AN- I hope everyone is continuing to do well during this pandemic. As promised last chapter, here is the Legolas angst about Carla (and Niori, because of course). Enjoy.

Not Meant to Be

Legolas had known those of his own kind who had never felt the stab of grief. Even some of the oldest elves he knew, who had lived through multiple wars, had never dealt with death on a personal level. They had never lost someone they loved, and Legolas envied them that, especially when he stood in the middle of the battlefield that had taken someone else from him. For so long he held the grief for his mother close to him, unable to share it because it was a topic all but forbidden by his father. When his sister left it was a different kind of grief, but still a loss. He had gone a long time after that, his pain became a dull ache that bothered him only when he really thought about it. Then the War of the Ring had come and Niori had waltzed into his life, only to walk right back out again a year later and almost destroy him. That pain had never healed, not over the seventeen years she'd been gone. He'd just learned to push it down and live with it. Then this last year, when the world had crashed down around them again and war took them all by surprise. Minas Tirith burned, his friend and his family died with it. After that, so many had died in battle, people who he had liked, if not cared for. He had been around mortals so long that he couldn't help but absorb the strength of how they felt their grief, how violently they expressed it. He watched Niori suffer in part because of his actions and took the ways she punished him for it. It was as much guilt as grief. Just as he thought he could stand no more, that couldn't bear anymore loss, this battle proved that he would have no choice but to. Carla was added to the list of those he lost, one of the final casualties of this war.

Carla was his friend, would have been his family had he and Niori wed. Even after he found out what she had done, how she had attacked Niori and left her to be captured and then kept the truth to herself because of fear, he hadn't hated Carla. Legolas thought he should have, because Carla's omissions had directly contributed to Niori's suffering, but hate had never followed the initial fury he felt. Perhaps he would have, had his own guilt not been tearing at him. How could he be self-righteous when he had been the reason Niori had fled into that forest in the first place.

A day after the truth had come out, Legolas had come across Carla. She had been sitting on a fallen tree at the edge of the forest, hunched over with her head in her hands. His rage had spiked, and he had to bite his tongue to stop himself from speaking. Before he looked away, Legolas realized her body was shaking with silent sobs and he felt something he never would have expected- pity. Carla looked pathetic, broken, and it was pitiful. It was never an emotion he expected to feel for her, even outside of how disgusted he was with her. No matter what she was going through, Carla always had an aura of strength that made you feel like you weren't allowed to pity her. Even when Carla suffered and you felt sorry that she was in pain, it wasn't pity. Pity would only make her angry. Yet looking at her, laid so low under the pressure of her guilt, it was the only word he could think of. He didn't forgive her, not then, but realized nothing he said or did could hurt her more than her own guilt was making her suffer. He walked away, not letting her know he'd seen her, and left some of the rage behind him.

He had not spoken to her for a long time, because he didn't want to risk unleashing all his pain onto her and because Carla could barely bear to look at him. It came when Niori was surrounded by others who loved her, trying to outlast her demons and vices. It was usually Arien or Silmarwen who Legolas went to for updates, but one day it was Carla who was outside when he came. When Carla saw him, she wiped away her tears and faced him, resigned to whatever he would throw at her. Legolas, who knew that Carla was the one trying to hardest to convince Niori to save herself, only asked, "How is she?"

If Carla was surprised by his calm reaction it didn't show on her face, but her shoulders sagged in relief and in an exhausted voice she said, "She's hurting."

That was a constant in Niori's life lately, so it told him little, "Does she hurt even a little less than yesterday?"

"I think so."

Then it was improvement, as far as Legolas was concerned. He didn't say anything else, just nodded and squeezed her shoulder in thanks. Carla gave him an almost smile before she steeled herself and went back inside. From there, the two of them acknowledged each other, even if they didn't speak. He noticed that others would glance between them when they were in the same vicinity, and realized they were waiting for him to explode. He didn't blame them for the assumption he felt anger but couldn't understand how they thought he would cause a scene in public, even if he wanted to.

Then Carla had sought him out after Niori's failed assassination attempt against Eldarion and spoke to him. It was the first time he had seen her so fierce and unapologetic in a long time. Her eyes blazed and her voice was strong when she said, "Niori is petty and vindictive and likes to make people she's mad at suffer. She hits below the belt and knows the best way to hurt you. She'll do it on the turn of a dime. But she is not a traitor. She doesn't have it in her."

It was that moment that Legolas believed that things were not as bad as they looked, that the Niori he loved wasn't lost forever, thrown away to be the enemy. Her words -ones from the old Carla, who had spent a lifetime playing protector and defending the cousin the world seemed determined to make suffer- made him hope that there was another answer than the obvious one.

Later, after Eomer's death, Legolas had been the one to seek Carla out. She was in her room, not crying this time. She looked exhausted and numb, and when she saw him standing in the doorway, she merely moved to the side and made room for him on the bed beside her. Legolas sat down and mirrored her position, back against the wall and legs hanging down over the side. They sat there silently for a long time before Carla spoke.

"Niori was always the screw up and I was always the solid one. She'd make bad choice after bad choice and I'd be the one to pick up the pieces, ever since we were kids. Then we got back here, and all the sudden it was reversed. She was the one who was stable and happy while I was the one suffering over what I couldn't have. I hated it and I was jealous," she paused, swallowed, and then went on, "That night, before I ran into her in the woods, Eomer and I slept together," Legolas had assumed that that had happened based on the few details he knew, but this was the first time it was confirmed, "after we were done, he left me like I was nothing but a one night stand. Never in my life had I felt that cheap and humiliated, not even when everyone found out about our affair. Niori did that once, slept with a married man," Niori had never mentioned that, even though she was open enough about her past. He was shocked for a moment, but it passed quickly- he could see how it could happen, with how desperate Niori was for love. He felt sorrow and rage on her behalf, and he clearly wasn't the only one, "She kept it secret at first, because she knew it was wrong that some prick seduced a gullible fifteen-year-old. I only found out because I accidently saw an email he sent her when I was doing research for a paper on her computer. I was horrified and went right to the bastard's house and told him if he so much as talked to her again, I'd tell the cops all about his statutory rape," it took so much courage, for that pre-battle tested Carla to stand her ground against that threat, especially for someone else. Legolas couldn't help but respect her even more, "I had to tell her what I did. I thought she'd be mad, but she was relieved. Niori knew the road she was going down was unacceptable but hadn't been able to stop herself. She needed to be reeled back in and I realized it had to be me. She'd listen to me when I told her to step back or walk away, so it was up to me to be her keeper, to protect her from her worst instincts."

Legolas felt sorry for the girl Carla had once been, who had taken on a role she shouldn't have had to, "It was unfair to you," and it was, for all he was glad Niori had Carla there.

"Who else was going to do it? Erin and Jane never learned about that so they never really got how far Niori could fall. Besides, someone in our family had to have her back," those poor girls, growing up like that. Despite his father's coldness after his wife's death, Legolas had never felt that neglected or alone. It shed a lot of light on just what made Niori and Carla work when they were so different, "nothing that bad happened again. Niori learned her lesson."

And Legolas was glad because that had nothing to do with enjoyment. It had everything to do with desperation and pain. He was relieved Niori had never felt so low to be manipulated that way again. While he was thinking that, Carla continued, "I was disgusted. Mostly at that asshole, but part of me was disgusted by her too. It was the first time I ever looked at her and thought she was nothing but a slut. I never let her know it, but I thought it. And I couldn't help but think I was better than her. Niori might always shine brighter, but I'd have the moral compass. I'd be better," she paused, looking down at her lap, "and then I went and did the same thing."

"It's not the same thing," he protested, "both you and Eomer were adults torn apart by circumstances. The affair might have been a mistake, even wrong, but it was because of love."

"I know that now," she said, "but that night I sure as hell didn't. And then I saw Niori there, and all I could think was that I wasn't the better one anymore. She was happy and adjusted and I was the screw up. It was one more thing I had lost- the moral high ground. I couldn't stand it. I didn't give a fuck that she was upset about something, because what did she have to cry over? So I got angry and said something cruel. Then Niori said something back, and she's better at being mean than me. Then I got angrier and hit her before I stormed off."

Legolas hated hearing this, knowing what happened next. He wondered what Carla would say next, but she stayed silent, "Why are you telling me this?" he finally asked, and she stubbornly refused to answer. He figured it out easily enough, "You want to make me angry, so I'll yell at you. You think you'll feel better somehow, or it'll hurt less."

"Elfwine didn't either," she whispered, "I thought for sure you would, after all I did to Niori. I can't figure out why you don't hate me."

"You're hard to hate, even after everything you've done. And how can I punish you anymore than you've punished yourself?"

And that made Carla bark out a harsh bark of laughter. It was a laugh that was anything but humorous, "Karma's a bitch. Because that's what this is right? I fucked over Niori, so the universe fucks me over by killing the man I love."

"Eomer didn't die because of your actions. He was a warrior who made his own choices. He didn't have to sacrifice himself, but that's the decision he made. Don't dismiss his bravery by saying it's all about you."

"If it was Niori who did it for you, you'd feel the exact same."

Legolas couldn't deny it. He might even feel worse. He didn't reply, so they just sat there. He wanted to comfort her more but knew Carla would rarely accept physical comfort from anyone who wasn't the other three girls. So he just sat with her, hoping his presence would help. It was nearly half an hour later before another word was said.

"She still loves you. She still wants to be with you. I promise you she's going to figure that out."

Legolas wished with everything in him that she was right, but he couldn't bring himself to hope, "I hope you're right."

Carla looked like she wanted to tell him something more, but she just shook her head and kept the thought to herself, "It's part of my making amends. I'm going to make sure she's happy again."

Legolas studied her, this woman who was so determined to fix the life of someone she loved and had hurt, like she had been trying to do for most of her life. He wondered where it would leave her if she accomplished it and had nothing else to atone for. He wondered if she'd find peace or if it would leave her floundering. Carla was never one for peace, even in the best circumstances. He worried about her and thought Carla needed someone to watch out for her as well, "Don't forget to seek your own happiness."

She looked at him in disbelief, "My own happiness? After this?" this could have meant any of the terrible things that had happened.

"Don't discount it Carla. It may not seem so now, but your life won't always be darkness. You'll find a way to live again and find joy in it. You'll heal too, once this is over. Grief can cripple you," Legolas knew that personally, had grown up under the shadow of it, "but you're stronger than that. You'll grieve and mourn, and then go on with your life. You'll be happy, if you let yourself be," Carla scoffed, so he continued, "It may take a long time, but there is so much out there for you, things to see and do. Things to become. Someone to love, maybe, but if not, then you'll have so many friends and family to fill your life."

"Love? I don't think I can put myself through that again. And who the hell would be insane enough to fall for me after they hear all I've done?"

"You're a renowned and strong warrior. You're fierce, intelligent, and funny. You'd sacrifice anything for those you love and give anything to protect them. Believe me, there will be those who see that and would be fools not to love you. Maybe one of them will be worthy of your love in return. If not, then that's fine as well."

Carla looked over at him in amusement, her pain overshadowed for the moment, "If I didn't know how stupidly in love you are with my cousin, I'd say you were hitting on me."

That made Legolas laugh, though not cruelly. He had been blinded by Niori from the beginning and hadn't been able to look away. With her there, he hadn't been able to see anyone in that light. But that did not mean he didn't acknowledge Carla was worthy of it. In another world, he could have perhaps seen her that way, but the idea now seemed absurd to them both, "If you were to give me your affections, I would be honoured. But no."

That made Carla snort, "God we'd be terrible together."

"Perhaps, but it would be an honour nonetheless."

A weight seemed to lift between them then, for at least a little while. They forgot grief for a moment, before Jane came back. The other girl looked at the two of them in confusion, before Legolas left. When he took one look back at Carla, she said, "Thank you."

That was the last private moment between them and now it would always be the final one. Carla hadn't gotten the time to find happiness again, to live a life where she got to leave the darkness behind. He thought she found peace, based on the way she smiled in death, but that was not the joy he wanted for her. If the universe were fair, she wouldn't have had to die for absolution. She would have atoned and been able to live a long life after it.

He had no time to shed his tears for his friend, not while someone had to see to her remains. The other three girls were inconsolable, even after they had been led away from their friend's body. Others were collecting the other bodies that needed to be brought back for burial, and Carla deserved to be taken care of by someone who cared about her. Right now, Legolas seemed the best option. He would do it with heartbroken pride. Gracefully, he gathered Carla's body up into his arms and walked away with her. He hated that there was no sign of life, only her dead weight. He wanted her to struggle, to snap at him to put her down and stop treating her like a damsel, as Carla would in life. He wanted her to be alive.

Legolas brought her to where the carts were being loaded with the dead. He couldn't bear the thought of adding her to the pile, making her one more corpse among many. He knew it wasn't disrespectful, but he'd rather carry her the whole way back to the village rather than leave her there. He stood there while weary soldiers did their gruesome work, unwilling to give her up. One of them, an older man who already had old battle scars, saw him standing there and a look of pity passed over his face.

"My Lord," he said, voice gruff with emotions, "we're almost done here and it seems like we've been lucky enough to have fewer bodies," bless the Valar for that, even if Legolas cursed that Carla was still among them, "the lady can travel there. She should be by herself."

He didn't question it. He merely nodded acceptance and put Carla down on the small cart that had carried weapons here. It was only big enough for one, and he was grateful this honour was reserved for her. He stood there watching her, focusing on her clean face and finally letting tears slip from his burning eyes, "I'm sorry," he whispered to her, and he was. He was sorry that this had happened to her, and all that led up to it. He was sorry that she would not live a long life, surrounded by those who loved her. He was sorry that she died here on the battlefield, instead of in a warm bed, decades from now.

He walked away then because there were those who still lived who needed him. He saw Erin and Jane first, who were still together. Frodo and Elijah had joined them, each holding one's hand. Word must have reached them what he had been doing, because when Jane saw him, she burst into tears again. Erin got to her feet and hugged him tightly, whispering 'thank you' in a choked voice. He hugged her until she let go. When Erin stepped back, she pointed to the direction behind her, "Niori went that way."

Legolas wanted nothing more than to go to her, but she was not the only one hurting, "I want to know if you're alright."

"No," she replied, and the grief was so raw in her voice that it broke his heart all over again.

"Erin-" he started, but she shook her head and interrupted.

"We're covered right now. Right now, she needs you more."

He left and Legolas found Niori easily enough. His speaking with her did not go as he hoped it would. The woman who said she loved him only a few hours ago now screamed at him like she hated him all over again. She didn't just reject his attempt to comfort her but used his concern against him. Carla had told him that Niori still wanted to be with him, but apparently the woman herself had decided she'd burn that idea down until he couldn't do anything other than accept it was over. Legolas had never assumed they'd be a couple that ballads would be written about, they they'd be spoken about in songs for years to come. But he had always believed that it was based on a love that would always last. He had never thought it would end, that there would ever be a situation that could break it. He had assumed they were destined to be together.

He truly understood now he had been wrong. The misunderstanding they could have moved past had she not been captured, but she had been. She had been tortured and had her sanity pulled apart, and they both knew his actions had put her on that path. Her hatred he had learned to live with, even if it tore him apart. It was this new state of being, where she let him be there for her one moment and then violently reject him the next, that was driving him insane. At least now he seemed to have her definitive answer- leave her alone forever.

If her words hadn't been enough, then her actions soon afterwards were the final nail in the coffin. She could be cruel, his Niori. She could find a weakness and twist it until you were on your knees. She could be vicious if she wanted to cause hurt, and she was doing so now. She had deliberately chosen to ride with Eldarion to hurt him, as if her words and dismissal from earlier hadn't done the job well enough. He probably should have been furious at her, for going out of her way to cause him anguish. At the very least angry that she was using the young prince so selfishly, uncaring about his feelings. But Legolas was too exhausted. Battle, loss, and grief held too much of him for anger to break in. It was pathetic, he acknowledged as he trudged back, but made no effort to change it. What could he do? Niori had made herself clear and he wouldn't be someone who refused to listen and accept her choices.

He would never just abandon her, because in his heart of hearts Legolas knew it was impossible for him to just walk away and never look back. He would always be there if she needed him, without question. Niori was selfish enough to lean on him if she really needed it, and he'd accept it, no matter how unfair it was to him. He was a fool, but he'd never leave. He just had to stop hoping that it could get better. Legolas had to accept it was never going to improve and just learn to live with it.

He could imagine Carla's reaction to his acceptance when she had been so convinced that he and Niori had a future. He could picture her snapping 'don't you dare give up' before storming away. But Carla was dead and any hope he had left for a life with Niori had died with her. It was two more stabs of grief to add to the list that was already too long.

There's still time to turn this around
You could build this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

AN- The lyrics used are from the song Not Meant to Be by Theory of a Deadman (brought to you from Niori's LOTR 2003 playlist). Everyone be careful out there! Until next time.