Pain of Frustration

They talked throughout the remainder of the night. The subjects were light-hearted, dreams of a possible future they'd share, what pets they'd have- Naruto wanted an entire zoo at which Sasuke said that they should first start with a cat before thinking so big-, but often they would just cuddle together, one or the other occasionally asking the other if he were still awake. They avoided the big subjects like Itachi or Naruto's parents, their near future of going to college or moving out. Even the question of adoption at some point in their future popped up in Sasuke's head, but he did not dare mention it, he wasn't even sure how he felt about that and decided to think about it later.
When morning light started to show through the windows Sasuke decided that he could no longer postpone leaving his love if he wanted to be back home before his brother would notice his absence.

"Naruto?" He whispers for both of them had been quiet for a while now and he wasn't sure Naruto hadn't fallen asleep.

"Hm?" Comes the drowsy reply.

"I have to go." Sasuke says, not bothering to speak any louder, and Naruto groans his disapproval. "I know. I don't want to either but…" Sasuke leans up a bit, loosening their embrace and he carefully kisses his lovers forehead. "I can't have Itachi find me missing."

"I know…" Naruto sighs as he remains lying down, not wanting to feel the pain that will bring back the awful memory of that night. "There is a pretty big chance that my parents will check up on me early as well…"

"Yeah…" Sasuke replies sadly. There is no need to say what would happen if they found Sasuke still there. Yet he could not make himself move away. Seeing his lover so tired, so down, so hurt, it makes him want to protect him from anyone, almost like an animalistic instinct. I hate having to leave him like this! Sasuke thinks as he tightens his fist in the bedsheets. If only we had come clean sooner, than none of this would have happened. Here I thought I was sacrificing myself to preserve the bond between him and his parents. But the truth is that I was just too much a coward to face them! To face Itachi. Too afraid to lose Naruto and because of this, this… Sasuke closes his eyes tightly, forcing himself to take a deep breath. He can't afford to think about that now. He shouldn't be thinking that way at all for self-blame isn't going to help Naruto now.

"Sasuke…" Naruto says as he places a hand on his lovers. When he sees he has the ravens full attention he continues. "I'll be fine. Eventually anyway. There is nothing you can do for me right now. Thanks for staying with me, hell for coming to me in the first place." Naruto half smiles and Sasuke can't resist leaning down to kiss those lips, gently, lovingly. He hopes it can convey all he can't say out loud, all the words that wouldn't make a difference for circumstances won't change because of them, but he hopes this kiss tells his lover how much he'd wish they could.

"Call me if you need anything. Don't worry about Itachi, leave that to me. I'm sure I can come up with something. And try to get some rest and text me when you wake up, or call if you need it. And keep me informed about how things go with your parents. Try to take it easy, and-"

"Okay, Sasuke, Sasuke!" Naruto says, leaning up this time to stop his rambling mess of a boyfriend. "I get it. Now stop worrying and get your ass out of here. I promise I'll reach out to you when I wake up from a quick nap and plenty of times after." Sasuke hesitates a little longer before kissing his boyfriend one last time.

"I love you." He says with a small smile, making Naruto's heart skip a beat.

"Love you too." He replies and watches as Sasuke climbs back out the window, the raven looking back one more time before disappearing from view.

When Sasuke gets home it's around five in the morning. Silently he makes his way to his room, relieved to find the house silent. As soon as he has closed the door of his room softly he sighs deeply as he kicks off his shoes, making his way to his bed that seems to whisper seducing promises to his exhausted body and mind of sleep and blissful oblivion. You'd think he'd be off to sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow after such broken and emotional nights in a row. But no matter how exhausted he is, his mind doesn't seem capable of quieting down. Sasuke turns and turns, trying to keep his mind from going back to Naruto, causing feelings of guilt, anger, pain, sadness and love, or from going to Itachi, which brings feelings of guilt, worry, protectiveness, shame and fear.
He turns over again, pulling the covers close around him, sighing deeply and counting down from five to relax. Yet no five minutes later he remembers his conversation with his brother. He can't help but wonder if his brother is sleeping soundly right now, or experiencing such horrors in his dreams again. Would Itachi really change things so they can spend more time together, or would it just lead to disappointment eventually again because of Sharingan? How long would it take this time before they start pushing him again to come back to work? Yet, how could he be distrusting of his brothers attempt at closure when he was the one keeping such a huge secret from him. Lying to his brother, how long will it take before that to causes consequences that aren't easily fixed. He's a hypocrite, really, blaming his brother, his work, for growing apart while he's the one keeping such big secrets. At least one of those is out now… He ought to tell him the other truth. Naruto needs him now. For better or for worse, he has made his choice to stick with him and he has to face his greatest fear to do so. The fear of disappointing his brother. Again…

Stop thinking!

Sasuke huffs in frustration as he turns around again, focussing on his physical senses, the familiar smell of his own bed, the warmth, the softness of his pillow, every muscle that slowly starts to relax and how he seems to sink deeper into the matrass. Yet, again, no five minutes later he remembers the anguish in Naruto's voice when he told him what had happened some hours ago. How could he have let that happen?! How could he just have slept soundly, probably having a wet dream, while his soulmate was going through that hell?! How could Naruto forgive him? It dazzles him that his lover is so strong that he can say that he'll be alright eventually. That he can be so selfless to let him go even though he was so needed by him. The idea won't stop assailing him! This guy, who in his mind has taken the form of the guy at the club when they had both been harassed by him and his goonies, who dared to lay his hands on his lover. This bastard, moving behind his Naruto, touching him, not stopping when Naruto told him to! His cursed imagination pictures it all out for him. That sicko slamming himself into his lover the way only he was ever allowed to! That rotten piece of shit that causes his lover such tormenting pain that he feels it even right now! How he'd wished he had been there! How he wished he had slammed open the door and pulled the bastard away, preferably even before penetrating him! He would beat him up, he would make a bloody mess of the sick son of a bitch so he'd never be able to hurt anyone ever again! He had sworn to protect Naruto, to never let him get hurt again. Yet, he couldn't even keep that promise…

Alright enough!

Frustrated Sasuke sits up quickly, breathing fast and fists clenched tightly in the bedsheets. He recognizes this feeling. The room around him seems to have a red filter, his heart is beating fast, his breathing rigid and the urge to hit something and to scream is so strong that he barely manages to constrain himself. Before he can get up and do exactly that, he recognizes what is happening. He takes a deep breath, counting down from five, again and again. Slowly his vision turns back to normal, his heartbeat and breath eases and the violent urges still some more. He can still feel the rage within him simmer, but at least it won't cloud his rational thinking anymore. When he looks at the time he sees it's near half seven.

It might be a bit early, but I really need this release right now. Sasuke thinks as he takes his phone out and frantically searches for a number.

"Hey. I know it's early, and on a Sunday to, but I really need you right now. I'd pay you double the usual amount." Sasuke says into the phone after which the deal is made and they hang up. With a soft smile Sasuke puts his phone away, the expression quickly turning into a determined look as he moves to put his shoes on again. He makes a quick note to Itachi to explain his absence before leaving the house once more.

This wasn't like the other times. This time he knew he was dreaming. That it was a nightmare. It doesn't matter how much he focusses on that thought, the torment doesn't end. It doesn't matter that he tries to scream, his voice seems to be gone. It doesn't matter that he tries to tell himself it's not real, his sensations are as sharp as if it were reality. All his struggles seem to be in vain. So why continue? Why try to fight it when you know there is no way out? When all you can do is ride it out and hope there is still something of you left by the end of it. When the hands that touch skin don't seem to fade away like they should. When the sounds keep echoing all around as if it has physical forms of its own that slash with every decibel, like they shouldn't. When the body aches from so deep within and from so many places it's impossible to point out where it comes from. It's impossible to ignore or to run away from.
Naruto can feel the hot breath on his neck as he's pushed against the wall, the guy from the club standing right behind him. He curses as he tries to break free again but his hands seem to have melted with the meaty wall he's pushed against while the stranger behind him pants into his ear while grinding his hard member against his behind. Naruto feels exhausted and he stops the struggle knowing it's in vain. As soon as he does so the stranger chuckles and the blond screams as he feels how he's entered. At nearly the same time a figure appears between his arms, loosening itself from the meaty wall. He instantly recognizes Sai as the dark haired male seems to shush him while embracing him with an insincere smile. Again Naruto struggles and he shouts it out as it seems that Sai enters him too. How he doesn't know, nor does he care. All he knows is that it hurts like hell and that he'd just wish he could die so he wouldn't feel it anymore.

"You are so going to be my bitch tonight." His rapists chuckle in unison.

Naruto screams and growls in frustration as both of them seem to thrust away in him mercilessly. Again he fights and struggles and with tears streaming down his face he tries to bite, to claw, to do anything at all to make them stop. To make it end. He moves his head so he can bite his own shoulder instead of Sai's in a last, desperate attempt to wake himself up.

Next thing he knows the heavy breathing and slapping sounds have faded away. No one restrains him, no movement that he can detect. When Naruto opens his eyes carefully he finds himself awake in his own room. Carefully he unclenches his jaw from his shoulder, leaning up slightly as he tries not to rest on his behind. He's sweating, his throat seems dry and when he looks at his own hand he finds it trembling tremendously. As slowly as he can he makes his way to the bathroom where he washes his face and hands, trying to get his breathing under control. When he looks into the mirror he's surprised to see his reflection to look practically the same as it always has. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair to him. Like a lie. He's not the same and he knows he'll never be the same again.

I can't think like this. Naruto thinks as he closes his eyes. Sasuke, think of Sasuke… He swallows hard as he remembers how his lover had held him throughout the night. Realising that he has no right to be down on himself with such a loving boyfriend Naruto takes a deep breath and pushes the tears away.

With a sigh he decides to go downstairs and confront his parents.

"No, you listen to me! You ought to be lucky that we aren't suing your grandson for what he did to our son! I don't care that he's blind, if you ask me he got what he deserved. Goodbye." Minato sighs in frustration as he hangs up with such a force that it surely would have broken the horn if it hadn't been a mobile.

"Dad?" Naruto asks while frowning, wondering whether he heard correctly.

"Naruto." Minato quickly turns to him, clearly surprised he hadn't noticed him. "Should you be up? How are you feeling?"

"Nothing sleep can help me with… What was that call about?" Naruto asks as he leans against the doorframe for support. Minato sighs while moving his hand through his hair.

"Apparently that bastard got glass in his eyes so he's practically blind now. The elders ask for compensation. As if we'd give it to them. So they say they'll try to sue us! Bastards!" Agitated Minato drops himself in the chair nearby.

Naruto isn't sure how to react to this news. It's not often has he seen his father this upset or mad. As for Sai; he really doesn't care. He'd like to say he'd be sorry to hear it, that he bereft the world of another great artist. But he really can't feel any compassion for the guy that gave him nightmares like the one he just woke up from. Serves him right, for there are no great artists, or people in general, who are capable of that. Those are just scumbags that deserve to get blinded and mutilated for forcing themselves onto others.

"Where is mom?" Naruto asks as he suddenly notices her absence.

"Resting." Minato answers and for a moment it seems like he considers his son before he continues. "Naruto, if it comes down to a lawsuit, would you be willing to testify against him? Tell the police everything that happened last night? Or if you'd like to make a report. Your mom and I will support any decision that you make."

"Are you asking me to relive all of that again?" The agitation is clear in the blonde's voice.

"Naruto, I wish it were different…" Minato answers with a sigh. "Sadly this case would be about one who got raped and one who got blinded. It would be your word against his. Because there isn't clear physical evidence of rape where there is of his sight being lost because of glass shards, there is no telling which side the jury would lean too…"

"That is such bullshit!"

"I know! Trust me, son, I know." With a set jaw Minato stares unseeingly at the table in front of him. "It's not fair, not right. There are situations like this all over the world. For centuries rape is something that just isn't recognized as something as severe as the loss of sight, or of a limp or anything causing disability."

"But it is, isn't it. It's worse than losing a limp for with any disability one can learn to live. But what was done to me…" Naruto chokes on the unspilled tears, his voice hitching as he forces them back. "I. will. Never. Be the same. Again. I will always remember this. And… and…" And I will always be afraid it might happen again… Naruto thinks as he can't say it out loud, folding in on himself, the doorframe being the only thing that prevents his shaking legs from folding. He tenses and jerks away when he feels hands that touch his upper arms. He quickly recognizes it's his father and as he looks up and sees him lower his arms, it's the looks in his eyes that crushes him. He pities me. Naruto thinks and he quickly looks away, turning so he's at the other side of the wall, closing his eyes to gain his composure.

"Naruto-"

"How big is the chance that we'd lose the case if it became one?" Naruto interrupts his father though he refuses to face him again. Minato sighs while moving his hand over the back of his head.

"It depends on the evidence that is offered. We'd probably plead self-defence, which means you'd have to tell your side of the story. They probably would want to do a medical assessment as well…"

"Fuck no." Naruto growls. The thought of some stranger poking at his sore ass is the last thing he'd want right now. "And the only way we can prevent it becoming a case is if we pay the asked compensation for his loss of sight." Naruto turns the corner but stares angrily at the wall ahead of him, resigned to the injustice of it all.

"I'm afraid so…" Minato answers as Kushina walks into the room quietly.

"It's like paying him for raping me!" Naruto shouts in anger as he hits the wall nearby. The anger he feels is nearly as overwhelming as when he threw that glass in the bastards face.

"I'm so sorry, Naruto. I know it's unfair-"

"Do you?!" Naruto interrupts his mother who stands close to her husband. "You know what's unfair? You. Both of you. You brought me there for this! You brought me there to be courted. It's because of you, my parents, that he got those ideas in his head! You exposed me to him. You might as well have delivered me on a platter!"

"Naruto that's enough!" Minato cuts him of, holding his beloved close while Kushina holds a hand over her mouth. "You have no idea how hard this disaster has affected you mother."

"Yeah. Sure." Naruto answers sarcastically.

"Naruto I never wanted this to happen. I wish I could take this pain from you…" Kushina says as tears shimmer in her eyes, wanting nothing more than to hold her child. "You're my precious baby, I- we love you. All we wanted was to protect you…"

"Protect me?!" Naruto says in a ridiculous tone while he removes himself from the wall. "Oh, well then it's alright. Sure, I get raped and traumatized, but hey it's okay, you brought me there because you wanted to protect me. All you did was out of love and so whatever the consequences are don't matter!" The sarcastic act ends there. "You should have trusted me! Ever since Sasuke, no ever since I came out you've been doubting my judgement! I am not your baby, not your little boy, I am grown up enough to make my own decisions and live with the consequences. I hate it that you distrust me so that you think you have to decide whom I end up with. It's almost like an arranged marriage! What gave you the right to meddle with my love life!" Naruto shouts in full anger, angry tears shimmer in his eyes and where Kusina's are already flowing down her cheeks he refuses to let them roll down his own.

"Naruto-" Minato starts as his own eyes are wet as well.

"I hate this! I hate you! And I will never forgive you for ruining my life like this!" Naruto shouts, feeling the tears finally spill, and he quickly turns round to run back up the stairs, up to his room. He ignores the pain it causes him until he has smashed the door behind him. His parents, in shock and overcome by grief because of his words, remain downstairs. As soon as they hear the slamming of the door Kushina sinks to the floor and she can't help but sob into her husband's shoulder.

I cannot stay here a second longer. Naruto thinks as he takes out his backpack and starts to shove underwear and such inside. I can't stand the sight of them… God, Sasuke, how I miss you. I thought I could do this on my own, but clearly I need you more than I thought… Angrily Naruto wipes his eyes. With his backpack slung over his shoulder he moves to the window, opens it and steps outside.

"Shit, you really needed this huh?"

"Shut up." Sasuke growls with another slam. The brunette smirks, which turns into a grimace as his body rocks with the force. Both of them are out of breath, sweat rolling down Sasuke's temples as he moves fast and hard.

"That all you got, Uchiha?" The brunette asks. "Not sure what got you riled up but you better work harder to get it out of your system." Another groan escapes his lips as he catches another sharp movement of the raven. Sasuke could really smack the wind out of him like that.

"Want –hah- me to hurt –huff- you?" Sasuke says between each movement and smirks. "Didn't pick you for a masochist."

"Not much choice… When it comes down to you. Ghn." After that Sasuke speeds up, the sound of his hits becoming faster and faster. With one last angry growl he slams as hard as he can, his partner barely holding on.

"H-how about a break?" He asks and Sasuke steps away as he wipes the sweat of his forehead.

"Can't handle anymore? Am I too hard on you?" Sasuke answers his partner playfully.

"Ghah, never. I just don't want you to get overheated." The brunette replies while he moves to get a towel, which he throws to Sasuke, who catches it. They both sit down next to each other as they share a bottle of water. "So Sasuke, how about you tell me what's going on." Sasuke sighs while he looks down.

"You know it's really none of your business, Neji." Sasuke replies at which Neji hums, but remains quit for a bit.

"You call me at near seven on a Sunday-morning. I'm not just your material arts partner you know. I can do more than hold the punching bag while you hit all that pent up anger out." Neji looks down as well, seemingly in thought before he continues. "I can be your friend too, someone to talk to." Sasuke leans back with his head against the wall while he looks at the ceiling of the gym. The place was deserted but for the two of them, it normally not being opened at this hour. Luckily his trainings partner was the son of the owner of the place. Though their partnership started rather professional, both being the rather stoic type, they quickly came to appreciate each other and Sasuke found they had quite a bit in common. Being also the silent type he knows Neji can listen well and is capable of keeping a secret. What's more is that he would understand considering he had a boyfriend as well.

"My boyfriend got raped last night." Sasuke whispers and just saying that causes such a sadness to overcome him, now that most anger has been hit out, that he can't say anything more for a while.

"Shit, Sasuke…" Neji answers, equally quiet. "Can't imagine what I would do if that happened to Gaara…" It remains silent for a little while as both guys think it over.

"I wish I could have done something… That I could do something to… To…" A pregnant sigh escapes Sasuke's lips and Neji thinks on it for a moment.

"Does he have someone to talk to? Someone who maybe experienced the same?" Neji asks at which the raven frowns as he thinks it over.

"I don't think so, no."

"I see." Neji replies and another silence falls, comfortable silences were common in their interaction. It made Sasuke feel at ease and appreciated. "Before Gaara and I got together he had… A bad relationship with someone… I won't go into details but he had a rough childhood, causing some abandonment issues. This guy took advantage of that. Pretending to love him while all he did was use him for his own desires." Sasuke turns to his friend at that. "Honestly it just makes my blood boil just thinking about that." Neji says with an old anger in his eyes, he sighs and the anger is gone.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?" Neji asks as he turns to the Uchiha.

"Let go of that anger like that. All I can think about is how I want to kill the son of a bitch."

"You really think I didn't want to when Gaara first told me? I almost made him tell me who the bastard was."

"Did you? Find out who he was?" Sasuke asks.

"Of course. Not through Gaara, but I had other resources to find out." Neji smirks sadistically. "Turns out he moved away to some far of place. I knew Gaara didn't want me to go after him and my time was better spent being at his side. Knowing what he looked like was enough, for it meant I could keep him away from my lover if ever he dared show his face again."

"I can see how that can be reassuring." Sasuke replies and he takes a moment to reassess all Neji had told him. "You think Gaara would want to talk about it? With someone who is practically a stranger to him?" Neji shrugs at that before standing up to stretch for a bit.

"Won't know till I ask. It's been years for him. I know you're a good guy, guessing you got good taste. And whomever decides to love lone wolfs like us must have something in common all right." They both smirk at that. "No pressure, just ask him when you think it's right." Sasuke nods and stands up as well to stretch out and he can't help the yawn that escapes him.

"Thanks, man." Sasuke says with a genuine smile. Somehow he feels a whole lot lighter.

He had rushed off in anger and by the time he became more aware of his surroundings he had reached the park already. With the adrenaline fading Naruto notices the bridge where he had broken up with Sasuke. He wonders now if it was the biggest mistake he ever made, if it was just the starting event that led to this recent trauma. As he moves on he finds the tree where Sasuke had once taken his anger out on him, when he had wondered whether life was worth living. Whether he has an answer now he wasn't sure. The pain accompanying every step seems to say no but the person he finds at his current destination would cause him to say a definite yes.
He clenches his backpack tighter as he suddenly feels a presence and he gets acutely aware of others in the park. It's probably around eight by now, so there were not many people at the park. Thunder sounds in the distance, causing the blond to feel more on edge. A man wearing a hoody is visible a few meters away and Naruto does his best to keep as much distance as is inconspicuous when he goes around him. He can't help but look over his shoulder multiple times to see if he's being followed. How unlikely is it really that the guy might assault him, pull him into some nearby bushes. There didn't seem to be anyone else around and he'd wonder if he'd have the strength to scream if it happened. As the dark thoughts assail him, Naruto quickens his phase.
When he's out of the park the streets get a bit busier and he relaxes a bit more. Yet he can't help but want to make himself small, unseen. For somehow it feels as if everyone knows what has happened to him, like they are all staring at him. Some with pity, like his father, some like predators, like the molester at the club. It's madness, he knows, and yet he can't help but look over his shoulder every once in a while to see if he's being followed.
When a hand suddenly pulls him back by his backpack he instantly lashes out to step away from the person.

"Whoa, easy there. Just stoppin' ya from getting' run over." An older man says as he points at the red light, which Naruto hadn't noticed.

"Uhm, thanks. Sorry." Naruto answers after which the light turns green and he rushes to cross the road and head into the calmer section that leads to the Uchiha's residence. Got to keep it together. Almost getting run over, now wouldn't that make this disaster more dramatic. Naruto thinks with irony.

It doesn't take him long to reach his destination and only just in time he remembers to move around the house to go to the backdoor, not wanting to meet the brother of his lover for the first time in this state. What kind of a first impression would that make. Hy, I'm Naruto, your precious little brothers boyfriend. I just ran away from home after I got raped because my parents thought someone else was better for me than your little brother. Yeah, that would go over well… Naruto shakes his head with a half-smile as he moves to the backdoor. Carefully he sneaks up to the window to see if he can spot someone inside. It seems to be completely still and quiet. Carefully he turns the handle, surprised to find it unlocked. Well if that's not an invitation. Silently Naruto opens the door, wincing at the sound the door makes, hoping nobody heard. He remains still for a few seconds longer, straining his ears to pick up any sound. As he hears nothing he moves inside and gently, carefully closes the door behind him.

"What the?!" A voice says behind him and Naruto quickly turns around, feeling and looking like a deer caught in headlights.

To be continued…

So what do you think the next line in the story will be? Take a guess and next upload you'll see how close you are.
Sorry for the long wait, again. But I do hope to upload this story more often from now on seeing that collage is almost over permanently (I hope this time for sure). Huh, come tot think of it the title reflects my own life perfectly, seeing that I failed finals like four times and next week will be my fifth try. (That's a whole year extra ya know!)

Also, there is something important i got to say. With what i write here, about the rape and the aftermath that Naruto is going through. I mean no disrespect to anyone who has experienced this. I have never experienced it, lets be clear about that. However I can imagine that it's something that you don't just experience once once it has happened. That the fight to recover from something like that is just beginning and is at least as hard and painfull. If anything I'd say I'd want people to be more aware of that. That yes, rape is as bad, if not worse, as losing a limp or any other bad injury.
That said if anyone is bothered by what I write about this topic or thinks something is inaccurate, do let me know!

I already started writing the next part. Itachi will be a part of that, obviously. Sasuke will be juggling and there will be some fluff and romance with him and Naru. Look forward to that!
(Oh! And did you fall for the Sasuke-Neji boxing part? Clever, no?) XP