captncay - I'm so glad that this story helped you to better understand your nephew's creativity! That's a great thing, and I bet he has a lot of potential :)
ChaosRocket - I never took Season 4 that seriously to be honest! I enjoyed some of it, and there were some good moments, but it felt kind of forgettable, and different to the other seasons. I'll keep watching, even if just to catch sight of Lord Tubbington (I hope his contract hasn't run out :p) but I think some things in that show could have been done better. I mean, Brittany a math genius? I'm down with her being kind of a savant (I've been called that too), but I think they could have improved on the writing for that scene.
hlnwst - Haha I would love a nickname from you! I would treasure it :)
I guess I don't want to dream too much about publishing (this story) because without Santana's permission I can't. It would be only when/if she could handle it, and when she's ready. And if she never became ready then I'd have to be ok with that because her feelings are more important.
Also I should probably take a writing class, lol. This story taught me how to write, but I'm sure I have a lot to learn still. Every time I look back at earlier chapters (mostly from 1-10), I realize that I can now write things better than what's on the page, so I often go back and reword a paragraph or two.
Oh! And this chapter here talks a bit more about Brittany's psychology interest, but I probably shouldn't say any more and give away the ending :p
Anyway, thank you so much as always for treating me like a real writer :) When I talk to you I really feel like one ;p
castlewalls7 - Thank you for sharing your memories :) It was great to read which parts you related to, and hear your personal stories. I'm sorry about the difficult things in life you've had to face, and I am glad you came out stronger. Thank you for reading.
broken-timemachine - I love that you pointed that out, that though time passed and physical distance grew, Santana and Brittany still had that strong root of love that kind of anchored them to each other so they could come together time and time again. I really hope it's always like that. Thank you for reading :)
Miara848- Firstly, I hope you found your cat! I've been sending positive thoughts to you all week, I wish I could have sent out a search party, like the twilight bark in 101 Dalmatians, only with cats. About my mom and Santana – their relationship is kind of a sad story. My mom's disapproval never let up, it just got worse the more she saw Santana do over the years. The only really bad fights I've ever had with my mom have pretty much all come out of me defending Santana, because some comments my mom makes about her just give me rage blackouts.
And, as for story-ception, now you mention it, I think I might actually do that, that's a really good idea! :) I won't mention fanfiction though, I think I might just have Brittany write her novel and post it online chapter by chapter. Doing that will explain a lot, so thank you for the idea :)
And awesome songs! I'll definitely add those to my soundtrack, and I hope you enjoyed the story's birthday pie! I can't I've been at this an entire year now, but when it's over I will miss you a lot too! You've been a good friend to me, and you'll be my missing rainbow colored stripey toesock cause we all know how adorable they are :) *big hugs to you*
- The Mother Of All Unicorns (sorry, I had to sign it like that :p)
Puff614 – I'm glad that college is less crazy! I've been writing all the chapters hugging my unicorn pillow pet, lol.
You have a wonderful ability for empathy, and being able to walk in other people's shoes. Like you said, it really was lonely for Brittany, having nothing in common with that crowd of people except for Santana, yet trying to fit in. It doesn't fit anywhere in the story, but Brittany actually did learn the hard way to listen more to Kurt. She thought Santana's friends could all be trusted, because anyone connected to Santana had to be just as safe as being with her right? Wrong.
A couple of people there were dangerous, and there were a few incidents where they tried to hurt her, and luckily Kurt was there to save her every time.
After that when he said things like "See those people over there, you need to avoid them" she listened to him and stayed far away. He could see signs of danger that she couldn't (and still can't) see very well. I know that if not for him, something bad could have easily have happened to Brittany.
To the guest who asked "Why do you use Brittany and Santana as aliases for the two main characters in this story"
I guess the answer is that having it be part of 'Brittana' gave me a platform to share this with other people, to an audience I already felt comfortable with, because I thought that people who like Brittana, might also like similar people like her and me. I didn't really know what I was doing when I started, and I had never written anything before, unless you count some somewhat creative diary entries. Doing it this way was just an idea that I ran with, and I feel like it was more or less a successful experiment. I really did try to align the characters as much as I could and keep then 'in character,' but then again I could understand how it might be kind of off, as I never actually compromised my story at any point for characterization. Maybe under different circumstances I would have written this as its own novel, but without any writing experience, and without "Santana's" permission (which makes the Brittana disguise great) I did it like this, and hoped for the best.
And thank you to the guest that told me I'm doing ok with my characterizations :) I do try really hard with that, so really, thank you!
I think I answered most of the questions but I've now run out of time and space for any more so I'll just say a general thank you! :)
I was really happy to see the interest in Danny, Lorraine and Kat. :) This chapter is for Danny and it covers the most important moment in our friendship. This chapter may not appeal to everyone, but i wrote it as a response to questions i receive all the time so i think it still fits. The next chapter will be back to focusing on Santana. Just to note: 'Astra' is Danny's imaginary friend.
No warnings needed this time.
Chapter 24 - Child Within My Heart
Brittany S. Pierce, present
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
― C.S. Lewis
Brittany S. Pierce Age, 20 – 21.
"How old are you?" Danny asked curiously, staring anywhere but at Brittany's face.
"I'm twenty years old, Danny, I told you that," Brittany said patiently.
He shook his head. "No, how old are you in your head? On the inside?"
Brittany wrinkled up her nose. "I'm not sure. I think some parts of me are older than others. Maybe my brain has declared mutiny and has decided to make all the different pieces of my personality grow at different rates. I mean, one minute I'm coloring in things with crayons and the next I'm presenting a speech about the validity of a psychological experiment in class."
"Well, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters so long as you aren't hurting anybody, and as long as your intentions are good," he said, his ever-present mantra.
"I'm twenty in on the outside, but on the inside, I'm only ten," he told her.
Brittany's face grew serious. "I really try to be twenty. My girlfriend's age on the inside and the outside is twenty. I've always tried to keep up with her."
"Yeah, so how come you're –" he broke off. "Well, I asked Astra the other day why you seem older than me, and how that's even possible when we left our planet at the same time. I mean I know that twenty years ago we came to earth, and we began in our bodies here. But, somehow you're still older than me," he stressed.
That's kind of like asking me how I'm more 'high-functioning' than you, Brittany realized, using Lorraine's term for it, and spending a few moments debating the question.
I think you were just born with a lot more of this disorder in you than I was, she told him in her head. You started a few pages back from where I did, and you've had it harder than me. It's so easy to see myself in you, because when I notice the similarities between us, on you they look more extreme. It's like looking into one of those fun house mirrors that exaggerates everything.
She stared at him, watching him twist his hands together in front of his body. It was only a little thing, but somehow it was hard for her to watch.
Sometimes it's hard to even look at you because I know that while the mirror image is distorted, we're still a reflection of each other, she thought.
It's not your fault that I feel like sometimes I don't want to be around you, it's just that I don't always want anything to do with that part of me that you represent. Other times, I'm just drawn to you like you have a missing piece of me that I have to get back.
"Maybe my soul is just older than yours," Brittany offered finally, speaking out loud, and breaking out of her chain of thoughts.
Nodding, he accepted this. "Astra is also an older soul," he told her.
Brittany immediately wanted to change the subject to prevent another hour-long Astra-rant. She knew that deep down he didn't really believe Astra was real, but she guessed that he had a lot of good reasons to pretend that he did. Maybe he needed 'her.'
If not for Santana, I might be still be relying on imaginary friends too, mused Brittany, knowing it was true.
Danny smiled at her, trying not to scratch at a wound on his arm that was slowly beginning to scab over. Much of his skin's surface was covered with some kind of scratch or bruising, and Brittany had been trying to ignore them, knowing he hated to talk about it when he got hurt.
But he's hurt worse than usual this time, Brittany thought worriedly.
She made it another ten minutes before she couldn't keep silent any longer.
"What happened to your arms and legs? What are all the bruises from?" she asked, all in a rush. Some of the ones on his arm kind of looked like handprints and finger marks. Now that she was seeing the shapes of hands, she couldn't get the image of people handling him roughly out of her mind.
"Some are from bullies, some are from the cops," he said shortly.
Brittany was alarmed. "The cops? What did you do?"
"Nothing." He fixed her with a sullen glare.
"Okay, let me say it differently, what were you doing right before the cops grabbed you."
"I was just hanging out with my new friend at the playground. Her name is Mollie and she's eight. Her mom told the cops that I was doing something wrong, but we were just playing tag together. They grabbed me and they tackled me down, right when I was chasing her behind a tree. I was gonna win, too, 'cause that tree wasn't gonna stop me catching her."
He pouted as he remembered the moment. "Her mom was pointing at me like she was crazy, and I didn't know why. Haven't they heard of tag?"
Brittany's heart sank. "Danny you just can't do stuff like that," she told him.
"I wasn't doing anything wrong," he insisted. "She's my friend. We like a bunch of all the same things. On the inside we're pretty close in age!"
"I know that. But to those cops you were just a creeper who wanted to hurt her. Adults can't be on the same level as kids, no matter how young they are on the inside. There's a barrier between us and them because we're considered responsible, and they aren't. You have to know Mollie's family first, and you have to ask before you play with her. That's the rules."
"I would never hurt Mollie," he said, starting to rock on his chair. "I had nothing but good intentions. It took forever for the cops to realize that too, and to let me go. Why couldn't they just see it?"
He twisted his hands faster and started blinking rapidly.
"I know, I know," Brittany said realizing that she had gone too far and needed to try and calm him down.
She made her voice gentle. "I get where you're coming from. I get along better with kids than with a lot of people my age too. It sucks when people our age outgrow us right? I get it, but Mollie's mom and all the parents at the playground aren't right there in your head. They don't know that you had only good intentions, they only saw how it looked to them."
He gave her a blank look.
Brittany nodded at him understandingly. "Yeah, trust me, it took me forever to figure out how to think from someone else's perspective, but you just have to learn to do it. You've got a good imagination, so pretend you're Mollie's mom, looking back at you. Imagine her purse in your hand, the feel of the beads on her arm, and the smell of her perfume. But, most of all imagine her protective instincts towards her daughter. Be her, looking at you. What do you see?"
Brittany held her breath in anticipation, waiting for him to answer.
He squinted for a moment, screwing up his face. "I see Danny B. Watson, son of Jamie J. Watson, a very nice boy who thinks Winx Club is cool like Mollie does. I see a boy who wants to be Mollie's very best friend and go to her house and have a sleepover with her and play with Bruno, her dog."
Brittany sighed, having run out of ways to try and explain it. "You have to talk to her mom about that first," she told him. "Get to know her mom, and um… don't mention any sleepovers, okay?"
"I've never had a sleepover," he grumbled.
"I can show you what one is like," Brittany offered.
He brightened instantly, flapping his arms, and then wincing when he hit one of his bruises on the back of his chair.
Brittany winced along with him, unable to look away. "I'm sorry the police were so rough with you," she sympathized.
"They weren't so bad, these are mostly from some guys who live a couple of blocks from me," he muttered. "They see me walking home sometimes, and then they just jump me. I like to pretend that I'm in a spaceship drifting through space, so when the hits come they can't really hurt me."
He pulled up his shirt and Brittany gasped when she saw the worst of the damage. "They hate me, but I just feel sorry for them," he told her.
"You… do?" Brittany asked, incredulously, having immediately decided that she strongly disliked this gang of bullies, and that was a first because she liked everyone. Well, except maybe Simon Cowell and Freddy Krueger, she amended.
"Yeah. I feel sorry for them because I'm a nice guy, and they're missing out on getting to be my friend. And, I feel sorry for them because they're angry and violent, and that's sad. Sometimes I go out of my way and run into them deliberately because I know that sooner or later they're gonna get my message."
"What's your message," Brittany asked. She kind of knew what he would say, but she wanted to hear it again.
"To spread kindness," he told her, bouncing up and down slightly. "That's what my spirit guide, Astra, guides me to do. She helps me to show other people how to be kinder, and she helps me encourage innocence and tolerance, and to destroy all the cruelty of this planet."
"Well, you're a better person than me, Danny. You're a good guy," Brittany told him, humbled by the caring view he was able to take on a group of thugs that had recently pounded their fists into his chest. I'd be imagining dropping pianos on their heads, she thought darkly. Or worse.
"I know I'm a good guy," he said proudly.
"And, I wish I had your self esteem, You don't care that you're different. You know it, but you just accept it, and even take pride in it. I've never been able to do that. What's your secret?"
He shrugged. "I just believe in myself. That's how I know I'm gonna teach those bullies how to be kind if I just try hard enough. Until the universe evolves by itself, I have to cure all the mean people."
Brittany's head fell into her hands, and a million thoughts raced through her mind. You believe in yourself to the point where it's gonna get you hurt, she worried. You're a unicorn, but the kind that's too pure to survive in a world full of regular people. I admire you, but you frustrate me at the same time. I want to hate you like I sometimes hate myself, but I can't. I'm so confused.
From Brittany
To Santana
Subject: Childhood wishes
So who is visiting who next time? Cause I already can't wait. And in case it's my turn to have you here I totally bought an enormous fountain with dolphins in it for my bathroom to compete with your fishy shower curtain.
I feel like we're on a reality show called bathroom wars or something. :p
I've been hanging out with Danny a lot lately. He reminds me of me when I was younger, you know, back when my head was kind of on another planet. :p
I think you'd like him. You liked me back then anyway, in spite of how I used to kind of be an alien.
He said this thing the other day about how he wants people to be more like crayons, cause they're all different colors and they can be different sizes, some even with funny names, but yet they all manage to live in the same box.
It's funny, I thought I said that myself once.
He's got me remembering about a lot of things from the past, so I started to think about childhood wishes.
These were most of yours right? Did I miss any?
1. Meet Ricky Martin
2. Become Bugs Bunny
3. Make it all the way to the tree when jumping off the swingset in the park.
4. Become a millionaire on our favorite virtual pet site.
5. Own the entire series of Sweet Valley High books.
6. Climb onto the roof of our principal's office.
7. Go to Disneyland and get Captain Hook's autograph.
8. Beat up 99 boys, and one really mean girl.
…You know I'd write a list of my own, but I think my only real wish was to be more like you.
I love you,
Brittany
Santana opened the email and started chuckling to herself. She's pretty much dead on, she thought, reading the list.
"Ricky Martin, you were supposed to be my slave, and backup singer and dancer," she said with a grin, picturing her old room full of Ricky posters. "And I ate carrots for months trying to become more like Bugs Bunny."
She skimmed the rest of the list then hovered over the reply button, pausing. "You only missed one, Britt," she said softly to the screen.
"I wanted to grow up and marry you."
"I'm gonna walk you home today, Danny," Brittany offered when everyone else had packed up and left Lorraine's weekly session.
I'm glad we never try to make up stupid excuses about why we're still here talking to each other after the rest of the group has left, Brittany thought. Making up excuses is such a waste of time. I'd rather just always say that I like talking to someone, and then order them to stand there some more so we can talk longer.
She grinned at that thought, and then turned her attention back to the issue at hand, which was all about getting Danny home safely without him losing an eye or a tooth.
Danny had come to group today wearing a brightly colored woman's pink shirt, stretched a little too tight to fit him. The front had a female superhero, and the back had a rainbow. Brittany liked the shirt, and his guts for wearing it, but she doubted that he would get home in one piece. During their chats he had taken the time to list just how many people that had in the past managed to put their fists in his face when he did anything a little bit different.
She contemplated out loud what might happen if they ran into the bullies together. "The mean boys won't bother me because they like my boobs," she told him.
"Most boy bullies don't bully girls because they have boobs. But, other girls will bully you more if you have more boobs than them. Or sometimes, girls bully girls and it's not even about boobs at all. It's so confusing."
Brittany almost missed slushie facials. At least they never knocked out anybody's teeth, she thought.
Leaving campus, they walked side by side for a few blocks, occasionally stopping to point out the wildlife and pick flowers.
It wasn't long before Brittany heard footsteps behind them.
Somebody, or more likely a group of people were walking a little too close to them for her comfort. She tensed, practically feeling their hot angry breath on her neck. She turned her head ever so slightly to see them, and within seconds an impression was made. These guys were big, with a dark shadow of inner rage that she guessed followed them wherever they went. Their darkness frightened her.
She shivered.
"Hey Hot Stuff, what are you doing with this loser?"
Brittany ignored them, and instead turned back to the boy beside her. "Is that them?" she asked.
"Yeah," Danny said. "Last time I saw them I was wearing a dress. It was cuter than pants so I wore it."
He walked up to them.
"Danny, get back here," Brittany hissed, but he ignored her and approached them with shaky steps.
"Nice shirt," they jeered. "Are you gay? Where's your little dress?"
"There's nothing wrong with being gay," he told them. "I'm not gay, but I hate intolerance of any kind. Being gay is harmless. People should be free to like who they like."
Brittany shot him a little smile. The boy was brave.
One of the thugs got closer, getting in his face, and clenching his fists.
And maybe a little stupid, Brittany thought, breathing hard wondering if they could fight them together if they had to. Danny is so small, well, he is for a guy, anyway. She wondered if he knew how to defend himself.
I've watched Santana fight lots of times, she reminded herself. I can just do that.
Danny stopped and stiffened as if he was waiting for the blows to come, preparing himself to take each hit as it came. He didn't look like he was going to fight back at all.
Yeah, I should have known that he wouldn't be into violence, Brittany realized. She clenched and unclenched her fists and exhaled in frustration.
I don't think I could hit anyone either, she admitted to herself, stepping between them instead.
"If he's a loser, then I'm a loser too," she said truthfully, pushing the taller and probably the most brainless spiky-haired thug away.
"Step aside, Babe," the shorter one said, clearly trying to be a gentleman and failing spectacularly. "We'll take care of this one for you. He's bothering you, isn't he? Little prick."
Brittany felt like she was in that old movie My Fair Lady. She felt like the street girl, Eliza, after that old rich guy had given her lessons on blending in. When Eliza went back onto the street after learning how to be a lady, she found that because people treated her differently, she didn't fit in there anymore. These thugs couldn't see she was different, because right now she blended in, and she didn't stand out as much as Danny did. It was almost unsettling to her.
"No, I'm with him," she told them over the top of Danny's rant to the gang about love and tolerance, seeing he was completely unaware that he was already a second away from getting himself pounded. "And, he's straight. I'm the bi-corn".
She paused. "Oh, and we're from the same planet," she said as an afterthought, not even caring about what their reaction would be. She took hold of Danny's shirt, and pulled him away quickly, breaking into a run.
The brainless thugs began a halfhearted chase. She wasn't sure if they were confused by her zig-zagging escape path and didn't know where to go, or if maybe they didn't want to catch them anyway because they weren't about to hit a girl.
Who knows, she thought panting, climbing a fence and gesturing for Danny to follow. She wanted as much distance between them and those guys as possible.
After a few blocks she figured they had lost them, and she dragged Danny over and sat at the curb. She needed to think, and she figured that by the way he was shaking, he really needed to calm down and rest.
"Danny," she moaned finally, "I can't be here all the time. Those guys are big and stupid, and they're gonna hurt you. You've got to stop provoking them."
"Provoking them?" Instantly, he was enraged, and started shaking harder. "I did nothing wrong! All I did was stand up for myself and for what I believe in. I wasn't hurting anybody. They were! They were the ones who did wrong! I wish no harm to anybody, not even to them! Tell me, what did I do that was so wrong?"
Brittany tried to stay calm and not lose it with him. "I know. I know and I'm sorry. Provoking might have been the wrong word."
"I'm starting to think we have a lot of different opinions, Brittany. You don't seem to agree with me on a lot of things. Like, how I think that more people should be in relationships with more than one person, because spreading more love is better. Everyone can be fair and just love each other equally and fairly, and then there would be no problems. Do you really think that three or maybe even four people can't all love each other in harmony?"
"We're getting off track now Danny, but I think it's possible, but maybe it's not a realistic situation for many people."
Brittany struggled to keep her voice steady and in control. He was striking a nerve.
She tried again. "Relationships are more complex than you think, and society is set up in a certain way for a reason. I am very aware than you can love more than one person at a time, but most people are in twos because adding more people gets complicated, and the majority-"
"There you go, talking about the majority again. I'm sick of the majority. I'm against being like the majority because their rules get me hurt."
He held up his broken arm and waved his other arm with all its angry looking bruises in her face. "All the majority of people seem to have is ill intent towards me. We need to go against them and be different. I really thought that you were different!"
"I am!" Brittany roared, finally losing it, her cheeks coloring as she lost her control. She took a step forward and he immediately took a step back. "I am different! And so are you! And that's just it, the two of us together do not make up the majority. We live in a world where people will find us strange, or weird, and they will either get past it and maybe even like us for it, or hate us for being what we are. You tell me all the time that 'this is not our world' and well, you're kind of right! We have to be prepared for people reacting badly to us, and be ready to protect ourselves. That's just the way it has to be."
He looked at her, his expression blank and unreadable.
Brittany tried to calm down. "You're thinking that the majority of people are unkind and cruel like those bullies, but that's not true, it's just that sometimes the cruelest people can be the loudest, and we have to be ready for that. It's only because the bad kinds of people have been the main kinds to approach you all the time, that you think that everyone in the world is like them."
"We need to convert them all," Danny told her. "We need to make them accept us. We need to stop them being cruel."
"No, those are the people we need to avoid. They aren't everyone, but there are still too many of them. You're a guy who likes dresses and pink shirts with hearts and rainbows, and I'm a girl crazy enough to think that Filipino is a color, and that blondes are born with magical powers, like doing the splits or turning Swedish. We are both easy targets to attract the wrong kind of attention, and we can't just ignore that, we have to protect ourselves," she repeated. "Your safety comes before your crusade to 'cure people of evil.'"
"You did put your head to the ground the other day to check if a stampede was coming," Danny commented. "Even I thought that was weird."
"Well, you just never know," Brittany said with a little smile. "I got worried. And hey, you're obsessed with touching the loose wobbly skin on people's chins. That's weird, and I swear that I'm a huge disappointment to you for not having any wibbly-wobbly going on there myself."
"Yeah, ok, you got me there," Danny agreed. "I am weird for doing that. But still, some things that make me different are innocent and positive. Things like listening to Astra's guidance, liking Winx Club, and wearing pink and dresses, those are all cute or nice things to do that should make other people happy. Maybe if we just show the mean people a little kindness-"
"Danny, I see your point, and I really admire you for it, but being kind to other people doesn't fix everything. Some people have so much hate inside them that you will die trying to get through to them. Those people that were about to pound your face in today, they won't change, at least not this way."
"Yeah they will," he insisted.
"I'm sorry, but they won't! They might never change," Brittany said, raising her voice angrily. "They are not going to appreciate your attempts at hugging them, or your rants about magical fairies, so save it for someone who actually deserves it, or you're just gonna get your other arm broken! Lets face it, with the looks of those guys you might even end up dead!"
"Then that's the risk I'll take," he said decidedly. "I'm gonna bring about change one way or the other. If they break my other arm, then so be it. If I die, then so be it."
His tone was dramatic, and Brittany could see that right now he was in all his prince 'star voyager' glory, shooting through space without a net.
"It's my body, and if I want to sacrifice it, then that's my choice."
"You know, once upon a time I used to feel like that too," Brittany told him, deflating, her rage falling away.
"You were willing to die for the greater good of mankind?" he asked.
She blinked at him. "No, but I used to not be able to see how me being hurt affected others."
"What does that have to do with anything," he said confused.
"Well, when people hurt me, no matter what it was, whether it was a slushie facial, or being pushed over, or having mean words said behind my back or to to my face, I used to think that it shouldn't matter because I could handle it. I thought it was just my body that they were abusing, and it was my feelings they were hurting, so I thought that made it only my problem."
"Yeah, it's our business," Danny said, "and just like you, I can handle it."
"No, it wasn't just my business or my feelings or even just my body that they were hurting, because I'd look over at her, and her heart would be breaking. She'd give me this look like she was guilty for not being able to stop it, and there was a lot in her face that I couldn't read, but I just remember her looking so, so, sad."
"Santana?" Danny asked. He knew all about her by now.
"Yeah," Brittany said softly. "When people care about you, it's no longer just about you, you know? Maybe you can take the hits, but they can't stand to see someone they love get hurt. Sometimes, when someone really loves us, what they feel inside for us when they see us getting hurt, is worse than even the pain that we're feeling ourselves."
She paused, clicking her tongue and clearing her throat.
"That's why I started pretending to be normal, and why I agreed to join the Cheerios and put up with Quinn and Puck and all the people that hated me for most of high school. I did it because getting in on that crowd helped her protect me, and more than anything she needed to at least feel like we were winning. She had other reasons to want us to sit up with the popular kids, but maybe the biggest one was always to keep me safe."
Danny's eyes darted all over the place like he wasn't sure what to think of all this information. "I have a right to be myself! I have an obligation to myself to be true to who I am!" he finally spluttered out.
"You also have an obligation to yourself to give yourself new opportunities and open up all the roads in life that you can open," Brittany countered.
"For me, 'pretending to be normal' isn't just about staying safe anymore, it's now become about surviving classes in college. A lot of my grades depend on teamwork, and I've been working with not exactly cruel, but still difficult people. And, trust me, they don't want to hear about my cat or share my candy. I can't be myself all the time, or we wouldn't be able to get our presentations done. And then we'd all fail those classes, and not failing classes is very important."
"Well, I don't go to college here anymore. It was too hard," he told her. "I just still see Lorraine."
Brittany shrugged. "Well, maybe one day if you wanted to you could try again, and you could pick up where you left off."
"I'm a star voyager. I'm here to spread my message and I can't do that while pretending to be normal. Danny B. Watson is a star voyager."
Brittany lowered her shoulders. "Maybe Danny B Watson is a star voyager, but he owes it to himself to learn to find out what other people that he can also be. You never know, maybe pretending to be normal might actually help you to make the right connections to spread your message better, or it might land you your first job, or it could help you get more independent so you can travel to fun places like to the Space Centre alone, even if no-one wants to go with you."
He cocked his head on one side like he was listening, and encouraged, Brittany continued.
"Different 'faces' take us different places, Danny," Brittany told him. "You can't force people to like you, or listen to you, but you can learn to present yourself in a way that will help people understand you better. People are having bad reactions to you because you keep walking up to just anyone, and you announce loudly that they should wear more pink, and honestly you sound a little rude yourself when you tell them over and over that they need to say nicer things."
"I'm just trying to help. I just want the world to be nicer."
"Yeah, I know, but not everyone is as cute as you, and that is their right to be that way. Maybe if you got to know people first instead of just demanding they be nice, then you could help them."
"Do you pretend to be normal?" he asked slowly. "Is that kind of why your soul seems older than mine?"
"It's not really 'older' it's just that I've learned to act different. I know you want to talk about Astra all the time, just like I wish I could talk about cats all day, but turns out that if you do that, you miss out on hearing great stories from other people. When I was at school I had to force myself to always sit at my desk instead of under it, even when I really wanted some space, but I'm glad I did because that made me learn better. When I realized that people weren't listening to what I was saying because my voice was too quiet and robot-like, I stood in front of the mirror for hours at a time reading old Dr Seuss books and trying to get my voice to go up and down the regular way, and guess what? People listen to me more now. You've just gotta keep trying."
"I like Oh, the places you'll go, by Dr Seuss," Danny said. "It's my favorite."
"Focus Danny," Brittany begged. "The main part of what I'm saying is that you're wasting your time seeking out cruel people and getting beat up. There are lots of more positive things you could be doing. Right now, you're only hurting yourself and the people that love you."
"But, I don't have a Santana who gets upset when I'm hurt," Danny pointed out.
"You have your mom," Brittany said, remembering the sweet and kind older woman that tried her best to give him a ride to and from the clinic when she wasn't working her two jobs. She knew that Mrs Watson supported everything Danny did, no matter how weird it seemed, and she also knew that she was the reason he had such good self esteem.
"How do you think your mom would feel if she got a call from the hospital to say you were in the emergency room, or worse? Think of it from your mom's point of view."
"Ohhh," Danny breathed out slowly and started clicking his tongue back and forth while he thought.
Brittany's eyes widened. I think he actually got it that time. She saw the understanding flash up to his eyes, then watched his face change into an expression of defiance like it always did. He was a stubborn guy.
"I'm still right though. I've still got a right to be myself," he repeated. "I shouldn't have to back down to anyone. If I want to wear pink dresses and paint my nails, then I should be able to do that without it hurting anybody."
"I know, Danny, I know, but this is about figuring out the time and place. You can wear whatever you like around me, and around your family, and your friends, and in any place where you're safe from getting hurt. But right now you're seeking out all the wrong people. Just pick your battles better, ok? You aren't going to convert those bullies into all accepting happy meadow frolicking unicorns no matter what you do."
Brittany paused. "With people like that you have to learn to be like a lizard. Kind of like one of those chameleon things. You don't have to change who you are, you just have to learn to fool the people who don't get you to stay safe."
"Like the Pokemon, Ditto?"
"Um, probably," Brittany agreed, having no idea what he was talking about.
"It's not fair," Danny grumbled. "Why is everyone so mean?"
"It's not that bad," Brittany assured him, "and I swear to you, not everyone is mean. There are a lot of good people out there, and I call them unicorns. Unicorns are open-minded. They would like this shirt."
She pointed at him, tracing the rainbow design in the air. "Maybe someday we'll both be somewhere where unicorns aren't so rare, but for now we're here," she said softly.
They exchanged a stressed glanced, and then they both twisted their hands at the same time. Seeing the shared body language, they laughed, feeling the tension between them ease.
"You're a unicorn," Danny told her shyly.
"No, I'm not," Brittany sighed, "because I'm missing the part where I'm supposed to like myself. I think the only person in the world that I've never just accepted is me. To be a unicorn you need independence, confidence, and total acceptance of your own individuality. I've had that smart sounding definition written in my diary since before Santana and I even kissed."
Danny's face twisted into a frown, and for a moment he held his hand in the air like he wished he could reach out to her.
"But you know, Danny I really like you," Brittany said slowly.
He gave her a blank look.
Brittany realized she'd have to explain it. There was a time where she hadn't known what to think of having those words said to her too. She gave him reasons, ticking them off on her fingers. "I like your belief in people, and I like how you want to make the world a better place. I like that you have strong opinions, and that you're fair, and that you have a great sense of right and wrong."
Having run out of fingers she started on her other hand. "And, I like that you know everything about space. I like that you're forgiving and kind and innocent."
And, in a way I kind of miss the days when I was more in touch with the side of me that is like him, Brittany thought.
"Thanks, Britt. But, don't forget that for better or for worse, we're both from the same planet."
"So we are. You're right. The good and the bad parts," Brittany repeated slowly. "We're both from the same planet."
Her voice trailed off and her eyes misted over.
"I know it seems bad sometimes," he agreed. "But don't forget that there are good parts of being a star voyager. All those nice things you just told me about me, you don't realize it, but you are those things too. You always talk like the only good thing about you is the parts of you that have made similar to Santana over the years. What about the rest?"
Brittany looked at him properly, then looked at their reflection in the glass panel door.
"You know, I'm not supposed to like you," she told him honestly. "If you're kind of like my reflection, then why do I like you so much? I've never met anyone like me before, and I thought if I ever did I'd kind of hate them."
"Maybe that's been the problem," he agreed. "You needed to recognize yourself in another person to truly see yourself properly."
"I've been so afraid of seeing myself properly," Brittany admitted. "I used to even squint my eyes before I looked into any mirror because I thought that if I could do that then I wouldn't see the half of me that I don't like."
"Well, you're looking at that half of you now," Danny interrupted her, facing her square on. "What do you think?"
Brittany's eyes dropped, then slowly wandered upwards as he tilted her chin up. "I think you have a really important place in the world Danny," she told him. "I look at you, and I think the world needs you."
Patiently he watched her collect her thoughts. He imagined her fighting through cobwebs and dusting off new ideas from a previously unexplored side of her mind. Finally she spoke.
"Danny, if you have a place in the world, then I must have one too, right? I've never really been sure if that were true."
"You've never been sure?" Danny asked, frowning.
"When I was with Santana I felt like I did, but on my own I wasn't sure," she told him. "I didn't know who 'Brittany' was without her, and for a long time I didn't even want to know, because I was afraid of what I might find."
Brittany laughed a short laugh. "I guess I thought I was sharing Santana's place."
"You have your own," he confirmed gently. "You're supposed to be here, as exactly the person that you are."
"I thought that I was kind of wrong," Brittany told him, voicing her fear out loud for what felt like the first time. "But, if I like you as much as I do, then I can't very well hate myself then anymore can I?"
Brittany gave another short laugh which turned into a sob as tears began to fall down her cheeks.
He reached out and took her hand, and she squeezed it back wanting comfort, feeling things that she knew he could understand.
"That's the first time I've ever done that," he admitted, lifting their joined hands and gesturing to them.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he confirmed proudly.
"Oh, the places you'll go," Brittany quoted smiling a watery smile back at him when his face lit up in a megawatt grin.
Overcome with a sudden sense of wanting to make changes in her life and to be strong, Brittany drew in a breath as she realized what had always been missing from both her and Santana's lives.
It simply hadn't been enough to want to be better people for each other, to have carried each other for over a decade through life, depending on the other to feel self worth.
She could see now, that there was power in wanting to do things for herself because she thought she was worth something, not just because another person saw her that way.
"Oh the places we'll go," she amended softly, a minute later, seeing herself in the glass again as if for the first time.
From Brittany
To Santana
Subject: Mission accomplished
Hey Santana,
I've been working hard on achieving all the items on your list so all your childhood wishes can come true! Firstly, I found our old accounts on that virtual pet site and I made you a millionaire. Getting points now is so much easier than when we were kids.
And, you should be receiving a package soon containing exactly 50 Sweet Valley High books 'cause that's a start right?
I don't know why Ricky isn't responding to my tweets, but I'm pretty sure he'll come to his senses soon, and I got you a Bugs Bunny hat.
I love you more than ever, and I have so much to tell you.
Britt
"What are all these tests for again, Miss Lorraine?"
"For the last time, it's just Lorraine, Brittany. And they vary, but many of those tests that I just gave you were to test your executive functioning."
Brittany nodded enthusiastically. "Right! That's a loaded term for all the mental processing brain stuff that I'm supposed to suck at right? I read about it in my books on autism."
"You've really been reading those?" Lorraine asked, smiling at her.
"Yeah. I really have. Cover to cover."
"Good girl," Lorraine said. "I'm glad you're not running from this anymore."
"I'm not," Brittany assured her. "I think I'm tired of running, because if people don't face what they're running from they never get anywhere. They never move past it to get to the next stage. And, I think I want to see what's next."
She paused.
"So did I label any of my faces right this time? Was that still part of the executive producer tests? Because, you hold up pictures of faces and ask me what the expressions are every week."
"You've now mastered the simple expressions. The complex ones need work. See these faces," Lorraine held up a few cards, "these emotions are called shame and guilt, and this one is called pride and this one is called admiration."
She flipped through them again, frowning as if she couldn't find what she wanted. "I'll get you a few more examples of the same expressions because I can tell you're still having trouble."
"Thank you," Brittany said gratefully.
"You're welcome. Oh, hang on, in the simple emotions section you have labelled a fearful face as an angry face again. I just missed it."
Brittany swore under her breath. "I just can't tell the difference! I swear those paper people all have rage."
"That's okay. You've improved a lot since the first time we did this. Now, moving on. Your multitasking ability and your switching between tasks proficiency is- "
"Disastrous!" Brittany interrupted.
"Well, you said it," Lorraine laughed. "'Shifting gears' or trying to do two things at once is not for you. Think of your mind like it has cashiers ringing up items at a checkout. You can only put one thing through at a time. But, there are things we can do to get around that and make the most of what you've got. Just don't ever get a summer job trying to work in fast food ok? Taking multiple orders at once would pretty much explode your brain," she said using one of Brittany's common phrases.
Brittany sighed.
"But that memory of yours is great! You need to develop that and use it as a strength," Lorraine said, trying to cheer her up.
"You didn't even have to look back at your notes from our last class, yet I've already heard you reciting parts of my speeches word for word back to your classmates."
And, in my accent, Lorraine thought to herself with amusement.
"I liked what you said," Brittany said simply. "I can always remember things that I like. But when I tried memorizing the instructions to the washing machine it just didn't happen. I couldn't even remember what the buttons were for. I don't like washing machines."
"Stick with what you like then," Lorraine advised. "If something can catch your focus, then you will succeed at it."
"Can I get a job using my knowledge of cats and dinosaurs?"
"Well, yes," Lorraine agreed. "It's remotely possible, but such jobs are hard to find. What about psychology, do you like it?"
Brittany thought for a moment then nodded her head. "Yeah I do. People have always been the most interesting, but the most confusing things in the world to me. I like studying them and answering all my own questions. Plus, I want to help kids who went through the same things as me."
"Good, good," Lorraine said. "You're in the right place then. And lastly, tell me what I've told you to do if someone tells you something that doesn't make sense?"
"Write it down, and then turn the words into a diagram or a picture," Brittany recited, nodding her head.
"Because I think in pictures," she added.
"Yes, you're one of the ones that really does think that way," Lorraine agreed sitting back down at her desk while Brittany went around cleaning up the room, setting the chairs up for her next class, humming over the sound of scraping metal when it made contact with the floor.
"You know, you did very well, Brittany," Lorraine said, calling her over while shuffling some files on her table.
Brittany moved to stand next to her. She looked over her tests again.
"Yeah I did okay," she agreed, but then she noticed that Lorraine wasn't looking at the tests, she almost seemed to be staring at nothing.
Lorraine put her hand on her shoulder. "Danny hasn't gone near any street gangs in weeks. It really looks like he's thinking through the consequences of his actions more. His mom called me yesterday to tell me how grateful she is that he hasn't lost any more teeth or broken any new bones. She feels like she doesn't have to worry about him as much, and it's a tremendous load off her shoulders. That was exactly what I wanted you to do, and I somehow knew that you could."
Brittany pictured the sweet older woman. "I'm glad Mrs Watson is feeling better."
"She hasn't been well in quite some time," Lorraine said sadly, "but with less stress in her life then perhaps that will change."
"Maybe I'll tell her that Danny helped me too," Brittany said nodding, "and that she can be real proud of him. He's the reason that I wanted to take the full range of tests today like you've been asking me to."
"Yeah?" Lorraine asked her looking up. "He helped you? Oh, can you file these for me as well."
Brittany took them from her and went over to the filing cabinet. "He made me realize that having autism isn't so bad. It kind of sucks a whole lot, but at the same time it makes us do some other pretty awesome things."
Hearing the word 'us' said so openly, the therapist paused mid-way through ticking a box on her paper. "I'm glad, Brittany. I really hoped that you would come to see that."
"I like Danny B. Watson and I kind of like Brittany S. Pierce now too," Brittany said. "That's progress, right?"
"Definitely," Lorraine agreed, her face splitting into a smile that showed all her teeth. "You're done here, now. Go and see the sunshine and reward yourself with a cupcake or something."
"I will… Lorraine!" Brittany called back almost skipping out the room.
"Oh, and Brittany?" Lorraine asked, smiling about the fact that she'd finally dropped the 'Mrs.'
Brittany skidded to a stop.
"You know how we were talking about you confronting this, and moving on to the next stage, of whatever that is for you?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I think you'll go far."
3 Things
1. Danny and I kind of had the same problem; we both needed to meet another person on the spectrum, and to learn from them.
I love him a lot, and our friendship isn't always easy, but it is worth it. Right now he's just come out of 'hibernation.' Sometimes he shuts himself in and won't talk to anybody.
He has now moved to the internet to send out his message of spreading love and kindness.
Instead of hanging around local bullies, he now visits internet forums looking for anger and hate, and he tries to change the original poster's way of thinking.
Some of the main things he defends are homosexuality, autism, adults liking cartoons, and unusual hobbies. He hates bullying and will get on any targeted person's side just about, so long as the target has not done something harmful.
I can see that doing this is very, very important to him, so I try to support him on it, even though sometimes it looks like he is wasting his time and stressing himself out constantly battling internet 'trolls.'
I try to remember that even though the 'trolls' are probably not going to listen, it is the internet and there will still be other people reading his posts, and perhaps they will benefit more from his messages.
Besides, mean people on the internet can't beat him up and land him in the ER, so that is a definite positive!
2. He did help me make a giant leap towards liking myself. It's only on off-days that I don't now, and when that happens I'm much more aware of it and I'll usually talk about it.
He set the 'child within my heart' free because when I met him, I did to an extent try to stop forcing myself to be older… not that it was even working.
And to a different extent, he also kind of stopped forcing himself to stay younger, realizing that growing up didn't have to mean all loss of innocence.
3. Lorraine did tell me that I'd 'go far' and it was such a kind thing to say, and meant so much coming from her.
Oh, and I really did try to fulfill some of Santana's childhood wishes. Several of them were kind of easy to do!
The next chapter, will be a really hard one to write, and it may take me some time but i'll get there.
And, I wrote an essay to try and explain some more things that I've been getting asked in pm's, and at the same time it kind of summarizes the story so far. I'll put it here.
On Pretending to Be Normal – By Philosoraptor S. Pierce.
I get a lot of questions asking how I can now express myself so well in writing, and pass myself off as not-so different from other people.
If the answer (or my best attempt at an answer) to this interests you, then read on, if not then feel free to skip this section.
I guess I'll start by pointing out that I'm not the first autistic person to have discovered how to write about my experiences, nor am I the best at it.
There is a British author named Luke Christopher Jackson who wrote a book called Freaks, Geeks and Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 13(!) and just from reading the preview I can tell he leaves me in the dust.
But all the same, my story and own personal growth is something to be proud of too.
I thought I would go through the chapters chronicling "Brittany's" milestones, laying it out for you as a recap of that character's road of finding acceptance, independence and understanding of the world.
Part 1:
Age – 7-8 (Chapter 2 +3) - Brittany began to get an understanding of very basic obvious emotions, for example, crying equals sad, smiling equals happy. Most people achieve this as young toddlers.
She made friends with Santana, and learned to play with her instead of always being alone by herself.
Age 9-10 (Chapter 4) – Brittany began to be able to deal with affectionate touch, and was able to use affectionate touch to comfort Santana. Again, even toddlers can do this.
Age 13 (Chapter 5) – Brittany gained independence by tearing up all her behavior charts, because they weren't working anyway.
Age 14 (Chapter 7) – She managed to get a basic understanding of sexual behaviors through examples of animals mating, and was able to understand the difference between physical sex and emotional sex.
She was able to see a physical expression of pain on Santana's face.
She developed an interest in people through reading hundreds of Sweet Valley High books.
Age 15 (Chapter 8) – Brittany first had sexual feelings (towards Santana). She allowed Santana access to previously unexplored parts of her body.
She found out what being gay meant.
She began to try and communicate her feelings using 'other people's words' from movies and songs.
Age 15 (Chapter 9) - Brittany was first able to communicate feelings for Santana using her own words.
She spent the night with Santana in an intimate position.
She was able to read a complicated emotion (self hatred) on Santana's face, and was able to understand that Santana was pretending to be happy with other people that hurt her, but was genuinely happy with Brittany.
Part 2:
Age 16 (Chapter 10) – Brittany was first able to stay in control during a meltdown, and cry without losing herself to her emotions.
She said 'I love you' to Santana (but was uncertain if she knew the true meaning).
She tried to show a vulnerable emotion to a group of people in song (but failed).
Age 16 (Chapter 11) - She began to try and connect with her own body.
She had her first kiss with Santana.
Age 16 (Chapter 13) – She was able to recognize that Santana needed her, and to respond better than she had before to be there for her.
Age 16 (Chapter 14) - Brittany finally began to bond with someone other than Santana (Kurt, and also Rachel and Tina to an extent).
She also stood up to Santana for the first time and told her not to bully Rachel.
Age 16 (Chapter 15) - Brittany tries to share her feelings about Santana to a group of people in song, but fails at picking a serious enough song to get her message across.
She later acknowledges that seeing feelings is hard for her. After getting some advice she realizes that she will have to try twice as hard as other people all her life to make sure she can see how other people feel.
Age 16 (Chapter 16) - She began to understand how important finding her own independence is, for both personal reasons, and for her relationship with Santana.
She realizes that being completely dependent on someone is like being a pet, and she doesn't want that for her life.
She also sets her sister 'free' and says that no matter what her mom says, Katie will not have to look after her (Brittany) for all their lives.
Age 17 (Chapter 17)- Brittany starts to have sex for the first time with Santana, but Santana breaks down during, and they don't finish.
Brittany is able to understand that Santana has been hurt by other people, and that she is struggling to see sex as a good thing and needs some good experiences, and she therefore tries to get them in situations that will give her some good experiences.
Brittany then shows independence by taking Santana off an anti-depressant drug that was making her feel like a zombie.
She goes against Santana's idea of making out with people in front of guys, because she thinks that this idea will only make more bad sexual experiences for her, and plus she feels their relationship should only be about two people.
Brittany finally decides that even though she doesn't understand the complicated feeling of 'love,' that doesn't mean she can't feel it.
With relief, she gives into the feeling, and stops trying to analyze it.
Part 3:
Age 17 (Chapter 18) - Brittany tries to cope in her own way, when she is left alone in the house while her mom and sister are away (but fails miserably and ends up dehydrated).
She acknowledges that her fantasy life is just that – fantasy, and that she knows she gets lost in her head sometimes, but wants to keep a grip on reality too.
She tells her Granny about how much Santana does to make her happy, and that she wishes that Santana could allow herself to feel more emotions during their time together instead of holding them back.
Age 17 (Chapter 19) - Brittany is able to care for Santana after Santana has a boob job. They both discuss 'running away from themselves' and for the first time, Brittany recognizes, and vaguely communicates the fact that she has a disability and how it makes her vulnerable.
Brittany and Santana have sex, and when Santana says it doesn't mean anything, Brittany was able to see through her.
Age 17 (Chapter 20) - Brittany realizes how much of her life revolves around Santana, and is helped to see that she has no personal goals of her own.
She tries to think of a career she might be suited to, so she doesn't become a burden on anyone. She realizes that to achieve grades high enough to go to college, she needs to pull herself together and work harder, and stop obsessing about Santana.
She studies obsessively; pulling her grades up, and was finally successful in singing a song to communicate her feelings for Santana in front of a group.
And finally, she admits out loud that she has Asperger's Syndrome.
Age 18 (Chapter 21) - When Santana asks Brittany to 'run away' with her to another state, Brittany is torn, but when she learns that it's intended to be a relationship for three (including Puck), she feels she deserves more than being Santana's 2nd, so she asserts her rights and says no, and says that she wants it only to be the two of them.
Santana tells her in not so many words that she wants that too, and that she hopes that one day she will come back to her (Brittany) and they will be together.
Brittany realizes that they both need to grow up in the meantime for that to happen.
Age 18-19 (Chapter 22) - Brittany's hard work at school pays off and she is offered a place at a respected university.
She struggles without Santana, and finds it hard to stand on her own feet.
Eventually she breaks down, but then when she sees Santana is struggling just as much as she is with the separation too, she snaps out of it realizing that she needs to be the strong one this time and just keep going.
She vows to try even harder.
Age 20 (Chapter 23)- Brittany continues to try and get her degree, and after only just-passing a midterm, she is told that she needs to work the her communication and draw less pictures, and state her answers more clearly.
She becomes involved with an autistic self help group as a volunteer helper, and as a result begins to read up on her syndrome.
She meets a boy who represents the person she once was, and an older woman who represents the person she wants to be.
She and Santana agree to confront the past and discuss how things came to be until they find the answers they are looking for.
And so on.
If I could make a list of the top four things which helped me most, in no particular order I would choose:
1. Support. No matter who you are, if you provide acceptance and understanding to someone with autism then you're already doing a great thing.
I was lucky enough to have Santana, who motivated me and taught me so much of what I know. And, then I had other people who also came along on the way, like Kurt, Artie, Lorraine and Danny. My mom didn't always know how to handle me, but she did the best she could and that means a lot too.
2. Persistence. So much of what I managed to achieve in the end was just about trying the same things over and over until they worked. And example is touch, Santana and I just kept trying it often until I got used to it.
It was the same with expressing myself, I just kept practicing it until my words started to make more sense to other people. Even as I write this story, I will write the same chapter (or parts of it) several times if it doesn't make sense, and feelings are not explained well. I probably make it look easy, but it isn't at all.
3. Awareness. Things changed for me when I learned more about my disorder and got in contact with other people who struggle with the same thing who could give me some advice. Knowledge is power.
4. Self-acceptance. I didn't have that until this chapter, but when I got it, it made a world of difference. When I was younger, sometimes having persistence was hard because I felt I wasn't worth it, or didn't deserve it. On the same note, it was harder for me to accept support, and because I refused to acknowledge my disorder I knew very little about it.
Accepting myself as the person that I am, gave me a fight I'd never had before.
In the past I only tried hard for Santana, to make her happy.
Being a unicorn, is about wanting to do things all for yourself.
Unicorn - a state of being, characterized by independence, confidence, and total acceptance of your own individuality.
At the same time, I don't mean to say I'm cured, I'm just 'better than I was before.'
Maybe these days in short bursts, I can pass for normal, but, to be honest, it's just 'pretending.'
I still say what I mean, but I now know how to present it in such a way so that other people can understand me better.
I also have learned ways to compensate for the slower parts of my brain, and ways to make the most of the faster parts.
But when I get tired or sad I revert back to my old ways.
I will end with a message from a unicorn, who knows me very well, and can tell you what it is like to know me personally:
We have just come off a bad night… the technical (medical or whatever ) term is a meltdown… she had little sleep… and I haven't had any… right now, as I'm writing this, she is in a bad place in her head… a place where she hates herself and I can do little to nothing about it… I don't know if today is kind of what she wanted me to talk about here… the worst of her alien side… the one that she tries to not show everyone else… not even me at the beginning… I feel kind of useless and I thought that at this moment I could at least write what she asked me to forever ago and I haven't had the guts to do…
When I first met her our communications were kind of like you read here… she was articulated, coherent, chipper (even when some sad thing came up)… we had a couple of big talks… but it wasn't until something hard stricken in her life that she came close to me… that weekend was one of the most emotionally exhausting of my life, I haven't cried so hard and so much in a long time all because it was hard to see and to think of her in a place so dark that it didn't let her light shine…
In that moment she let go of everything she does to try to sound "normal" to us… she let go of the control she had over herself and she let me saw what was inside of her… hurting so bad that it had stolen her physical strength, her smile and even her voice…
She was convinced I was going to leave her… because other people have left… over and over she asked me not to go but at the same time that she gave me every liberty to leave… she still does that… I know now that many of those recurrent thoughts come from the disorder… same with the ones about she not deserving stuff and people, and her hating herself from time to time… it still was difficult to fully understand what was happening… because I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to respond… but as hard as it was for me I can only imagine how terrifying was for her to trust someone new with all this, if I would have rejected her it would have hurt her deeper than any of us can even imagine…
In that moment I couldn't appreciate exactly how much trouble she goes to sound "normal" and I didn't even see her meltdown that time… I actually only got to be there after and during a period of grief…
It wasn't until the months after that I truly saw how much she works to write her story… how emotionally exhausting it actually is… how much effort she goes to address you, to answer what you ask her truthfully and meaningfully, all because she values what each and all of you think, and she wants to show how much it means to her that there are people listening and that are there for her…
I don't think she does it to sound normal or cured… it's not that she is hiding anything… she is just trying her best to meet what the world has told her to be the norm… the standard… and that is hard… in her day to day life it's exhausting and overwhelming… and it takes an unbelievable amount of strength that I don't think many people have on them…
I'm proud of her each and every day… but not because of how well she "pretends to be normal" but because of that strength, because on how she takes on the world and the people on it who make it very difficult for someone to be unique… and also because she had the courage to trust me enough to let me get to know her this way, and to trust me to write what I believe it's a description of her that falls short… I'm proud of her because she thinks is unfair for other autistic people that someone could believe she is "cured"…
The disorder accounts for many things that I have learn to see over the months… like how she draws parallels between many things in her life, like how she process feelings… she once told me I'm teaching her something… I honestly couldn't tell you if that's true or not… but I have actually learned a lot from her… and it is not how to treat autistic people… but how to show feelings, how to be there for someone, how to trust a person, how important friendship and love is…
I think she kind of believes that people love her despite her autism traits… but I don't think that… because when I see her I see a highly intelligent person, a caring human being, a brave girl and a courageous person who is willing to tackle her past to learn something, no matter how difficult it is… I don't know many "normal" people who would do that…
She is never going to be 'normal', she is never going to be ordinary… But why would you want to contain the ocean in a cup, the sky in a frame… Ordinary is so boring when you know that she was born for greatness, she was born to be extraordinary…
At least that's how I see her…