A/N: Sweet160717, I can feel your frustration with Fitz flowing through the internet. We'll find out if things will get better for Olitz. You picked up a lot on the second reading. "Mother's sacrifice for their children" is an important line to remember. Fitz is trying to control his temper. didi46, glad you're enjoying the story. I like adding a little suspense and mystery. Abby's attitude toward Olivia is about jealousy. She thinks she is losing Olivia to Marion. For Abby, Marion represents everything she has disdain for. Dr. Brennan is going to get to the bottom Fitz' problem. Dendardendan, aww, your favorite story. I bet you say that to all the authors. LOL. Much appreciated. Nora and Marion are going to live long and healthy lives. Sorry. Fitz does need a soft place to land, and that place should be his home. Oakbluffsdiva, you're right about the different factions in this story. Mona is the sane one. She's loyal to Olivia, takes care of her husband, and minds her business. scandalbrenda5, yeah, yeah, I know some don't like the politics, but these are multi-dimensional characters. You're right, Fitz doesn't want to lose Olivia again, but he's stressed. Glad you stuck with the story – for now. Haha. justafan51, you're right, Nora hasn't changed. We'll find out why. We'll also find out how Olitz will handle the pregnancy. TstormVA, I appreciate you understanding that other commitments prevent me from updating as often as I like. I also appreciate the enthusiasm for the story. Monica, you frowned the entire read? Goodness. The story won't be rushed. Themes introduced early in their marriage must be addressed as well as other hints I've left along the way. Hang in there, things will get better for Olitz as a couple. They're going to need to rely on each other to deal with an upcoming matter. dafney64, Olivia can be a bit stubborn, but Abby cares enough about Olivia to tell her the truth. Fitz does need to open up more to Dr. Brennan. reneelovesolitz, you're right, all of Fitz' pretending has to be tough and tiring It has taken its toll on him. Time for him to come clean. kandyse4olitz, let's see if you and Abby are right. Is Olivia taking Fitz for granted? GeeGee612, it sounds like you're a little annoyed with Olivia. But you're right, she does have to work out some issues with her parents. Fitz does not want his Princess to get if Kelly changes her mind again. But a little compassion goes a long . Cleo, remember, Olivia defended Fitz to her father. She is in a tough position. She is trying to be a supportive wife and a respectful daughter. kelleekellkell, lots of tea was spilled in Chapter 53. Marion learned a lot from Nora about the Grant clan and gave us more insight into Fitz. Let's see how Marion handles the information. Gwendolyn gave Fitz some things to think about, but let's keep our eyes on Mrs. Pope. Fitz blew up at Olivia because he is frustrated and suppressing so many feelings. Glad you're enjoying the story. Emma, you're right, Nora is filled with a lot of animosity. We'll find out what's at the root of her behavior. She confessed her feelings to Olivia long ago, but Olivia did not realize how much Nora was hurting back then. You remembered that little detail about the security Fitz hired to keep an eye on his family. Will add you to the column of reviews who think it's time for the Popes to leave. Jadidar, you read all 53 chapters. Wow. Thanks for joining the party and the compliment. I appreciate all the reviews, I can only tell the story the way I see it in my mind. Hold tight, there is so much more to come with the Cena and Asha storyline. Guest 1, you're right, I intentionally withhold information. It's no fun knowing too early why certain things are happening. Most times there are always bread crumbs being left along the way, though. Guest 2, yes, Olivia's parents have done a stellar job helping them with all aspects of their lives since Charlie tried to kill them. But everything isn't as it seems. Guest 3, tell me how really feel about Nora and Marion. Haha. Nora spilled a lot of tea and Marion was there to sip. We'll hear more about their dinner in Chapter 54. So, you're giving Fitz a little sympathy because you agree with Abby that Olivia pushes him too much. We'll see about that. These two are complicated. Guest 4, 'Marion giving leash for gossip.' I have never heard that phrase before. Marion is listening to Nora's gossip because feels left out — that Ben doesn't tell her anything. We'll learn more about this. Guest 5, we'll see what's going on with "self-indulgent" Fitz. The girls' bath time used to be a special time for him. Guest 6, you also enjoyed Nora's gossiping. She certainly had a lot to say. You think Olivia is self-absorbed? Let's see what's going on with her. Guest 7, BASTA. I haven't heard that in a while. So, you're tired of the Olivia bashing? Abby can be a little caustic. That caustic attitude comes from a place of insecurity, which stems from her poor background. Guest 8, another person who enjoyed Nora's gossiping. Steamy sex? Hmm.
Thanks for all the interest in this story. I truly enjoy reading all the reviews. I'm trying to stick to a monthly update schedule, but it's difficult. Work is heating up again, Ugh. Enough of the whining. Here we go!
Chapter 54. It's Time to Move On
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Harlem, Langston Hughes
Now that he and Marion are back together, Bennie is once again motivated to become a better cook. He has resumed exploring easy recipes online and practicing different techniques to make their meals taste better. He learned the importance of cutting meats and chicken the same size so they can cook at the same rate, especially when used in a stew. The same is true when he roasts vegetables. However, he no longer tries to encourage Marion to cook, giving her a special dispensation since she really is not good at it and has no interest in learning. So, her job in the kitchen is to keep him company while he cooks.
"So how did Fitz enjoy the wrestling match? We didn't get a chance to discuss since you've been spending much of your time at the hospital with your chef."
"I assure you - neither of us is happy about that. I had to open him up again - repair a leaky valve. He doesn't trust anyone else with his heart. He doesn't want it broken", Ben says, laughing at his own joke.
"You're so trustworthy, Dr. Grant", Marion laughs lightly as she brings the glass of diet cola to her lips.
"Fitz seemed to really enjoy himself — we both did. You should come with me some time. Maybe we can go with Fitz and Liv one night. Liv loves wrestling."
"She does?" Marion says with a hint of surprise in her voice. She never would have guessed that Olivia enjoyed that sort of entertainment.
"She didn't in the beginning. Like you — she thought it was phony."
"Well it is phony — and barbaric."
"Dr. Harris — don't ever — and I mean ever — imply that wrestling is phony — at least not to a diehard fan", tapping her on the nose.
"Excuse me", she says playfully, watching him resume dicing the onion. She smiles internally, thinking his knife skills have really improved. He is much faster chopping and slicing vegetables.
"How was your night out with Nora? I'm sure she was happy to get away from mom and dad for a few hours."
Marion slowly rubs her fingers up and down the side of the sweating glass, contemplating what, if anything, she should tell Ben about Nora's odd behavior.
"She really liked Paolo's. She wants to go back."
"That's good. We can all go together next time", he says, focusing on slicing the carrots on the diagonal just like they appear in the video on the cooking website.
"Mhm", Marion mumbles with a far-off look in her eyes. Ben looks over at Marion when he hears his usually articulate girlfriend's mumbled response.
"Mar – is something wrong? Did something happen at dinner?" Setting the Santoku knife on the edge of the wooden cutting board.
"Ben, Nora is a lovely young woman -"
"What happened?" Walking over to Marion.
"Ben, you never told me why Nora was away — but I assumed her problems were psychological."
"I wasn't trying to hide anything from you, Marion. I just wanted to respect my sister's privacy. She's been through a lot."
"I understand — I really do — you're so considerate. But, Ben — Nora has a lot of pent-up rage."
"What do you mean?" Silently hoping Nora did not do anything inappropriate.
"She is very resentful of you — of all her brothers. In fact — she gave me an earful about the entire family. I'm ashamed to say I listened for a while."
"What did she say?" Deepening the furrow in his brow.
"It seems like she is still holding on to a lot of anger from childhood. As the only girl in the family she feels your father played favorites when it came to you boys. She always felt like an outsider — almost invisible growing up."
"She has every right to be angry. My father had no interest in a little girl — we all saw it. He gave all his attention to us boys. I guess that's what men of his generation did. He's trying to make amends now — I just hope it's not too late. And — mom — well she was in no state to give Nora what she needed. Growing up in a home feeling unwanted and unloved had to be devastating for my sister."
"I can certainly relate", Marion says sadly.
"I'm sorry — I didn't mean to — "
"That's quite all right, Ben. We can't pretend like my childhood didn't happen. I'm done pretending. I just feel badly for Nora — it's obvious she's still struggling."
"Unfortunately, the consequences of parental favoritism are mostly bad. Disfavored children experience more depression, greater aggressiveness, lower self-esteem, and poorer academic performance than favored children. Many of these consequences affect their self-esteem – the chronic need to feel special – even as an adult. It also poisons relationships with siblings. I get the hostility."
"It sounds like you've researched the topic."
"I have. I wanted to understand my sister – understand the choices she's made. She's engaged in some pretty self-destructive behaviors, Marion."
"I love you", Marion says, smiling up at him. She has become more comfortable saying those three little words.
"And I love you — too", pecking her on the lips before walking over to the stove to sauté the vegetables.
"Nora is a talented artist, Ben. She needs to do something with that talent."
"Liv got her a job at the community center in Springfield Heights— teaching art to the children. She seemed to enjoy doing that. Apparently — something went wrong there."
"I offered to introduce her to a friend who owns a graphic arts studio in Portland. I'm sure he would be more than willing to give her a job. Maybe that's what she needs — to move away from home and discover who she is while doing the work she loves."
"That's so kind of you. What did she say?"
"She's going to think about it."
XXX
Fitz silently sighs when he enters the kitchen and sees Calvin sitting at the island reading the newspaper. He is not in the mood this morning to debate with his father-in-law about any of the myriad of social and political matters that seem to regularly offend his sensibilities.
"Good morning, Calvin", draping the suit jacket over the back of his chair. He hopes Calvin did not make two pots of Café Touba this morning.
"Good morning, Fitzgerald", his eyes tracking his son-in-law as he makes his way over to the coffee maker. "The women-folk are still upstairs. Everybody seems to be moving slow these days."
Fitz nods, thinking about Mrs. Handley's wonderful coffee as he fills his mug.
"Fitzgerald, I want to say – if my words were inappropriate - hurtful last week – well – that certainly was not my intent." Fitz silently sighs again as he sits in his chair. It is time to put the matter to rest.
"Calvin - we have to ask ourselves what kind of school system we want in the city. Do we want one that provides an equal education to all – or one that provides a stellar education for a few? If an equal education is not available to everyone — to every child — then economic disparity, lack of social mobility, and upward dreams so many people aspire to do not happen. The education system has to be healed - not patched. We cannot function as a city if we continue to put bandages on the problem. So - yes - we need to take a step back from the politics and rhetoric and do what is right — not what is expedient. If that means one good school does not open during this moratorium - then I'm okay with that because that also means that 10 bad ones won't open either. This is bigger than Triumph, Calvin."
Impressed by his son-in-law's articulation of his position, Calvin leans back in his chair and slowly nods his head. He understands why Fitzgerald was so successful negotiating business deals.
"Well — it seems like we share the same concerns — are on the same page — so to speak. We just express ourselves differently. I'm more optimistic knowing that the future of the children is in your capable hands, Fitzgerald."
"The moratorium is the start of the process - not the end, Calvin."
Fitz stands as he drains the last bit of coffee from the mug and slides on his suit jacket.
"Have a good day, Calvin."
"You as well, Fitzgerald. You as well." With a newfound respect for his son-in-law, Calvin sips the spicy coffee and watches Fitz stroll from the kitchen. Livvia has definitely picked well.
XXX
"My father-in-law apologized to me this morning. Well - it was an apology of sorts. Calvin Pope is not the kind of man who apologizes. The man rarely seems to regret anything he says or does. It must be liberating to have that kind of moral certainty", Fitz sniggers.
"What about you - do you have any regrets?"
"What?"
Dr. Brennan has been working with Fitzgerald Grant long enough to recognize the man's idiosyncrasies, like answering a question with a question when he does not want to give an answer. So, he doodles on the yellow legal pad until Fitz is ready to answer.
"No – I don't have any regrets", Fitz replies after a few minutes, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa.
Dr. Brennan nods, preparing to enter dark territory. It is time to push him. It is the only way he can help his patient uncover the source of his anxiety.
"Do you miss your other life — that of a negotiator?"
Fitz looks at Dr. Brennan curiously, runs his fingers through his hair, then glances down at his watch. They are just getting started; 40 minutes remain in the session.
"You started a successful consulting firm — negotiated some of the most complex and lucrative mergers and acquisitions for multinational companies — and you walk away from it to become president of the local City Council."
"Is there a question in there somewhere?" He says smugly, another behavior trait he cultivated for times when he feels cornered. Dr. Brennan does not have time for games today, so he ignores the snide remark and presses forward.
"The original question stands – why did you walk away at the prime of your career - from a successful business you built - to become a politician?"
"It's not unusual for business people to enter the political arena", uncrossing and crossing his legs.
"True — but why did you do it?"
"I've always enjoyed helping the less fortunate — did so while I was in the Navy", giving the standard response he learned was acceptable to most during the campaign. Tell people what they want to hear and they will usually move on, not ask more questions. That tactic worked well for reporters and citizens, but not so much with Dr. Brennan.
"But you weren't involved in any social causes or politically active before you were married."
Fitz press his lips in a straight line; his breathing is shallow. He is a smart man, he knows where this line of questioning is going. He glances down at his watch again. Silence fills the room for the next five minutes.
"I knew it would make my wife happy", he says flatly, continuing to look straight ahead at nothing in particular.
"What do you mean?"
"I love my wife — more than anything."
"I don't doubt that - Olivia is a wonderful woman. I'm sure she loves you dearly." The corner of Fitz' mouth twitch.
"My wife has been involved in community service all of her life. Her parents are the same — always putting the needs of others before their own - perhaps to a fault", he utters half under his breath. "When I met Olivia — before we were married — I thought – still think — she was the most incredible woman I'd ever known. Young — younger than me — and fiercely independent. I admired her independence. She'd started her own foundation and was so dedicated to helping people – although at times it made it difficult for us to see each other. She was always so busy."
"Did Olivia ask you to give up your business to enter politics?" Fitz pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off the headache that is building behind his eyes.
"No - not in so many words. Although she was excited about the prospect of my entering public service. Especially after the Marla scandal."
"So - you gave up your business to please Olivia?" Fitz glances down at his watch again, then abruptly stands from the sofa.
"I have to go. I have to meet Olivia at the dentist." He lies, the girls' dentist appointment is not until tomorrow.
XXX
I try to do
The best I can for you
But it seems it's not enough
And you know I care,
Even when you're not there.
But it not what you want.
You close your door,
when I wanna give you more.
And I feel, I feel so out of place.
And you know it's true,
Don't you think I'm, good enough for you.
Can't you see,
That you're hurting me,
And I want, I want this pain to stop.
So if you really care,
I mean if you really, really care,
Then open up your heart to me.
Open up to meeee...
.
:
I Try, Angela Bofill
Walking from the bathroom, Fitz glances at his wife, who is leaning back against the headboard with an ink pen lightly pressed to her lips. She seems to be in deep thought.
"What are you doing?" Glancing at the pile of papers on her lap as he unfastens the watch from his wrist.
"Writing thank-you notes. Trying to write would be more appropriate. It's been two weeks since Jo's birthday party, babe. Our family and friends have blessed Jo with so many wonderful gifts - I want to thank them properly - show our gratitude."
He tosses the watch onto his night table and smiles slightly because she still likes to send handwritten notes. He has also adopted the practice for special circumstances.
"Do you want to write one to Ben?"
"I've already written his", setting his phone onto the charger.
"You did?" She says with a degree of surprise in her voice as she watches him climb into bed.
"Of course, I did. I wrote one to dad as well. It's tradition. Have you forgotten?"
"No — I haven't forgotten. You didn't say anything. Do you want to help me write the others? I can't seem to think of the right words."
"You know there's an app on your phone that does that for you. It would make your life much easier."
"I would never. Is that what you used?"
"No", sighing as he picks up a thank-you card from her lap and takes the pen from her hand. She watches as he quickly scribbles a message onto the card.
"Aren't you going to think about it — make it personal?"
"You don't have to think about it, Liv. You just have to be sincere and brief. Read", handing her the card.
Dear Mona and Tom:
"Olivia and I cannot tell you how much we appreciate you sharing Jolie's first birthday with us. Jolie will enjoy the beautiful Manhattan Activity Center for many years to come. We look forward to seeing you both soon.
Warm regards,
Fitz and Olivia
"This is good, babe — really good", nodding her head as she reads his slanted scrawl. "It takes me forever to write thank-you notes. Do you want to write the others?"
"No - you only have a few more to do", tossing the pen onto her lap then crawling under the covers.
"Babe - have you given any thought to what you want for your birthday? It's a few weeks away."
"You know I don't like celebrating my birthday", he says grumpily, and she tries not to roll her eyes. They have the same conversation every year.
"Maybe celebrating your birthday is not just about you. Maybe it's about me and the girls wanting to celebrate you. Besides, you know Cee wants any excuse to eat ice cream - just like her daddy. And I'm sure your mother — "
"I don't want a party, Liv", he says abruptly.
"Okay — no party - at least not a big one." He frowns because once again she is not listening to him. "Is there something you want? Write three things on this sheet of paper and I'll select something for you", pushing the pen and paper at him.
He sighs. "I don't need anything, Liv."
"Birthdays aren't about getting the things you need, babe. They're about receiving gifts you wouldn't ordinarily buy for yourself."
"Fine", snatching the pen and paper from her hand. He quickly jots down three gift ideas then hands the sheet to her. Olivia scans the list and immediately dismisses the first item.
"You're kidding, right? You can open your drawer and find all the tee shirts you'll ever need. What about an experience — something you've always wanted to do but haven't had the chance?"
"I don't feel like playing games tonight, Olivia. I have a long day at the office tomorrow. I have to finish preparing for the budget hearings. They start in a few days you know – or have you forgotten?" Undeterred by his sarcasm, she continues.
"That's why we need to celebrate your birthday. Maybe once the hearings are over we can do number two on your list — go up to the lake house for a few weeks."
Good night, Olivia", pecking her on the cheek before turning onto his side.
Olivia wants to scream. Lately, their interactions, no matter how innocuous, always seems to end on a sour note. She stares at the back of his head, blinking rapidly, trying to fight back the tears. No longer in the mood to finish writing the notes, she sets the stack of cards and envelopes onto her night table and turns off the lamp. She slides under the covers and wraps her arm around his waist, snuggling close. He stiffens, and she holds him tighter, nuzzling her face in his neck. He closes his eyes tight when he feels the ever-so slight bump of her stomach pressing against his back.
For the next few hours, he lies awake in the dark, thinking he needs to get beyond whatever it is that has a hold on him. When the sun begins to rise, he detaches himself from her and rolls out of bed. He lifts his phone from the charger and slips into the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him. He calls Dr. Brennan's office and leaves a message requesting to change his afternoon appointment to the morning. He sets the phone onto the counter and examines his reflection in the mirror.
XXX
When Dr. Brennan enters the room, Fitz stands and the two men exchange their usual greeting. Fitz sits onto the sofa and crosses his legs. He smiles slightly as he watches Dr. Brennan begin his ritual. Once settled into his well-worn, leather wing-back chair, Dr. Brennan balances the yellow legal pad on one knee, then puts on his round, wire-framed eyeglasses.
"Thank you for seeing me this morning on such short notice."
"Not at all. It helped that we had a cancellation", Dr. Brennan says with a kind smile. Fitz nods and turns his attention to the window across the room, watching a hawk soar higher and higher toward the clouds. The bird looks so free.
"Olivia is trying to make me better", he finally says with a degree of guilt.
"I see", Dr. Brennan says.
"She's pregnant - we're pregnant", forking his long fingers through his hair.
"Congratulations."
Fitz sighs, not sure if the good wishes are warranted. He is not sure if another pregnancy is reason to celebrate. The thought of Olivia going to that dark place again is disquieting.
"Liv has wanted another baby for quite some time. Our youngest just turned one."
"How do you feel about becoming a father again?"
Fitz sighs, and silence befalls the room as he takes a few minutes to formulate a response.
"I love children — but we were supposed to wait. You know pregnancy is not a happy experience for my wife - quite the contrary."
"I'm sure you and Olivia have discussed the possibility of depression again."
"We have. We were planning to consult a specialist about it - we just didn't take precautions. I should've been more responsible."
"The last time I checked - it takes two."
Fitz nods his head and silence fills the room again. Forty-five minutes remain in the session. He rubs his thumb back and forth against the leather armrest as if he is trying to erase an imaginary stain from the material. His eyes dart around the room and, for the first time, he notices the stacks and stacks of books that seem to cover every flat surface. Books are piled on top of books. Books are piled on top of tables. Books are piled on top of the desk. And the bookshelves threaten to collapse under the weight of the voluminous tomes. He wonders how many of the books Dr. Brennan has actually read. He wonders if Dr. Brennan even knows what books he has piled around the room. He shakes his head because he cannot remember the last time he has read a complete book.
"Last week you asked if I had any regrets. Well — I do. Lots", he says almost imperceptibly.
"What do you regret?"
"I regret leaving the work I love. I regret going into politics. I regret agreeing to move from the house I love. I regret not killing Charlie Barber when I had the fuckin' chance", he says through clenched teeth.
"And how do these regrets make you feel?" Watching the tense man ball the hand resting on the armrest into a tight fist.
"Angry – mad as hell", he says in a measured tone.
"You don't sound like a man who is mad as hell." Fitz closes his eyes and he slowly massages his forehead. For months, he has been on the verge of exploding. He is trying to keep his anger under control.
"I don't want to frighten Olivia – not again", he admits reluctantly. "My temper is one of the reasons she left – went to Mirage. There were other reasons – of course."
"Who are you angry with?"
Fitz presses his large hands against the sides of his head and leans forward as if he is trying to block out unwanted sounds. The thoughts he has been stifling all these months sicken him. He shakes his head from side to side as tears stream down his face.
"Olivia. I'm fucking angry with Olivia."
"Why are you angry with your wife?"
"I feel like she no longer listens to me — considers my needs. My wife is strong-willed — she wants what she wants. And I want to give her what she wants. I want to make her happy. But at times it gets hard— all the concessions", he says solemnly. "I feel like a piece of my soul is chipped away with each concession I make — and god knows I've made plenty. I've become a contortionist of sorts — twisting and bending myself into unnatural positions — trying to become – I don't even know what. I no longer know who the hell I am anymore."
"Fitz, there's a beauty when two people come together in a marriage – but each must always remember to have a self that is independent of the union. We all have beliefs and expectations – those things we hold deeply – the things that define who we are. And we experience greater fulfillment when we live by our values. When we don't honor them - our mental, emotional, and physical state suffers. Mind you - I'm not suggesting we never live beyond our limits - but I am saying if we are consistently stretched beyond what we can bear — then it is time to make adjustments."
Fitz nods in agreement. Lately he feels stretched tight like the strings on an upright bass.
"You have experienced emotional and life-changing transitions over the past year. A career change - moving from the home you love - another baby on the way. You have tried to rationalize these transitions — be okay with them - but doing so has only served to heighten your stress."
Fitz stares helplessly at Dr. Brennan.
"You feel like you are always giving up vital parts of who you are. The ongoing self-sacrifices – the regrets — have stirred up feelings of resentment. You are angry with Olivia and you resent her because of the sacrifices you believe you have made for her."
"How can I resent the person I love more than anything in the world?" Shaking his head in despair.
"Resenting someone you love is not uncommon, Fitz. There is the old cliché - love and hate are bedmates."
With the corners of his mouth turned down, Fitz listens intently to Dr. Brennan's assessment.
"You are conflicted. On the one hand you love your wife and will do anything to make her happy. On the other hand - you blame Olivia for all the unwanted changes in your lives over the past year. This conflict has created an uncomfortable dissonance."
Fitz looks up at Dr. Brennan with knitted brow.
"Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort we experience when we simultaneously hold two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The stress caused by this dissonance is partly the cause of your panic attacks."
Fitz nods.
"What is the worst thing that can happen if you decide you no longer want to be in politics and you no longer want to move to the city?"
"Olivia will be disappointed— unhappy. Perhaps I might push her to choose."
"Choose what?" Fitz hesitates a few moments.
"A life without me." Dr. Brennan nods. A breakthrough.
"Fitz, you're a highly assertive, highly achieving, and highly ambitious man - but you have old insecurities – old stories - that you have been telling yourself."
Baffled by the assessment, Fitz looks at Dr. Brennan with confusion in his eyes.
"The story that you need to constantly satisfy Olivia's wants at the expense of your own desires. The story that you're not good enough for her. When you stop telling yourself these stories - you will create space for new ideas to emerge. It is in this new space that interesting possibilities and different life stories can be woven. However — in order for these new possibilities to emerge – and for you to move forward and live the life you truly want - you have to let go of the old stories."
"Are you saying I should divorce my wife?" He asks with a nervous laugh.
"What I'm saying is you cannot lose who you are in your marriage. There comes a time when self-preservation has to take over. There's nothing wrong with putting those you love above everyone else - but it becomes an issue when you put them above Olivia above yourself only reinforces the stories that you're not good enough — or that you constantly need to show her unmatched love, respect, and affection. You don't have to lose yourself — sacrifice who you are - to be with Olivia. If you lose yourself you lose it all."
"Doesn't every man want a woman to worship and adore?"
"You should adore your wife – but you cannot lose who you are in the process. I'm sure Olivia doesn't want that. You have to trust that your wife loves you for you — and not for the person you think she wants. But — you also have to be all right if you find out otherwise."
Fitz returns his gaze toward the window.
"The panic attacks you've been having is a call to show you that you have outgrown these old stories and are ready to replace them with something else – something more aligned with your true self."
Fitz looks back at Dr. Brennan and slowly nods his head. Everything is beginning to make sense.
"You also have to give yourself permission to feel the emotions that you have built up — not suppress them. And you must once again find your voice - discuss your feelings and needs with Olivia. If you don't - your resentment will fester like an unhealed wound and destroy your marriage."
XXX
Another hour passes and Fitz leans back against the park bench thinking about his session with Dr. Brennan. He tilts his head skyward, allowing the afternoon sun to warm his face. He misses the sun; it always rains in Washington. He smiles as he turns his head in the direction of the quacking sounds of ducks. He watches how they interact, all floating in the same direction, in a V-formation, on the water's surface. He wonders if they are of one family. He watches the ducks a while longer, stands and drapes the suit jacket over his arm, then walks toward his truck. He will not be going back to the office this afternoon.
XXX
Olivia is not sure if her roiling stomach is solely due to the pregnancy or if her husband's situation is a contributing factor. Maybe it is both. In either case, she will not allow the nausea to slow her down, to stop her from devising ways to help her husband. She is trying not to be over-bearing and push him to start using those pills again, if he has not already done so. He swore he was no longer taking he pills, but she is not sure if she believes him. He hid it from her all these months, who is to say he is not hiding it again? She brushes the tears from her cheek and shifts Jolie in her left arm before pressing the doorbell.
"Come on in, Liv", Ben says, pecking her on the cheek and taking Jolie from her arms. "How's my goddaughter doing today?" Tossing Jolie in the air. Jolie giggles and squeals.
"Thanks for seeing me on short notice."
"You never have to thank me, Liv. You know that I'm always here for you. Besides, I'll take any excuse to see my goddaughter on my day off", turning his head to dodge Jolie's fingers that once again reach for his nose.
"Can I get you anything – something to drink?"
"No – nothing. Thank you."
"She likes pulling noses - don't you little girl?", hoisting Jolie in the air again.
Jolie's tiny body shakes with laughter and slobber runs from her mouth, falling into Bennie's eye. He laughs as he wipes the dribble from his face. He and Jolie are having too much fun.
"I can't get over how much she looks like Nora", he says, red-faced with laughter.
Olivia remains silent and Ben glances at her, immediately realizing something is wrong. He sets Jolie onto the Monkey Mat, one of the many fun things he has bought since her birthday. He enjoys shopping at the children's store that is located within walking distance of the hospital. He has become quite friendly with Frieda, the sales clerk, who often helps him to select age appropriate toys and clothes for his niece.
Once on the mat, Jolie immediately grabs the huge clear rattle and begins to shake it. She laughs out loud when the colorful lights blink on and off and the music starts to play.
"What's going on, Liv? What's wrong?" Concern filling his voice as he sits next to her on the sofa.
"It's Fitz. He's so distant — detached. He's built a wall so high and he won't let me in – no matter what I try. I'm losing him, Ben."
"You're not losing him. Fitz just needs time to get through this. My brother loves you more than anything. He might just be a little upset about you telling me about what is going on. He has always been a private person."
"It's not that, Ben. Yes - he was upset— but it's something more. Something is going on and he won't tell me. I'm scared, Ben. I don't want him to start taking those pills again."
"Liv — "
"I worry about him — all the time. I cannot bare the thought of losing him. I can't go through that again."
"Tell me what's going on."
"I can see it in his eyes - he's not happy. Something is haunting him."
"That's why he's working with Dr. Brennan. Getting to the root cause of matters like this can take a while."
"No - no — it's something more. I feel the difference. He's going through the motions - we no longer have real conversations."
"You can't fix him as quickly as you like, Liv. You have to give it time."
She stares at Ben for a while, wondering if she is trying too hard to fix her husband, but quickly dismisses the thought. She does not have time to second guess herself.
"I've been doing some research — about opioids", staring at Ben with desperation in her eyes.
"Liv — "
"I know you and Marion explained — but I needed to do more research— understand more about these drugs."
"Fitz is no longer taking the opioid, Liv. Wait — is he? Have you found more pills?"
"No — no. I don't know. He said he isn't – but he hid it from me the first time."
"You have to believe him, Liv."
"Do I? Why must I believe him?" Her voice rising in panic. Jolie stops banging the rattle on the floor and looks over at her mother.
"Liv — "
"I read that overdoses are the number one cause of unintentional deaths in America."
"Liv -"
"I read there are medications designed to rapidly reverse an opioid overdose", frantically digging into her purse for the thank-you card on which she wrote the names of the medications."
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"I have to be ready, Ben — just in case. I missed it all before - I won't miss it again", handing him the note card. Ben frowns as he reads the names of the medications. "I would never forgive myself if there was something I could do to save my husband and I didn't. I need you to tell me how to get the Narcan — just in case. I need to be ready to help my husband." Tears stream down her face and Ben wraps his arm around her shoulders. Jolie looks up again when she hears her mother crying. Ben presses two fingers to his temple. He feels a headache building.
"Fitz is going to be fine, Liv."
"Do you need to check his heart?" Blurting out the random thought. "Perhaps the drugs — "
"Liv — Fitz is healthy. The last cardiac study I did on him showed he is as strong as a horse."
Unable to sit still, Olivia stands from the sofa and paces around the room. She stops in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, wringing her hands as she thinks about their upcoming move to the city.
"I'm pregnant, Ben", turning from the window with fright in her eyes.
"That's terrific, Liv. It seems like my brother is working on getting those five children after all", walking toward her with a broad smile spread across his face.
"We haven't told anyone yet. No one else knows", she adds quickly.
Ben nods with understanding.
"I can't lose him, Ben. I can't — not now", she says, sobbing uncontrollably.
Ben pulls her into his arms and Olivia holds on tight, allowing herself to have a much-needed cry.
"Okay – okay. Don't cry. I'll get you the Naloxone – Narcan. I'll show you how to administer it", holding her close in an attempt to console her.
The door swings open and Marion fights back the the green-eyed when she enters the apartment and sees the two embracing.
"Ben — Olivia?" Marion's says with surprise.
"Marion …" Ben says, turning to face his girlfriend.
"Hello, Marion", Olivia says through the tears as she steps away from Ben, swiping the tears from her cheeks. Jolie begins to cry because her mother is crying again. Marion feels silly when sees Jolie sitting on the floor and crying.
"I have to get going. We have to stop at the grocery store on the way home", grabbing her purse from the sofa.
"Don't leave — not like this, Liv", Ben pleads as he bends and lifts Jolie from the floor and pats his distraught niece on the back. Puzzled by what she is seeing, Marion stands across the room and watch the scene unfold.
"Thanks for listening, Ben", trying to take the rattle from her daughter's hand. But Jolie has a tight grip on her new favorite toy.
"You have to leave it, Jo", but Jolie resists, continuing to pull the toy away from her mother.
"Let her take it, Liv. We have plenty of goodies, right, Jo?" Ben says as he tickles Jolie's side.
"Come on, Jo – we gotta get going", taking Jolie from her uncle's arms.
"I'll call you tomorrow. And don't worry — everything is going to be all right." Olivia gives her brother-in-law a weak smile and he pecks her on the cheek.
"We're going to get out of your way, Marion — leave you two alone", giving Marion a quick hug.
As Olivia hurries from the apartment, Marion looks at Ben for answers. She wonders why Olivia is so upset.
"What's going on — what's wrong with Olivia?" Marion asks with genuine concern. Ben shakes his head as he walks over and kisses her on the lips.
"She's gotten herself all worked up about Fitz. She's been researching Naloxone. She wants me to get it for her – show her how to use it – just in case."
"My god", Marion says, shaking her head in dismay.
As the city's Director of Public Health, Marion has direct insight into the rising death rate in the city from opioid overdoses. Every day she sees how families are traumatized by the loss of a loved one who has died from an opioid overdose. So, it is heartbreaking to see her friends struggle with what has rapidly become the country's latest epidemic.
"Maybe that's not such a bad idea", she says cautiously as she sits onto the sofa. Ben shoots her a disapproving glance. "Just listen to me, Ben. In these times — knowing how to administer Naloxone – or one of the other drugs to counteract an opioid overdose — is like knowing CPR. You of all people know that anyone around us can have a heart attack. Similarly — anyone around us can potentially be an addict and overdose from an opioid. I see the effects of these drugs every day, Ben. It's devastating for families. You don't want Olivia and the girls to go through that."
"I'll get it for her – but I don't like the idea of Liv being exposed to this sort of thing – not now."
"Better safe than sorry, Ben."
Displeased there is a need to discuss such a matter, Ben stomps toward the kitchen. He is trying really hard not to blame his brother for putting Olivia in this position.
XXX
Olivia shifts Jolie in her left arm as she sets her purse onto the foyer table. Then, she walks up the hall carrying Jolie and the bag of groceries she bought to prepare tonight's dinner. She crinkles her brow when she hears Fitz and Cena singing that song from the Disney movie. She does not remember seeing an early dismissal scheduled for today on the school calendar. She wonders if Cena is ill and the school called Fitz to pick up Cena. She wonders why they did not call her.
:
:
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
Let it go (go, go, go go, go go, go go, go, go, go go)
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free
:
:
Let It Go, Idina Menzel
She stops in the entryway and quickly scans the kitchen where she sees Cena sitting on her knees at the granite island scooping flour into a large ceramic mixing bowl. She seems to have as much flour in her hair and on her face as she has in the bowl.
"Daddy - are you happy again?"
Fitz stops singing, turns away from the stove, and looks at his daughter's innocent face. Guilt washes over him. He has been so absorbed with his own feelings he did not consider the effects his behavior was having on his daughter.
"Yes – daddy is very happy. And you know why?"
"Why, daddy?"
"Because you're the best Princess ever and I love you more than anything. Never — ever forget that", kissing the top of her head and turning back to the stove.
"Never – ever, daddy."
"What's going on? Why is Cena home so early from school? Why are you home early from work?" Olivia asks with worry in her voice.
"So many questions, Mrs. Grant", Fitz says, turning from the stove with a huge smile spread across his face.
"Daddy picked me up from school and I didn't have to do arithmetic. I hate arithmetic", Cena says, poking out her bottom lip. Fitz knows that Cena thinks she hates arithmetic, but he tricks her into using it whenever they are cooking. He does not want his daughter to limit herself. He wants her to become a confident and independent woman just like her mother.
"She hates arithmetic", Fitz chuckles as he pecks Olivia on the lips and takes the grocery bag from her hand. Olivia squints at her husband, closely studying his face. Unlike last night, he is upbeat. She prays he is not high.
"Mommy, Mrs. Reston always smiles when she sees daddy."
"Is that right? Well — maybe mommy will have to pick you up from school the next time", watching Fitz walk across the kitchen and set the grocery bag onto the counter next to the refrigerator.
"We're having coke and ben, mommy – your favorite. Daddy said so", Cena continues to report.
"Coq au vin, Princess", Fitz corrects his helper as he takes a sleeping Jolie from Olivia's arms.
"Oh", Cena says, brushing hair from her face with the back of her hand, which only adds more flour to her cheek.
"Coq au vin? On a Thursday?" Olivia asks with surprise.
"Mrs. Grant — mother of my children —all of my children. You deserve coq au vin every night of the week", grinning as he pats her stomach. "Sit down — we have a little time before dinner is ready."
"I'm going to need 10 sprigs of thyme and one-and-a-half cups of sugar, Princess", walking into the family room to lie Jolie on the play mat.
"Okay, daddy."
Cena dips the measuring cup into the large jar of sugar and uses her safety knife to level off exactly one-and-a-half cups the way her father taught her. She dumps the sugar into the bowl then starts to count 10 sprigs of thyme.
"We're making dessert, too, mommy."
XXX
Olivia watched him closely all evening. He and Cena talked non-stop during dinner and he helped Jolie to slide spoonfuls of food into her mouth. After dinner he played on the floor with the girls before bath time. The light seems to have returned to his eyes and he is no longer tense. Her husband is back.
With the girls safely tucked into bed, Fitz walks down the hall to their bedroom, then continues toward the bathroom when he does not see Olivia. He leans against the door frame with arms folded across his chest and smiles when he sees his wife. She looks angelic with her hair pulled up into a bun and the flickering candles casting a warm, golden haze around her. He has had a lot to think about today, and he knows one thing for sure. Despite everything they have gone through as a couple, and everything they will go through, he will never love another the way he loves her.
"This is a surprise", he says with that irresistible, impish grin she will never tire of seeing.
"Come on in — the water is perfect", smiling as she beckons him to her.
He hurriedly pulls the tee shirt over his head, clumsily pulling down his sweatpants and boxers in one fell swoop. He kicks them to the side and Olivia pushes back against the bathtub, making room for him. He sits between her bent legs, stretching his long legs that fall short of the tub's length.
"Mmm — this feels good. It's been a while", leaning back against her breasts and resting his arms on her bent knees.
"It's been a while", she repeats.
"Goodnight Moon – three times tonight. I think Jo is beginning to understand."
"Maybe it's time to stop reading that book, babe. Start telling a different story."
"They still enjoy it, Liv. Besides, it's not about the book."
"It's about the book, babe."
"No — it's about spending time with the girls", he insists.
She sighs, deciding to drop the touchy subject. He is the one who still enjoys reading the story. She knows Cena would like to hear a different story.
"You and your sous chef outdid yourselves tonight - coq au vin. That's a lot of work for a week night."
"It's your favorite", kissing her knee.
"It is. What was Cee doing with all that sugar?"
"I was going to bake your favorite tart. It didn't turn out very well", he says with disappointment.
"Aww, babe - that's so sweet of you - since you don't really bake."
Olivia lifts the cut crystal tumbler from the tub deck and taps it against his shoulder. He turns and gives her a questioning look when he sees the cool glass which is half filled with scotch on the rocks.
"The Fitzgerald Grant I know always appreciated a good glass of scotch. Sip." He closes his eyes as the smooth, smoky liquid slides down his throat.
"You bought out the good stuff tonight. Are you trying to get me drunk, Mrs. Grant - take advantage of me?"
"Yes", dipping the natural sea sponge into the lavender-scented water.
"How are you feeling? How's my baby tonight?"
"Our baby is fine", squeezing the sponge and allowing the warm water to drizzle down his back. She slowly drags the sponge over the faint scar on his shoulder, a reminder of the surgery he had long before they were married. She forgot this is why he no longer fences.
"How's the nausea?"
"I feel queasy all day. And the smell of almost everything makes me want to puke. I just want to sleep all the time, Fitz."
"I've noticed - so has your mother - by the way."
"Did she say anything? Did you say anything?"
"No - of course not. We agreed. When is our appointment with Dr. Perry?"
"Next week. Sip."
"Ultrasound, right?" Enjoying the taste of his favorite scotch.
"Do you want to know the sex this time?"
"I do."
"Ah — so you don't want to wait another seven or so months to find out if we're having another girl."
"I'll be happy no matter the sex, Liv.".
"Liar", slapping the sponge against his shoulder.
"I'm —" They both look over at the open bathroom door when they hear the jingle of Bowtie's dog tags.
"Out", Fitz shouts, his voice reverberating against the slate and tile. Bowtie whimpers and looks at Olivia with his big brown eyes.
"Don't be mean, Fitz. You know he's harmless."
"He's taking too many liberties with my woman. You've spoiled him."
"He's just protective — like someone else I know", kissing the scar on his shoulder.
"Out", Fitz demands again. Bowtie turns and walks through the bedroom with his tail between his legs.
"Head back."
"I'm getting the full treatment tonight", tilting his head back and closing his eyes.
"The full treatment." She drizzles water over his head then squeezes a generous amount of shampoo in her hand.
"That smells nice", taking another sip of scotch as she massages his scalp.
"Lime and green tea. You like?"
"I like."
"Mhm", she mumbles as she turns on the hand-held show to rinse the shampoo from his hair. She massages the conditioner in his hair and he quickly slides under the water, and does not immediately resurface.
"Get up, Fitz. You're being silly." He laughs as he comes back up, swiping the water from his face.
"I love this tub, Liv."
"I know — you've told me once or twice", she says playfully.
He slides to the other end of the tub and sits facing her. He marvels how pregnancy is making her breasts full. Olivia stares at him. Her mind is racing, wondering why he moved to the other end of the tub.
"I don't want to move, Liv. I love this house — our home."
She tilts her head slightly, trying to understand why he is bringing up the seemingly out-of-the blue comment.
"My mind has been a battlefield these past few months — conflicting thoughts warring with each other."
Olivia folds her arms across her chest and eyes him closely.
"I can't pretend anymore. I don't want to pretend."
"Pretend about what?" She asks with a shaky voice.
"About who I am – what I want." She holds her breath and prepares for the worse.
"I don't understand", she says, trying to remain calm, but quaking internally. She does not want to vomit right now.
"My life — our lives — have changed so much. I never pictured this is what our lives would look like."
"What do you mean?"
"I moved back to Church Falls because I wanted to be near my family — settle down in the place where I grew up. I wanted to start my own family here."
She nods.
"I never saw myself getting into politics, Liv. Never wanted it."
"What? You never said anything. I thought — "
"I didn't want to disappoint you."
"What do you mean disappoint me?" She says with surprise.
"You were so hurt by the whole Marla scandal — devastated really. It killed me to see you so sad. I just wanted you to be happy again. I wanted my Livvie back."
"Fitz …"
"When I was approached to run for Marla's seat – you were excited — happy again. I just wanted to make you happy, Liv. My heart was never really in it."
She bites her fist, thinking about all the trials and tribulations they have endured since they got involved in politics. How could she not know her husband never wanted to run for political office?
"I need to do more than negotiate policy. I love what I do — what I did. And it's not about the money, Liv. Making deals — merging and acquiring companies energize me."
"You didn't say anything."
"I know. I should have — and that's on me." He stares at her for a while before entering unchartered waters. "I created a narrative — a story — in my head where I blamed you — resented you — for everything that is wrong in my life."
An audible gasp escapes her lips and tears well in her eyes.
"Hey - hey. Don't cry."
"How can I not cry when you tell me you hate me?"
"I don't hate you. I love you - more than anything — always will."
"How can you say you love me and hate me at the same time?" Brushing a wet hand over her cheek.
"I will never love anyone the way I love you. Never - ever forget that. But I have to tell you some things — things that will help us both — okay?" Nodding his head as he looks into her frightened eyes. She nods her head slowly, bracing herself for the worst.
"It happened in small doses - not speaking up here and there — until I felt like I had lost who I am. I've changed, Liv. Some days when I look in the mirror I don't recognize my own reflection. And that angers me — makes me want to explode."
Her eyes widen. "Babe ..."
"I've been trying so hard to do everything I thought would make you happy. I thought if I didn't — then …."
"Then what?" Anxiety filling her voice.
"Then you wouldn't want me – us – this life", spreading his arms wide. "You're so adamant about moving to the city. It's like our life isn't enough for you. And — honestly — I wasn't sure if the move was just about providing the girls more diversity."
Olivia crinkles her brow.
"You're strong-willed, Liv. You know what you want — always have. And I want to give you everything you want — but sometimes what you want conflicts with what I want. And it seemed like you didn't consider what I want. And that angered me because we are supposed to be in this together."
The melodic sounds flowing through the built-in speakers fill her ears, but she cannot seem to remember the name of the song. A myriad of thoughts swirl around in mind. She shifts her gaze from him and stare across the room at nothing in particular.
"This is not on you, Liv — it's on me. This is about me not feeling like I was enough for you."
Her heart is heavy as she listens to him expose his innermost fears, and she admires his strength and unabashed willingness to be vulnerable. Staring at his nakedness, she remembers what Avril said about shedding the skin of their old selves.
"I had to tell you, Liv. I was wrong to blame you for my insecurities. I'm sorry."
The apology is like a punch to the gut. It is unwarranted because he has not done anything wrong. She covers her face and the tears spill over her hands. Some wounds take longer to heal than others. Surface wounds like a bruise or scrape heal rather quickly. But deep wounds, when left unattended, can fester and become infected. To heal properly, deep wounds must be immediately dressed, kept warm; otherwise, there could be long-lasting consequences. Her old emotional wounds have not been properly tended to. They have not healed, and they are infecting her marriage, have been for a long time. Mirage was a just a small bandage that did not heal a much deeper wound.
"This is my fault", she says half to herself, as if she is beginning to realize a deep truth. He slides across the tub and peels her hands away from her face.
"Hey –hey, don't hide from me - don't cry. I'm all right - everything is all right. I'm not hiding — wearing a mask anymore. I've faced my fears." He kisses away her tears and she shakes her head from side to side, pulling away from his embrace.
"I did this to you — to us. I haven't let it go, Fitz. I thought I'd gotten over it — but I haven't. It's been standing between us all this time."
She sees the confusion in his eyes and inhales deeply. The bitter taste of lime and green tea fill her mouth.
"In the beginning – I didn't know how to love you – at least not the way you deserved. But you made me want to learn – you taught me. You were so patient."
Liv — "
"I told you everything about my parents – I didn't hold anything back."
He looks at her tortured face and nods slowly.
"All I ever wanted was for my mother to put me first – give me what she so freely gives to strangers. She thought making me independent was her greatest gift – but in fact it was her worst. She and dad always bragged to their friends at church about how resourceful their Livvia was – but I wasn't - really. I made a lot mistakes – fell down a lot. And she was rarely there to counsel me –– to show me the way —to tell me everything would be all right. You know – she was not there to talk to when I had my first menstrual cycle? I was so scared and I didn't know any of the girls at school to talk to about what was happening. I had to figure out so many things on my own."
"I know. I know", he says softly.
"I was so unprepared for life — which is ironic since mom spends so much time helping others to face the world. After a while I just got used to not needing them – not needing anyone – until you. But I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to love this man who had so much love to give and had no problem showing it anywhere and everywhere. You scared me at first", she says with a nervous smile.
He smiles slightly when he thinks about those days.
"You deserve so much better than what I've given you. I've been selfish — not paying enough attention to you - your needs. Abby is right – I push you – always testing if you really love me. Testing if you would leave."
"Livvie, I'm not going anywhere. I love you more than anything."
"My parents left me, Fitz – over and over – and they said they loved me. I've let this thing with my parents — with my mother — stand between us all these years. I am so sorry what I have done to you. Can you forgive me?" He caresses her face and his thumb slowly brushing away the tears.
"There isn't anything you could do that will stop me from loving you."
"Never – ever?" She asks with trembling lips.
"Never – ever", pressing his lips to her forehead. "You have to tell her, Liv. I had to put some things behind me and so do you. It's time to move on. Okay?"
She slowly nods her head and he stands, outstretching his hand to her. She smiles up at him and places her hand in his.
"Let's get out of this cold water", pulling her to her feet. She wraps her arms around his waist and stands on her toes, kissing him deeply.
"I love you for you. Never – ever forget that." He smiles. "Call Rheta tomorrow - tell her we won't be moving."
"Can you be okay with that?" Searching her face for any signs of regret.
"It's a beautiful house — but this is our home. This is our bathtub."
XXX
He has not fully transitioned from sleep to wakefulness, but he instinctually pulls her close after drifting apart during the night. Skin to skin, he nuzzles his face in her neck and cups her full breast. He inhales deeply; he loves her scent. He presses his lips to her neck and his hand slowly glides down her stomach, licking his lips when his fingers feel her soft, warm sanctum. He gently strokes her outer lips and she moans slightly. Now fully awake, he rubs his morning hardness up and down her butt.
"Liv", he says in low tone. "Wake up, Liv", his warm breath wafting over her ear.
"Hmm?" She moans, not yet awake.
"Wake up, Liv", he whispers again as he rolls on top of her. Semi-conscious, she is confused, unable to speak or make sense of what is happening.
"What are you doing?" Slowly opening her eyes. They stare into each others' eyes and he smiles.
"Trying to make love to my wife."
Holding his hardness in his hand, he slowly slides in and they both gasp. It has been a while. "I love you more than anything, Mrs. Grant", sliding his tongue in her mouth as he rides her nice and slow. She spread her legs and moves with him, slow and rhythmically. Needing to experience all of her, he slides down her body and spread wide her other lips. He inhales deeply and her uniqueness sends him into a frenzy. He glides his tongue up and down, loving taste of pregnancy.
"Delicious", he mutters, darting his tongue in and out then plunges in deeply. She grabs a fistful of his hair and lifts her hips.
"Oh god, Fitz", she cries out, trying to escape his unrelenting mouth. The sensation is unbearably exquisite.
He drapes his arm over her stomach, pinning her to the bed, not allowing her to move. She tastes so good. He suckles the swollen flesh until she quivers in his mouth, her legs tremble uncontrollably. He slides up the bed, kisses her tenderly as he slips inside. His body tenses. The feeling is near overwhelming.
"Livvie", he moans with pleasure.
She lifts her hips and presses her hands to his butt, pulling him in deeper. She knows what he likes. He thrusts faster, reveling in the glorious friction. He is in that other space, the place that is otherworldly. The place of eternal pleasure. Then he explodes, and the cries of pleasure escape his throat as his love flows deep inside. His ears are ringing. He is euphoric. The pent-up stress is released. He rests his head on her shoulder and for the next few minutes they lie in silence, their loud breathing filling the room as his body slowly returns to its normal state. Bowtie glances down the hall at the closed door from his bed outside of Cena's room.
"Hi", he says, looking deep into her eyes. He feels giddy and renewed.
"Hi", she says, returning the smile. "You're up early, mister. What time is it?" She asks in her raspy morning voice.
"Early", continuing to grin at her.
"Why are you smiling?"
"Because I've missed you – missed us. And I'm happy and I love you."
"I'm happy you're happy. But, babe – you have to let me up. I have to pee."
Limbs entangled in mess of Egyptian cotton and Belgian linen, Fitz rolls onto his back as Olivia crawls from the bed. He rubs his hand up and down his chest as he listens to the birds begin to sing. It is sunrise.
"I don't know how I made it through the night without going to the bathroom, babe. It seems like that's all I do is pee these days", she says crawling into bed and curling into his side. He pecks her on the top of her head.
"Maybe you should talk to Dr. Perry when we see him next week."
"What is he going to do, Fitz? It's just part of being pregnant", she says beginning to fall back to sleep.
"Liv. Wake up, Liv."
"Not again, Fitz. I need to sleep."
"Liv."
"What?" She whines. He is never this talkative after making love.
"I was thinking a lot today – yesterday - about Rev. Walker's sermon on compassion a few weeks ago. What was that quote from the Dalai Lama he mentioned?"
"Hmm?" Trying to keep her eyes open.
"The Dalai Lama quote. What was it?"
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
One Week Later
The hurried footsteps shuffling across the concrete floor, car engines starting, and horns blaring have no effect on them. They are in a daze, oblivious of all the sounds filling the underground parking garage of the Medical Arts Building. They have no idea how long they have been sitting in the same position since neither has the presence of mind to check their watch or the clock on the dashboard. Perhaps it has been an hour, maybe two. Maybe they have only been there for five minutes. Time seems to have stopped for them. The loud sound of a motorcycle careening from the parking garage finally shakes them from their haze and they turn and stare at each other. They open and close their mouths, but nothing seems to come out. They are dumbstruck. They turn their heads and look straight ahead again; neither is sure how to process the information.
"Are you all right?" He asks, finally finding his voice.
Olivia shakes her head from side to side, then up and down. She does not know what she is right now. The tears roll down her cheeks.
"Everything is going to be fine, Liv. We're going to get through this — together", trying to sound confident and reassuring. But, the quiver in his voice provides her little to no solace.
"What are we going to do?" Looking at him with fear in her eyes.
"What do you mean? I don't know." He says in an abnormally high-pitched tone he hardly recognizes.
They stare at each other a few more minutes then turn and look straight ahead - at the windshield.
"Twins", she says.
"Twins", he repeats.