Had a bit of a depressive episode following the holidays. And a few COVID scares. Writing this chapter did not help. I ultimately decided, for my emotional health, it was better to split the long flashback into two chapters, otherwise it was going to take me much longer to get through it.

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SEXUAL CONTENT AND ACEPHOBIA!

Title Song: "Distance" by Christina Perri

2009, Next Cleanse in 107 Days

"Mrs. Tina, look!" Niffty pointed to a shop window. "A baby imp store!"

Tina turned to see a display of baby clothes, toys, and furniture. She rarely saw children in Hell, she sometimes forgot they existed.

"Aw, look at those cute little jammies!" Niffty pressed her face against the window.

"Yeah," Tina murmured.

They would've looked adorable on Nancy.

"Say, Mrs. Tina," Niffty said, "you and Al have been married for a while now. Have you talked about having kids yet?"

Whenever Niffty asked this, Tina usually smiled and brushed it off. But her spirits were dampened by thoughts of her little Nancy.

It had been so long since Tina had even considered motherhood. When she'd had her chance, she'd been all alone, and traumatized.

But now she had a husband. A very loving husband who had once expressed a soft spot for children. If Alastor had fathered Nancy, if Nancy had been a child of love, would he have stayed? Could Tina have been part of a family?

Could she have been a better parent?

"Even if we wanted to," Tina said, "it's impossible. Sinners can't procreate, remember? Don't know why you keep bringin' it up."

"Oh, I know we're not usually able to procreate, silly!" Niffty waved her hand. "But you and Al are lucky, because you've got Lucifer on your side."

"What's that gotta do with anything?"

Niffty frowned. "You mean…Al hasn't told you?"

"Told me what?"

After a quick glance around, Niffty gestured for Tina to lean in closer. "The day before your wedding, during your rehearsal, I overheard Lucifer talking to Alastor about babies. I didn't hear all the details, but Lucifer said if you and Al ever thought about having kids, just go to him."

Tina blinked. "You sayin' it's…possible?"

"It must be if the King of Hell says so. I'm just surprised Al's never brought it up with you."

Now that Tina was really thinking about it, it explained so much. Why on her wedding day, Niffty and Lucifer had spoken of children as if there were no doubt of it happening.

But if Alastor had known all this time, why hadn't he brought it up?

"Maybe he just didn't think I'd be interested," Tina said aloud.

Niffty stood on her tippytoes. "Are you?"

Tina glanced back at the window display, imagining her daughter wearing those clothes and playing with those toys, her and Alastor sitting on the floor and watching her.

If it was indeed possible to have another child, Tina would do it right this time.

Before Alastor could call out, "Honey, I'm home," Tina swooped in and threw her arms around him.

"Hey, sweetie!" she said in a cutesy tone, one foot popping in the air as she kissed his cheek. "How was your broadcast today? Mangle a lotta souls, did ya?"

Alastor was too taken aback to respond. "Err, yes?"

"Well," she said, running a finger down his front, "hope ya didn't spoil your dinner. Made your favorite tonight."

She dragged him into the kitchen. A candelabra lit a table of two plates of venison steaks. Slow jazz played from a gramophone in the corner.

"Suppose I should say your second-favorite," Tina said as she poured them two glasses of wine. "But ya know, you're more an expert at carvin' demons than I am."

It was then that Alastor finally noticed her attire. She wore a frilly apron over a pink dress with a flouncy skirt, a style that mirrored Niffty. Her hair was extra curly tonight, and she'd applied lipstick and mascara. A quick sniff informed him that she'd spritzed on more perfume than usual.

"Have a seat, hon," Tina said as she pulled out a chair. "You've must be exhausted after such a long day."

Without taking his wary eyes off her, Alastor sat down and immediately picked up the wine glass. Tina took off her apron and sat across from him. The top two buttons of her dress were undone, just teasing her cleavage.

"Ain't this nice?" Leaning her elbows on the table, she placed her face in her hands and batted her eyes. "When's the last time we've had a candlelit dinner?"

"Hmm." Alastor sipped the wine. "I believe it was when you tried to convince me to put a television in the house."

He paused, then set down his glass. "Alright, what is it you want?"

"What?" Tina laughed. "Can't a woman make dinner for her man for no reason, other than lovin' him very much?"

"Not you." He crossed his arms. "You only ever play the catering housewife when you want something. So, why don't you drop the charade, and tell me what it is you want?"

She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Ya couldn't just go along with this, could ya?"

Alastor shrugged. "I love you, darling, but I'm not gullible."

"Fine." Tina sighed. "There is something I've been meanin' to ask ya."

"I knew it. What is it this time? A computer? A hell phone? Internet? Let me spare you the trouble. The answer is no to all three."

"No, though I think you're being unfair there." She twiddled her fingers. "The thing is, Al, we've been…romantic for quite a while now."

The lids fell over his eyes in a dreamy manner. "Four years, and two hundred fifty-eight days."

She tilted her head. "You've been counting?"

"Mon amour," he said, holding her gaze, "I count every day that's important to me."

Color rose to her cheeks. "Anyway, it's been…wonderful. I didn't think I could be this happy."

He reached across the table and took her hand. "I feel the same way, precious."

His touch was so gentle, so reassuring. It erased all of Tina's doubt.

"And that's why I think it's time," she said, placing her other hand atop his, "we take our relationship to the next level."

Alastor blinked. "You mean…?"

She nodded with a hopeful smile.

"You want us to…?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"…get matching his-and-hers towels?"

Tina's smiled dropped. "N-No."

"Matching monogrammed sweaters?"

"No."

"Matching monogrammed robes?"

"No."

"Matching mugs?"

"Enough with the matching…" Tina released his hand, and took a deep breath. "Okay, let's try this again. Al, don't you think this house is a little…big for just the two of us?"

The Radio Demon glanced around. "You want us to move into a smaller home?"

"No, no." She held up her hands. "The house is fine as it is, but maybe…we could fill it up a little?"

"Ah!" He snapped his fingers. "You want a house party!"

"No," she said through her teeth. "What I mean is, don't ya wanna hear the pitter-patter of little feet around here?"

He cocked his head. "You want a pet? I suppose I could allow that. But no dogs. And I won't be the one cleaning up after it."

"I don't want a pet!" Tina facepalmed. "Christ, I know you can be dense sometimes, but damn!"

"Well, I'm sorry, darling. Apparently, I'm no good at this guessing game." He picked up his glass to take a sip. "Perhaps you should stop beating around the bush, and just speak plainly."

"You're right." After another breath, she said, "Alastor, I want a child."

The jazz record screeched to a halt. The glass in Alastor's hand shattered. Tina hunched in her seat.

Too late to turn back now.

"Y-Yeah." She pulled at her skirt. "I've been thinkin' 'bout it for a while now. I mean…I've failed as a mother already, but…I wanna try it again. Now that I have you here to support me."

Alastor was silent, and it worried her.

"Al?" She looked up.

He was staring at her, his eyes blinking rapidly. With every blink, his pupils changed to radio dials, then back to pupils, and then into dials again, accompanied by telegraph blips.

Sweet Jesus, I've broken him.

Luckily, Tina knew exactly what to do in this situation. Though out of context, people might mistake it for abuse.

She stood up, walked around the table, and smacked him across the face.

Sure enough, Alastor snapped back into consciousness. "Apologies, dear, tuned out for a moment. What were you saying?"

Tina bit her lip. "You're not gonna freak out again, are you?"

Chuckling, he pulled her onto his lap. "Go on, I'm listening."

"Well, what I said was," she said, placing her hands on his chest, "I'd like you and me to…have a baby."

The corners of his mouth twitched. "Yes, that's…"

What I was afraid you said.

Alastor should've expected this. Now that he and Tina were, in his opinion, truly married, it was inevitable that she should want what most couples wanted. Not that it was a common desire among condemned sinners, but not entirely uncommon.

The Radio Demon had never seen himself as a father. Though he'd acted as a father figure towards Niffty, and back up top he had welcomed hungry street urchins, as guests, to his dinner table.

He supposed he liked children. At the very least, he didn't see the need to harm them. Unless they misbehaved and thus, required discipline. He could say he pitied them, as they had very little control over their circumstances. Especially the children born in Hell, who never had a chance at life on Earth.

But for him to be responsible for another being? Him, the man who had devoured half of New Orleans, and laid waste to the Pentagram more times than he could count on his fingers?

Most notably, how could he be a good father when his own father had failed him?

But when Alastor looked into those big, gorgeous, pleading eyes, he was unable to refuse.

"That's…a splendid idea, darling!"

Tina's face brightened. "Really?"

"Of course!" He gently set her on the floor. "In fact, we should get started as soon as possible!"

"We should?"

"Yes!" He clapped his hands. "First thing tomorrow morning, we'll go right down to the adoption agency and see what's available!"

She blinked several times, unsure if she'd heard him correctly. "Adoption agency?"

"Would you prefer a boy or a girl? Personally, I don't care, so long as it's not a hellhound."

Her smile dipped into a frown. "You want to…adopt?"

"How else?"

"Well," Tina said, sweeping a loose hair back, "not that there's anything wrong with adoption, but…I was kinda hopin' we could…make a baby. Of our own."

Static crackled as Alastor's ears twitched. "Oh."

So, she wanted to talk about that again. The one thing they had yet to do as a couple.

Fortunately, Alastor didn't have to make up an excuse this time.

"Now, err, sweetheart," he said, rubbing the back of his neck, "I don't know if anyone's explained this to you, but it's actually impossible for sinners to procreate. We already have an overpopulation problem, you see."

He hated seeing her so distraught, but it was better than encouraging false hopes.

"However," he said, holding up a finger, "that does not mean adoption is out of the question. Much better, in fact, given how many young imps are so easily orphaned down here."

Tina scrutinized him. "Then why did Lucifer talk about us havin' kids?"

There were tuning sounds as Alastor's eyes darted around the room. "He likely meant adoption."

She crossed her arms. "That's not what he said to ya at our wedding rehearsal."

He stiffened. "H-How do you know about that?"

"Niffty overheard ya."

Drat. Alastor made a note to scold Niffty later for eavesdropping. It was dreadfully unladylike.

There was no use fibbing to his wife now. "There…is a way for us to have a child of our own."

"Why didn't ya tell me?" Tina asked.

"Well, darling…" He quickly mulled over all the possible reasons. "It requires a deal with Lucifer, and…his offers don't come cheap. Especially over as tall an order as a child. Surely you've heard those old folktales of infertile couples, making deals with witches and goblins? They never end well."

That was sure to dissuade her, wasn't it?

"I'll pay whatever price."

His grin shrank. "You're really so desperate for a child that you'd sell your own soul to the Devil?"

She gestured to him. "I sold my soul to you, didn't I?"

"No, dear. You only granted me your hand in marriage. Your soul is still free for Lucifer to take."

"How do we know he won't ask for yours?"

"Darling," he said with a scoff, "how do you think I got these powers?"

Tina sized him up. "Well, you ain't locked in Lucifer's dungeon so sellin' your soul can't be that bad, can it?"

"It's not that simple," he said firmly. "In my case, even if I'd done nothing wrong in life, I was guaranteed to end up here. And Lucifer can call on me for a favor whenever, but because he considers me such a model sinner, it's not a condition he often exploits."

"Then like I said," she said, squaring her shoulders, "I'll pay the price."

"Why do you even want a baby anyhow?" Alastor was growing more frustrated by the second. "After all, they're messy, and noisy, and terrible at conversation."

"A minute ago, you were all for adoption."

"Yes, yes. But bringing a new soul into Hell is another matter. Do you really want to raise a child in this?" He threw up his arms. "I'm not damning a child the moment it is born."

While he had a point, it did not change Tina's mind. "You don't get it, Al. After what happened with Nancy—"

"Tina," he said with a scowl, "we're not having a baby."

"But—"

"End of discussion."

Before Tina could utter another syllable, Alastor pressed a finger to her lips and gave her a stern look. Then he snapped his fingers to reform his wine glass, and sipped it.

Tina couldn't believe this. Not only had he completely dismissed her, but he had the gall to shut her up, and then act all nonchalant like they hadn't just been arguing. Once again, her opinion had no sway over him.

But this wasn't like when she'd asked for a television. Or a microwave. Or the right to play modern music in the house. All that she could deal with.

This hurt. A lot.

When his wife didn't immediately return to her seat, Alastor glanced sideways at her. Fists were at her sides, her nostrils were flaring, her eyes welling up.

He sighed and put up a more sympathetic smile. "Come eat, precious. You'll feel better once you have some food in your belly."

He reached towards her, but she recoiled. This made him pause.

She never rejected his touch. Not since they confessed their feelings. Oh, she'd give him a playful shove, or tease that it wasn't the time, but never flinch.

"I'm…not hungry anymore."

And with that, she left the kitchen.

Alastor didn't see his wife again until he retired to bed. Tina emerged from the bathroom in her violet nightgown. The one he liked best. Her eyes were downcast as she climbed onto her side of the bed. She didn't even look at him.

He really thought she'd have gotten over their disagreement by now. But no, Tina had always been unreasonably stubborn. In a situation like this, the only thing he could do to cheer her up was apologize.

Even if he wasn't in the wrong.

He put down his book, and scooted up to her. "Aw, are you still upset with me, mon amour?"

Alastor draped his arm over her shoulders, and leaned his cheek atop her head, the fresh scent of her peach shampoo hitting his nostrils.

"I'm sorry, precious." He snuggled her close. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

Tina grunted. "That's not gonna work this time, Al."

"You sure?" He nuzzled his nose into her hair. "Ma petite chauve-souris?"

"Don't."

"Ma maîtresse angélique de la nuit?"

A snort of laughter escaped her. "That ain't fair."

"Ma belle?" He planted a kiss between pet names. "Ma chère? Ma raison d'être?"

"Stop, stop!" She pushed him back, though chortled. "Get off, ya Cajun goofball!"

"Only if you forgive me," he said as he pecked her lips. "Mon adorable femme."

"Fine, I forgive ya!" She grabbed his face. "Now quit teasin' and gimme a real kiss."

Alastor was happy to comply. He even opened his mouth and allowed her tongue in, which he still found distasteful, but knew it would please her. Tina affirmed this with a moan as she ran her hands up his biceps.

This. This was all that he needed. Just her soft touch, her tender kiss, her loving embrace. To make him forget what he was, where he was, what he'd done. Even if only for a little while.

It didn't matter if they disagreed on some matters, so long as in the end, she would return to his arms.

Then Tina had to go and ruin the moment.

Before Alastor could realize what was happening, he was pushed onto his back, his wife straddling his hips. His eyes snapped open as her pelvis ground against his.

Was she really trying this again? After their argument? While no pregnancy would result from them entwining now, he had hoped his view on children would make her give up once and for all.

But no, her fingers were tugging at his waistband. Not wanting to upset her twice today, Alastor subtly guided her fingers to his chest, undoing the top button of his shirt for her. That should keep her busy a while.

Unfortunately, her groin wouldn't quit attempting to arouse him. And the worst part was it was working.

Well, almost. His member was unresponsive, but the intimate contact sent a tingle up his spine. Along with unwelcome images of his and his wife's naked bodies entangled in the sheets.

And for but an instant, he wondered if it would be so unpleasant.

Alastor gasped as Tina's furry hands caressed his now bare chest. He wanted this to stop, but at the same time didn't. No, he was not going to cause another fight. He was not going to sleep without his wife.

With much reluctance, he slid a hand up her thigh, and under skirt. The action made him blush, but made Tina whimper in satisfaction.

Maybe he could go through with it this time. At least once. If nothing else to get her to shut up about it.

However, while most men would be excited from the position Alastor was in, he felt nothing but dread.

He'd put off his wife's physical desires for so long, he didn't know how much more patient she could be. But if he took no pleasure in this, did that mean he didn't love her? Would the pure affection he felt for Tina be tainted forever?

While his head couldn't decide what action to take, his member made a very piercing argument.

Tina gasped at the sudden stab between her legs, and laughed. "Guess you are ready now, huh?"

Instinct won over, as he cried, "No!"

Alastor sat up, shoving his hand between her crotch and his. Not to penetrate, but to barricade.

She frowned. "What's wrong now?"

"I don't want to…" He winced. "I can't… Excuse me."

He couldn't think like this. So he bolted out of bed and made for the bathroom.

"Hold on," Tina called. "You're gonna take care of it yourself?"

While she was right there on the bed?

Alastor didn't answer, but shut the door, ran to the toilet, and pulled down his pajama pants.

Damn it. I did it again.

How could he still have this problem? He loved Tina, he loved being close to her, yet every time things became sensual, all he could think to do was run away. Even when his member was eager, touching himself alone filled him with disgust and self-loathing.

It didn't help that as he relieved himself, the image of his distraught wife popped into his head. He wasn't looking forward to the conversation after this.

Once Alastor was finished, he promptly flushed the toilet, washed his hands, and checked his smile in the mirror. It was gone. With a deep breath, he tugged on the corners of his mouth, then smoothed out his hair and pajamas.

He would make it up to her. For now, he would act as if nothing was amiss. Like always.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom, Tina was laying on her side, facing the window. Her eyes were open, yet accompanied by a frown.

For extra measure, Alastor widened his grin as he crawled in next to her. "Apologies for the…interruption, mon amour. I was a little out of sorts, but am quite refreshed now."

He placed a hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off. He tried not to show how much her action stung him.

"Are you angry with me, dear?"

Tina was quiet, then shook her head. He was grateful for that, at least.

"It's not that I don't want children."

Alastor touched her shoulder again. This time, he was not rejected.

"I think it could be delightful to try, someday. However," he said, pulling her close, "I like things just as they are." He brushed his nose against her neck. "What you and I have, right now, that's enough for me." He kissed her temple. "Don't you agree, love?"

Instead of returning his affection, she sat up. "What's this really about, Al?"

Hiding his nerves, he also sat up. "Whatever do you mean?"

Tina sighed. "I get you not wantin' kids. Honestly, I'm not sure if we're cut out for it either. And maybe the idea of havin' 'em biologically is silly, when we can just adopt." She turned her head to meet his gaze. "But none of that explains why ya won't have sex with me."

For half a second, his eyes fizzed. "D-Darling, you know I don't appreciate such vulgar language. I allow it when you're performing, but when we're alone I'd prefer it if—"

"See?" She pointed at him. "That right there. Every time I bring it up, ya go and change the subject. It's a pattern with you, Al, and I don't understand why."

Alastor blinked. "I've already explained it to you."

"No, ya haven't. Not really." She rose to her knees. "Yeah, when we got hitched, ya said ya didn't want a physical relationship. It didn't matter to me then, but that was before…ya said ya loved me."

Tina paused, reminiscing over their first real kiss. "I know you've never done it before. Given my history, I wasn't willin' to rush things either. But Al, we've been married for almost ten years now, in love for five. What exactly are ya waitin' for?"

He wrung his wrists. "The right moment."

"And when is that gonna be?"

He glanced to the side. "I cannot see the future, chère."

She muttered, "I'm startin' not to see any future."

His eyes widened in panic. "What are you saying?"

"I'm sayin' we seem to be stuck in the same place we were in when we officially got together." She ran a hand through her hair. "It's not that…I don't like the things we do, but…every day's startin' to feel the same to me. Nothing changes."

He shrugged. "It's normal to find yourself in a rut down here. But if you want to change things, we could try out this new restaurant I came across just the other—"

"You're doing it again!"

"Doing what?"

"Don't act like you don't know what you're—" Tina stopped to take a calming breath. "Look. It doesn't have to be tonight. I'm not gonna force ya into anything. But I do wanna understand why this bothers ya so much."

Alastor turned away from her, not answering.

"Please, Al." She took his hand. "Tell me what's wrong."

He winced at the word "wrong." That dreaded word that had labeled him all his life. It was not a word he wanted to hear from his wife.

"Come on, Al. We're not supposed to keep secrets from each other."

He refused to meet her eyes, afraid of what he might see. Heartbreak, scorn, neither sounded promising.

"Is it cuz of what happened to your ma? What happened to me?" She leaned her forehead onto his shoulder. "Cuz if it is, ya don't have to worry 'bout hurtin' me. We're married. We're in love. It'll be fine as long as we both want it."

When he still wouldn't speak, Tina lifted her gaze, no longer able to keep her tears in check. "That…that's it, isn't it? Ya don't want it, do ya?"

The broken tone in her voice made his heart heavier than ever.

"Is it…me? A-Are ya disgusted by me? Cuz I'm…used?"

For that, he could not remain silent.

"No, no." Alastor cupped her face, his thumbs wiping away her tears. "Sweetheart, no. I could never be disgusted with you."

"Then why?" Her watery eyes locked onto his. "Why don't ya wanna take this any further?"

Because it was the act itself that disgusted him. But if he told her that, she would think him a freak. Not in the murderous sense. But something unnatural that didn't belong in this world.

Just like the prejudiced bullies from the schoolyard. Just like the spiteful girls he'd rejected. Just like the perverted Overlords of Hell.

The Radio Demon had stopped caring for everyone else's opinion of him long ago. Only Tina's opinion mattered.

He could not bear it if that opinion changed.

Tina's lip quivered. "Don't…don't ya love me?"

"How can you doubt me?" Alastor pressed his forehead to hers. "My love for you is deeper than all the chasms of Hell."

"Then tell me, Al." She closed her hands over his. "I won't get mad, I swear. Just please, explain it to me. I've been through trauma too, so I'll understand. Whatever the problem is, we'll find a way to fix it."

But it couldn't be fixed. If that were true, he would've made love to her the moment she asked.

No. He was far too broken to be fixed.

Alastor closed his eyes and gave Tina's lips a peck, in hopes of softening the blow his words might inflict.

"I'm sorry, my darling, but…" He shook his head. "This is the one thing I cannot explain to you."

How could he? When he didn't even understand it himself?

The moment he opened his eyes and saw her face, he knew he said the wrong thing.

Tina wrenched herself out of his hold, spun around, and climbed out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Alastor asked.

She slipped on her silk robe and headed for the door. "To sleep in my old room."

"But you only sleep there when you're ill." His distress quickly became concern. "Are you ill?"

She sighed as she placed her hand on the doorknob. "Only emotionally."

Alastor swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Did I offend you, dear? If so, that was not my intention."

"I just…" She hung her head. "Need some space right now. Okay?"

Despite how cold the bed felt without her warm body next to his, he did not stop her. Perhaps, after this upsetting incident, they both needed a little distance from each other.

He had no idea just how far that distance was going to get.

Damn, I'm not looking forward to writing the next chapter.

This part of the story is very personal to me, as an asexual who wants kids someday. But I worry that, if my partner is male, I'm not going to be able to go through with it. And if my partner is allosexual, that my standards for physical affection are not going to be enough for them. At the same time, I can understand that a person's patience on such a matter can only last so long.

Needless to say, I don't like where I'm going with this, but know as an author that it is necessary.