AUTHOR NOTES: There are hotlines everywhere. Free. message me if you want me to find yours. i will gladly help.

!-!-!-!-!

Ed felt shitty and alone and forlorn and abandoned. Things she figured were justified after her best friend / sibling / other half of her soul had run off and married her only other best friend.

At least she wasn't supporting his body at the gate anymore and didn't have to feel bad that her appetite had started to decline. Which started, coincidentally or not, right after the wedding. It was just easier to not wake up anymore. What was the point? She'd lost her family and she was right back to where she'd been before Mustang had found her at Granny's. Minus the wheelchair. Though the way her right arm was feeling, it might just reject her and she'd be back at square one anyway. Plus it would give her an excuse to see Al and Winry and get a new arm, if they had time for her.

Ed heard her phone ringing, like it did every day at this time when she didn't show up for work. She couldn't muster the effort to glare at it. Why even go? She could alchemize anything into existence she needed. Except food… if she ever felt like eating. The ringing stopped. Good. She could get back to sleep. The one thing left that was enjoyable, where her dreams catered to her wants. She had a family in her dreams.

!-

A rustling sound worked its way into her subconscious and pulled her out of her dreams. Her eyes blinked the room into focus and she saw she was in the hospital with an IV in her arm, Mustang reading a newspaper on the chair to her right.

What was happening?

Did she care?

She didn't. She pulled the IV from her arm and fell back asleep.

Her next venture into consciousness wasn't any better.

Was she still here? Wherever here was, it felt like a hospital. She winced at the bright lights overhead. Her head hurt, both her arms hurt, and now they wouldn't move. She felt like she should care about this. From the corner of her eye she could see Mustang was still here reading the paper, and that the IV had switched arms. She tried to glare at it. She didn't need this, she needed sleep. Hospitals were terrible for sleeping. She tried to move her arms again and groaned at the dull ache.

Mustang didn't look up from his paper. "I had them restrain you because of that stunt you pulled earlier."

If she could find the energy to be angry… she wanted to be angry. Or at the very least, thought she should be because of something or other. She turned to look at him, but instead of summoning any emotion she retreated with her thoughts back inside her head.

Mustang dragged her back to the present before she got too far, "I'm booking a therapist for you. She specialises in grief from post-partum and disabilities."

Ed tested out her voice, cracking just a little. "I got my arm BACK Mustang. I'm less disabled."

Roy finally looked up from his reading, watching her carefully. "The doctor says you're missing some essential organs for having kids."

Ed felt like she'd been stabbed in the heart. Squeezing her eyes shut. Her ovaries AND uterus were removed together, in exchange for Al. A package deal so there weren't any transplant options. She didn't regret it. Still didn't. Al had life, and that's what mattered. She just didn't have Al. Or anyone. And no one would want her now that she was defective. Broken. Garbage.

Suddenly her cheek stung with the force of a slap and her eyes shot open as she gasped in air.

Mustang was towering over her, "Breathe Ed. I'm not doing CPR on you twice in the same fucking week."

Twice? As in, he did before? She wanted to rub her cheek but her hands were still restrained. His face softened and he moved away, returning to his chair and newspaper. His hands were shaking slightly and she could see his eyes weren't focussed on their task. Why was he paying attention to her breathing?

She turned away, "When's Al coming?" She was in the hospital right? Al always showed up when she was in the hospital.

"I didn't call him."

Another knife. She tried to choke back the sob. "Why?"

"Because I'm not rewarding your attempted suicide Edward." she flinched at her fake name. "More than that though, do you really want him here? Do you want him to know you are willing to throw your life away? Without calling him? That you care so little for him that you'd go behind his back and do this?"

Stop.

"What would you do if he did the same thing? Can you imagine that Ed? Imagine your little brother goes off into the big city and suddenly you hear he killed himself and you knew nothing! What would you do? He'd be gone, without even giving you a chance to save his life."

Stop.

"After all, he was with his friends in the big city wasn't he? There were other people there and you know he wouldn't do something like that. Never. And even if something so insane as that entered his brain, surely he'd call you. Surely he wouldn't let the police show up at your door with no note and a pile of his stuff. Surely he loves you enough that he would ask you for your help."

Stop! She'd closed her eyes in an attempt to shut him out but she could hear his voice shift as he moved around. She wanted to curl up and hide from him. Every question was another spike of pain. She felt a warm cloth wiping her tears away.

"So he doesn't know?"

"Oh he fucking knows. He called the office as I was here filling out the forms and Hawkeye told him where we were and he freaked out. She gave him the hospital number and i spoke to him right after you were admitted. He'll be here in a few days."

"Days?"

"Days Ed. Because you need time to figure out what you're going to say to him. How are you going to explain that he means so little to you, that we all mean so little to you, that you didn't even consider how this would impact us?"

"Like you care."

She'd whispered, but he'd heard. The silence hung long enough that Ed started to feel uneasy. She knew she was wrong even as the words had left her mouth. There were too many signs, too many instances where he'd given himself away that she couldn't ignore. She could write off him going to her apartment because she didn't answer the phone, she could write off bringing her to the hospital. But not that he stayed. Watched while she slept.

He was still here. And visibly upset. Visibly. Mustang was never visibly anything. Except maybe smug.

"I'm sorry."

"Actions are louder than words Ed."

"I didn't really mean to end up here. I just… stopped"

Roy looked her over, wiping the years from her face again. He looked as defeated as she felt.

"That's a start i guess." He sat back down. "Keep trying."

"Keep trying what?"

"To live. To apologise. To move forward. All the same thing."

"What if i don't want to?"

Roy huffed a laugh to himself, "Well then you're not going to like the offer i made Alphonse."

!-

Ed stood in her living room, still weak from the hospital, watching as Al threw all her belongings out the large window into a truck.

"I can take care of myself."

Toss.

"I won't do it again."

Toss.

"Al. I'm sorry. Don't make me do this."

He tossed the last chair and spun toward her. "No. Because ... just no. Fuck you sister. This is the third time. Third strike and you're out. I can't believe you'd do this again! Just give your life up like it was nothing, like you'd rather die instead of talking to me or letting me help. Do i just remind you of our mistakes? Is that why you despise me?"

"I don't -!"

"Don't fucking lie to me! You were willing to give up your life, for nothing. AGAIN!"

"It's diff-"

"It's NOT different! It's EXACTLY the same. Except now you're lying to yourself that you've got it under control. Maybe this is my fault, you were parenting me while we were travelling and you had no rules for yourself. Maybe you need someone strict to keep an eye on you for a while. You're lucky he even volunteered."

"Al no. Please."

"Ed. I can't watch this again. I can't watch you fall into self loathing like you did at Granny's after we tried to bring back mom. I can't watch you accept death as you sit on the ground in front of Scar waiting for him to blast your brains across the pavement. Each time you ignored me, ignored how much i wanted to see you live, how angry i was at you for even thinking of letting it end like that. Each time i had to watch as Mustang showed up in the nick of time and saved your dumb ass. And now it's happened again. You're breaking my heart and you haven't learned a damn thing. I feel like you're smashing my heart and brain and i can barely breathe it hurts so much. You're so selfish, how dare you fight me on this. How DARE you…"

He turned away, stepping toward Winry waiting off to the side. Ed watched as they held each other. She'd done this. She was the one driving the wedge between her and them, not Winry, not the marriage. Her.

What had she done?

She stood in silent self loathing as Roy left his place by the door and went over to Alphonse. They exchanged words and paperwork then Mustang dragged her from the room, away from Al.

She could hear Winry comforting him, "She can fix this Al. She can be in our lives. She knows we want her in our lives, it's only her standing in the way. And the General knows what to watch for, he's lived through this. He'll keep her safe."