~ Chapter 11: Finding Myself ~

Is it dramatic to say that my whole life changed when you walked away from me at Spring Fling? Even if it's dramatic, it's true.

Deciding that I was worth more than a half-assed relationship was the hardest and best decision I've ever made. In a split second, I saw a whole future with you. I saw nights of us staying up ridiculously late because we didn't want to hang up our phones and nights of falling asleep in your arms. I saw us getting to know each other more over coffee and talking for hours at a time without running out of things to say. I saw us becoming a team and falling in love and going the distance. I'd never been able to picture a future like that with anyone.

I couldn't give it up. It was imaginary, and I thought I was insane for giving up a real future with Derek, but the moment I could see it with you, I didn't want any future with Derek. My relationship with Derek was predictable and comfortable. We followed the same pattern over and over again: fight, make-up sex, a period where we felt like our relationship was the strongest it could possibly be, and then fighting again. Over and over again. With you, I knew it was going to be exciting and terrifying and brand new. I didn't think it would live up to that image I had in my head (somehow, it exceeded it), but I knew I wanted to be with you.

I knew that you liked me when you made your whole speech to Derek. I guess I should've known before that, but I figured you had done the same thing with me that I'd done with Derek; I thought I was out and convenient and that you liked the life I was living more than you liked me. When you said all that stuff, I realized that all the assumptions I made about why you kissed me in Willacoochee were wrong. Well, partially. You didn't kiss me just because I'm gay or because I was there. In your note, you told me that you kissed me because you needed to know if you liked me, and you got your proof. I didn't believe it until that moment.

You chose me, Vic. I'm not even talking about choosing to be with me. You decided that my happiness was more important than yours. You stood up for me with Derek and took the blame for something that was probably at least 20% my fault. I wasn't used to people fighting for me. Lucy did, but it was so different with her; I think it was because she was fighting for me to be safe and healthy. You were fighting for me to be happy. You were wrong about what would make me happy, but you cared enough about me to do the hard, scary thing and let me go. It helped me do the hard, scary thing and let Derek go.

So, I told him that we were done. He asked me if I really thought you'd be able to take all of my baggage, and I honestly wasn't sure if you would, but I realized that Derek wasn't taking my baggage either. For the first time, I felt like I deserved to be with someone I could be truly happy with, and I finally accepted that someone would never be Derek.

Despite knowing you liked me, walking over to that bench was so hard. Telling you I broke up with Derek was even harder. Telling you I liked you was the hardest thing I've ever done… right up until this, that is. It was all worth it when you smiled at me and told me you felt the same way.

When we kissed, I felt like I was flying. Everything was amplified with you, and there was so much to feel. I hadn't really let myself feel it or think about what I felt in Willacoochee but that kiss on the bench? It was everything. It was undeniably right and passion and heat and left me feeling like I needed more and like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I'd never fallen in love before, and I fell hard with you. Maybe that's why it hurt so much when we landed.

The first few months we were together… Vic, I don't even have words. Just thinking about them gives me butterflies and makes it hard to think. Saying that I was happy doesn't do justice to how I felt.

Being with you was different than any other relationship I'd been in. For one thing, everything was brand new to you. I know it's something you were always insecure about, but I loved it. I loved that I was your first everything because it made everything we did together special and different. I never should have thrown it back in your face on my birthday. It was the only thing I could think of to get the attention off of me because you are annoyingly perfect sometimes. The truth is, you put your complete faith in me and that felt really great. It probably felt way better for me than it did for you, and I never did the same. That's why I got so mad at you. Because I was really mad at myself.

I know you find that hard to believe, but it really was me. Long before we started dating, you were my safe space. You were my escape from all the bad parts of my life, and suddenly, the two parts of my life converged, and I was totally unprepared for it.

But we're not there yet. No. I want to take some time to talk about the first few months we were together. We were falling in love, and then we were madly in love. Everything was perfect.

Do you remember the day you asked me if I was your boyfriend? It was at the beginning of July. I got into a fight with my parents right before work. Remember what I said about how I always wanted to drink after I fought with my parents? There's a reason for that, and it's because I've always felt like they wanted me to be different. It always felt like their pride was short-lived, and their disappointment was endless. I still feel that way. I know I'm lucky that they try so hard, but I can't shake the feeling that I'll never been enough for them.

The fight I got in with them that day was about AA. I still didn't want them to come with me; I'd been regularly going for eight months and the only person I'd ever brought with me was Lucy. I thought if I tried to bring my parents, I wouldn't be able to make myself go in, and Derek never expressed an interest, so only Lucy had that honor.

Lucy had gone with me to AA just the night before because it was our monthly ritual, and Hank presented me with my unofficial eight-month chip – the AA I'm a part of technically doesn't do chips; it's left at the discretion of our sponsors, and Hank decided right away that I was getting monthly chips.

I don't remember what Lucy and I told you. I think she fed you some lie about needing a friend day… or maybe it wasn't a lie because I think that's what we did; we just left out the AA piece. You never questioned our friend days which only made me like you more.

That day, my parents told me they knew my nine months was my next milestone, and they considered that to be a big deal. They wanted to be there when I was presented with my chip. I said no, and it turned into this whole thing about how they didn't understand why I wouldn't let them celebrate my accomplishment. Somehow, they made it about themselves and turned something I should be really proud of into something else I felt guilty about.

I couldn't tell them the truth which was that I was celebrating those accomplishments despite them and not because of them, so I told them the only version of the truth I could: that I needed my sobriety to be mine a little longer. Well, that turned into this whole thing about how I was being selfish and how they were on this journey with me. They weren't, but let's pretend for a second that they were. Why did that immediately entitle them to be part of that piece of my life? If they really felt that way, maybe they should've found their own way to work through everything instead of dumping that pressure on me.

I stormed out and ended up calling you while I walked around for about an hour. I went into work early, and you got there like ten minutes after me and were totally surprised when I was already there. I had no idea why you were so early, and I hated that it made me suspicious. Why did you look like you were being sneaky?

You could tell. I tried to play it off because we hadn't been together that long, and it felt too soon to be jealous of something, much less something as trivial as you coming into work early. The moment I told you it was totally cool and that you didn't need to tell me, you admitted that you wanted to get here early to surprise me. You said when I called you earlier, you could tell I was upset, and you wanted to do something to cheer me up. Then you pulled a picture frame out of your backpack. You told me that you got it printed a few days earlier and had been waiting for the right time to give it to me. Your plan had been to set it up in the back right on top of my apron and you were going to make me my favorite coffee… it always tasted better when you made it.

When I looked at the picture, I was speechless. You had chosen a selfie we'd taken at my house earlier in the week. We'd been hanging upside down on my bed while we talked, and you insisted it was the perfect photo op. I think you were trying to make up for all the selfies we didn't take before we'd gotten together. We were kissing in the one you chose. I was bright red, partially from hanging upside down and partially from you. You told me you thought it would be nice if I had a picture of us because we always took pictures on your phone since your camera wasn't cracked. I could tell it mattered a lot to you.

I didn't need to pretend that I loved it. The moment I saw it, I was amazed. I didn't know what to say, so I just pulled you into the back room and kissed you. It was the first time we'd kissed anywhere remotely public… well, aside from that bench. Since we'd officially gotten together, we'd almost exclusively made out in my room. You immediately pulled back, and I could see you were freaked out because you looked toward the door. Other people were working and they could walk in anytime. Before I could apologize, you were kissing me again. I ended up pressed up against the locker.

I can't speak for you, but I think our kisses just kept getting better and better but that one felt particularly exciting because I knew you were choosing me. You weren't ready to be out to the whole world, but you were still okay with doing things like that, and we became very familiar with making out in that backroom the rest of the summer. It became my favorite part of coming to work.

I think we were both so into it and so distracted by each other, we completely missed that Sarah came into the back. I didn't hear her until she threw a binder on the floor.

I was so sure that was the end of us. I'd pushed you too far, but you surprised me. You were always really good at that – surprising me by handling way more than I expected you too. When Sarah told us that it didn't matter to her if we wanted to have a casual hook–up, but we better not do it in her place of business, you stepped in front of me.

You told her it wasn't casual and that we were together. Sarah wasn't the first person to find out. Obviously, we told my parents and your parents and Pilar and Felix and Lucy and, through their relationships, Lake and Andrew found out, but this felt so different. Sarah did not fall into the sub-category of people we unconditionally trusted.

Sarah clearly didn't know what to do with that information, so she told us we couldn't have sex at work and left.

You got a really weird look on your face. I knew you were probably freaked out, so I tried to figure out the right thing to say. I think I said something about how I knew it was too soon and that we'd be more careful and that we absolutely did not have to talk or think about sex yet.

Instead of agreeing with me or telling me that it shouldn't have happened in the first place or making that freaked out face you always make when you have to talk about sex (don't worry, it's an adorable face), you asked me if you would've been telling the truth if you told Sarah I was your boyfriend. Then you got really cute. I mean, you're always cute, but you got to be a rambly cute. You told me that you almost called me your boyfriend, but you weren't sure if we were there. You didn't want to just make the decision because that's what had happened with Mia, and you'd agreed only because you didn't feel like you could say no because she'd already called herself your girlfriend which made it feel official before you had a chance to wrap your head around it. You wanted to make sure I knew that we didn't have to be boyfriends but that if I was ready, you wouldn't be "totally freaked" by the idea.

You have to understand that it was the last thing I expected to hear from you, but I instantly knew that that's what I wanted to be. I wanted to be your boyfriend. I wanted to be able to go home and tell my parents you were my boyfriend. Thinking of you as my boyfriend felt so natural.

I think I was ready because you gave me the choice. I could've said no; I truly believe that. I could've said no, and we would've been fine; knowing that meant I could say yes, and I realized that I'd been ready to be your boyfriend for a while. Maybe since I walked away from Derek at Spring Fling.

You took a shitty day and made it unforgettable. You built me up when I felt so weak and broken and made me strong enough to go home with my head held high.

Your little romantic gestures made me feel so good about myself, and it was a new feeling for me. It was like the small things somehow felt bigger than the big things in a lot of ways.

Take our first date. Our first date, date, I mean. The one at the end of July. We had sort-of dates all the time at my place or at the park, but they were all so casual. You made our first official date unforgettable. I mean, you put together this whole thing just to ask me out. I remember how confused I was when it was happening because you were weirdly flustered for our plans to casually sit around my house and eat pizza. When the pizza came, you insisted on getting it and you brought it into the kitchen. You said you'd bring it out on plates for us.

You were gone so long that I went to check on you and saw you hunched over a piece of pepperoni, trying to cut it with a plastic spoon because you couldn't figure out what drawer we kept the cutlery in. I asked you what you were doing, and you told me that you were cutting pepperoni as if I hadn't already noticed that. Then the spoon broke, and you leaned against the island and got this annoyed look on your face. "This was supposed to be romantic."

I asked you what you were talking about, and you bit your lip. I got a little excited because I hoped that maybe this was your way of saying you were ready to do more than make out in my bed. Don't get me wrong, the making out was… amazing. But I was ready for more, and I was scared to tell you that because I had no idea where you were at with that, and I didn't want to risk bringing it up before you were ready.

Instead of telling me you were ready for more, you told me you were… well, yeah, your exact words had been that you were ready for more, but you meant with dating. You had been trying to spell out "movies?" on the pizza but were really struggling with that pepperoni because you hadn't realized whole pieces would be too big to spell out the whole word.

I told you it was romantic and cute and perfect, and I don't think you believed me even though I meant it. It didn't matter to me that it hadn't worked out; all that mattered was that you tried.

After our shift that Saturday, we took a bus to Decatur and went to that hole in the wall diner with the best mozzarella sticks I've ever had in my life before we went to a movie. We were discreet, but we didn't try to hide, and I loved it. I thought you would have a tougher time, and I was kind of jealous at how easily being out seemed to come to you. You held my hand during the movie and kissed me when the lights went off during the previews and seemed completely unafraid to be with me.

I was always scared to be with you, but I was more scared to not be with you. I liked you so much, and I wanted to be around you all the time. I missed you when we were apart for just a few minutes. It didn't make sense because we pretty much spent every waking minute of our summer together, but it never felt like enough. You once called me out on coming up with ridiculous things to do when we were closing together just because I wanted us to be able to spend more time together. The one time I made us alphabetize the creamers… yeah, I wasn't fooling anyone, but I knew your mom couldn't get mad at you for breaking curfew because of work.

I always figured you felt the same way because you did the same kind of things. I mean, you got me to sneak you into my house after you closed one day in August because we'd been scheduled for different shifts that whole week while Sarah was in Oregon helping her parents with something, and we hadn't seen each other in a few days. You called me like four times before I answered and then I was in a panic thinking that Brasstown was robbed at gunpoint or something… I'm not exaggerating; I really thought that something bad had happened to you.

Obviously, it hadn't. You told me to come outside and then told me that I looked really cute in my pajamas. I told you my parents were asleep, and you bit your lip. You told me that we could be really, really quiet. You'd told your mom that some guys from the basketball team were getting together, so she wasn't expecting you back until morning. It clicked, but I think I was nervous that I was wrong. I wasn't. You said you weren't ready to have sex, but you wanted to do more than make out and pretend that it wasn't making you crazy.

You didn't need to convince me. I jumped on that bandwagon so quickly. Yeah… I guess it's unfair to say you got me to sneak you in because I was ready to say yes long before you were ready to ask the question. Until we slept together, that night had held the mantle of my favorite night ever. Our last two weeks of summer were just… amazing. Indescribably amazing. I felt so close to you and so safe with you.

Then school started and things got complicated, but they were still great at first. Once we stopped being a novelty, I felt like we fell into a groove.

Did I ever tell you about the moment I knew I loved you? Not when we said it to each other. Obviously, you were there and what came next was kind of hard to forget. That is still my absolute favorite day ever. I'm talking about the moment that I knew I was head over heels in love with you.

It happened at school. I know; it surprised me too. I always thought it would be this big ah-ha moment, but it wasn't. I realized during a quiet conversation outside of my locker. You were holding my hand and I don't think you even noticed that you pressed it to your chest. You were telling me about Adrian and Heather, the turtle. It was actually the day I found out he got a turtle.

The first half of your story, I thought you were talking about one of his classmates as you explained that Adrian was playing tag with Heather… you know, I never found out how he played tag with a turtle, and I'd love to know. I got really confused when you said that he tried to feed her lettuce, but she kept turning her head away from him, so finally, he picked her up and pushed a piece inside her mouth because he'd been told it would help her with something, but you didn't say what that something was. You had to have known what you were doing, right? No one is unintentionally that vague.

I stopped you in the middle of your story and asked you what the hell you were talking about. You told me that it had been totally humane and that it turned out Heather liked lettuce; you thought she'd just never had it before or had been overstimulated at first because once she tried it, she ate every piece he had taken out for her.

I still had no clue what you were talking about, so I asked you why you let him force feed his classmate lettuce. How was I supposed to know you were talking about a turtle? I love Adrian, but who names a turtle Heather? It's like he wanted us to be confused.

You started to laugh and explained that Heather was a turtle, and then we both were laughing. I don't know why that is the moment it hit me, but it was kind of like the world slowed down, and I noticed everything about you. I noticed how you threw your head back as you laughed and how your smile made my heart beat a little faster and how your eyes seemed to literally sparkle. Like, how do you even do that?

I almost said it then and there because I knew, Victor. I knew I was in love with you. I didn't say it because I was scared. I'd told Derek I loved him but had never meant it in an "in love" sense. Even when I liked Derek the most, I never was in love. It seemed so much more high stakes when there were actual feelings behind it and being in love felt like so much. I didn't know I could feel that way, much less that part of me would suddenly always be tuned in to that feeling.

I was never not aware of you or how much I loved you after that. When something happened, you were the first person I thought of to share it with. When I got into a fight with my parents, you were the only person I wanted to go to. When I was happy, I got even happier because I had you in my life. Even when I went to AA or had a night that I spent with Lucy because I really wanted to drink, you were on my mind. I used to imagine bringing you with me to an AA meeting and what that would be like and how you'd fit into that part of my life. It weirdly felt right, but I always figured that was because it was my fantasy to be with someone who knew me and accepted me for who I was. I felt so guilty for not telling you, but I didn't want to ruin what we had. Funny how I ended up ruining everything by keeping it from you.

It was easy for me to blame my problems on Derek when I was with him because, well, he did do a lot wrong when we were together. I didn't know how to deal with everything that was wrong with me, so it was easier to focus on the other stuff – on how he never believed in me, how he held my mistakes over my head, how bad he made me feel about myself – than it was to think about how I'd set us up to fail. I think, in a lot of ways, I set you and me up to fail too. I hope it's not too late to fix that.

Dating you used to be the best, Victor. You made me believe I was worth more. I began to see myself a little bit more like how you saw me instead of how I saw myself.

This is really your fault, you know. You built me back up into someone that wants to be better. Before you, I was totally fine with my mediocre life. If you'd never moved here, I'd probably still be stuck in that same pattern. I'd still be convincing myself I was happy with Derek; how could I not when I didn't know that I could feel more until I met you? I'd still feel like a complete screw up, and I'd still be one.

When we started to have problems, it scared me. I love you so much that everything was a little more with you. The good was the best and the bad… well, it was the worst. I did what I always did and pretended that our problems didn't exist and then suddenly, there were so many of them.

The problem… no, not the problem. The thing is, I found myself over the last six months that we've been together. I know I never told you about AA, but you still made me feel completely safe. I know so much more about who I am and what I want for myself.

And what I want? I want you to know the whole truth about who Benji Campbell is. We're almost there, but there's something kind of big that you need to know. And, once you do, you have a decision to make.

All I can say is that I'm so sorry, Vic. I'm sorry that you're in this position; I'm sorry I'm such a screw up; I'm sorry that things with me will never be smooth and easy. I'm sorry that I am so selfish and that, even though I know it will be hard for you, I hope that you'll be okay with everything I've told you and what I still need to tell you.

You deserve better.