The insane tales of MLP
chapter 23
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"Okay yugiohfan and Jaxnaut, where am I?"
This came from a certain mercenary as he looked around a dark forest. He walked around and...
"And then I found a Smokin Hot Babe with Massive Tits!"
"NO! A massive pack of Timberwolves came!" shouted yugiohfan.
"You sure it's not a Bunch of Sexy Anthro Timberwolves?"
"NO! Although that is a Good idea. YF Add that to Spike's Gals." Jax-Naut says.
As yugiohfan put that down, The Timberwolves surrounded the merc with drooling maws, thinking they found easy prey.
"Oooooh, these types of Timberwolves...WAIT! ARE YOU ASSHATS TELLING ME I'M IN A MY LITTLE PONY STORY!"
"Yup, now get to killing." spoke yugiohfan.
"Fine." Deadpool drew his twin katanas with a grin under his mask. "Alright pooches, time for your neutering."
Three Timberwolves charged at him. "Aww, I always wanted a Puppy!"
He brought one blade down and cut one of the beasts' front legs while slicing the second one in half down the middle. "Oops. Did I Do that?"
The third roared and leapt at him just as he crouched down and jumped up while slamming his fist into the creature's head.
"TAG YOU'RE IT!"
It went flying as he saw another lunge at him.
"Here! Go fetch boy!" he pulled the pin off a grenade and chucked it at the wolf.
Due to its instincts the Wolf caught it and blew up.
"Alright, who's next?" he asked the rest while posing like he was in a western movie.
The Wolves growled.
"How 'bout you pilgrim?" he sounded like a lame John Wayne impression pointing at one of the Timberwolves.
It jumped at Him. Deadpool ducked under the beast and slammed both fists against its stomach. "HADOKEN!"
It went soaring while Deadpool looked at the last one with his fists on his hips. "Time for my finishing move." He Pulled out a Large Bazooka out of His pocket. "SAY ELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" He pulled the trigger and a Bang flag appeared.
The Timberwolf tilted its head before Deadpool chucked the weapon to the side. He reached into his Pocket and pulled out a Toothbrush.
Now the creature was really confused.
"Time To Die!" Deadpool ran at the creature.
The wolf charged at Him.
He brushes the Wolf's Teeth and It explodes.
"All in a day's work." he grinned putting the toothbrush away.
"Exploding Toothpaste, never leave Home without it!"
He took a moment to stretch out his limbs before walking down a path in the forest. Until he made his way to Ponyville "You asshats are Lucky that I Find pinkie Pie to be Awesome!"
He walked through the town with a sway in his step as the ponies looked at him in confusion.
"Okay, this is weirder than the Time Screwattack had me Fight Deathstroke in a Death Battle. No wait, that was awesome, what's weirder than This?"
"Um, who are you?" asked Twilight who noticed the odd being walk by her.
"Who, Me? Well I'm the Handsome, the Awesome, the Badass, the Alpha male, the alpha and the Omega, the omelet, the Orange juice, the Drop Dead Sexy, The always everyone's favorite Anti-Hero and on some occasions Superhero, the always Fun lovin, the world's only Ninja Spiderman, the Ultimate Underdog the..."
"DAMMIT WADE! JUST TELL HER WHO YOU ARE!" Jax-Naut screamed.
"Fine! The name's Deadpool."
"...OoooooKay."
"And you princess bookworm who became an alicorn, which pissed off alot of fans for some odd reason, right?" he asked back.
"What?"
"Twilight Sparkle?" he clarified with a bored tone.
"Yes that's me...wait, how do you know my Name?"
"Because you're a lot of Bronies waifu." he replied looking up the info on his phone.
"Bronies? Waifu?"
"Ah, cute and naive Twilight." he spoke patting her head. "You have much to learn."
"..."
"I'm hungry, got any grub around here?"
"Uh, yeah. Go down this road and you should reach one of the restaurants."
"Thanks Twily."
He walked down the road while Twilight rubbed her head. "This is gonna be a headache."
Deadpool spotted the restaurant and sat down at one of the tables.
A waitress came up to him. "Uhhhh sir, may I take your order?"
"Sweetheart, I'll take a bloody mary and you on the side." he spoke with a brooklyn accent.
"Uhhhhhhhhh What?"
"Shaweetheart I'll take a mango ice Tea, Shaken not Schtirred...Schtirred, that how he said it? Shtirred. Why're you shtill Here?"
The mare looked completely baffled, but wrote down what she understood and walked away.
I am So BORED!' He tapped on the table and spotted the mare coming back with his order.
"Here you are sir, enjoy."
"Thank you." he pulled his mask up a little and took a sip. "Ahh Refreshing." Then he threw the glass on the ground, shattering it. "Refill please."
The waitress brought out another glass.
"Glad to see someplace knows how to ask for a refill." he grinned accepting the glass before looking at the audience. "This action has been brought to you by Thor the movie, GO WATCH IT!"
The others looked at him in confusion.
Deadpool downed his drink before standing up. "Thanks for the drinks, but I gots to Go!" He sprinted off before the owner could stop him to pay for the drinks.
'I love a Good dine and Dash!'
As he ran, he spotted a certain dragon peeking in a boutique. 'Oooh, looks like Spike is Peeking at Rarity's Rare Jewels!'
Deadpool quietly walked over and leaned over Spike. "Whatcha doing?" he whispered in the dragon's ear.
"Ahhh! Who're you?"
"Name's Deadpool kid, professional doctor in romance!" he declared.
"Really!"
"Yup. Even if I tried to get Wolverine to bang a moose. I still think it would have worked." he muttered the last part.
"What?"
"Nothing. Now let the expert tell you what you gotta do." he crouched down near Spike. "Whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper."
"Why Are you whispering?"
"BECAUSE THIS VOLUME'S VERY ANNOYING!"
Spike put his claws over where his mouth was and made sure Rarity didn't hear them. Luckily she didn't.
"Now, first you gotta know her body. Stare at that flank." he ordered.
"What?"
"DO NOT QUESTION ME!"
"Okay, now what?" he asked looking directly at Rarity's flank.
"Absorb how soft and firm it looks like."
"Okay, doing that Now."
"Alright, now I want you to go in there, smack it, and say this: Hey babe, why don't you and me see how strong your bed is?"
"Alright, I'll do it!" Spike stood up and walked to the door with confidence while Deadpool watched from the bushes.
Spike did what deadpool said, but...
*SLAP*
"HOW DARE YOU!"
Spike rubbed his cheek as Rarity walked away and up to her room. "That didn't work."
"Well if it helps, I gave the same advice to Peter and he got slapped just the same." replied Deadpool patting his back.
"...Okay?"
"Not to sorry, in this universe, you've got tons of mares to go with! Unless you're gay, in which case you're choices are gonna be much lower."
"Oh Ha Ha, very funny."
"But which one? Hmm." Deadpool tapped his chin looking around. "How about her?"
"Derpy?"
"Yeah. With eyes like that, you know one is looking at your junk."
Spike rolled his eyes.
"Well other than Rarity, who else did you go nuts for?" he asked.
"Hmmmmmmmmm."
"Come on man! Yugioh fan wrote a whole series of you getting girls! Not one of those catch your eye?"
"What?"
"Just tell me a name, and I can get you and her rocking the bed by sunset."
"Well there is Lyra and Bonbon."
"Ooh two. Alright, let's go!" Deadpool picked Spike up and ran into town.
He took him to the house of Lyra and Bonbon. He repeatedly knocked on the door.
Lyra opened the door. "Oh hey Spike, what brings you here?"
"Uh, well this guy didn't give me much choice." he spoke pointing to Deadpool.
"S'up."
"Well, you wanna come inside?" she asked.
"Sure." Spike and Deadpool walked inside. "Would you like something to Eat?"
"Nah, we're good."
Bonbon shows up. "Oh, hey Spike. Who's your friend?"
"This is Deadpool."
"Yo."
"It's nice to meet you."
"Yeah, but I gotta talk with Spike, can we get a room to ourselves?"
"Sure."
Deadpool dragged Spike into an empty room and shut the door.
"Okay, what're doing in here?"
"This time I know just what's gonna work?" he grinned under his mask.
"And what's that?"
"First get them in one room with yourself, I'll do the rest."
"Alright." Spike walked out and saw that Lyra and Bonbon were in the same room as him.
"...I said in the SAME Room as him!" shouted Jax-naut.
"Uh? Oh right." Deadpool threw the magazine he was looking at and pulled out a grenade with a picture of a horny mare on it. He chucked it into the room.
The grenade landed in between Spike and the mares. They looked at it just as pink gas started seeping out of it.
"Hey, This may sound weird, but does anyone else feel Horny?" Spike Said.
"Yeah." Lyra spoke feeling her body getting warmer.
"Same here." Bonbon said.
Deadpool grinned and slammed the door shut and started hearing the sounds of Spike and the mares kissing. "And So the Truth Floweth Forth."
He walked out of the house with satisfaction. "Another job done." he said, but then he saw Derpy looking Sad. "Why the long face?"
"I have No Pony to Love me all because of my Eyes."
"What? That's crazy. Every brony loves ya."
"I don't know what that Means ,but no pony in Ponyville would want a Marefriend like me!"
"That's not true. What about that stallion named Dr. Whooves? Aren't you two an item?"
"No, he's My Brother in Law."
"Ooooh, this is awkward for fans."
Derpy started Crying again. "I guess I'm just destined to be Alone."
Deadpool frowned and crouched down near her height before pulling her into a hug. "Hey now don't Cry. Tell you what I'll help you."
"Really?"
"Yup."
"Great!"
Deadpool picked her up with her pointing where her house was.
"Nice place."
She nodded before dragging him to her bedroom as the door shut.
"Nice bed, soft and plush."
"Thanks." she smiled nuzzling against his neck. Derpy Pulled the curtains up.
"I never did it with a horse, but there's a first time for everything." Deadpool muttered to the audience.
Over the next 4 Hours, Deadpool was making Derpy happy. Her house shook a little while passing ponies tried to keep walking.
After 5 Hours of Rough Sex, they stopped. We now find them under the sheets with Derpy frazzled and snuggling on Deadpool's chest.
"Now That was a New experience!" Deadpool said.
"Was I good?"
"Amazing!"
She smiled and kissed his cheek.
Deadpool got dressed. "Catch you later babe."
"Bye Wade!"
Deadpool walked out of her house with a swag in his step. "This has to be the Best Story I've ever been in!"
But he stopped when he saw a certain pink pony. "Ooooooh it just got better!"
Pinkie stiffened up and slowly turned her head.
"She saw Deadpool."
"I know I can see him! He's right there!" she yelled to the sky pointing a hoof at the merc. She Ran towards him.
"And I Ran towards Her."
Both eventually met in the middle.
"PINKIE!"
"DEADPOOL!"
They hugged each other.
"IT'S PARTY TIME!" They Screamed. Both ran into Sugarcube Corner and up to Pinkie's room.
For the Next 25 Hours they rutted like no tomorrow. By the time we go inside the room, it was covered with whip cream, chocolate, banana, cupcakes, and a llama.
"That was The Best Thing to ever happen to me!" Pinkie Said.
"Woo, that was intense!" Wade got out as they took the chance to catch their breath.
"Wanna Go again?"
"Alright, but let's try this." he reached over the bed and picked up a watermelon.
"Ooh Ooh and This!" She picked up a Lampshade.
"Now we're talking."
Over the next 34 Hours they Rutted some more and this Time they did some weird and Freaky Shit that we shouldn't Mention on the Internet.
By the time it was over, the Cakes had to line the outer hallway with air fresheners to get rid of the smell from their rutting.
"That was even better a Second time!" Pinkie said.
"You said it." replied the merc while smoking a cuban cigar.
"Again?"
"NO!" The cakes screamed.
"If I knew banging a horse was this good, I'd do more beastiality."
"Same here only for Humans."
"Well this has been epic, but I gotta go drive the others nuts. Enjoy the taco." he said putting his suit back on.
"Okay thanks!" Pinkie took a bite out of the taco as Deadpool jumped out the window.
"Now who's Next? Hmmm Maybe I'll go bother..." He turns to the Readers. "HA! I'M NOT TELLING YOU! YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR PART 2! SO TILL NEXT TIME T-T-T-T-T-T-THAT'S ALL FOLKS!" He closes the Screen down before he lifts it back up "It's gonna be Rainbow Dash!"