So, two reasons why this fanfic has been on hiatus for almost two months.
One, I was working on a Halloween AU featuring Alastor and my OC Tina. Took longer than I thought.
Two, I was discouraged from working on this fic after some...less than flattering reviews that made me lose confidence in my writing. The conclusion I made is that I chose not to make this a fluffy romantic piece, but an angsty emotional rollercoaster about a married couple with complex problems and serious flaws that are not going to be resolved so easily, and not every reader is going to be happy about that. And I'm not going to change my direction just because one or two readers think it should go in a different one. I know my characters' psyches, and am going to stick to my instincts from now on.
That said...
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SEXUAL ASSAULT, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, SPOUSAL ABUSE, RACISM, SEXISM, AND PTSD!
I know these things have already shown up, but this chapter is so heavy, I myself had to take a breather in writing it.
Title Song: "Monster" by Skillet
"Tina?" Alastor called to the other side of the bed.
"Yeah?"
"This is ridiculous."
Tina rolled over. "What?"
He propped himself onto his elbow. "We slept in the same bed for close to ten years. There shouldn't have to be a wall of pillows between us."
He gestured to her makeshift barricade.
"If the wall bothers ya so much," Tina said, sitting up, "why not just split the bed in two with your magic? Or at least put another bed in here? The armchair's also available."
"Because if you get a panic attack, I want to be right by your side to help you through it."
"You can afford to be a few feet away."
He sat up and crossed his arms. "Well I don't wish to be."
She scowled. "Whatever happened to that five-foot rule of yours?"
"You became an exception to the rule the moment we said our vows. Not to mention you were the one who first invited me into your bed. On a stormy night like this, if I recall."
As if on cue, lightning flashed, and Tina flinched. "We're never gonna get any sleep this way."
She threw off the covers and hopped out of bed.
"Where are you going?"
"To make a cup of tea."
Alastor got up and followed her into the kitchen. She'd found the kettle and was filling it in the sink.
"You don't have to go through all that," he said. "I can just snap you up a cup."
She held up a hand. "I need to keep myself busy."
Thunder rumbled, and the kettle shook in her hand as she placed it on the stove. While waiting for the water to boil, she searched the cupboards, and brought down a teacup and saucer. Before she could look for chamomile flowers, Alastor handed the box to her.
"Thanks."
She opened a drawer next to the stove. He immediately picked out the tea strainer.
"Surprised ya have all this in here." Tina accepted the strainer and placed it on the cup. "You don't even like tea."
"No, but you do," he said. "I never lost hope that you'd come by, so I keep these things handy, just in case."
"That the same reason ya keep one of my nightgowns in your underwear drawer?"
Alastor blushed. "Can you blame me for wanting to keep a piece of you close by?"
She shook her head. "Anyone ever tell ya you're a sentimental old fool?"
Her tone was not bitter, but teasing. Much like she used to sound during their playful banter. It put less strain on his grin.
"Old, yes. Sentimental, no. As for fool, only by you, dear."
She released a snort of laughter, then cleared her throat. She could not deny the familiar feeling of this scenario. The two of them in the kitchen, in their nightwear, teasing each other without a shred of malice. It was just so easy to be herself around him.
Even so, that nagging voice in the back of her mind refused to be silent.
You're a treacherous slut. You don't deserve to be this happy.
The thought echoed along with the thunder. She wrapped her arms around herself, massaging the oncoming goosebumps.
Alastor watched with a heavy heart as Tina's mirth vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. Though she tried to put on a brave face, the storm was unnerving her.
Luckily, he knew just the thing to lift her spirits.
"How did that song go again? The one you used to calm yourself?" He tapped his temple. "Ah, yes!"
Leaning beside her ear, he softly sang, "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens."
Tina took a step from him, but sang the next line. "Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens."
He snatched up her hand and twirled her as they sang together:
"Brown paper packages tied up with strings.
These are a few of my favorite things."
She cracked a smile. "I didn't think ya paid attention when I sang that."
"I always pay attention, chère. It is quite impossible to do otherwise." He held her gaze. "You're so captivating."
The kettle whistled, and Tina realized that Alastor was still holding her hand. She yanked it back, turned off the stove, and scooped the tea strainer into the chamomile box.
He sighed. "Why is it whenever I try to bring us closer, you push me away?"
She poured the hot water into the cup. "Don't act like I'm the only one who's pushed anyone away."
"What do you mean?"
She gave him an incredulous look as she set the kettle down. "Ain't got enough fingers and toes to count the times you've pushed me out of bed."
"That's different."
"How?" She picked up her cup. "How is that different?"
"For one thing," Alastor said, raising a finger, "I'm not asking you to sleep with me."
She gestured to the bedroom with a questioning shrug.
"You know what I mean. All I'm trying to do is get closer to you."
"I was tryin' to get closer to ya too."
"Sex isn't the only form of intimacy, darling."
"I know that. But ya still haven't explained to me why ya had to push me away every time I so much as suggested it."
"I told you," he said steadily. "I wasn't ready."
"Well, I'm not ready either." She took a big gulp of her tea, not caring that it burned her tongue. "I'm not even sure I'm ready for us to share a bed again."
Alastor narrowed his eyes. "You don't have to be here, you know. As you said, you've braved the storm alone before."
Her teacup jolted with the next roll of the thunder. "I…I just wanna try. Really, I do. But we've been apart for so long, that I'm afraid…"
She trailed off.
"Afraid of what?" Alastor asked.
"Nothing." Her tea was half empty when she set it down. "I'm going back to bed. You coming?"
His claws flexed behind his back. "You certain you want me there?"
"Okay, I deserve that." Tina walked to the door, then paused. "It's not that I wanna be like this, Al. After all I've gone through, you understand why this is…hard for me, right?"
Alastor was eerily quiet.
"You can come join me when you're ready."
Once the bedroom door was shut, the Radio Demon fell forward and gripped the counter, his claws digging into the marble. It was all he could do to keep himself from exploding.
How was it that even when she was near, she was still out of reach? That wall she'd put up refused to crumble, not just the one made of pillows.
What more could he do? What was there left to try? The patience he prided himself in was nearly at its limit.
Lightning flooded the room, and something glinted out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head towards the knife block.
With a practiced, calculative hand, Alastor slid the carving knife out of its sheath. Static hummed as he gave the blade a turn, inspecting it from all angles.
Clean and sharp, just how he preferred it.
There was one method of persuasion the Radio Demon had yet to attempt. The method he resorted to when all other gentlemanly conduct failed. The method that always proved effective.
It would be so easy too. He'd never kill her, of course. Just a threat there, a nick there, and Tina would have no choice but to come back to him.
Or perhaps something less brutal, more dignified. Instead of bothering with a knife, he'd just whisk her back to the manor and lock her in a room until she chose to cooperate.
No more of this redemption nonsense. What did he need to appease the Princess for, when he would have his wife back? It'd be just the two of them, together again, living in blissful matrimony.
Then came the lightning, followed by a yelp from the bedroom. Alastor blinked back to his senses and dropped the knife.
What was he thinking? This wasn't some midnight snack he was dealing with, but his wife. The woman he'd vowed to protect, not torment. She could barely stand the sight of him as it was. He didn't want to imagine how she'd look if he pulled a stunt so cruel. He pounded his fists on his head, punishing himself for allowing the idea to enter his mind. Even his shadow wore a look of disappointment.
The Radio Demon didn't want his wife holding even more resentment. All he wanted was her love, but it was not something he could force.
Besides, he didn't want to go down the same path as him.
The Princess had been right. The Radio Demon was capable of change. Not enough for Heaven, but enough for him to put aside his murderous tendencies for something more wholesome.
He just wanted Tina to smile for him again, to hold him again, to be open with him again.
"And if I am to never know that happiness again," he said to his shadow as he picked up the knife, "I'd take my own life before I take hers."
He slid the knife back into the block and returned to the bedroom. Tina lay in bed with her back to the pillow wall. Alastor climbed in on the other side, propping his pillow so he could peer at her over the barricade.
Despite their separation, the sight of his wife still managed to calm his nerves.
"I don't think you'll ever truly understand how much I adore you, precious." He reached over the wall, his fingers not daring to go past the edge. "Or how difficult it is to hold myself back around you."
Thunder rumbled, causing Tina to shiver in her sleep.
"But don't worry." He rested his cheek on the wall. "When you're ready to come back over to my side, I'll be waiting. Then nothing, not even these pillows, will come between us again."
"Your wife?!"
Ethan shut the door to his office. "Tina, I can explain—"
Tina threw up her arms. "All this time, I thought ya wanted to keep our relationship a secret cuz it was unprofessional. But now I see it's cuz you're married!"
She glared up into his icy blue eyes. Ethan Martin was a foot taller than Tina, older than her by ten years, which showed in his thinning brown hair. But the age and height difference did not stop her from standing her ground.
"Why didn't ya mention her before?"
He crossed his arms. "Didn't wanna kill the mood."
She scoffed. "No kidding. The last thing ya wanna mention to the girl suckin' your dick is your wife."
"You're one to talk. Weren't you two-timing me with that old agent of yours?"
"I broke up with Wilbur for you, cuz you wanted to be exclusive!"
"No, you wanted to be exclusive. I just agreed that you shouldn't see that abusive pig anymore."
She headed for the door. "I've got half a mind to go out there and tell your little wife how much of a pig you are!"
Ethan grabbed her wrist, his eyes holding a dangerous look. "You really wanna ruin my marriage?"
"I didn't know you were married." Tina snatched back her wrist. "You ruined it yourself."
Before she could turn around, Ethan caught her by the shoulders.
"You say one word to her," he warned, "and you're fired."
"Go right ahead." She spat in his face. "I quit!"
He laughed. "And whaddya gonna do then? You've got no agent. Any references from me will do ya no good. Face it, slut. I'm the only thing keeping ya off the streets."
Tina struggled to get out of his grasp. "Let go of me."
"Oh, no. Not until I remind ya who's the boss here."
He spun her around and pushed her into the desk. Outside, it began to storm. Thunder rumbled as office supplies crashed to the floor. Tina tried to escape, but Ethan pinned her down to the desk, wedging his hips between her legs.
Tina knew all too well what he planned to do. It had happened with Wilbur. It had happened with many of her other bosses.
"Have ya lost your mind?" she cried. "Your wife is right out there!"
"I don't wanna hear about that whiny bitch," he said as he undid his belt. "She can't handle it like you, baby."
His chest crushed hers as he bit her neck. Tina started to scream, but he covered her mouth.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" He thrust his, thankfully, concealed groin against her. "I thought you liked it rough."
Honestly, she'd been getting sick of his roughness for a while, but hadn't mentioned it out of fear of losing her job. But now she was utterly terrified. Although she kicked and wriggled, Ethan was much stronger. The thunder pounded along with his pelvic thrusts, practically stabbing her.
Once again, she was helpless to take control.
In desperation, she bit down on his hand. Ethan yelped and released her mouth. But before she could call for help, he slapped her hard.
"I'll do that again if ya don't keep quiet."
Tears blurred Tina's vision.
"Aw, don't gimme that, Tina." His voice took on an insincerely sweet tone as his slid his hand up her thigh and picked at her tights. "You had no problem being my little bitch before. Why should it bother you now, knowing I'm married?"
Then something in her snapped. And with it, came a quality she wished she'd developed sooner.
Self-respect.
As he attempted to remove her pantyhose, Tina patted her hand all around her, searching for a means of defense. Her hands closed around something metal. And heavy.
That ugly paperweight of his. The one shaped like a chameleon. She'd always hated that thing, as it seemed to stare at her with its blank eyes.
She didn't hate it so much anymore.
Before Ethan could touch her panties, Tina swung her arm upward. The metal chameleon cracked against his skull, just as the lightning outside cracked.
Then she hit him again. And again. Screaming all the while.
"Bastard! Asshole! Fucking pig! I hate you! I hate you! I hate—"
At the next flash of lightning, Ethan's face changed. Tina dropped the paperweight.
There, with blood oozing over his broken smile, was Alastor.
"Tina?" said her husband. "Why'd you hurt me, Tina?"
It had been so long since Alastor dreamed of his childhood. Mainly because he tended to avoid sleep.
But here he was, a small boy, walking down the steps of his old home. Angry voices shouted from the dimly lit doorway leading to the kitchen.
"He came home all black and blue," said his mother. "I don't want him going to that school no more."
He heard his father groan. "What other school will take him? You want my son growing up stupid?"
"I could teach him here."
"What can ya teach him? You don't know nothing."
Alastor pressed up against the wall beside the doorway as he continued to listen. He remembered this argument. He'd been about twelve then.
"My boy's gonna make something of himself," his father said as he made a sipping sound. "What's a few beatings from his classmates? It'll toughen him up, teach him to fight back."
"You're being too hard on the boy," said his mother.
"He's too much of a pansy, is what he is!" There was a pound, likely a fist on a table. "Spends too much time cooking and sewing with you. He needs to man up, learn some real skills. It's time I take him on a hunt."
"He's only a boy!"
"I was younger when I shot my first buck."
"I won't let you."
Alastor flinched at the sound of glass breaking.
"Don't you tell me what to do, bitch! He's my son! I'll raise him how I like!"
"He's my son too!"
"Yes, but you have nothing to offer him, do ya?" his father said with a snort. "And ya wonder why he always gets a beating."
Her mother's voice was so quiet, Alastor almost couldn't hear. "I just want him safe."
"Safe, huh? How can he ever be safe with your no-good nigger blood in him?"
Alastor's shoulders tensed as he recalled what followed this quarrel.
"It won't matter if we pull him out of school," his father continued. "He'll be a freak of nature wherever he goes. He might as well learn to face it."
"You're drunk. You don't mean that."
"I mean what I say!"
"He's our son. You can't deny him. We're all he's got in this—"
"Oh, for the love of God, woman, shut up!"
There was a slap, a scream, and a crash. Static buzzed around Alastor as the fires of rage coursed through his veins.
"I'm the man of this house!" his father shouted. "I decide what's best for this family!"
"No." Alastor clenched his hands into fists. "I won't let you hurt her this time."
Coming out of his hiding place, he charged into the kitchen and tackled his father. Alastor's hands immediately went for his throat.
"Alastor, what are ya doing?"
He paused, for that wasn't his mother's voice. Alastor turned and froze.
Cowering in the corner, staring at him in horror, was Tina.
Alastor looked back at the man he was strangling, and was shocked to find that it was himself. Or rather, his demon self.
"W-What's going on?" Alastor said.
The other Radio Demon showed his yellow teeth and laughed. "Are you really that dense? Don't you see, my friend? You're not fighting your father here. You're fighting yourself."
"No." Alastor shook his head. "You can't be me. You…you hurt Tina. I would never hurt Tina."
"You sure about that?" His doppelganger raised a carving knife into view. "The thought never crossed your mind?"
"No!" Alastor shook the imposter, pounding his head against the floor. "I'm not like my father!" He tightened his grip on his double's throat. "I will never hurt my wife! I will never hurt—"
"Alastor, stop!"
The screech that came out of the doppelganger's house sounded like Tina. When Alastor blinked, he saw that it was Tina. She was in her demonic form, her black eyes wide with terror.
And his very, very long claws were clamped around her throat.
Alastor scrambled backwards, his head hitting the canopy of the bed. His scarecrow arms flailed as he tumbled to the floor. Tina leaped off the other side of the bed just as Alastor sprang to his feet.
He looked down at himself and found that he, too, had fully transformed.
No. Not now. Not with her in the room!
He let out an agonizing wail. Tina, in her hypersensitive state, mistook this as a furious roar. Flapping her wings, she backed into the wall. Alastor pressed himself against the opposite wall, his empty eye sockets fixated on her.
They stood like that for a long while, staring at each other.
Tina took several deep breaths, attempting to calm herself, but it was difficult when a fifteen-foot wendigo-like beast was right across the room. She kept perfectly still, so as not to provoke an attack.
Then she realized that he'd barely made a move himself. He was also breathing heavily, his mouth open, black saliva dripping from his fangs.
This had never happened before. Tina had come out of her night terrors in full demon form, but had not seen it with Alastor. He had never spoken of night terrors, and had always slept peacefully at her side.
His drinking habits hadn't been the only thing he'd hidden from her.
What was Tina supposed to do now? Every time she had a panic attack in the past, Alastor had been there to help her through it. But how could he do that when he himself was experiencing a panic attack?
At least Tina's panic wasn't completely blind this time, and she was aware of her surroundings. Alastor seemed aware too, as he remained where he was.
One of them had to do something. Or else they might be stuck like this all night.
It was Tina who dared to take the first step. The Radio Demon recoiled, stretching himself against the wall.
His distorted, static-ridden voice buzzed in her ears. "Get back."
She continued forward, and spoke in her own distorted voice. "I won't hurt you."
"That's not…what I'm afraid of."
He glanced down at his elongated claws. If he lost control even for a second, he might slice Tina to ribbons. Or worse, chomp her head off with his sharpened fangs.
Tina stopped in front of him. Even in her predatorial state, she stood at half his height, like a kitten before a tiger.
Slowly, she raised her hand towards his face. Alastor gave a nasty snarl. She didn't even flinch.
"I'm not scared of you," she said. "But I am scared for you. So, unless you wanna be stuck like this, you're gonna have to trust me, please."
His dark eyes locked onto hers and, true to her word, found no fear in them. Only compassion.
With tentative claws, she touched his cheek. His breath hitched, but he did not pull away. Then he felt her other hand cradle his face.
A content purr emanated from his throat as he leaned into her right palm.
Tina's voice steadied as she tried to ground him in the moment, just as he did during her attacks. "You're in Hell. In the Hazbin Hotel. In the penthouse suite. We went to bed together. We both had nightmares, but they're over now."
Like an apologetic puppy, he whimpered. "I…choked…you."
"I'm fine." She pointed to her neck. "We can't die by choking anyway, remember?"
"Still…hurt you."
"You weren't aware of what you were doing. But it's done now."
"Won't…hurt you."
"You won't." She rested her free hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat as it slowed. "Just hold me, and we'll get through this."
Pressing her forehead to his, she closed her eyes, and began to sing.
"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mamma's gonna buy you a mockingbird."
Her sirenic voice overpowered his fearful static, soothing his senses. Her warm touch melted his frustration away.
Like the scene in Edward Scissorhands—another reference Alastor would never get—his arms encircled her, his long claws dangling at her sides. Tina snaked her arms around his skeletal waist.
By the time she finished her song, Alastor's claws and antlers had shrunk in half. Tina's claws had also retracted. But both demons still stood at their full height.
Unlike before, it was going to take more than a hug and a song to calm them down. Just what about Alastor's dreams had set him off for it to get this bad? She couldn't force him to open up. But maybe he would if she opened up first.
"I dreamed of Ethan again."
Growling, Alastor's arms tightened around her, minding his claws. She almost smiled at his protective behavior.
"But it ended differently," she continued. "When I hit him over the head, he…he turned into you."
He looked down at her, but did not interrupt.
"I think…" Her lip quivered. "It means I feel guilty. Guilty of hurting you." She buried her face in his torn jacket. "I feel like what I did to you was worse than what I did to Ethan, and I killed him. And I'm scared that…I'll do it again. Or something just as bad. That's why I push you away, Al. I'm a horrible person who just keeps hurting you like I slammed that paperweight into Ethan's skull. Over, and over, and over…"
Her words broke into sobs as she shrank back to normal. She was so small now that her arms were around his thighs, her tears staining his pantleg. The Radio Demon was amazed that she allowed him to hold her, when she was most vulnerable, and he, most monstrous.
It was indeed beauty that tamed the beast. No, that wasn't quite accurate. Tina was a beast in her own manner, but not as much as he was. If he wanted to, he could swallow her whole right now, and douse the torturous flame in his heart.
But no, the tiger could never devour the kitten. Not when he found the kitten too precious.
The lids fell over Alastor's eyes, and when he blinked them open, they were red again. He wasn't entirely better, but he could talk normally now.
"I…dream of my parents a lot," he said. "Of my father…hurting my mother."
His claws slid back into his fingers. "The reason I don't sleep often…is to avoid those dreams."
His antlers cracked as they shortened. "But it turned out…it wasn't my father hurting my mother. It was me…hurting you."
Tina gazed up at him, her eyes purple once more, as he slowly shrank around her.
"Turns out I made it come true. I thought it was myself I was choking, but…" Alastor fell to his knees. "Oh, Tina, forgive me. Forgive me, my sweet darling."
She knelt with him. "Of course. I know it wasn't your fault."
He pulled her close, cradling her head and resting his chin on her shoulder. To Tina's surprise, hot tears fell onto her back.
Never, in all the twenty years they'd known each other, had she ever seen him cry. It was then she realized how much he'd restrained himself. How much he'd restrained all his emotions.
"I'm a monster, Tina," Alastor whispered. "I'm aware of that. And most of the time, I don't care. I don't care how people see me, and I don't care who I hurt. But when I'm with you, I…I try so hard to keep that part of me at bay. To be a man worthy of your love."
He sobbed into her hair. "I love you so much, precious. I cannot bear to lose you, but I also cannot bear to hurt you."
She stroked his back. "Guess we're both afraid, then."
He nodded. "You're everything to me, and I'd rather die again, than let any harm befall you."
He meant it. Tina could tell. In his voice, in his touch, in his tears. And her heart went out to him.
They were both monsters. Proud, highly emotional, insecure monsters. Always had been, always will be. But if they could put all that aside, they could face their inner turmoil, and heal together.
Their problems were far from fixed, but at least now, their biggest fears were out in the open.
"Tina?"
"Yeah?"
Alastor sniffed. "When morning comes, please don't kick me out of bed."
Despite the situation, Tina giggled. "Well, it is your bed."
That got a small chuckle out of him. "But you will be here when I wake?"
She thought about it, then replied, "Only if you tear down that stupid pillow wall of mine."
"Gladly."
Oh, damn. I thought I was going to go into a depressive state while writing this chapter.
And I'm nowhere near done with this fic!