DESPAIR
This story evolved from that amazingly intriguing photo that Linda Debbie Richardson posted on the Ben Murphy Page of Facebook. Every inch of Kid's face expresses devastation and I just had to discover what he was witnessing, or perhaps thinking. Thinking about the episodes, there was only one person I thought capable of evoking that expression from Kid. Well, one person other than Heyes.
It was a cool, crisp autumn afternoon and Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry rode slowly, silently along a narrow dirt road that cut a path through long, wide fields of amber colored wheat, ripe for harvest. With a soft, gentle breeze blowing the wheat bowed and bent in gently waves and ripples. A bright orange sun was inching its way toward the horizon, casting brilliant pink reflections off billowy white clouds that hung stagnant beneath a pale blue sky. The road and wheat fields stretched all the way to the horizon and beyond with no hint of human life or civilization.
Neither Heyes nor Curry saw any of the magnificent beauty surrounding them, each lost in their own thoughts, or perhaps so jaded and beaten down as to have no thoughts at all, their minds and bodies numb...
Taos New Mexico, Two Days Prior...
"I'm telling you, Heyes, I can't lose," Kid said after breaking from his four hour poker game to join his partner at the bar.
Kid raised a finger to the bartender, then leaned in close to his partner. "I've got over a thousand dollars, Heyes," he whispered in his partner's year.
The bartender returned with the beer and Kid pulled a dime from his pocket and tossed it on the bar. He nudged Heyes' shoulder and motioned to an empty table across the room.
"Heyes, you gotta get into that game. Those fellows bet like they don't know a dollar bill from a hundred dollar bill. They just toss money into the pot without ever considering the cards in their hands."
Heyes smiled and took a long swig of his beer, then wiped his lips dry with his thumb.
"How long you think you're gonna be gone, Kid?"
"I told Reverend Spencer I'd meet him at the church at six. I should be back here by nine at the latest."
"Okay. I'll hang around here with your poker buddies for a while and meet you at the hotel when you get back."
"I'm going to go change clothes. I think I should look a little more respectful if I'm gonna be in a church."
Heyes smiled at Kid's sense of reasoning but wished him well.
Kid went back to the hotel and exchanged his blue shirt for a white one and slipped into a lightweight light brown jacket with a corduroy collar. He took one final critical glance in the mirror before riding out to the adobe structured church on the far edge of town.
Kid smiled as he approached the church and saw Reverend Spencer standing in the doorway of the Rectory awaiting Kid's arrival.
"It is so good to see you again, Thaddeus," Spencer said, extending both arms out in greeting. Kid stepped in to the Reverend's warm embrace, but as he stepped back, Kid saw the Reverend's left wrist and forearm were heavily bandaged.
"What happened to you?" Kid asked with great concern.
Reverend Spencer shrugged off the concern and wrapped his right arm about Kid's shoulders and ushered him inside.
"It's really a rather silly and stupid story," Spencer explained. "I was carrying a box of hymnals into the sanctuary and the heel of my boot caught on the corner of the linen tablecloth we have draped over the the communion table. It knocked over a candelabra that shattered into a thousand pieces. Naturally that was exactly where my wrist and arm landed as hymnals went flying and I went prostate onto the floor."
"Did the doctor take a look at it?"
"Yes, yes. He cleaned it and bandaged it and gave me laudanum for the pain."
"Can I do anything for you, Reverend? I can move them hymnals for you," Kid offered.
"It's all been taken care of."
"You must have already poured the wine in the decanters," Kid said. "I can smell the grapes."
Reverend Spencer smiled. "Wine for those who can partake. Grape juice for myself and others who cannot."
"Does the Lord accept grape juice? I mean, ain't it supposed to represent His blood?"
Again Reverend Spencer smiled, reminded of the innocence of children.
"It is a symbolic gesture, Thaddeus. The Lord will accept any drink provided the intention is correct."
Reverend Spencer led Kid into his Study.
"Please Thaddeus, make yourself comfortable. I can spare some wine if you would like a glass. Otherwise I can only offer you coffee."
"Coffee would be fine, thank you."
"I'll be back with coffee in a minute," Spencer said and left for the kitchen.
Alone in the Study, Kid walked around looking at all the books on the bookshelves. Most were of a religious nature, but Kid spied Moby Dick and Life on the Mississippi on the shelves as well. Kid turned to cross the room to take a seat when he spied a medicine bottle on the Reverend's desk. Assuming it was the pain medicine the doctor had given Spencer, Kid was surprised that the bottle was almost half empty.
Kid was somewhat familiar with the use of laudanum for some horse ailments so was aware that in large doses, laudanum could have very negative effects, including death.
Reverend Spencer returned to the Study with two cups of coffee.
Kid reached for the cup in Spencer's left hand. "That can't be easy holding that with a cut up wrist," Kid said.
"It really doesn't hurt as much as you might think," Spencer replied. "Please have a seat Thaddeus and catch me up on what you and Joshua have been doing these past three years."
"Nothing much different than when we met you, Reverend. We're still drifting about, taking odd jobs. You know, getting by."
"No more gun fights, I hope?"
Danny Bilson's name flashed through Kid's mind but he quickly brushed it aside. "I still get called out from time to time, Reverend, but I do my best to avoid it."
Reverend Spencer smiled. "You're very good at turning the other cheek, Thaddeus. I'm quite confident that when your day comes, the Lord will make room for you in Heaven."
Kid wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Thank you," he simply said.
Kid never was one to mince words, and he knew his visit with Spencer was limited, so he simply plunged forward.
"Are things going well for you, Reverend?" Kid asked with a genuine concern that was very evident to the Reverend and made him a bit nervous as to just how intuitive Thaddeus was.
Spencer tried to display a confident smile. "I have my church back. I have a sizable congregation. What more could I ask?"
"You said you saw the doctor this morning?"
Spencer nodded and struggled to hide his anger of being outed so easily. "That's right. Why do you ask?"
Kid nodded toward the bottle on the desk.
"That bottle is a bit well spent for just having gotten it this morning."
"Oh," Spencer sighed with a chuckle mixed in to make light of what was quickly becoming obvious. "You can blame that on this clumsy wrist. I was trying to pour a spoonful and ended up spilling half of it on the floor."
"But you're right handed, Reverend. You would have been holding the bottle in your good hand."
"What are you implying, Thaddeus?"
"Ain't implying nothing, Reverend. Just want to help if I can."
Spencer's brow furled. "I don't need any help, Thaddeus. But I do thank you for your concern."
"Joshua and I are going to be in town for another day... If you change your mind."
"I won't... But tomorrow is Sunday, Thaddeus. If you and Joshua would like to attend our service, you are both more than welcome."
"Thank you, Reverend."
The visit continued for another hour, although the depth of the conversation was significantly altered. When it was time for Kid to return to town, Reverend Spencer walked him to the door.
"Thaddeus, I do appreciate the fact that you worry about me, but truly, you needn't. The Lord is my strength and both that and His love are never ending... I honestly hope I see you and Joshua in the congregation tomorrow."
"Thank you, Reverend... I hope what you're telling me is the truth. I just know you have had struggles in the past."
Spencer smiled. "As have you, Thaddeus."
All the way back to town Kid could not get Spencer out of his mind and he was completely perplexed as to what to do for the man.
"Heyes, I want you to go to church with me in the morning?" Kid said when he and Heyes were back in their hotel room.
"What?"
"I'm worried about Spencer. I'm afraid he might..."
"Might what?"
"Well, when I saw him this morning, he seemed fine. But when I saw him tonight he..."
"He what, Kid?"
"Well for one thing, I think he might be drinking again."
"Did you see him?"
"No, but there's more. His wrist was all bandaged. He said it was an accident, that he cut it on some broken glass."
"That's possible, Kid."
"He said the doctor gave him some laudanum. That was this morning, Heyes and the bottle's half empty."
"You think he's trying to kill himself?"
"I don't want to think that, Heyes, but..."
"Maybe we should go have a talk with the doctor."
"But if I'm just imagining all this, Heyes, you know, reading the signs wrong..."
"Kid, if you're wrong, there's no real harm done. The doctor takes an oath. He's not going to go around spreading rumors. On the other hand, if you're right, you just might be saving his life."
"Well, you come with me, Heyes."
It was earlier enough that the doctor's office lamp was still burning when they knocked on his door.
"Neither one of you looks hurt. What's this about?" Dr. Woods asked when he opened the door.
"I'd like to talk to you about one of your patients," Kid said.
"Who are you, and which patient?"
"I'm Thaddeus Jones and Reverend Spencer is a friend of mine. This here is Joshua Smith."
"The Reverend alright?"
"He was when I left him."
Dr. Woods sighed heavily and opened the door wide. "Come in."
Dr. Woods led them back to his office. "Now what's this about?"
"I'm worried about Spencer," Kid began.
"Why?"
Kid then proceeded to tell the doctor all that he had observed earlier that evening.
"You honestly think he might be trying to kill himself?" Dr. Woods asked.
"I think between the wrist and the laudanum he might already be trying."
"Is he alone?"
Kid nodded. "As far as I could tell."
"If you honestly think he might be trying to kill himself, you should not have left him alone."
"Now wait just a damn minute!" Heyes said angrily. "Thaddeus don't know that for a fact. He hasn't seen Spencer in three years and just spent two hours with him tonight. Don't you go trying to put the blame on my friend here. He's new to the whole damn situation. You, doctor, are not!"
"Calm down, Mr. Smith. I'm not blaming anybody. I do think we all need to ride out there and make sure Spencer is in fact alright."
"Then he'll know I came and told you," Kid said innocently.
"Would you rather have him mad at you or dead?' the doctor asked.
"Let's go," Kid replied.
Spencer was lying in bed drinking a glass of wine when he heard the loud knocking on the Rectory door.
"Just a minute," he called and rushed to the closet where he placed the glass of wine on the top shelf and slipped into a robe.
Spencer opened the door. His first thought was one of surprise. His second was one of despair. His third thought was one of escape.
"What...Oh, Thaddeus, what have you done?" he said with an obvious ire in his voice.
"Don't go trying to blame your friend here, Spencer. He done the right thing. You would have done the same if you had those kind of concerns about someone in your congregation," Dr. Woods said.
Spencer sighed heavily. "Come in."
"Now, let me see that bottle of laudanum," Dr. Woods demanded.
Spencer led them all to the Study and held the door open, his mind racing frantically.
Dr. Woods entered first, followed by Heyes, then Kid. Just as Kid passed through the door, Spencer shoved him with all his might and grabbed Kid's gun from it's holster. In an instant Spencer had the Study door locked and all three men banged heavily on the door, shouting Spencer's name and demanding the door be opened.
Kid grabbed Heyes' shoulder and pointed to the window. Both men darted across the room but stopped instantly when a single shot was heard.
Kid's head dropped and his eyes closed. Then slowly, he raised his head and looked at his partner with more guilt and despair than Heyes had ever seen.
Heyes's first thought was to rush to Kid, but pure instinct urged him out the window, around the side of the house, and in through the Rectory door. Without even taking the time to check on Spencer, Heyes unlocked the door and the doctor rushed to Spencer's aid.
Heyes looked into the Study and saw Kid still standing just as he had been. His eyes were reflective pools of despair, his entire face fraught with anguish.
Heyes walked over to Kid and, standing directly in front of Kid, he held Kid's shoulders in his hands. Kid's body felt limp. Heyes drew Kid into his arms and led him to a chair. Kid was so lost in despair he could think of nothing but the sound of the gun, his gun, exploding into Spencer's head. Kid's chin began to quiver.
Heyes leaned Kid back in the chair and went out to the foyer.
"He's dead," Dr. Woods said.
"I'm staying here with my friend. You go get the Sheriff," Heyes told the doctor.
Dr. Woods nodded and slowly pulled himself up to his feet and made his way out of the Rectory.
The rest of the evening and all the next day was a blur. Kid pulled himself together enough to give the Sheriff his statement, but when he was finished, he quickly retreated back into his own private thoughts.
Because all three witnesses provided the same account, Kid's gun was returned to him and both he and Heyes were told they were free to go. Heyes decided it best to get as far from Toas as possible as quickly as possible, so they headed east the very next morning.
The Day They Left Taos
As they rode, neither Heyes nor Curry saw any of the magnificent beauty surrounding them. Each lost in his own thoughts, or perhaps so jaded and beaten down as to have no thoughts at all, their minds and bodies numb...