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I do not own FMA, nor do I wish to.
This chapter has a PG13 rating, language.
italics are inside thoughts.
There are notes at the end explaining a bit more of the background of this. I'm not really a fan of this story but i've been sitting on it for almost 3 years and i don't think i can fix it without just throwing the whole thing out. All authors like their work from 3 years ago right? bleh.
I like my comedy stories more than my dramatic stories fyi. And this falls into that category, sort of.
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Every one of Mustang's crew was in the office today except Hawkeye who was filling in for a friend a few offices down, which was also probably why the conversation had degenerated to where it was. Havoc had decided to take Ed under his wing and teach him a few things about women.
Ed was already blushing like crazy and trying to get out of the conversation but Havoc was having none of it. The older man rested his arm on Ed's shoulders and leaned over as if telling military secrets.
"So, you have to be careful which ones you talk to because some of them will walk all over you. It's almost impossible to resist the skilled ones though, they just come up to you and smile and you know you're done for. They could ask for a glass of water or they could ask for your wallet and you'd hand it over."
Ed was pretty sure this was just Havoc's preference for women and that possibly the wallet thing had actually happened to him. He rolled his eyes.
"Not like you though Ed, you've already got Winry and you know she's good."
"I keep telling you! We're not dat-"
"This one time, this really good looking woman met me at the bar, great curves, beautiful blue eyes, long legs, I almost died right there." Havoc paused sighing, "Anyway, she sat down real close and with a beautiful smile she asked if I'd buy her a drink. Of course I would, who wouldn't? … well, I ended up buying drinks all night for her and then her boyfriend showed up and they left."
Ed blinked at him, "You just kept buying drinks? For no reason?"
"Ed she was gorgeous!"
Mustang spoke up from the other room, "I remember her, she was quite beautiful."
"YOU STOLE HER FROM ME!"
Breda and Falman started laughing while Havoc began exaggerated sobbing into his cigarette.
"Let me guess, Mustang was the boyfriend?"
"You got it chief. It took a few weeks for Havoc to get over that one and he only stopped sulking after the General paid him back for the drinks."
"Well, I felt bad after she took me to the cleaners too."
"Wait," Ed was confused, "Are you telling me that the great playboy Mustang got tricked by this woman as well? What did she get from you?"
Mustang seemed reluctant to tell but he knew Breda would chip in the information if he didn't, and he wasn't sure he wanted Ed to know THAT version of events. "I ended up staying at her apartment a few times and somehow she was able to convince me to buy her a new couch and get her groceries every day."
The crew laughed, "He was in way over his head with that one."
Ed had been silently mulling over the news that Mustang had fallen into the trap of a beautiful woman, and she got food over it. A mischievous grin appeared on his face. "Havoc! I'm going to need to see this first hand, for science. Let's go out tonight and you can show me these women. I wouldn't want to give food away for free."
Breda, Falman, and Fuery wanted in as well and when Mustang heard everyone was going he couldn't pass up this chance to head out with the team. After all, he had better tips than these guys, Ed would be lost without his superior insight.
Hawkeye heard the cheering as she entered the office and looked around quizzically, the men had started coughing the moment they noticed her and had gone back to work, only Ed was meeting her gaze, and the grin on his face was so big it scared her a bit.
"What's going on?"
"These guys are going to show me which women at the bar to avoid so that I don't give away food like Mustang did that time. You should come Hawkeye, bring that single friend of yours."
The guys had been about to protest Hawkeye joining them, not because they didn't enjoy her company, but you couldn't bring a woman to the bar when you were showing someone new how to meet women. It would be weird. However, when they heard the words 'single friend' all eyes snapped to the markswoman with intense interest."
It took most of Hawkeye's training to stop herself from bursting out laughing. The hopeful looks on all their faces and the now GIANT grin on Ed's face was almost too much to handle. "Sure Ed, I think she's available. Are you sure?"
"Yeah." Ed jumped up, fist in the air. "This'll be awesome! I have to go find clothes!" he took off.
Hawkeye was left in a room of inquisitive men staring at her. She reached for her gun. "No one is getting any more information. I came by to drop off some paperwork-" Mustang groaned, "and then I'm leaving." And she did just that.
That afternoon Ed went over to Hawkeye's to get ready. The sales-women at all the shops had been really helpful and now there were shoes and dresses and hair products and makeup scattered all over Riza's apartment. They spent about two hours just working on teaching Ed to walk in high heels, then they got to work with the clothes. Ed took a break while Riza got ready and took the opportunity to call Havoc and tell him that he'd be late and to start without him. Then it was Ed's turn to dress before Riza did most of the makeup, teaching Ed this new skill was going to take way longer than they had available, and a short while later Hawkeye had to admit seeing themselves in the mirror was quite stunning. She just had to get that grin off of Ed's face, it was a dead give away.
Riza was wearing a cotton red dress that went just passed her knees and flared out at the waist, it had short sleeves and a square neckline, her hair was down and styled in a few waves. She'd chosen the light summer style of dress so that there was more of a contrast between her and Ed, giving the younger blonde more of a head start.
Ed's outfit was what Riza called a knockout. It was a long dark blue silk evening dress that went straight to her ankles, there was a slit all the way up the dress to her hip and the skin of her real leg could be seen no matter what angle she was at. It had spaghetti straps because there was no other way to boost her chest up unless the dress supported itself. Her heels were as high as she could handle which added another three inches to her height and were the same blue as her dress. She'd found some black nylons to cover her automail leg, it would be hard to even see the metal with how long the dress was and how high her heels were, but she didn't want to take unnecessary chances. It'd only been a couple of weeks since she'd restored Al to his body and gotten her arm back so there was still a lot of scarring and missing muscle mass that would need to be covered. They were hoping that long black gloves would cover the arm, and her hair, which was loose and fell in large curls, would cover her shoulder. Finally, her makeup. Ed's eyes were heavy with black mascara and eyeliner and her lipstick was a very dark red. Hopefully this would keep the men's eyes on her face and away from her telling features.
When she saw herself in the mirror she barely recognised herself and started cackling until Riza had to remind her that if she didn't tone it down she'd get found out for sure.
They called a cab for the bar and Ed practised her soft voice all the way there.
Riza opened the door to the bar and Ed stepped in after her, suddenly all her confidence drained out through the floor. what the hell am i doing? How was this evening supposed to end? There was no way she'd be able to get out of this without awkwardness at the least, hate and betrayal at the most. This was a terrible idea. Looking up she saw Riza giving encouragement and took a deep breath before locking her emotions into place; no backing out now, she made this decision and she'd have to see it through.
Havoc was at the door in seconds, greeting Riza then turning to be introduced to Ed. Riza had thought of shortening Edaline to Allie but she'd turned it down, if she was doing this to 'out' herself she might as well use her full name. It would feel less like hiding.
"Havoc, this is Edaline".
Havoc stared a moment as if almost comprehending then shook his head, Ed noticed he was holding Riza's hand and decided to comment, redirecting attention, "Hello Havoc, have you been dating Riza long?" Mission accomplished, Havoc started to sing the sharpshooter's praises. He extended elbows to each of them while keeping up the conversation and walked them both to the table where the rest of the team was seated.
The pleasant comfortableness with Havoc disappeared when they arrived as he quickly introduced Edaline to the group then turned his attention to his date, leaving Ed to stand awkwardly while everyone else stared at her. She had never in her life been subject to such scrutiny based on her physical appearance. Hadn't this been what she wanted though? Her doubts crept in again and she took a small step backward, that seemed to spark at least Mustang into action. He jumped up and pulled a chair out.
"Actually no," another step back, "I uh, need a drink." she gestured wildly to the bar behind her.
Suddenly Havoc was beside her, "Have a seat Edaline, I'm getting the first round." He nudged her forward in a way that was a little too familiar until she was next to Mustang again. Her heart started racing at the realisation, Havoc knows! She was scared and relieved at the same time, he knows and he's not freaking out. Ed glanced at Hawkeye for confirmation and the older woman nodded at her. Ok, one down, four to go. Though by the way Mustang was staring at her, his eyes calculating, it couldn't be long now.
She mentally slapped herself, wake up! focus! Smiling brightly she held a hand out to Mustang until he responded in kind and they shook hands in silent greeting, then she sat just to avoid seeing his face. He was still looking her over very carefully, "Hello,... Edaline." He hadn't let go of her hand and she was pretty sure he was checking her heart rate even with the gloves covering her wrist. She yanked her hand away and tried to smile, "Thank you, are you going to sit down as well? It'll be hard to talk to you while you're that tall." She flinched at her own short comment and Mustang narrowed his eyes.
The tension at the table was high when Havoc returned with drinks and his presence (and the beer) easily calmed everyone's nerves. Breda was trying to figure out what Mustang was up to and Fuery and Falman were a bit upset Riza's friend hadn't acknowledged them yet.
Havoc laid out the drinks, trying to encourage Ed to talk to people. Though he was being a bit obvious about it. She could tell Mustang was catching on through Havoc's attitude and took another deep breath to calm herself and this time it worked, sort of.
She hadn't wanted to lie to anyone tonight but she couldn't calm her nerves with the Flame Alchemist staring at her, seemingly trying to dissect her brain. Looking around the table she noticed it only felt like all the attention was on her, Falman and Fuery had given up watching her because clearly Mustang was in charge of that, they'd started a debate with Riza and Havoc about the military's vacation allotment. It seemed like Hawkeye had gotten an extra week off by threatening someone in HR with her gun.
Ed chuckled at the story and took a drink, sitting back in the chair she almost had a second to relax before the feeling of being watched started creeping in again. She looked to the right and saw that Mustang had moved closer to her and she recognised the look in his eyes, he was looking to start trouble with that damn smirk of his. "Those shoes are quite tall Edaline, how short are you without them?"
She held it in, the profanities, the glare, the exuberant outburst. Havoc's shock at her non-reaction is what Mustang picked up on though.
He jumped up, pointing at her, "I knew it! I am NOT buying you groceries Fullmetal!"
"No shit you cheap bastard." If he wanted a fight, he'd get one. The table had gone silent and Ed cursed to herself, less than a half hour had passed since their arrival, she owed Hawkeye 500 cenz.
In the space of a heartbeat Mustang's face went from triumphant-shit-disturber to furious-General. He stood, grabbing her arm and dragging her to her feet. "You, outside. Now!"
She hissed and punched him in the gut with her left hand so he'd release her arm. "Fine jackass. Don't touch me." In defiance she stopped to take another long drink before turning and marching out of the bar.
Mustang waited and was right behind her, once she was through the door he practically dragged her toward the side of the building.
"I said don't touch me!" she twisted out of his grasp and threw an elbow at his kidney, even with the heels she was still shorter than him, the attack landed perfectly and Mustang doubled over giving Ed some time to step back and collect herself. In mere moments he'd recovered enough to stand and his hand reached into his pocket for his gloves, he hesitated. He'd been expecting a usual Ed sized fight, where buildings fell and fists punched him out of the ground.
Ed had not even put up a defence. She was standing far enough away to dodge his grasp but was just watching him, eyes narrowed. He took a few more moments to calm his anger and notice that her right arm was close against her waist, as if she were shielding iiiiittt- fuuuuck. His rage evaporated as he realised that he'd probably bruised it when he grabbed her earlier, her new arm, freshly back from the gate.
"Go on then, burn me alive if you're so angry I lied to you."
He was still bitter, though now directed at himself, "You told Hawkeye."
"Fuck off Roy. She found out herself, she's Hawkeye. And it's not her secret to tell. Actually, you should thank her. I only got Al his body back two weeks ago and she's been pressuring me to tell everyone since then."
Mustang felt like garbage, he really had no reason to be this angry. The original feeling of betrayal had vanished, replaced by guilt. He stepped forward to apologise and she stepped back and to the side, protecting her arm and glaring at him.
He stopped, "I'm sorry Ed, may I take a look?"
She hesitated, then nodded.
Coming forward slowly he took her hand and carefully removed the glove, tossing it to the side. "Hey! Those are expensive, bastard!" He ignored her, the bruise was dark but the bone wasn't broken. He kept holding her arm pretending to look at the bruise but instead he checked out the arm itself. It was much weaker than he'd thought, very little muscle mass compared to the left. Since the successful transmutation of her brother's soul back into his body everyone was so focussed on Al's health it was clearly too easy for Ed to hide her single weak limb.
A gun clicked in the darkness causing Ed to jump, maybe she was a little too focussed on Mustang's touch... Roy hadn't moved.
"Is everything ok out here?"
"Yes lieutenant, just checking out Ed's injuries." He looked into Ed's face, "Let's get some ice on this."
Hawkeye did not lower her weapon, "Ed are you ok?"
She studied Mustang for a moment. He seemed genuinely concerned. "Yeah. I think so."
Riza lowered the gun. "Sir, I will kill you."
"Thank you Riza, we're coming in anyway." Ed removed her arm from Mustang's grip and went to retrieve her glove. It didn't seem to be damaged and she put it back on to cover the lack of muscles and the addition of bruises. "I don't need ice Mustang, it's just a bruise."
On the way back into the pub Ed noticed something. It was a strange thought and once it was in her head it wouldn't go away: Mustang was hovering. He grabbed the door for her on the way in, brought her a new drink, pulled out her chair, and made sure no one got near her arm. This was definitely a side of the General that she'd never seen before. He was actually being nice to her.
The team had a few questions but it looked like Hawkeye and Havoc had filled them in on most of it while she and Mustang had been arguing in the alley. The General ordered another round. It became clear quite quickly that Ed wasn't a big drinker, (she wasn't a big anything). So after only three drinks she was having trouble focussing. No matter, Mustang to the rescue! He ordered her a giant plate of food to help with the alcohol, and she dug in.
Riza raised an eyebrow.
Havoc covered his mouth and turned away.
Breda, Fuery, and Falman stared at their commander in horror.
Mustang had bought food for Ed and Ed was too drunk to notice.
Mustang had realised his mistake as soon as the plate was delivered. He'd hoped his team wouldn't notice but one look around dashed those thoughts. It was only Ed now and thankfully she seemed completely oblivious.
Ed finished inhaling the plate, "Thanks M-" She stopped and stared wide eyed at Mustang. "YOU JUST BOUGHT ME FOOD!"
He smacked himself in the face and groaned. She laughed, punching him in the shoulder to lighten up.
It was a weak right handed punch and he barely felt it, but he heard her hiss of pain. He rolled his eyes and stood up. "Ok, night's over. I'm not buying anything else for anyone." The table let out a symphony of whining, they too were a bit tipsy. He turned his attention to Fullmetal, once again trying to hide her weakened limb. "Ed, I'm driving you home and Monday you report to the medic for your arm."
He walked around to the left side of her chair and helped her up with her good arm. She tried to swat at him but a small drunk woman in high heels with a damaged arm was no match for the sober, war-veteran General. He hauled her good arm over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around her waist. His thoughts wandered for a moment as his hand rested on her hip, then the startlingly close sound of the hammer on a gun being pulled back reminded him he had a job to do and he took off. He got Ed in the car easily enough and jumped into the driver's seat.
"Mustang?"
He faced his passenger. "What Ed?"
She was looking right at him, soft gold eyes, cheeks slightly pink from the alcohol, a small smile. "Thank you for the food."
His heart jumped and he looked away, "No problem Ed." He sighed as he pulled into traffic. With a smile like that I doubt it'll be the last time.
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So...while i dislike that Ed dressed up to get free things, everyone learns their lessons in their own way. And not thinking things through completely is an Ed kind of thing.
She didn't get anything free because of her looks though, she got a drink from Havoc to break the ice, and the rest from Mustang who already knows who she is and who wanted her to feel better after almost breaking her arm. So if there's a lesson here, it's that you can guilt people into almost anything.
It also doesn't make sense that someone who's never dressed as a woman before would automatically put themselves in the 'stunner' category. But we know Ed is determined to do and get whatever she wants when she puts her mind to it.
Also, we know that Ed isn't the kind of person to take advantage of other people, even if she wanted to try it, but for some reason, i picture Mustang as the kind of guy that thinks buying things for women keeps them happy. And in this case, Ed will always be happy if she's got a full stomach.