Addison Montgomery Shepherd's Point of View:
I don't move immediately when I wake up. Being here is so strange. For the second before I am fully awake, I expect to hear Derek thumping around and making his coffee in the kitchen. The smell of his bodywash is sweet. I can smell it even before I've fully woken up. I open my eyes slowly and see him lying next to me. I don't remember leaving the guest bedroom last night, but I must have because here I am, snuggled up against his warmth under his quilt and not my own. Why hadn't I woke him? Surely, he is not used to someone sleeping next to him. Was his body so used to mine, even after all this time that me joining him in bed is as natural and comfortable to him as breathing?
"You're so beautiful." He whispers, waking up slowly, he gently kisses me on my unbruised cheek. My body tenses in fear when he comes that close. I know he's not going to hurt me, but after years with Derek, after years of being with someone who can kiss you one moment and in the very next try and strangle you, it will take time for that protective instinct to go away. I remind myself that I am somewhere safe and force myself to relax.
"What happened last night?" I ask. The events from last night are a huge blank in my mind. Some of the memories clear, others not so much.
"Oh Addie." He whispers. He looks worried, like he's trying to find the words to explain.
"Did I really get drunk and sad and beg you to have sex with me?" I ask him. I know that we didn't have sex. I would know if we had sex. It's Mark's turn to look confused now. He smiles at me sadly before replying:
"I wish it was that simple. Do you remember anything from yesterday?" I shake my head slowly, remembering, and trying not to remember at the same time. I stop as the urge to vomit almost overpowers me. He pulls me close and strokes my hair, careful not to hurt. I know that he is painfully aware of everything that's happened and my limitations that I try so hard to hide from the world.
"I don't know."
"Were you trying to kill the baby with the alcohol?" He asks me. "You could have died last night Addison. His voice is harsh and accusing. I move back from him, tensing up again and he immediately apologizes. "I'm sorry. I just…" He trails off at a loss for words. "Addison I'm scared for you."
"If the baby dies it won't matter that I'm twenty-five weeks. They'd take her out." I say, directly answering his question. "I'm fine. I have this under control." I say, but we both know that this is anything but true. His face looks so white.
"We need to get you to the hospital. We don't even know if that baby is still alive you could go into shock. I know you didn't want to go to the hospital, and I had a feeling this is what you were doing, god knows you cannot get an abortion after 13 weeks in this city. I didn't push for a hospital visit, but Addison we need to talk about the baby. If Derek finds out about this, he's going to kill you."
"She's still alive." I assure him. "If he tries to kill me just let him. He hasn't succeeded yet. He probably won't." Mark looks hurt at this offhand comment. I hate the way my voice sounds. It's so cold. It's numb, this isn't who I am. I wonder if it's always been this bad. I try to pinpoint an exact time in the last eleven years of my marriage to Derek when things had gone so wrong, but I cannot. It must have been a gradual change. Is this devastating to him? Does he remember the person I was before?
"Addison…" He says my name with such disappointment. I don't know what I want anymore. Do I want to die? Or do I just want to be free of Derek and the baby we conceived. Isn't it kind of the same thing? He's watching me. I wonder if he can see the blankness that I am feeling. I'm not fine. There is nothing fine about this.
"I shouldn't be here." I say, starting to get up as better sense takes over and fear starts to overwhelm me. I'm safe, but for how long, and at what cost. I don't want to put him in danger.
"Please stay." Mark requests, he looks so hopeless. I know he cannot force me to stay. He loves me, respects me enough to give me a choice. That doesn't make it any easier though.
"You're not safe." I whisper, I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks. "I'm not safe." My hands move sub cautiously to the almost non-existent baby bump. I hate myself, but I almost hate the existence of this parasite more. I had contributed the lack of period and nausea to the stress of being in an abusive relationship and being clinically underweight. I actually lost a bit more weight with this pregnancy due to not being able to eat properly. I am not anymore tired or in anymore pain than I normally am. I haven't known for long. I think back to last week. I peed on a stick and secretly had an ultrasound that revealed I was actually twenty-four weeks pregnant, not eight. I know I'm sick. I know that I am damaging the baby with my self-harm. I'm hurting her by not being able to end the pregnancy earlier.
"I'll keep you safe." He insists. "We'll figure out something."
"You can't." I insist, my voice rising. I hate how squeaky it sounds. "I'm twenty-five weeks pregnant with my abusers baby Mark. Do you even know that that means? I cannot legally get an abortion Mark. This…. this baby is viable. If she were born right now, with medical intervention she could survive."
"Not with all of the alcohol you've put through her system." Mark says and I just shrug. "Not after the abuse you've suffered."
"You act like I was given a choice."
"What do you want me to do instead?" He shoots back. "Watch while you slowly kill yourself? As far as I am concerned you do not get that option Addison. You don't get to quit and you don't get to die of sepsis either." He says this out of frustration. He gently cups my face in his hands, his voice changing to a mere whisper now. "You deserve so much better than that Addison."
"I'm not the person you think I am Mark. I just… I can't be that person anymore."
"Addison you're having a nightmare." I can feel him shaking me gently as I wake up. My cheeks are wet. "You were crying out."
"I'm sorry I woke you." My heart is racing. The dream was so real.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Our pagers have been going off." Mark says, I sit up quickly, and he hands me my pager from the bedside table.
"How did I not hear that. Oh my god the chief is going to kill us." I guess they decided that we have not responded in time because a text comes through to both of our phones.
9-1-1
MASS CAUSALITIES
ALL AVALIABLE STAFF REPORT TO THE PIT ASAP
I look at my phone and then to Mark, pressing my lips together. Neither of us move to get dressed and leave. I am still struggling to shake the nightmare.
"You should go." I finally say.
"What about you?" He looks at me concerned. I know he is worried about me. I know he doesn't want to leave me alone for fear I'll do something else stupid.
"I'm still drunk, I can't practice medicine." I say, and he looks at me like he doesn't believe me. "I'll be fine, let them know that I was off the clock and have been drinking heavily. I have some overdue sick time. I'll call in later."
"You can't ignore an emergency page."
"I have to. I can't show up to work inebriated. Not to even mention Derek will be at the hospital. He's the head of neuro. He is always needed it situations like this. Derek will be livid that I didn't come home." I reason. Mark pulls on his day clothes and gathers his wallet, preparing to leave.
"I'll be back as soon as I can." Mark promises. He kisses me on the forehead, and it doesn't matter that nothing about this is romantic. It's safe. He still considers me his best friend, his person.
"I'm fine. Don't worry Mark."
"Please… Addison promise me that you'll be safe, promise me you won't hurt yourself, We'll sort out everything when I get home tonight." I remember when we sat through psych class together. We learned that in situations like this making a contract with the person who self-harms will help hold them accountable for their actions. He knows this, honestly, I feel like it's bullshit. If you're going to self-harm you're going to self-harm. A piece of paper isn't going to change that. "If you don't feel safe, I can stay."
"No. I'll be fine." I promise. I smile what I feel is convincingly for the first time. "You don't have to doctor me. I'll be okay." I say, joking at the first part. I can be convincing when I want to be. The bruises and scars tell a whole different story though. He gives me a hug, pulling me close and whispering in my ear.
"You're my best friend Addison. I love you. I'm here for you, no matter what. You can be safe here if that's what you want." Before grabbing his keys and phone from the dresser and walking out the door.