What is wrong with me?
It was such a strange thing really. Most people would say that there isn't a thing worse than being bullied. Being chased, pinched, kicked to the ground, beaten, spit on and of course the many insults that made you feel like shit. Or at least they were meant to make you feel that way. And yet he did not want it to come to an end. Naruto sighed as he stared out the classroom window, the dark clouds reflecting his emotions rather fittingly. Something must be really wrong with him. Then again, being ignored was so much worse. Better to be looked at with scorn than to not be seen by anyone at all. At least the pain made it clear that he was truly there. That his presence had an impact on others around him. At least someone would notice if he were to disappear one day for they'd wonder where their target would be. Not that he wanted to die or anything, no he was not that far gone quite yet.
It wasn't long after he came to America when he was eight that Sasuke started bullying him along with his lackeys Kaguya, Kidōmaru and Tayuya. They didn't go to the same middle school but they always managed to find him anyway as soon as school was out.
"What's wrong golden boy, can't play with the big kids?" They'd snare at him as he got pushed to the ground, clothes soaking wet. They had been playing with water pistols and he had wanted to join. They pretended to let him only to make him their special target and not letting up even when he told them too.
"And here I thought you wanted to play with us." Sasuke shook his head in feigned disapprovement before stepping closer to him and pulling his head up by his hair. Naruto whined as he did so but didn't dare to struggle. "Don't get on our turf if you can't handle our rough play." The raven said threateningly, their faces mere inches apart from each other. The moment seemed to stretch out as they stared into each other's eyes before Sasuke threw him to the ground.
Such incidences kept occurring, though the fault was not entirely Sasuke's for seeking him out all the time. Naruto knew the places the raven would frequent, he knew how to find him. He could avoid them, not get beaten, not having to hide those new bruises. But there was a certain thrill to be had, an ecstasy that coursed through his veins whenever met with the danger. He would show up at where Sasuke and the others were hanging out, the raven would catch his eyes almost instantly as if he could feel his presence, he would chase him –a part of this 'game' Naruto immensely enjoyed- and when they caught him he'd get shoved around, sometimes beaten or humiliated.
"Gotcha." He heard the raven hiss as once again Sasuke caught him and shoved him against the nearby wall of the alleyway he had run into. "You really thought you could outrun me this time?" They were eleven and it wouldn't be long now before they'd go to high school together, though Sasuke would go a year sooner since the adjustment to America had made Naruto behind his peers at least a year. Naruto focused on those intense dark eyes that seemed to draw him in. Sasuke slams him against the wall a bit harder to make him realize he expected an answer.
"D-don't hurt me…" Naruto whimpered while feigning fear but his heart sped up when he saw that familiar smirk form on his bully's face. That beautiful face that seemed to get closer and closer to his until he could no longer keep his eyes open, his heart having sped up with each inch that the raven crossed.
"Or what?" Naruto barely constrained a whine upon hearing that low, threatening voice and he trembled as he felt Sasuke's breath waft over the shell of his ear. For a moment neither of them moved. The hands around his arms tightened suddenly before Sasuke moved away a bit to look at him, observing him for a bit. Then he smirked. "I won't hurt you. This time. There will be plenty opportunity for that later when we go to the same school." He then reached out with one hand to put it on his cheek, Naruto's eyes never leaving his despite the burning sensation that the skin on skin contact brought. "You better watch your every step, look carefully around every corner for I will make your life a living hell." The hatred in those dark eyes were ever as confusing, hurtful as they are thrilling and so intensely aimed at him alone. Sasuke tapped him twice on his cheek, not so gently, and then turned around to walk away and leave a disheveled Naruto behind.
Once they went to the same high school Sasuke made sure to keep his promise as the bullying intensified immensely. One day however things went quite a bit too far, even to his liking. He had often wondered whether it had gone that far because Sasuke wasn't there. He was their leader after all, the three followers would only ever go as far as he allowed them to.
Sports classes were always the worst to Naruto. He hated getting all sweaty and disliked the idea of others seeing him act foolishly and clumsily since he wasn't much of a sports person. But worse were the showers. He didn't want others to see him, even if there were no bruises to hide. He had never been proud of how his body looked, though plenty confessions from both genders would suggest he had nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps it was because of his parents job as photographers and all the many baby photos and childhood pictures had made him so self-conscious. He just really didn't like others seeing him so naked, so exposed, so vulnerable… And he also hated looking at others. Well, no, not really hated… He hated the effect had on him. He was afraid others would catch him staring at them. He used to convince himself, for years, that it was to compare himself to them and nothing more. But as he became more and more of age and the images of his naked male classmates kept coming back to him unbidden, he could no longer deny that there might be more to it. To prevent any embarrassing things from happening he always loitered around and only jumped into the shower after most of the other boys were done and were getting dressed already.
It was one of those days, during his second year, that he came back from the shower to find all of his clothes missing. He had a towel strapped around his hips but that was all he had and even the locker with his more precious belongings had been opened somehow and emptied. With a sigh he moved to the exit of the changing room, moving past the short wall that separated some sinks from the shower area. Before he could react, before he even knew what was happening, a hand had snitched away the only bit of cloth he had that could somewhat protect his dignity.
"Well what do we have here." Sounded a sadistic female voice. Naruto swirled around to look at her, his hands hiding his private parts. "Don't you know it's rude to take extra long showers." Tayuya raised a brow while swirling the towel in her hands. As Naruto looked around he spotted Kidōmaru standing in the corner with his arms crossed over his chest. Other than them there was no one else around and Naruto felt a pang in his chest as Sasuke wasn't there.
"Give me my clothes back." Naruto looked at Tayuya again and she walked to the sink to dampen the towel. He didn't feel much like playing their games today. He had been avoiding his parents lately and they haven't really noticed that much. That's what has been bothering him and had put him in a foul mood. It had nothing to do with Sasuke not being there to administer the bullying. Nope nothing at all.
"So rude. I see your neanderthal parents really haven't been teaching you any manners at all. I guess we should rectify that." She looked at Kidōmaru, whom cackled sinisterly, before she smirked sadistically at Naruto again.
"You're one to talk. This is the man's bathrooms after all. Or did you get confused about your gender?" Naruto asked all cocky. He could stand up for himself somewhat when he was angered, he just didn't do so nearly as much with Sasuke.
"Silence!" Tayuya shrieked and a whip like sound echoed in the tiled room. Naruto could feel the burning as he shakily let go of the breath he had gasped in when the tightly rolled up towel slapped against his side. "First lesson; only speak when you are allowed to." She hit him again and Naruto tried to get away from her then. Kidōmaru laughed as he and Tayuya chased him through the changing room and he soon found himself cornered. Fighting back meant removing the shield he had to protect his most vulnerable parts so all he could do was turn around as the towel smacked against his skin, Tayuya bringing up nonsense rule after rule with each hit. Telling him how ugly he was, how much of a waste of space, how he reeked, how revolting he was. The words hurt almost as much as every new lash and they'd stay with him long, long after the bruises had disappeared. Another cry escaped his lips as yet another long lash was cast over his reddened behind and his legs buckled until he dropped to his knees. Tayuya didn't seem to want to let up though, slapping and lashing his back with even more ferocity until she got interrupted by Kaguya whom entered the bathroom seemingly out of nowhere. He had been on guard no doubt but upon hearing Naruto cry out he decided to check in. Tayuya had always been the disturbingly sadistic one and finding her lose control without Sasuke there to reign her in, it was up to Kaguya to put an end to things. Not to protect Naruto, no never that, but to prevent any teachers coming to investigate the cries of pain.
Naruto stayed home the next day. He hardly remembered how he had found his bag in the toilet, though most of his clothes were dry. His back and behind had burnt terribly and his parents had been on one of their many business trips to photograph some near extinct animals in some far of place. It made him feel more alone than ever for every line that bitch had said would echo in the silence of his home. If only Sasuke had been there. Things wouldn't have gone that far, his pain would have had more meaning…
The next day things had changed between his tormentors. It looked like Sasuke and Tayuya had argued and that she was kicked out of their little clique. She seemed to have vented by bullying and humiliating other kids till the point that she went so far with one girl that what she did to Naruto was mild in comparison. It got her expelled from the school for good and nobody seemed to mind that at all. Naruto liked to think that it was because of what she did to him and Sasuke not liking it that she was no longer welcome with them. He would imagine how that confrontation went; Sasuke claiming him and him alone was allowed to hurt Naruto. That he wanted nothing to do with her anymore for that, that she disgusted him maybe. In his fantasy Sasuke would seek him out to talk about it. Not to apologize for her behavior, no he'd never apologize for anything probably, but to say she had no right to do that. Perhaps he would run his hands, his nails, over the burning lashes on his body. Making them ache because of him just as much as his heart does on a daily basis. Perhaps he would lean in to whisper in his ear that he was the only one allowed to hurt him. From there on the fantasy would become less and less innocent as is normal for a hormonal teen.
Online Naruto had read stories of other people whom got bullied and from former bullies and it made him realize how bad it could get. Though he did recognize that he was quite often depressed, it was not so much because of the bullying. In fact it was when Sasuke treated him that way, gave him his undivided attention, that he didn't feel nearly as depressed. Those days, strangely enough, would be the better ones. No-one else seemed to feel that way though for everyone else wished for the bullying to stop. What was wrong with him then? He truly had to be a freak of nature to enjoy being treated like that. The feeling of isolation, of wrongness, made him pull away from others even more, including his parents.
"How are you doing, Naruto?" Iruka, Naruto's class mentor asks him and when Naruto finally tears his eyes of the window to look around he realizes he's the only student still there. He really must have been deep in thought if he didn't notice the bell as well as all the other students leaving. It's happening a lot lately, those zoned out moments.
"I'm fine, thanks." He answers as he can tell his teacher waited patiently for his answer, then grabbing his bag and quickly pushing his books in it.
"Are you sure? You know you can talk to me about anything." Iruka frowns as he keeps sitting on one of the desks even as Naruto hastily stands up and pushes the chair against his, hoisting his backpack over one shoulder.
"There is nothing to talk about. It's all good." Naruto shrugs as he plasters one of his fake smiles on his face. It comes so easily to him now after all these years.
"You just seem… distracted lately."
Not just lately. Naruto thinks. "Eh yeah, been playing videogames to much I guess. I'll make sure to go to bed earlier." He really didn't want to be there, wanted to leave and escape that gaze that observed him with such warmth and concern for his wellbeing. Clearly he wasn't doing much of a good job hiding that.
"Very well." Iruka sighed as he stands up. "I just wanted you to know that my door is always open."
"Thanks." Naruto says and he quickly takes his leave. Not like you could help me. Nobody can.
As he walks through the hallways of the school, most teens making ready to go home after yet another long day of learning, Naruto ignores the looks he would sometimes get. They often made him feel like he was being judged - which in all likelihood was exactly what they did, they were teenagers after all- and his self-consciousness and anxiety about his appearance would spike. It used to be way worse, over the years he has learned to ignore that feeling and how others look at him. His dark clothes, skinny jeans and gothic esthetic gave him the troublemaker and emotional, brooding type reputation. There were as many teens of both genders that were attracted to that as there were those who were appalled by it. He shrugs those looks off though, not wanting to care. The clothes not only reflected his mood but also made it clear he didn't want anyone to bother him, which was just fine with him.
"Seems our rebel is getting the usual attention around here." Sounds a silky, devilish voice that instantly makes Naruto's heart jump.
"Uhm. H-hey Sasuke…" Naruto looks at his bully, standing there so perfectly with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the wall with his back and that familiar, oh so captivating smirk around his lovely lips.
"You know they don't really care about you right?" The raven says as he pushes himself of the wall and walks towards Naruto. Those dark eyes seem to drink him in and as usual Naruto can't help but feel like there is something hiding within him, like a dark storm; powerful and beautiful but oh so destructive. Naruto just nods slowly as Sasuke stops in front of him, neither ever breaking eye contact.
"I've got something planned for tomorrow." Sasuke says and then smirks before leaning in a bit closer. "Just for the two of us." The lower tone of his voice sends shivers down Naruto's spine and he swallows hard while using all his willpower not to imagine what his bully could mean with that. Sasuke leans back again looking satisfied at the shiver his victim couldn't repress and he then steps around him to go on his way. "Look forward to it."
Naruto can't do anything as he watches the raven swagger of and out the side doors. His heart is beating a thousand miles per hour, his mind reeling with what his bully could have planned for them tomorrow. For just the two of them! Honestly, something must be so wrong with him that he looks so much forward to it. But in that moment he doesn't care and the entire walk back to his home he has a spring in his step.
To be continued…