Addison Montgomery Shepherd's Point of View
A Few Weeks Later
"I will never be free." I think to myself as I awake from another nightmare, my face damp from tears.
"I heard you crying, are you okay?" Amelia asks, knocking, but not waiting for a response before she barges into my room, and sits on the bed with Mark and I.
"I don't know." I say, trying to get the dream out of my mind. I can't though. I never sleep properly anymore. I haven't for years. I can't close my eyes without seeing his face. It's something to never feel safe, even in your own home. I look over to Mark. He's still asleep.
"Why didn't you wait until I said something? What if we had been…" My voice trailed off.
"Oh, you wouldn't have been."
"How do you know what I would or wouldn't have been doing at…" I check the clock. "Five AM?"
"I know you Addison." She says with a little smirk. "If you had been doing anything above PG13 it would have sounded like a porno was playing. You're not exactly quiet."
"Oh baby, sometimes I forget just how naive you are." I say sadly. The 'loudness' was something that Derek preferred. It was nothing more than a performance I did because when I didn't all hell would break loose. Mark, well… Mark lets me do whatever I want. I don't have to pretend to feel something I don't or be someone I'm not when I'm with him.
"Still, you wouldn't have." She insists. "You're crying."
"I'm really tired Amy…" I say, using my pet name for her. She won't even let Derek call her Amy, in general she hates nicknames, but she lets me. She always has. "I think I'll just go back to…" I start, but Amelia nudges Mark over and climbs up on the bed in between us. He grumbles but goes back to sleep.
"No more sleeping. You've been in this bed for weeks Addison. You've been in this funk since you broke your hand. Let's go do something. Anything. Addison you need to get out of this bed."
"Amelia I'm tired. I'm in bed because I am tired. I just want to sleep." I grown. Mark stirs.
"Go away. It's too early for all this." He mumbles. Pulling the pillow over his head.
"Do you not think this is weird that you're in our bed at 5am on a Saturday?" Mark asks Amelia.
"She's, my sister."
"She's depressed. She has PTSD and Anxiety. She's still grieving. It's been a hard few week on her Amelia. She needs you to show her grace right now."
"She should be working through this Mark. It's been weeks."
"She's doing the best she can."
"BOTH of you just go away!" I propose. "I'm fine. Go find someone else to argue about."
"Why were you crying?" Mark asks, concerned.
"I had another nightmare." I say, looking down ashamed.
"You're crying again." Amelia points out, I quickly wipe my eyes, feeling suddenly very self-cautious. Rage feels me. I suddenly hate her, and him. I just want to be left alone.
"What do you want me to say Amelia?" I ask callously. "Do you want me to go into detail on how everytime I close my eyes I am back in that house? Do you want me to tell you how he beat me? How it felt when he was inside of me raping me? What do you want from me?!" I scream the last bit, but more tears come. They're hot. They sting my cheeks.
"Addison that's not what I meant." She says, gently. I feel bad for yelling at her. She has suffered abuse at Derek's hands too. He didn't rape her, but we're more alike than not.
"I just want you to feel better." Amelia says, carefully.
"Do you feel better?" I ask her.
"No… not really, but I can live with it now. I couldn't before."
"My baby is dead. My husband has a deadly brain tumor and will likely die in prison. I am so fucked up that I'm in bed with his sister and his best friend. I don't think I am going to 'feel better' anytime soon, possibly never."
"I thought the same thing when I was doing drugs. That I was too damaged. That I was toxic to everyone I was around. That I was underserving of love. I was wrong Addison. I wasn't fucked up, and neither are you." Amelia says, soothingly, but then smirks at the thought. "Well maybe we are, a little." She admits, "But aren't we all?"
"Leave me alone." I tell her again. "Just let me sleep." I know good and well that I will not actually be going back to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes and face my 'dreams' again. I just want a time where I don't have to be strong. I want to be able to breathe. I don't want to have to keep this mask down, telling everyone else that I'm fine when I feel like I am crumbling.
"Leave her alone." Mark says. "She needs more time, besides I thought you were going to go visit Derek today." He reminds her.
"I thought about it, but I decided that torturing Addison was a better use of my time."
"Once he's gone, you'll never have another chance to say goodbye."
"That's okay. I don't need it, Mark."
"How would I know that? The only thing she ever tells me is that I should go and visit him. She tells me that I should support him. I should stop aligning myself with his psychopathic wife." She says, rolling her eyes. "Who cares if she is actually practicing what she's preaching?"
"You have a wonderful mother, Amelia."
"You didn't have to live with her."
Mark Sloan's Point of View
"I thought Amelia said she was coming today." Derek says, eyeing me questionably. They have him behind a glass window for this visitation, I guess threatening your wife gets your privileges demoted down to no contact visits only. He puts the phone to his ear.
"She stayed with Addison today."
"Of course, she did." Derek looks like he is trying hard to suppress his disappointment. "They always were joined at the hip. I almost regret introducing them to each other."
"They're sisters." I say, remembering what Amelia had told me earlier. "They'll always be there for each other in one way or another. Sometimes the family you choose is better than the one you were born into."
"Addison always treated Amelia more like her child than her sister." Derek says critically.
"The are very protective of each other." I say, and we stare at each other in distain for a few moments before Derek speaks again.
"Why are you here Mark?"
"You being in here is killing her. I need you to take a plea deal."
"There is no evidence. This is going to trial. I am going to clear my name."
"Our friendship is over. I will never be able to forgive you for what you've done to her, but for reasons I cannot even fathom she is convinced that she loves you. This is hurting her Derek."
"Mark, I don't know what she's told you, but I never…"
"Are you really going to do this right now?" I ask him. I shiver as the images of her bruised body come to mind. I wonder if I look at her differently. I have known for so long, this just seems like who we always were, but would I look at her the same, have the same unconditional love for her if I had only just found out when I picked her up that night? I want to say no. I want to say I know who the real Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery Shepherd is, but how much of who I know has been influenced by Derek?
"I never meant to hurt her."
"There is evidence. There is a lot of evidence of your abuse over the years. You were messy. You are a dirtbag who deserves to rot in hell for breaking her, but even scum like yourself doesn't deserve to die in prison. You're dying Derek. If you take the plea deal you may have a chance of getting out, a chance to make things right with her, a chance to die with dignity."
"I really am sorry for what I've put her through."
"Oh, now you're remorseful? Do you know that she broke her wrist, intentionally, and didn't go to the hospital for over a week to get it casted because she was so terrified to step foot in the hospital again after the assault?"
"Is she okay?"
"She'll live if that's what you mean. It's still not known if her bones will heal on their own or if she will need surgery. It's unknown if she will operate again, but considering that operating requires actually being able to step foot in a hospital…" I trail off. I don't want to be in a reality where Addison cannot do the thing she loves. "You do not deserve to know about her though. You do not deserve to be able to sleep at night when she is up, terrified because she's reliving the abuse you put her through everytime she closes her eyes."
"Mark…She's psychotic. She's falsely making accusations against me, and she will falsely make accusations against you too. Just give it time."
"This isn't good Derek."
"You know me. Do you really think I'd hurt her?"
"I know her better."
"You only know the Addison that I created, and the only reason you know her is because you're screwing her."
"You broke her Derek. I make no apologies for trying to help her repair what you broke." I haven't actually started having sex with Addison again, but in the grand scheme of things what does it matter WHAT Derek and Amelia think is going on behind closed doors? I want to be sure that she is ready before we take that next big step. I don't want to push her. I shake my head in revulsion and stand. "Take the plea deal you worthless piece of shit. You're not an idiot. If you are truly remorseful, even in the slightest you would confess. You would take the plea deal and you wouldn't make Addison face a trial that you're too sick to even live to see the conclusion of." I say, before hanging up the phone and leaving the visiting room.
LATER AT HOME
Addison Montgomery Shepherd's Point of View
"I had to leave Addison. You have no idea. I wanted to strangle him through that glass window." Mark said, shaking his head. He had been pacing back and forth ranting about Derek for the better part of an hour now. He's starting to make me dizzy.
"Mark… be still somewhere." I don't bother to point out that the windows wouldn't be made of actual glass. They would be made of something extremely durable that the inmates cannot break. The windows would have been coated in detention glazing, which is a half inch thick layer of poly carbonate. It flexes and rebounds when struck, instead of breaking. He comes over to the bed and sits down next to me, taking off his shoes, and putting them on the rack under the bed. "You need to get up Addison. Letting him do this to you is giving him way more power than he deserves."
"I want to die." I say softly. I had pulled the blanket over my face so I could stop watching him pace back and forth in front of me, but I pull it back down, looking at him miserably.
"Well dying isn't an option. You'll have to figure something else out."
"Can't we just imagine that it was?"
"It's not." He says firmly. "You cannot have a permanent solution to a temporary problem Addison. It's not an option." He repeats. He pulls the blanket off of me and helps me to sit up. I can't help but whimper. It feels weird to sit up after spending so much time lying down. My head feels woozy.
"He hurt me." I say, my voice so small. "He hurt Jazlynn. She suffered because of me. How can I get past that guilt Mark? How can I live with myself knowing what I've done?"
"What you've done?" He asks, carefully.
"Everyone would be better off without me here."
"I wouldn't be." He says, so delicately. "Amelia wouldn't be. I cannot imagine a world that you're not a part of. If you die… Amelia and I will break. We will be broken, not just sad. Broke, and you can't come back from that Addison. It's selfish. God, I know it's selfish, but I need you to hang on for just a little longer. I need you to try. Maybe… Maybe there is no getting past the trauma you've faced. Maybe it's just something that you have to through. Something that you have to let us help you work through. We are your family, and we love you so much, we need you Addison."
THE NEXT DAY
"You're downstairs." Amelia says, approvingly as she walks into the kitchen after her shift at the hospital. She eyes the bowl of soup I am eating, and the book I am reading.
"Do you want some? There's more in the slow cooker."
"Sure. This looks great." Amelia says. She ladles out a portion of soup into a bowl and then puts the bowl on a plate with some saltine crackers. "So, you're starting to feel better then?" She asks, hopefully.
"I was hungry."
"That's a good start. Do you want to talk?" She asks.
"I'm miserable." I admit. "She has been gone for weeks now. My milk hasn't dried up. I'm in pain. I just want…" I say, but then I stop. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know how to just be content with what I have. "All I do is sleep, pump, cry. All day long. I don't even know why I am so upset. I didn't want her, I never wanted her."
"Simple answer?" Amelia asks, and I nod. "It's the hormones." She says, and then before I could stop her. "The long answer though is that I think deep down you really did want her. You wanted to do right by her. God knows you went back and forth a million times on the subject."
"You weren't even here for most of this mess." I point out. "Who are you to tell me what I did and didn't do? I killed her just like I killed Ella and the baby I lost on the stairs." I don't normally speak of that baby, and she looks shocked that I mention him. The pregnancy was so early. I was only fourteen weeks. Everything is normally about Ella, or Jazlynn, but his loss is like a dark shadow hanging over me. "I want to have my tubes removed. I want to be put on birth control as an extra precaution. I am toxic Amelia. I cannot carry a child to term, and I do not want to be put in this situation ever again." I say all of this without any real emotion behind it. I am still so tired. So numb. It's just a statement of fact, like the sky is blue or the grass is green. This is what needs to happen.
"You didn't kill your children Addison." She says, and I sigh. Hadn't Mark brought up the very same argument everytime we discuss this? He didn't know about the baby I lost on the stairs, while I was with Derek, but Ella and Jazlynn, they were his, even if it was only a lie with Jazlynn.
"I tried to kill myself. I tried to kill myself and I tried to cut Jazlynn from my womb so I wouldn't be pregnant forever in purgatory. I tried to kill her, before I really knew her."
"Like you said, you were trying to kill yourself." Amelia says simply. "People make mistakes Addison."
"I should be in prison. I should be locked away and they should throw away the key. Instead, I am here recovering. I am free to go back to work at any time. I am free to have the lives of innocent babies in my hands. How is that right when I cannot even keep my own children alive? How does any of this make any sense?"
"You're being a little dramatic. Maybe things aren't supposed to make sense right now. You are obviously here for a reason."
"I am not being dramatic."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you like I should have been." She says, comfortingly. "I was supposed to keep her safe, and she seized in your arms. I didn't know how to approach you after she died, and you fell into your depression. You breaking your hand the day I was visiting scared me too. I want our relationship back Addison. I miss you. You're my sister and I love you."
"It's alright. I don't want you to worry about that." I say.
"You didn't call."
"I didn't want to bother you with this. I know how it feels to grieve someone you so desperately want to save." I say, looking down at my cracker, smashing it into my soup with my spoon. After Amelia went to rehab things got so much worse with Derek. Things got worse and I hid it all from her. I feel so embarrassed now. She always knew that things were bad, but she didn't know how bad. I just wanted her to be free. When she got out of rehab she enrolled in college, pre-med, and now, all of these years later look at who she's become. She's brilliant and talented. She wouldn't have been the same if I had burdened her with my problems, then or now.
"I blame myself for how out of control this all has gotten." She says, in a small voice. "Derek told me something when I visited him right after he was arrested and I just… I didn't know how to approach you after that."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"He has pictures of you on his phone. When he was locked up, they gave me his phone and other personal belongings. He must have kept the physical copies somewhere in the house because he has years of pictures of you Addison. Going all the way back into to the early nineties."
"That's not uncommon, we have been married since 1994." I say, and she presses her lips together hard.
"So, you knew he took pictures of your body when you were sleeping?"
"Oh." I say, realizing what she is getting at. These are not ordinary pictures. He must have taken pictures of my injuries over the years. I don't know why, but I am not at all surprised of freaked out by this.
"You have a mountain worth of evidence that has been submitted to the courts, now but I have a copy Derek tries to make them disappear and we cannot find the originals."
"Amelia…" I say, understanding why she would be freaked out. I tried to shield her from the worst of Derek's wrath towards me, but I was not always as successful as I should have been. I should have cut ties with her. That would have protected her from seeing this more, but she was always so needy of me.
"No… Addison listen to me. He told me to look up a specific date. All the photos were digitally uploaded and then tagged with the date the pictures were taken."
"Okay."
"The day after you took me to rehab you were in the hospital. You were intubated." She says, she looks so scared. I don't have to think too hard about my life to remember exactly what she is referring to. "He was trying to convince me to testify on his behalf. He told me that the next time I defy his orders you won't be so lucky." She is trembling.
"Oh Amy…" I soothe. "I'm so sorry he did that. I didn't know he took photos."
"Why did you send me away? I could have helped you!"
"I'm not your mother, but Amelia, I love you enough that I wanted to give you what she couldn't, or maybe what she wouldn't. I'm not sure which it is…" I say, and she looks like she is going to cry, but I continue on. "I wanted to give you your best shot. Answer me honestly. Would you have become even half of the person you are today if you had stayed with Derek and I?" She is biting down on her trembling lip. She shakes her head no. "It's okay. This is not your fault."
"You… you stayed though and look how amazing you've become."
"You and I are very different Amelia. I was already through college and medical school by the time Derek, and I got married. I had already lived; I had experienced adult life. Sweetheart you were just starting out."
"You lied to me." Amelia says, piecing together the memories of the past.
"What?"
"You came to visit me, in rehab and then in college. I never saw bruises, you didn't act like you were hurt, or in pain. You must have been in so much pain, but not once did you show it in front of me, not until recently."
"I know." I say, sadly shaking my head. "Lying by omission doesn't really count as lying right? I didn't want to burden you, Amelia. You were doing so well. You were thriving. You are thriving."
"I want you to thrive. We'll figure this out together. I need you to make it through this, and you're going to need to need help, you need support and possibly counseling."
"I'm fine."
"I'm not a little girl that you need to protect anymore Addison. I need you to stop lying to me. Neither of us are fine." She says, and we fall into silence, finishing our meal without another word.
"Why is everyone declaring the undivided devotion towards me?" I ask Mark, throwing his pillow onto his side of the bed where it belongs. I don't know how his things keep migrating to my side of the bed but it annoys me to no end.
"You've been pretty down lately."
"Amelia told me she needs me today. You told me the same thing. Did ya'll get together and synchronize your lines or something?"
"I guess we just both love you that much." He says. He comes up behind me and pulls me into his embrace, just holding me there for a moment, before saying. "I have something for you."
"Oh?" I ask, he releases me, and I finish putting on my pajamas, I had gotten distracted with his pillow taking up my space. I struggle with the annoyance of my casted wrist. Eating with my left hand is one thing, trying to get dressed is a whole different story. When I am finished dressing and have brushed out my hair with my good hand Mark goes to the vanity, opens the third drawer, and takes out a small black necklace box from Tiffany's.
"I thought you may want this back." He says gently. He opens the box reveling my golden locket that I had ripped off of my neck and threw at him during our argument all that time ago. "I had the chain replaced and …" He opens the locket up, on the one side is the same picture of Ella, but on the other side is a picture of little Jazlynn. "Now you can keep your babies close to your heart, wherever you go."
"This is beautiful." I say. "I don't deserve you; you know that right?" I ask. He pulls me close, hugging me tightly. "How did you know this is exactly what I needed tonight?"
"I just did." Mark answers with a smile.
"Thank you." I say, kissing him softly. "You have no idea how much I needed this today." I say, looking down at the two pictures of my little girls. Both born too small, too frail. I wish I could have been better for them. "I don't know where to go from here Mark."
"What do you mean?"
"I want my life to go back to normal." I say gently. I close the locket and rub my fingers over the smooth heart shape.
"What does normal look like to you?" He asks. He takes the brush and begins to braid my hair back so that it doesn't tangle overnight. I move my head up, closer to the brush. "That seems like the first step, right?" I realize that I am craving the calming rhythm of the brush moving through my hair, and then the gentle touch of Mark's hands working through my thick auburn locks. Weaving the strands into something beautiful. When had he learned to braid?
"It is." I agree and then. "I don't know." I admit. "I mean eventually Derek will be dead, and I will be free to submerse myself into a whole new reality without that constant fear in the back of my mind that he is going to jump out of the shadows and take me, or somehow manipulate me into going with him. When this happens, I want to travel somewhere beautiful. I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who…" I drop my voice. "Someone who won't hurt me."
"I'm listening…" He says soothingly.
"I want to a dog, and maybe even a child. I want to love and be loved. I want to do all of the things that he told me I couldn't. The things he told me I'm not worthy of. I want my happily ever whatever."
"You sound pretty certain for someone who 'doesn't know'." Mark responds with a smile.
"I guess I have been dreaming of what life could look like since the day you showed up at my front door. You never stopped loving me, after all this time."
"I didn't stop." He confirms. "I will never stop loving you Addison, ever."