Addison Montgomery Shepherd's Point of View:
"Dr. Grey. What are you doing here?" I ask disdainfully, looking up from the magazine I was reading to see Meredith standing in the doorway of my hospital room, just watching me. "Shouldn't you be off screwing my husband in a supply closet somewhere?" I ask, facetiously. I'm not jealous of her. I am better than that. It makes me sad to see how gently Derek treats her though. Their little affair wasn't exactly a secret. It reminds me of when Derek and I first started dating. The cute little pet names, the gentle way he caresses her cheek, the almost vomit inducing levels of puppy love. Something inside of me tells me that he would never hurt Meredith, not the same way that he hurt me. It's something I cannot explain. Maybe I am just hopeful that she will never have to face the abuse I did at his hands. Still, it leaves a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why is she good enough for his admiration? Why wasn't I good enough? I hate myself for it, but I realize I miss him.
"Oh, trust me, I'd rather be just about anywhere else." Meredith responds miserably. "Unfortunately, I was the intern on the case when you came in and so you're stuck with me. This isn't a walk in the park for me either. Not only am I lying to Derek, but it's a conflict of interest. You're a God, I'm an intern. I could easily kill you and nobody would bat an eye because interns are stupid and untrained."
"You'd lose your license, but you'd be doing me a favor." I say, quietly. She is silent for a long while, just looking at me, trying to gage if I am being serious or sarcastic.
"I don't have a death wish." She says finally. "If anything happens to you Mark would kill me and Derek would dump me, because there's no chance of getting you back if you're dead."
"I'm not having this conversation with you. I'm reassigning you. Find Bailey and tell her I told you to get out." I say, with an air of hatred and superiority.
"You need your vitals checked, Arizona wants bloodwork on the baby and Bailey wants your incision checked, you need your medications, and it's time for your bandages to be changed."
"I am capable of doing all of that without the help of my husband's slutty mistress." I shoot back. "I am your superior, and I gave you an order. Unless you want a letter of reprimand for insubordination in your file I'd leave." I shouldn't be so harsh. She really does deserve more of a chance. I have worked with her several times in the past and she isn't a horrible human being. She's not even a bad doctor. I know she'd never intentionally kill someone. In that moment though? I just want her gone. The pain from what I've done is one thing that I'm willing to deal with. Knowing that I'm in here while Derek is going home to fuck his kindergarten girlfriend every night? Not so much.
"How am I going to learn if you're not letting me do my job? You're supposed to teach me!" Meredith yells back.
"No." I say, shaking my head. "When I signed into this hospital as a patient, I stopped being a teacher. My job is to get better. My job isn't to teach you or to caudle you or even to look at you. Luckily as a patient I also have the luxury of not having to deal with you. Now get out of my room!" Meredith stands silent, staring at me, eyes filling with tears. "NOW!" I say, raising my voice. Meredith turns from me and runs out of the room. Unconcerned I pick up the magazine I was reading and turn to the next page.
"Addison you made her cry." Arizona says gently. She pushes down on my stomach, and I wince. She frowns and murmurs something about how warm I am.
"It's not my problem she can't handle her emotions." I squirm and audibly gasp in pain as Arizona feels around the incision site. "Be Gentle!" I demand.
"I know this hurts, I'm sorry." Arizona says. She takes off the medical tape and bandages. Her mouth opens in a light o formation. "Addison your incision is infected. You must be in massive amounts of pain right now. Do you not feel that?" I shrug.
"It doesn't feel any worse that I imagined major abdominal surgery without pain medication would feel." I try hard not to roll my eyes, as she tsks every time I wince as she cleans the wound and redresses it. She takes my vital signs and apparently that's an issue too.
"You have a fever of 102.0 and your blood pressure is elevated." She says, frowning down at me. "I'll take some blood to see what kind of infection you have." She checks the fetal monitor, and sighs. "Baby's looking a little stressed out here Momma." I look up at the monitor, this was news to me. I hadn't bothered checking the baby monitor, and I had turned off the volume when Mark left to do a surgery. "Her heartrate is higher than normal, but she doesn't appear to be in dire distress, and you're not contracting. It could just be the infection. I am going to change your antibiotic and order fluids. We need to make sure you're not getting dehydrated since you were disconnected from the IV. I'll do an ultrasound to make sure there isn't anything that we're missing." Arizona says, she leaves the room for a minute and then comes back wheeling the portable ultrasound machine. I detach myself from the monitor and lift my pajama top, putting the bed in a reclining position.
"Are you ready to see this baby?" Arizona asks, trying to lighten the mood.
"No." I say quickly. "Arizona, I don't want to see, and I don't want to hear her heartbeat." I should have turned the monitor off sooner. I didn't realize just how much it was wearing on me to hear the constant pitter patter of this little one inside of me. It's bad enough I have to constantly feel her. To hear her as well is just overwhelming.
"Are you sure?" Arizona asks, concerned.
"Defiantly." I turn my head, so I am facing away from the monitor screen. Arizona puts the warm gel on my stomach and begins moving the wand around, looking at baby.
"We've been friends a long time."
"Yes. I know."
"I never knew you were hurting. Not like this."
"I'm not hurt."
"Whose doing this to you?" She asks, directly. I can tell she is trying to be gentle with the ultrasound wand, but I can feel every movement. I am not sure if it hurts more because of the surgery, or because of the healing bruises. I look up at her, I can feel my eyes widening as my cheeks flush red, mortified. "You don't have to be embarrassed. You can tell me. I'm not going to tell anyone. I wouldn't anyway, but the chief made everyone who was in the operating room with you sign full confidentiality non-disclosure agreements."
"I slipped in the shower. It's no big deal Arizona. I just bruise more easily due to the anemia induced by the pregnancy."
"If a patient of yours had this level of bruising and told you a story like that would you believe her?" Arizona asks gently, checking the baby's heart now. I think for a moment. I have had patients who were victims of domestic violence in the past. She knows I have. This isn't that. I'm not a victim.
"I would want more information." I admit finally.
"I can help you, but only if you tell me the truth."
"No… I'm…Ari…" I grimace as the baby moves again, fighting against the ultrasonic waves. It's more though. I realize I am frozen in fear. Has seconds passed or minutes? I can't move. I feel like I can't breathe. The numbness caused by keeping these horrible secrets locked up inside confusing me. The baby kicking has distracted me. I've forgotten my lines. "I'm fine. It was just an accident." I give her a small smile, shrugging and fall silent for a moment. I know that Arizona knows the truth. She just wants me to say it, and I can't. She has to know the truth. She'd be blind not to know. There is nothing I can do to change what she knows. "Ari?" I ask, using the old nickname for Arizona. I haven't used it in so long it takes her by surprise, and she stops the ultrasound, giving me her full attention.
"What is it?" She asks, gently.
"I'm not noticeably pregnant." I start.
"Everyone is different, you're only twenty-five weeks. This isn't uncommon Addison, especially with how tall you are."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh?" She asks.
"He can never find out about this baby." I say with such urgency that Arizona looks alarmed and takes my hand. "He'll fight for custody. He'll hurt her."
"I need to know who you're protecting her from. Is it Mark?" Arizona asks. I know this technique. You start with someone safe to help the patient open up.
"No." I say quickly. "It's not Mark. Mark would never ever do this. He helped me leave."
"Was it Derek?" She says his name carefully. "Honey, you don't have to say anything, just squeeze my hand if the answer is yes, or nod or something." My heart is pounding so hard from the mounting anxiety. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. I have never told anyone the truth aside from Mark and that… it was an accident. I close my eyes, certain that I am making a decision that will possibly end my life. I realize it doesn't matter. I look away from Arizona and tightly squeeze her hand. Taking a leap of faith that I will never be able to turn back from.
"Thank you." Arizona says, quietly with a sigh of relief. "Thank you for trusting me with the truth." Time stands still for a few minutes. I open my eyes to see that she's crying.
"You don't have to worry. I have a plan." I say. It's not a good plan and I haven't hashed out the details with Mark, so that makes it even worse as I am not sure if he'll go along with it.
"You have a plan." She echoes. She nods at me and then picks up the ultrasound wand again and continues where she left off. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need I'm here for you." I look up at her doubtfully, but something tells me she's safe, and I need to let my guard down. I need to take this chance.
"I don't want this baby, but I don't want him…" I cannot even say his name. "To get custody of her and hurt her. You have to protect her Arizona." I say, I can't keep the emotional void out of my tone.
"We have to protect both of you." Arizona corrects me with a small, sad smile. She shakes herself out of friend mode and back into doctor mode. "This starts with you taking your medication and not abusing the interns." She says firmly. "Baby looks okay for now. It's just the infection and the inflammation causing her increased heartrate." She puts the ultrasound machine away and wipes the gel off of me. She takes my hand and helps me to sit up.
"She hasn't had proper prenatal care. She has been exposed to heavy alcohol use and prescription drugs. I found out I was pregnant so late. I am going to have Mark sign her birth certificate so we can put her up for adoption. Derek never needs to find out. If she's sick though who's…" a knot forms in my throat. I can't stop my face from crumpling as the tears fall down it. I can't finish my sentence who's going to want her?
"So, you start now." Arizona says, she pulls me into a tight hug. "You find your voice. You don't let your fear keep you silent. You take control of your life back. You are giving this baby her absolute best shot. You can turn this around for her. You are so smart and so brave Addison. I know you can get through this." She takes my face in her hands and gently wipes the tears away. "You're safe. We've got you." She promises before she lets go, and I lay against her, and just cry. All of the fear, anxiety, frustration, and guilt releasing in those much-needed ugly sobs.
"It's not the bruises on the body that hurt. It's the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind." Aisha Mirz