Roy had had a stressful day of dealing with paperwork and bureaucracy and idiots, my god some people were dumb, so after very little deliberation he decided to go and visit his aunt. He hadn't had a chance to stop by since the whole everybody-died-then-came-back-to-life thing and it would be nice to let loose a little, maybe see what the girls were up to. The burlesque house was popular on Fridays and it wasn't even that far away.

As soon as he stepped through the door and the atmosphere washed over him he knew he'd made the right decision. There was just something about coming home that relaxed him to his core. Even if 'home' was a lively burlesque house of drunken debauchery and headquarters to his aunt's spy network. Just in the entry way he could feel the stress melting from him. He hung his coat up and rolled his sleeves half way up in an attempt to blend in with the after-work crowd then made his way to the only available bar stool. His sisters would recognise his presence in a moment then he'd be surrounded. An experience he'd forgotten he'd missed.

It ended up being less than a moment before he heard the squeal Roy's Here! from his sisters and was mobbed on his bar stool. They started bickering in front of him as they gave updates on everything that'd been happening since he'd last visited and he smiled, leaning back on his elbows against the bar as the nostalgia of his past life washed over him.

That is, until he saw Ed dancing among the crowd. Ed that was clearly not Edward. Tight black leather pants, sheer backless top. He closed his eyes. This wasn't happening. He'd only wanted the one night, the one night away from work to not think about co-workers or bosses or idiots. He steeled himself against reality and opened his eyes again. Maybe he'd been mistaken, maybe he'd been hallucinating, maybe the glare of the lights-

Nope. There she was. It couldn't be anyone else. The revelation confirmed as his sisters looked to see what he was watching and then discretely dispersed. They'd already known. God dammit. How the hell long had this been out in the open? Had she always been she? Why hadn't she told him earlier? How many people knew? He had so many questions. And now he was going to have to confront her to see how many she'd answer.

He glanced out over the dancers and revelmakers, checking the surroundings. It was surprisingly easy to spot Ed among the crowd, drink in hand spinning and laughing-

*plop*

Mustang couldn't actually hear the sound of the pill being dropped into Ed's drink but it was easy to imagine because of how blatantly obvious it was. His focus narrowed to the man trying to stick close to Ed, his target. Is this why FullMetal was here? To hunt dow- Nope. She just took a big swig of that drink. Fantastic. No time to be angry at her now, he'd have to push that to the side for later.

He made motions toward two of the working girls on the sidelines and called them over, explaining the situation.

"That guy again? We've had him arrested repeatedly. It doesn't seem to stick."

Roy frowned, he would make it stick.

The girls hustled off to find whomever was working security tonight. Probably Jim, he was a nice guy, and large enough that Mustang wouldn't need to assist. Which was good, because he had something else to focus on.

Mustang waited a moment, watching as Jim worked his way through the crowd and grabbed the suspect, dragging him to the main exit. Then Roy made his way onto the dance floor and over to Ed. He could see she was already feeling some of the effects of whatever was in the drink because she'd barely even reacted to his presence and was standing and staring at her cup. He reached for it and she let him take it, staring up at him with wide eyes.

"Somethin' wrong withth' water?"

She'd been drinking water? Fuck, how could he have not realised? Her automail leg probably made her a lightweight when it came to any drugs or alcohol. Nevermind she was already tiny.

Ed staggered forward and back, causing Roy to reach out and grab her arm for stability. Her eyes blinked and she leaned in, squinting at him for focus, "Mh'stang? What're you doin- 'ere?"

Ah shit. Was she going to try to fight him?

Then her knees went out and Roy had to think fast to not spill the evidence in one hand or drop Ed with the other. He spun so his back was to her then lifted her partially onto it, dragging her off the dance floor to a booth.

Chris was there in seconds.

"We've got your guy held up outside the front door. I was hoping you could take him in for us, maybe so we don't have to ever see him again. Who's your friend?"

Roy set Ed on the bench seat and moved to the side so his Aunt could see. "FullMetal, meet my Aunt Chris."

Ed fell back onto the vinyl seating.

Chris raised an eyebrow, "Ah. Yes. Miss Elric. The one you're always boasting about." She shot a meaningful glance at him. "You are in so much trouble."

Roy silently agreed. Then shook the thoughts out of his head when Chris verbally prodded him into action. "Do you want us to keep her here while you go deal with him?"

"Actually, it might have more impact if i bring her with me." A plan was forming in his mind. "Could you see if you can get the remainder of this pill out of the drink and seal it up for me? I'll need to submit it as evidence."

His Aunt nodded and marched off with the cup.

He grabbed Ed's wrist and hefted her forward and up into a sitting position. He needed as much of her attention as he could get.

"Hey! Ed! You ok with everyone knowing you're a woman?"

Her eyes didn't open but the drunk-like gurgling sounded very similar to "Yes, i'm wearing a bra obviously you jackass" so he went with it. He lifted her up, all the way up, so she was sitting on his forearm. Then wrapped her legs around his waist, her arms around his shoulders, and positioned her forehead in his neck. If he could get her comfortably secured there, he'd be able to use his free hand to get their date-rapist the two blocks around the corner to the local police station.

If Ed's luck tonight was bad, then maybe his would be good.

Miraculously it worked. After a bit of shuffling he had Ed snug against him with one hand, and by holding the perp by the cuffs and hair at the same time with the other, was able to walk everyone slowly down the street.

Easy peasy-

Roy's knees suddenly tried to buckle and only an amazing amount of self-control kept him walking. "Ed." He cleared his throat. "Could you not bite me right now?"

"Mmm. 's lat'r ok?"

That was seriously going to depend on how much later. He wasn't actually a jackass in all aspects of life.

Oh thank god, they'd reached the station.

Roy almost stumbled again at the door as Ed latched herself onto his neck and started to suck. He stifled a groan. This was the first circle of his own personal hell; beautiful women attacking him when he wasn't able to do anything about it.

To regain some semblance of control over the situation he threw the date rapist through the entrance of the police station and startled Ed from her attention on his neck.

The cop at the desk looked up as Roy pulled an embroidered glove out of his pocket as a form of ID. He tried not to smirk. They didn't even report to him and the poor man was already saluting.

"Sir!"

He placed the sealed bag with the drug on the desk in front of him. "I need this guy jailed. Attempted date rape. And do you have a medic onsite?"

Two cops appeared from the back room and dragged the suspect off while Mustang set Ed in a chair to the side. It looked like this was going to require a bit of paperwork. He grimaced. Second circle.

"Uhh, General Mustang Sir. Was this woman physically attacked or just drugged?"

Roy's head snapped up and he glared. This conversation better not be going where he thought it was.

The desk sergeant started mumbling, "It's just that if the only crime is putting something in a drink then we can't keep him here too long because we can't prove intention."

Roy levelled the idiot with his most intimidating frown, making sure his voice was in the soothing tone that Riza had told him was more effective at striking fear into those around him than the gloves themselves. "Officer, this woman is the FullMetal Alchemist." The officer paled. "So if we can get a medic here to take a blood sample then I can start with charges of assault and attempted kidnapping. While YOU gather more witnesses and evidence to hopefully keep him locked up for a while longer… so i don't have to come back here."

His glare was met with enthusiastic nodding and Mustang went back to finishing the paperwork. Pausing only when he realised he didn't know Ed's real name. He went and fished Ed's wallet out of her very tight front pants pocket. Name: Edaline Elric. That was pretty cute actually. Birthdate, 1895.

… not 1899?

Interesting.

He completed the forms, signing his name at the bottom before handing them over. Then, ignoring the salute from the desk sergeant, he turned and crouched down in front of Ed just as the medic arrived. He did a check to verify her pulse was steady and opened her eyes to check dilation. Then a quick blood sample was taken and Roy was left with instructions to keep her hydrated and to let her sleep it off. Which sounded easy but now he had to figure out what to do with a drugged Edaline Elric. Roy sighed and picked her up, a task that was much easier now that he wasn't fighting a rapist with the other hand.

He got them through the door and outside before Ed wrapped her self around him. Her head back in his neck, "Take me home Roy."

Dear God what had he done to deserve this?

Wait, she wasn't slurring. His eyes narrowed. "Yours or mine?"

Ed giggled and then bit him, his left hand shot out for balance against the wall and his right tightened around her.

"Ed i swear to god if you do that again i'm handcuffing you to your bed until morning."

It was meant to make her blush and shut her up, he was completely unprepared for her response, whispered right next to his ear.

"Yes please."

Fuck.

He was definitely in trouble, and he was going straight to hell for thinking the things he was thinking about his young (not that young), drugged (definitely recovering), employee (quitting soon, unless he fired her first).

His feet had apparently made their own decision as he turned in the direction of Ed's apartment. She was the one nibbling on his neck. How unfair was that?

Besides, he could work with this. He was adaptable, and patient, and had time. Time and handcuffs. And tomorrow off.