~ Chapter 5: Something Real ~

I don't know if you actually want to know this, but I feel like I need to get it out. I wouldn't have been particularly thrilled to hear you talk about how you got together with your ex, but it's part of my life that you need to understand. If I don't tell you, then you're not really getting a picture of who I am and that's the whole point of this, right? In order for you to understand me, you need to know what I put Derek through.

Derek and I met that first day of school when he walked into class nearly twenty minutes late. We weren't doing anything; just messing around and making up lyrics to go along with tunes other people were playing. I'd expected it to be like every other class I'd ever been in, but it was more like how my classes at the guitar studio had been.

Mr. Garibaldi let us do whatever we wanted as long as we weren't sitting around and staring at the wall – that was his direct quote. We all wanted to be playing, so he didn't have to worry about us doing nothing. He occasionally interjected with a suggestion or critique, but mostly, he stayed quiet and let us do our thing.

My classmates had been uncertain about me until I started playing and, just like that, it didn't matter that I was only a freshman. That felt really great. Maybe my life was a complete mess, but for an hour, I thought maybe I could forget about that and play guitar with a bunch of people that were just as good at it as I was.

Derek had two cups of coffee when he got there, and he told our teacher that he wasn't late as if coffee was enough to bribe him. He wasn't wrong. Mr. Garibaldi took off the lid before he took a sip. Then he agreed that Derek wasn't late.

Derek didn't notice me until then. "Did you get lost? The preschool's on the other side of the building." That was the very first thing he said to me.

It's not really surprising that it wasn't love at first sight, is it? I don't think he meant it to come across as rude as it did; he just had a particular sense of humor. Once we got together, he worked on it because he knew how much it got to me.

At the time, it made me so mad; he didn't even know me. I glared at him and told him I was supposed to be there. I tried to sound confident but felt like an imposter.

He turned to Mr. Garibaldi and asked him if they were outsourcing from the elementary school. Which, you know, that felt great.

Mr. Garibaldi told him I auditioned and earned my spot which felt pretty good. I got a little bit of satisfaction from knowing that he was on my side.

Luke, another kid in the class, told Derek I wasn't bad. Derek just kind of grunted like the possibility that I could play was so utterly ridiculous. I guess I didn't look like a guitar player, but also what does a guitar player look like?

Mr. Garibaldi suggested I play the song we'd been working on before Derek got to class. I wasn't sure I wanted to. It wasn't that I was worried about not being good enough; I'm really good at guitar, and I know it, but I hated the idea that I needed to prove myself to some guy that couldn't even bother to show up for class on time.

Then Derek, real sarcastically, was like, "let's see what you've got."

I felt really uncomfortable as if I was taking a test I hadn't known to study for. I had a feeling that playing guitar wasn't enough to pass the test, but I wasn't sure what Derek was looking for.

I took a deep breath and played. I didn't let myself look at Derek or anyone else. I closed my eyes and simply played. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: guitar made me feel better than anything and like I was more than myself. If I could play through the night, I probably wouldn't have started to drink, but it was too loud, and my parents complained about "that noise" enough as it was.

I don't remember choosing to sing, but I obviously did because my voice carried on after my last note did. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Derek staring at me like he couldn't believe I'd been the one playing. He shook my hand and introduced himself to me.

Just like that, we started over. It wasn't really an enemies to lovers story because he let go of whatever first impression he'd had of me right away, and we moved on like it had never happened.

Playing with Derek every morning was kind of amazing. Derek started showing up for school on time which Mr. Garibaldi relentlessly made fun of him for. I didn't realize at the time that he was making fun of Derek because he was on time almost specifically so we could play together. Derek would tell me that after we got together; he said he figured out pretty early on that I wasn't straight, but he didn't know where I was in my process – the answer was not very far, in case you were wondering. He was out but because I only saw him in the mornings, I wouldn't know for a while. Not until mid-October when Luke told Derek that he had a hot, single cousin who was looking to get over his ex-boyfriend. Once I found out, everything changed.

Being around Derek was hard and easy at the same time because here was a guy that was out and proud, he was cute, and I liked him. He was living a life I desperately wished I was brave enough to live. When I was with him, I almost forgot why I needed to be straight.

I remember the exact day I realized I was crushing on Derek. It was when I turned 16. He walked into class with coffee and a donut for me. He wanted to make sure I celebrated it right. Mr. Garibaldi insisted on a birthday picture, and I remember that Derek held the pose where he was hugging me while we waited for Mr. Garibaldi to figure out Derek's phone to take the picture. I'd been with a lot of guys in some way or another by that point, but none of them made me feel like he did. When he let me go, I just wanted to be back in his embrace.

He put a candle in the doughnut and actually lit it. I wish you could've heard Mr. Garibaldi. He was pissed. "Derek! This is a place of learning, not a fireplace!"

Derek told me to make a wish, and I didn't know what to wish for. My life felt inevitable; like it was simultaneously as good and as bad as it could possibly get. I had no idea that 16 would be such a roller coaster. I know 16 was crazy for you, Victor, but crazy doesn't begin to describe my year. I'm not saying it's a competition because it's not. Maybe that's what's really inevitable. That we all have years that change and shape our lives.

A couple of weeks later, Derek asked me if I'd audition for his band. Their guitar player broke her hand on Thanksgiving and would be out for a couple of months at least. I agreed and, obviously, I got the spot. Their old guitar player never came back. I honestly can't even remember her name because Derek only mentioned it the one time.

Three months of playing together every single morning had been enough for me to crush on him hard, but it didn't compare to what happened when we had practice on top of that.

Band practice happened four days a week and if you thought that my limited time would get in the way of my dating life… you couldn't be further from the truth. Being in a band only seemed to make most girls like me more.

I can't even begin to explain how much I hated myself. It felt like an endless cycle. I dated girls because I hated that I was gay; I did stuff with guys because it made me feel better than doing stuff with girls; I drank to forget how messed up all the aforementioned things were; I'd wake up hating myself and wanting… wanting things to be different but not wanting to change anything to make them different. Then, I'd repeat.

There was no end in sight until April. We had a day off of school because the senior prank got out of hand. Derek hadn't been part of it and didn't even know exactly what had gone down, but there were rumors about livestock in the school.

He texted me that morning after we got the call. I assumed we'd be hanging out with our bandmates, but when he showed up to pick me up, it was just him, and we didn't make any other stops. He told me to bring my guitar.

I have no idea where he took me. Somewhere with trees and rocks that we had to hike to. It wasn't too much hiking; we just went far enough that we were truly alone. He'd brought sandwiches and blankets and water and snacks. We each found a spot and talked and played. That was my first time talking to anyone like that. We talked about our favorite foods, our dreams, our fears, whether Mr. Garibaldi was ever going to shave the nose hair that was literally almost touching his lip (he still hasn't touched the thing).

We played together, our music blending in a way that felt like fate. When Derek tossed a goldfish in my mouth, it dawned on me that we were kind of on a date. I'd been on dates before and none of them had ever been like that one; none of them compared to how amazing that day had been.

When Derek told me we should be getting home, I kissed him because I needed to know. I needed to know if he really was different or if I was deluding myself.

He was different. It could be because I actually knew him beforehand or maybe it was because it was one of the first times that I liked someone and was attracted to that same someone, but whatever the reason was, I knew that I'd found the feeling I'd been chasing. The missing piece.

It all shattered when he told me to stop; he actually pushed me away.

I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. It couldn't have been the actual kiss. I am very good at kissing. You can attest to that. It's not something I'm proud of because I really do hate that the only reason that I'm good at it is that I had so much practice, but I know how to make someone feel good.

That left one possibility – he didn't want me to kiss him.

I figured everything about this had pointed to his interest. I could have been reading all the signs wrong but then why were we all alone in the middle of the woods on what could only be described as a date? Why had we crossed the line into flirty territory within minutes of arriving? He laid all the breadcrumbs. Hadn't I just followed them to him?

I told him I thought he wanted this.

He told me I was missing the point. He wasn't looking for a hookup, and he'd heard enough about me to know I wasn't looking for anything real. He wasn't wrong. I hadn't been looking for anything real because I didn't know what "real" was. I think in a lot of ways, I'd been trying to find real, and the closest I'd ever gotten to it was kissing him.

Despite that, I told him I could be looking for something real. With him, I could almost picture it. I didn't want to lose him, and I figured it might be worth it. I liked him more than I'd ever liked anyone else, so maybe it was time to start to face the possibility that I might not be able to outrun that I was gay. I still didn't want to be gay, but it was hard to remember that when I was with him.

He actually scoffed at me and asked me who I was dating this week. It was Alison and I'd been with her over two months, thank you very much. I definitely deserved the reputation I'd built for myself, but I also didn't deserve it. The truth was far messier than I was willing to acknowledge.

I told him that I could break up with her and that I really liked him. "I feel different when I'm with you." That's what I said to him, and I don't think he understood how significant that was because it was true. I did feel different when I was with Derek, and it felt like the exact thing I'd been trying to avoid could happen with him. It was scary, but it left me wanting more.

Derek studied me for a long time before he told me he liked me too. I swear, it was the first time I remembered feeling that genuinely happy. No guy had ever said that to me before; I'd never heard the words "I really like you" from someone I was interested in before. Some of the girls I dated probably had said that to me but that didn't mean anything. Saying them to Derek was the first time I'd said them too, and it was making me feel all kinds of things. Then he gave me an ultimatum: if I wanted to be with him, I needed to stop doing what I was doing with everyone else. I needed to break up with Alison and stop with the other guys.

No one was supposed to know about the other guys, but he somehow did. Maybe he just suspected. When I asked him how he knew, he just shrugged, and we never talked about it again.

He told me I didn't need to come out which was about as far from my thoughts as it possibly could be. I couldn't imagine telling anyone about me; I couldn't even think the word "gay" much less say it out loud.

I thought it would be too much for me. If he told me I needed to come out, we would've ended before we even started. Instead, he told me that if I was going to date him, I needed to date just him.

I liked him enough that I agreed.

You see, Derek gave me something I didn't know I needed. I wasn't in love with him, but I did love him. Things weren't easy, but they felt better than anything had up to that point, so I figured they were the best they could be. He was worth it. He was worth facing myself and giving up meaningless nights with guys.

It's funny because I loved talking to him that first day, but we kind of stopped talking after that. Why talk when we could kiss? Don't make that face. We went through that phase too. The difference was that when you and I weren't kissing, we were getting to know each other. With Derek, even when we were going on dates or hanging out, we didn't talk much. We mostly enjoyed being together.

I fell in love with dating in those early days. I think it's when I started to become a bit of a romantic because it was the first time I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship and wasn't just doing it because I thought I should. It made me happy to make him happy.

I realized I liked surprising him. It was always small things. Short notes that I'd slip him at practice, making him dinner, getting him coffee first period. He did stuff for me too. I know I probably made it seem like he didn't have a romantic bone in his body, but he did. He just expressed romance differently. I think we had serious compatibility issues that both of us were pretending didn't exist, but I always knew Derek liked being with me because of the things he did and said. Derek made me feel totally safe in a way that I'd never known before.

I was also entirely unprepared for how much I would like being with only him. I was clearly built to be in a monogamous relationship, and it is pretty embarrassing that it took me that long to realize it.

That summer… was the absolute best. Derek's parents are happily divorced (that wasn't the good part), and his mom was always with her boyfriend, so most days we had his house to ourselves (that was the good part).

I owe Derek so much. He was the first guy that seemed to care about how I felt when we were together. Sex wasn't just about him; it was about us, and he wanted to make sure that what we did together felt good for both of us.

After my accident, things started to go wrong for us, but I still felt like I owed him. He didn't break up with me after I did the worst thing I've ever done in my life. He saw who I was and how messed up I was, and he liked me anyway. It's not his fault that things went wrong between us. I was bad for him from the very beginning. I was afraid to talk to him because it felt like enough that he wanted to be with me despite everything I put him through.

From the beginning, I set us up to fail. I never planned to come out. It wasn't like I thought I was building toward that while we were dating. We'd been together over three months and all I wanted was for him to continue to be my secret because it felt like the perfect arrangement… for me. I didn't think about how much it sucked for him to be out and to have to hide such an important part of his life. We didn't have to hide from his family; I lost that battle pretty early on, but our friends and my parents? Not a chance. He respected that I needed to be ready to come out to them, but I doubt that made it less frustrating.

I wouldn't really know because our fights were short lived before we channeled our frustration with each other into something more physical. I think it's the same thing I tried to do with you. Sex felt so much better than fighting.

Then, in August, Derek planned for me to meet his family. His dad, half-sister, and mom all met us at this restaurant. He introduced me to them as his boyfriend. I'd had girlfriends, and I was sure they'd referred to me as their boyfriend, but this was the first time I'd been introduced as someone's boyfriend; I wasn't ready for it. I thought it would be something we'd talk about and decide on together. Kind of like how you and I did it.

Derek didn't think anything of it. It was like the assumption was that we were boyfriends and, after almost four months, yeah, it was probably the natural progression of things. I was still blindsided. I never asked him about it. At no point in the next nine months we'd be together, would I bring up how weird and terrified that made me feel. I still don't know why it freaked me out so much. I think I wasn't ready to own that he was my boyfriend because that made it so real.

We had this long dinner with his parents. It was kind of a big deal because his parents wanted to make sure I knew that they had gotten together for dinner specifically to meet me and that they'd barely seen each other since the divorce. Derek had told me all about the shitshow that his parents were before the divorce, and I put all this pressure on myself because of that. Because even if I didn't want to be gay, here I was meeting his parents and trying to make them like me. I felt like I was reaching these huge milestones before I was fully on board with wanting to reach those milestones.

I had no idea what I was doing. When Derek drove me back to his house so I could get my car, I felt like an idiot. Everything that had seemed charming during dinner suddenly seemed cocky. Every joke that I thought landed seemed to fall flat. I'd been too clingy with Derek or too disaffected. I couldn't turn off those thoughts and I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd screwed up everything. If his parents hated me, would he even still want to be with me?

I obviously wasn't actually ready to be in a relationship with Derek at that point but, other than when I was drinking, being with him was the only time I felt stable and cared for; I couldn't fathom losing him, and I still had so much other shit I needed to deal with.

Mostly, the drinking. When we started dating, I gave up the girls and the other guys, but I didn't give up the drinking. I couldn't. I needed alcohol like I needed air.

I really liked Derek, and I spent so much time trying to convince myself that that was enough. He was never good for me, but he was good to me, at least in the beginning. He taught me how to like someone in the right way and what it felt like to have like me in the right way. When things with him were good, they were the best, but when they were bad, I couldn't handle it and we had a lot of really low lows. It kind of goes with the territory when Derek was dating someone that desperately didn't want to be gay and was regularly drinking because he hated the life he was living.

I want to say that was the biggest mistake I've ever made, starting a relationship with Derek when I was still in a relationship with alcohol, but it doesn't hold a candle to what comes next.

That night, I couldn't drink enough fast enough and the more I felt, the less I wanted to feel. That was the night that would change my life forever because, just a few hours later, I would total my dad's car and end up in the hospital.