AN: Ask and ye shall receive

==MGCB==

Donna fell asleep some time ago. The Doctor and I wanted to let her believe we slept too, that she wasn't being excluded. The two of us played tennis and went swimming in the TARDIS pool for a while. The kitchens got a visit too- both of us taking fill of whatever we craved. That filled up a few hours so Donna could get her well-earned rest.

Still...my mind was on other things. I chewed thoughtfully on a cookie, crumbs falling down my chin.

The Doctor noticed. "Everything alright?"

I hummed. Looking down, the cookie crumbs still sat on my chest. Swallowing the bite, my hand scooped up the crumbs. "Yep! Why, is something wrong?" While I let him reply, I ate the crumbs from my palm.

"You've been quiet all morning." The Doctor bit into his banana.

"I have?" The crumbs went down, replaced by another bite of a cookie. "Huh. Weird."

"Yes." The Doctor finished the banana. I sat back, watching the next bit in delight. He bunched up the peel. He barely even glanced towards the trash can before throwing the peel inside. It made the shot. "Did...did you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged, sitting back up. "What's there to even talk about?"

The Doctor hummed. He reached over to the plate of snacks. He pulled off another banana. "A lot of people have- They said some things-"

I stopped halfway on reaching for another cookie. "What people? What did they say?"

"No one- nothing specific." The Doctor replied. "Some of the things people said just got me thinking-"

"We checked- you can't actually be my dad." Obviously this was the thing that stressed him out. It can't be anything else.

The Doctor grimaced, frowning. "What? Why are you bringing that up?"

I reached in his mind. Memories of the past few months popped over to him. The many, many times lately that people thought the Doctor was my dad. The last memory to go over came from after we got rid of Adam 'Door-in-the-Head' Mitchell, of us going over what must be my history on Gallifrey.

The Doctor blinked. He took in the information, looking thoughtfully at the banana. "Ah. Right. A lot of people talked about that too..."

I nodded. Though I wanted to believe that was the end of it, I knew there would be more to say. The cookie stayed unbitten in my hand. "So there. Not my dad. No need to stress!"

The Doctor shook his head. "It's other things too. They- I've noticed it for a while now. Back when we met Martha."

I tensed in my seat.

"That plasmavore? You remember?" The Doctor asked.

Mute, I nodded.

The Doctor tapped the banana on the table. "There have been a lot of moments like that."

He was right. Did I need to praise him for it? This didn't feel like a thing to praise. While I did a good enough job hiding it, even I can admit there are places I fell short. The plasmavore was the most obvious example to him.

Besides, a lot of those were in my old body. Terra Three had a much better outlook on everything. Granted, for a normal human they would be extremely depressed.

"Too many moments." The Doctor stated. He leaned forward to get a better look into my eyes. "I think it's time we finally talked about it."

"No." I shook my head. "I don't think I have anything to say."

"And if I think you do?" The Doctor asked.

"I don't wanna upset you." I broke off a piece of the cookie, tossing it up. The bit dropped in my mouth.

The Doctor leaned back. He stared at me for a long moment. The action was so familiar it stung. That look I'd seen the Tenth Doctor give to some poor soul on his travels. The look of a man who understood how broken you were, who would move stars and do the impossible to make you smile again.

That look, with big brown eyes full of a thousand years of pain. The look spoke of shared pain, of empathy so strong that it's a miracle it hasn't killed itself with how much it cared. The face of the Doctor, eyes welling with tears and a frown to match.

Dammit

Fuck

All it needs is the dramatic swelling score

My hearts can't take it.

"Talking hurts." I told him.

The Doctor hummed. "I know." He peeled the banana. "I...I understand you communicate differently. Sometimes in ways I struggle to understand."

That's true enough

Would it kill you guys to laugh at my puns?

"I know that you...don't want to share your feelings with me. I don't know why, but I noticed." The Doctor explained. "So here I am, asking. Which of your friends can you talk to?"

I paused. Something about this felt wrong. Not wrong like, like it wasn't the Doctor. This wrong came across more like...more like...I don't know. Something about it didn't sit right.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked.

"No- no! Of course not." The Doctor assured me. "I just- I know you aren't well. Talking to someone- anyone would help."

"Why can't I talk to you?" I asked him. He was trying to hoist me off to my friends. Well...friend, singular.

Really, Darcy is the only one I can reasonably reach out for a conversation with. Darcy would give me a dress down before making fun of my ginger-ness. Jack was too busy with Torchwood Season 2. What would hearing about my problems do to him, what stress would I put him under?

Was I supposed to call Groot? Sure, we met each other by venting our problems, would they take my complaints well?

Then again...there came the reasons I don't want to talk to the Doctor.

"Do you want to?" The Doctor asked.

I maintained a straight face. "Sure, yeah."

"Okay." The Doctor sat up. He smiled, assuring and calming. That empathy was still open, ready to care for whoever he aimed it at. "Okay! Great. Thank you." He clearly hadn't expected an answer like that. "So...where should we start?"

Back at square one.

We're there already- might as well make it seem on purpose.

"The Year." I answered instead. "And...and the...the bits before."

The Doctor made a tight face. He quickly corrected it, smiling assuringly. "Alright. Wherever you want to go, that's where we'll start."

I shifted in the booth seat. The sugar cookie still in my hand, I picked off a sprinkle to pop in my mouth. "...I tried to stop him. From the start, I tried to stop him."

So I talked about it. Those few minutes between when Martha left and when the Master returned. I talked about taking the watch. The Master's voice in my head, yelling and screaming abuse at me from the start. The Doctor sat there, silent. He would nod his head at the important parts. As I talked about the Master burning my hand to get back to himself, the Doctor reached over.

"You did a good job." He assured me.

I took a shuddering breath. "He got out because of me."

"You stood against him. He's always had a powerful mental kick. That you fought him as long as you did, that says something." The Doctor told me. "Even in the time after, you stood against him."

"He killed Chantho. I should've done more." I shook my head.

"What did you do?" The Doctor asked.

"No. You won't like it."

"This isn't about me, it's about you." The Doctor replied.

No it's not

It's about you- it's always been about you.

"So whatever it is you did, you can say it. I won't get mad."

"I-I shot him. We were having a duel and then h-he shot Chantho and I shot him." I explained. That was about as easy to say as teeth were easy to pull. Even now, all these years later, I could hear the gunshots going off and that smug look the Master's face. Also that cold realization when I realized what he'd done. "I should've known he'd shoot Chantho. It made more sense for him to shoot her, you know?"

The Master wouldn't have shot me. Even that earlier version wouldn't have. That Master wanted leverage over the Doctor, wanted answers. I would be the perfect hostage. A companion of the Doctor, the one person he could take. Chantho- in terms of being a hostage- was less so.

The Doctor would scold him for shooting someone innocent. Killing a companion? He stood no chance.

Then again, he wasn't any madder at the Master for what he did to me...

Said Doctor watched me explain. He watched as impartially as he could. That frown on his face...was it from disappointment? Oh definitely. Disappointed in who though? The Master, or myself? Who would he pick?

"So you shot him."

"Yeah I shot him! He had a gun pointed at me! And her!" I defended, my words slurred together in a mad panicked rant.

"Ok-okay. You're right." The Doctor assured in a calming, level voice. What, I'm right that you would hate my choice? Hate me? "You made...the right choice."

Oh.

Wasn't expecting that.

"What happened next?" The Doctor asked.

I swallowed, painfully. The memory came in broken fragments. Every bit bounced off my head- stabbing and poking my brain.

"Just- just whatever you remember." The Doctor explained. "After you- you know."

"He- he started changing."

The skin beneath began to glow...his glare at Chantho's corpse...his glare at me for taking the shot.

"-And- and then h-he grabbed me."

A fist curled on my arm. "Come on, Terra, let's go have an adventure!"

"-He hit my head and- and it hurt. "

He whacked my head with my own gun. If I were a human, I'd be dead.

"-You started yelling-"

A voice behind the door. A trio of voices. Two shouting for me. One shouting at him.

"-We went into the TARDIS-"

He threw me to the ground. I grabbed the railing to keep from slamming into the floor. He locked the doors.

"You...bastard-" I hissed.

The Master grabbed my arm, dragging me up into the console room so I couldn't easily unlock the door. He flipped two switches before grinning victoriously at me.

"Then he changed into- into-"

The Master exploded, his body glowing with bright regeneration energy. I flinched back from it, throwing my arm over my eyes.

I knew it was over at that laugh.

"And you were yelling-"

"Let me in!"

"And Jack was yelling-"

"I broke the lock. Give me a hand!"

"And Martha was scared-"

"Hold on. I know that voice-"

"I didn't like that Martha was scared." Even now, my hands shook from the fear. She'd been so scared around Saxon and the Master. "I didn't like it-"

"Okay." The Doctor spoke. I snapped my head up at him. It's not that I'd forgotten he was there...I'd just forgotten I was here. "It's okay."

"W-what?"

"You're safe now, Martha is safe now, we all are." The Doctor reminded me. "It's over. You're alright."

No I'm not

We're having this conversation because of how 'not alright' I am.

"We're safe in the TARDIS and he's not."

A deep, deep, deep breath. "...o-okie dokie."

I took a bite of the cookie. The sugar and icing helped pick me up. It made it feel easier to swallow everything. Breathing became less of a chore.

"What happened next?"

Good feelings gone.

"Just whatever you remember happening next."

"I don't-" Lowering the cookie, I eyed sprinkles that fell from the icing to the booth. "I don't remember 'next'."

"...what?"

"One minute I'm- I'm holding onto the console. The next I'm- there's a warehouse. It's different and I don't recognize it. He's- and he wants me to work but I don't wanna work cause I see what he wants me to work on-"

He just wanted a sky full of diamonds

"Fuck I didn't want to. I don't want to but he- but he said-he said I had to because-" The cookie got squished in my hand. The crumbs fell off my fingers into my lap. "I could feel the date! He said if I didn't...that if I stopped for anything other than when he said...Martha was so scared. And Jack. And you- with- with Rose. And me. I couldn't do- I can't-I let you down again."

The Doctor sat up. That time, that time I remembered him here. I'm not so far gone I would forget twice.

"No! I did! I failed you! Just like with Rose I let you down! She only let go to save me and I- I should've held on." My vision blurred up. I only noticed it because the crumbs in my hand were getting mushy. "And with the plasmavore I thought- gah I thought- I thought it would be enough, you know? I was weaker than you! I'd gotten less sleep and I'd been bad ever since I came back from the- so it would've worked on me! It should've been enough."

Just the thing that maybe-

Just maybe-

If you did it right-

It would work for once-

I sniffled. "It wasn't. So I failed me but then we had Martha around. I couldn't leave with Martha around and you were gonna get me my son. I wanted my dog. I had to stay until then!"

Rebel's smiling face, running up to me. His tongue slobbered all over my face. Golden fur getting all over my hoodie. His voice in my mind- greeting me like I had always been a part of his life.

"And then I got the dog. But I wasn't me for a bit there-"

Caroline Brown, bleeding from a neck wound. She held her dog close. Her mind opened to him as it always did. The boy sent her his love and understanding in return.

"Then I was me." I gestured to all of me. The ginger hair, the dress, the bowtie. "And then I let you down all over again with Utopia."

Silence, in the kitchen. Well not Silence Silence. This wasn't a perfect silence either. The only sounds were the dull hum of the fridge, the faint buzz from the lights, and the quiet sniffles from me. Yeah the Doctor sat across from me. He had perfect silence.

Good for him

Lucky son of a gun.

"Terra you didn't-"

"Don't tell me what I did or didn't do!" I hissed at him. "I know I did! Because if I hadn't then you wouldn't look at me like that all the time!"

The Doctor could only stare.

I knew it

Disappointed in me

Just like always. Ever since I first showed up in his TARDIS.

"I'm done with my cookie." Standing up, I dumped the mushy mess into the trash. This had been such a bad idea. Why did I agree to this? Who gained anything from this? Was this supposed to help me? "I'm going to my room-"

"Terra no it's-" The Doctor stood up. He reached out towards me.

My hand battered his away. "What more do you want me to say?!"

"I don't look at you like that- or anything like that! It's only-"

"Don't you feed me those lies!" I snapped. "He did that too! I know what they look like now so stop it!"

"I'm not even doing anything!" The Doctor argued. He shook his head, confusion mixing with the disappointment on his face. "I haven't done a thing you said, not a single thing! However it is you think I'm looking at you it's not from anger or disappointment! Not at you. Never at you. It's alright-"

"No it's not! Cause he lied over and over again- and you- and you do look at me like you hate me and you do- you f-" I cut myself off, clutching at my bowtie like it was my mute button.

The Doctor shook his head. "I what?" He prompted.

"You forgave him!"

A beat. Another near perfect silent beat.

"All of that- everything he did to me...and you forgave him!"

The Doctor...stared at me. Stared long and quiet. His jaw dropped. His brown eyes were wide but I saw no empathy this time.

"Now I'm going to bed."

The door slammed shut. I sent an apology to the TARDIS before storming off to my room. There was work to do before Donna woke up.

==MGCB==

AN: So...how is everybody? Everybody okay? Doing good? That's nice. I'm glad you guys are okay.

Oh? Oh this, what's this? Oh I just decided to finally let Terra and the Doctor clear the air. So all of this happened. This is really fun. You guys were right, this was a good idea.

Please leave a comment! It helps me know yours engaged with it. If you don't wanna leave it here, send it on my tumblr (authorawritingupdates) or my Instagram (AuthorA97). I really like reading what you guys say!

(I'm not saying it's a hostage situation but...)

Thanks to Dinosaur Imperial Soldier, TheAzraelPhoenix, lartoli25, soulless gay, for favoriting and following