Chapter Four: Speaking Out

An hour after breakfast Harry found himself in the small office of his new therapist. She was a woman in her early thirties, and she seemed extremely nice. She had talked with Remus and Sirius alone for a bit, then she and Harry had made their way back to her office. Harry was terrified. Sure, she seemed perfectly nice, and logically he knew that he had been through some pretty horrible things that probably warranted therapy, but it didn't make him feel any better about it. She is going to want me to talk…. And then if she makes me talk she is going to realize I am crazy and lock me up… or make me talk about things…. Things Harry did not want to talk about. He sat stiffly in the chair she had offered him.

"Alright" She said with a warm smile "I know we met out there, but I'll introduce myself again. My name is Lou, I've been working in this office for almost six years, and my job is specifically to help kids who've been through some hard stuff." She offered a soft smile. "I love animals, and I was a hufflepuff. And I want you to know that what we talk about here is confidential. The only time I would tell anyone else is if you are hurting yourself, or I think you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else, okay Harry?"

Harry just nodded stiffly, joke is on you, I'm not going to talk about anything.

She conjured some hot cocoa and offered him one. "And I know it can be really scary coming to a place like this, because you don't know what is going to happen, or what we might talk about. So, if you ever need a break you just tell me, or raise your hand like this. And then we will take a break okay?"

Again, Harry nodded.

She smiled softly. "Is there anything you want me to know about you? Or anything you want to say?"

Harry just stared at the ground. He knew what she was doing. He knew that Remus had told her he wasn't talking, and he wasn't going to start just because she pretended she didn't know.

Lou smiled and took a sip of her hot cocoa. "Okay, that's alright if you aren't ready to talk, Harry. It can be hard to talk, especially if you haven't done it in a while. I am not going to try and force you to talk in here, okay? And if you do decide to start talking, we can talk about whatever you like at first, okay?" After receiving a nod she turned to her side and pulled out some paper and a pencil. "I have something I'd like to show you. Do you think you'd be up for learning a spell?"

This caught Harry off guard, he hadn't expected to be allowed to use magic here. But he was curious so he nodded eagerly.

"Great! This is a spell you can put on paper so that only you can read what is written on it. Watch." Lou demonstrated the spell, speaking the enchantment "verbum scriptum evanescet" and then wrote with a black marker on the piece of paper in front of her. Harry watched in awe as he saw the writing disappear as it was written. "Then, if you want to show someone what you wrote, you can say this and run the wand over just the words you want to show and say, verbum scriptum videtur " She ran her wand over the sentence she had written to reveal 'I like hot coco' written in black. "And only the person who casts the spell can reveal the words."

They spent the next twenty minutes practicing the spell. It was difficult, because Harry wasn't speaking, and because he had to use Lou's wand. But eventually he got it. "That's awesome Harry! Good job." Lou smiled and pulled a small journal out from the bottom shelf of her bookshelf. " Alright, now see if you can do it for this."

Harry took the journal and looked at it for a moment before casting the spell. Once he was done he tried to hand it back to her but she shook her head.

"No, that is for you to keep. See that small number zero down at the bottom right corner there? That counts the amount of time the owner spends writing in it. That is your homework for this week. I want you to take that home with you and try to write in it for thirty minutes. Then bring it back next week and we will see how you did."

Harry looked at her in panic, I can't do that.

Lou sighed "I know it's hard Harry, writing can be scary when you have a lot of things going on in your head. No one can read it but you, and you need to get it out somewhere. And if writing is too daunting for you then you can just doodle in it for thirty minutes, I won't know the difference."

After the therapy session Harry, Sirius, and Remus headed to Hogwarts to check in with Poppy. Harry was exhausted when they arrived, and he was on the verge of a panic attack. Remus and Sirius stayed on either side of him and quickly guided him to a cot once they made it through the floo. Poppy heard them coming and walked up smiling, when she saw them she turned back and returned with a small vial. "It's a calming draught Harry, It will help."

Harry looked at her hesitantly. If I open my mouth I am going to vomit. He thought in a panic. But he looked at the concerned faces around him and slowly lifted the vial to his lips. It took a few minutes, but eventually he could feel it taking effect.

Poppy smiled when he started to relax. "There, is that a bit better?"

He nodded without meeting her eyes, he wouldn't exactly say it made him feel calm, it just made everything feel a bit more dull, and hazy.

"Alright, this shouldn't take too long… Do you want Remus and Sirius to stay while I change your dressings?"

Harry wouldn't meet their eyes. They are going to find out eventually, Poppy is going to tell them. So it was probably easier this way. He half nodded and half shrugged. Poppy smiled slightly obliviously and walked away to gather her supplies. When she returned she asked Harry to take off his shirt.

Harry took a deep breath; the calming draught was helping but it hadn't been too strong. Slowly he pulled off his shirt, staring stubbornly at the ground. He knew that Sirius and Remus were trying not to stare at him.

TW: Self harm references

Remus took a deep breath, this was the first time he had seen Harry undressed. He could count each of his ribs. Scars and bruises covered his skin so much that Remus couldn't find an unmarked area. But the real shock was when Poppy started to pull off the dressings.

The cuts on Harry's arms were still open, and oozing with puss. Even Poppy gasped. At first no one spoke, then, after glancing at the other two adults, Poppy asked in a very sad voice. "Harry, have you been picking at these?"

At first Harry tried to shake his head, shame was creeping up the back of his neck and he knew they knew he was lying. So he nodded. You wouldn't let me cut! It's your own fault, he thought angrily. But the guilt nagging at him wouldn't let him believe the words. They're going to hate me… They shouldn't bother trying to help, I'm too broken.

Poppy sighed and excused herself to retrieve an antibiotic potion.

End TW

Remus just stared at Harry for a moment, unsure what to say. He had been naive enough to think that Harry had just stopped cutting when they told him too. He was trying not to be mad at the teen, but he didn't trust himself to speak. I should have known better, how many times did Sirius promise James and me that he was going to stop. How many times did we make him give up his blade, only to find him covered in blood again? Was I really so naive to think it would be different just because we're adults?

Sirius saved him. "We still love you Harry. I know it's hard to stop. We are going to keep helping you, okay, it will get better."

Remus couldn't have been more thankful for Sirius at that moment. He didn't know where he got the strength to stay positive, but he didn't question it either.

Harry just sat there, the silence ripping him apart. He couldn't meet their eyes, I wanted to die.

Eventually Poppy returned and re-wrapped his arms. "These are infected Harry. I know it's really hard, but you need to leave them alone and let them heal. If we can't get the infection under control you could end up in the hospital." Then she turned towards Remus and Sirius. "I think it would be best if you change the dressings each day, and if they start to look worse you need to bring him back. You can wash them with warm water and soap, then put in this ointment. Making sure he is getting enough protein would help too."

Remus nodded "okay, is the infection very serious?"

Poppy sighed and glanced cautiously at Harry. "Well, because you haven't been eating too well Harry, your immune system isn't working at its best. And your body is under a lot of stress as it is. If you eat well and stop picking at them they should heal up nicely in the next two weeks or so. But if you don't it could become serious, you could get an infection in your blood."

Remus nodded and took the ointment. "Thank you Poppy, we will let you know if anything changes, and we'll be back in three days."

Poppy nodded and stepped away. Harry moved to put his shirt on while Remus and Sirius followed Poppy, speaking quietly to her. Once he was ready they headed out of the hospital wing.

"Sirius and I need to speak with Dumbledore." Remus explained as they passed the floo. Then he gave Harry an uncertain look. "Maybe we could see if Severus could sit with you while we talk..."

Harry shot him an angry look and rolled his eyes. I'm not four, I don't need a babysitter! They're just worried I'll hurt myself if they leave me alone for a second. But deep down Harry knew they were probably right to be worried.

Sirius balked at the idea of sending Harry to Severus, but eventually Remus won. They headed to the dungeons and found Snape in his lab behind his classroom. Remus explained their situation quietly while Sirius entertained Harry by making faces and muttering jokes about Snape under his breath. Once Snape had agreed Remus and Sirius promised to be back as quickly as they could, then used Snape's floo to get to Dumbledore's office.

Harry stared at his potions teacher guardedly. He knows… they told him, they told him everything. Ugh, I hate him, why did they have to tell him?

Snape looked back at him awkwardly. He clapped his hand together, which made Harry flinch. "Oh, sorry... I didn't mean to startle you. Well um... I was working on a potion, but we could go have a cup of tea if you like..."

For a moment Harry just stared at him. Snape is being nice, he is being nice because he knows what happened to me... What uncle Vernon did... It made Harry want to hurl. He shook his head.

Snape regarded him carefully for a moment, then nodded. "Okay... I guess I'll keep working on this potion then. You can sit if you like..."

Harry took one of the stools offered to him. He crossed his arms and stared past Snape. He might have to sit here but he didn't have to pretend to like it. That was one of the nice things about people knowing he was crazy, he didn't have to pretend anymore.

Snape started working again, and after a few minutes of silence he spoke up, keeping his eyes firmly on his potion. "Harry, I want to apologize for the way I have acted towards you. I have been horribly unkind to you, and I regret it very much. And not just because of what has come to light recently, I am sorry that that is what it took for me to realize how horrible I was being. I don't expect you to start trusting me, but I want you to know I will try and make it right, however I can." He paused with what he had been chopping up to add to a cauldron. "Remus and Sirius may have told you, I have a lot of experience helping children who have been abused. And I pride myself on being very good at spotting it. I should have noticed what you were going through sooner, the signs were there and I missed them."

Snape chanced a glance up at the teen, and Harry finally met his eyes. Harry saw real regret there, and so he nodded his head. He still didn't like him, but he didn't want to see him blaming himself either. Enough people blamed themselves for what had happened.

Snape nodded awkwardly. After a moment he cleared his throat. "Ummm, would you like to help me with this potion? I can't let you use the knife... But I could tell you about what I am doing. It might be helpful for your studies."

Harry gave a small smile and nodded.

Snape nodded too, and started to narrate what he was doing. Harry was sitting on a stool not too far from him, and he enjoyed watching. It was nice to think about something other than his situation for once. That was one of the things he had liked about school, it kept his mind off things.

Snape soon felt more at ease, he actually enjoyed teaching, and Potter seemed to be listening, even if he wasn't absorbing it all.

Once he finished with the potion he had been working on, a simple healing potion for Poppy, he started to gather the ingredients for his next task. "This potion is a little more complicated. It requires some rare ingredients and it is very easy to mess up so you have to be very careful when you make it." He laid the ingredients so that Harry could see them. "This is everything you need except..." Snape mentally tallied up what he had in front of him.

"A dragon scale"

Snape had been so busy trying to figure out what was missing he didn't realize what had happened for a moment. "Correct, a dragon scale!" He was halfway to the cabinet when he realized it. Harry had spoken! He took a breath and forced himself to stay cool. "So, you've guessed what we are making then?"

Harry had been more surprised than Snape was. For a moment after Snape asked the question he just sat there. Snape wasn't really anyone important, but he would tell Remus that Harry had spoken. And Harry couldn't say he was making it up without talking. He could still refuse to speak... But somehow, he knew the jig was up.

"Yeah," he said slowly, his voice coming out hoarse and scratchy "it's the dreamless sleep potion."

Snape nodded and smiled. He had a dragon scale in hand now and was starting the process of brewing. "We haven't learned that potion in class yet, in fact I don't teach it in any of the classes... How did you learn it?" He asked cautiously

Harry shrugged and didn't respond. He may be talking again but he wasn't going to give up that easily. Snape didn't push him, but he continued to ask him questions about the potion as he worked. Harry answered them, he knew he was giving himself away a bit, but he wanted to keep Snape talking about what he was doing. And it was fun to see the puzzled look on his instructor's face when he answered correctly each time.

Eventually a silence lulled. Snape broke it, and when he did he was very careful in how he spoke. "Harry, you seem to really enjoy potion making... Would you like to come here for an hour or two, maybe every morning? I could teach you some more potions, and after a bit maybe you can even make some things for me. You don't have to if you don't want to. But I know you've been having a rough time, and sometimes it can be nice to have something to look forward to."

Harry nodded eagerly. He couldn't believe he was agreeing to this. He hated Snape. But he had a feeling Remus and Sirius weren't going to let him be alone at all after today, and getting out of the house for something other than therapy might be nice.

Snape smiled at the teens eagerness. "Okay, I will have to talk to Remus and Sirius and make sure that they are okay with it. But as long as they are, you can come."

Upstairs Remus and Sirius were having a much less productive conversation with Dumbledore.

"What it comes down to, Albus, is quite frankly... You don't need to know." Remus was trying to stay calm as he argued with his former head master, but he was getting awfully sick of the man trying to tell other people how to live their lives. "I know Harry means a lot to you, and we appreciate your concern, but he deserves his privacy."

Albus scoffed, "I am his headmaster. I am just trying to help!"

Sirius rolled his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time. "And if this were any other student in Hogwarts would you even think of asking these questions? Wanting to talk to them?"

Remus held up a hand to his friend, seeing that he was getting worked up. "What we are trying to say is that Harry has had a very difficult life. And when he rejoined the wizarding world there were a lot of adults who wanted to care for him. But because there were so many people we missed this. No one asked the important question because we assumed someone else would. And Harry suffered. That boy has never had a set of good parents to care for him, not since James and Lily passed. And now he finally has us. We will tell you if we need your help, but we need to protect Harry's privacy."

Dumbledore looked a bit dumbfounded, and for a moment he said nothing. "Can I at least tell the order?" He pleaded

Remus sighed "we will inform them of Harry's new living arrangements and our guardianship of him. That is all they need to know." With that he stood, and with Sirius following closely behind they disappeared through the fireplace.

Once they were back in Snape's lab Remus followed Severus into the office on the side of his lab while Sirius and Harry floo'd home to start making lunch.

Remus sighed as he plopped into one of the chairs Snape offered. "Was Harry alright? I'm sorry to surprise you like that but we had to speak with Dumbledore and I didn't want Harry to overhear it."

Severus nodded and offered him a cup of tea. "Yes, Harry was fine. We actually had a good time. I take it that the conversation with Albus did not go as well as you had hoped?"

Remus shrugged. "He is just so stubborn. He wants to help, but he is poking his nose where it doesn't belong."

Severus nodded. "He does that, trust your instincts though, Albus means well... But he always has an agenda, and it isn't always Harry's best interest."

Remus raised an eyebrow at this, but didn't question it.

After taking a sip of his own tea Snape broached the reason he had asked Remus to stay. "I have never been good at small talk, so I am just going to say it. Harry spoke to me today."

Remus nearly spit out his tea. "He did? What did he say? How did you get him too talk?"

Snape held up a hand to silence the other man. "I don't really know. I don't know if Harry even knows why. I was telling him about the potion I was making and I was trying to remember which ingredient I had forgotten. He knew what it was and told me. I think it surprised him as much as it did me. I didn't make a big fuss about it. He didn't speak much after that. But he would answer questions I asked him."

Remus spent several minutes trying to process this information. "That's amazing! This is a huge step!" After a while he calmed down and Severus continued. "What really shocked me was actually something else though. Harry is smart."

Remus rolled his eyes "Severus I know you didn't like the boy but surely you weren't that blind. Harry has always been intelligent. He is very clever."

Severus shook his head. "That's not what I mean, I didn't mean to sound like I had thought he was slow or something. I believe that Harry is smarter than he lets on. The potion I had been making was one I don't teach even in advanced potions. There is no way he learned it in my class. And every question I asked him he got right. He seemed very cautious about answering though. Not like he wasn't sure, like he was hesitant to let me know he knew."

Remus shook his head "that doesn't make any sense, why would he pretend he knew less than he did?"

Snape shrugged, "that's a question to ask Harry. But for now, I wouldn't push it. If he doesn't want us to know he is bright then he has a reason. Which brings me to the real reason I wanted to talk to you. I would like to have Harry come spend some time in my lab with me. It can be as infrequently or frequently as you and he like. I asked him if he would like to and he seemed excited. Of course, if you and the mutt aren't comfortable with it that is alright. But I think it would be good for him, just getting out of the house. It would also give me a chance to assess how much he really does know, and maybe give him the confidence to show his intelligence in class."

Remus nodded "I think that would be great for Harry. I will have to talk it over with Sirius though." Severus nodded and saw Remus to the door.