The First Time
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Nine year old Jed Curry crept slowly down the massive oak staircase that led from the Boy's Dormitory to the large foyer of the Valparaiso School for Wayward Boys. It was five o'clock in the morning on a summer Saturday and all the other boys were still fast asleep.
But Jed had not slept a wink. He had tossed and turned all night, worried that the thoughts running through his head, the thoughts that had consumed his every waking moment for the past three days, had surely set him on a direct path for hell. His only chance at redemption was a full confession, and the subsequent penance that Father Michael would bestow upon him.
He had not spoken a word about these thoughts to anyone, not even his trusted cousin, Hannibal Heyes. It wasn't the actual act that had convinced him he was condemned to hell, but the lustful thoughts that followed, and Jed was certain the only way to circumcise those thoughts was to offer a full and unadulterated confession.
Seeing some light peeking though the crack of the partially open kitchen door, Jed shuffled across the parlor floor and pulled the door open just wide enough to step inside. Mrs. Barstow, the school cook, had her back to the door as she bent over the stove to pull fresh loaves of bread from the oven and filling the air with the sweet smell of baked yeast and flour.
He startled when Sister Mary Margaret walked in the back door with a basket filled with fresh eggs.
"Jed, what are you doing up so early? Are you not feeling well?"
"I'm feeling fine, Sister. I came down to talk to Father Michael."
Sister Margaret was one of the younger nuns at the school and she set the eggs on the large wooden table, then turned to Jed and smiled. "Come, sit down and I'll get you a glass of milk. I'm afraid you just missed Father Michael. He just left for a trip to the Flanagan's farm. Mrs. Flanagan's health has taken a turn for the worse. Perhaps there is something I could do to help?"
"I... I don't think so Sister," he said quietly.
Sister Mary Margaret set the glass of milk down in front of Jed, then sat down in a chair next to him.
"Something is troubling you, Jed?"
He nodded and wiped the milk mustache from his lip.
"Something you've done?"
Jed shook his head. "No exactly," he replied.
"Something you're thinking of doing?"
Again Jed shook his head. Not exactly."
"Then it surely can't be something horrible," she said with a smile, but the look on Jed's face told her he saw things differently.
"I can't take confessions or suggest penance, but I can listen and perhaps advise you toward the right path."
"I don't mean to be rude, Sister, but I think I need to talk to Father Michael, you know, man to man."
"I see. Well, he should be back this afternoon and I'll certainly tell him you're wanting to talk over something very important."
"Sister...if I was to die before Father Michael gets back...would I go to hell instead of heaven?"
"My, this must be something very important, Jed. Are you truly sorry for what you did or said?"
Jed looked at her with the eyes of a mournful puppy but, determined to be as honest with her as he dared, he slowly shook his head.
"You're not sorry?"
"No, Sister. In fact... I wanna do it again."
"Did what you said or did hurt someone in any way?'
"No Ma'am. But I liked it and... and maybe I oughtta wait and talk to Father Michael. Not to be rude, Sister, but he probably knows more about this, being as he was a boy once."
Sister Mary Margaret was beginning to come to her own conclusions and was becoming a bit alarmed. "You're not going to die this afternoon so you'll not be going to hell, Jed Curry, and I will most definitely let Father Michael know they you need to talk to him right away."
"Thank you, Sister."
"Now, it's still quite early in the morning so you should go back upstairs and get some sleep."
"Yes, Ma'am," Jed replied and slipped out of his chair and made his way back to the dormitory.
Jed slipped off his shoes and climbed back into his bed.
"Where you been?" asked his cousin Hannibal Heyes who lay in the bed right next to Jed's bed.
"Couldn't sleep."
"Again? That's three nights in a row. Something bothering you?"
"Jed, is something bothering you?" Hannibal asked a second time when he got no response.
"It ain't something I wanna talk about," Jed said emphatically.
"Fine," Hannibal replied and turned over in his bed with a huff."
Jed was grateful for the end of the conversation and settled into his own bed with his back to his cousin. He closed his eyes but could not succumb to sleep. He squeezed his eyes more tightly closed, but the thoughts would not fade. He shifted onto his belly and reached up and grabbed the pillow with both hands and plopped it down over his head in frustration, certain he was destined for a fate worse than purgatory.
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Being a Saturday, a lot of the boys had one activity or another planned. Some were planning to fish and others to swim in the pond at the far edge of the property. A few planned to walk into town to meet up with some of the boys from the town school. But Jed could not be coaxed or bribed into joining any of the activities. Instead, he spend the afternoon doing his homework, and even offered to clean the barn, thinking he might get a jump start on any penance Father Michael might assign him.
Jed walked through the back door and into the kitchen late in the afternoon and found Sister Mary Margaret waiting for him with a glass of milk and a thick slice of bread, still warm from baking.
"Sit down and have your snack, Jed. You deserve it after all that work. Father Michael is back and said he would be available to talk to you in about half an hour. That will give you time to wash up and change your clothes first. You don't want to go to confessional smelling like a barn."
"No, sister," Jed replied.
Half an hour later, wearing a clean pair of pants and a clean shirt, Jed walked into the church sanctuary and turned his head toward the back wall where a row of six confessional booths were located. The door was slightly ajar to one of the rooms so Jed entered and shut the door behind him.
"So tell me just what is it that has you so worried about you afterlife, son?" Father Michael asked from behind the panel that separated Jed and the priest.
"Forgive me, Father. I'm pretty sure I've sinned."
"Sister Mary Margaret told me your were quite distraught about something. Why don't you start from the beginning, Jed and tell me about this."
"Well, three days ago I got myself in a situation that...Well it all seemed perfectly fine at the time, Father. I mean all the boys were there and we all took a shot at it. The lady that was in charge said we was all old enough, and for just ten cents we could all discover if we had what it takes."
"What it takes to do what?" Father Micheal said.
"To be real men," Jed replied.
Being a priest at a boy's orphanage for some years, Father Michael knew that such a statement was a double edged sword with an infinite array of possible meanings, and he knew better than to jump to conclusions "Go on," he told Jed.
"So I laid my ten cents on the counter and she said to grab hold of the butt. So I did."
"You...grabbed the...butt?"
"Yes Father. I just...wrapped my hand right around it and...well I've seen men do that before and, well I've always wondered what it felt like."
"To...grab the butt?"
"Yes, Father."
"How old are you, Jed?"
"Nine."
And...how old was this lady?"
"She was kinda old like, maybe a grandmother."
"A grandmother? And she told you to ..."
"Yes, Father, to wrap my fingers right around the butt. She told some of the other boys the same thing, the ones that was willing to pay her a dime anyway,"
"Just who were these other boys?" the priest asked before reconsidering the question. "No, wait. Let's deal with your concern before we move on to the others."
"Well I was holding the butt in my hand and the next thing I knew she told me to pull the cock..."
"Pull the..."
Father Michael was beginning to see the gravity of Jed's concern and wanted to get to the root of the issue and find out just who this harlot of a woman was. But he wanted to tread lightly so as not to give Jed any reason to think he had done anything wrong. "And did you?" Father Michael finally asked.
Jed nodded, but Father Michael could not see this through the small screen
"Did you pull the cock, Jed?"
"Yes Father."
"And then what?"
"Well everything happened so fast but, none of that is what I'm worried about, Father."
The priest's eyes widened and he was thankful for the panel that kept him hidden from view. "You're not worried about that?" he asked. "What pray tell are you worried about son?"
"I'm worried about the fact that since then, I can't seem to think of nothing else. I keep thinking about how the butt felt in my hand and, pulling the cock and seeing it explode, and..."
"Jed. I understand what you're telling me. I don't think you need to be any more descriptive."
"So, am I going to hell, Father?"
"No son. What you're thinking about happens to all boys your age, but you have to learn to control those urges"
"Cause it's a sin, right Father?"
"Jed, feeling those urges is a natural part of growing up. But with that comes responsibilities, and part of those responsibilities is knowing not to act on those urges at your age."
"At what age is it alright, Father?"
"When you are married, Jed."
"Married? Father I see lots of men walking around with em on full display and most of em ain't married. What's being married got to do with it?"
"What do you mean walking around with them on full display?" Father Michael asked with great concern.
"Sure, the ones that are really good with them tie em down to their leg. They can grab em faster that way."
"Tie them down? Jed, what exactly are we talking about?"
"A Peacemaker, Father. Ever since I held that gun in my hand and pulled the cock and then the trigger and saw that target just explode when the bullet went through it...Well that's all I can think about, Father, and I want one of my own I want to get real good at using one. I wanna be the best."
"So you...pulled on the cock of a gun and you...wrapped your hand around the butt of a gun?"
"Of course, Father. And I can't get it outta my head. I can't concentrate in class, I can't concentrate on my homework... Father, I don't even think about food no more."
Father Michael smiled with both amusement and great relief. In fact, he struggled to keep from laughing."And just who was this lady who was so...encouraging?"
Jed shrugged. "I don't know her name but her and her husband ran the shooting booth at the carnival last week. All I know, Father is that ever since that day, I can't think of nothing else. So I guess that's what's a that a sin, Father, to be so wanting?"
"I think it's my turn to start at the beginning, Jed. What you are feeling is not a sin. Everyone wants something they don't have. It can grow to be sinful if it is in excess, or if you go about satisfying that want in some illicit manner, but that does not seem to be the case at this point, son.:
"So it's alright for me to be thinking about wanting a Peacemaker, Father?"
"It's alright to be thinking about it, but you should try to put those thoughts into some perspective. You have other things of equal or greater importance to think about, school for one. Then, perhaps you could get a part time job to earn enough money to buy a Peacemaker some day. The gun shop owner might even offer lessons. But you must realize that owning and using a gun also takes a great deal of responsibility."
"Yes, Father. So, I'm not going to hell?"
"Not at this stage in your life, Jed, and if you continue to lead a fine and upstanding life, not ever."
"That's a relief. Thank you, Father."
"Jed, I do think that next semester you should take an articulation class if that's offered and if not, perhaps a composition or public speaking class."
"A composition class?"
"To learn to better articulate exactly what it is you are wanting to say. It makes things easier for everyone involved."
"Yes, Father. I'll do that, if it will keep me on the right path to heaven."