Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong solely to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended

Chapter 5

The next day, my mom calls.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hi, bunny. Your father mentioned you're meeting Bella's dad and said you might need help choosing an outfit."

Okay. Let's get this over with—my mom calls me bunny. I guess as a little kid I used to really like carrots and looked cute as fuck when I ate them. Go ahead and laugh if you must, but deep down, I bet you're just jealous because you have some lameass nickname like champ.

"Mom," I say in the whiny voice I use only with her. "I'm twenty-years-old. I'm pretty sure I can figure out what to wear."

"Well, I was in town this morning, picking up kitty litter for Cat Sajak, so I stopped by Nordstroms and got you a few things."

"And how is old Lucipurr doing?"

What? The kitty is fucking evil.

"Bunny, be nice! He's doing fine. Actually, I'll take that back. He had an abnormally large hairball on Sunday." She tsks before continuing. "Anywho, I got you a couple of sweaters, two button-downs, and three pairs of slacks."

Slacks? What the hell?

"Why in the fuck did you buy me chick pants?"

"Edward Anthony Cullen! Do you need your mouth washed out with soap?" she scolds.

I tug my hair and mumble, "Sorry, Mom. It slipped out during the heat of the moment."

"I forgive you. Your father's the same way. He curses in the heat of the moment all the time, but it's usually in our bedroom."

My gut wrenches at the thought of my parents boinking, and I make an involuntary gagging noise.

"Are you all right, bunny? And what are you even talking about? I didn't buy you women's pants. I bought you slacks … three pairs in the shades of heather grey, navy, and biscuit."

"Biscuit?" What in the hell is she talking about now?

"Oh, bunny, they're the loveliest color. Not exactly tan and not exactly beige."

"Do they come with gravy?"

"Why would they come with gravy?" she asks in a puzzled tone before continuing. "They're the no iron ones … Haggar Brand. I read in People Magazine that Tom Cruise wears Haggars, and he's so hunky. Did you see the new Top Gun movie? Whenever I think about him in his uniform, it feels like I'm having a hot flash."

"Gross, Mom."

"Just because I'm married doesn't mean I can't appreciate a handsome man, and Tom is da bomb."

"Oh God, Mom. Stop. I think I'm going to bust a chunky."

"Are you sick, bunny? I knew this was going to happen. That's why I also got you a new coat. You can't go around any longer wearing that one with duct tape on it. People are going to think you're a hobo."

I groan. "No, I've already told you; I don't need a new jacket. Mine's fine, and the tape gives it character."

As soon as I hear her sigh, I know what's coming.

All aboard the Esme Cullen guilt train express.

"Well then, I guess I'll just take it back and keep worrying about you getting arrested for vagrancy."

And cue the waterworks.

She sniffles and adds, "You don't know how many times I've stayed up all night terrified you're going to catch that nasty flu bug the news is always talking about and all because of that holey coat of yours."

Damn it.

"Fine, I'll take the jacket."

"WTF, bunny! I'll mail everything out tomorrow."

"Mom, how many times have I told you WTF doesn't mean Wow, that's fantastic."

"I don't understand why not. It makes sense to me."

Instead of arguing with her, I ask, "Do you think you can make some snickerdoodles to send along with the clothes?"

"I already have two dozen cookies baking in the oven."

I do a fist pump and dance around the room; my mom's snickerdoodles are fucking fire.

"Make sure to share with Bella and that kind boy who lives across the hall. What's his name again?"

"Jasper."

"Yes, Jasper. Such a nice, young man."

AN:

This chapter is dedicated to Rob's coat. ;)

Up next, we meet Jasper.