~ Chapter 10: Your Door Opened ~
Things were different once I knew I liked you. I was in denial about it, of course. I told myself that it didn't matter that I liked you. That's what I had to tell myself because I couldn't tell myself I didn't like you; I'd effectively ruined any chance of that, and you kept creeping into my subconscious (which was pretty rude of you, Vic), so it was impossible to run away from that truth. Your door didn't so much open as it was blasted open in a way that made it impossible to close.
Since I couldn't convince myself that my feelings didn't exist, I did the only thing I could: I told myself it absolutely couldn't happen and therefore, it didn't mean anything. It felt unrealistic to think that I'd never be attracted to another guy when I was only seventeen, but I was with Derek, and I was still trying to find a way to be happy with him. Really happy, I mean. The kind of happy I felt with you.
Because you have to understand that as much as you redefined what it meant for me to happy, so did Derek. When I first met him, I thought that was happiness because it was so much better than I felt when I wasn't with him. Maybe after we go to college, I'll find a new level of happiness again that comes from finally being away from my parents and Creekwood. I don't know. All I know is that Derek was with me when I was in the darkest place of my life, and he was by my side as I started to pull myself out. We may have fought a lot, but he's a big part of the reason I got out, and I didn't want to lose him.
Even if being around you felt better, I couldn't deny that Derek was a huge part of me. I still miss him, you know. I don't think I ever told you that because how do you tell your current boyfriend that you miss your ex-boyfriend? We were together almost thirteen months, and I wish that we'd found a way to be friends because I think we probably would have been better friends than boyfriends. Sometimes, I'm really sad that I didn't meet you first because maybe he'd still be in my life if I had. Then again, if I met you right away, I don't think I'd ever have gotten to this point where I could tell you the whole truth about who I am, so I guess it all happened for a reason.
I told myself the only reason I liked you was because I couldn't be with you. You were just genuinely nice and really sweet and frustratingly attractive. We spent a lot of time together, and it was natural for me to like someone I spent that much time with. I made all of my excuses for why I had feelings for you.
I also made excuses for why that didn't matter. If I flirted, it was harmless because nothing could ever happen. If you flirted, it was just because you were oblivious and didn't realize what you were doing – I'm still pretty sure that wasn't just an excuse I told myself. If I started to dream about you instead of Derek, it was only because I saw you at school and at work, and of course, I was going to dream about the things and people I was around during the day.
I was a dumbass who actually convinced myself I was right about all of those things. I gave myself a set of rules, just like I had with the drinking, and I broke most of them almost immediately. Rule 1: don't flirt. That one was a lost cause; to be fair, most of them were but that one in particular. I couldn't make it a few minutes. It was like I couldn't turn it off. I mean, I tried, and it just didn't work because everything I said to you was naturally flirty. It was the only way I knew how to talk to you.
It's a really good thing you're as oblivious as you are because I had a few really close calls.
For example, Winter Spirit Week. I don't know why it's called the winter one when it happened in April, but they recognized all the winter sport athletes for… uh… sporting, I guess. You were freaking out about flip flop day. It used to be gender bender day, but they changed it after the fall pep rally my freshman year in their attempt to be more inclusive… because obviously, that was all it took to fix that particular problem – we can just go ahead and check off that box.
The actual dress up day had a different name, but it was still the same as it had always been, and once you stopped complaining about the fact that it was a thing, you got really self-conscious about the tradition where most of the male athletes dressed up as cheerleaders. You said you didn't think you could pull of a short skirt and, instantly, I knew it this was going to be the best flip flop day ever.
I asked you if you had your uniform yet, and you did. In your Brasstown locker, in fact because you'd gotten it during practice. Once I knew that, it was over. I couldn't convince you to try it on in the back room when we were closing, though I really tried. You were not into my idea of a fashion show, but you did at least hold it up in front of yourself.
You told me you were going to look ridiculous, and I told you that you'd at least look cute too. I almost started to panic because I wasn't supposed to say or think things like that; it was literally the first rule I'd created to keep a handle on how drastically and rapidly I was complicating my love life.
You didn't think anything of my slip up. Maybe you were too freaked out thinking about how you were going to have to wear that outfit to school on Monday. I was looking forward to it, and it didn't disappoint. I think that was the first time I was remotely excited for spirit week… look at me showing school spirit for you.
You're probably wishing that that was the only time you missed my blatant flirting and… you'd be very wrong. I know you're sensitive about how oblivious you are, but I really liked it before we started dating… and after we started dating… and always; I've always liked it. When we were dating and I pointed it out, you always made a really cute face that led to us kissing and eventually led to us doing other stuff. I used to think you didn't notice because you were innocent, and I guess there's a fine line between innocent and oblivious. I learned pretty quickly that you… are not innocent. It was something that shocked me because it was so unexpected, but I loved it.
Before we started dating, it was really convenient because it didn't feel as bad. If you didn't realize I was flirting, it was almost like I wasn't doing anything wrong. I definitely was, don't get me wrong. I wasn't cheating on a technicality but that doesn't mean it was okay.
I wish I could explain why I held on to Derek so tightly. I'm really not sure. I was way happier with you, and I think part of me didn't think I deserved to be as happy as I was with you after everything I'd done.
It also scared the hell out of me. With Derek, even fighting as much as we did wasn't too bad because I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. I think it was so much easier to be with someone like him because the bad parts didn't hurt as much.
The bad parts with you… they've always hurt. Our first fight was way worse than my worst fight with Derek. I'm not even talking about the ones we had when we were together because a lot of those were pretty bad. No, I'm talking about the one we had after your birthday. It was such a small fight; you probably don't remember it, but I'll never forget it.
You came into work that Monday with that annoying smile that makes it impossible not to smile back, and you asked me if I got Derek home in time or if I was dating a pumpkin. It took me almost a minute to understand that you were talking about the joke I made before I left because it felt like it had been a thousand years ago. Then you looked at me nervously and asked if we could talk more about what happened at your party.
It instantly put me on edge because you didn't know this, but I ended up ditching Derek that night to go hang out with Lucy. I had a bad night… a really bad night. Derek didn't understand why I wanted to drink; he thought it should be as easy as just not drinking. I don't think Lucy fully understood it but that didn't stop her from being my safe space. I never felt like Lucy judged me and that's all I felt when I was with Derek. Most of the time, I didn't say anything to him because it wasn't worth feeling worse on top of already feeling bad, but I wanted to drink so badly that night. I was afraid that if I didn't tell him, I would do it, and as much as I wanted to, I really didn't want to.
Derek made it about him. He told me that he was struggling with what happened at your party too, and just once, he wished that everything didn't have to be about me and my drinking problem. It was like being punched. I needed to get away from him, so I left, but I didn't make it to Lucy's. I got about halfway there before everything from my day hit me and I had an anxiety attack.
When I was getting sober, I had a ton of anxiety attacks. Part of it was the withdrawal and part of it was that I suddenly had to deal with everything I was feeling without drinking until I couldn't feel it anymore, but they were terrifying every time. The first couple of times they happened, I thought I was dying. I had trouble breathing and got dizzy and that wasn't the worst part. I would always feel this complete certainty that I had irreparably broken myself and that I would never be more than my worst self. I never told anyone about them because I had no idea what was happening, and I didn't need another reason for people to worry about me. They happened almost every day in the beginning, but they started to get better and only happened a couple of times a month by then, so it didn't seem worth it to bring it up.
They always came on quickly and I usually tried to make them go away by pretending that they weren't happening. Weirdly, sometimes that worked. It did not work that night, and it got so bad I couldn't keep walking. I called Lucy because some woman said she was going to call an ambulance and telling Lucy about what was happening was the lesser of two evils.
After that, and because Lucy told me I had to, I told Hank, and I found out that anxiety attacks weren't all that abnormal. Apparently, alcohol impacts the part of the brain that makes people feel anxiety and depression and it makes us more susceptible to both of them.
So, me using alcohol to manage my anxiety and depression only made them worse. Hank said that's why it's such a tough cycle to break. When I was sober, all the bad feelings could get in. So, I drank. But drinking made all the bad stuff worse. I'd been sober for four months and that was the very first time someone described it like that.
That night wasn't my last anxiety attack, but it was the last time I felt that scared during one. Understanding why they were happening helped a lot. At the time, though, I had no idea what was happening to me. I didn't even realize it was an anxiety attack. I thought I was having a heart attack or something. That's really what it felt like. I could literally hear my heart beating in my ears, but it didn't drown out the rest of the world, if that makes sense. It's like I was still aware of everything else and that made it all that much more overwhelming.
I was aware of how terrified I was, how dizzy I felt, how tight my chest was, how it felt like I was choking on air, how the sidewalk somehow got closer and then suddenly I was sitting down, how this woman stopped and talked to me like I was two. I know she was trying to help, but I was mostly embarrassed that she was calling attention to me. I also couldn't stop thinking about my fight with Derek or what your grandparents had said or about everything I'd ever done wrong in my life.
Lucy came to get me and was pissed. At first, I thought she was mad at me, but she wasn't. She had some very… colorful choice words to describe Derek. She thought it was all his fault. Well, to be fair, she also thought it was your fault. She thought you should've warned me about your grandparents, but why would you have? You didn't know they were going to say that stuff. Lucy thought you still should have given me a heads up. She said her expectation wasn't that you were psychic but that you let your gay friend know when they're going to meet your homophobic grandparents. I think she called it common courtesy.
I didn't blame you at all, and I wasn't even still mad that you tried to pretend that Derek and I weren't together. It was so incredibly awkward to stand in the kitchen and listen to that… what do you even call it? Your impromptu family meeting? I don't know what you want to call it, but I understood why you didn't want that to happen. I was upset with Derek and myself way more than I was upset with you.
What I heard from Derek during our fight was that I was a problem, and I couldn't shake the feeling that he was right. I was sure that I was just this huge inconvenience in his life and, eventually, he'd realize how much better off he'd be without me. That quickly escalated to how much of an inconvenience I was to everyone in my life and how I couldn't do anything right. It was so intense, and all I wanted was to make it go away. I needed it to go away, and I knew I used to have a very effective means of making it go away.
The thing is, when I want to drink, it's not just like a desire, if that makes sense. Like, it's not something I want; it feels like something I need. It's kind of like my whole world revolves around it, and I feel like I can't keep going without it. Not drinking feels like agony and the whole time my brain is simultaneously telling me why I'm not enough to fight it and why I shouldn't be strong enough to fight it.
When you walked into work on Monday, I was still coming back from how impossibly hard it had been to not drink all weekend. I was still on edge from my anxiety attack, though meeting with Hank the day before had helped. I was terrified that Derek was right and that I was too much of a problem for him to keep dating. I was frustrated with your grandparents for trying to cling to a different way of life. I was feeling a lot of things, and all I wanted was for us to have a normal shift together because our normal shifts had a way of making everything a little better.
I had… I have an inability to say no to you, so when you asked if we could talk about it, I agreed. And then you told me everything. You told me about what your mom did and why you had been so scared that one fight could break what little was holding your family together. For a few minutes, I felt like you trusted me with this really intense secret and that was incredible.
You apologized for not telling me before your party and said something about how I was a really great friend and that you'd been scared I wouldn't come if I knew. I was on a cloud Victor. I was higher than a cloud. It was like you made everything okay. And I know that was too much pressure to put on you without you even knowing but that's really how I felt.
Our whole shift, I rode that high. And then Mia called you, and I slammed back down to Earth. You only talked to her for a minute because you were working, but you told her that you missed her and that you couldn't wait to see her at school. It inexplicably made me jealous. Not as jealous as when I asked you how things were going with her, and you told me she was officially your girlfriend.
Looking back, that's definitely why I got mad because it hurt even though I had no right to be upset by that. I didn't know it was jealousy at the time. I snapped at you and told you that you weren't supposed to be on your phone at work. You got confused. It was understandable because my anger probably looked like it came out of nowhere. You tried to stay calm at first, but you're not the most level-headed person, and suddenly we were going back and forth. I don't even remember what we were saying to each other in the beginning. I just remember how I was this horrible mix of scared, angry, and jealous, and all I wanted was for it to end.
After a few minutes, I played the Assistant Manager card and told you that you couldn't talk to me like that. You told me that you could talk to me however you wanted because we were working the same crappy afterschool job. I just wanted us to stop fighting, so I told you to go clean off the tables. You said you already had, which was true, but it only pissed me off more. I told you if you didn't want to work, you should just leave, and you did.
It made sense. Why would you want to stay when I was being an absolute dick to you? I started to spiral. You were one of the few people that I loved being around, and I'd pushed you away. I didn't know what was going to happen next. Was that it? Were we not gonna be friends anymore? Were we going to be awkward and grumpy around each other at work? I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, but you walking out on me hurt so much more than I expected. I didn't know how to make this better or make it right without telling you the truth, and the truth wasn't an option.
Then you came back.
It didn't totally fix everything, but I can't begin to express what it meant that you walked back in. You said you didn't know what you said or if this was about what you'd put me through on Saturday, but you were so sorry.
I had a ton of practice apologizing but that was one of the first times that I'd received a genuine apology, and I was kind of unprepared for how nice it would feel. We… talked it out which was also brand new to me.
I told you that I had fought with Derek after your party. I let you believe it was because of your party and not because I wanted to drink. I justified it to myself because I did want to drink because of what happened, and I wasn't ready for you to know, but I told you a little about how hard it was to be out sometimes, and how I felt about what had happen.
Your grandparents had been on a loop in my head since your party. I still remember exactly what they said. Boys kissing boys instead of girls. This is not the world we grew up in. It seems like everything that matters to us is disappearing. I realized when I heard them why it had been so hard for you to admit that you had gay friends at your party. Once I told you that, it seemed like you really understood why I was upset. I'd never been around family that felt like that before. All of my family, even if they're weird about it sometimes, are okay with me being gay. I didn't know your grandparents, and it sucked to hear that.
I should have told you that the only thing that made it better was what you said. I'm not gonna tell them not to be who they are if that bothers you. That's your problem, not theirs and not mine. I was feeling all kinds of things because of that. You stood up for me when it would have been way easier to smooth things over with your family, and I know how hard that was for you, but I never said thank you. I was grateful that you chose me. Truly.
You ended up missing curfew just so we could sit and talk, and do you remember what you said before you left? "No one should ever make you feel bad for being who you are because you are one of the greatest guys I know. I'm sorry I didn't remember that on Saturday."
Things were good between us for a long time. We felt into a comfortable cycle of flirting and denial that kept both of us satisfied. I kept pretending my flirting didn't mean anything, and I tried not to read too much into you flirting back.
We got to know each other in a totally different way. It was like we were more than the big stuff. I loved learning that you like to knock on door frames when you enter a room, that you will drink any coffee but prefer it black, that you never had to have braces (the world is unfair), that you wanted to be an electrician when you were younger because that's what your dad does and he was your favorite person, that you are so fiercely protective of your siblings, that you're freaked out by the fuzz on peaches and raspberries. Everything I learned about you made me fall for you just a little bit more. I didn't know that stuff about Derek. Just like he knew the big stuff about me, I knew the big stuff about him, and I didn't realize how special the small stuff was.
The night of my anniversary with Derek, you randomly showed up at Brasstown. We shouldn't have been there. I should have been with Derek at that concert he was so excited about. You should have been with Mia.
Neither of us were where we "should" have been, and I think that meant we were exactly where we needed to be. I mean, what were the odds that you'd walk into Brasstown at the exact moment when I was questioning whether I really wanted to be with Derek? What were the odds that you could turn a shitty night into one of my favorite nights?
We made foam art all night. You had the genius idea of latte Pictionary which might be the greatest idea you've ever had. It was somewhere in between the blob you called bananas and my artistic version of a car you insisted was a tree that we started to talk. You asked me why I wasn't with Derek; I told you our anniversary hadn't gone according to plan because he hadn't found my romantic night to be all that romantic. I asked you why you weren't with Mia, and you told me that you freaked out. You said you weren't ready to be with her like that.
We both said that we were terrified that our relationships would end, and we sat down on the floor behind the counter. We didn't need to talk. Just sitting with you and being with you felt so comfortable, and I think you felt the same way. No one called to look for us, Derek didn't text me to ask where I was, Mia didn't check in with you.
We just sat there until almost midnight. You told me that you hoped things would work out between me and Derek; I said I hoped things would work out between you and Mia. I think we were both telling the truth, but part of me also hoped that we were wrong. I liked you so much that I wanted you to be happy, and if you were happy with Mia… great. For a few minutes, I let myself consider what would happen if Derek and Mia weren't in the picture, and I can't describe how much I wanted that.
Then you pointed out that we needed clean up or Sarah would probably fire both of us. We reached for the same cup at the same time and when our hands touched, I didn't pull back. For a second, you didn't either. I thought about kissing you… I really broke all of the rules that night, so I figured what was one more? I always wondered if you knew or if you'd felt the same thing I had that night.
I wouldn't have done it and obviously, I didn't, but I really wanted to. It scared me; you scared me. I still made the decision not to do anything about it because I was living in my fantasy world where it didn't mean anything.
You stayed with me until Derek texted me that he was home, and I went from Brasstown to his place. I tried talking to him about how I felt about our anniversary. I didn't tell him about you or what had happened at Brasstown because my second rule had been not talk about you. I think I was scared people would pick up on it… I couldn't help myself most of the time, but I was careful about it when I was with Derek. He probably would have realized because, according to Lucy, I was obvious.
I told him that I wanted anniversaries to be something that we celebrated, and he said that he hadn't realized that because I never told him. His exact words had been, "I'm not a mind reader." In all honesty, that was a fair point. We should have talked about it, but I told him we never really talked about anything. He immediately brushed me off and told me that we talked. And, just like that, we were done talking. All I wanted was to be back in Brasstown with you.
Then Willacoochee happened.
It was another thing that never should have happened. The idea of road tripping with Sarah was a nightmare, but I also really wanted to go with you. I wanted to have an excuse to be around you outside of work and not have to think about Derek or Mia.
I ignored Derek's call on our way to Willacoochee because another rule had been to not talk to Derek in front of you. I created that rule after your birthday because I didn't like choosing you over him, and I didn't want to be put in that position again. Part of me was also worried that you would notice that I wasn't happy with Derek anymore, and you were the last person that should know that.
We had so much fun in Willacoochee. From that place we went to for lunch with the French fries that looked like they were ready to walk off our plate to the thrift store to walking around that tiny patch of grass you insisted Google called a park while we waited for our dinner to be ready to pick up before we went to our motel room.
It was the best right up until you saw my license. My first thought was of what convincing lie I could throw your way. I was really going to, but I suddenly wanted you to know the truth. I'd never lied to you as long as I knew you and that meant something. My whole life had been about secrets and lies, but it never had to be about that with you. Aside from the obvious secret that I was crushing on you hard, I didn't feel like I had to hide myself around you. You were my fresh start from who I used to be, and I realized I wanted you to know this, but I wanted you to know it on my terms.
With you, I felt like I had a right to my story until I was ready to tell it to you. I could tell you about it the way I wanted to because you weren't learning about it as my story was unfolding.
I didn't want you to think of me as an alcoholic. I wanted to be able to tell you that I made a mistake, and I wanted you to see I was better now. That's exactly what happened when I told you, and I was so scared that if I told you more, that would change. That's why I never told you about AA. It's not a good excuse, but I loved that you saw me as more than my accident, and I knew it would all go away once you knew everything.
Despite knowing about my accident, you kissed me. When I pushed you away, I wasn't upset with you. Well… I was a little. I had a boyfriend and you kissed me anyway and, yeah, that made me mad. Mostly, I was upset with myself because I felt something. I felt the exact thing I'd convinced myself I wouldn't feel once you weren't just a fantasy living inside my head.
If I didn't feel something, I would have followed you out into the hallway; I would have talked to you about what happened; I probably would have been able to let go of it; I would have been able to be your friend.
I couldn't be your friend in that moment because all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss you again. And how, until I realized exactly what was happening, it felt so right. It felt like exactly what I'd been waiting for.
I knew it was partially my fault. Had I subconsciously been sending you the signals I thought I was repressing? Did ignoring Derek's call make you think we were having problems? Had you just followed the trail I'd been paving since you started working at Brasstown? Or was I looking into it too much because I knew there was something to look into?
When we got back from Willacoochee, I was in a panic. What was the right thing to do? I couldn't tell Derek, and I didn't want to give you up, but I didn't see any way around it. It was obviously too dangerous to just be your friend. I talked to Sarah and told her that we'd fought in Willacoochee, and I didn't feel like we could keep working together; she'd talked to a few other locations and found one I could transfer to. It felt like a step in the right direction. When I told you that I needed to be away from you, it wasn't because I didn't trust you. It was because I didn't trust me.
I didn't have any answers. I only had questions, and this launched what Lucy calls the Great Derek Debate of 2020. I wish I was joking. The Great Derek Debate was Lucy and Hank's argument about what I should do after you kissed me.
When I told Lucy what happened, she was fully on your team. She never really liked Derek. She tried to like him after she found out we were dating, but back when she thought he was just my bandmate, she hated him. She thought you were better for me. She didn't know you well, but she told me I was always happier after being with you, and she was right.
Hank felt the opposite. He thought I was running away from Derek because it would be easier to be with someone who didn't know about what I'd done. When he found out that I'd told you about my accident, he looked like I told him I designed a space shuttle. He was thrilled, but he was still team Derek. He said it was nice that I could construct my narrative with you because I got to pick and choose what parts of me you knew, but I couldn't choose you just because you were easier and convenient. He encouraged me to tell Derek about what happened in Willacoochee and to figure out how we could move forward together.
It was funny because I felt like Lucy and Hank were arguing with each other through me. They both felt very differently about what happened in Willacoochee. Lucy thought it was wildly romantic that you couldn't hold yourself back, and she was sure you regretted cheating. Hank thought it was a betrayal of the trust I put in you. When I told him what Lucy said, he said cheating was never romantic. Lucy agreed with him but added that it was the heat of the moment. She said it didn't make it okay but that if I felt something, I felt something and maybe it happened for a reason. Hank said maybe that reason was so I could finally open up to Derek, and we could work through our problems. Lucy said the reason was probably so that I could "finally cut Derek" out of my life. Hank said that Derek and I wouldn't have lasted a year if we didn't have something sustainable. Lucy said that I had a bad habit of keeping toxic things in my life… she felt really bad for saying that, but I think she had a point. Hank said that I'd been working very hard over the last six months to cut those toxic things out of my life. Lucy said that Derek should be one of them. On and on and on and on.
Did you know that Hank and Lucy have never met? My parents met him for the first time when I got my one-year chip, but other than them, you're the only person I've introduced to Hank. And yet, they both managed to argue with each other and confused the hell out of me. This argument literally dragged out until the day before Spring Fling.
I guess what I want you to know about those three weeks is that I didn't just… move on after you kissed me. You kind of took up a residence inside my head, and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I wanted. The two people that I trusted more than anyone in this world were on opposite sides of this, so I had no idea. I didn't want to lose you or Derek, and it was so hard to figure it all out. I wouldn't be able to be friends with Derek, not after everything we'd been through. And if I chose Derek, I couldn't keep pretending that you were just my friend.
Derek and I had history. I still felt like I owed him for staying in my life after everything I put him through, and I thought that was a good enough reason to stay with him. And… I think I had a different takeaway than Hank wanted me to have. I thought it would be so much harder to be with you because there was so much about me that you didn't know.
But with you, everything was new and exciting, and it felt so much more… just more. Really, it should have been an easy choice, but I didn't want to lose Derek. We had our problems, but he was a great guy, and I usually liked being with him.
I didn't know who I should listen to, but I didn't want anything else to change, so I chose Derek. I thought that Hank was probably right, and maybe I'd be running from something scary if I didn't choose him.
I didn't tell Derek about what happened in Willacoochee; I couldn't. He would know it meant something if I had to talk about it because as angry as it made me, it was also the most I'd ever felt from a kiss. I didn't think I could convincingly tell him it meant nothing.
Until that night at the Spring Fling, I really thought that I'd be making a mistake if I chose you.
Then you told Derek that you thought he shouldn't break up with me. I swear, Vic, when you told him all that stuff… it took everything in me not to stop you as you walked away. The only thing that kept me from following you right away was knowing that I had to talk to Derek. I needed to tell him we were done before I could talk to you.
I wasn't particularly nice about it. I didn't have much practice breaking up with people who I wanted to keep in my life.
It was all worth it though because it brought me to that bench. The bench where it all started.