Upon leaving Cartman's house, Seth headed for his own house to prepare for his night time outing. He entered his house and found both of his parents arguing in the kitchen.
"What are you doing talking to the school counselor?!" Chris exclaimed. "Why'd you answer the phone?!"
"Have you lost your fucking mind?! Our child felt the need to go talk to the school counselor." Kelly retorted. "Doesn't that bother you at all?!"
"So you told him the truth?" Chris asked.
"No, we didn't talk about that at all." Kelly answered. "He just offered to help Seth out with whatever problems he might have at school."
"You dumb bitch, you'll ruin everything!" Chris yelled.
"I don't have to listen to this from a stoned out pot head!" Kelly snapped back. "I need a drink!"
"Sure, drown your problems in Chardonnay, you stupid skank!" Chris shouted.
"Uh, guys?" Seth said, getting their attention.
"Oh hey, whippersnapper!" Chris greeted.
"Have a fun day out playing?" Kelly asked.
"Uh, yeah..." Seth answered awkwardly.
"Ha ha ha! Well, I'm exhausted." Chris laughed. "Gonna get ready for bed."
"Dinner's on the table if you want it, Seth. But then straight to bed, okay?" Kelly said, before turning to Chris. "Pot head."
"Alcoholic!" Chris retorted.
Both parents made their way to the bedroom. Seth went up to the dinner table in a rather sombre mood, due to the arguing from his parents. He took one bite of his dinner before leaving. Deciding that it was time to call it a night, Seth went up to his bedroom and started to turn in for the night. Just then, Kelly opened the door to bid him a good night, appearing drunk with a wine bottle and glass in hand.
"Sweetie, I just want you to know that... whatever happens... mommy always loved you." She told him.
"...I love you too, mom." Seth replied, smiling a little bit.
"Goodnight sweetheart." Kelly said before she turned the lights off and closed the door.
Seth laid upward on the bed, waiting for the right time to carry out his next mission. Eventually, the town began its nightlife.
Night time. That's when the creeps come out. But unfortunately for the creeps, the other thing that comes out at night, is a Coon.
Once it was late enough, Seth woke up and changed into his superhero costume. After undoing several locks on the door, he left the house. Just on his doorstep, Seth found someone waiting...
"Aha!" The voice of Scott Malkinson exclaimed, startling Seth.
"WAH!" Seth yelped.
"Fear not! For it is I, Captain Diabetes!" Scott, otherwise known as Captain Diabetes, announced.
"Scott Malkinson?" Seth said, recognising him.
"Yes! A mild-mannered gentleman with the power of diabetes at his control!" Captain Diabetes explained. "I used to be a simple elementary school student, but then one day, a freak science accident turned my diabetes into superhuman strength!"
"Ah, so your character's a bit like the Hulk?" Seth asked.
"A little bit, yes." Captain Diabetes answered. "Alright, sidekick, we're supposed to go investigate a girl who might know the location of the missing cat. Follow me!"
Seth complied and followed Captain Diabetes. The two approached Stan's house, and there, they found a drunk Randy with a beer bottle on his hand, scratching Sharon's car with some keys and talking to himself. This revealed that it was actually him who was keying her car the whole time.
"Fuckin' bitch! Let's see how you like this!" He yelled.
"Mr. Marsh, seriously?" Seth asked, utterly confused.
"Huh? Who the fuck are you two little people?" Randy drunkenly asked.
"I am Captain Diabetes and this is my faithful sidekick!" Captain Diabetes answered, introducing himself and Seth.
"Oh, okay. Well, move outta the way, huh? I need to go buy some more beer." Randy declared.
"I'm sorry, but Captain Diabetes cannot let you drive!" Captain Diabetes stated.
"I'm fine to drive, okay? Get outta here!" Randy replied.
"I'm not sure you really are..." Seth disagreed.
Deciding enough was enough, Captain Diabetes snatched the car keys from Randy.
"Hey, gimme my keys!" Randy snapped.
"You are in no condition, sir!" Captain Diabetes retorted.
"I'm fine, okay?! Look, wait... look, look, I'm fine, okay?" Randy said, staggering. "Gimme my keys please."
"No you're not. This is depressing." Seth said.
"I'll return them tomorrow." Captain Diabetes added.
"GIMME MY FUCKING KEYS, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Randy screamed before a fight began.
"Mr. Marsh, please calm down. You're clearly not well." Seth said, trying to reason with him.
"Take care, sidekick." Captain Diabetes warned. "Even debilitated, this is a dangerous foe!"
"I'm not de-bil-erated! I'm just jovial!" Randy replied.
"What are we gonna do, Scott?" Seth asked.
"We must save this citizen, from himself!" Captain Diabetes declared, as he proceeded to attack Randy.
"Hey! I almost spilled my drink!" Randy exclaimed.
Realising there was no other way out of this, Seth did the same.
"Why you gotta disrespect, bro?" Randy complained. "I thought this was America! Isn't this America?!"
"You really need to sign up for AA, Mr. Marsh." Captain Diabetes suggested.
"Yeah, seriously." Seth agreed.
"Hey, you kids want me to pick you up some candy from the store? Just gimme my keys." Randy offered.
"No thank you, I have diabetes." Captain Diabetes replied.
"And I have plenty of candy in my house." Seth added.
"Hey, I think I dropped my keys. Anyone seem 'em?" Randy continued. He seemed to be so drunk that he was forgetting why this was happening.
"I have confiscated them, sir." Captain Diabetes explained.
"Gimme my goddamn keys!" Randy yelled.
"I'm afraid that's impossible." Captain Diabetes refused. "I'm keeping your keys, and that's final!"
"We could all go to the store together." Randy suggested. "You... you drive!"
"We will not break the law, sir." Captain Diabetes denied.
"Yeah, we're not 16...or whatever the legal driving age is." Seth agreed.
"Wait, why are we fighting again?" Randy asked.
"I have made a citizen's arrest of your keys." Captain Diabetes answered.
"I need my goddamn keys to get beer, motherfuckers!" Randy protested.
"This is precisely the problem, sir!" Captain Diabetes argued.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but this is for your own good."
Eventually, the duo successfully defeated Randy, subduing him for the time being.
"I'll get those keys right after this short little nap." He said as he fell asleep on the floor.
"Good night, Mr. Marsh!" Captain Diabetes declared as he and Seth continued their journey to Kyle's house.
"Alright, sidekick, we have a job to do!" Captain Diabetes stated as they approached Kyle's house.
"For sure, but why are we going to Kyle's house?" Seth asked.
"There's a shortcut through Human Kite's base." Captain Diabetes answered. "Go on in."
They soon entered the house, making their way to the attic.
"Where is Kyle anyway?" Seth wondered.
"Kyle is off on another mission right now." Captain Diabetes replied. "We're on our own, sidekick. It's up to us to get to the bottom of this!"
At the top floor, the used his Snap-n-Pops to bring down a ladder, which led to the attic.
"This'll probably do the trick." Seth said.
"Nice one, sidekick." Captain Diabetes said in response, praising Seth.
They both soon after reached the attic, which was also Human Kite's secret base. While clearing the path to lead them to the rest of the base, the two had a conversation.
"Hey, Cap. Captain. Scott, sorry, Diabetes. Malkinson. I gotta say, although you're a part of Coon & Friends like me, I've never seen you with the other guys." Seth said.
"Well, that's because I'm a new recruit to the Coon & Friends. I just joined the team earlier today." Captain Diabetes explained.
"You did? No offence, but how come I have to be your sidekick if we're both newbies?" Seth asked.
"The Coon probably just saw more potential in me than you?" Captain Diabetes guessed.
"Of course he did, the fucking asshole..." Seth muttered. "Never mind, dude. What else can you tell me about your superhero persona?"
"Farts make me angry. The Coon says it's because my mom farted when she gave birth to me, and that's why I have diabetes." Captain Diabetes explained. "I don't think that's why I had diabetes though. I think it was a gift. To help fight crime."
"Eh, seems pretty accurate." Seth replied. "Where's the shortcut you were talking about?"
"The shortcut is through that window!" Captain Diabetes answered as he pointed towards it. "I don't have my own secret base, but if I did, at least I'd clean it before I knew I had super-guests coming over."
"Well, it's good to know that you're a neat and tidy person, I guess." Seth replied, as he started moving a ladder, allowing them to access the top platform.
"He couldn't even set up the ladder for us. Jeez." Captain Diabetes complained as the two made their way to the top.
"Well done, sidekick! This shortcut will take us right into the heart of downtown South Park." He continued.
"Cool... It looks pretty high up though, I gotta admit." Seth confessed, possibly alluding to a fear of heights.
"Come on, sidekick. Do not be afraid. I'll be there with you." Captain Diabetes said, reassuring him.
Seth relented, and both superheroes grabbed a zipline each and slid down.
"The fearless hero and his sidekick descend into the dark night, ready to strike down evil and bring peace to the city." Captain Diabetes said, apparently narrating the current events.
"Wait, Scott, are you narrating right now?" Seth asked, noticing this. "That's such a superhero cliché, dude."
"...Maybe." Captain Diabetes confessed before abruptly changing the subject. "You don't think people get diabetes 'cos their moms farted during childbirth, do you? I feel like Coon made that up to make Captain Diabetes feel insecure about himself."
"Yeah, well that's The Coon for you, man..." Seth replied, convinced that The Coon did lie about it.
They finally landed on the ground, just outside the South Park Bank, which was also covered with lava for some odd reason...
"As you can see, sidekick, at night time, South Park is quite a different place." Captain Diabetes explained. "We've got to get into the Peppermint Hippo. To the town square!"
As they reached the town square, they were obstructed by a porta potty, with a long line of people waiting to use the potty.
"Well, this is gonna be a bit difficult..." Seth pointed out.
"If only there was a way to disperse these citizens blocking the road." Captain Diabetes added.
"Any ideas?" Seth asked.
"I've got it! My diabetic rage will do just the trick!" Captain Diabetes declared, as he drank a carton of apple juice. "Oh my god, here it comes... That's so much sugar..."
Captain Diabetes soon went into a rage, and flipped the potty over, shocking not only Seth, but also a few citizens.
"Holy shit, dude!" Seth exclaimed.
The potty is now leaking brown stuff, probably wet poop. As for Captain Diabetes, he was now exhausted.
"Oh god, it's too much... Need insulin... Need insulin fast..." He said as he took a jab of insulin, healing him. "Ugh... And I am back to normal!"
"You okay, man?" Seth asked, looking concerned.
"Of course, sidekick! You have seen how masterfully I have learned to control my diabetes!" Captain Diabetes answered. "Follow me this way!"
The two superheroes continued their path to the Peppermint Hippo, arriving to the entrance.
"Here it is. Here's where we're going to find the girl." Captain Diabetes stated.
"You think our parents are gonna be pissed when they find out we've gone to a strip club?" Seth jokingly asked.
"Most likely, sidekick. There are sure to be unsavory characters and lots of boobies inside." Captain Diabetes answered.
"I bet Kenny would love to go to a place like this, knowing him like I do." Seth replied, mentioning Kenny's perverted nature.
"Probably. Come on, let's go inside." Captain Diabetes stated as they entered the strip club from the main entrance, finding a bouncer inside.
"Hey, beat it, kids. Twenty-one and over only." He ordered.
"Stand aside, citizen! It is I, Captain Diabetes!" Captain Diabetes announced. "Me and my sidekick must speak with the ladies inside!"
"Hey, I don't give a shit what you're here for! There's fucking sweet hot tits back there, and you're too young to see 'em, so fuck off!" The Bouncer retorted.
"Hmm, what to do?" Captain Diabetes wondered.
Without thinking, Seth tried to throw a Snap N Pop at the Bouncer, only pissing him off.
"All right, you fucking asked for it!" The Bouncer declared as he stood up throw the both of them out.
"Oh shit..." Seth said, realising he screwed up.
"Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!" Captain Diabetes panicked as they were both thrown out through the front door. There would be no titties for them.
"Okay, that was definitely my fault. My bad." Seth admitted as he and Captain Diabetes stood back up.
"It's okay. We can't force our way in, sidekick." Captain Diabetes replied. "It seems we'll have to use our brains instead of our brawn."
After a brief while of looking, Captain Diabetes found a secret passage.
"Look at this, sidekick! A way in!" Captain Diabetes said, pointing to the window just above the trash bin. "All we need is a path up there!"
Seth used a Snap N Pop on the window, knocking down the trash bin.
"Great detective work, sidekick!" Captain Diabetes praised. "'Now we just need a way up there!"
"I... I think this is your queue, man." Seth mentioned. "Go ahead with that Diabetic Rage thingy you did earlier."
"Oh, of course!" Captain Diabetes accepted. "Stand aside, sidekick!"
With another sip of apple juice, Captain Diabetes went into another diabetic rage, flipping the phone booth onto the trash bin and creating a path. As always, Captain Diabetes recovered with some insulin.
"Are you sure you're okay, dude?" Seth asked. "You don't look so good."
"I'm fine, sidekick, don't worry about me." Captain Diabetes said weakly. "After... after you."
Seth went through the window, and ended up in the male toilet. Captain Diabetes joined him soon after.
"We made it! Our girl must be this way!" Captain Diabetes deduced, as they both left the toilet, and found themselves in the bar at last.
"Okay, we made it inside the strip club." Captain Diabetes said as he looked around at the rather buxom ladies. "Wow, there ladies are really, uh... moving."
"Yeah... Is it shameful for me to admit that I kinda have a boner?" Seth asked.
"Well, if you do have a boner, don't freak out over your hormonal desires, sidekick." Captain Diabetes advised. "We're superheroes. We can handle this. One of these ladies has information about the missing cat. But who?"
The two heroes considered their options before Captain Diabetes had an idea.
"There's only one thing we can do. We have to pick someone and take them to the VIP room." He decided.
"Wait, what? You mean like a prostitute?!" Seth asked in shock.
"I'm afraid it's the only way, sidekick." Captain Diabetes confirmed. "Find someone and meet me there."
Captain Diabetes walked off to find someone, while Seth attempted to go around the bar looking for the right person as well.
"Uh, hello? Anyone here looking for a private lap dance?" Seth called out.
Nobody paid attention to him though, so his attempts were to no avail. Realising that this wouldn't work, Seth returned to Captain Diabetes.
"Hey, sidekick. No luck, huh?" Captain Diabetes asked.
"Nope! Did you find anyone?" Seth asked in return.
"Yeah, I found a couple of guys." Captain Diabetes answered, as a couple of VIP Johns approached them. "Remember to just play along!"
"Hey, you two girls ready to party?" One of the guys, Roger asked.
"So, this is your friend, huh? She's fucking hot as fuck." The other guy, Brad added.
"Uh... Thanks?" Seth replied awkwardly.
"That's right. Wouldn't you like to take her to VIP?" Captain Diabetes offered.
"I dunno, she's kinda short..." Roger doubted.
"Hey! What do you got against people of diminutive stature?!" Seth retorted, feeling offended.
"Yeah, besides, I like 'em short." Brad added. "I'll take shorty, you take the one with the speech impediment."
"Come on, let's get some dances." Roger declared.
"I was thinking we could just go in there and talk for a little while." Captain Diabetes suggested.
"Yeah, first we get dances then we talk." Brad replied.
"Oh, okay." Captain Diabetes accepted as the VIP Johns headed to the VIP Room. Seth and Captain Diabetes briefly stayed behind to have a quick conversation.
"Am I really that short?" Seth worried. "Am I gonna grow up to be a midget like Tom Cruise?!"
"Don't worry about your height complex right now, sidekick." Captain Diabetes replied. "Let's just go in there and get these gentlemen to talk."
Captain Diabetes headed into the VIP room, and Seth entered afterwards. Inside, Captain Diabetes was shown going a lap dance to Roger, with Seth and Brad sat on the other side of the couch.
"So, have you gentlemen ever had dances from a girl with a penis tattoo?" Captain Diabetes asked.
"Hey, we didn't come back here to talk, baby." Roger replied.
"But we need information about certain stuff, and this girl might be the key to all of this." Seth pleaded.
"Yeah, tough shit. No talking until you finish grinding on our chubs." Brad refused.
"Oh, all right!" Captain Diabetes complied, turning to Seth. "Okay, sidekick, you know what this means..."
"Oh God, is it what I think it means?" Seth asked in disgust.
It meant a Lap Dance Mini-game. Seth reluctantly took his position on Brad's right thigh.
"I am never gonna live this down..." Seth admitted as he started dancing.
As Seth danced, he let out farts very frequently. Eventually, he stopped dancing and farting on Brad after three rounds.
"Okay, chat time." Captain Diabetes announced.
"Chat time? Aww man!" Roger whined.
"So, what kind of work do you guys do?" Captain Diabetes asked. "And have you ever danced with a girl here who has a penis tattoo?"
"Why do you keep talking about a stripper with a penis tattoo?" Roger asked.
"Because we're looking for her." Seth answered. "Do you remember her name? Anything that could lead us to her?"
"Yeah, yeah, Classi! That's her name!" Brad replied.
"Her name is Classi?" Captain Diabetes asked.
"Yeah, Classi with an I, and a little dick that hangs off the C which fucks the L out of the A-S-S." Roger answered.
"Of course! Hence the tattoo!" Captain Diabetes said before turning to Seth. "We have the name, Fart-Lord! Come on!"
"Hey, you finally addressed me by my superhero alias!" Seth said in delight as the two prepared to leave.
"What are you talking about? This is the worst VIP experience ever!" Roger complained.
"Yeah, all I did was get farted on!" Brad added. "You ain't goin' nowhere!"
"Aha! We are no ordinary strippers! We are... Captain Diabetes!" Captain Diabetes announced.
"Uh... And Fart-Lord; Legendary Outlaw!" Seth added.
"...What?" Roger asked, utterly confused.
"My sidekick and I simply used our powers of disguise to extract information from you!" Captain Diabetes stated.
"Yeah! We got yo' asses!" Seth added. "This was all a part of our plan!"
"You won't get away with this, Captain Diabetes and Fart-Lord!" Brad declared as a fight broke out in the VIP Room.
Seth and Captain Diabetes ended up having to fight both of the VIP Johns, eventually defeating both of them.
"See the manager if you have any complaints about your lap-dance experience at the Peppermint Hippo, gentlemen." Captain Diabetes commented.
"Yeah. The Coon & Friends hereby bid you..." Seth added.
"Adieu." Both of them concluded before high-fiving each other.
"Great work, Fart-Lord!" Captain Diabetes said. "Now let's get back to the main floor!"
They left the VIP room and headed back into the main room to look for Classi.
"How are we gonna find this Classi chick?" Seth wondered.
"Allll right, guys, hope you're havin' a good night out there. Be sure to tip your waitresses and maybe buy a drink for the DJ." The DJ of the strip club, DJ Hippo said. "Next up on the main stage we've got a little bit of hot sauce comin' up your way. Let's give it up for Esmeraldaaaa..."
"That's it! The DJ calls the bitches' names, and then the bitches come out of that back room." Captain Diabetes surmised. "Fart-Lord, we need to find a way to distract the DJ."
"Okay, but how should we do that exactly?" Seth asked.
"I got it. Gin and tonic always make my mom pass out." Captain Diabetes claimed. "If we can make one and spike it with something really strong, he'll be out for sure.
"That's a good idea, Captain!" Seth replied.
"Thank you! Now go make that drink, sidekick!" Captain Diabetes ordered.
"Righto!" Seth retorted, borrowing one of Pip's sayings.
Seth quickly went off to retrieve the...interesting ingredients for the recipe.
"Got the ingredients! These look revolting enough!" Seth declared.
"Excellent work, sidekick! Now to craft this concoction!" Captain Diabetes stated.
"Don't worry, I have just the thing for that." Seth claimed, as he opened the Crafting app and crafted the concoction, placing it onto the floor.
"Hm, I wonder if it needs one more thing." Captain Diabetes wondered. "Do you think it's gross enough to knock the DJ out of commission?"
"I dunno, but just in case..."Seth said, as he let out one fart into the drink.
"Oh God... Oh God... FARTS!" Captain Diabetes snapped, breathing heavily for a while and surprising Seth due to his sudden outburst.
"Uh, are you okay, Scott?" Seth asked.
"I'm sorry you had to see that, sidekick, but nothing in this world makes me more angry than farts. It awakens the deep-seated rage that I harbor within me." Captain Diabetes answered.
"That sounds very weird, I'm not gonna lie." Seth admitted.
"I know." Captain Diabetes agreed. "I wish it didn't have to be farts, but that'll definitely take the DJ out long enough for us to call out Classi."
"Alright, I'll go give him the drink. Wait here until he's gone, then we'll go take his place in the booth." Seth said.
"Will do, sidekick!" Captain Diabetes complied, as Seth picked up the drink.
He then made his way to the DJ station and passed the drink to the DJ.
"Hello, good sir! I understand you was requesting a drink?" Seth said as he offered it to him.
"All right, someone finally bought the DJ a drink! That's really nice of you..." The DJ said before he took a sip on the drink. "That went down really good. The DJ sure does appreciate it... "
He then groaned in pain, clutching his stomach. Whatever was in that drink must have been disgusting.
"Uuugh... Oh, oh man, I think someone farted on my drink, guys. I'll be right back. Be sure to tip your waitress." He stated as he hurried off to the bathroom.
Seth snickered a bit at this little prank as Captain Diabetes approached him in the booth.
"Great work, Fart-Lord! Wow!" He said as he took over the station.
"All right guys, put your hands together. Be sure to tip your waitress. Things are about to get a little bit hot on the main stage. Please welcome... Classi!" He announced in a voice mimicking the DJ.
But no one came out from the back stage. Captain Diabetes looked over to Seth, who shrugged in response. This prompted Seth to try his hand at DJ'ing.
"Uhh, that's right, guys, let's get her on out here! That's Classi with an I and a little dick that fucks the L out of the A-S-S! Give it up for, Classi!" Seth also announced, trying to impersonate the DJ.
There was still a dead silence in the bar. Just then, Classi popped out from behind the curtain and turned to the DJ station.
"Ay, what you callin' me out for? I ain't on stage yet." She said, before realising something was amiss. "Wait a minute, you ain't the DJ."
"That must be her, Fart-Lord." Captain Diabetes deduced.
"Freeze, bitch!" Seth exclaimed, pointing at Classi.
"Aw shit, it's 5-0! Cops are here!" Classi exclaimed as she ran back behind the curtain.
"After her!" Captain Diabetes ordered as he ran ahead, chasing after Classi.
"Hey, come back here!" Seth yelled as he too chased after Classi.