Chapter Five: Change

When Remus walked out of the floo he could hear Sirius talking in the kitchen. He headed towards them with a grin on his face. Sirius was standing in front of the stove attempting to make a box of mac and cheese and ranting to Harry about the ridiculousness of muggle foods. Harry was sitting quietly at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. He looked up when Remus walked in and gave him an anxious look.

Sirius smiled "Thank Merlin you're home, I have no idea how to cook."

Remus laughed at his friend's helplessness "Okay, I'll cook it. But first I have some good news!"

Sirius smiled "Oh, what is it?"

Remus gave Harry a look "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

Harry shrugged silently and blushed.

Remus felt a bit bad for making the teen uncomfortable. But he knew that Harry didn't have many people praising him for the small accomplishments in his life, and he was going to have to get used to it. "Harry spoke!"

Sirius reacted perfectly, just whelped, and then ran over to Harry and practically lifted the boy off the ground. "Why didn't you say something pup? You let me prattle on!"

Harry just shrugged and blushed. Remus saved him though. "Severus told me, he said you two had a good time?"

Harry just nodded.

Sirius laughed a bit more sarcastically now. "Oh come on Harry, you spoke to the bat of all people! What made you decide to start talking again?"

Harry shrugged "I guess that one therapy session did the trick. Now I don't have to go back right?" He asked cheekily.

Remus shook his head and laughed "Come on Harry, you know better than that." he said as he started to investigate the mess Sirius had made on the stove. "I know it's hard, but those sessions are going to help you."

Harry sighed, but he seemed almost happy. After Sirius badgered him with a few more questions he left him alone. Soon Sirius came over to where Remus was starting the mac and cheese from scratch and cast a silencing spell around them. "So he's talking, that is great! Did Snape say anything else?"

Remus sighed, checking his pot one more time before turning to his friend. "He actually did, he thinks that Harry is smarter than he has let on in his studies…. He was asking him questions about potions that Snape says he hasn't taught yet, and certainly beyond Harry's normal performance in potions. He wants to have Harry come work in the lab with him a few times a week."

Sirius rolled his eyes "Why, so he can torture the boy more? It's summer holiday for goodness sake!"

Remus shrugged "He says Harry said he wanted to, but he wanted our approval first. It could be good, getting Harry out of the house. And if Snape can help him to have a bit more confidence in his studies so he doesn't pretend he's dumb, well I think it could be good."

Sirius shrugged, trying not to let his personal feelings get in the way. "Maybe, we need to talk to Harry though. I'm worried about those cuts on his arm, they look very infected."

Remus nodded "I know, things need to change around here." They spent the next few minutes discussing their plans.

Harry had noticed the silencing charm, he had always been very sensitive to magic. But he couldn't read their lips. They are talking about me…. Probably about my cuts. He started to poke at the bandages nervously. After a few minutes they dropped the charm and finished making lunch. Once the noodles were ready Remus set the table and they sat down for their meal. They waited until he had started eating to speak.

Sirius was actually the one to start. "Alright kid, we need to talk, and I think we should just get it over with." He paused to let Harry respond, but when the teen just stared at him he continued. "Remus and I are worried about you, especially about the cuts on your arms."

Harry wouldn't meet their eyes, he bit his lip. I am not going to cry in front of them. This is ridiculous, I'm not even upset.

Sirius reached across the table and squeezed his hand.

Remus picked up now though. "Harry, have you been picking at those cuts?"

Harry took a deep breath, he shot Remus an angry look. They know I have, they don't have to make me say it. He just nodded.

Remus gave him a sad smile. "Okay, Harry, we aren't mad at you. But we are worried about those cuts, they are infected." Remus took a deep breath, knowing that what was coming next was likely to anger Harry. "So, until they heal we are going to have to do things a bit differently around here. This isn't a punishment, we just need to make sure we are doing everything we can to protect your health." He exchanged glances with Sirius before he continued. "So, for the time being, we need you to eat more. You need to eat every meal, and you need to eat everything we serve you. We are also going to get some protein shakes that Poppy recommended. You need to drink three a day, probably between each meal and before bed."

That got a reaction out of Harry. His head whipped up. "That's not fair!" He complained "That's way too much food, I get that I need to eat but you guys can't treat me like a baby!"

Sirius sighed "Harry, we aren't trying to baby you. But you are very underweight, and now that you have these infections you could get really sick!"

Harry shoved his half-eaten bowl of mac and cheese away from them "And what if I'm not hungry? Will you shove the food down my throat?" He challenged.

Remus shook his head "Please Harry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is for your own good. One of us will sit at the table with you until you finish, and you won't be allowed to leave until we say you've eaten enough."

Harry wanted to argue more, but he knew from the look in Remus's eyes that he was not going to budge, no matter how much Harry protested.

Once Harry gave a resigned look Remus continued. "And until these cuts heal... Sirius or I are going to stay with you at all times." He held up a hand to stop Harry's protests. "I know you think we are treating you like a baby, and that we are invading your privacy. But the reality is, right now we can't trust you to keep yourself healthy. And so, we are going to help you until we can trust you. You don't have to like it. But Harry, if you don't let these cuts heal you could get very sick, like end up in St. Mungo's sick. That infection could move to your blood and kill you. And I am not going to let that happen."

Harry glared at Remus for a long moment, then he looked to Sirius for sympathy. When he saw the same determined face on his godfather he threw his Mac and cheese bowl at them and stormed out of the room. He knew one of them was following him, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He stormed upstairs and flopped dramatically onto his bed. When he heard the door open behind him he curled himself into a tight ball and wished he could just sleep forever.

Remus sighed as he started to clean up the broken bowl and Mac and cheese. Sirius had gone after Harry, and he had to get to the store. It had already been a far too long day.

Dinner that night was tense to say the least. Harry refused to meet their gazes as they sat down at the table. He tried to remind himself that they were only doing this because they cared about him. It helped that he was too exhausted to fight anymore. He started shoveling the food into his mouth without even bothering to notice what it was. As soon as he was done his meal he disappeared in the living room and curled up into a ball on the couch. Remus followed him in and murmured something about being proud of him for eating his whole meal. When Sirius came in he switched on the TV.

Harry zoned out, and he didn't realize how much time had passed until Remus approached him with a glass of ensure.

He gave him a pleading look "Remus, please... If you make me drink that, I will throw up. I feel like my stomach is going to burst as it is."

Remus gave him a sympathetic smile "I added a stomach soothing potion that Snape gave me. It should help."

The ensure was disgusting, but Harry drank it all. As soon as he was done he went upstairs for bed. At some point during the evening someone had added a small cot to his room. As he got himself ready for bed Sirius readied the cot.

"We have to change your bandages before you go to sleep." He reminded Harry gently.

Harry sat nervously on the edge of the tub while Sirius ran the water in the sink and got a flannel wet with warm water. Then he slowly unwrapped Harry's bandages. Harry bit his lip as he watched, not meeting Sirius's eyes. "Was it this hard?" He finally dared to ask.

Sirius paused in his movement. "Was what this hard?"

Harry sighed "when you stopped cutting... You said that you used to do this too... Was it this hard to stop?"

Sirius sighed and continued to pull off the bandages. He grabbed the flannel and gently started to scrub Harry's arms. "Yes, it was. It took me a long time to really stop. Because people can make you stop, they can take your blades and follow you around, but eventually they have to stop. So you don't really get better until you want to. And sometimes it takes a lot of bad things happening to get to the point where you want to get better."

Harry cocked his head to one side. "What made you want to?"

Sirius paused in what he was doing and leaned back on his heels. "Well kid, I had been cutting for a long time, kind of like you. And Remus and your dad had done everything they could to make me quit. Then during fifth year I got really bad, and really low. I was being reckless, and endangering my life. James confronted me, told me I was going to end up killing myself, and I told him I didn't care. And he did the bravest thing I've ever seen your dad do. He told his parents."

Harry's eyes looked like they might pop out of his head. "He betrayed you?"

Sirius gave a sad sort of smile. "No, he didn't. I thought the same thing. I was furious at him. But later, after Mr. And Mrs. Potter had helped me to get the help I needed, I realized that when James told his parents... He was staying loyal to me even when I couldn't."

Harry chewed his lip and didn't comment for a while. Sirius went back to cleaning Harry's wounds. Neither spoke again until Sirius had finished.

"So you were close to them then, my grandparents?"

Sirius smiled as he cleaned up the supplies scattered around them. "Closer than I was to my own parents. Your grandparents took me in when I was at my worst, and they helped me to find my way back. I owe them my life."

Harry nodded quietly and didn't move. Finally, he found the courage to whisper "So why didn't they want me?"

For a moment Sirius didn't understand what Harry had said. But when he did he dropped to the ground and enveloped him in a hug. "Oh Harry, of course they would have wanted you! Your grandparents loved you so much... I'm so sorry Harry, I assumed someone had already told you."

Now Harry looked up at him "they're dead, aren't they? I'm really the only one left?"

Sirius nodded sadly. "They died in battle, before you were born. They were the reason that James and I joined the war. But they died defending what they believed in Harry. And even though they never got a chance to meet you, I can promise you that they loved you very, very much."

The next morning when Remus came into the kitchen to start breakfast he was surprised to see Harry sitting at the table already, sucking down a large cup of coffee. He and Sirius had been a bit shocked to learn exactly how much coffee the almost-year-old drank on a regular basis, but they had to pick their battles. "Oh, hey Harry… didn't expect you to be up so early." He paused as he opened the fridge to collect the ingredients he wanted "Where's Sirius?" He had tried to come off as casual, but he was a bit concerned. They had agreed to keep a close eye on Harry, and here he was sitting in a room full of sharp objects all by himself.

Harry rolled his eyes and took another swig of coffee. "Relax Remus, I didn't go postal and rip my skin off."

Remus turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow.

Harry shrugged "He's upstairs sleeping. I didn't want to wake him up."

Remus sighed and continued to make their breakfast, but he took a closer look at Harry as he did. The boy looked exhausted. He was pale, with large black circles around his eyes, and he sat with his shoulders slumped. "How long have you been down here Harry?" he asked in concern.

Harry perked up a bit, looking nervous. He bit his lip and didn't reply.

Remus sighed and set down the carton of eggs he was holding and came to sit across from Harry. "So a long time then? You couldn't sleep?"

Again Harry shrugged

Remus sighed again, getting information from this kid was like pulling teeth. He would have made a good secret keeper. "Nightmares?" He asked quietly. He had assumed that Harry would have nightmares, but this was the first time he had really broached the subject with him.

Harry looked down and the ground and bit his lip harder. He has no idea… and I can't tell him. Then he will ask what the nightmare was about… and he'll make me talk about what happened. It was dumb anyway… I was just being dumb. I should have just gone back to sleep.

Remus waited a while, but it was pretty clear that Harry wasn't going to speak up. "You know, nightmares are nothing to be ashamed of Harry. I know for me, when I've had a really bad one… it helps to wake someone else up. Even if you don't want to tell them what happened in the dream, just saying "I had a nightmare" helps me to remember that it was a dream, and it isn't happening anymore."

That got Harry's attention. Remus chuckled at the shock on the younger boy's face. "That's right," he said through his laughter. "I get nightmares, losing all your friends in a war when you're twenty three leaves a mark on someone. And for a long time, I had no one to go to. It wasn't really until we found Sirius again that I had a real friend again. He had this same talk with me, and made me promise to come wake him up if I had a nightmare."

Harry picked up his coffee and stared into the almost empty mug. "I'm sorry Remus, I didn't know. It really wasn't that big of a deal though, my dream. I wouldn't want to bother anyone."

Remus sighed, he had had this argument before, with another angry teenage boy many years ago. But this time he knew better than to push. It would take a long time to convince Harry that he wasn't a bother, and that the people who loved him were safe and wanted to help him. But Remus would keep reminding him. "Harry James Potter, you are never a bother. Sirius and I love you and we are always here if you need help, just try and remember that okay?"

After a small nod from Harry Remus turned back to his task of making breakfast. Harry quickly composed himself and got up to pour himself another cup of coffee. Remus gave him a look as he did it, but he didn't comment.

That morning, over breakfast, Remus and Sirius brought up Snape's offer to have Harry come and help in his lab a few days a week. Harry tried to appear indifferent, but he couldn't completely hide his excitement. He knew that Snape was catching on to him, but he was getting very bored here at Grimmauld, and as long as it wasn't during class it seemed safe enough to be smart. Remus and Sirius had a few rules to his visits though. He could only go if he was eating all his meals, and he had to listen to Snape while he was there. But as long as he was not actively cutting, they would allow him to floo there by himself.

Harry agreed to all of this, and so they decided that he could start going tomorrow afternoon. Remus would have let him go today, but they had some errands they needed to run.

Harry didn't really mind though, at least he was still getting out of the house. It turned out the errands they had to run were actually fun. Remus took him to Walmart to buy him some new clothes. Harry just stared at him in shock when he realized why they were there.

"I don't have any money from the bank though… can we wait until after we go to diagon ally?"

Remus sighed with a smile on his face. "Harry, we are your guardians now. You don't have to buy these, we will pay for them. I would have taken you to a nicer store, but you are still very under-weight and I think it would be best to just get a few necessities now and then buy you a new wardrobe once you're back on track.

Harry couldn't have been more shocked. He and Remus spent some time looking through the clothes before picking some things to try on. He got four new pairs of pants, two long and two short, six tee shirts, a sweatshirt, and a new pair of sneakers. Remus also bought him a whole pack of new underwear and a bunch of new socks. But Harry's favorite thing was the sneakers. He thanked him so much that Remus finally got annoyed and told him to stop.

Harry blushed "Sorry… I just…. It means a lot, you know? I've never had a new pair of shoes before." He said the last bit very quietly, but Remus still heard it and his heart broke. He immediately dragged Harry back to the shoe section and made him pick out two more pairs.

As they were leaving they passed through the toy section. Harry had always been intrigued by toys in the store, and so he slowed to look at them. Then something caught his eye that made him stop completely. It was a stuffed animal fox with button eyes and a big furry tale. He reached out to pick it up and just stared at it for a long time.

Remus of course noticed "What have you got there?" He asked casually as he surveyed his list to make sure he hadn't forgotten something.

Harry smiled, tears building up behind his eyes. He blinked them away angrily before speaking. "Oh, I just…. This caught my eye… I didn't know they still made them."

Remus folded up his list and came over to see what Harry was holding.

"I had one of these, as a kid… Some stranger in the street gave it to me when I was like three years old. It was the first new toy I'd ever gotten. Dudley tried to steal it but it gave him a rash, so they let me keep it. I slept with that thing for years."

Remus smiled as he looked at the toy, he remembered it vividly. "Harry, do you remember the man who gave it to you?"

Harry shook his head "No, not really… He was kind of funny looking…. Wait, how did you know it was a?" Suddenly Harry understood, he turned and gave Remus a tight hug. "It was you… I remember now…. Thank you Remus." Tears threatened to spill over as Harry hugged him. He checked on me… he was there… All this time I thought they just dumped me and forgot, but he came back. Harry couldn't help feeling a bit of bitterness that Remus hadn't realized something was wrong, but even the idea that he had come looking for Harry was so overwhelming, that he could overlook his anger.

Remus wiped a tear from his eye. "I knew I couldn't talk to you, or really help you in any way. But I did my best to keep an eye on you, in those early years. And I saw that they were being unkind to you. That's why I gave you that fox. I bewitched it so that only you could play with it. I know it doesn't make what happened better Harry, but you were never alone. And if I had even suspected what was really happening, Merlin himself couldn't have kept me away."

Harry smiled and turned back to the fox again. "I really can't believe they still make these… I haven't seen mine in years."

Remus smiled sadly. "Did you lose it?"

Harry shook his head "well it…. It…" he took a deep breath "I don't have it anymore."

Remus gave Harry a concerned look, but he didn't push him. "Well why don't we buy this one? I know it's not the same, but it could still be special."

Harry tried to protest, but Remus already had it in their cart. And as embarrassed as he was to be bought a stuffed animal at 15 years old, he was also very happy to have it back. "You know, your birthday is coming up this weekend." Remus said with a smile, "Sirius and I have been trying to think of what to get you, but perhaps we should just let you pick something yourself?"

Harry blanched a bit "Oh I don't know, the clothes are enough, really!" They're spending so much on me, and I can't pay them back if they won't let me go to diagonally, he thought worriedly.

Remus shook his head and laughed a bit, "Harry, clothes are a birthday present! Certainly not for a fifteen year old boy! We don't have to buy anything today, but if you think of something you'd like, please tell us."

After they were done at the store Remus took Harry out to lunch. He watched as the timid boy picked at his meal. He still isn't eating enough. I don't understand it, the boy must be hungry. Remus sighed, he had a feeling it was a deeper problem than Harry simply not eating enough. But he wasn't ready to face that possibility. "Harry, you need to eat more."

Harry gave him a guilty look, then started to pick at his burger. He glanced around the diner as they ate, watching the other muggles come and go, trying not to let the scene overwhelm him. He had never been in a muggle diner before, and even in the wizarding world he didn't eat out too often.

Once they were done with lunch they headed back out to the car Remus had been driving them in. He had explained that since they were buying so much this would be easier than apparating. Once they were buckled in, Remus finally broached the subject he had been dreading all day. "Alright Harry, we have one last stop and then we can go home." He nervously started the engine.

"Where do we have to go?"

Remus took a deep breath "To the Ministry…." He turned to look at Harry as he spoke. "We have to go speak with an Auror about… about your uncle. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I knew it would make you anxious. I will be with you the whole time I promise, and once it's over you won't have to do it again."

For a moment Harry just stared at him blankly. Horror was clear on his face, but completely at a loss for words. When he finally did compose himself, his question was not what Remus had been expecting. "Have they arrested him yet?"

"Not yet, they need your statement first. But once we get this over with they will. He is never going to hurt you again."

Harry nodded stiffly "Will there be a trial? Will people know?"

Remus sighed "I'm not sure Harry, they can keep the trial private. They have some type of protocol for muggle crimes against wizards, he will go to a muggle prison. You will be protected Harry, I promise."

Harry nodded again, and Remus started to move the car.