Chapter 54:
As she drove from NJ State Prison back to her house, Lisa Cuddy let herself go, and cried. She hadn't let her guard down this much in a long time. After all, she had a reputation to keep up: a tough, demanding but respected Dean of Medicine.
Not right now. Now, she allowed herself to fully feel everything.
She wept for everything that had happened in the past few months; she wept for her repression of everything and for not coming to terms with any of it. She wept for anger at herself, at Chase, and at not knowing what she wanted and not knowing how she should feel.
Her anger towards Chase was surprising, even for her. Countless times, she had replayed the conversation in her head; the words that she would finally have with him, and it didn't go anything like she had expected. 'When do they, though?' she thought to herself, as she wiped her eyes, focusing on the road in front of her.
In truth, she didn't know what she expected with Chase, or how the conversation was going to play out. In the beginning, she was okay, and then she just lost it, verbally attacking him. She felt as though she was slowly falling apart, losing her grip. But she couldn't afford to let herself go. The only things that kept her going were House, her unborn son, and the hospital.
Finally parking the car in the driveway and walking into her house, Cuddy collapsed onto the couch, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, as she laid her head in her hands and finished sobbing.
She didn't know how long she wept for, but eventually all of the crying wore her out, and she fell asleep.
What felt like maybe a minute later, but in reality it was likely much longer, Cuddy was getting shaken awake. Opening her eyes, she gasped, startled as she saw a man sitting on the edge of the arm of the couch she was occupying.
"My god, James!" she shrieked, "You scared me. What are you – Why are you here? What time is it?" All these questions came tumbling out of her mouth at once.
Wilson smiled, and consulted his watch. "Sorry about that. It's about 10 PM, and I'm here because House asked me to check up on you."
Frowning, Cuddy looked down at her body, and saw she was covered in a gray blanket.
"I came in and saw you on the couch, and I got you a blanket," Wilson told her, seeing her confusion.
Propping herself slowly up onto her elbows, Cuddy looked at him. "When did you come here? I don't even know what time I got back here from the hospital," she lied.
"I came here about forty five minutes ago," Wilson told her, and locking eyes with her, he said, "And you didn't come here from the hospital."
Cuddy fixed him with a bemused look. "How do you know?"
"Because," Wilson began, with his eyes on her face, ready to gauge her reaction, "I followed you."
"You WHAT?" she exclaimed, staring wide-eyed at him.
"Well, not intentionally," he told her hastily, but further admitted, "I saw you turn around and go in the opposite direction from here."
"You had NO right," Cuddy scolded him, furiously, still staring at him. "How would you like it if I followed you in my car?"
Wilson put up his hands in mock defeat. "By all means, do it. However, I have nothing to hide."
"Oh, and you think I do?" Cuddy retorted, angrily.
"Well," Wilson began, "judging by the fact House thinks you came straight here, that means that he does not know that you went to Trenton State Prison to see the one person he wants to kill, so… yes, I do think you had something to hide."
Cuddy exhaled, knowing full well she wasn't going to win this argument.
Wilson continued, after gauging her reaction. "And based on your frustration level and red eyes, I take that it didn't go well?" he guessed.
Forcing a quiet chuckle, Cuddy replied through gritted teeth, "It was going fine until right before I walked out on him."
Wilson hesitated. He didn't want to push the issue. After all, it surely wasn't his place to do so.
"He's just so…" Her voice trailed off as she struggled to verbalize her thoughts. "… so damn adamant about what Greg thinks of him. I just got so pissed off at him. I just…he's wallowing."
"Just because I acknowledged my feelings with him doesn't mean that I can automatically move on with my life nor does it mean I am justifying what he did," Cuddy said, the words pouring out of her mouth as she locked eyes with the oncologist.
Wilson didn't say anything.
Cuddy exhaled. "I don't even know why I went there in the first place!" she exclaimed, disgusted with herself and the decisions she had made. "I was being stupid," she mumbled.
Hesitating, Wilson paused and reaching out, touched his boss's arm in a comforting manner.
"No, Lisa, you were not being stupid," he said, firmly, "You went to see how he was doing. You weren't doing anything different than simply interacting with another employee. Do NOT beat yourself up over this. You're being too hard on yourself." He paused and then continued after realizing she was not going to argue with him.
"Lisa, Chase hurt you. Intentionally or not, he hurt you. And you thought that as a way of dealing with it, you had to go see him. And there's nothing wrong with that."
He paused again, and looked into his boss's eyes, making sure he had her full attention before continuing.
"You have to trust me when I tell you that," he said, quietly.
"Thank you," Cuddy whispered, softly.
Wilson stood up. "Lisa, you did what you thought was right."
As Wilson picked up his jacket from the arm of the couch, Cuddy lifted herself up off the couch to walk him to the door.
"And there's nothing wrong with that," Wilson told her, as he followed her to the front door.
"You sure you're going to be okay?" he asked, concerned.
Cuddy nodded. "Yes, I will. Thanks."
"So, House is getting released tomorrow?"
"Yes," Cuddy told him, "He wants me to stay here tonight. I'll go pick him up tomorrow morning."
With his hand on the doorknob, Wilson turned to look at his boss, who he also considered a good friend.
"You do know that he is concerned about you."
She nodded. "I know," she whispered, as she placed a protective hand on her small belly.
After Wilson had left, Cuddy folded the blanket that he had draped over her, and placed it in the hall closet before proceeding to the bedroom.
Stripping off her clothes, Cuddy pulled on a pair of yoga pants and one of House's t-shirts, and after brushing her teeth, climbed into the welcoming queen size bed that awaited her. As she shut off the light and leaned back against the pillows, pulling the comforter up to her chest, Cuddy thought about the conversation that had taken place in her living room between her and Wilson.
She knew Wilson was trying to help her and was concerned for her out of the friendship. She knew he was trying to justify her actions. She wasn't even sure why she had gone to visit Chase. Part of her wanted some sort of closure, well at least the start of it, anyway.
Casting her thoughts aside, she tried to clear her mind. As exhaustion washed over her, sleep begged to intervene and, as she turned on her side, Cuddy caressed her abdomen, getting as close to her unborn son as she was able.
"I am very lucky to still have you," she whispered, as she felt her son shift in his mother's womb. "I love you and your daddy so much."
Closing her eyes, she drifted off to sleep, hoping that when House came home from the hospital the following day, that the upcoming weeks would be easier to deal with.
The next morning, after saying goodbye to Blythe, who had gone to the hospital earlier to say good-bye to her son, Cuddy drove to the hospital and after signing the discharge papers, headed to House's room.
Sliding the door open, she was surprised to see Robert Quigley standing by the bed.
"Lisa, hey," Dr. Quigley said. "I just want to go over some things before Greg gets released."
Waving her hand, Cuddy mentioned for him to go on, as she left the door ajar and walked over beside the bed.
"So," Quigley continued, from before Cuddy had walked in, "physical therapy on Thursday. Just a quick assessment thing, and then we'll start you with exercises next week. I got you an appointment with Laura McGuire. She's very good so don't drive her nuts like you do everyone else in this hospital."
House scowled and rolled his eyes.
Smirking, Quigley continued. "I'm also giving you Oxycodone. Do NOT mix your Vicodin with this. It should be enough to cover your shoulder and leg pain, if needed."
"I'll stop by the pharmacy and pick it up," Cuddy said, as Quigley handed her the prescription.
"How long do I have to wear this?" House asked, mentioning towards his sling.
"24/7 for the first 4 weeks. After that, or sooner, depending how your PT is going, we can start to lessen the amount of time you wear it. As to when you can start performing surgery again, well, let's just take it one day at a time," Quigley finished out.
"How are your ribs?"
"Better," House told him. "Still a little achy."
"Good. If they start to bother you, just ice them. And give yourself a few days off. You just had major surgery. Take it easy."
"Oh, I'll make sure he does," Cuddy piped up, smirking as House scowled playfully at her.
Smiling, Quigley said, "So, any questions, Greg? Lisa?"
They both shook their heads.
"Oh and try not to move your arm too much when it's not in the sling, like when you're getting dressed or taking a shower," Quigley added, "And do not make any sudden movements or lift your arm above your head. We don't want to set back your recovery time."
Once Quigley covered everything, he left, promising to check on House in physical therapy the following week.
Cuddy and a nurse unhooked House from various monitors, and then the nurse left so he could get dressed.
He managed to get his jeans on one-handed, and with Cuddy's help, got his t-shirt over his head, although it was no easy task.
"Slow down," Cuddy told him, as she assisted him with his shirt, "this is going to take some getting used to for you."
"Four weeks?" House exclaimed, as he allowed Cuddy to help him with his sling after his shirt was on, "this is going to kill me!"
Cuddy looked at him warily, as she remarked simply, "Could be worse. Just remember that."
House smirked at her as he wrapped his right arm around her back. "You would say that," he mused, as he dropped his head and brushed his lips softly against hers.
"Let's get outta here," he said, after breaking apart from her. Grabbing his cane which was hanging on the bed railing, he limped slowly out of the hospital room and down the ICU corridor, with Cuddy beside him.
Before leaving the hospital, Cuddy stopped by the pharmacy to pick up House's prescription, and then went to her office to bring enough work home to occupy herself for a few days, while House was recovering from his shoulder surgery.
Once they had walked into Cuddy's house, House went into the bedroom to lie down. When he was in the prone position, Cuddy placed pillows behind his left shoulder for cushioning, and then gave him an Oxy pill, which he swallowed instantly.
"This should keep your pain down for a couple hours," she told him, as she draped a blanket over him.
Reaching out his right arm from underneath the blanket, House grabbed onto her hand. "What would I do without you?" he asked, as he looked at her.
"You'd be screwed," Cuddy said, jokingly, grinning wickedly as she squeezed his hand back. As she bent down and kissed him tenderly on the lips, she whispered, "Get some sleep. I'll be in the living room."
Cuddy worked until 9 PM that night, sitting on her couch, with her computer, a mug of green tea, and some papers spread out on the coffee table in front of her. When she was sure everything was ready for her conference call the next morning, she closed her laptop, turned her phone on vibrate, and finished her tea before retiring to the master bedroom.
Shaking House awake, she whispered, "Hey. How's the shoulder?"
"I think the meds are wearing off," House mumbled, still half asleep but grimacing nonetheless as he readjusted his body.
Accepting a pill from her, he dry swallowed it and closed his eyes again, drifting back to sleep.
Kissing him on the forehead, Cuddy began to get ready for bed. As she stripped into pajama pants and a spaghetti strapped tank, she set her alarm and turned off the light. Settling back against the pillows, she thought about House's proposal to sell his apartment. She wondered if they were taking the right next step: moving in together. It really wasn't a big deal because he was always at her house anyway, but nonetheless, Cuddy still couldn't figure out the reason as to why she was a bit hesitant to have House move in with her. Letting her thoughts wander a couple minutes more, she closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep.
The next morning, still dressed in what she wore to bed the previous night, Cuddy was sitting in her home office, with the door slightly ajar. Her laptop lay open on the desk in front of her, and as she listened to Dr. Rivera on her speakerphone talk about how much money that Pediatrics had from a recent grant and what she wanted to do with it, Cuddy glanced at the Excel budget sheet that she had displayed on her computer, as she paused from writing down what her employee was saying.
When everyone had their say, Cuddy told them, "Alright. Thanks. I'll think about each department's proposal regarding their budgets and get back to each of you by either the end of this week or beginning of next."
Pausing momentarily, she continued, addressing her department heads collectively. "If that's all… next agenda: I want to start you and your staff submitting everything electronically…"
A uniform groan could be heard from her staff over the phone.
"Hey," she reasoned, "none of you from what I could tell, are computer-illiterate, so why all the groaning?"
"Lisa," Greg Waterson, head of PPTH's Emergency Room, complained, "do you realize how much time it will take to get everything to be switched over to the computer system, not to mention training all our staff to work the system?"
"Greg," Cuddy began to refute her E.R. department head, "PPTH is one of the last small hospitals in our network to become paperless or at least start to. We're a small enough hospital. We can manage… Change is good, and it is a new year, so let's start now…"
"….. The merger of us and Princeton University Medical Center is still underway and we're hoping to be fully collaborated by early spring of this year."
Cuddy was about to continue when the door to her home office opened wider to reveal House standing there in pajama pants and a t-shirt, his sling situated around his left shoulder.
"Could you guys hold on for a moment?" she spoke towards the phone, then turned to House. "What's up?"
"I need more pain relief," House told her.
"Greg, I'm clearly in the middle of a conference call," she gestured toward the phone. "Your pills are on the coffee table. Take one," she stressed, as he turned and limped back down the hallway.
After House had left, Cuddy continued with her staff for another forty-five minutes longer, and then Cuddy disconnected the call, and after sending out a few emails, she walked into the living room to find House lying on the couch with a pillow behind his left shoulder and an icepack on his ribs, watching television.
"Hey, you okay?" Cuddy asked, as she entered the living room.
House looked up. "Yea. My ribs are a little achy. How'd the meeting go?"
"Fine," she replied, as she sat down on the edge of the couch by his feet. "How's the shoulder?"
"Better," House told her, "I'm hungry."
"Want me to slave away in the kitchen or order takeout?" Cuddy asked cheekily.
"Well," House said, slowly, "if we do delivery, I wouldn't have an opportunity to observe you slaving away in the kitchen naked except for an apron, now would I?"
Cuddy chuckled. "I think not, no," she said, playing along. "But… since sex is not an option for my invalid boyfriend right now, the last thing I would ever want to do is tempt him…"
Moving over so she was sitting on the edge of the couch beside his body, Cuddy turned to face him.
"How are you?" he asked, softly, staring into her eyes.
"Fine," she told him.
He kept his gaze on her.
"Truthfully?" she asked.
"Yes."
She hesitated. "I…I don't know, stressed, tired."
"Guilty?" he whispered.
Her eyes immediately locked onto his as she heard what he had just asked. After about a split second, she cast her eyes downward.
He reached up his hand and began to stroke her cheek softly. She looked up at him again, this time with tears swimming in her eyes.
"It's not wrong to feel guilt, Lisa," he whispered, "You've been through a lot in these past couple months. We both have."
As he moved his right hand from her cheek to her stomach, he whispered, "We will get through this. He's still in there."
Cuddy placed her hand on top of his on her stomach. She closed her eyes, willing herself to let the unshed tears stream down her face that she had kept in for some time.
"You haven't let yourself go," House whispered, as he watched her wipe her tears away. "Now is the time too."
Cuddy stood up, finished wiping her face, and offered House a hand. She carefully helped him to a standing position, and silently, they both walked into the bedroom.
With House on one side of the bed with his injured arm away from her, Cuddy curled up against his right side and sobbed. Hard.
With his arm around her body, House pulled her close as could to him. "It's okay," he kept whispering over and over again. It's all he could do while the woman he loved lay next to him and cried her heart out.
Finally, the sobs lessened, and Cuddy finally looked up, with red rimmed eyes.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"For?"
Cuddy reached up her hand and touched the side of his face, her fingers softly caressing his facial hair.
"For showing me that I've been repressing and in denial," she whispered.
"You're welcome," he told her, quietly, as he withdrew his arm from behind her back and wiped her tears away with his hand. He gave her a soft peck on the forehead.
"You'll be able to move on. It won't be easy but it is possible," he told her quietly, "But we both have to try and get past this and focus on the future."
Cuddy nodded silently. "Yea," she whispered. "How are you…okay with…this?"
Amused, House looked down at her against his body, shaking his head. "I'm not. I just…" He paused. "I hide it really well."
Cuddy agreed. "Did you mean what you said when you were in the hospital? About never forgiving Chase?"
Pausing before answering her, House took a moment to collect his thoughts. He exhaled and forced himself to turn his head and look into Cuddy's eyes.
"I did," he said, without elaborating.
"That's it?" she exclaimed, as she readjusted her body to face him more directly, "You're just going to say 'I did' and leave it at that?"
"Lisa," House began, "he hurt you, even if he did it unintentionally, what he did was get behind a wheel of a car when he was drunk and caused you to suffer at his expense…what he did changed both our lives, not for the better I might add, and as far as I'm concerned, he needs to pay for what he did to you."
Cuddy swallowed hard and forced herself to look into his eyes. "It was a mistake," she said, softly, "I'm not saying what he did was okay. At all. But Chase made a mistake."
House gaped at her. "How can you – You're actually defending him!" he exclaimed.
"I'm not defending him," Cuddy snapped at him, quietly, as she narrowed her eyes.
" - but you ARE justifying his actions," House interrupted.
"I'm accepting what he did," Cuddy said through clenched teeth. "That does not mean I'm justifying!" She paused, scoffing lightly. "I'm certainly not defending him, and saying what he did was okay. Chase should have known better. He - "
Pausing again, she wiped a stray tear that had found its way down her cheek while she was speaking. "I need to get past this, and I think in order – in order for me to do that, I need to accept what he did," she began again, quietly. She couldn't bring herself to tell him that she indeed paid Chase a visit in prison.
"But do you blame him?" House asked her, sharply.
"I-I don't know," Cuddy whispered quietly after a moment's hesitation. She looked diagonally up at House, as he had his right arm wrapped around her again.
He said nothing.
"I don't know," she whispered again, her voice breaking.
House held her gaze with his own, still without saying anything. Finally he spoke.
"… Okay." He took a breath. "Okay," he repeated, quietly. He knew this whole ordeal was hard on her. "It's okay…"
"What do you think is going to happen?" Cuddy asked him, without bothering to hide the tremble in her voice, as the realization that she has to deal with what happened came full force inside of her.
Pulling her closer to his body, House was silent for a moment. Thinking.
"A lot of things could happen," he began slowly, "There could be a trial or Chase could just get released in a couple months, I don't know."
He paused momentarily, and looked down at Cuddy, and when he was sure he had her fullest attention, he whispered, "But whatever happens, I promise you, we will deal with whatever comes our way." He paused, and then said, quietly, "You have to trust me, Lisa."
Reaching her hand up, Cuddy stroked his cheek. "I will," she whispered. "I will," she repeated softly. "Thank you."
Leaning his head down, House captured her lips in a gentle kiss. "You're welcome. Now, do you wanna cook for me? I'm starved."
As House ventured into the living room to rest and ice his shoulder, Cuddy remained in the kitchen, cleaning up after the meal of chicken Caesar salad that her and House had just shared.
She couldn't stop reminiscing back to when she and House were in college, when they were together for the first time (and the only time), and then he left. Well, they weren't really together, unless you count a one-night stand as being 'together.' That night was so perfect: After the frat party where he stole her from the star quarterback, they made love the entire night under the stars. She still remembered how he led her to a secluded grass area on campus, how she was so adamant about not sleeping with him, but then later, she caved. She wasn't sure if it was because there was something about him that was irresistible. He was brilliant, smart, sexy, handsome. What would stop her from fucking him? Nothing. Waking up in his arms on the wet grass the next morning, all he said was "That was great sex. See you in Physics." And just like that, he was gone.
Who was she kidding? Cuddy was trying to turn a fantasy into past reality. She wanted a relationship with him and after that night, thought she had one, but in his mind, it was a 'one-night stand' and in hers: maybe the beginning of a relationship.
After that night, he promised her he would call. Nothing. She should have called him, even days, weeks later, but she didn't. She was afraid to tell him what he really meant to her. And when he got kicked out of Michigan (that was the rumor anyway), she just gave up. When she couldn't find him, she knew she was off the hook for telling him what happened after that night.
Only one person knew the truth, and that one person loathed the very core of House. Was it because she knew the truth that Cuddy had told her that many years ago? Did that person know that House still had no idea of that secret? The secret that Cuddy kept hidden for all these years. Tears threatened to fall as she was trapped in her memory, but Cuddy didn't let them fall. She was stronger than that.
When she had finished wiping the table after pulling herself out of her thoughts, Cuddy heard the doorbell ring. Frowning, she wondered who it could be, and as she set the dishtowel aside, she called out to House 'I've got it!' and then proceeded toward her front door.
Opening the door, she was extremely surprised and a little shocked to see her sister, Katherine, standing there.
"Kate!" she exclaimed, "Hey!"
Stepping over the threshold, Kate smiled and embraced her sister in an embrace. "Lisa, hey. How are you?"
"Good. What's up?"
"Just got off my shift, and figured I'd pop by to say hello," Kate responded, shrugging casually. "How's Greg?"
Lisa eyed her sister curiously. "Fine," she said slowly, with an air of slight caution "…you're not usually one to ask how he is…" Her voice trailed off for effect.
Kate gave her sister a small, apologetic smile. "Well, I thought that could change…"
Still not convinced as to what her sister was up to and a little apprehensive, Lisa led her into the living room to reveal House laying on the couch, with a pillow behind his back and an icepack on his left shoulder while his sling lay on the coffee table beside him.
House's eyes widened in surprise as to who was standing before him, but he didn't say anything, and just stared at the younger Cuddy sister.
"Greg," Kate said, finally breaking the silence, "How are you?"
"Do you actually care or are you just making conversation?"
Cuddy gaped at him. "Greg!" she scolded, horrified at how he was behaving in front of her sister.
Kate smirked. "Contrary to your belief, Greg, I do care about you," she told him, ignoring her sister's comment. "I could have left you in that ditch last week," she joked.
House grimaced. "Point taken."
"I'll leave you two," Lisa told the two of them, as she walked toward her home office. Before walking in to begin to sift through the paperwork that littered the desk surface, the elder Cuddy sister glanced back at her younger sister, who sat down on the armchair in the living room.
She tried not to linger on the fact that it was a coincidence that Kate was on her mind a moment ago and then just showed up out of the blue at her door. 'She's not going to bring my secret up with him,' she thought, 'Kate wouldn't do that to me.' Still, Lisa felt a bit apprehensive as she stayed in her home office while her sister was in the living room with the one person who she (Kate) loathed.
"Well, if she does talk about it with him, I hope they don't kill each other," she murmured to herself, amused, before closing the door.
TBC….
There is a lot of juicy stuff coming up in the next few chapters. Stay tuned.