In My Blood
Chapter 3
"A study published in The Journal of Neuroscience examined the way certain emotions affect your sense of smell. After exposing subjects to anxiety-inducing images such as car accidents and war, researchers found that neutral scents became unpleasant and bad smells became even worse." I read, trying to put some emotion into the dry subject matter. She watches me, but doesn't respond, or ask questions of any kind when I pause. She has been so distracted this week. Every day during my lunch break she brings me a book and asks me to read it to her, but rarely does she pay attention. Today it was the latest copy of Neuroscience Today. She must have spent the morning in her Daddy's office. I make a mental note to buy her some more kid appropriate things to read and keep them in my office for her. It's no wonder she has no interest in reading when this is the material, she is being given. She is a normal little kid, not a child prodigy like Matilda or something. This thought makes me want to buy her some Roald Dahl books, especially the ones on the banned books list. I wish I could take her and spend the entire day browsing the isles of a bookstore, sipping coffee, and looking at all of the different titles. Judging by the dead look in her eyes this topic isn't exciting to her, to be honest neuroscience isn't exciting for me either.
"Aunt Addison?" Oakley asks me, we're sitting on the fountain in the entryway, looking at the coins that people have tossed in. I hand her a handful of coins, and she takes to telling me what each coin is, it's value, and what year is on the coin before rolling it in her fingers and tossing it in the fountain one at a time while I read to her.
"Yes?"
"What's the real reason I have red hair? Like the medically reason? I was looking in Daddy's office. I looked in all of his medical books, but I can't read so well yet, the words are too big for me."
"You want the medical reason huh?" I ask her, and she nods. I freeze, trying to scramble for the answer that I learned during my genetics fellowship. Clearly telling her 'You have red hair because I'm your mommy.' wouldn't work. I wonder if Meredith will ever tell her the truth. I doubt it. Honestly, I'm thankful that I can just be Aunt Addison, and not have the additional burden of potentially ruining her life. I am so conflicted. When she was a baby, and I wasn't bonding with her well I never wanted her to know the truth. Now I am getting too close to her, and to Willow. I realize if Oakley ever finds out the truth it will shatter her trust in me. Let's just pray that she doesn't. My protective walls are not as strong as I thought they were. I haven't been able to keep my distance from them. I fell into the role of Aunt Addison easily, way easier than I expected to. I can feel myself growing more and more attached to them every day. I look forward to seeing them, and spending time with them. This scares me because this time I know that I don't want to let go.
"I asked Siri on my watch, but her answer isn't a very medically one."
"There is a recessive gene called the MC1R gene. If a person's mommy and daddy both have that gene the baby can inherit the gene from their parents. If the baby inherited the gene, it would develop red hair."
"Is there a big chance of that?" She asks, paying careful attention to this.
"There is about a fifty percent chance if both parents pass on the recessive gene. Why?" I ask her, not realizing until too late what she's getting at. Not catching that I had accidentally given her the percentage if one parent has red hair and one does not. I don't remember the percent if neither parent has red hair, I think it is around twenty five percent chance if both parents have the gene, but do not have red hair. Either way it isn't relevant in this situation as she didn't come from Meredith and Derek. She doesn't catch my mistake though and just rambles on.
"You still didn't color your hair back red, and now it isn't even a little bit red anymore." She says with a small pout, observing me, grudgingly. "I thought you said red hair is 'Like a Princess.' I thought you said that I'm supposed to like it?" She asks. I had the chance to go to the hair salon and get a touch up, but I haven't had the time or the energy to start the process of going back red. It's a process that can take weeks when your hair is as dark as mine is.
"Well yes, you are. I haven't had the chance to go back to my natural color yet, it's a very lengthy process." I admit. "It takes a long time to go back to your natural color, and I've been really busy here working a lot." I'm not sure that I even want to go back to red, but I told her that I would, and so eventually I will.
"Can you color my hair black too?" She asks.
"Absolutely not."
"How come? Please? It's not that big of a deal!" She says, clearly annoyed. "I'd do it myself, but if we get dye on the counter-tops again my Mummy will freak out. Not to mention where do you even buy hair dye? Do you get it at like Walmart?"
"I went to a salon and had it done. I will not be dying your hair, and neither will you. Hair dye isn't safe for children your age. Your hair is gorgeous, and your parents would murder me if I dyed it."
"My daddy and sister have black hair."
"Yes."
"My Mummy's hair is blonde."
"I know."
"NOBODY LOOKS LIKE ME!" She screams, starting to cry. Her sudden shrillness catches me off guard and I start, dropping Neuroscience Today in the fountain. She laughs through her tears as I scramble to fish it out of the water.
"You didn't have to shout." I remind her. "Your Daddy isn't going to be so happy about this." I mumble, tossing the sodding magazine in the trash bin.
"He'll get over it. He's rich. He'll just buy another one if he really wants it." She says sniffling.
"Oh sweetie." I whisper, and against my better judgment I scoop the crying little girl up into my arms. She rests her head on my shoulder and I rub her back until she's stopped crying and is breathing evenly again.
"I'm an outcast. Nobody looks like me."
"The gene is recessive baby. That means your Daddy, Mommy, and even your big sister do not necessarily have to have red hair for you to have red hair. It doesn't matter what color your hair is, or what you look like. You are beautiful just the way you are, never change yourself to fit in when you were born like a fiery phoenix to stand out and shine."
"You changed yourself." She says, bottom lip trembling.
"I made a mistake, and I have to live with that until I can get it corrected." I tell her. "You can learn from my mistake and learn to love yourself just the way you are." When I say this, she smiles, and I make a mental note to set up an appointment to start the process this weekend.
"Where do you always disappear to?" The green haired girl, Amber, asks me. "Why do you get a longer lunch break than everyone else? You're supposed to be here, you're supposed to teach us." We are in the neonatal intensive care unit, observing a premie we delivered this morning.
"Baby-sitting incompetent adults wasn't listed in my job description."
"Dr. Grey-Shepherd said that you have to be nice to me."
"I don't have to be nice to anybody. She's not my boss. I don't report to Dr. Grey."
"Grey-Shepherd."
"Do I really look like I care that she bothered to hyphenate her last name right now?"
"You're supposed to be friends. Derek talks about you, you know that right, ever since you walked in on us, he hasn't shut up about you. It's really annoying when I just want to f..."
"I'm going to suggest you stop talking... right now." I say, quickly, cutting her off.
"Why do you get special privileges?" She demands.
"I am not an intern. I've already done my time." I bite my tongue hard. I have been trying to be more kind to her after the discussion with Meredith several weeks ago. It doesn't always work though. I cannot spend my life walking on eggshells to cater to those who may be triggered or offended.
"Why do you cater to the Grey-Shepherd brats?" She demands.
"Why are you more interested in my personal life than you are with keeping your job?"
"I'm doing my job. You told me to watch the baby. I'm watching the baby. Her vitals are stable, everything looks good in her blood work. Her medication is current. She's doing extremely well." When she says this the tiny baby in the incubator opens her eyes, and coos at her. "Yes, you are doing well aren't you peanut?" She asks, smiling down at the baby.
"Peanut?" I ask.
"She's so little. Her parents are afraid to choose a name. They're terrified of losing her."
"She has a ninety five percent chance of survival."
"That doesn't take away the fear of the five percent chance that she'll never leave this room." She points out, and I stop to consider this for a moment, and then change the subject.
"The girls, they're not brats. They're actually really good kids. They just don't have much direction, especially with their father spending extra time away." I put particular emphasis on this, hoping that she is smart enough to gather that their misbehavior is at least partially her fault. She knows that Derek is married, she knows he has children, yet she chooses to stay with him. I hope she isn't stupid enough to believe that he is going to leave his wife and children for her. Honestly, we're all a bunch of screw ups. Derek never thought that I would leave him for Mark. I never thought Mark would leave me for Trixie. The situation between Derek and Meredith, that was more amicable, in my opinion not the same thing. At least Derek didn't hide her, or lie to me about her, and we were already in the process of a divorce.
"He needs me." She says simply. "His wife can't provide for him like I can." She doesn't say so, but I know that Amber means sexually. I take a deep breath, thinking about all of the times Meredith has overshared information on her sex life. I wonder if Amber knows they're still having sex or if Derek is lying to her about them not having sex.
"I need you to leave him alone." I tell her. "Is he really worth failing your intern year over?" I ask her, trying to be gentle. "If you want to stay with the program you need to catch up with at least six months' worth of studying. If you don't start showing improvement, it's my job to recommend your expulsion from the program."
"I love him, true love is worth making sacrifices for."
"Do you want some advice?" I ask, and she just stares at me blankly. "I was married to him for years before Meredith married him. She got my sloppy seconds. By the time he got to you he's sloppy thirds. You can do so much better than that Amber." I say carefully. She looks up at me when I say her first name, there are tears in her eyes. "Find someone your own age who will treat you like their number one. You deserve to be so much more than someone's sidepiece, and I can help you become an amazing OB if that's really what you want. Dr. Shepherd, he's just putting a band aid over whatever is truly going on inside of you."
"Derek…"
"Dr. Shepherd." I correct her, she scowls at me and then continues.
"Dr. Shepherd loves me. He's going to leave her. He's just been under a lot of stress." She says. "This clinical trial we're working on together is groundbreaking."
"I'm sure it is." I say, ignoring the part about them being in love. Is this how he felt about Meredith? Or does what they're doing only feel good in the moment? I don't think it's true love, at least not a love that I've known. It's confusing. Derek and I were just young and stupid. Mark and I seemed to have a more natural progression. We were friends first and then we were lovers.
"You don't like me." She says, and I look up from where I was checking Peanut's vitals. "Dr. Grey Shepherd didn't like me very much either."
"What exactly did you expect?" I ask her. "You're screwing her husband."
"I'll try harder, I'll study harder, I'll do whatever you ask me to, but I can't break things off with him. He is my everything, he's my reason for getting up in the morning. He's, my life."
"If you don't break things off, I will report you, and you will be expelled from the program." I explain to her, clearly. "I'm trying to give you a chance, but it's not my job to like you. It's my job to teach you, and if you need someone else's husband to give you a life it's obvious you need a new life because the one you have isn't working out so well for you."
The girls and I are sitting in the entryway waiting for Meredith and Derek to come collect them. It's been a long day. Amber seems to want to make my life as inconvenient as possible and spread the word that I like the "Grey-Shepherd Brats". The interns Meredith paid to watch them have been finding more and more reasons to leave them with me when they're not with their teachers. They're not brats. They're not bad children. It's so plain that they're just starved for attention and will do anything to get it. I try not to mind having them around so much more frequently than I originally would have wanted. As long as it does not interfere with my job I don't mind too much. At least when I am watching them, they are not alone misbehaving and roaming the hospital. During one of my breaks today I ran over to the bookshop to get a cup of coffee from the attached shop. I picked up a copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We are just getting to the part where Charlie finds the golden ticket when Meredith and Derek find us.
"It's time to go girls." Derek says, I look up from the book, startled at his harsh tone. "Why are your things not ready? You know you're supposed to have your things ready when we come to collect you." Their schoolwork, pencils, and schoolbooks were scattered all over the table near where we are sitting. Meredith and Derek had taken so long that all of their homework for the evening has already been completed including French. Luckily Willow was able to help Oakley with hers. I do not know enough French to be of any help with that course.
"I'll get it." I say, getting up quickly, and beginning to put their things in their backpacks. "I'm sorry, when you still weren't here an hour after you said you'd be I distracted them with a story. All of their homework is completed."
"Leave it." He demands, so forcefully that I stop, looking at him shocked. This isn't the Derek I know; the Derek I was married to; the man I remember. I can count on one hand the amount of times Derek has used this tone with me, and it was usually because I was about to do something that I'd really regret. The one that immediately comes to mind is when I lost my first patient as an intern. I was so distraught that I was going to quit the program, he snapped me out of the depression I found myself in. Another time was after I lost Michael. He had no idea what was going on, or what had happened, but he was there for me. He helped me catch up and gave me motivation to keep going, and not quit. He must have changed so much in the last four years if this is the tone he is taking with his little girls on an average night. I haven't been around him a lot since I caught him in the on-call room with Amber. I haven't been around him a lot since I've been back if we're honest. Mostly I just see him in passing, or for consults.
"It is not your responsibility Addison. How do you expect them to learn anything if you insist on doing even the most basic of tasks for them?" He continues. I look from Meredith who has looked away, to the girls who are frozen, waiting to see how I respond.
"Are you okay?" I ask him, prudently. I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
"It's time to go girls, say goodnight to Aunt Addison." Derek says, ignoring me. His tone hasn't changed. He raises his eyebrows at them, and that gets them moving, they begin gathering their things from the table.
"I don't want to go! I want to stay with my Aunt Addison!" Oakley exclaims, bursting into tears, but throwing her papers and books half heartedly into her backpack all the same.
"Lets go. Now." Derek warns. Willow takes one look at her parents, and then quickly gathers her things, putting them all neatly into her backpack. She stands quietly, waiting.
"NO!" Oakley screams, stomping her foot. "We're reading a story! I want to hear more about Charlie!"
"Do what your Daddy says baby. We can read another chapter tomorrow during lunch." I tell her and look at Meredith concerned. Willow helps Oakley into her sweater, and hands her the backpack. I wonder how much Derek has been drinking. The smell of hard liquor seems to radiate from him.
"It's fine." Meredith mouths, catching my gaze. "I have his keys." She explains. My attention is drawn back to Oakley.
"It's time to go." Derek says harshly, this time to Oakley. She rushes to get the couple of things forgotten and shoves them in her backpack quickly. He looks at her so disgusted and takes her backpack, from her, dumping it out on the floor, shaking it so every last thing is out. "Is this how I taught you to put your things away? Papers all wrinkled? Pens and crayons loose in the bag, not even in their boxes? Your expensive doll you just had to have crammed in amongst the opened markers?"
"Derek that's ENOUGH." Meredith and I say, at the same time, and then I say. "This is fucking ridiculous. She's five. You told her to put her things in her backpack, she was putting her things in her backpack, if you wouldn't have been rushing her maybe she'd have had time to do it to your high standards."
"Aunt Addison please don't let them take me!" Oakley shrieks, oblivious to what just happened, fixated on the book on the table. She has wrapped herself around my leg like a Koala Bear, clinging to me so tightly. "I want to hear more of the story!" Her voice is raising with every single word. Derek comes closer to lift her up and take her from me, he grabs her hard, and she screams "DON'T TOUCH ME!" at the top of her lungs. I can feel her trembling against me. "I HATE YOU! DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU'RE A BAD PERSON DADDY!" He lets go as if she had suddenly turned into hot coal in his hands, and we both stumble backwards, and over into one of the chairs. I scoop her up into my arms, holding her tightly against me. Willow picks up the contents from Oakley's backpack, from the floor, putting them in the backpack correctly, and sitting it on the chair next to us. She is completely unphased by this. I wonder how often similar things have happened.
"What the hell was that?" I ask Derek. He glares from me, to Meredith, to the group of nosey onlookers who had gathered at the commotion to see what was going on. He ignores me and turns to Meredith.
"You wanted this child you deal with her." He says, harshly. "She isn't even my child, and you expect me to deal with her raging tantrums? If I wanted to deal with psychopathic redheads daily, I would have stayed with…" He seems to filter for a moment, glaring at me. "Forget it. I'm going home. I'll take an uber." He gives the onlookers such a look of pure hatred as he pushes past them and walks out the front doors. Meredith sits down next to us, looking from myself to crying little Oakley helplessly. Willow is the only one who has seemed to keep a level head. She unzips Oakley's backpack and takes out a doll.
"Here Oakley, snuggle Arshiya, she always makes you feel better. Daddy didn't mean to raise his voice. He's just drinking again. You know how Daddy gets when he's drunk. You didn't do anything wrong; Daddy just says things he doesn't mean when he's been drinking." Willow says, handing her little sister the doll. Oakley takes it and holds it tightly against us. I recognize it, well, the brand anyway. It's a bitty baby. Willow and Heavenly had similar ones. When Meredith and I found out we were having girls we went to the American Girl store and had a mini shopping spree on Bitty Babies and all of their accessories, we made it special. I am sure that Willow named the doll. The name Arshiya has an Indian origin and translates to Heavenly.
"I'm so sorry Addison." Meredith says, her face bright red, mortified. "He's having such a hard time with the clinical trials. They lost a patient today and just…" She says, but she trails off, unsure of what to say. There is no excuse for the situation that just happened.
"I'll take the girls tonight. You can go home and tend to Derek." I offer, she looks like she is considering it, but even if she wasn't there is no way I'm letting these children go home with him tonight. She is about to say something when Oakley interrupts her.
"Is that true?" She asks through her tears, looking up at her Mommy.
"Is what true baby?" Meredith asks.
"That my Daddy is not my Daddy?" She demands. Meredith and I look at each other. Willow looks like she is going to say something, but Meredith gives her a sharp look and she stays silent. She sighs dramatically and takes out her book from her bag. She's now on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. "This whole situation could have been avoided." She says, knowingly.
"What situation?" Oakley asks her, looking over my shoulder to where Willow is sitting.
"If Daddy would have just let you go home with Aunt Addison. We could have been home having dinner right now instead of dealing with your attitude problem."
"I do not have an attitude problem." Oakley shrieks. "Daddy is just a freaking meanie pants." She informs her sister. I know that was not what Willow was originally going to say, but she's covered well. How much stress has keeping my secret caused her? When I left Oakley with Meredith, I was so sure that it was the right move. Doubt is starting to creep in though. How much shit had I been given for drinking heavily, and now Derek is doing the same thing. How long has he been so harsh and borderline abusive towards her? How long has Derek been making Oakley feel like an outcast? How long has she felt like she doesn't belong? Rejected? Unloved? That is the exact opposite of what I wanted for her when I surrendered custody. All of the things I was terrified of her experiencing at my hands are coming true, but through the actions of another.
"Derek won't be happy if you take the girls." Meredith says, meekly.
"Do you really expect me to let them go with you after what just happened? That was abusive Meredith. If you don't want to go home, you can come too. We'll make it a girl's night." I offer.
"I asked you a question and you're ignoring me!" Oakley states. We both look at her. This is the first time I've been this close to her, held her for this long. I recognize the smell of strawberries lingering from her. I know that smell. It's the same shampoo, conditioner, and bubble bath I used for Heavenly. The dress on her doll has a vintage Strawberry Shortcake print to the fabric.
"Oakley sometimes people say things they don't mean when they've been drinking." I offer. "It doesn't mean there is any validity in what they've said." She looks at me so sadly, I know she is doubting everything. The seed is planted in her head now. So much for her not finding out. Meredith and I need some alone time to discuss next steps.
"We're just going to go home Addison, everything is fine. This is just a big misunderstanding." Meredith says, "We're all tired and…"
"No! I don't want to go home. I want to stay with Aunt Addison!" The tears that had subsided are now spilling over again. I look to Meredith, and she glares at me, annoyance growing.
"I have the girls tonight. You go home and settle things with Derek. They'll be fine. We're right next door. You don't want to take them home to that do you? Really?"
"Fine, just go." She says. She comes over to where we are sitting, and hugs Oakley tightly. "I love you Oakie Bear. Mommy will come by Aunt Addison's in a little while and drop off your pajamas, okay?" She turns to Willow. "I love you. Be good for Aunt Addison tonight, Okay? Help her with Oakley if she gets out of sorts."
"I will, you don't have to worry about me." She says, giving her mom a big hug. I stand up and help Oakley to her feet. Am I imagining it or does her hair look even more fierce when she is angry and upset? Just like mine does.
"Fine." Meredith says, aware that people are still lingering. "It sounds like the two of you get to have a sleepover then!" She says, trying to make her tone upbeat. The girl's moods lift significantly, and they dance around singing 'yay! Yay! A sleep over at Aunt Addison's! We're the luckiest kids ever! We'll have so much fun!'. The trouble with Derek forgotten, at least for now.
"We need to talk, once the girls are asleep." She says, and I agree.
"Yes, lets talk." I say, pulling her close and hugging her. "Everything's going to be okay, just come over later. We'll talk. Everything's going to be fine."
"She thinks that we're psychopaths who cannot take care of our children!" I hear Meredith scream from next door. There is a crash, and I know she threw something at him. They must be on the balcony. I usually cannot hear them arguing if they are inside the brownstone, even though we share walls. We had the window open letting in some fresh evening air. The fresh air is so much nicer than running the air conditioning. We are sitting in the kitchen eating our Chinese takeaway. We actually went to the restaurant on the way home, instead of waiting for delivery. I close the window, but I can still hear them fussing. When I am sure the girls are done eating, I suggest a movie night, and they excitedly agree. I take them into the cinema room and start the popcorn while they sit in the theater style leather seats and debate which movie to watch.
"Let's watch something happy." I suggest. "Today has had enough stress to be getting on with."
"This is mild compared to what they normally do. Let's watch Scream!" She suggests without a care in the world. It kills me that this is her normal, watching her parents go at each other.
"Scream is not kid appropriate, where have you seen Scream?"
"I know how to hack the parental controls." She admits. "It's so easy. Who uses their kids names and birthdays as their passwords? Our parents are lame."
"Okay." I say, making a mental note to bring this up with Meredith later. "We're defiantly not watching scream."
"It's not even scary!" Willow protests. "It's funny. The scary parts are so predictable that it's funny."
"Merida! Merida is happy! She turns her Mum and Brothers into bears! That's funny!" Oakley chimes in.
"It's not called Merida. It's called Brave." Willow corrects her in that typical bossy fashion that I've grown accustomed to. "How many times have we watched that dumb movie this week, and you don't even know it's name? Disney movies are for babies!" She says, meanly.
"Be quiet!" Oakley demands. "It's not dumb! It's a good movie!"
"But it's…"
"I don't care! The main character is Merida! I want to watch Merida!" Oakley argues back. "Aunt Addison make her be quiet!"
"No fighting or you're both going to bed." I tell them.
"We can't go to bed yet. Mummy hasn't come with our pajamas yet."
"I don't care. The two of you will behave or you will go to bed in the clothes you're wearing." They flop back in their seats and stop arguing. "From now on in this house the name of the movie is Brave Merida." I say. I serve them the popcorn and then scroll through the apple TV app until I find Brave. When it became apparent that they would be spending more time with me I bought all of the Disney and Pixar movies that we didn't already own on the app. I wanted to have something kid appropriate for them to watch while they're with me. The movie comes up on the screen and I push play. Oakley sits her popcorn on the coffee table and grabs a blanket from the basket in the corner. She climbs up onto my lap and pops her thumb into her mouth. She lays on me like this, still, watching the movie. We watch the movie in silence for a long while. When it is almost over Oakley looks up at me with those haunting blue eyes.
"Aunt Addison, can we sleep in The Girl's room tonight?" She asks me.
"In the guest bedroom?" I ask. I had converted Heavenly's bedroom into a complete fairy wonderland. I had a carpenter come in and create a bunk bed that looks like a fairy's home. The beds are complete with a spiraling slide coming down from the top bunk. All four walls are painted with different forest murals, and it is created to look like the light is shining down through the trees. The bedding is the woodland themed bedding Meredith bought in every size when we were at Pottery Barn Kids that day so long ago. I guess it is a good thing she insisted on buying two. The top and the bottom bunk match.
"That's not what I said." She pouts.
"She wants to sleep in Heavenly's room." Willow clarifies.
"The girl keeps saying she's my sister. She's been saying this for forever." Oakley informs me. "There are too many secrets. I hate this!" She says, dissolving into tears. "I hate this! Why can't you see the girl? Or Willow? Why only me?"
"Her name is Heavenly!" Willow explodes. "Not 'The Girl'. How many times do I have to tell you this?" She demands. I check my texts, and see that Meredith left the girls bags in the front entryway, and then went back home for a while longer.
"You sound like you've both had a long day." I tell them. The end credits are playing, and I turn the movie off. "Let's brush teeth and get ready for bed, your Mommy dropped off your things while we were watching the movie."
"Aunt Addison!" They whine in unison.
"Also why don't we call it your bedroom from now on instead of Heavenly's bedroom?" I suggest. I had after all created that space for them. They mope to the entrance way, grab their pajamas and take their bags upstairs to change. While they are changing and brushing their teeth, I read another chapter of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. They climb into the bunk beds, Willow on top, Oakley on the bottom and I tuck them in tightly, giving them each a kiss on the forehead.
"I don't want to sleep!" Oakley whines. I turn the white noise machine on and it plays forest sounds. The night light which projects tiny dots turns on. It makes the room look like it's filled with dancing rainbow fireflies.
"I'll see you in the morning girls, have a good sleep." I say, giving both of the girls another hug, and then leaving the room, cautious to leave the door open just a crack incase either are afraid of the dark.
Meredith comes back around eleven pm. She lets herself in and I offer her a glass of wine. She gratefully accepts, drinking most of it in one long swig. I don't drink often, not since I've stopped drinking, but I had the feeling she would need it and so I picked up a bottle. I have sparkling water in my glass. It doesn't quite hit the same.
"Are the girls alright?" She asks.
"They're fine. We had Chinese for dinner and watched a movie. They went to bed without a fuss."
"That's good." Meredith says. "What are we going to tell her?" She asks. I didn't want to start with this topic. I was hoping she'd want to talk about anything else first. "She's not likely to forget."
"Is Derek always like this?" I ask her.
"No. Like I said at the hospital, he lost another patient from the clinical trials today. He's having a hard time processing everything. This is the third patient lost this week."
"I'm sorry things aren't going well with the trial, but that doesn't give him the right to…"
"I know what you're getting at. He would never hurt us Addison."
"He doesn't have to be physically violent for it to cause damage." I say. "He can hurt you without laying a finger on you." She seems to ignore this as she takes a long drink from her glass and pours herself a second. "You always wanted to tell Oakley the truth. Is there a reason you didn't? I told you I was never coming back. You are her mother. What do you think she needs right now?"
"We need to tell her the truth. The full truth." Meredith says, and I am taken aback. It's not what I wanted her to say. I was hoping that she'd want to continue on with this lie that they've created.
"I didn't sign up for this Meredith. You were supposed to take care of her, protect her, not let your husband be a complete and total monster to her."
"You witnessed fifteen minutes of one day of their interactions. Addison I am so sorry you witnessed that. I'm sorry he scared you, but you have to understand that's not the reality that we live in. He is not normally that way with the girls."
"How am I supposed to know that?" I demand.
"Because you know him!" She counters. "You were married to him! You know he's not…" She cannot even say the word though. "We tell her the truth, and nothing will change. You don't have to do anything more than you're already doing."
"Everything will change!" I protest. "I'm not her mother, we are just going to confuse her, and what do we tell her about her father? It's crystal clear he wants nothing to do with this situation. Has he even contacted you since I left?" I ask, and she shakes her head. "I don't want to be anything more to the girls than I already am. This is too much, for everyone."
"Keeping this secret is hurting her Addison. She won't stop wondering why she's different. She's been questioning her identity from the time she was a toddler and realized that she has red hair and nobody else does."
"She asked me to dye her hair black like mine today." I say, remembering the conversation we had earlier with a little chuckle.
"You said no I hope."
"I told her that her Mommy and Daddy would kill me."
"You're right about that." She says. "What's holding you back? Is what you witnessed today making you question your decision to give her to us?" She asks me, and I bite my bottom lip, trying to put all of the thoughts in my head into one comprehensive sentence.
"When he dumped her backpack out… in that moment if I could have murdered him, I would have." I admit. My heart racing as I think back to the events of just a few hours before. "The girls are not even phased by any of this. Doesn't that bother you?" I ask her. "I'm afraid."
"The girls are resilient. They will be okay Addison. We live in America; I don't know a single family whose children haven't witnessed their parents arguing. What are you afraid of?"
"What if she wants more when she realizes who I am?" I ask. "What if you're lying, and this isn't a one-off situation? What if Derek doesn't get his shit together and I want more?" I swear to God Meredith. I saw red tonight."
"Addison, you know me." She says, forcing me to look at her. "If the girls were in danger there is not a chance on this earth that I'd still be here with them. We'll cross the bridge of the rest when we get there. I think we should start with the basics for right now. She grew in your tummy, but you were very sick. You gave her to her Daddy and I to adopt and raise as our own because we could keep her safe."
"Do you think she felt very safe tonight when a grown man yelled at her and dumped her school supplies on the ground?" I ask her.
"Addison… you're blowing this way out of proportion." She says, and I pour myself a glass of wine in the glass that previously held my water. She eyes me suspiciously when I take a drink it tastes weird, sour in my mouth after going so long without I've grown unaccustomed to the taste.
"I wish there was a way to do this without me being involved." I say, miserably. "Derek needs to keep his mouth shut when he's been drinking." I say "Because now I'm involved, and I cannot just uninvolved myself with this process. She was never supposed to know Meredith." I say, accusingly.
"I don't see how you could be uninvolved in this process." Meredith says, "You're the one who made her. She deserves to know at least that portion of the truth."
"I'm just worried." I say. "I don't want to relapse, being here is already a lot more than I anticipated."
"Yet you're drinking." She says. I had taken several more drinks in that short amount of time, not caring that she was watching. I look at the glass in my hand and realize that it's trembling. I stand up, pour it in the kitchen sink, get a bottle of water, and then return to my seat. "That right there proves that you're not going to relapse. You did the work Addison." Meredith says gently. "The old Addison would have said fuck it and finished the bottle, but you didn't even finish a glass. You're better now. You need to trust in yourself a little bit more." Would I have had the strength to throw the wine away if she hadn't said something? I don't know.
"I don't feel better. You're right, things really are the same."
"No. No they're not. I'm here, everything's going to be okay."
"I'm so scared Meredith." I confess.
"You're an adult and you're having trouble processing these feelings. How do you think your daughter feels right now? She's only five, and she just found out the man who raised her isn't her father. She must be devastated."
"She's not my daughter."
"She will always be your daughter, us adopting her didn't change where she came from."
"I know, I know." I say, getting what she means. "I just don't want to hurt her more."
"I should have gone with my gut instinct and told her the truth from the beginning. I just…" She pauses. "I wanted to honor your wishes for as long as humanly possible."
"Derek is a slovenly drunk. This is on him, not you." I say, annoyed.
"He probably won't even remember this in the morning." She groans. "This is a lot sooner than I wanted to have this conversation, but we need to do this together. We are both her mothers, and we need to be a united front for her. We started this lie together; we should end it together."
"What will you do if she's disappointed? If she hates me? Or if she's even more infatuated with me than she already seems to be?"
"She cannot possibly hate you anymore than I know you already hate yourself for leaving her and then coming back to find us in this trainwreck of an existence. You gave her up in the hopes that she would land in a happy, stable family and instead of coming back to that you walked into a dumpster fire." She rubs her temples. "You've moved on, you're healed and now we're the ones stuck."
"I didn't move on." I admit. "I'm just overly medicated so I can function."
"Well, you're coping better than you were so that's something." I smile when she says this, but I feel sad at the same time. It took years to get to the place I am at today with my mental health. It took running away and working as a humanitarian in a war zone and intense tragedy to get me through the darkest time in my life. It took so much time.
"Come over in the morning." I tell her. "This news isn't going to go over well. She deserves one more good night's sleep before her entire world changes."
"Tomorrow it is then." She says, looking so sad, so frightened.
"We don't have to do this Meredith." I remind her. "We could wait it out, chalk it up to Derek being drunk and not knowing what he's talking about."
"We've waited long enough. She deserves to know the truth. This lie is just too heavy to carry anymore." Meredith says, she leans over resting her head on my shoulder as the weight of what is about to come hits her and the tears fall.
"It's going to be okay." I say.
"Nothing's okay." She corrects me. "Not anymore."
Authors Note:
Thank you to everyone who is reading Feels Like Home. Please REVIEW! :)