Chapter 6: The Softer Side of Strength
"I'm so bored lying here all day, Yuuri!" Victor complained, frowning at the remains of his breakfast and setting it on the table beside the bed.
"What are you making such a fuss about?" Yuuri chided him, "It's still morning. You haven't been in here even half the day yet."
"I know, but I'm not used to lying around all day and doing nothing. At the very least, I could watch you skate or something."
"No way," Yuuri said firmly, "Let me remind you that you fell off of a moving horse yesterday and not only did you scare ten years of my life away, you got a concussion. You should really be lying in a hospital bed today. The only reason you're not is because Doctor Enatsu probably figured you'd try to sneak out of the hospital if she didn't let you go. And if we're honest, she's absolutely right about that."
"I'm starting to think that you know me too well," Victor chuckled, "because that's exactly what I would do and then Yakov would scold me to within an inch of my life."
Victor paused and a sad look overtook his usually cheerful face.
"Not that him scolding me ever did a bit of good. I just did what I wanted to anyway."
Yuuri regarded him quietly for a moment, then slipped a hand into his. Even though his smile continued to remain absent from his face, the Russian's body relaxed a measure and he let out a little sigh.
"You miss him, don't you?" Yuuri asked solemnly.
"I do," Victor admitted, looking out the window for a moment, "I told you, I was a throwaway child, Yuuri. I was from a poor family that didn't want me. If I hadn't been noticed to have some talent skating, I would have just stayed in the orphanage until I was of age to leave. I only left because I was talented enough to earn government funding for my training at the skate center, and I only had any kind of family because of Yakov. You know, he saved me from a predatory coach who probably would have taken advantage of me as soon as I presented as an omega. I wouldn't have gotten where I did without Yakov's protection."
"Yeah," Yuuri sighed, "I feel bad that you left because of me."
"You shouldn't," Victor reassured him, "It was my choice to leave Russia, and even though I miss Yakov, and even though he won't even speak to me, I know I couldn't have done anything else."
"Why not?" Yuuri said, covering his face with his hands and rubbing for a moment before letting his hands drop, "Because I bit you and…?"
"That wasn't the reason I came here, Yuuri," Victor said firmly, "Remember that I knew from the beginning that you were Yume's father and I knew I was bitten. I still didn't come here. What made me come here was seeing that my impression of you had been wrong. I thought you were disgusted by my lies and by what I really am."
"No!"
"I know now that I was wrong about that. As soon as I saw you skating my program, I knew. And knowing how I'd misjudged you, I felt bad that you hadn't had a chance to even know we were going to have a child. I knew that telling you was going to hurt you, but I felt it was only right for you to know. I also needed to find out more about the person who is my alpha."
"You don't need an alpha, Victor," Yuuri snapped softly.
"That's not for you to decide," Victor argued, "At the very least, I need to follow through on what I said when I arrived here. I plan to coach you through this season. I am going to see you through the Grand Prix Final and while we're working on that, we'll get to know each other…much like I wish that we'd gotten to know each other before the night we made our daughter."
"You talk about that like you just think we would have chosen to be together," Yuuri said, shifting to get more comfortable on the bed, "You don't know that we would. After all, why would someone like you want to be with someone…"
He broke off, shaking his head and sighing.
"Someone like me," he finished sadly.
"That's not a question you should even be asking me," Victor chided him, "Yuuri, I think you and I both have the same exact problem."
"Huh?" Yuuri huffed, "Oh, you mean me."
Victor's head tilted and he gave his alpha a measured look of disapproval.
"Neither one of us really knows you, Yuuri," he answered sternly, "I think we need this time, preparing for the Grand Prix Final and getting a better idea of who we are…apart and together."
"And you think we'll learn this by skating together?"
"I think that skating is, and has long been, our best form of communication. When you skate, not for a competition, but just for yourself, more of who you are comes out. It's the same with me. I feel the most like myself in the early morning darkness on the ice before anyone else is there. It's when I'm most creative. We need to make the most of our skating time to open up to each other and begin to trust one another. Only then can we know where this will lead."
"Well," Yuuri sighed, "I guess you do have a point there. Right now, I feel like a lot of what I thought I knew about you was wrong. A lot of what I thought was true about me was wrong. I feel like the monster I never wanted to be…but you sit there and tell me that's not true. I don't know what to believe about myself, about you…about anything!"
"Then, just give yourself time, Yuuri," Victor advised him, "Skate with me, make the free skate program with me. You'll learn a lot about yourself in the process. Trust me, this is for the best."
He reached up with one hand, brushing his fingers against the gold skate charm at Yuuri's throat.
"It is the best way to honor who we are, and what Yume's short life meant. After all, she did bring us together, Yuuri."
Yuuri's eyes closed tightly and a look of intense discomfort overtook his face. Instantly, Victor leaned over and pulled him into a firm embrace.
"I just wish I could feel something besides guilt and sadness when I think about her!" Yuuri managed, sniffing, "You're sad too, but it seems like you found reasons to be happy when she was inside you."
"I did," Victor agreed, "because I had time to do that. Time you haven't yet had. I was scared at first, but when that scared feeling went away, I really fell in love with her. I treasured her. You can do that too. She was a very special little girl who is still making a difference, even though she's not here anymore. Let's do our best to be the kind of people who would have made her proud to be their daughter, Yuuri."
"Y-yeah," Yuuri agreed, rubbing his eyes, "Okay. I promise, I'll do my best."
"Good, then we should go…"
"Uh-uh, no way!" Yuuri snapped, stiffening and pulling free of his smirking omega, "You are staying in this bed and letting me take care of you today."
"What about tomorrow?" Victor asked.
"You aren't going to set foot on the ice for a week, just as Doctor Enatsu said."
"A whole week? I might as well just stop breathing right now," Victor complained, "I'm going to die if I can't skate at all. Can I at least watch you skate?"
"No!"
"How am I supposed to coach you if I don't watch you skate? After all, you're not injured, so you should be training after today."
"Then I'll train. Takeshi can help out with my stretching and prep and you can watch on your cell phone. I'll take the laptop with me."
"It would be much better to be able to see you and advise you in person."
"If you go down there, you're just going to end up skating when you're not supposed to."
"Now, Yuuri, you're not being fair," Victor whimpered.
"You wanna talk to me about being unfair?" Yuuri argued, "When you have everyone wrapped around your finger and doing what you want all of the time?"
"Well, you don't see me getting out of bed now, do you?" Victor countered.
"You two look like you're getting on well," Hiroko chuckled, walking into the room.
She picked up Victor's abandoned breakfast tray and set down fresh hot green tea.
"Would you like anything else to eat, dear? It doesn't look like you ate much this morning."
"Sorry, I wasn't very hungry," Victor sighed, "I'm more restless than anything."
"Hmm," Hiroko said, reaching over to feel his forehead, "You look a little flushed. Are you maybe a bit feverish?"
"I don't think so," Victor laughed, "Yuuri just has me a little flustered. That's probably it."
Yuuri's face instantly turned beet red and he made a little sound of dismay.
"Well, just let me know if either of you wants anything," Yuuri's mother chuckled, heading back out of the room.
As soon as Hiroko was out of sight and hearing, Yuuri leaned over and put his hands on Victor's face and forehead.
"You know, maybe she's right. You do look kind of flushed. Do you feel all right? Is there something that will make you feel better, Victor?"
Victor shrugged and shook his head.
"If I can't get out of bed, then I don't know what to do. I hardly sit still for two minutes mostly."
"Yeah," Yuuri said, smirking, "big surprise there…"
"When I was living in Russia, I was always having to be somewhere for an interview or training or something. At first, it was because I needed to establish a reputation and build an audience for my skating. Then, it was to keep everyone looking at me and trying to guess at what I would do next. Even if people like you and your skating, it's important to keep yourself present in your fans' minds, Yuuri."
Yuuri gave a little amused chuckle.
"I don't think you've ever had a problem doing that," he commented wistfully, "It seems like you don't have to try much at all to get people's attention."
"Maybe to this point, but I am getting old for a skater," Victor sighed, "You've probably already noticed. Once you pass twenty, the talk begins…softly at first, but with each passing year, it gets louder, until all people really want to talk about is when you're going to retire."
"No one is saying that you should retire, Victor," Yuuri argued, "Don't tell me that you don't know exactly how shocked everyone was when you took a break to come here."
"Of course I know," Victor said matter-of-factly, "and in a way, it is working in my favor that my coming here did cause a stir. Now, instead of talking about when or if I will retire soon, my fans are curious. They are wondering why I took a break, why I ran away to Japan, and they are also wondering who you are that I would take such an interest in you."
He laughed softly at the little, muted yelp that escaped Yuuri at the very thought of having so much attention focused on him.
"Trust me, Yuuri," Victor went on, "the tension that's built up is only going to be good for both your skating career and mine. We just have to keep everyone guessing."
"Huh, that's not so hard to do when half the time I don't have any idea what you're up to. You know, I think I'm beginning to appreciate what a good person Yakov is to take on a troublemaker like you."
Victor gave his alpha a sad smile.
"Yakov knows that sometimes that best talents are the ones with high spirits that other trainers avoid because with that talent comes difficulty. Some trainers think it's worth it and others would rather train easier talent. It's lucky for me and for Yurio that Yakov thought we were worth it."
"Yeah?" Yuuri sighed, his eyes softening wistfully, "You know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think you take after him…after Yakov."
Victor's eyes widened and blinked in surprise.
"You…really?" he stammered uncertainly.
"Yeah," Yuuri affirmed, his smile warming, "because someone like you could be training anyone he chose, but you're not doing that. You're here, training me…and that makes me really happy, Victor. I'm so glad you came to Hasetsu!"
"Me too," Victor confessed, leaning over to hug him tightly.
The two young men parted and sat looking at each other quietly for a moment, then Victor smiled and laced the fingers of one of his hands together with the Japanese skater's.
"Yuuri," he said more solemnly, "I think that since we have the opportunity now to slow down and take things more gradually, maybe we should keep our focus on your skating. After all, that is why I came to Hasetsu. While it is true that you are my alpha and technically, I already belong to you, we can just agree to leave that for now and really grow to know each other. I think both of us are a little afraid of the pressure of taking on our roles in any kind of physical relationship, so…"
"B-but, what about your heats? I mean…you can take the pills now, right?"
Victor nodded.
"I think you'll still be somewhat aware when I would be having them and it could make you suffer a bit, but…"
"But neither one of us is ready for dealing with that yet," Yuuri concluded.
"Right," Victor agreed, squeezing his hand, "so…your skating."
"Mmhmm."
"I think you have the Eros program well in hand. For that, you can keep working on…"
"The quad salchow," Yuuri supplied ruefully.
"Yes," Victor sighed, rolling his eyes, "although it really isn't necessary at this point…"
"I'm leaving it in," Yuuri insisted stubbornly.
"But it's better to…" Victor began.
"I said, I'm leaving it in!" Yuuri countered, scowling, "I can do it."
"I'm not saying you can't," Victor argued, "I'm just saying that early in the season it is beneficial to…"
"No."
"Yuuri!"
"I said no, Victor!" Yuuri snapped, tugging his hand free and standing.
"Hey, who is the coach here and who is the little piggy who made me come halfway across the world to him with his seductive dancing?" Victor shouted, "If you want me to be your goddamn coach, then you have to at least pretend to listen to my advice, or otherwise, why the hell am I even here?"
Victor broke off, staring as Yuuri's face took on a worried look.
"What?" the Russian asked impatiently.
"Well," Yuuri answered hesitantly, "it's just…you're supposed to be resting and getting better. You really got hurt and it's not good for you to be getting all worked up like that. You might pass out or something."
"Well then, stop biting my head off every time I try to advise you," Victor chided him, "It's okay for you to disagree with me, but at least listen to what I say and give it some consideration to it before ignoring it."
"I don't ignore everything you say," Yuuri argued, "I took all of your criticism about my prep, about how to perform the moves, how to work with the music to tell the story. For god's sake, I literally spent years trying to do everything exactly like you."
"That was fan worship," Victor reminded him, shaking his head, then wincing as a small, sharp pain flashed through it, "This is serious. I want for you to have the best season and to surprise everyone when you win the Grand Prix Final."
"Me too," Yuuri said, gripping the hand that held his and looking squarely into Victor's agitated eyes, "We're going to get there, Victor. I promise I will work hard and I will make my coach and everyone else proud, but right now, I need you to lie back and rest. You can't coach me if you don't take care of yourself, especially after your injury."
"Yuuri," the Russian skater whimpered, frowning, "being in bed is boring!"
"Hmm," Yuuri muttered, thinking quietly for a moment.
Victor made a sound of surprise as Yuuri grabbed the television remote off of the nightstand and scooted closer, so that he was pressed up against the Russian skater's side. He pressed several buttons and smiled at Victor.
"I should insist on you sleeping," he chided the elder man, "but it probably wouldn't do any good, so we'll just have to watch a movie together instead. I know you don't know a lot of Japanese and I don't know much Russian, but we both know English, so we can choose an English language move to watch."
Victor grinned.
"You'll stay just like this?" he snickered, watching Yuuri blush as he turned his head to rest his chin on the top of the Japanese man's head, "For the whole movie?"
"Can I get up and make some popcorn and get some drinks for us first?" Yuuri chuckled.
"I don't know," Victor teased, smirking, "This is pretty comfortable."
"I'll be right back. I promise. Just…why don't you at least try to rest a little bit while I go and get everything, okay?" Yuuri pleaded, wriggling free of Victor's clingy hands.
"Yuuri!"
"I'll be right back."
"All right," Victor sighed resignedly, "Don't be gone too long."
"I won't."
Victor watched with bored eyes as Yuuri hurried out of the room, then immediately slipped out of bed and onto unsteady feet. He set one hand on the bed and worked his way around slowly, pausing when dizziness struck, then moving on until he reached the bedroom window. He gazed out quietly at the gently falling rain.
"You just can't stay in that bed for a minute if someone's not watching you, can you?" Mari chided him, walking into the room to join him.
"Did Yuuri send you to scold me if I moved or something?" Victor chuckled, still looking out at the rain.
"No," Mari said, smirking slightly, "I just saw him heading for the kitchen and figured it wouldn't take you long to be up and out of this room, disobeying doctor's orders to go and do what you want."
She looked more closely at the hint of sadness in his eyes and frowned.
"What are you doing anyway? Is something wrong?" she asked.
"Oh…no," Victor reassured her, "nothing is wrong, really. I was…just thinking."
Neither noticed as Yuuri appeared in the doorway behind them.
"It's just so different here."
"Here, as in…Japan?" Mari inquired.
"Well, yes," Victor answered softly, "but it's also different living in Yuuri's family. I've explained to Yuuri how I was a throwaway child. I was in the care of the Russian government from when I was a baby until my talent was noticed and I was sent to live in the dormitories at the skating center. Yakov and Lilia tried to make me feel like part of their fucked up family, and I appreciated that, but it wasn't like this. I never had someone who mothered me and people who fussed over me the way that you do."
"What are you talking about? You got famous when you were like sixteen, right?"
"Yes."
"And you were surrounded by adoring fans and other skaters."
"I was," Victor agreed, "and there were good people, devoted friends. I wasn't unhappy or anything. It's just that…when I got older and moved out of the dorms, it was just Maccachin and me. He's good company and we made our own little family. Still, I was missing this and not knowing what it was exactly that I was missing. I felt like something should be there and it wasn't. I had no idea what to do with those feelings, because I grew up thinking that I was better off alone. I was strongest on my own, not depending on anyone."
"And now?" Mari prompted him, "What do you think now?"
Victor sighed and closed his eyes against the rising throb in his head.
"I think I'm happy and sad at the same time," he confessed quietly.
"You're homesick?" Mari asked, "You miss Russia?"
"I do, but…if I go back, I'll be missing this place and all of you. Still, I do have these next months to figure things out. I'll just have to focus on training Yuuri and see where it leads me."
"That sounds like it's for the best."
Yuuri saw the two starting to turn around and ducked back out the door.
"Now, you should let me help you back into bed before Yuuri gets back and has a fit when he sees you out of bed."
"Right," Victor sighed, allowing himself to be herded back to the bed and tucked in.
He bit his lip, hiding a guilty smile as Yuuri re-entered the room empty handed and Mari made a quick exit.
"I thought you were bringing food and drinks," Victor mused, "Did something change your mind?"
"No," Yuuri answered, climbing onto the bed and cuddling up next to him, "Mom just told me to get back in here and make sure you were behaving yourself and she would bring the food and drinks."
"I hope she's bringing some more of that great sake."
"No sake for you," Yuuri said firmly, picking up the remote and beginning a search of the available movies, "You can't have it while you're taking the painkillers, remember?"
"Ugh, right, I forgot," Victor said, deflating slightly.
"C'mon, help me pick a movie. What do you like best? Adventures? Drama? Not scary movies, right?"
"Oh, I don't know," Victor chuckled, moving closer to him and nuzzling his cheek while Yuuri blushed brightly and dropped the remote, "You'll hold me if I get scared, won't you, Yuuuuuri?"
"Stop it!"
"Sorry, I couldn't help it."
"Do you see anything you want to watch?"
"Are there any movies of you skating naked?"
"No!" Yuuri snapped, smacking him on the arm.
"Ow!"
Victor flinched and whimpered at even the little impact and Yuuri's eyes flew open wide.
"S-sorry! Sorry, I forgot your head hurts. I'm really, really sorry."
"Ugh, my head is feeling achy and I feel kind of weak, Yuuri," Victor complained, leaning against Yuuri more heavily.
"Oh my god, should I call the doctor?"
"Hmm," Victor sighed, burrowing into Yuuri's shoulder, "no, I think I'm all right here."
He loosed a puff of warm breath on the Japanese skater's neck as Yuuri picked up the remote and promptly dropped it again.
"Victor, please can you stop that?"
"Stop what, Yuuri?" the Russian asked, giving him a blank look.
Yuuri bristled and Victor laughed.
"You idiot!" Yuuri snapped, "Stop doing that or I'll just leave and go find something else to do while you rest."
"Oh, don't do that. I was just teasing," Victor soothed him, "I'll stop, I promise."
"Okay, I'll pick a movie and you can just watch and fall asleep."
"Can I fall asleep on your shoulder?"
Yuuri gave him a side-eyed glance.
"As long as you stop teasing me and you rest!"
"All right, my alpha," Victor purred.
Yuuri stiffened.
"And don't call me that…ever."
"But…?"
"Just…don't."