge from your textbooks. I think you could be an asset to me, and you could help me boost the feeling of morale in the room."

Brittany lifted her head. "Really?" she asked. Helping other people? Being an apprentice, she thought. "Wow Mrs Lorraine, I will do my best! I won't bring your broomsticks to life to do the work for me either," she promised.

Lorraine was bemused. "Yes, really, and um…what?"

"You know, like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. The Sorcerer's Apprentice. I like Disney."

"Oh!" Lorraine allowed herself to laugh. "You know, I think my daughter loved that cartoon with the mouse and the brooms when she was little."

Brittany smiled back. "Thank you for the opportunity, Miss Lorraine."

"Just Lorraine, Brittany. College students don't need to say the rest." She looked at her watch.

"I've got a group coming right about now. They all have Asperger's. You can sit to the side and watch if you want. There's a boy that I'd like you to get to know, he can be very low functioning at times."
I can already see that you're miles ahead of him, she thought, studying her, worried for the boy who was proving so difficult to help. "His name is Danny, and I'd like you to talk to him, and see if over time you can help him to make some better choices."

Brittany nodded eagerly.

"And, I'd like you to meet Kat. She's going to take the floor for most of the hour today. Unlike Danny, she is very high functioning, and only comes to these group meetings to help and inspire the others. Our private sessions are mostly about her coping with everyday stresses, because she still needs help to cope with the demands of her job, and difficulties with her husband and children."

Jobs, husbands and children? Brittany thought. That sounds so… normal. She didn't have time to think about it for long before a small, skinny boy that was likely years older than he looked wandered in, looking around as if everything on the walls was fascinating, until he finally caught sight of Brittany.

For at least a whole minute they sized each other up, subtly shifting around to see each other at all angles. She couldn't help but to stare. There was just something about him, something in him that Brittany recognized but couldn't describe.

"What's your name," Brittany asked finally. He had large round glasses with huge eyes peering out from them, and ruffled windblown hair that stood up in all directions. I bet it's Harry, she thought. He kind of looked like Harry Potter.

"Danny B. Watson," he replied in a pleasant, but low monotonous voice, training his eyes on her feet.

Not Harry, Brittany thought. "Ask me mine, now," she prompted helpfully.

"Oh yeah!" He laughed a little. "What's your name."

"Brittany S. Pierce."

"Hello."

"Hello."

There was a silence.

"Do you like cats?" Brittany asked hopefully after a beat. It was the best conversation starter she had. But then again, sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.

"Yeah. I do. I have two of them. Their names are Batman and Betty Hissface. Did you know that the first cat in space was French-"

"Yeah!" Brittany interrupted, standing up straighter. "The year was 1963, Her name was Felicette and she was the first cat astronaut to survive the trip! She was badass. All cats are. Did you know that in the original Italian version of Cinderella the fairy godmother was a cat? Hey, you think my cat can add yours on Facebook?"

"Sure, but only Betty has a profile right now. I like cats, but my 'thing' is kind of space and planets," he admitted.

"That's cool," Brittany said seeing Lorraine nodding at them and smiling at her out of the corner of her eye.

She let Danny rave on for the next fifteen minutes about space. It's kind of interesting actually, she thought, paying him close attention.

She liked the things he was saying, but mostly she kind of liked that he face lit up every time he stated a new fact. She wondered if her own eyes lit up like that when she talked about the things she liked too.

"You look like someone I know," he said unexpectedly.

"Really?" Brittany asked growing excited. "You know I've heard that everyone on earth has a body double somewhere in the world. Maybe mine is closer to me than I thought she would be."
Or maybe the twin that I was supposed to have lived after all, she thought, her mind blown.

"No, I don't mean anything like that, I meant you remind me of my spirit guide."

Brittany gave him a blank look. "What's that?"

"Her name is Astra. She's my best friend. I can't see her, but I talk to her all the time. She's from another planet, but I think her human form would look a lot like you," he said appraising her. "I have a whole lot of other friends too. There's all the Pokémon in the legendary games and some other people that Astra knows. But, I love Astra best."

"Oh. I used to have friends like that," Brittany admitted. "I used to talk to these colorful, powerful animals that nobody else could see. My 'Astra' was rainbow colored beast with a unicorn horn and magic fleece." She laughed a little. "And, there were others."

"What happened to them all." He seemed genuinely distressed.

Santana happened, Brittany thought. When she showed up, my fantasy life wasn't good enough anymore. I wanted to join the real world to be with her. Well, for most of the time, she admitted in her head. I still have fantasies but I don't rely on them like I used to.
"Oh, you know," she said out loud, then paused. "I guess I got busy," she finished lamely.

Accepting this, he nodded. "I'm never going to be too busy for Astra. But we could be friends too? I don't have any other human friends."

"I'd like that," Brittany told him.

"That's good." He nodded three more times. "A friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard," He quoted. "We must now have, or be those things."

"Yeah," Brittany choked out, suddenly filled with an almost painful sense of déjà vu. Hadn't she asked Santana what the word 'friend' meant so many times when they were growing up together?

Brittany wasn't sure why she was now suddenly blinking back tears. Maybe she was sad because she knew personally just how long the road was ahead of Danny. Or, maybe she felt like this because she was now on the other side where Santana had been. Danny made her realize how isolating it must have been for Santana to have spent almost every waking and non-waking moment of her childhood, with another kid who wasn't even sure if they were even friends.

Lorraine called the group together to sit down and listen to Kat, who turned out to be a beautiful dark-skinned woman in her thirties with a lot of personality and a fondness for energy drinks.

She talked with her hands and spoke without stammering or going off topic, and within seconds Brittany was won over.
Kat is a unicorn. She's smart, she's got it all together and she's independent, she thought. What is her secret? I want to be just like her one day.

Brittany sat on the other side of the room apart from everyone with a notebook in her hands, and she pretended to take notes. In reality she couldn't even get her pen to move, she was too caught up in what was being said.

Kat's speech today was on ways to get past having sensory issues in the workplace, and half of the terms she used sounded to Brittany like they were in some foreign language.

Sensory what? Brttany thought, hearing the word again. What the hell is that? And that the hell is 'stimming' or a 'special interest'.

Brittany pouted, and Kat looked over at her and met her eyes straight on and smiled, halfway through a funny story on some crazy thing she had once said to her boss.

Well, since I'm gonna be Lorraine's apprentice and working with her clients I better learn what all these things are, Brittany reasoned to herself. Maybe I'll pick up some books on this syndrome on the way home.

By now, everyone was standing up to leave, and on her way out, Kat waved to her, and Brittany saluted her new idol back.

"Hey, Brittany S. Pierce?" Danny asked, having appeared at her side and dragging his feet, clearly not wanting to leave before asking her something.

"Yeah, Danny B. Watson?"

"You're from my planet aren't you," he said struggling to get the words out and say what he meant. "You're a star voyager like me who has travelled all the way to earth. I can feel it."

There was a long pause. "Yeah, Danny, you're right. I am," Brittany finally affirmed. If he wants to call autistic people 'star voyagers,' then who I am to stop him? she thought, taking a deep breath and trying to lift her head up high, and walk to her next class.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Kurt asked, nervously. "This can't possibly be a good idea."

"Of course it is! I want to surprise Santana! She always visits me, and I never get to visit her. This is so exciting." Brittany's excited chatter trailed off and became almost unintelligible noises as she ranted and raved on about seeing Santana again.

Kurt put a hand to her mouth, gently silencing her. "No Britt, seriously, do you have the right address? This neighborhood is creeping me out. I wish we'd arrived earlier."

"It's fine," Brittany said shrugging, and looking around at the rundown houses with the slowly peeling paint. There were almost no lights in the street, and the one that was there was letting off an eerie glow. "And I do have the right address. This is where I sent the cupcakes I made her."

"How do you figure this kind of place to be fine," Kurt asked, nervously, putting emphasis on the last word.

"Because it's hers," Brittany said honestly, "and I'm sure she's made it a lot nicer on the inside."

"I would have stayed in Lima over this," Kurt mumbled, wondering if getting out a torch and attracting attention to them would be a worse idea than staying in the dark.

"She wanted to get away from her mom, Kurt," Brittany reminded him, "and she couldn't get housing on campus. Or maybe she didn't want it because it had too many rules. This was how it had to be."

"Let me see the address. I don't want to knock on Marty Mc'serial killers's house by mistake."

Brittany's forehead creased and she bit her lip. "You're judging her. Stop judging her," she told him in a hard tone.

"I'm sorry," Kurt apologized. "I'm just trying to protect you but it's coming out wrong. I'm gonna be nothing but nice to Santana."

Even if I'm still a bit pissed off with her for not being there for you very much lately, he thought, looking at her and taking her hand.

Brittany squeezed it back as if to tell him he was forgiven, and then dragged him up the sidewalk to Santana's door.

She went to knock, but instead the door pushed open easily.

Why didn't she lock her door? Brittany wondered. Doesn't she realize that her stuff could get stolen. I heard of this stuffed animal thief on a news report the other day. He was pilfering stuffed animals from daycares, so that kind of thievery is going around at the moment. And, I'm pretty sure Santana would be extremely pissed if her favorite teddy bear that I gave her years ago got stolen.

"Wouldn't want to leave any money around," Kurt said, echoing her thoughts in his own way.

They pushed open the door all the way and Brittany saw a guy that she didn't know sitting on Santana's couch. He had long shaggy multicolored hair, and was dressed all in black with an interesting pattern of eye makeup on his face.

Brittany didn't have time to appreciate his hair or his eyeliner. "Who are you, and where is Santana?" Brittany demanded.

He smiled at her, a slow charismatic smile. "Santana's at the club. Are you going? I'm Maz," he said.

"Maybe it's Maz Mc'serial killer," Kurt whispered in her ear. "Be careful."

Brittany nudged him. He was being such a worrier today. This was Santana's home, so it had to be completely safe. I've always felt safe around Santana, she reasoned. Her friends must be safe too.

She turned back to the strange new guy. He was kind of blinding her with color right now. "What is the club?"

"Newbie, huh?" Maz laughed. He stood up and moved closer to her. "You're pretty cute you know."

"I am not a newbie. I was here in her life long before you. I just don't know about this club," Brittany glared at him. He smelled kind of funny. It was that woodsy kind of smell that she remembered so well. He's been smoking pot, she thought, nodding.

His jaw dropped. "You're not the Brittany by any chance are you?"

Brittany stood on her tiptoes to appear larger than him. "Yeah, that's me. And that's Kurt." She pointed to him.

He sat back down disappointed. "Well, then you're off limits. Look, they just left, so they won't be back for ages."

"Then I will go meet her there!" Brittany said excitedly.

"Well, you won't get into Club X dressed like that," Maz said matter-of-factly. "Go upstairs and borrow something of hers and I'll show you where to go."

Fifteen minutes later, Brittany had sorted through the pile of clothes on Santana's bed and found something that she thought she could pull off.

Santana has so many new clothes that I haven't seen, she thought, stroking her fingers over the new fabrics. I wonder why she doesn't wear this kind of thing when she visits me.

From what Brittany could tell, Santana's new look was all about spandex and tight leather, and of all things that laced up. She side-eyed Santana's closet. And about really short dresses, she mentally added.

At first, Brittany wondered if they were really hers, but they had to be. They were all her size, and there was a well worn photo of Brittany's own face sticking out of one of the pockets of a jacket on top of what kind of looked like a Barbarella costume.

"Wow," Brittany said to herself trying to hang up a corset that looked expensive. "This is some new wardrobe. I bet she looks so pretty in all these things."

Brittany had chosen to put on a dress that looked kind of like it was inspired by a school uniform. It was so short on her that she was glad that she had tights on underneath.

She twirled around and walked downstairs.

"Much better!" Maz said approvingly.

Kurt looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he just nodded his head. "Let's get this over with," he told her.

It was a short drive to the club, and Brittany was spinning her head almost all the way around to not miss any sights. It wasn't often that she got to be in a different state. She had to admit that there wasn't much to see around here though.

Within minutes they were at the entrance to Club X, trying to sneak their way in.

"Too young," said the guy at the door, looking at Brittany.

"It's just the school uniform, maybe," Brittany offered.

"No, the dress only does you favors. But you're still too young."

"My Santana's in there," Brittany told him, feeling so close yet so far. "I came a long way. Let me in there to see her, please?"

He paused. "You know Santana?"

"Yes. I'm Brittany."

"Shit, you should have told me," he said, wiping a bead of sweat from his brow.

"Let her in, Brik," Maz instructed as he came up behind her having finished parking the car. "And let her friend in too."

"Those two are gay," Kurt whispered in her ear. "My radar is never wrong. And look how close they are standing to each other."

"Oh!" Brittany grinned. "Is this a gay club?" she asked Brik, even though Kurt was making a slashing motion across his neck warning her not to say anything. "I've never been to a gay club before."
She frowned. "Actually I've never been to any kind of club before."

"Well then, you might as well introduce yourself to night life with the best," Brik told her. "And we do not exactly run a gay club although anyone with any sexual orientation is welcome. People are in to a lot of different things here."

Brittany tried to figure it out. "It's an… open club then? Where people are open to anything?"

"Something like that," Maz cut in with a small smile. "I'm open to many things."
He looked right at Kurt. "I'm open to either gender, and I'm in an open relationship. Now hurry up sweetheart you're blocking the entrance."

Kurt blushed bright red at the attention, and pulled Brittany inside, hurrying her past the flashing lights at the entrance. Realizing what he was doing, Brittany moved quicker, half closing her eyes. "Don't look at them, Britt," Kurt whispered to her. "I saw what happened to you last time."

"That time wasn't me having epilepsy. Or me practicing my hairography," Brittany whispered back. It was autism, she thought.

"Yeah, I know," Kurt said, and Brittany wondered if he could read her thoughts. "We'll go to the bar. You should be all right there. Finding Santana here is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack."

I shouldn't have let my needle get lost in a haystack, Brittany thought sadly, sitting down and looking at all the twisting and turning bodies around her. The air here was thick and smoky, and the beat was loud. The few words that Brittany could make out of the song were in another language, but Brittany couldn't place it. Not Spanish, she thought, ruling it out.

"Holy shit," Kurt swore, and Brittany followed his gaze to see what he was staring at.

Through an open door, she could just make out a guy shackling a half-naked girl to the wall.

"Well I guess that's the not-so-private couples area," Kurt said, raising an eyebrow.

"Is he hurting her," Brittany asked, alarmed. She stood up. "We should do something?"

Kurt watched the dark haired girl's head roll back in pleasure. "Well, no Britt, I'm pretty sure he's not 'hurting' her. Some people like that stuff."

Brittany squinted. "You're sure he's not hurting the girl? Scout's honor?"

"When did I tell you I was a boy scout? But, yes," Kurt confirmed.

Brittany shrugged and sat back down. "Well if you're really sure that nobody is getting hurt."

She squinted at the scene, and watched another guy suspend his girlfriend from the ceiling as if by some kind of dark magic, then pull out some metallic looking objects of odd shapes. Then, she watched as yet another guy did some kind of complicated rope knotting technique the whole way around a girl's naked body as if for decoration.

"I wonder what that's called," Kurt mused, then pulled out his cell. "Maybe if I look up 'rope bondage,'" he muttered.

"I'm so gonna beat you," Brittany said, turning it into a Google race. Seconds later she had it. "Oh, I've never won a Google race before. It's a Japanese bondage art called Kinbaku."

"Fascinating," Kurt whispered, going a little closer. "Come study it with me? We must do research."

"I can't go any closer, because everybody over there is naked," Brittany told him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Santana would get jealous."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "And you think she wears a blindfold when she comes here? If she can look so can you," he said, watching a nearby exchange of some suspicious looking substances
He dropped his head down. "Yes, this is all fascinating, but what am I doing here?" he moaned.

"We're here to see, Santana!" Brittany reminded him again brightly, watching Brik and Maz grind against each other near a woman in a cage. "I think Brik and Maz are kind of a nice couple. Look at how well their colorful hair looks side by side, they look like two gay parrots!"

"Shh, Britt listen," Kurt shushed her, "can you hear what I hear?"

"That egg-based liquor was so fucking disgusting! But we totally convinced some poor fucker to buy all of it anyway," a female voice said.

"Yeah, well actually after we mixed it with other stuff it actually wasn't all that bad," a male voice said back.

Santana! Brittany thought tuning into the conversation, whipping her head up and trying to follow the source of her voice.

"I'm taking a break, Spinner," Santana said to a guy with flaming dyed-red hair.

Brittany blinked. Everyone had awesome hair here. "Santana!" she called out. "Santana!"

Santana kept talking to Spinner, clearly not hearing her. "It's kind of slow here for once, and I be's going to flirts some rich saps out of their money."

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention, do you?

She scanned the crowd as if she was looking for a potential victim, looking everywhere but in Brittany's direction. A Coldplay song was playing, which seemed way out of step with the heavy metal which had been blasting, but Brittany figured the grumpy looking DJ must have a soft spot somewhere.

"Surprise!" Brittany said jumping directly in front of her.

Santana paled as if she had seen a ghost. "Brittany? Brittany. Britt. Where the fuck did you come from? How much did you hear? How long have you been here? How the hell did you even find me? Oh my god. Britt!"

She moved forward and hugged the blonde close, feeling her melt into the embrace happily, as if it had been all she ever wanted.

"I missed you so much!" Brittany told her, moving to kiss her.

Still in a daze, Santana let her, her lips already slightly parted. "You shouldn't be here," she said, shaking her head and looking around nervously. "This isn't your scene. Why are you wearing my dress? God, Britt you stick out here like a sore thumb, and don't even let me get started on Kurt."

"It's an 'open club' where I can totally kiss you," Brittany said happily. "It's the best scene ever."

Santana moved her face away. "No, you can't really kiss me here, Britt. This is bad for business. The people here don't really like to see me here with someone, they prefer to think of me as attainable. It makes money fall out of their wallet faster."

I know you don't listen to me.
'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?

"I don't really understand what you're talking about. What do you mean bad for business?" Brittany asked.

"Woah, ok," Kurt said stepping in. "Britt I'm gonna leave you to this one for a while, and go and get something to eat. I'll be around, just text me if you need me."

Brittany nodded and thanked him hugging him goodbye, then turned back to Santana.

"Please understand," Santana begged when he had walked a safe distance away. "It's just flirting."
Mostly, she thought, blocking out a few memories she didn't want to think of right now. "I just, dress up nice, make them drinks, dance a little and make them feel special and that buys me everything I need."

"Oh." Brittany nodded. Some things make sense now. "That's what all the clothes were for. I thought it was your new look."
She looked Santana up and down and touched the black mini dress she was wearing.

And on and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me.

"It kind of is, but it isn't," Santana muttered mysteriously. "I'm kind of glad you saw me toned down tonight. You should see me in my Barbarella costume on theme nights."

"Oh the space suit? I have a new friend named Danny. He would totally love it."

A new friend? A pervert guy friend? Santana's body almost shuddered. She hated it when Brittany reminded her that her life had gone on without her these past few years. She almost wished that Brittany could just stay exactly the way she left her. And what if this 'Danny' guy was trying to get with her? "Who the fuck is he anyway?" Santana grumbled.
"Britt, sit down I'll get you a drink. What do you want?"

"I don't know. Something that you like. Whatever he's had," she pointed to a guy slumped over beside her. "He obviously liked it."

Santana chuckled. "You wouldn't like what I drink these days, it would be too strong for you. And as for him, that's Eddi, he's been drinking up our whole supply of that freakin' egg based liquor I've been trying to get rid of for weeks, just cause tonight I mixed it with something a little bit more appealing."

"Drink responsibly, Eddi," Brittany told the guy, peering at him and putting her face down to his level where it was squished against the bar. "Why is your hair not pretty colors like everyone else here?" she asked him, getting no response.

Santana paused, not sure right now if she wanted to smile or cry. After a beat she decided that mixing drinks and keeping her hands busy seemed a better option than both.

"I'll make you something as colorful as Brik's hair. You'll like that," she said softly, trying to ignore the way Brittany was staring at her. "I'm not that interesting Britt," she told her.

"Yeah you are. You're good at that drink making stuff," Brittany told her watching Santana's hands expertly pouring and mixing.

I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Santana shrugged.

"This is your job now?" Brittany asked tentatively, unsure if Santana wanted to talk about it.

"Sort of," Santana agreed. "I don't exactly get paid for the bar tending, but I get… benefits. And I get to keep all my tips, and money is practically just thrown at me so I do all right."

"That's good," Brittany said catching the drink as it was slid across to her, and focusing on the part where Santana said 'I do all right.'
"What about all that stuff over there?" She pointed to the 'couples area.' "Do you do that stuff too?"

"A little bit so far," Santana frowned. "I've done the-" A sudden cheer from the crowd cut her off.

"What?" Brittany asked looking around to see what everyone was cheering for. Some guy with some interesting facial piercings was doing a show and swallowing up knives. Brittany's eyes goggled and she looked at his body, expecting to see knives sticking out of it. He must be a wizard, she thought.

"The cross. See that big thing over there with the restraints."

Brittany turned her attention where she was pointing. "It doesn't hurt right?" She pulled the hand Santana was pointing with down, and held it.

"Only in the way that I deserve," Santana mumbled. "When I'm high I kind of like it."

Brittany's insides suddenly felt too tight inside her body, and the room with all the noisy people in it felt too hot. She wanted to accept Santana's new life. She didn't want to be like all the other people that rejected her for the things she did, but by now she could tell when Santana was getting into something that wasn't good for her. It's not about what she's doing, Brittany thought. This stuff is new to me, but I think for a lot of people it could be good, and just another way that people have sex, or be sexy.

She studied Santana's face. It's just, this could be used in either a good or bad way, and I don't want her to use it be destructive and hate on herself, she realized feeling her stomach drop. Because I know she would totally do that.

Santana saw something in her face. "Britt don't-"

"Can I have one of those little umbrella things to go in my drink?" So much for being brave and trying to confront her, Brittany thought. Would she even listen to me anyway?

Santana blinked. "I don't think we have those Britt, but I'll put it down on our list of much needed supplies. I'm gonna have to leave you for a bit now, but in maybe an hour I can get off here and go home. Puck will drive us. You've got to let go of me now, Britt."

Brittany unwillingly agreed to let go of her hand, holding on to the last possible second and sliding her fingers down to clutch the tip of Santana's index finger before letting go.

Don't you Shiver?
Shiver.

"Why are people following us?" Brittany asked, seeing several cars tail their car, and some small dots in the distance that looked like a crowd of people following on foot. "Are they your friends?"

"A couple of them are I guess. Most I don't really know. Everyone just kind of hangs out at my place," Santana said, shrugging. "I swear half of them don't even have homes. I don't care. It's easier to find whoever owes me something when they're in the next room."

Brittany thought about how she'd had a hard enough time adjusting to her ex-roommate and four best friends being over all the time when she'd lived in shared accommodation. This massive crowd would be something else. Some were walking, and some were kind of staggering after their car, somehow getting closer. She peered out the window. The sight almost reminded her of one of those zombie movies where they just kept on coming no matter how fast the main characters sped through the streets. She shivered and addressed Santana. "Well, you never really liked being by yourself, I can understand you wanting lots of people around."

Santana shrugged again. "Yeah, I hate being left alone with my own thoughts. But, to tell you the truth, Britt, we may all be in the same space, but we're all kind of apart and doing our own thing anyway. You know what I mean, don't you?"

Brittany didn't. There's a lot of things im not understanding tonight, she thought, rubbing her arms for warmth.

Santana noticed. "You cold Britt? I'd give you my jacket if I had one," she told her, pulling at her mini dress "We're nearly there. You look a little out of it. How many drinks did you have?"

"Not as many as Eddi," Brittany told her sincerely, "but probably more than I should have had. You were kind of gone a long time."

"Well, excuse me for having a life," Santana snapped. "That place doesn't run itself. And I ran into a friend in the bathroom. She took some convincing to give me back what she owed me." She fingered the container in her purse.

Brittany turned away and looked out of the window. Santana softened and put her hand on the other girl's arm, rubbing it gently up and down until Brittany looked back at her and smiled.

I think the zombies beat us, Brittany thought. She could have sworn the people now standing at the front of the house had been the same ones staggering after the car just before. That's just how zombie movies go though, she reminded herself. Just when you think you've lost them, they show up and the freaky music swells with a bang. She punched her fist into her other hand.

Santana looked at her amused and got out of the car. "I have no idea what's going on in your head right now, Britt, but I hope you'll tell me later. I have to go make an appearance here."

"Santana…" Brittany reached out to stop her. "Wait…what's wrong?"
She had noticed that Santana had been off and kind of moody ever since she had got into the car. "Something is wrong. Was the girl who owed you something mean to you?"

"Nothing is wrong, Britt. I just took something, that's all. I always do it right when I leave the club so it kicks in by the time I get home. It's bugging me 'cause it sure is taking its sweet time to kick in tonight."

"But, what for?" Brittany said aloud, watching Santana's retreating back disappear inside. "I'm here. You never used to take anything when you were with me. Why?"

I'll always be waiting for you,
So you know how much I need you,
But you never even see me, do you?
And is this my final chance of getting you?

"I think I'm dying," a girl moaned, clutching hold of Brittany the minute she stepped inside.

"I think you've mistaken me for someone else," Brittany said, trying to pry the girl's arms from around her. She definitely didn't look like she was dying. Brittany wondered where the knife-eating-guy was. If anyone died tonight, my money would be on it being him, wizard or not, she thought to herself.

"Don't leave me," the girl said desperately.

"I don't even know your name!" Brittany said, staring at her face. She was pretty, with short blonde hair. She's probably only a little older than me, Brittany thought.

"That's Angel," a tall stick-thin guy said, walking by. "She's having a bad trip. Look after her for us for a while will you?"

Brittany nodded slowly and sat down. Angel immediately tried to cling to her and get as close as possible.

"You're not Santana," Brittany mumbled hating every minute of this and feeling a strong urge to push the girl away. "You're so close and I don't know you," she complained, wriggling away from the girl's arms but letting her keep her head in her lap.

"I'm scared," Angel said, starting to cry.

"Hey, hey it's okay," Brittany promised, resigning herself to having to take care of her. "What's a bad trip anyway. Did your car break down on the way here?"

"No, Brittany," Maz said, overhearing. "LSD. This is what a bad trip on LSD looks like."

Brittany gave him a blank look. The only thing words she could come up with for that acronym was livestock ducks. She wrinkled her forehead. The word did ring a bell, maybe Santana had talked about it once.

"Blotters," he confirmed. "You want one? I think I've got some artsy ones with Rocky Horror lips. You just put it on your tongue and let it dissolve. You'd go for a wild ride, 'cause you're already kind of kooky as it is."

"Santana was 'the lips' in our high school Rocky Horror production," Brittany told him.

"Say what?"

"Santana sung Science Fiction/Double Feature on stage. She was awesome."

"Santana sings?" Maz laughed. "She never told me."

"And dances," Brittany added, hugging Angel who was whining pitifully.

"Well, duh I know that. I see her dance every other night."

Brittany bit her lip. She wasn't completely sure if that kind of dancing was what Santana had always dreamed of.

Maz looked down at her and rolled his eyes. "Now do you want a blotter or not?"

Brittany shook her head. "Did Santana take one?" she asked, staring at the girl in her lap who was now trying to pull her own hair out.

Maz shook his head. "Not today. She doesn't like them all that much, they're more Angel here's thing."
He noticed Brittany wasn't looking at Angel. He followed her gaze and saw Santana, the lady of the house greeting all the guests with a hug and a kiss.
"She just takes an X so she can do that."

"Do what?" Brittany asked exasperated, trying to hold Angel's arms down so she couldn't pull out any more hair. "It's going to be okay," she promised her.

"So she can be nice!" Maz laughed. "That's what she told me. And right she is, she's a total Class A bitch without them."

"I can't see!" Angel cried. "I can't see anything. My eyes don't work."

Brittany struggled keeping up with both conversations. "Santana's not a bitch," she said to Maz, leveling him with a fierce glare. "Angel let me up, so I can teach him a lesson, I want to at least pinch him or something."

"Nooooo!" Angel shrieked.

"I didn't mean no harm, kid," Maz tried to sooth her. "Here, you go find Santana, I'll look after Angel for you. Is she your friend?"

"I guess she is now," Brittany agreed. "But we only met half an hour ago. I'll check on you later, Angel," she promised, before dashing up the stairs past some guy staring at his own hands, and trying to ignore another guy who was throwing up in one of Santana's trashcans.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

After her second try of circling the whole house, Brittany found Kurt.

"Britt!" he said grabbing at her. "This place is like circus, everyone is bouncing off the walls. Do you think it's like this every night?"

"Maybe. Probably." Brittany tried to make her face impassive..

"You're allowed to have feelings about this, Britt," Kurt told her.

"I just don't feel like I can talk to her when she's like this," Brittany muttered.

"We can stay til tomorrow," Kurt promised her. "Then we are so out of here. Hey, you know this is the first party where I've seen you actually manage to keep your clothes on?" he joked.

Brittany gave him a half smile. "I drank responsibly this time, I think. But now you mention it this dress has kind of been itchy and bothering me." She grinned at him and went to pull down the zipper.

"That wasn't an invitation Britt!"

"I was only kidding," she assured him. "I feel a little lightheaded but I still know what I'm doing right now. I still know that clothes are important."

"Yeah, well you're about the only one that thinks so here," Kurt said pointing to a scene. "Do you think that girl over there is 'with it' enough to know that there are five guys making out with her right now?"

"She seems kind of into it?" Brittany's voice rose up at the end in question.

"You're right," Kurt agreed, "and she's aware enough to be taking out her cell and taking a couple of selfies to decorate her Facebook. Look she's even doing the duckface."

"Santana's duck faces are better," Brittany mumbled. "She uses edible props, like a Pringles beak. But for some reason she won't let me put those photos on her Facebook."

"Yes, for some reason," Kurt echoed, wryly, turning away when one of the guys decided duckface girl should be blindfolded. He adjusted Brittany's clothes for her slightly, pulling the zipper tighter. "I am sincerely glad that girl over there isn't you," he mumbled to her.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because unlike her, you wouldn't like it, and I can easily see you getting taken advantage of if you lived here. All it would take is a few drinks and your natural dislike of clothes to show itself. You get kind of confused when you drink, and you might not even notice those vultures on you."

"The vultures in the jungle book were nice. They were Mowgli's friends."
Brittany did a few steps of the vulture dance. She had always liked it.

Kurt watched her. "Yeah, Britt I think you've just proved my point. You can't just think the best of people." He paused.

"Besides, Mowgli only hung out with the vulture crowd when he was already down and out on his luck, and feeling like he didn't have anyone else. Maybe this girl is feeling a bit desperate too." He watched the blindfolded girl feel around, dropping her hand lower when she misjudged what she was looking for.

Brittany crossed her arms. "Or maybe it's just what she likes."

"Look Britt, I'm just trying to be the voice of reason here. Santana is-"

"And I'm just trying to love my girl, no matter what she does," Brittany said back, interrupting him. "I have to accept her, no matter what. You always want to judge her."

"I don't judge her... that much. I just don't want you to get stuck in a bad situation here. And we've been through this before many times, Brittany. You can accept her without accepting what she does."

"Yeah," Brittany said slowly.

Kurt sighed. "Britt, some of the things I've seen tonight I think could still be part of a healthy lifestyle, others not so much. But I think that we both know that when it comes to Santana doing these things, this is her being self destructive. We both know that no matter how many times she says it's awesome, she doesn't always say what she means. You've got to learn that one Britt."

"People don't always say what they mean," Brittany repeated.

"Speak of the devil," Kurt interrupted her.

"Mmm, Britt," Santana said meeting her halfway on the stairs with a smile, and wrapping her arms around her. "Hey baby I've been looking for you. You look so gorgeous wearing my clothes, seriously you're turning me on so bad."

"Oh my god, Santana, you can barely stand. Lean against me," Brittany said surprised, pulling her close and taking the drink she was holding from her hands.

"I got you that drink. It's magic. I put fairy dust in it. That's why it's pink."

"You… did?" Brittany asked skeptically.

"No," Santana laughed. "But try it, you'll like it."

"Okay," Brittany agreed, sipping it slowly at first, and then faster when she realized how good it tasted. "You're right, this is magic."

When she was done, Santana tossed the drink to some guy behind them and moved two steps above her on the stairs so she was now taller. She put her arms around Brittany's neck, swaying them slowly, and every now and then she clutched at parts of her affectionately. "My beautiful, smart Brittany," she cooed in her ear, biting her in little places around her neck.

Brittany's head tipped back. "Santana," she whispered, smiling at her and getting lost in the moment.

"Don't you like me better this way?" Santana asked her, without giving an explanation as to what she meant.

Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Brittany heard her loud and clear. "No Santana I don't like you better on illegal substances," she whispered.
"I just really love you," she got out, as Santana began scratching up her arms lightly, trailing after them with kisses.

"Mmm… this is so perfect," Santana said decidedly, and started pulling on Brittany's clothes.

"Hey," Brittany said half-heartedly, "I worked really hard to keep these on. You don't want Kurt to be the only person here with clothes on, do you?"

Santana made a strange clicking sound with her tongue. "Fuck if I care about that," she laughed tangling her fingers freely through Brittany's hair.

Brittany gave in and started kissing her back, gently at first then harder, with more need.

Santana kept talking in between kisses. "You're never. Going home. Hell, you never go home anyway. You just go. To some stupid. Place in Lima. All the time. You should be with me. I love you."

"I love you too, Santana," Brittany said breathlessly, "I love you too."

Santana paused and went quiet. "I probably have to go to the bathroom," she announced.

"Probably?" Brittany questioned.

"It's hard to be sure," Santana said leaning against her. "Who knows?" she laughed.

"It's not calculus, San," Brittany laughed with her, then put her arm around Santana, half carrying her up the stairs. "I'll wait outside."

"Fuck no. Please come in? You've seen my body like a billion times anyway, you've probably memorized it"

Brittany shrugged. "Probably," she agreed giving nothing away. She grabbed at Santana again when she saw her stumble, and walked in with her.

"I'm fine," Santana told her, shaking herself free and fumbling around until she was hanging on to the wall, losing her balance a couple of times and regaining it as fast as she could.

Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

"San, hey, let me help you," Brittany offered. "The toilet is over there."

"I know my way around my own bathroom," Santana snapped. "It's just this stupid light. It moves every time. I swear to god I'm gonna call our fucking landlord and have him fix this thing. It's like I'm playing Puck's shooting games and trying to hit those goddamn moving targets."

"Santana the light is here," Brittany said.

"Well turn it off then. It's too bright."

"It's not on," Brittany said, confused. "We're practically in the dark The only light is coming in from another room."

"What?" Santana laughed, feeling it bubble out of her chest. "That's so funny."

"Yeah, it's a little funny," Brittany agreed.

"Very funny," Santana knelt down on the ground, laughing hysterically like she would never stop.

Brittany stared at her. "San, you're totally replaying something you saw on Family Guy in your head, right?"

Santana clutched at her stomach. "That's not that funny. This is funnier than that."

Shaking her head and wanting a reason for this moment to seem more normal, Brittany sat down beside her. "I'll tell you a joke, San?"
Then when you keep on laughing it will just feel like it's because of that, Brittany comforted herself, looking into her eyes. Santana's pupils were huge.

"Tell away!" Santana gasped out.

"I only know duck jokes," Brittany said. "Um. So this guy walks into a doctor's office with this big white duck on his head, and the doctor looks up and says 'yes, sir, can I help you?' and the duck says 'yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?'"

By this point, Santana couldn't speak, she could only wave her hand at Brittany as if to tell her to keep going.

"You want another one? Okay. Um. There were two ducks in the pond. One says 'quack!'"

"And then what happened?" Santana demanded.

"The other duck says 'oh my god! I was just about to say that!'"

"Hah!" Santana exclaimed and Brittany finally got into it, giggling with her.

"Wait, hang on Britt I got one, I got one," Santana said grabbing at Brittany and sliding herself closer. "It's a bit dirty can you handle that?"

"Santana, since when have your jokes been anything but dirty, and since when have you ever asked me if I could handle them."

"You're right," Santana wheezed. "You're right. Um, okay, I've been saving this one. There's these two ducks and they've just got married. They're waddling around the honeymoon suite of their hotel looking fucking disgusting in love and then they go to bed and start getting into it."

"Oooh!" Brittany squealed. "That is so romantic. Were the ducks cuddling?"

"Um yeah. But they wanted to fuck. So the wife duck says to the husband duck 'did you remember the condoms?' and the husband duck says he forgot. Men, right?" Santana rolled her eyes.

"Men," Brittany echoed.

"Yeah, so the wife duck tells him to call room service and see if they have any. So the husband duck calls and asks the operator to bring some straight up."

"Yeah?" Brittany was kneeling now, leaning so far over that she looked like she was going to face plant any second, gleefully anticipating the punch line.

"So the operator says 'shall I put them on your bill' and the husband duck replies 'no! I'll suffocate.'"

Brittany looked at her for a couple of seconds, and Santana stared back waiting for her to get it.

"Hahaha!" they howled at the same time, both bursting into another wave of fresh giggles. Santana fell backwards and found herself looking at the ceiling. "Laughing is fun, but I really have to pee," she said, trying to get back up again and failing.

"Hey, San, wait I'll help you," Brittany said lifting her to her feet.

"Not wearing much on these kind of nights is so much simpler," Santana told her as Brittany pulled her panties down.

Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

"I can imagine," Brittany told her, the heavy feeling in her heart returning. "Okay. Take three steps backwards. One. Two. Santana those are mouse steps! You're going to have to take like ten if you do it like that. Three. Woah, I didn't expect you to suddenly do the opposite and become a cheetah, that wasn't a step that was a super leap. Okay, now sit down and do your thing."

"I can't, I forget how," Santana muttered. "Britt, don't go anywhere. Don't move, stay there."

"I'm not going anywhere. But don't you want me to turn around?"

"Nope. I don't care. Just stay."

"Okay," Brittany said, then started humming a tune and making shapes with her hands when nothing happened for a couple of minutes.

"I seriously just forget how," Santana told her, her frustration plain.

Brittany got up. "I'll turn the water on," she told her.

"Thanks," Santana said gratefully.

"Is it working?" Brittany asked.

"Yep!" Santana started giggling again, but Brittany didn't join her.

"Santana, is your life like this every night," Brittany asked.

"No, on some nights I clear everyone out, and lock the door so I can study."

"Really?" Brittany asked.

"Yep," Santana said finishing, and then reaching out for Brittany who helped her get to the basin to wash her hands.

Before she could turn off the tap she started coughing, loud hacking coughs that shook her body.

Seeing the white porecelin become spotted with black marks before Santana could wash it away, Brittany panicked.

"Santana … oh my god what's wrong? You're coughing up black stuff? What is this? Should I call an ambulance?"

Santana kept coughing and Brittany looked on horrified, wondering if Santana's body was dying from the inside out and she was coughing up the remains. She rubbed Santana's back, feeling a hand latch onto her dress in response.

"I'm fine, Britt," Santana said when she was done. "Seriously. It's just tar."

Brittany wrinkled up her forehead. "What?"

"It gets in your lungs when you smoke pot. It's not even harmful. Well, not half as harmful as nicotine, because at least weed is natural. It's just a little gross sometimes."

Brittany looked unconvinced.

"Stop looking at me like you think I'm a loser," Santana said in between a few final coughs.

"I'm not," Brittany insisted. "You're the only one calling yourself that. It's just, you're scaring me a bit. You've been scaring me all night," she confessed.

"Brittany I just told you that pot doesn't hurt me. And if you're talking about X, well, it's not like I actually need it. I can stop anytime, and I do when I can't get my hands on some, or when I have to go to classes. I just take it when I need a break from being myself. Everyone has their something, this is just mine."

"You never used to need drugs to be with me, Santana," Brittany said, near tears. "When you visit me, you leave all this stuff behind."

"And I still don't need them to be with you!" Santana said, adamantly. "Aren't you listening to me? I've had this night planned all week. It's not my fault you showed up in my life unannounced. If I'd known you were coming I might have done things differently. But, guess what, I didn't, so you got a taste of my world. It's not my fault that you don't fit into it!"

Brittany's tears fell now, and she didn't bother to wipe them away.

Santana covered her mouth. "Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"Yeah you did," Brittany said softly. "I'm gonna go to bed now. That is, if I can find a place without people in it to lie down. Good night."

"Britt, wait."

Brittany shook her head. "No, Santana not this time. See you tomorrow."

She didn't look back to see Santana's face, because she knew that if she did she wouldn't be able to walk away. I've never usually me who walks away from her, she thought. She's always been the one who walks away from me. She paused. I think this feels worse.

Santana trailed her hands up and down the wall, and then fell back and leaned against it. "You're right, I did mean it," she said to the empty room. "You don't fit into my life anymore, Britt. But that's kind of a compliment." She lowered her head.

Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

The next morning, Brittany was awakened by the sound of Santana throwing up in the bathroom adjacent to the room she had chosen to sleep in.

She uncurled herself from her ball-like sleeping position, and struggled out from under a blanket, holding it briefly and wondering who had given it to her, and tucked her in during the night. She kind of hoped it had been Santana.

Barefoot, she padded to the bathroom in search of her, trying not to trip on any bodies that were randomly blocking the way. They aren't zombies, she thought, reminding herself to be extra careful not to step on any fingers. They are still alive, just sleeping, or maybe passed out.

Santana only had to hear her footsteps to know who it was. "I'm sorry," she said to her, still bent over the toilet. "Don't go. Please."

Brittany said nothing but found she wasn't angry with her, just sad. She stopped still and made an effort to quit the nervous shuffling of her feet so Santana knew she wasn't going to walk out.

"You're never coming back here are you?" Santana said miserably when she was done. She flushed the toilet. "You must think I'm a total loser. I don't blame you. I didn't even take you anywhere nice."

"I promised you years ago now that I'd never leave you," Brittany told her, sitting down close to her and rubbing her back. "And I don't make promises to losers."

If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

Santana tried to smile, but ended up groaning and putting a hand to her head.

"You have a headache?" Brittany asked, brushing Santana's hair from her face, gathering the rest of it behind her back. She tried to cheer her up. "You know, I'm not even worried about not seeing that much of the city, 'cause you have a really nice bathroom," she told her. "I really like the fishy shower curtain."

"I bought that for you," Santana told her. "I knew you'd like it. And, for some reason we always end up in the bathroom together."

"Oh, yeah, but not always to pee, sometimes it's about taking baths together, and vaginas," Brittany reminded her.

"Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot," Santana teased her.

"Yeah," Brittany tried to smile back, but Santana couldn't help but notice it didn't meet her eyes.

"I swear to god it's not like this all the time," Santana said, leaning back slightly. "I keep my grades up and all that shit, and I'm not one of those no-hopers sitting in the gutter who has spent their last dollar on a high. I don't even pay for it most of the time."

"You get it from people at that club?"

"Yeah, and I don't even care when I can't get any. I can stop. Just like that. I don't have a problem."

She bent back over the toilet as a second wave of nausea hit her. Brittany found her hand and squeezed it.

"The room is spinning," Santana whispered, letting Brittany guide her head down into her lap. "It's not usually like this. Usually I can just wake up and take a walk."

For a moment they rested together, and Brittany found a rhythm combing her fingers through Santana's hair, occasionally pausing to rub her thumb over her forehead when Santana closed her eyes.

"I just take that stuff when I want to be myself," Santana whispered, pressing her forehead closer to Brittany's stomach. "It takes away whatever fucks with my head and screws things up. It makes me nice, and kind and loving. When I take them I even want to be with Puck. The drug keeps me in sight."

Brittany's hand stilled. "Santana last night… that wasn't you. If I thought it was, then maybe I'd be more okay with this, but that wasn't really you."

"Okay, maybe you're right. But it's who I want to be," Santana told her desperately.

There was a silence. Santana anxiously picked at a scab on her finger before Brittany finally pulled her hands away.

Remember when you did ballet with me, San? she asked randomly, feeling the other girl intertwine their hands together and then use them to cover her own eyes.

"Ugh yeah, I'd nearly blocked that one out. That was torture. You know, when it came to stuff I actually wanted to do, my mom usually took me to one class or lesson, but then forgot to ever take me back. Why did ballet have to be the one thing that stuck?"

Brittany smirked at her. "San, you big liar, I know you loved it, and it was actually my mom that took both of us for a little while, remember? She took you and even paid for you 'cause I wouldn't go by myself 'cause the other kids were being mean to me."

"Oh yeah. I set them straight."

"You totally did," Brittany agreed. "You remember that one recital when we left our line and started doing our own made-up dance to Swan Lake?"

"Yeah, I think I knocked out someone's tooth that tried to stop us."

"Yep, and then you kept it and gave it to me and I totally managed to fool the tooth fairy into paying up for a stolen tooth, and we split the money around the corner like criminals."

Santana smiled and squeezed their hands together.

Brittany paused. "That was you Santana. That's was you, barely four feet tall, in a little black tutu doing your own thing, protecting who you cared about, and not letting anyone stand in your way."

Santana looked up at her. "I was pretty mean."

"You were honest," Brittany chuckled, "to them, and to yourself. And yeah, every now and then you were mean, but they all did kind of suck."

"Yeah, they kind of did," Santana agreed, then paused. "You know, I actually liked myself back then," she said, remembering. "It was before everyone left."

"And before the wrong people came to fill the empty space," Brittany added. The space I couldn't fill all of, Brittany thought.

"Yeah, before all that. Britt the people you met last night aren't like Tomas and Ben, and those people of the past, they are pretty good to me, most of the time."

"Okay," Brittany said nodding at her. "That's good."

Santana looked at her. "You know I wasn't sure in the old days how much you actually understood out of what I was telling you, about the things I did, about the people I was seeing. You know, with the 'wrong' people."

"Enough to understand that you were hurting," Brittany said softly. "But not much more. Things are a little bit clearer now."

"Is everything clear enough in your head for you to tell me how everything got so fucked up, and why?" Santana asked her, "because I wish I knew."

Brittany's tone was gentle. "I don't know. But I'll work on it, maybe I'll write some things down, and if I figure out any answers then I'll let you know."

"You could visit me again, and we could sit under the fishy shower curtain some more, and we could talk about the past 'til things are clearer in your head and we find out more answers. We could do it 'til we run out of talking, and answers," Santana said hopefully.

"We will," Brittany assured her. "But what I already do know now is that you don't need to be on X to be somebody. You've always been somebody to me. And you're somebody I will always come back to, I promise," she said kissing her forehead one last time.

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart.

More things:

1. My songs were 'Shiver' – Coldplay and later 'The Promise' – Tracy Chapman. Santana's song was 'Loser' – Beck.
I actually could tie a couple of little things in this chapter to the Glee episode "Lights Out" which was nice.

2. In the beginning we met (Miss) Lorraine, Kat, and the phenomenon that is Danny B. Watson. I introduced them here, but their main role is in the next chapter.
I wasn't really going to include them, because it's not Brittana, but I guess it's important that we see what Brittany did on her own, and I pretty much covered what Santana had been doing on her own in this chapter.

3. Brittany met some of Santana's new friends, all with colorful hair and alias's like Freak, Scorch, Destruction, Misery and Sinner. They all talked about Santana like she had some kind of power of them, and several of them knew who I was before I introduced myself. Santana herself used an alias that sounded very much like Snix. If I had chosen my own alias it would have been Peanut Allergy or The Human Brain. Just kidding. I should have gone with Nightmare Moon, like the evil My Little Pony.

4. Those people were into more unconventional sexual practices like BDSM, and while I never wanted to join in personally, I don't see that different kind of eroticism as a bad thing. But like anything, it can be used correctly, or abused, and my Santana abused it. You either enjoy that kind of thing, or it's not for you, and Santana never enjoyed any of it, she was more about getting people to hurt her to be self destructive.
Both Kurt and I knew right away that she would do that, and sure enough she did. I did see a couple of things go on that I just can't write about here.

5. There was also a lot of drug use surrounding that place, which was probably the reason I ended up seeing some crazy messed up things.
I think I was in denial about the seriousness of Santana's own drug use. For her, it was marijuana to help her relax, ecstasy to be the life of the party, and ADD medication to keep up with her presentations and midterms, and a lot of alcohol in between.
She didn't think that she was much good without all that. And she must have told me a million times that she could stop anytime so it didn't matter.
But, when she would come and visit me, there would be absolutely no sign of those substances, she would drop them just like that and not even seem to miss them.
Coming into her world 'down the rabbit hole' changed that.

Thanks for listening, and I do hope to have the next one up really soon.