Feels Like Home
Chapter 4
Authors Note: I put the meanings of the French words in (….) for the readers sake, but obviously Addison would not know what they're saying as she does not speak French in this story.
Anticipating a certain amount of kick back and instability from Oakley today Meredith and I both took the day off of work. We decided it would be best to spend the day with the girls. She asked Derek if he wanted to be here this morning, and apparently, he does remember some of last night because he said he was busy. He also said that we buried ourselves in this lie, we need to find a way to dig ourselves out. I didn't hear him say this. Meredith texted me early this morning and my heart broke when I read the text. How long has he felt resentment towards this little girl? My phone dings, and I look down. Meredith texting saying she'll be late, and a rundown of what happened. Apparently when he told her that she punched him hard in the mouth, breaking his lip. He called the police and so they've spent the morning filling out reports and talking with them. Derek was just wasting our time, as well as the time of the fine officers of the NYPD who responded to the call. He did not even file the police report or charges, after all of that he stated that he 'changed his mind' claiming that his injuries were 'accidental'. He just doesn't want Meredith going to jail. He'd have to look after the girls on his own.
"Hip Hip hooray! No school today!" Oakley and Willow sing as they skip down the stairs. It's a three-day weekend, and despite still having homework to do they are thrilled to be off of official lessons for a few days.
"Where's Mummy?" Oakley asks. "You said that she'd be here when we wake up in the morning."
"She had a few things to do, first, she'll be here soon." I say, and then "Did you both finish the rest of your homework?" When I went to check on them this morning, they were already awake and working in their workbooks. I look on the calendar trying to figure out exactly what holiday it is. Nothing is listed. I ask the girls and they don't know either. It must be teacher in-service day or something.
"Yes!" Willow says proudly. "I finished it before I came down." Willow rambles off something in French.
"Vos devoirs sont-ils terminés?" (Is your homework done?) and Oakley mumbles back in French "Non. Les mathématiques et la phonétique sont d'horribles monstres. Ils devraient mourir." (No. Mathematics and Phonics are horrible monsters. They should die.)
"English please." I request. "I need to be able to understand what you're saying."
"Oh." Willow says. "Sorry. I forgot. Mommy, Daddy, and our teachers speak both English and French when speaking to us. Oakley still has phonics and math's to do. She finished the rest though."
"Tattle Tale!" Oakley shrieks, her face turning as red as her hair. She narrows her eyes at her sister and almost hisses the next French word. "Sale Cafard!" (Dirty Cockroach) that must have been highly offensive at least to a ten-year-old because Willow frowned at her and said. "You're not supposed to say that! That's a nasty insult! I should tell Mommy what you called me!"
"That's enough arguing girls."
"But she called me a…" Willow stops thinking hard. She sits down in the kitchen chair, looking defeated. "Actually, I'm not sure what it translates to in English. It's some kind of an insect. It's not nice."
"That's fine. I don't need to know." I say. "Oakley, we need to be kind with our words from now on in both English and French. It hurts Willow's feelings when you call her names."
"My feelings aren't hurt; she's just being rude!" Willow corrects me, defensively.
"What would the two of you like for breakfast?" I ask them, changing the subject. "We could make eggs and bacon, or pancakes, or cereal, maybe breakfast sandwiches." I offer. I had the housekeeper stock the fridge and pantry with groceries. I have been trying to eat from home more and eat out less. Oakley wrinkles her nose up at the box of cereal sitting on the counter.
"What does organic mean?"
"It means it is made with ingredients that are safer, and healthier for growing children." I say, looking at the box with a frown and the one sitting next to it. Coco Bunnies and Fruity Bunnies. I put 'healthy kids food' on the list but I wasn't very specific. These are the organic equivalent to Trix and CocoPuffs. I guess since I eat mostly only organic food, she assumed I held the children to the same standard. This is the same brand we used to buy all the time when we had Heavenly. It's in a kid friendly box.
"That's not the right rabbit." Oakley says, narrowing her eyes at the box suspiciously, "This isn't Trix. Mommy buys the red box with the white rabbit and the rainbow cereal on it. You're really healthy." She observes. "You're not trying to trick us into eating vegetables, or something are you?" She asks, and I read the ingredients on the rainbow cereal.
"No, they're made out of oats, like oatmeal."
"How do they get their colors then?" She drills me and I check again.
"The colors are pigments from plants, but it's not the vegetable itself Oakley, just the coloring." I must sound like I am getting annoyed with her because Willow quickly intervenes.
"This kind is good!" She chimes in. "Heavenly and I used to eat this all the time when we were little. Mommy just doesn't buy it anymore because she is too lazy to go to Whole Foods or Trader Joes and shops at Walmart too much."
"Oh." Oakley says, considering it carefully. "Okay I'll try it then!" She agrees, suddenly thinking she is getting a treat. I pour them each a bowl with some organic milk and hand them spoons. While they eat I text Meredith to see what's going on and how much longer she'll be.
"Be there in half an hour. Please make coffee. We're going to need it." Was her response. I put a pot of coffee on to brew.
"What time do we have to be at the hospital?" Willow asks. "It seems kind of late. The sun is already up." She says, I notice she's not wearing her watch, she must have put it to charge.
"I forgot to tell you; we don't have to go in today." I say, and she looks at me confused.
"For the whole day?!" She asks, eyes wide with excitement. "Can we go to the aquarium or the zoo? Oh Oh! Maybe the playpark with the huge slides down the street with the ducks or American Girl? Lanie is the Girl Of The Year this year and Mommy promised me we could go get her, and her book collection on her next day off."
"I don't want An American Girl." Oakley says, annoyed. "I already have a dolly."
"Bitty baby came out with a new line of outfits and accessories! You could get your baby the cool new stroller and bathtub oh and I saw in the catalog they sent there is a mobile now to go over her crib!"
"Today we need to have an important talk with Oakley, but maybe later we can do something fun. Your Mommy and I took the day off so we can spend the entire day with both of you." I have a looming suspicion that nobody will be up to having much fun after this discussion, but I don't want to spoil her excitement. It is so rare either of her parents have enough time off.
"The American Girl store is more fun!" Willow informs me. "Lanie is my age! She lives in Cambridge Massachusetts. She likes science, and nature. She wats to become an expert scientist and explore the jungles of Aisa."
"Can't your Mommy buy it for you online?" I ask her. I open my laptop and search for the web address, clicking, and the page comes right up, showing a blonde-haired doll with a green and blue top on their front page. "Your Mommy and I really need to talk to Oakley today. If you behave while we do that I will purchase this doll for you."
"And her books and accessories?" Willow asks, eyes wide, considering if it's a good deal or not.
"Yeah."
"Me too me too!" Oakley says! She navigates the screen like an expert, adding several bitty baby outfits, books, and accessories to the cart. "Why do we have to talk anyway? Is this about who my real daddy is?" She asks, mouth full of cereal.
"Let's wait until your Mommy gets here."
"That's not fair. She's taking forever!" She says, swallowing her cereal. "We're always waiting for something. Having parents who are doctors always means waiting for something."
"Is this about the thing that happened when Oakley was a baby that I'm not supposed to talk about?" Willow asks, and I nod my head at her.
"What happened when I was a baby?" Oakley demands.
"Is your Mommy here yet?" I ask her, before Willow can respond. She pouts and shakes her head no. "Your Mommy and I felt it would be better if everyone was on the same page. You're both big girls now, right?" I ask, and they nod. "I'm five!" Oakley says proudly. "I'll be six soon, on my birthday! Will you come to my birthday party? We're going to Adventureland. I'm big enough to ride a lot of the rides now! I grew two whole inches this year."
"Sure, if you want me too." I agree.
"Do I really have to be a part of this conversation?" Willow asks, I shrug. "I'm reading Harry Potter to Heavenly. I started over at book one and she really seems to be into it so far! I think she'd be a Gryffindor. She's brave." She says excitedly, and then realizes she said something she's not supposed to and quickly changes her story. "I mean, I'm practicing reading aloud. My teacher says I need to practice so I gain confidence in reading aloud. I would like to go upstairs and practice." I want to believe that the thing the girls are seeing is a figment of their imaginations, but too many strange things have happened, before I left, and since I've been home. I feel sad thinking of her. Sad thinking of these children who are so deprived of attention they're convinced that they're seeing something that clearly isn't real.
"Willow have you been taking your medication?" I ask her.
"Yes." She snaps, annoyed. I don't believe her though. She finishes eating and puts her bowl and spoon in the sink. Oakley does the same, and they offer to wash them, but I tell them that can wait until later.
"I want to go play too! Can I go play too?" Oakley asks. "I want to play with the girl, with Heavenly. Last night we played on the slide and on the swing in the bedroom together. She is so much fun to play with. She's not chronically grumpy like Willow is."
"I thought you wanted to know why you have red hair and don't look like your parents?" I ask her, at the same time as Willow says:
"Don't let Mommy catch you saying that! She'll make you take nasty medication like I have to take, and then you won't be able to see Heavenly anymore. She'll disappear."
"I'll always be able to see her!" Oakley retorts. "She's, my friend! She'd never disappear!"
"That's what I thought too." Willow mumbles.
"What does Heavenly look like?" I ask them. I take out a notebook and a pencil. I had taken up drawing and painting during inpatient treatment and it's something that I still enjoy doing in my limited downtime.
"Is she a big kid or a little kid?" I ask them.
"Big kid!" They exclaim, with Oakley adding. "She's the same tall as Willow." With her advanced speech and vocabulary, I sometimes forget she is only five until she messes up something grammatically like saying same tall instead of same height.
"Okay." I say, jotting that down. "Does she have curly hair or straight hair?" I ask.
"Curly! Her hair is curly like mine, but it's a few shades lighter, more of a strawberry blonde!" Oakley answers, and I make a note. "She is strong and kind. She pushes me on the swing. I don't know how to push myself on the swing yet."
"What color are her eyes?"
"Blue!"
"What kind of clothes does she like?" I ask. "What colors?"
"She likes to look trendy." Willow says. "She wears stuff like I wear, though she likes more greens and blues, where as I like pinks and purples." I find this interesting and write it down. I don't know how Ghosts can change their clothing. "She's thin like I am too." Willow adds.
"Anything else you'd like me to know?" They think for a few minutes, and then shake their head "No."
"I'm going to make something for ya'll." I say, after taking a few more notes.
"Ooh what?" Oakley asks, excitedly.
"It'll be a surprise." I say. "A lovely surprise. We need something to look forward to don't we?"
"Yeah." They agree.
"Can I go now?" Willow asks.
"You can go read your book, or play if you want, but you need to get into day clothes, and comb your hair." I say, and she nods, running through the kitchen and up the stairs. Oakley starts after her, but I catch her in my arms, spinning her around. She giggles. "You wait just a second little miss." I tell her. "Your Mommy is going to be here soon, and we need to talk to you." Her curly hair is a tangled mess, wild all over the place. There are several mats, either from not brushing properly or from her tossing around in her sleep I can't tell which. "Go get dressed and I'll do your hair for you."
"I hate having my hair brushed! Mummy pulls too much!" She objects.
"It shouldn't be so long then." I say, her hair is so long that even with the curls it goes down past her shoulders. I am amazed that the weight of her hair hasn't worked out the curls.
"Mummy says if I cut it off with scissors, I'm in trouble."
"I have special fairy detangler with fairy dust in it." I offer her. "Do you want to see?" The word fairy catches her interest. "Magical fairy dust like in the bedroom?" She asks.
"Yeah." I say. We go upstairs to where she had thrown the bag that Meredith brought. I hear Willow giggling and holding a one-sided conversation, talking about Harry Potter and reading the words from one of her books in the bedroom. Oakley grabs her clothing bag, and then goes to the bathroom to change. When she comes out, she looks adorable in Gymboree. She is wearing a floral print shirt, with matching knee-high socks, a denim skirt with a fox embroidery on it and a orange cardigan.
"You look very sophisticated." I tell her.
"Lets get this over with before my Mummy gets here." She says, sliding on her dark brown boots with matching fox and flowers on them. She hands me a handful of matching clips and hair ties. I smile at her, and then wet her hair down, once it is wet, I put a child safe leave in conditioner in, and a curl cream. I brush through all of the curls slowly until she is knot free, and the curls spiral on their own.
"I thought you said you have fairy conditioner?" She asks.
"I do, just wait." I say. I carefully part her hair and braid it into two long French braids going down her back. She sits very still and talks about what we've read so far in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while I work. She asks if we can watch the movie together, but I tell her we need to finish the book first.
"This is annoying, are you done yet?" She asks.
"Just one second." I show her the bottle of fairy detangler and she smiles.
"Can I spray it in?" She asks.
"I have to do it; we don't want it to get in your eyes."
"I am not a baby! I'm five!" She protests.
"I know just hold on, and be still, close your eyes." She had started dancing around and wiggling. I put the hair tie in, securing the last braid and then I spray in the conditioning hairspray when she's done as I asked and closed her eyes. I reach under the bathroom sink and get the spice shaker I always kept under there for when doing Heavenly and Willow's hair and sprinkle in some extra rainbow glitter. I add an additional layer of conditioning hairspray so that the glitter doesn't fall off all over the place. I smile looking at the result and add the clips her Mommy sent.
"Okay." I say, closing the bathroom door so she can look at the mirror on the back. "You can look now." She walks over to the mirror, slowly examining herself.
"Woah!" She says. "I really do look like a fairy, and my red hair already makes me a princess so now I am a fairy princess!" She exclaims, spinning in circles and giggling.
"You are beautiful."
"I am the fairest of them all!"
Willow hears us giggling in the bathroom and comes in to see what we're up to. She had changed out of her pajamas and into her day clothes. She is wearing a pair of jeans with the same flowers on them as Oakley's outfit on the ankles. Her shirt is white with the word "Happy" written on it, with flowers scattered around the word. Her cardigan is plumb, and instead of boots she's wearing matching slip-on flats. Meredith really does go for the head-to-toe look.
"Can you do my hair too Aunt Addison?" She asks, handing me several clips and hair ties similar, but not the same to the ones Oakley has in her hair.
"Of course." I say. "Would you like fairy glitter?"
"Naturally. All of the best Princess's are wearing fairy glitter these days!"
Meredith arrives about an hour later. Willow went back to reading her book after I did her hair. Oakley and I managed to finish math. Seriously? Fractions? She's five! We were just finishing up her phonics worksheet which almost had her to the point of tears, she knows the answers, but hates the work involved. When Meredith comes in she stops the act and quickly (and messily) scribbles in the last few answers and then gets up, running to her Mommy and giving her a big hug.
"Mummy I missed you!"
"Did you have fun?" She asks. "You look very put together today."
"Aunt Addison put FAIRY DUST in my hair!" Oakley exclaims.
"I see that."
"It washes out." I say quickly, not sure if she remembers. "I'm sorry I should have asked first, but she just woke up with messy hair and then Willow wanted hers done as well. They're both braided and fairy dusted."
"It's okay. She looks great." Meredith says, smiling down at Oakley who is rambling off all of the fun things we did last night, and then this morning. "Did Aunt Addison tell you that we need to have a very important conversation with you today?" Meredith asks.
"Yes Ma'am." Oakley says. "I would rather be upstairs playing though, or outside. If you have the whole day off, can we go to the playpark? We haven't fed the ducks in forever. I miss having a Nanny. We went to the playpark every day when we had a Nanny." She pouts, persuasively, trying to change the subject.
"You've had a lot of questions lately." She says. "Lets sit down and talk, maybe after we talk, we can go do something fun together with Aunt Addison. "We go downstairs, and I pour Meredith and myself a cup of coffee. I add a little milk and then make my way to the Livingroom where they are now. I hand Meredith a cup and keep the other one for myself. I take a drink of the hot liquid, coughing a little. It's too hot.
"Fine." Oakley mumbles. She sits down across from me and her mom on the coordinating love seat. "Don't forget you promised we could do something fun later on." Oakley says to Meredith, and she nods.
"When we're done here."
"I'm sorry I was mean to Daddy. I just wanted to come play." She says, automatically. She doesn't look very sorry, and it makes me wonder how many times this has really happened. From how terrified the interns are of these little girls you'd thing they've been running them ragged for years now.
"You should apologize to your father, but this isn't about what you said last night."
"What is it about then?" Oakley whines. "If we go to the park in the evening the ducks will be gone. It's too cool by the pond in the evening. They are Muscovy ducks. Muscovy ducks prefer to sleep on the land, not in the water like other ducks."
"Your Daddy shouldn't have said what he did to you last night."
"Daddy is always rude when he's drunk, this is nothing new." Oakley says, unphased.
"There is truth to what he said though." She explains, Oakley looks up, confused.
"What?"
"When you were a teeny tiny baby we adopted you." Meredith says, bluntly. Oakley looks from her mother to me, confused and I cough, nearly choking on my coffee. I want to jab Meredith in the ribs with my elbow. She could have eased into things a bit smoother, but no. Typical Meredith style. She doesn't filter very well.
"What does adopt mean?" We haven't learned that vocabulary word in school yet." Oakley asks cautiously, suddenly serious. Her mood changed when she realized how serious her mother and I are taking this.
"Adopt means that you didn't grow in Mummy's tummy like Willow did. You grew in Mummy's heart instead. When you were a teeny baby, your biological Mommy gave you to us. She was very brave, and she asked us to keep you safe when she couldn't. Mommy and Daddy raised you from the time you were a baby, and we filed paperwork with a judge saying that we love you, and we want you to be our little girl forever."
"It's impossible for a baby to grow in a heart." Oakley declares looking at her mother crossly. I don't even know how much of the rest of Meredith's explanation she's taken in. She looks like she's been caught up on this one, minor detail. "Babies grow in their Mummy's tummy that's the only place! If a baby grows outside of the Mommy's tummy it's an ectopic pregnancy and the baby has to be removed or the place the baby is growing will explode and the Mommy will die."
"Right, baby it's just an expression." Meredith clarifies. "It just means that we loved you from even before you were officially ours." Oakley looks at us, freakishly calm, and a chill runs down my spine.
"Who is my biological Mommy then? Whose tummy did I grow in?" She asks, and I look to Meredith. I have been going over and over this conversation in my head since the moment I gave her up for adoption. Suddenly my mind has gone blank now that the time is here.
"Oakley baby, come here." I say gently. She comes over to me and sits on the coffee table In front of me. I struggle to find the words. I know there is nothing I can say to her that will make this alright. I hate myself for forcing Meredith to lie to her. Will she ever forgive me? I look at her for a long while before I speak again.
"Oakley, you came from my tummy, but that doesn't make me your Mommy." I finally say. "Your Mommy is the person who raised you. The person who has been there for you everyday since you were born." I say looking from her, over to Meredith.
"Why?" She demands, so harshly.
"Sweetheart I didn't have a choice." I say, quietly. "When you were in my tummy, I was very sick, I didn't start getting better until after you were born, and I moved away." She looks at me with a mixture of shock and horror.
"Heavenly told me that you were my real Mommy! I didn't believe her. I told her to stop lying to me, and after that she was mad at me and wouldn't play with me for two whole weeks!" Oakley screams, tears falling. "You lied to me! You told me you were my Aunt Addison! It can't be you! I liked you! I trusted you!" She moves backward so quickly that she has to catch herself, so she doesn't topple over the other side.
"Oakley…" Meredith starts.
"No! Mummy you lied to me too! You always say it's bad to lie, but you lied to me."
"That is not the same thing."
"Why not?" Oakley fires back.
"Honey…" Meredith says. "Your Aunt Addison was very sick. You are a little miracle. It's a miracle you survived the pregnancy. It's a miracle you survived the birth. It's a miracle that your Aunt Addison loved you enough to give you to us. She gave us the most precious gift one human can give another."
"You don't treat me like a gift, or a miracle." Oakley practically spits at Meredith, and then she turns to me. "Why did you throw me away? You tell me you love me everytime you see me, but your actions are not matching your words!" She exclaims. "You don't throw away the people that you love!" She looks at me distastefully, and I look to Meredith helpless. She looks as heartbroken and lost as I feel. I don't know what I was expecting. We are shattering this little girl's world. I wasn't expecting this though. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought that she'd be happy to just know the truth.
"Oakley when you were born, I was so sick. I was addicted to doing dangerous things that hurt me. Things that could have hurt you." I don't know how to tell her what happened without going into details far beyond her years. "After Heavenly died I couldn't even take care of myself. Your Mommy stayed here and took care of me. I couldn't take care of you the way you needed to be cared for."
"My Daddy says addiction is a choice not an illness!" Oakley says, her voice uneven and patchy. I can see she's trying desperately to keep her composure. "Daddy says that it's not an illness and the person just has to want to stop doing bad things."
"Your Daddy is very smart, but unfortunately it is not that simple."
"Are you a bad person?" She asks, harshly. She's crying now and I want nothing more than to scoop her up into my arms and comfort her, but I just can't. "Daddy says only bad people have addictions. Only bad people throw their babies away." Has he told her this? Or has she overheard Meredith and Derek arguing?
"Do you think I am a bad person?" I ask her gently.
"I don't know." She says. "You did a bad thing." I must look like I am about to cry because Meredith squeezes my hand tightly and cuts in.
"Aunt Addison gave you the very best chance you could have at a good life. Sometimes good people get so caught up that they accidentally do hurtful or bad things. I don't think what Aunt Addison did is a bad thing though. She kept you safe from the things that could have hurt you. That doesn't make her a bad person."
"I didn't throw you away. Oakley I would never throw you away." I tell her. "I gave you to your Mommy and Daddy because I knew they wanted you. I knew that they would love you so much, that they would keep you safe. I knew that you would have a good life with them."
"You didn't want me though?" She clarifies. I know I should be sympathetic and empathetic towards her. I understand that she's going through a lot, and that this will take some time to process. I've had enough though. I can feel myself getting frustrated with her. I grab her by the upper arms, not hard enough to hurt her, but enough to get her attention.
"Addison don't, you were right, this is too much for her." Meredith says, and I ignore this, careful to keep holding Oakley in a way that won't hurt her. I'm not being forceful, but she stands there, still, and doesn't move. I ask her to look at me. She doesn't at first, and I gently repeat my instructions. "Oakley look at me." She shakes her head, hard.
"Je ne sais pas quoi croire." She mumbles, looking over to Meredith, blinking hard, trying to get the tears to stop. I look over to Meredith questioningly.
"She said I don't know what to believe." Meredith translates. "Oakley, we're telling the truth." Meredith tells her gently. "No more lies, no more secrets. La verité. (The truth)." Oakley seems to accept this coming from her mother. She relaxes a little bit, she had started wiggling, but she stops again, standing still.
"Très bien, mais seulement si c'est vraiment la vérité cette fois-ci." (All right, but only if it's really the truth this time.) Oakley says to Meredith, and Meredith nods, looking relieved, but doesn't translate.
"Oakley I almost died. When you were inside of my tummy, I was so sick that I almost died more than once." I say. "When you were born, I was so sick that I could barely take care of you. If you would have stayed with me, you would have died. Heavenly died, and I couldn't let you die too." I say, shaking my head at her, hot tears falling down my cheeks. "No matter what kind of life you've had with your parents it's better than being dead right? When you die it's forever."
"It's not forever!" Oakley protests. "Heavenly is still here!" She screams at me, too mad to care that her mother is right there and listening.
"It's all in your imagination." I say gently. "Heavenly isn't real baby. Heavenly died when she was very young. She is in Heaven." The whole talk about Heavenly has been wearing me down. Chipping away at me little by little. It's a double edge sword. I feel like I'm crumbling. "She's not here."
"YES, SHE IS!" Oakley screams, so loudly, her entire body trembling. "She is NOT imaginary!" There is snot coming down her nose. I let go of her and hand her a tissue. She wipes her nose messily and drops the used tissue on the coffee table.
"That's enough." Meredith says firmly. "Oakley, I know this information is a shock to you, but I've had just about enough of this behavior." Her voice is calm and soothing which only enrages Oakley more.
"Why?" She demands. "I'm not the one who's lying. She just came down the stairs, she's standing right there." Oakley says, pointing to the empty doorway leading to the empty kitchen from the Livingroom. Oakley's face wrinkles up at the spot. "That's not very nice!" She says, and then turns to her mother and I again. "Heavenly says 'I told you so.' And that I should have believed her when she told me in the first place. If I believed her, it wouldn't have come as such a shock." Oakley purses her lips, frowning at the doorway.
"This was a bad idea. It's too much for her to take in." Meredith says again. Oakley watches the doorway for several moments more, and in that time, we see her physically calming herself down.
"I never wanted her to know. This was your idea." I remind Meredith quietly. "You said she was ready."
Oakley comes closer to me again, and pulls on my blouse, getting my attention.
"Heavenly says that you're sorry. Are you sorry?"
"I'm sorry I hurt you." I say, trying to think through my words carefully. "I won't apologize for putting your needs first Oakley. I won't apologize for giving you your best shot baby. I just can't. You are absolutely amazing. You are smart and loving and friendly. You have a great life."
"Are you sorry you gave me away?" She asks, same question different approach.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed." I tell her. "I am very grateful that I can be here now though."
"What if you were all I needed?" She asks. "What if we just needed each other, and then you wouldn't have been sickly anymore."
"Come here." I say, sitting down on the couch in a more comfortable position. I pull her into my lap, cradling her like a baby. She resists at first, but then lays her head on my chest. Listening to my heartbeat like she used to all of those years ago when she was a baby.
"I love you Oakley. I love you and that's never going to change. Your Mommy and Daddy love you too. You are such a lucky little girl to have so many people who love you."
"Are you going to be my new Mommy now?" She asks, curling my dark hair around her fingers. At the words 'New Mommy' Meredith starts crying. "Am I to live here now?" She asks, I look from her, back to her Mom and then make sure she is watching me when I shake my head 'no.'
"I am your Aunt Addison baby. You will always be welcome here, but I'm not your Mommy. I will never take you away from your Mommy and Daddy."
"You just said you're…" She looks so confused.
"I'm your Aunt Addison." I repeat. "You came from my tummy; but you are not mine. You belong with your Mommy and Daddy. They've given you a good life. Where you came from is irrelevant. I will always be your Aunt Addison."
"If you're my real Mommy who's my real Daddy? My mommy told me that it takes a Mommy and a Daddy to make a baby." She says looking up at me, her eyes red and puffy from crying. "Mommy and Daddy gave us the talk about where babies come from when I was three. There was a baby in Mommy's tummy. He's in Heaven though. He was born too early, and his lungs were underdeveloped so he couldn't breathe well." She says, and my heart, if possible, breaks even more. I turn my attention to Meredith who is sitting silently, tears streaming down her cheeks. I know that look. She's numb. She's broken hearted. She hasn't told me, or anyone else about losing the baby. I am guessing for the same reason I don't tell anyone who doesn't already know about Michael or Heavenly. It hurts too much. When people ask me if I have children or if I want children, I always say no. It is so much easier to avoid the conversation all together than to escape it when you've already been sucked in.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't know." I tell them. Meredith nods, and Oakley just shrugs. She sits up and faces me. "Who is it? Why didn't my daddy want me either? Was he sick too?"
"He was just…." I want to say stupid, but that isn't really accurate. He was hurting just as much as I was, he just channeled that hurt differently. "He is a doctor. I was married to him for almost six years. He's Heavenly's daddy as well. When Heavenly died I got really sick. I couldn't cope well and we ended up getting a divorce when you were just a baby." I tell her the truth, minus the whole part about him being a cheating man whore who guilted me into giving birth to her and then took off. "He is married to someone else now. They have three little children together." I say. I saw them the other day at the hospital, but he didn't seem me. I lurked in the shadows, just watching. My heart wasn't prepared for seeing him so happy, so immersed into this new life. He was carrying a little boy with blonde curly hair on his shoulders the same way he used to carry Heavenly. She is pushing two toddlers in a stroller. They look like they're maybe one or so. They were chattering happily about what their weekend plans were, and how they were going to the Zoo on Saturday to visit the animals. The little one on his shoulders roared loudly like a tiger, causing his parents to laugh.
"Will I get to meet them? Will the children come play with me?" She asks. She looks so sad.
"That's up to him, it's up to your Mommy and Daddy to work that out, not me."
"I hate this." She says, finally.
"Me too baby, Me too."…
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading chapter 4 of Feels Like Home! Please Review! As of 3/27/2022 chapter 5 is about 50%-60% completed. I should be able to get it posted within the next week or so, maybe less time. Chapters 1-4 have been completely re-written with new scenes added, and expansion on some current scenes.