Gosh I've been in such a funk. Hope it doesn't show in my writing.

Title Song: "Funny Girl" from the musical "Funny Girl"

It was expected for a club to be empty in the morning, but the spotlessness told Alastor that no one had been into this particular club for a long time. See, having no messy customers to deal with allowed for ample time to clean.

Sure enough, there was Mimzy, polishing already sparkling clean glasses at the bar.

"Mimzy!" Alastor gave a dramatic wave. "How's my favorite flapper gal?"

The club owner's eyes widened. "If this is about the rent, just give me till the end of the week."

"I'll do you one better!" he said, leaning his elbow onto the counter. "I'll forgive the rent this month, if you do me one eensy, weensy, little favor for me!"

"Oh no ya don't." Mimzy slammed down the glass she'd been wiping. "I ain't doing no more favors for you. Not after ya screwed Tina over."

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "I don't know how much Tina told you, but I did nothing to her."

"Oh, yeah?" She placed her hands on her hips. "Then why did she come crying to me asking for a place to stay?"

"We had a quarrel." He sat down and snapped his fingers, filling one of the freshly cleaned glasses with liquor. "It was she who decided to move out." He took a gulp. "Did she even tell you why we were fighting?"

"No." Mimzy wagged a finger. "But I knew ya weren't respecting her wishes and following her everywhere to the point she couldn't even concentrate onstage!"

So, Tina hadn't told Mimzy. That was a relief. Alastor had only ever told the full story to Husk and had made him swear on his hand not to tell.

"And thanks to you," Mimzy went on, gesturing to the bare stage, "I lost my best evening act! Do ya know how hard it's been to keep this place afloat without someone to engage the modern youth?"

"Well," Alastor said, setting down his empty glass, "you'll be happy to know the favor I had in mind will not only help me, but boost your business! See, I've been doing some charity work—"

"Yeah, I heard." She slid the glass from him. "That drunken video of yours is all over the news."

"Fine." He snapped himself another glass of liquor. "So you know about the hotel."

"Did you just magic that outta nothing or is that from my supply?"

"You owe me rent, remember?" he said, taking a sip. "Anyway, the Hazbin Hotel is hosting a little get-together on Valentine's Day, and we had you in mind to headline the event. Of course, there will be a few side acts from the staff, but you will be the star! You can advertise your club, and I'll pay you double what you owe me!

"What do you say, Mimzy?" He batted his eyes. "For old times' sake?"

She shook her head. "I ain't falling for that smolder of yours again. It was bad enough ya played with my feelings. Ya had to go and play with Tina's?"

"Ah, yes. Tina." Alastor examined his gloved fingernails. "Did I forget to mention this was her idea?"

Mimzy's face fell in surprise. "Tina's at the Princess's hokey hotel?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

She had the expression of someone trying to do very difficult math. "And you two are…back together?"

"Well, not quite." He rolled his wrist. "At the very least, we're on speaking terms."

Mimzy crossed her arms. "What one-sided deal did you get her roped into this time?"

"First of all," Alastor said, holding up a finger, "Tina and I are, and have always been, equal partners in this relationship. Secondly, the deal we're currently on was her suggestion. Thirdly, Mimzy, all you need to know is that my wife and I are both working with the Princess. So, if you won't do this for me, at least do this for Tina. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see you."
The Radio Demon definitely knew how to negotiate, especially with someone he'd known since the Roaring Twenties. No matter how much of a fight Mimzy put up, she just couldn't say no to him.

"Could I come by later today to discuss show details?"

Alastor's grin widened. "Whenever you're free!"

He held out his hand. The room flooded with green light.

"Do we have to shake on it?" Mimzy shouted over the wind.

"If you want to ensure I'll keep my word on forgiving your rent!"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine."

Mimzy clasped her hand with his, locking them in the deal.

"Splendid!" Alastor sprang to his feet. "See you after lunch?"

"I'll be there."

Just as he was walking out the door, Mimzy called, "Oh, and Al?"

He turned back. "Yes?"

Mimzy gave him a stern look. "If ya really wanna patch things up with Tina, don't be an idiot like ya were when you proposed."

Alastor cocked his head. "Meaning…?"

She wagged a finger. "Don't treat your marriage like a business venture."

The Radio Demon opened his mouth to argue, but knew Mimzy was right. On their wedding day, Tina had expressed her displeasure of their relationship stemming from a deal. That had certainly put an awkward wall between them the first few years.

But if Alastor couldn't be romantic, or professional with his wife, what was he supposed to be?

"For the last time, Angel," Vaggie said. "You cannot do a strip tease at the party!"

Onstage, Angel pouted as he slid his skirt back up. "What about a pole dance?"

"No."

"Fan dance?"

"No!"

Angel pointed. "Ya let those creepy twins dance with fans!"

"They were reenacting the 'Sisters' number from White Christmas. And in case you haven't noticed, their clothes are still on!"

He placed his lower hands on his hips. "Oh, so them touchin' each other erotically is okay, but when I do it, it's inappropriate?"

Vaggie smacked her face with her clipboard.

She and Charlie had been watching auditions in the ballroom for half an hour, with Tina providing accompaniment on the piano. While some acts had been tasteful, others were what one would unfortunately expect from former sex workers.

Well, in Angel's case, current sex worker.

"Maybe you can showcase your talent in some other way that's less," Charlie said, biting her lip, "promiscuous?"

"Hey." Angel gestured to his tight clothes. "This is all I know, toots."

Tina pointed to his skirt. "Why don't ya do something with the crossdressing? Ya know, dress up like one of your favorite female singers and do a cover song?"

"That's…" Vaggie lowered her clipboard. "Not a bad idea, actually."

"Can you sing, Angel?" Charlie asked.

He huffed. "Can I sing?" Crossing his upper arms, he glanced at Tina. "Know any Britney Spears, doll?"

"I'm somewhat familiar," Tina replied.

He snapped his fingers. "'Oops! I Did It Again.' A-sharp minor. From the chorus."

Tina nodded and started a measure before. Angel spread his arms out and got right into it:

"Oops, I did it again.
I played with your heart."

He brought his lower hands to his chest, his upper ones smoothing back his hair. "Got lost in the game."

He dropped to his knees. "Oh baby, baby."

Angel sprang back up. "Oops, you think I'm in love."

Bringing his upper wrists together, he flapped his hands like wings. "That I'm sent from above."

Then he wagged his lower fingers. "I'm not that innocent."

Charlie got up from her seat and clapped. "That was wonderful, Angel!"

Vaggie made a mark on her clipboard and muttered, "It'll do."

Other contestants and curious observers applauded from their collapsible chairs. Color decorated Angel's white cheeks as he bowed.

"You wouldn't have trouble putting a costume together, would you?" Charlie asked.

"You kidding?" Angel ran a hand through his hair as he stepped offstage. "I got enough wigs to fill the cancer ward."

"Alright, who's next?" Vaggie lifted the page on her clipboard. "Oh, no."

"What?" Charlie flipped her own page. "Oh, next up is Alastor!"

Tina's hands dropped onto the keyboard with a clang. The person in question then materialized behind her.

"Why so surprised, dear?" He chuckled as she spun around. "Didn't you say this little showcase was open to all staff members?"

Tina opened her mouth to argue, then remembered their deal, and sighed. "What song?"

"Oh, that won't be necessary," he said, walking downstage. "I'm not singing."

The Songbat raised an eyebrow. "Then what are you doing?"

Instead of answering her, Alastor summoned his mic and smiled big at his small audience. "Hello, fellow thespians! I've got a question for you all! What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?"

Vaggie and Charlie shared a glance, the latter replying, "Uh I don't kn—?"

"Reali-tea! Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

There was a cymbal crash and laughs, none of which coming from the actual audience. Tina facepalmed.

Why did she have to be married to a man with the worst sense of humor?

"Want to know why nurses like red crayons?" Alastor asked.

Angel groaned from his seat. "Why?"

"Sometimes they have to draw blood! Ah-ha-ha!"

He was met with a sea of blank stares, but went on.

"So, two demons walked into a bar. The third one ducked!"

Charlie snorted and received an incredulous look from Vaggie.

"Anyway, this hotel has me thinking of taking up meditation," Alastor said as he walked across the stage. "It's better than sitting around and doing nothing! Ha-ha-ha!"

"Fucking Christ." Angel pulled at his hair.

"Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless!"

The Dicto twins covered their earholes.

"I'd tell you a joke about time-traveling, but you guys didn't like it!"

"No shit we didn't!" Proxy called.

"Get off the stage, ya fucking hack!" Angel shouted.

"Wait a moment, I've got more!" Alastor said. "Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift!"

"Uh, Al." Charlie put a hand to her head. "That's enough. You can stop now."

He didn't stop. "What did the baker say when he won an award? 'It was a piece of cake!'"

Vaggie sent Tina a pleading look. The bat nodded and stood from the piano.

"What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato!"

Tina grabbed Alastor by the shoulder and turned him towards her. "The hell do ya think you're doing?"

"Telling jokes, dear! Thought that was obvious!" He faced the audience again. "Why couldn't the couple respond right away while looking at wedding venues? They were engaged!"

Groaning, Tina stepped up and snatched the mic. "How is it ya know so many dad jokes when ya don't have any kids?"

"Easy!" He took the mic back. "I'm a faux pa!"

"Knock it off, Al." She touched the mic again and it became a game of tug-of-war. "These jokes stink more than Husk's breath after a hangover."

Angel Dust snorted.

"Oh?" Alastor yanked the mic towards him. "And I suppose you could do better?"

Tina tugged it back. "A funeral director could do better."

Vaggie snickered.

"Ha!" Alastor threw back his head. "Without me, those stiffs wouldn't have had any business!"

"Without you," Tina said, "half of New Orleans would still have their vital organs."

"Oh, please. Those fools were heartless long before I got to them!"

With all her strength, Tina pulled the mic out of his grasp. "Ya've had your time. Now get off this stage before I conk ya on the head with this here mic!"

"Tina!" Alastor held up his hands. "You'll ruin the equipment!"

"I'm assumin' ya mean the mic, since this thing," she said, reaching up to tap the space between his eyes, "obviously ain't workin' if it's cookin' up these puns that are so corny, I could plant a whole field of 'em!"

The sound of laughter caused Tina to momentarily forget her anger. It wasn't coming from the mic this time. She turned to the audience in bewilderment.

"I, uh…" She wrung her hands around the staff. "I was, uh…"

"What were you saying about my brain, dear?" Alastor asked innocently.

She glanced back at him as he batted his eyes, wearing an impish grin. Then she realized she was holding the microphone up to her mouth, standing onstage, telling jokes. For the first time in years.

"Sorry." Tina shoved the mic back into Alastor's hands. "I'll just go and—"

"Aw, come on, doll!" Angel called. "Shit was just gettin' good!"

Everyone else cheered in agreement. Tina was frozen to the spot, blushing. Alastor tilted the mic towards her. She met his gaze.

"Might as well give them what they want," he whispered.

Then Tina knew. He'd planned this from the beginning. He'd told those awful dad jokes just to get her onstage. He had known she wouldn't resist the urge to roast him.

With a sigh, Tina accepted the mic. Then she placed a hand on her hip and darted her eyes at Angel.

"Who ya callin' a doll?" She moved her arm in a robotic fashion. "I'm clearly an action figure. Ya ever seen Barbie bend like this?"

Tina reached down and touched her toes. Those who'd died past 1959 burst out laughing.

"And last I checked," Tina said, straightening up, "I was anatomically correct. Up here." She cupped her breast. "And down there."

She pointed downward, then frowned. "Actually, wait a minute."

Turning from the audience, she lifted her skirt and peered down.

"Yup." Tina faced them again. "No plastic underwear fused to my crotch."

Niffty raised her hand. "Who's Barbie?"

"Right." Tina pointed to her. "Forgot half of y'all weren't around for the onslaught of toys promotin' mental illness. And by that, I mean causing it." She listed items off her fingers. "Anorexia, dysmorphia, bulimia. All cuz some guy thought it'd be fun to fill girls' heads with unrealistic expectations for their bodies.

"I mean really." She gave an exaggerated shrug. "Who wants a body that can't even bend its arms?"

Tina demonstrated by swirling her free, straight arm around like a propeller. Even those who'd never heard of Barbie snickered at how goofy she looked.

"I mean why do girls gotta be pressured to be perfect?" Tina asked. "Perfect bod, perfect smile, perfect cooking, perfect cleaning?"

All the ladies booed in outrage.

"And why? Just so we can get a man?"

"No!" cried the crowd.

"Yeah!" Niffty cheered.

Everyone else looked at her in concern.

"Okay, so who am I to judge?" Tina gestured to Alastor. "After all, I married one of the richest studs in Hell."

Nobody laughed at this. They were expecting another argument to break out.

Instead, Alastor widened his grin and stepped up to her side. "Don't say I couldn't provide for you, dear."

"No kidding. With the big house, fancy jewels." Tina muttered, "Knew I should've signed that prenup."

"Ha-ha!" He ruffled her hair. "Turned out to be a gold-digger after all, didn't you?"

She pushed him back. "We're in Hell, whaddya want from me?"

The crowd exchanged confused murmurs.

"This part of the show or they still fighting?" Angel asked.

"No, no, this is good." Niffty squealed and clapped her hands. "Playful banter means they're making progress. Ooh, they'll finally be making those beautiful babies!"

Angel raised an eyebrow. "Whaddya talkin' 'bout, toots? Sinners can't—"

"Excuse my husband's display of idiocy, folks," Tina said from the stage. "I'd say he was a better lover than a comedian, but…" There was a flash of sadness in her eyes as she glanced Alastor's way. "Well, the expensive gifts were fun while they lasted."

"My pleasure, dear! However, this," Alastor said, taking back his mic, "was not a gift!"

"Ugh, men." She spread out her wings. "Always tryin' to clip my wings. Well, I've taken up enough of everyone's time anyway." She took an unladylike bow. "Goodnight, bitches, y'all been terrible!"

The reaction was delayed, but everyone clapped. Alastor's clapping was the loudest.

Now that is the Tina I remember.

"That was," Vaggie said, "um, interesting."

"You mentioned being a comedienne," Charlie said, "but I didn't realize just how funny you were, Tina! You've got to do an act for the Valentine's Day party!"

"Oh." Tina put her hands behind her back. "I, uh, don't think my style of comedy would be…appropriate for this kind of event."

"That's fine," Charlie said. "You could just sing a song instead! We already know you have a lovely voice! Maybe you could do a duet with Alastor!"

Alastor opened his mouth.

"Bad idea," Tina said.

His smile dropped an inch.

"Well you've gotta sing something." Charlie pouted. "I mean what's the point of having the Songbat at a party if she's not gonna sing a song?"

"It would show your seriousness of endorsing this hotel," Vaggie said. "On top of that, you're really good."

Tina glanced around at the demons awaiting her answer, Alastor especially. She wanted to say no, but how could she with all these all these expectant faces ganging up on her?

Besides, her heart was still beating from the adrenaline of that improvised performance.

"Okay." Tina held up a finger. "One song."

"Wonderful!" Charlie applauded.

"Excuse me." Alastor stepped in front of Tina. "What about me?"

"Oh, Al, uh…" Charlie bit her lip. "Those jokes were…something else. But, uh, maybe you should just sing instead?"

He sighed. "I suppose a solo performance wouldn't be a bother."

He would've preferred another chance to perform with his wife, but at least he'd gotten her onstage again. And he could still use this opportunity to his advantage.

"Alright," Vaggie said. "Let's move this along. We've got a few more auditions."

Tina went back to the piano while Alastor hopped offstage, but not before sending her a wink. This time, she gave no scowl in return.

That husband of hers had always been a sly devil. Tricking her into opening up or pulling out of her funk or putting on a show against her will. It was his way of being supportive.

Even now, when they were on the brink of breaking up forever, he was still out to advance her in whatever way possible. And to lift her spirits.

Once again, the sweet memories of those early years crept their way into her mind.

It was a rather hot day in Hell when Alastor came home to find his wife sitting on the front porch in a purple tube top and jean shorts. He didn't like seeing her in such revealing attire, but considering how hot it was, how her fur made it worse, and that she could wear few types of clothing with those wings, he didn't comment. However, it was odd that she was outside in this sweltering heat.

Tina sprang up when she saw him. "You're back! Thank goodness. I've been waitin' out here for hours."

The fluttering of her wings and the brightness in her smile caused Alastor to raise an eyebrow. "Alright, what do you not want me to see?"

She tilted her head. "Whaddya mean?"

"You appear…perky. And you usually meet me inside the house. It's suspicious." He rubbed his chin. "Did you set the kitchen on fire or something?"

"No, Al. Nothing's wrong." Swinging her arms behind her back, she rocked herself from her heels to the balls of her feet. "I just have a little surprise for ya. Close your eyes."

"Okay," he said warily, "but this better not be another ploy to touch my tail."

He covered his eyes, wondering what Tina was up to.

"Okay!" he heard her say. "You can open 'em up now!"

He lowered his hands from his eyes. Tina was no longer there. Alastor scanned his surroundings.

"Tina?"

"Up here!"

Alastor looked up and gasped. There she was, flapping her enormous wings, hovering above.

He smacked the side of his head. "Nuh-uh!"

Tina laughed. "Yuh-huh!"

He looked her over. "You're not transformed!"

"I know!" She gestured to her wings. "Husk's lessons have really been payin' off! Check this out!"

She flew backwards and did a loop de loop. Halfway through, her wings got caught in an updraft and she had to flap hard to regain her balance. Her head wobbled from dizziness.

"Still workin' on that," she said.

"Ah-ha!" Grabbing her by the foot, Alastor yanked her into his arms and spun her around. "I knew you could do it, sweetheart! This calls for a celebration!"

He stopped and locked gaze with her. "How's about I whip you up a batch of peach cobbler? Ooh! And I know the perfect chardonnay to go with it!"

Tina chuckled. "Ya really spoil me sometimes."

"And why wouldn't I?" He set her down and pinched her cheeks. "My funny little girl is finally becoming a demon!"

Alastor raced into the house, leaving Tina flabbergasted by his remark. She rubbed her sore cheeks as she followed him inside.

Their relationship had always been nuanced. They weren't romantic, yet whenever something big happened to Tina, Alastor was the first person she wanted to tell, and he often shared in her excitement. Then he'd go and do something demeaning like pinch her cheeks, treating her more like a child than a wife.

It made sense. After all, Alastor was technically sixty years older than her. Had he lived past his thirties and met her up top, he would've been an old man and her a child. More likely to adopt her than marry her.

Maybe it was for the best that he treated her this way. With no love between them, this was as close as they could get to real affection. And it wasn't terrible that he was acting like a father whose daughter had just gotten straight A's in school.

All the same, Tina wasn't exactly looking for a father figure.

"Ah, so you didn't burn it down!" Alastor said when they got to the kitchen.

Tina smirked. "Told ya."

Humming a tune, the Radio Demon took off his jacket, tied back his hair, rolled up his sleeves and put on his apron. Tina wondered if her own father might've gone through a similar routine to prepare food, had he not died in the Birmingham Campaign.

"Hey, Al?"

"Yes, darling?" Alastor said as he began assembling the ingredients.

"Are you," she said, glancing down at her feet, "happy right now?"

He turned to her, showing his ever-present smile. "Is that not obvious?"

"I mean why are you so happy?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" He set down a can of peaches and approached her. "You've been trying to strengthen those wings of yours for years. I'm happy to see how far you've come in your goals. Not to mention…"

Taking her chin, he lifted her face towards his. "How nice it always is to see a genuine smile on you."

"So," she murmured, "this ain't an act then?"

She could never really tell with him.

"When the world is watching," Alastor replied, "it is an act. When it's only you, chère, it never is." He took her by the shoulders. "I'm truly proud of you, Tina."

Then he planted a soft kiss on her forehead. Since that fateful stormy night, he'd been showing small signs of physical affection more frequently. She didn't mind it so much, as it was never more than a peck on the cheek, head or hand. But each time, it never stopped feeling surreal.

"Now," Alastor said, straightening up, "why don't you grab an apron and join me, hmm?"

Tina smiled and did just that.

Perhaps they weren't romantic. Perhaps their relationship wasn't quite platonic, or even familial. And yet, it was in times like this, when they were open with, comfortable with, and supportive of each other, that it felt like they were truly husband and wife.

It would be SO much easier to write Mimzy, if I had some clue as to what she talked like!