Mark Sloan's Point of View:
The trauma team wheels Addison to the operating room after quickly accessing her injuries in the trauma bay. They had me sign the consent forms. I did, out of fear that she would bleed out before they could save her if I resisted.
"We need to treat this like a VIP case. Get her in an OR with no gallery, only essential staff." Bailey orders, as they wheel Addison away. "She is one of our own and she needs to be treated with the curtesy, respect, dignity and privacy we would expect someone to show us if the roles were reversed." She tells them, and I quickly pull her aside.
"What is it Sloan? Be quick. Walk with me." She says, obviously annoyed at the interruption as she runs alongside the gurney to the operating theater. She stops, letting them go ahead and takes to walking.
"Please. I have to be in the OR with you. I know I can't operate, but she's my best friend. I just want to be with her. She's alone, she's terrified. She's vulnerable. She needs someone to hold her hand." I don't know how to be strong for her. I am crying and out of breath. "She's pregnant, twenty-five weeks." Bailey looks shocked when I say this. "She's not even showing but she's twenty-five weeks… the injury… she tried to cut the baby out. She wanted an abortion but was past the legal limits."
"Gone are the days of sticking a clothes hanger up your vajayjay to break your own water." She responds, sarcastically. "Leave it to Addison to be extra, as always."
"If anything happens. If it comes to saving Addison or the baby. You have to save her. She doesn't want this baby. She's in a bad relationship. It's his and she doesn't want it."
"Sloan you know I have to do everything in my power to save them both." We are in the OR scrubbing in now. I didn't bother waiting for her to tell me that it's okay.
"She didn't want this baby to the point that she nearly killed herself trying to get rid of it." I point out. "After everything Addison has done for this hospital can't we just… I don't know… Give back?"
"Are you asking me to purposely end the life of that baby?" Bailey asks, I stay silent, and she takes a sharp breath in. "I'd lose my license my livelihood."
"Not if the baby was already dying."
"That enough. I can't let you in the Operating Room like that. You're covered in blood. They're still prepping her, get cleaned up. You can sit at her head and hold her hand during the procedure. You might be a valuable source of information, but you will not tell me how to operate in my OR. I won't do something that will risk myself, this hospital, and this program."
"You've broken the rules before."
"Do you want to scrub in or not?" She asks. "I have a surgery to do."
"Fine." I say. I know it's too much. I shouldn't have ever asked her to do something like that. I don't even know if she is trained in the procedure. I leave the scrub room and sprint in the other direction to shower and change into clean scrubs. I make it back to the OR in record time, this time scrubbing in next to Arizona, who looks confused as to why she is there. I get into the room just as they are talking to Addison about putting her under. She opens her eyes and watches them talking. I assure her that she is in good hands and I'm not leaving her. She locks eyes with me just as they put the mask on her. I can smell the sweet smell of the anesthesia gasses. Of course, none are leaking into the room, but you can still smell the sweetness all the same. She closes her eyes, and I squeeze her hand tightly. Sitting still, and silent as the anesthesiologist adjusts the medication and the doctors around me start operating. I pray not stop that she is strong enough to survive this. She survived the surgeries before, after the accident in which she lost Ella, but that was two years ago. She is in such a different place health wise, and even mentally than she was two years ago. I can remember the last time I saw her truly happy. It was the day before the accident. Her six month checkup. We had finally gotten to see that our baby was a girl. She had been so stubborn at all of the other ultrasounds. After the ultrasound we went out and Addison had the time of her life picking out what she called 'girly things' for our baby. Up to that point we had only boughten things that could be considered gender neutral. Her eyes shone so ecstatically as she held up each item, asking for my opinion. She wanted Ella. She loved feeling her move, and when people would comment about how cute her baby bump was. I wonder if she will ever be happy again. The memories of her happy seem like a distant memory that is fading more and more as time passes.
Addison Montgomery Shepherd's Point of View.
(Addison's experience/dream while in surgery)
I don't know what happened, but I am in a meadow covered with beautiful flowers. The wind is blowing gently, but it's not cold or uncomfortable. It's a peaceful place. There are sweet smells and gentle sounds. I look around for a moment, caught up in it's beauty. I am taken aback when I realize that nothing hurts. I am dressed in a simple sundress. I look down at my arms and legs, there are no bruises. The baby inside of me moves, and I move my hand to my stomach. Surprised and confused to find the baby bump, normal, like with Ella. Not the complete flatness of my reality. I hear a toddler giggling and look up to see a beautiful little girl with strawberry blonde hair. She is wearing a little white summer dress and running towards me. I have never seen her before, but instantly I know who she is. It's like our souls have connected.
"Ella?" I ask, voice trembling.
"Momma hold me!" The little girl screams in glee, reaching her arms up to me to be held. I pick her up and spin her around smiling and laughing along with her. She snuggles close to me and I breathe in her sweet smell of flowers and honey.
"I love you so much." I whisper. "Your daddy too. He'd want you to know, we both love you so much." A woman comes up to us then, smiling at the sight of me holding the little girl.
"I'm Grace." She says cheerfully. "I'm Ella's friend. I've been assigned to take care of her. We live in the cottage over by the lake." She says, nodding in the general direction. "You must be Addison. I was told you'd be visiting today."
"So, you're like an angel?" I ask, confused.
"Not exactly, but close enough, I guess. Ella's been waiting so long to meet you." She says, smiling down gently at Ella, who is snuggled impossibly close to me. She looks up at me and smiles so big. My heart feels like it's going to explode. We sit together for a while and then something about what she said registers in my mind, and I ask…
"You knew this would happen?"
"I know a lot of things." Grace admits.
"Why don't I look like myself?" I ask gesturing towards my arms, legs, and tummy. It is almost like I left my broken body on earth and transformed into someone else.
"This is who you are." Grace says, but is distracted when Ella pulls on her white blouse interrupting her. She asks her for her "Momma Bunny." Grace pulls it from a bag. I know this bunny well. It's soft and white. It has big floppy ears and a fuzzy nose. When I realized just how much I wanted Ella I went to one of those insanely expensive children's toy shops and picked this out sepecially for her. The real bunny is sitting on the guest bedroom bed at Mark's house. "How did you get that?" I ask, confused.
"Don't be silly Momma! You got this for me when I was just a little baby in your tummy." She puts her hands on my tummy, and the baby moves, she giggles. "Don't you remember? I was this big."
"I do… baby I do." I say, happy tears falling from my cheeks. I scoop Ella up into my arms again tickling her and laughing through my tears as Ella lets out the silliest of laughs.
"She sleeps with him every night."
"So do I." I smile, but I cannot stop the tears. "So do I."
Mark Sloan's Point of view:
"Get a type and cross. Hang two bags of O- for now. Grey get on that Gastric Lavage." Dr. Bailey demanded as she got closer to examine the wound. "Mark, Arizona, get in here." She says, just meaning to move closer. I look at the incision and notice something I hadn't in my haste to stuff her with every towel I could find to stop the bleeding. It's sad. It's horrifying, but there is irony in the fact that Addison cut herself open, in her home, with no numbing what so ever, and still manages to make a textbook perfect incision. Show off, and exactly the Addison I knew before Derek changed her.
"What happened?" Arizona asks. She hadn't been fully briefed on the situation, just paged and told to report to the OR for an emergency consult. She moves away as she realizes just who is on the operating table. "It's Addison. Our Addison. She's not a child."
"It's an emergency Ari." I say.
"No, but she is the head of Obstetrics and Neonatology. Since she's laying on the operating table you're the next best bet to save this baby's life."
"She's pregnant?" Arizona asks, confused. "Look at her, she's like a size two. I'd kill to have her flat stomach. There's no way, she can't be."
"She's twenty-five weeks." I confirm. I have to remove myself emotionally for a moment seeing her lying on the table, cut open and intubated. Flashbacks come of the day I got the call that she had been in an accident and was in critical condition. I shake my head, trying to clear the memories.
"I didn't know either, but it's not our place to judge. If she didn't tell anyone there must have been a reason for her to keep it a secret." Bailey says in a this is none of my business I'm only here to do my job sort of way. She doesn't disclose any of what I have shared with her about Addison not wanting the baby. Arizona grabs the portable ultrasound machine and moves the want over Addison's tummy, looking for baby. Due to Addison's thin frame and nonexistent weight gain it was surprisingly easy to find.
"Its extremely important that what happens in this room stays in this room. Don't forget about doctor patient confidentiality. Bailey says firmly. The other doctors and nurses agree. "How's the baby Robbins?"
"She's here." Arizona says quietly examining the baby on the monitor, careful not to touch the incision site. "We can stitch Addison up. The baby's heartbeat is strong, blood flow and oxygen are good. She doesn't appear to be in distress. The placenta is textbook. I don't think she is at risk of placental abruption. She has a lot of scar tissue. It looks like she's had a previous C-Section. Is that right?" She asks, looking to me. I try not to look too disappointed that this baby is perfect. It has to be some kind of a mutant to survive the last couple of days.
"Yes." I say quietly. "We lost our baby two years ago in a car accident. The accident caused a placental abruption. By the time they got her to the hospital there was nothing that could be done." I look down at Addison. Her eyes are flickering, she's dreaming.
"I'm so sorry." She says, and I just keep my focus on Addison. Ella was wanted. She was loved. This baby, it's a whole different situation. Ella was conceived in love. "We'll be really careful closing her up so recovery will go smoother for her, and future pregnancies will not be put at risk. When it comes time to deliver the baby, I can clear way some of that scar tissue." She says, and I just nod.
"Baby is small for twenty-five weeks gestation, but otherwise she's completely healthy. Let's focus on Addison. I run further tests when she wakes up to make sure nothing more serious is going on."
"If growth is this baby's only problem that's some sort of miracle right there." Bailey comments looking from me to Arizona. "It's safe to keep the baby inside?" She clarifys.
"Start a round of triple IV antibiotics, keep her on the monitor. If anything changes with the baby she needs to come out, but for now she's fine. The longer she stays inside the better chance she has, especially being this small." She looks questioningly from me to the deep purple, black, blue, green, and sickly yellow bruises that litter Addison's body. It's sickening to look at them. They vary in severity and degrees from months old to days old. Derek was wise. He knows he can only hit her in places easily hidden by her clothing. The eye was, well. He must not have been thinking clearly. I just want to grab something and cover her up. Addison tried so hard to hide this from the world, but now she is open and exposed on the operating table. She's vulnerable and she cannot hide the truth any longer.
"How did she get these bruises?" Arizona asks me. It seems like the people in Addison's life just keep finding out more and more about her. I wish I could unsee the look on Arizona's face right now. How long has Addison been hiding this from her? They'd been friends for years, they've worked on cases together, they hang out all the time. I know Addsion hasn't mentioned this to her though.
"Um." I look over to Bailey and then decide that it's fine. "She was in a violent relationship." I say carefully as I watch Meredith finish pumping Addison's stomach. Meredith cleans up the charcoal and stomach contents with a damp rag. She looks confused at this, but she's at the top of Addison's head. She wouldn't see the bruises that are covered with the drape and sheet. I noticing Meredith starring, working to piece together the puzzle of Addison's life. The process of blame automatically goes to the husband. Meredith and Derek have been dating since before Addison went back to him. I wonder if he hits her too. "I just picked her up last night. She left him, again. She's staying with me for now, but before that… it wasn't a good situation." She and Arizona work diligently control the bleeding. Working quickly, but carefully on each staple and stitch.
"We need to put a safety plan in place for while she is here. Nobody in or out aside from her approved care team, and there will be an officer stationed outside of her door at all times."
"What about Derek?" Meredith bursts out. "She's, his wife. He'll be worried about her when he realizes that she is here." I want to scream, to yell at her that she doesn't know what she's talking about, that she needs to be quiet. I don't even know why she is speaking up. She doesn't like Addison, and she clearly doesn't want Derek who she claims is the love of her life to take Addison back. Does she feel like it is the right thing? Defending Derek?
"Some of these bruises are weeks, if not months old." Arizona states, accusingly. "She might just be anemic, especially since she's self-harming, but bruising to this magnitude with no other known cause is often a red flag for abuse."
"He did, abuse her." I confirm. I need her to know that this is serious, that she's not jumping to conclusions or making some rash statement. "This is his baby, and he does abuse her." I feel like I need her to know what would cause this woman, this gracious beautiful, smart, loving woman to be in a situation where she was so desperate that she felt the need to cut out her own baby from her womb. I felt it important that she knows Addison didn't have a choice when she was lying to her friends and acting like everything was fine while all the while slowly killing herself. She put on a show so good that nobody even suspected. I didn't even notice, but I see that they have been giving her blood products, probably this entire time.
"The bruising only appears in places that her clothing would cover. I feel like if she were anemic, or her phosphate stores were low the bruising would be present all over her body." Bailey says.
"You think Derek did this!" Meredith accuses. "Derek would never hurt anyone!"
"Dr. Grey!" Bailey warns. "Nobody said Dr. Shepherd's name."
"No, but you're all thinking it aren't you? You can't accuse him of something he's not capable of doing! It isn't right. An accusation like this could ruin his career." The machines begin beeping too fast, indicating the beginning of hypotension in Addison at Meredith's words.
"Her pressure is dropping again!" I call out. They stop arguing. "Give Orvaten via her I V."
"Dr. Sloan we've got this." Bailey and Arizona say at the same time. They are so calm. I don't know how. Arizona quickly injects the medication into Addison's I V port and watches as her blood pressure starts to slowly rise back to normal. "We're almost done here." She says. When she is satisfied that everything is properly stapled and sutured, she counts the rags and sponges they had used to control the bleeding while they worked. Everything is accounted for. She cleans the incision site and puts a sterile dressing and bandages over it.
"She didn't make it through the uterine wall, she must have passed out from the pain before she could get that far. If she had we may have had a very different outcome here today." Arizona informs me.
"Dr. Grey, scrub out and meet me in my office." Bailey demands when she is sure Addison is stable. "NOW."
Addison Montgomery Shepherd's Point of View:
(Addison's experience/dream while in surgery)
"I don't want you to go Momma." Little Ella cries, rubbing her eyes. "I want you to stay. I want baby sister to stay." It's getting dark in the meadow. The sunset reflects down on the giant lake, throwing sparkling fire like reflections across the land.
"She'll be back Ella bunny, don't be sad." Grace sooths sweetly. She holds one of Ella's hands and I hold the other as we walk towards the cottage. It had been the best afternoon of my life. We had spent the entire afternoon playing, laughing, and cuddling in this beautiful place she has found to be her home. It truly has been the perfect day. "She's your Momma. Remember, she'll always find her way back to you." The sudden realization that I am not dead, that I will have to leave devastates me.
"I can't stay?" I ask Grace, voice wavering.
"That's not my decision. It's not your time yet." Grace says, looking at me pointedly. "Go with strength. Don't make this harder on Ella then it has to be." I am not sure she's said this outload though, or only in my mind. Her lips aren't moving, and Ella doesn't seem to notice anything.
"I will always find you Ella." I say, trying to sound confident for her, but I am so confused. Grace gives me a look and I know she is holding back on the details. It's probably some nonsense about knowing too much altering my lifepath of something. I can't help but thinking that maybe the next time I die it will stick. Maybe the next time I will be able to stay in this beautiful place with my wonderful little girl forever. It's not a bad feeling. It brings me peace. When you're on earth and think of dying it's scary, there are too many unknowns, only know I do know what happens afterwards For the first time in years I feel hope. I feel peace knowing that we will not be separated forever.
"When?" Ella demands, bottom lip trembling as she looks to Grace for reassurance.
"Knowing that won't make this any easier Ella."
"If I know when Momma will come back it won't be so hard for her to go away." Ella says. Grace looks like she wants to say something but doesn't.
"If Grace says it's not time yet, it's not time yet Little Bunny." I say, feeling a lump well up in my throat. I swallow hard. "For now, you have Grace." I say. I smile up at Grace as acceptance begins to wash over me. I cannot be here to look after Ella, but Grace is. Ella is happy and loved. She is safe. She has been taken care of all of this time and obviously I love and respect the woman who was able to take her in and raise her as if she was her own.
"We still have a little time." Grace says. "Ella, why don't we have your Momma read your favorite story to you before she has to go home?" Grace asks, distracting Ella. Ella nods, practically pulling the two of us into her bedroom. It was everything that I could have ever imagined for her. It is soft and girly, warm and inviting. There is a big girl bed, a rocking chair, cozy quilts, a book shelf, and a toy box. There is a cozy rug on the wooden floor. Ella walks over to the bookshelf and brings back "The Runaway Bunny."
"That's your favorite book I ask?" Barley able to contain myself. I can feel myself starting to wake up. I read this book every single night during my pregnancy with her.
"Yes. Why did you stop reading to me?" She asks.
"I didn't know you could hear me." I say, trying to keep my voice even. She points to a little box cylinder box that resembles a Echo Dot.
"Grace turns it on sometimes so I can hear you. I like that, especially when you sing but I miss our story." I don't remember the last time I've sang anything. "It doesn't go backwards or forwards in time, only whatever is happening right then." She tries to explain, but even with her advanced vocabulary and language skills it seems she just doesn't have the words to explain this technology that reaches from the heavens to earth.
"Well, if I remember this dream, I'll read every night before I go to bed, would you like that?" I ask Ella, and she nods excitedly. Grace walks over to me, touching my temples with her hands. "You'll remember, now read to your little bunny before you wake up." I can feel myself waking up even more. Someone is calling my name. The sweet smells of the world are beginning to fade, and the sterilely clean smells of the hospital begin to creep in. I sit down in the rocking chair and Ella climbs up onto my lap, snuggling her Momma Bunny. I hold her closely. I take in every single moment not knowing when or if I will ever truly see her again. I kiss her on the top of her head, and then begin to read. Slowly, sweetly, softly, wishing this moment would never end.
"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So, he said to his mother I am running away. If you run away, she said I will run after you, for you are my little bunny."
Ella looks up at me with her big blue eyes, wise beyond her years. She smiles at me and kisses me gently on the cheek. "I love you Momma." She says. "I love you too little Ella Bunny. I love you, and I will always find my way back to you." I promise this time my voice confident as the world begins to dissolve around me, and I wake up.