ADDISON MONTGOMERY SHEPHERD's POINT OF VIEW

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER

"Addison you need to calm down. You're flushed, sweating. Your blood pressure is already high. You're going to stroke out." Amelia says, tisking at me. I don't correct her with my theory. Stress can cause strokes, of course, but it seems more likely that I would have a stress induced heart attack. I can't calm myself down.

"Don't tell me to calm down!" I scream…she just looks up at me, almost boredly. "What is the point of holding him without bail until the trail if they were just going to let him out on compassionate release." I demand. We had just come from the courthouse. Today was sentencing and Derek was released on his own recognizances. The only stipulation was that the restraining order was to remain in full effect until I have it nullified. Mark had tried talking Derek into a plea deal, but he refused. He wanted his day in court. He knew he would have a sympathetic jury due to his health issues. He wanted to force me to testify. It's been a long couple of weeks. I just want to sleep. I want to go to sleep, and I don't want to wake up. I am partially to blame for his freedom.

"You wanted your day in court just as much as he did."

"I lost."

"You showed compassion."

"That solves nothing!" I exclaim. I throw my cup of coffee hard. It hits the cabinet and smashes loudly. Coffee and bits of broken glass litter the area where it had hit and fallen. I stand frozen, just looking at the mess, not bothering to move to tidy it up.

"You're the one who wanted him out of jail." Amelia says, plainly. "We warned you that this would happen, that it wasn't what you really wanted." Amelia looks from the mess to me and then takes another drink of her own coffee, unbothered.

"I know, I know." I admit. "Do you think Mark will ever forgive me?" I wish Mark was here. I would be calmer if he was here, even if he was screaming at me. He was caught off guard by my impact statement that I gave when I testified. He was furious once we were outside of the courtroom and refused to speak to me. Instead, just yelled at Amelia about me and after making her promise to stay with me left saying he had to get back to work. He took the car, and we took an uber.

"You declaring your love for the man who made your life a living hell probably put a damper on things, but he's Mark. He'll come around."

"I didn't."

"In your impact statement to the court you asked them to show Derek compassion due to his delicate situation. You told them that this whole thing was a misunderstanding and Derek loves you. It's basically the same thing." She takes a bite of her avocado toast. "You're defeated Addison. You gave up. Maybe you should have told the truth if you wanted a different outcome."

"That's beside the point Amelia and you know it."

"No, it isn't. The courts played right into your hands. They did exactly what you wanted them to do. Destroying the kitchen isn't going to make the stupid decision that you've made any better. It's not going to magically solve the problem that you've created for yourself."

"It could because God knows we need a little bit of magic. We haven't been able to come up with a better idea. Mark is furious with me and you're on baby-sitting duty. I am not a child who need baby-sitting Amelia."

"He thinks you're going to kill yourself." She admits. "Mark just wants to make sure that you're safe."

"I'm not going to kill myself."

"Did you text your therapist? What did they say?" Amelia asks me, cutting her egg into bite sized pieces. I hate breakfast for dinner. She always separates everything out which I personally find inconvenient. What is the point of a breakfast sandwich if everything is separate?

"She didn't say anything, well, she said to breathe, but that's not really helpful."

"Breathing is a good start." Amelia admits. "Are you breathing?" She challenges.

"Fuck breathing. Amelia are you breathing right now?"

"No." She admits. "We need a distraction." She suggests.

"I am going to have to go back to him." I say, shaking my head. "I told him that I'd help him. He looked so bad in the court room." Derek's hair, once so luxurious was starting to thin. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes. His skin is tinged yellow. I suspect without as many words that the chemotherapy he received, or the high doses of medication caused damage to his liver.

"You don't have to do anything Addison." She tries halfheartedly to soothe me.

"How could I not? Did you see him today?"

"Yeah." She says quietly. "He's getting exactly what he deserves. It's kind of ironic."

"No one deserves this Amelia."

"So, you're saying what he did to you is okay? Because what he did to me sure as hell wasn't. You've forgiven him? How could you do that? How could you say what you did? You were supposed to protect me. You were supposed to protect us both."

"You're not my child to protect." I remind her, but it's not exactly true. I've always tried my best to protect her. "It's okay to not forgive him. It's okay to be upset. Seeing him today was a shock."

"What will we do?"

"Right now, we're going to destroy this horrible, ugly, piece of trash Dollar Tree dinnerware set." I say. I hand her a plate. She takes it, looking at me suspiciously. "I will never breathe freely again knowing that I helped him be released under my own free will. So, I might as well do something to alleviate the guilt." I take a dinner plate from the stack and throw it down, hard, smashing it to the ground. This set isn't really from the Dollar Tree. This is the set that I bought for Mark one of the first times I left Derek and went back to him. He had been eating off nothing but paper plates and bowls. Eating with plastic forks and spoons. I'll buy him another set. I wanted to get the nicer, break resistant ones with the blue flowers around the edges. He insisted on the plain white. I wanted to order fine China from Italy. He insisted on ceramic dishes from Walmart, and the Walmart brand not break resistant ones I offered. I am surprised there is not more chips in the dishes. They are large and heavy. They so easily clink together when being washed, even when washing carefully.

"Mark isn't going to be very happy about this."

"Mark already isn't happy, and I hate these dishes. Come on Amelia. Since when you have been such a Debbie Downer?"

"This isn't about the dishes Addison." Amelia says, sitting the plate in the pile with the others. She hands me a broom. I take it begrudgingly and sweep up the glass mess and then clean up the spilled coffee with a rag.

"He'll want me to go home. I'll have to help him. I told him I would help him." I repeat.

"There is a restraining order." She reminds me.

"I'll have my lawyer take care of it in the morning."

"Addison…" She says my name so forcefully that I look up. "You have to be strong this time. I don't care what you promised him. You have to tell him no."

"You know telling him no was never an option. I'll be okay Amelia. I promise."

"He's going to kill you."

"He can try I guess, but he hasn't succeeded yet. I'm stronger than I look."

"You can't do this."

"I'll be okay."

"You just have to stick it out a little while longer Addison. Stay here. You're safe." She begs me. I shake my head and she looks at me, a mixture of frustration and anger when she realizes that I have no intentions of complying.

"I'll leave tonight. You'll tell Mark you fell asleep, and when you woke up I was gone."

"No." I take a deep breath and swallow hard. "Amelia I have to… There's no one else who can help him." I go to the bedroom, and she follows me. I pack a single suitcase, leaving most of my possessions.

"Hospice can help him."

"Not the way I can, and Amelia, I don't want you tangled up in this. You have to let me go."

"You're going to kill him…" She says, as a realization hits her.

"No."

"I don't believe you."

"I didn't ask you to." We stand there, still for a moment.

"The police will know. They'll do an investigation."

"No one is killing anyone. I am just going home to help care for my dying husband. That's all this is." I move to go to the door. She grabs me, but I push her back, freeing myself from her grasp. She holds her hands up, surrendering.

"Tell Mark there is a note on his nightstand, he can read it when he's ready."

"Addie…"

"Everything's going to be okay Amelia. I'll see you at work in the morning."

"Just hold on." She says her voice trembling. "You just have to hold on until he dies." She says, sounding a little too happy at the thought, but she hiccups, and it makes her cry, hard. You can take solace in the fact that he will be dead within two years of his release, and he'll probably be too sick to hurt you for most of that." She is being generous. I wonder if she's seen his newest scans. He has received some treatment in prison, but it's not been enough, the tumor is still inoperable, and he is weak. I wonder if that is real though. Is he really as frail as he is portraying himself to be or has it all been a show for the courts?

"I'll be fine. I promise." I say again, and before she can object any further, I turn and walk away.

AUTHORS NOTE:

I really wasn't sure what to write, but I wanted to write SOMETHING, and so this is what I came up with. Trying to get out of the writing slump. I don't think that realistically Amelia would have let her leave, but honestly maybe she just didn't want a fight.