Hey everyone, Here's the next chapter. I'm putting a trigger warning on it right now because it gets dark. So dark I'm actually worried about how I came up with this. This chapter revolves around Nora dealing with being back in her own time and how she's mourning Steve and Bucky. She get's really depressed, has a brief suicide attempt, and does some things she immediately regrets. If any of these things are trigger for any of you DO NOT READ! This is me warning you all right now. Side note it only gets worse before it gets better. SO without further ado here it is.
We landed in Boston at night local time. Dad decided not to take the jet back instead we hopped into my car which I had left at the airport and he was going to fly back in the suit he had with him. Just like I told dad in the hospital our first stop was picking up Axl. I had dropped him off at a dog hotel that allowed pick up whenever you wanted. I cried when Axl tackled me. He was still the rambunctious puppy I adopted a few months ago. He still growled at everyone that came near me and still growled at Dad when I wasn't looking.
"Aw who's a good boy?" I said petting him. My eyes were tearing up. Axl barked and licked my cheek before nuzzling into my neck.
"Come on buddy, let's go home." I said wiping my tears and walking out.
"Hi mutt." Dad greeted. Axl just sat obediently at my side and growled.
"Dad cut it out, Axl shush." I said. Axl stop and dad just gave me a look. I put Axl in the back seat and buckled him in.
"Where to?" Dad asked.
"Burgers." I said.
"You want to get a burger right now?" He said.
"Why not? I just woke up from eight hours of sleep." I said driving off.
We grabbed burgers and headed back to my apartment. We sat on the floor of the living room and watched the last Back to the Future that we found playing on a random channel. Then the train scene started and I shut off the TV.
"Hey, it was just getting to the best part." Dad whined.
"That's the worst part. There's no way the Delorean wouldn't have gotten crushed by the train or at least rolled over." I argued.
"But you love that part." Dad said.
"Guess I grew out of it." I said getting up and cleaning up the burger wrappers and napkins from the coffee table.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Dad asked.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I said going back to sit on the couch. Axl jumped up and cuddled next to me.
"You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?" He asked.
"Of course when have I kept anything from you. No secrets remember." I said feeling guilty for breaking one of our most important rules.
Dad looked at me suspiciously but didn't say anything. He looked at his phone and I guessed he had a few messages. "I think it's time for me to go. Are you sure you don't want me to stay or that you don't want to come with?" Dad asked.
"I'm sure Dad. Thanks for saving me." I said hugging him.
"You don't have to thank me it's my job." He said.
"Well Iron Man has been on a roll lately." I said sarcastically.
"I meant as your Dad," He said.
"I knew that."
"You have roof access?" Dad asked.
"Sure, follow me." I led dad outside the apartment to the end of the hall and up the stairs to the roof.
Dad got the briefcase activated and put the suit on.
"I like the upgrade. Do you have to check that or is it a carry on?" I joked.
Dad just tilted his head and I could picture the look he had under the helmet. "Billionaire remember? I don't fly commercial." He said making me crack a smile.
"I would pay a billion dollars to see you fly commercial." I retorted.
"You have a billion dollars?" Sad snarked back.
"No but my dad is a billionaire and I'm sure he could give me a low interest loan." I said.
"I'd have to see a business plan before I invest my hard earned money." He said.
"Post that video on YouTube, get a few sponsors. You'll be raking in money before that plane takes off." I said giving him my business plan. That made us both laugh.
"I'll call you tomorrow to check on you. Also call Rhodey he was worried." Dad says.
"I will, have a safe flight." I said. He activated the suit's thrusters and flew off.
"Looks like it's just you and me Buddy." I told Axl. He rubbed his head against my leg.
We went back downstairs and straight to bed. I got onto my Harry Potter Pj's and thought back to the time Gramps and I got so drunk we took the train because I wanted to see platform nine and three quarters and ended up in Scotland. I wonder what Gramps is doing now, or sixty-nine years ago. I looked over to my nightstand to check my phone and saw that it was a quarter past one in the morning. Next to my phone was the photo of Steve and Bucky taken on Christmas. I saw that photo and it all came crashing down.
They were gone and I was here. How am I supposed to go on without them? I started sobbing, and crying. I didn't notice my powers were acting up until Axl started barking. A glass of water flew through the air and hit the wall shattering. Axl whined, startled by the glass shattering. That snapped me out of it.
I fell to my knees on the ground. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry." I sobbed and I curled into myself on the ground. Axl curled up next to me. How am I supposed to live without them?
Three Months Later-
You know that saying, Time Heals All Wounds? That's a load of bullshit. Every time I look at that photo I start sobbing uncontrollably. Anytime I hear someone say the name Steve. I feel like someone punched me in the gut. Do you have any idea how many people are named Steve in Boston? To fucking many.
The first month that I got back, I thought that everything in the 1940's was just some weird hallucination my brain made up to cope with the stress of being trapped in that room in Geneva. Then I time jumped to Asgard. On the plus side the Time Stone is picking times I'm not busy. Just kidding everyone in the clinic thinks I might have kidney problems because of all the times I fake needing to used the bathroom.
I popped in the Aesir.
"Nora, you come at a joyous time." Heimdall greeted. I proceeded to pass out. I woke up in the palace infirmary.
"You have finally awoken." I heard Frigga say.
"Oh crap this is actually real. Oh fuck this actually happening… Steve and Bucky are…" I said starting to hyperventilate.
"Nora, It's going to be alright." Frigga said trying to get me to relax. The space around me started to glow gold. I felt myself relax. The tightness in my chest was lessened.
"Why me?" I cried.
Frigga came over to sit beside me and hugged me. "You have been through much in a short time."
"It's been a month and I still feel like crap." I said wiping away tears.
"Time heals all wounds, One day it'll hurt less but until then you must be strong and endure."
Then I started getting the chills and then glowed. Stupid Stone.
By the Second Month, I was slightly more put together. Slightly being the key word. Jess was a month away from giving birth to my nephew and she was debating baby names.
"I hate you so much right now." She said over Skype. I was pouring myself a glass of wine and Jess had previously mentioned she was craving some.
"Shit sorry." I poured the glass down the sink and put the rest of the wine in the fridge.
"I was kidding" Jess said but the grateful look in her eye said otherwise.
"Sure you were, so baby names?" I asked.
"We've narrowed it down. There's Samuel, after his Dad." Jess started.
Sam popped in behind her and said loud enough for me to hear, "Vote for that one Nora" before Jess shoed him away.
"So Sam Junior, what else?" I asked.
"Fitzgerald" Jess said making a yuck face. I wrinkled my nose and shook my head no.
"James," She said making me stop smiling. I felt a pain in my chest and tears stinking my eyes.
"That's a strong name." I said my voice cracking a bit.
"And lastly, Connor." She said her face lighting up.
Tears started falling down my face. "Connor's my favorite. Very Irish." I said forcing a smile.
"Nora are you okay?" Jess asked worried.
"Uh, yeah sorry, just had a long week and I'm feeling really emotional. I can't wait to meet the little bugger." I said through tears.
"Aww sweetie, you know you can talk to me about anything. Tell me what's going on." She said.
"I haven't slept much, I'm working in the geriatrics ward, and I'm just really happy for you guys." I said tearing up even more.
"Then why are you staying up so late? You should be asleep right now." Jess said.
"I was really looking forward to our weekly Skype Chat. You guys made my day." I sobbed.
"You made my day too." She cried.
"I'm sorry, I ruined your morning." I said wiping tears off my cheek.
"No you didn't. I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck at home until this little guy is out. Sam is driving me insane with all the coddling. But stop changing the subject. I don't want you making yourself sick. You're going to be here in two weeks. I need you to promise me that you'll start taking care of yourself. Okay. So that means go to sleep and getting at least seven hours of sleep. I mean it Elenora." She said in a motherly voice.
"Jess my name is actually just Nora. It's on my birth certificate." I said chuckling sadly.
"You know what I mean." She said.
"I know, I promise. I'll start tonight." I promised.
"Good, Love you sis," She said.
"Love you too." I said giving her a sad smile before ending the call.
I hated breaking my promises but I just couldn't sleep anymore. I grabbed the wine from the fridge and went to my room where the picture of Steve and Bucky was. I looked at the picture and cried while drinking wine straight out of the bottle. The pain is never going to go away. I wish I only knew what Peggy told me when she gave me that picture. Oh shit.
One week later I took Axl on a road trip down to DC. I arrived at the retirement home and Peggy was waiting in the garden with tea and scones. Seventy years later she still starts her day with the same thing.
"Nora, what a wonderful surprise." She greeted with a smile but the smile faded when she saw the look on my face.
"You knew." I said.
"It finally happened." She said not as a question but as a statement. "How long since you got back and from where?"
"Almost two and a half months since Steve died, for me anyway." I said.
"I'm sorry Nora." She said.
"Are you?" I said angrily.
"You're angry." She said sipping her tea.
"No shit Pegs, a little heads up would have been nice. You saw me a week before Geneva. You couldn't have said something like, 'Hey Nora just a heads up your going to be sent back in time to 1943, get captured and tortured by an insane Nazi scientist, meet the loves of my life and then watch them die." I said crying by the end of it. "I mean seriously, How could you just stand by and watch me walk into that mess?" I sobbed.
"Nora, I wanted to tell you. Dum-Dum almost let it slip a few times but we couldn't tell you because we promised we wouldn't." She said.
"To who?" I said.
"To you." She said.
"What?" I said.
"Sometime in your future you run into us and you make us promise not to tell you. You said that it would all make sense in the end but no matter what we couldn't tell you. We couldn't risk altering the timeline." She said.
"Did she know?"
"Anna?" Peggy asked.
"Did she know?" I asked.
"No, she didn't. She agreed to raise you out of her own choice. We never told her. She loved you like you were her own. She only contacted us after your soul marks appeared. She thought it would be better for you to learn about who they were from those who worked closely with them." Peggy said.
"So the martial arts classes, gymnastics, foreign languages… that was all her?" I asked.
"You're a very gifted young woman but you don't really socialize. Anna wanted you to come out of your shell. We suggested things that could help with that and give you skills you may need in the future." She explained.
"Bigger Picture." I muttered. "I can't be here. I'm sorry." I got up and put the leash back on Axl.
"It's okay Nora, I'll be here if you need me." She said as I walked out. I buckled Axl in and then drove out of there. I drove through DC trying to clear my head. I made it to the entrance of Arlington Cemetery before I finally snapped out of it. I got out of the car with the intention of going in but I couldn't take a step forward. I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket but I just let it go to voice mail. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in there. I turned around, got in the car and drove back to Boston.
Seven and a half hours later I was getting out of the elevator of my building. Axl recognized where we were and ran to the door I heard him bark at someone. I turned the corner ready to pull him off one of the law students that lived down the hall when I saw who he was barking at.
"You weren't answering your phone." Dad said. "I brought pizza."
And for the fourth time that day I started crying.
By the third month I wasn't crying as much. I could hear someone say their names without crying. Now I only cried myself to sleep. I finally got to Dublin. Things were good. I helped Jess decorate the nursery. I put together the Crib after Sam couldn't figure out the confusing Swedish.
Then finally the day came. It was a pretty normal day. We got up to eat breakfast and as Jess got up to get some orange juice her water broke.
Sam started panicking pretty quickly. I made Jess some tea and she went to take a warm bath. Sam started quoting parenting books he read. I said, "I'm a medical student, I've seen a live birth, relax." I said. I made him sit down and drink some tea while I started timing Jess' contractions. At the six-minute mark we headed to the hospital. By the time we got there, she was down to four and a half.
Sam and Jess went into the birthing room while I stayed in the waiting room. About thirty minutes later Dean and Lisa finally got there. They were bickering the entire time. I wonder if this was how the Commandos felt when Bucky, Steve, and I bickered while we were on the front lines? Nope, don't go there, I thought to myself.
After two hours, I decided to take a walk and grab everyone some coffee.
"Hey Sorry about that." Dean said sneaking up on me.
"Um, it's fine. You can't be in a relationship without getting into an argument once in a while." I said awkwardly. I had been doing that a lot lately. I didn't really see the point in socializing or making small talk. I was just numb. I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. It was easy to fool Dad but Jess and Sam weren't so easily fooled.
"That's not true. We were in a relationship and we never fought." Dean answers.
"That was different. I don't think we could really call it a relationship." I say putting the coffees in a cup holder.
"It was two people that cared about each other and were together. I'd call that a relationship." Dean argued.
"Dean we were friends for four months before we spent a night together and I left before you woke up and three months later you met Lisa and ended things over Skype. We only had that one night. It was a one-night stand." I argued.
"Is that all you thought it was?" Dean said a bit hurt.
"I loved you, you were my first big love but tell me did what you felt for me even compare to what you feel for Lisa?" I said. He stood there shocked. I turned around and walked back to the waiting room.
Lisa was sitting in the waiting room tapping her foot impatiently. Probably a bad idea to give her more caffeine. Oh well.
"Hey Lisa, I got you a coffee. If there's one thing hospital cafeteria's do get right its coffee." I said handing her a cup.
"Oh, um thank you." She said looking at the cup awkwardly.
Dean came back at the same time Sam walked in. He was still wearing a hospital gown over his clothes and a hair net. He had tears in his eyes and the biggest smile on his face.
"It's a boy. Eight pounds, two ounces. Perfectly healthy." He said crying tears of joy. For the first time in three months I actual managed to smile without forcing it, and I cried not because I missed Steve and Bucky but because I realized that this was the beginning of the future where I'm an Aunt. Time wants to happen.
"Congrats Sam," I said hugging him.
"Thanks Nora, Jess wants to see you." Sam said.
"Yeah of course. Just let me grab some things." I went over to the bench I was sitting on and grabbed the flowers I got for Jess and the gift with balloons I got.
"Wow, did you buy out the entire gift shop?" Sam said chuckling.
"I got you coffee." I said handing him a cup.
"You're the best." He said leading me to Jess' room.
I walked in and saw her in bed holding a small blue bundle in her arms.
"Hi, I said softly.
"Hey," Jess said smiling up at me before looking back down at her son.
"These are for you, along with this." I said handing Sam everything so he could open them later.
"Get your butt over here and meet your godson." She said scooting over on the bed so I could sit closer.
I took a seat at the edge of the bed and she put the baby in my arms. I looked at the chubby baby in my arm.
"Hi sweetheart. I'm your auntie Nora." I cooed. At that the baby cracked a small smile. "He's beautiful Jess, congrats." I said.
"Yeah, hard to believe he's already here." She said taking a picture with her phone.
"So, did you two finally decide on a name?" I asked gently rocking the baby as he started to fuss.
"We did." Sam said giving Jess a look, telling her she could do the honors.
"Say hello to Connor Samuel Winchester." Jess said.
"That's a great name." I said smiling. I put the baby back in Jess's arms.
"She told you the name before this didn't she?" Sam said.
"Yeah, but only because I wanted to buy this." I said pulling out a blue monogrammed baby beanie with his name on it.
"Aww," Jess said tearing up.
"Nora, you shouldn't have." Sam said. "You've already bought him more than enough things. Seriously we're running out of room in the nursery."
"I'm his godmother, it's my job to spoil him." I said.
That was the first happy day I'd had in a long time, but even that didn't last long. I stayed in Dublin for two weeks helping Jess and Sam get used to life with a little one. I had to get back to Boston. Classes were starting up soon and it was my last year and apparently I was graduating early, again. I didn't have any distractions so I buried myself in schoolwork. Even the occasional trip to Asgard didn't interfere with my work since the stone always brought me back. Most of my time in Asgard was spent either catching up with Heimdall and Frigga, energy projection practice with Loki, or sparing with Sif, Thor and the warriors three. When I say sparing, I meant with Sif everyone else just watched.
The emotional numbness I felt the days before Connor's birth came back full swing. There was nothing left for me. Dad had his own thing going on in New York. Jess and Sam had Connor to keep them occupied. I had nothing. There was nothing keeping me going.
One night I was on the roof of the building and I was looking down. I climbed onto the ledge and looked down. One step and it would all be over. I had nothing left to lose.
"That won't solve anything." I heard someone say from behind me.
"I know, I was just admiring the view." I said turning around. Standing there was Agent Coulson.
"I've heard that one before." He said. "Would you mind stepping off the ledge?"
"That's a poor choice of words." I retorted stepping down and walking toward the table where I had left my phone. No signal, that's weird.
"I'm here to ask you about the incident in Geneva. You were supposed to be debriefed in the hospital but you were released earlier than expected then took a red eye back to Boston." Coulson said.
"I'm not a fan of hospitals and I had things to do." I answered.
"I've been told. You're graduating from Harvard Medical a year early. That's not something they allow often."
"Guess my professors are tired of me falling asleep in class." I said with a shrug.
"Quite the contrary, they actually think you're not being challenged enough. You've done more internship hours than anyone else in your class and you have perfect scores on all of your exams."
"I thought I was being debriefed not having a meeting with an academic counselor." I said.
"It's just an observation. Back to Geneva, What are the chances everyone in that conference room blacked out for the entire ten hours they were trapped in there?" Coulson said.
"I'd say we were lucky. A malfunction in an active supercollider, there could have been a radiation leak, or even more damage. The whole building could have collapsed on us." I answered.
"You're not the first person to say that. How long have you known Tony Stark?" He asked.
"What does this have to do with what happened in Geneva?" I asked.
"Tony Stark isn't known for flying around the world to help deal with a freak accident without a reason." He said. So that's what he wants to know. He's a spy, the people he works with are trying to dig up all the information they can.
"I've known him since freshman year at MIT, it's a mentorship program a school counselor recommended. Thought that since I was younger than the rest of my peers it would help me adapt better. He actually offered me an internship and Stark Industries but I turned it down. I'm better suited for a medical career, I can help more people that way." I answered.
"Is he the one who gave you a ride back to Boston that same day?" He asked.
"He offered a trip on his private jet. What sounds better, a nine and a half hour direct flight on a private jet or ten hours and a two hour layover on a commercial plane?"
He just gave me an unreadable face. He was smiling slightly; I'm guessing he found my answer amusing.
"I know which one I'd pick." He said. "That's all the answers I have for know. We'll be in touch if anything comes up. And just so you know, the offer from before still stands." He said handing me his card.
"Thanks but the answers still the same." I said taking his card
"Before I leave, Here's the number of a colleague of mine. If you decide you want to call him, is completely up to you." He said handing me another card. Then he walked away.
I looked at the card he had handed me.
Andrew Garner
Clinical Psychiatrist
I am so not going to a shrink.
Third Person's POV
After the disaster in New Mexico and the mess in Geneva, Fury wasn't the only one who had a long week. Coulson and Barton were sent to New Mexico to deal with an 084 that had turned out to be not just a Hammer, but Thor's Hammer, Mjolnir. Things just got a whole lot crazier from there. Barton was given some time off while Coulson was stuck cleaning up the messes from New Mexico, Harlem, and Geneva.
Then Tony Stark flew half way around the world to clean up rubble from a super collider malfunction and rescue an eighteen-year-old scientist with no known relation to him. That raised even more questions about the potential asset, Nora Martell.
Clint was reassigned to be the girl's shadow for the third time in three years. Coulson was expecting him to complain about being stuck on babysitting duty but he was happy to accept the responsibility. He was probably just as curious as he was to find out why Tony Stark was so determined to rescue the girl.
Coulson walked up the stairs of the building across the street from Nora's building and opened the door to the roof. At the corner near the ledge was Agent Clint Barton watching the building across the street through his binoculars.
"How'd it go?" Clint asked
"As well as can be expected, Some of Stark's habits have rubbed off on her." Coulson said.
"So she avoided answering all your questions." Clint said.
"She even joked about jumping off the side of the building." Coulson said making Clint raise and eyebrow at that.
"She doesn't seem like the type to take the easy way out." Clint said.
"A lot has changed in the past few months. Keep an eye on her. This might be a warning of something bigger." Coulson said.
Clint just nodded. He had seen first hand how traumatic experiences could destroy a person's mind. How many agents had taken matters into their own hands because they couldn't handle the stress of the job. He had seen the look on the girl's face when she stood on the ledge of that building. He wouldn't let that happen.
Nora's POV-
I stood in my bathroom looking at my reflection in the mirror. I had lost weight and the lack of sleep was pretty obvious with the dark circles under my eyes. I had a bottle of painkillers that I got from when I had my wisdom teeth removed a few months ago. They would do a better job than jumping off the fifth floor of the building would.
I was tired of feeling like this. Completely numb and floating through a pointless and empty life. My only regret in all of this was leaving Dad alone. He deserved better than having me as a daughter. I left him a note telling him that. He was still pretty young and things were going good with him and Pepper. He could probably have another kid, one that wouldn't turn out as screwed up as I did. I left enough food and water for Axl so that he'd have something to get him through however long it took anyone to find my body. I left instructions with an attorney and set up a trust fund for Connor and any other kids Jess and Sam might have.
Everything was ready. I went to sit on my bed and took one last look at the picture of Steve and Bucky. "See you on the other side." I said. I swallowed a handful of vicodin and washed them down with a glass of wine. I started to feel light headed but not because of the pills. I got the chills and I started glowing. This thing really won't let me die in peace.
'You're not dying anytime soon' I heard the stone's voice echo in my head. The glowing got brighter and brighter until I couldn't see. When I opened my eyes again I was at a dock near the water front of what looked to be New York City.
"What the hell?" I said. I started feeling a bit dizzy and nauseous.
"Did you hear that?" I heard a woman ask.
"Were you followed?" A man said.
"No sir, we took back roads and were did not encounter anyone.." A man with a familiar British accent answered. I walked out from behind the crates and saw Gramps, Jarvis and Peggy, who looked just like they did the last time I saw them.
"Grandpa?" I said confused.
"Nora?" He said surprised to see me.
"Nora where the bloody hell have you-" Peggy started before I interrupted her by throwing up in a bucket that was lying around. I did that for a few minutes until I finally stopped.
"Aw that felt horrible." I groaned.
"Kid where the hell have you been?" Gramps greets.
"Good to see you too Gramps, I got sent back to my own time and have been pretty crappy how about you?" I greeted.
"You disappeared almost a year ago, the war ended, Someone stole some of my inventions, sold them on the black market, and now I'm on the lamb." He said.
"Sir, you are falling behind schedule," Jarvis said reminding Gramps of the fact that he's a fugitive.
"Nora what wrong?" Peggy asked.
I could lie to them but Peggy could smell bullshit a mile away. "Almost jumped off a building, got interrupted so instead I swallowed a handful of painkillers with some wine. The stone won't let me die so now I'm purging. Doing great by the way." I said before I ran around the corner and started throwing up again.
"That's… Wait, What?!" I heard Gramps say.
"Howard, you don't have time for this. We'll take care of Nora, you need to get a move on." Peggy said.
Gramps sighed. "You're right. Nora, we're having a very serious conversation when I get back."
"Sounds fun." I managed to say before I threw up again. I heard a boat motor turn on and then water splashing.
"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" Peggy yelled.
"Miss Carter, now may not be the time for this. Especially not in Miss Stark's condition." Jarvis said.
At that instant it started up again. The chills and the glowing. "I think we're going to have to wait until next time Pegs." I said before I was gone. When I opened my eyes I was back in my room in Boston.
"You are such and idiot." I heard the stone say.
"Fuck off." I said.
"Why would you do something so stupid?"
"Because I don't feel anything. It's been three months and I can't move on. Every time I close my eyes I see Bucky fall off that train. Anytime it gets too quiet I hear Steve's last words. I don't care about anything anymore; I just want it all to stop. Nothing makes me happy. I can't cry anymore and nothing bothers me. I wasn't even afraid to die because guess what, there's nothing left for me. They're gone. They left me behind. They were my god damn world and they're gone. I don't want to feel numb, I want to feel something anything because right now it feels like I'm dead," I said raising my voice shattering all the glass in the apartment.
"If you really think that then you're a bigger fool than I thought. If you want to try and kill yourself again, go ahead, just know it won't work, I won't let it. You still have a job to do and your time is far from over. Find a way to deal with it and move on." It said before disappearing.
I was so screwed. Axl clawed at the door and walked into the room. He jumped onto the bed and whined. I pet his head and lay on my back.
October 2011- Six and a Half Months Since Steve's Death
It's been six and a half months since Steve died. Three months since my last time jump. I stopped trying to… do that. There was no point in it. I can't fake being okay anymore. Lucky or unlucky for me dad's been a bit too busy to notice. Rhodey's been by to visit a few times but he buys the whole exhausted medical student excuse. Things in school are good. Perfect scores all around. I'm graduating top of my class in a few months, so I got that to look forward to.
I got to Dublin a few days ago. It's time for Connor's baptism. He's probably the only good thing in my life right now, well him and his parents. Jess and Sam are a bit worried. They're practically glued to my side at this point. I can fake a smile now, I guess I'm getting better.
After the baptism there was a small get together at a pub close to Jess and Sam's apartment. They had an open bar which Dean and I took full advantage of.
Speaking of Dean, he was named Connor's godfather. Lisa didn't take the news that I was chosen over her so well and decided to ditch the entire thing. Dean was a bit tense whenever anyone asked about it so we all just dropped the subject.
We took drinks and the party went well. It ended after eight thirty and everyone went home. I decided to stay considering I had to be back in Boston for exams in three days I was taking advantage of my mini vacation.
"Dean what's going on?" I said after a few drinks.
'What do you mean? Were two good friends having some drinks at a pub." He said.
"I meant with you and Lisa. You were acting off the entire day." I said.
"We're taking some time apart." He said.
"What? Why?" I said shocked.
"We had a fight and she wanted some space." He said taking another shock.
"I'm sorry." I said.
"It was going to happen eventually." He said.
"Why do you say that?" I said.
"I never told her about us. So when she heard that conversation in the hospital a few months ago…" He said.
"Crap Dean, why didn't you ever tell her?" I asked.
"Because Lisa waited for me. She was never in any other relationships because she wanted to wait for her soul mate so when she said that I thought that if I told her she'd turn me down so I didn't say anything. She started having doubts said if the reason I was holding back in our relationship was because I still had feelings for you." He said.
"And you told her you didn't right?" I said. "Right?" I repeated.
"I didn't want to lie to her again." He said.
"What the hell Dean? Why would you do that?" I said
"Because ever since we had that conversation in the hospital I can't stop thinking about what would've happened if you had stayed that morning and If I never met Lisa. What if we were soul mates instead of the two of us?" he said.
"Dean, that doesn't matter. It is what it is and that's that." I say rubbing my wrists. It doesn't matter how bad things ended I wouldn't trade Steve or Bucky for the world.
"But it does Nora, You don't have any soul marks you're not bound to anyone. You chose to love me two years ago and I chose you the only difference is that I never stopped did you?" He said leaning in closer.
"Dean…" I whispered. He leaned in closer.
"Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop." He whispered. I didn't say anything. I should've said something but I didn't, I let him kiss me. When he did I felt sparks, nothing compare to what it was like being with Steve or Bucky but it was something. For the first time in six months I felt something inside the empty void inside of me. It wasn't exactly a good feeling but it was something.
Dean started to pull away but I put my hand on the back of his head and held him close deepening the kiss. He took that as his cue to put his arms around me and hold me close.
"Let's get out of here." He said once we finally pulled apart. We paid our tab and ran out of the pub and he hailed a cab. We were making out in the back when Dean pulled apart and started talking.
"Nora, I'm so happy." I put my hand over his mouth.
"No talking." I said kissing him again. He was hesitant and but went back at it. I remember getting out of the cab and making out in an elevator. We got to his door and he fumbled with his keys keeping one hand on me.
Once we were inside he moved me against a wall and started kissing me. I unbuckled his belt and I took off my underwear. He pulled his pants down and then picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. He lined himself up and thrust up into me. I bucked my hips against his making him rub against just the right spot. A few more thrusts and I was clenching against him making him groan. He stopped moving and pulled out.
He kneeled down and moved a leg over his shoulder. He kissed up my thigh, making his way up to my slit. I closed my eyes and imagined it was Steve kissing up my thigh. He licked my slit before finally sucking on my clit. I started bucking my hips against his face. He held my hips and worked his way down until he started eating me out. I tugged at his hair making me moan loudly. That spurred him on and he started working faster and faster until finally I climaxed.
Dean stood up and carried my limp form to his room. I don't remember much of what happened next all I remember is that when we were done he spooned me and kissed my shoulder.
"I love you beautiful." He said before dozing of. Those words made me snap out of whatever stupid drunk high I was on. What the hell did I just do?
I waited until he was completely knocked out before getting out of bed, getting dressed and getting the hell out of there. I felt so dirty. I felt ashamed of myself. How could I stoop so low?!
I walked around lost in thought until I finally ended up at Sam and Jess' door. It was around three or four in the morning. I sent them both a text then I heard footsteps and the door opened to reveal Sam, wearing plaid pajamas and a really bad bed head.
"Nora?" He said confused and rubbing his eyes.
"H-hey." I said my voice cracking a bit.
"What are you doing here at… three in the morning?" He said moving aside so I could walk in.
"I-I messed up Sam." I said crying. I started feeling nauseous just thinking about it. Sam must've noticed because he grabbed a trashcan and handed it to me just in time. I purged everything in my stomach while Sam held my hair back and rubbed my back.
"Sam, what's going on." Jess came in holding Connor.
"Nora isn't feeling well." He said getting up and taking Connor from her. "I'll put him to bed, I think she needs you right now."
Jess came to sit down next to me.
"Nora, what's going on?" She said handing me a napkin.
"I screwed up Jess. I did something so stupid. I am such a fuck up." I sobbed.
"Nora, listen to me, you're not a fuck up. You're going through a rough patch and you're also really drunk so you're probably exaggerating a bit. Let's go to the guest room. You're going to get some sleep and we'll talk in the morning when you're feeling a bit better and we can both actually remember the conversation." Jess said before yawning.
"But-"
"No buts young lady. Let's go." She said helping me up and leading me to her spare room.
She helped me take my shoes off and tucked me in. This was probably the last time Jess was going to be nice to me. When I told her what I did tomorrow morning, she was probably going to hate my guts.
The Next Morning-
I woke up the next morning with a giant headache and with the memories of what I did the night before.
I got up and heard voices in the apartment. Jess and Sam were probably up. I looked over to the night stand and saw that Jess left me a glass of water and some pain killers. That just made me feel even guiltier. I walked out of the room ready to face my fate when I heard Connor start crying. I decided to go say goodbye to my nephew before I got kicked out. As I got closer to his room I heard another voice in the living room with Jess, it was Lisa. My stomach was in knots. I walked into Connor's room and Sam was already in there.
"Hey you're up." Sam greeted happily as he changed Connor's diaper.
I didn't say anything, I just sat down in the rocking chair in the corner.
"Nora, you okay?" Sam asked.
"I did something really bad Sam." I said starting to tear up.
"Yeah you got really drunk." He said chuckling. When he saw the look on my face he stopped laughing. "Nora, it couldn't have been that-"
"I slept with Dean." I said.
Sam was shocked for a minute before he finally snapped out of it.
"What?" He said.
"I slept with Dean," I said sobbing.
"That fucking idiot." Sam muttered.
"I'm sorry." I said crying. "I so so sorry."
"Hey Nora, look at me. You need to calm down. This isn't all on you okay? Jess and I know something's off about you. We've noticed for a while. Lisa didn't leave Dean because of you, she left because Dean cheated on her with a girl from work. After Connor was born he started going on and on about how you should've been his soulmate and not Lisa. We told him to stay away from you, that you weren't in the best place okay. He knew and he still went for it. Yes you did do something wrong but it's not completely your fault. It's nothing you can't move past." He said.
"What the hell is wrong with me Sam? Why does everyone I ever care about either end up leaving me or just uses me like Dean did? How can you stand to be around me?" I said sobbing.
"Nora, we love you okay? You're our kid sister and we want to help but we can't unless you tell us what's wrong." Sam said kneeling in front of me.
"I met them," I said.
"Met who?" Sam asked.
"My soulmates." I cried.
"What? When? How? I thought you didn't had any soulmarks." He said.
I lifted up the sleeved of the pajamas Jess had given me to wear and took off the holosleeves on my arms. I moved my arms so my forearms were facing up and Sam could see my wrists.
"It happened a few months ago." I said.
"Why didn't you say anything? When can we meet them?" He asked happily making me cry.
"You can't. They died, both of them." I said crying.
"Nora, I-I'm so sorry." He said. "Is that why…"
"I don't want to do this anymore Sam." I said.
"Do what?" He asked.
"Feel numb. Last night was the first time in months I felt anything and it wasn't a good feeling. It was shame and guilt. Now I just feel like the shittiest person whoever existed." I said sniffling a bit.
"You're not the shittiest person who ever existed. There's a crapload of dictators and serial killers who get that title but you aren't one of them." He said making me chuckle a bit.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Sam asked.
"You guys had a lot going on." I said.
"That's not an excuse." He said.
"I wasn't ready to talk about it, I'm still not ready to talk about it but ignoring it isn't helping." I said.
"It'll get better." He said.
"That's what everyone keeps saying." I said. We heard the door close.
"I'll go check on Jess, mind keeping an eye on Connor?" He said.
"I got him go." With that Sam walked out of the room and probably went to go fill in Jess.
I walked over to the crib and looked down at my nephew. When he saw me he smiled and giggled.
"Hi buddy." I said offering my finger so he could grab it.
Then it happened. I started getting the chills. Oh crap I moved away from the crib and then Sam and Jess walked in.
"Nora I'm-" Jess started.
"That's going to have to wait." I said as I started glowing. I got brighter and brighter until I was gone.