Spider-man was pacing on the wall of a building while Red Hood was perched on the terrace watching the abandoned building across the street. Spider-man had been telling the Red Hood about his patrol. But he then brought up the kids and said he wanted to work out a way to feed them.
"You can't feed everybody in Gotham," Hood said and looked over his shoulder. Spider-man stopped pacing and stared at him. "The population is too large and the needy make up the majority of it. In this line of work, I know how tempting it is to want to help everyone but it isn't possible. Stick to trying to keep them safe."
Spider-man groaned. "I can't just ignore the fact that a child was about to rob a grocery store over something as simple as milk."
"And from what you told me, you made sure she took some home," Hood said, turning back to look across the street. "So let's say you buy them a gallon of milk this weekend. And more bread. And spaghetti and meatballs while you're at it. Then you meet another kid with the same issues. Because you will. So you add that kid's needs to your grocery list. By the end of the month, you'll have more kids on that list than you can handle. And then you'll need to rob a bank just to feed them all."
"I wouldn't do that," Spider-man said with a scoff. "And it was just one family."
Hood stood up and turned to look at Spider-man.
"It was one today," Hood said. He pointed at the ground as he spoke to give emphasis to his words. "And that's the point. You're not going to do them any favors by providing them meals if you're going to have to stop eventually."
"There's gotta be something I can do for them!"
"Keep your voice down," Hood said and looked across the street again. He saw nothing. "There is. You can call social services. They'll make a house call and—"
"No! All they'll do is take the kids away from their family. And who knows, they might end up somewhere worse. I can't do that to them."
"Then make a house call when the father is home and refer him to a charity," Hood said with a shrug.
"A charity? Don't you think he's already reached out for help and was turned down?"
"You would think that, wouldn't you?" Hood walked closer to Spider-man. "But most men don't reach out for help. They think it's their responsibility to provide for their family. Even if you tell them about a charity, they'll be so offended they'll curse you out. People in Gotham would rather resort to a life of crime than ask for a handout."
"Then why would you tell me to do that?"
"Because you need to hear the hard facts. Maybe then you'll understand that you can't help everyone," Hood said, crossing his hands over his chest. "Especially people who don't want help. But those kids still have a chance to learn that reaching out for help isn't a bad thing. Call social services. Tell them what you saw. I'll make certain that if they do get separated from their family, they'll end up in a good home."
"How are you going to do that?"
"You're not going to like my answer."
"Ugh, you're going to contact Oracle, aren't you?"
Hood simply inclined his head.
"There's movement," Spider-man said, jumping off the wall. He did a flip and landed in a crouch.
The two inched closer to the ledge and saw the Joker step out of a delivery van. He walked into the building followed by three men dressed as clowns. Each clown was carrying a couple of large boxes. The Joker said something and cackled. The clowns laughed too but it was half-hearted. They were straining to keep the heavy boxes in their arms.
"I wonder what's in those boxes," Spider-man said curiously.
"I really hope it isn't supplies to make a huge ass dirty bomb," Hood said, sounding irritated. He stood up and pulled out his grapple gun.
Spider-man grabbed his arm. "Let me go take a closer look. My webs are quieter than your grapple gun. And I can get into the building without being seen."
"So can I."
"Yeah, but can you crawl on walls? On the ceiling?" Spider-man said with a teasing lilt eyeing him up and down. Hood's large form and muscled body couldn't do what he could. "Crawl through a vent without getting stuck or crashing onto the floor because it can't take your weight?" Hood simply stared at him. "Yeah, I didn't think so. Let me scope the place out and come back to tell you what I see. After that, you wanna go in guns blazing, I'll follow your lead."
"You have five minutes."
"I'll only need three," Spider-man said and shot out a web.
Three minutes later, Hood called Robin for back-up, just in case. He was worried. No one had come out of the warehouse and Spider-man was still inside. It took Robin five minutes to arrive and Spider-Man still hadn't come back out.
"What's going on? You were super vague over comms," Robin said as he walked up to the Red Hood. The other man was staring at the building across the street with an intensity that put Robin on edge. "Hood?"
"I'm going to kill the clown. Are you with me or against me?" Hood said and jumped up on the ledge as he shot out his grapple gun. He didn't give Robin a chance to answer as he swung over to the next building.
"I'm going to say this to you now before B finds out what we were up to tonight," Robin said in a serious tone right as he landed on the roof. Hood turned to look at him but Robin couldn't see his expression thanks to his helmet. "It was nice knowing you."
Hood scoffed and made his way into the building through the roof access.
Seven minutes earlier…
Spider-man had gotten close enough to see what the clown and his goons were doing. He decided it was time to go back for the Red Hood when an animal started to whimper. Peter thought it was a dog at first until the animal came sauntering into view. It was looking up towards the vent Peter was hiding in and smelling the air. It whimpered again and Joker began to laugh.
Is that a hyena?
"I think ol' Lou smells a familiar rat," Joker said in a stage whisper. "Maybe one of you fellas can take a look around the place. Maybe you'll find something we can bake into a pie. I can go for a pie, how 'bout you, Hank? You want a piece of pie?"
Time to get out of here. My cover's blown.
"Sure, boss. I like pie," Hank said with an emphatic nod.
Good thing these jokers like to talk, it'll give me time to backtrack and sneak out.
Joker slapped him and laughed. "What are you waiting for?! Bring me the rat and maybe I'll let you have some pie!"
"Sorry, boss!" Hank said, backing away in hurried steps. "Right away, boss!"
The hyena's whimpers were getting louder. Peter came out of the vent and landed in a crouch on the upper-level landing. His spider-sense tingled just as he heard a low growl.
Peter turned in time to see a hyena come out from the shadows.
"How'd you get up here so fast, big guy?" Peter said in a low voice with a hand out to stave off the beast.
"What do you mean, sugar?" said a feminine voice with a thick Jersey accent from behind him. "We just got here."
Peter barely had a chance to duck from the swing of an oversized mallet before he got a good look at his attacker. Harley Quinn? "I thought you were locked up in Arkham."
"I am," Harley said as she flipped in the air. "I just came out for some fresh air and to get my baby back." She swung her mallet again when she landed. Peter managed to roll out of the way of the swing.
Damn, she's fast. And from what I can tell from the speed and force of that swing, if she lands a hit, it'll be devastating.
"Pudding should know better than to separate Bud and Lou." She walked around to get behind Spider-man. Bud was now right in front of him ready to pounce. The hyena was salivating something fierce.
"You know, this sounds like a domestic dispute. Why don't I get out of your hair for a minute? You get your baby back and I look the other way."
"Oh, Pudding is getting what's coming to him. But, first, I need to make sure you don't get in my way."
Yeah, figured it would come down to that.
"I heard about an itsy bitsy spider that was working with the bats. But I didn't think I'd get a chance to squash you. This is exciting!"
"Well, sorry to disappoint but I'm not going to make it easy for you."
"Oh! A challenge just for me! I'm tingling all over, sugar!"
Harley whistled. Bud pounced. Peter avoided the hyena's bite but he didn't move fast enough to get away from the mallet.
The last thought Peter registered was, did anyone get the plate on that truck?
When Peter came too, he was tied to a chair. His head was being pulled back by some unknown force. He could see Harley beside him. She was gagged and strapped to the chair with chains. The two hyenas were laying at her feet. Both were whimpering as they covered their eyes with their paws. If Peter didn't know any better, he'd say that the hyenas had just received a lecture.
"It won't come off, boss," said one of the goons. He'd been trying to yank Spider-man's mask off but the thing wouldn't budge. "Maybe he used superglue to keep it stuck."
"Maybe he used superglue!" Joker said with a chuckle before he backhanded the goon. "Get out of the way! This is a man's job!"
Harley's muffled shouting made Joker laugh harder.
"Oh, sweetums, I really love the way you sound when I can't understand a word you say." He laughed again as he tugged on the mask. "It really is stuck." Joker moved Spidey's head this way and that as if he was trying to gauge whether or not he was awake. "Did you use superglue? Or one of the birdbrains was pulling a prank on ya! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Or maybe your breath stinks so bad I willed it to stay on," Peter said without thinking. So much for pretending to still be out.
Joker blew air into his hand and sniffed it. "Oh, I really shouldn't have had that garlic bread. But how was I to know I was going to have guests tonight!" He chuckled again. His goons laughed with him. "But if you don't like my breath, maybe you want to smell my flower!" Joker leaned his chest closer to Spidey's face. He squeezed his pocket and acid gushed out of the flower.
Peter's spider-sense warned him of the danger. He quickly leaned to the side to avoid getting acid on his face. He managed to turn the chair enough that the acid landed on the rope that was used to bind him.
"I've heard of acid rain but never acid flowers!" Peter said as he flipped away and landed on a high perch.
"They're native to Gotham," Joker said with a laugh. "I can give you a guided tour. I promise you it will end in a bang! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"I don't think so, Chuckles," Peter said standing up on the wall. He pointed at the Joker. "You're headed right back to Arkham Asylum."
"How does he do that?" Joker mused as he stared at Spider-man. He turned to look at his henchmen and pulled out a gun. "What are you bozos waiting for?! Get him before I shoot you full of holes!"
"Easy pickings!" Spider-man said before he shot out some webbing and encompassed all three goons in a web net. "Now, for the pasty-faced stinker!"
"That's my cue! See ya, Harls!" Joker said, throwing a bundle of already lit dynamite towards the boxes full of chemicals.
The Joker took off running. But Peter couldn't go after him. He needed to get three goons, two hyenas, and a harlequin to safety before the dynamite went off.
Just as Red Hood and Robin got to the landing on the upper level, a heap of bodies inside a net of webbing landed at their feet. Spider-Man followed right after. He had two hyenas wrapped up in a webbing sack and Harley Quin tossed over his shoulder as he moved past the duo.
"Grab those idiots! This place is gonna blow!" Spider-Man said as he crashed through a window making an easy access exit for them all.