Chapter Seven: Trial and error

"I'll do it." He said the moment Remus asked.

"Harry, I think you should consider this for a little while. Maybe even talk it over with Lou. It is going to be very difficult, and I don't want you to rush into this because you think you have to. No one would think any less of you if you wanted to just walk away."

Harry shook his head. "I don't need to think about it. I'll do it. I mean, if I don't, then they could try and get me back right?"

Remus shook his head "They wouldn't win Harry. Even if we can't prove that they were the ones who hurt you, they let it happen."

Harry shook his head "But they could try, and I would still have to face them. And it could get out. I want to do this Remus. I know it's going to be hard. I'm terrified just thinking about it. But I will never be able to forgive myself if he walks away from this, and I could have stopped him."

Remus sighed "Harry, you are a kid, it's not your job to stop people like that."

Now Harry had a fire in his eyes that Remus hadn't seen in a long time. "But I can. All those years, he did all those horrible things to me. And I couldn't stop him. And now I can, I can't walk away from that."

The trial date was set for the beginning of the next week, August 14th, it seemed far too soon, but perhaps it was best to get it over with. Harry talked with Lou for a long time about the trial, but as it got closer he became more and more anxious. The night before the trail was going to start he got into it with Remus at dinner.

"Harry, I know you're worried about tomorrow, but you still need to eat."

Harry slammed down his fork. He was vaguely aware that he was being irrational, and that he wasn't really mad at Remus. But he didn't care. "I'm not hungry." He muttered darkly.

Remus sighed and gave Sirius a look. Sirius sputtered a bit, "Um, Harry… Remus is right."

Harry rolled his eyes and stood, slamming his almost full plate into the sink. "You always take his side, I'm fifteen years old! I don't need people watching everything I eat. It's none of your business!"

He stormed upstairs and slammed his door shut, performing a locking charm on the door, even though he knew it was useless. He could hear Remus yelling after him, and then Sirius yelling at Remus. But he didn't care anymore. He didn't care about anything. All that mattered was that tomorrow he was going to have to face his uncle. And he couldn't let anything stop him.

TW: Self Harm

In a moment he had made a decision. Carrying it out took a bit more work. First, he searched his trunk, but Remus and Sirius had been thorough in their search of his stuff. After giving up on his trunk he unlocked his door and slipped into the bathroom. He broke the mirror as silently as he could and disappeared back into his bedroom. As his hand hovered over his arm, the large shard grazing his skin, he almost stopped himself. But then he saw his uncle's face and he took the plunge.

An hour later, Remus came to find him. Harry hadn't bothered to try and clean up the mess, he knew Remus would come to find him, and even if he didn't smell the blood on him, they would see the broken mirror. Remus knocked, then unlocked the door. He was pocketing his wand when he caught sight of his ward. "Oh Harry," He said in a low, resigned voice. He walked over to the boy slowly and picked up the mirror shard from the ground next to him.

End TW

Harry gave him a sad look. "I'm sorry Remus… I shouldn't have yelled, or left the table."

Remus sighed and sank down next to Harry, leaning his back against the bed frame. "I'm not mad Harry, I'm just worried about you. Maybe this is too much, maybe we should reconsider."

That got Harry's attention. "No, Remus… I'm begging you! I have to do this, I know I messed up…. And I'm really sorry. But this is really important, please… I need to do this."

Remus gave him a worried look, "I don't know Harry…"

At that moment Sirius came in. He said nothing about the blood or the large mirror shard. He just plopped down on Harry's other side and started cleaning the cuts. "I think we should let him, Remus," He locked eyes with Harry, "obviously it is important to him."

Harry nodded in thanks, "And I know I screwed up, but it won't happen again. I just need to get this over with, then everything will be better."

Sirius and Remus gave each other worried looks, but said nothing. Obviously, this was very important to Harry, and they would do whatever they could to help him to get through it in one piece.

The next morning when Harry went into the bathroom to get ready for court the mirror had been repaired, and a protection spell had been placed on it. He sighed and hopped into the shower anyway, relishing the sting on his arms as the warm water hit his cuts.

Two hours later he was sitting in a small room in the court house. He was wearing one of Sirius's old suits. Remus sat with him, silently trying to calm him. Sirius had stayed home of course.

After a few minutes of silence Tonks slipped in to see them. "Hey boys, how are we doing?"

Harry shrugged, feeling a bit sick, wishing I had a blade, I'd kind of rather be dead than be here right now. "I'll be better when this is over."

Tonks nodded sympathetically and smiled "well, they are ready for you now. So we are almost there. You will just go in to testify, and once you've been questioned by the defense and prosecution you can either come back here to wait for a verdict, or if the trial is going to take a few days then several aurours will escort you home."

Harry nodded nervously. Honestly, he hadn't heard a word she said. But he didn't have the energy to ask her to repeat it.

The courtroom was larger than he had expected. They hadn't allowed any reporters to come in, but somehow the room still seemed full. On one side of the room Harry saw Dumbledore, Poppy, and Severus. Mr. And Mrs. Weasley were sitting with them giving them encouraging smiles.

When Harry had decided to testify he had decided he had to tell Ron and Hermione. He didn't want them to find out in a newspaper if the story was leaked. They both responded the way he expected. Hermione gasped and hugged him tight, trying to hold back tears. Ron crossed his arms and looked uncomfortable. He mumbled about being sorry they hadn't gone to someone when they saw the bruises and stuff. Harry just shook his head "Ron, I hid it well... You knew I didn't want you to tell. And we are just teenagers, we aren't supposed to have to deal with this stuff." He came clean to them about everything, and afterwards he felt a lot better.

Of course Ron and Hermione weren't allowed into the courtroom, but it was nice to see friendly faces anyway.

On the other side of the room were some less friendly faces. In the first row sat Aunt Petunia and Dudley. They both have him blank stares, but Dudly's broke into a slightly frightened look of admiration.

Just beyond them, craning his large head on his stout neck, sat Uncle Vernon. Shivers went down Harry's back as their eyes locked. He wanted to look away but he couldn't. His fat face twisted into a pleasant smile, his beady eyes filled with what most people would think was a parental concern. But Harry saw what lay behind that. He saw the hungry, malicious look. It made his heart stop.

At that moment, Remus stepped up in front of him, blocking his view. He quietly whispered "Don't let him get to you Harry. He can't hurt you anymore."

Harry gave him a grateful smile. Now they were at the stand and he was being sworn in. Once this was done Tonks and Remus had to leave him and go join his supporters in the crowd.

The defense questioned him first. They spent a lot of time asking about how the Dursleys had cared for him, taken him in when he was dropped on their doorstep, and clothed him at their own expense. Eventually, after the lawyer said something about them being his parents when he had none, Harry got sick of it.

"Yes, they fed me with the scraps from their table. The food I had to cook for them starting at age seven. They housed me in a home I cleaned like a servant, to earn my keep. They clothed me in the oversized hand me downs of their own son. I lived in rags and tatters, always having enough food to keep me alive but never full. I worked all day, and at night they found another way for me to "earn my keep". It takes more than keeping someone alive to be a parent.``

The lawyer tried to make an objection, but the judge overruled. "You opened this line of questions sir." He said as he gave Harry a slightly proud look.

Things got a bit harder when the prosecution started questioning him. The woman questioning him was much nicer, but her questions were more difficult. They kept asking him if he needed a break, but he just wanted to get this over with.

TW: Descriptions of abuse (non graphic)

"Harry, have you ever felt unsafe because of an adult?" The woman asked seriously.

Harry steeled himself, he knew she was on his side, but he felt like she was trying to trick him. "Yes" He answered, just as they had practiced the day before.

She nodded "Can you tell us who made you feel unsafe?"

Harry took a deep breath, trying desperately to look anywhere but at him. "My uncle."

The Lawyer, Samantha, moved from his right to his left, so that he had a clear view of Vernon. "Is that uncle here today?"

Harry kept his eyes forward and nodded, then he remembered that he had to answer verbally. "Yes, the defendant, Vernon Dudley."

Samantha nodded and moved again, blessedly blocking his view of the large man. "And what did he do that made you feel unsafe, Harry?" She asked, her voice full of concern.

Harry looked down at his hands, then, remembering Samantha's instructions, he looked up at the jury. "Over the fourteen years that I lived with my aunt and uncle, he screamed at me, threatened me, beat me, and raped me."

Samantha pressed her lips together. "Thank you Harry, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about. Is that why you never told anyone about the abuse?"

Harry nodded slowly "That was part of it, I felt a lot of shame about what was happening. But I was also scared, he threatened to kill me if I ever told. And, after years of being told that that is all you are good for, you start to believe it. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think anyone could help."

Samantha nodded "That must have been very terrifying." she said sympathetically. "Harry, how often did this abuse occur?"

"I don't remember when the physical abuse started, it was just something that always happened. The sexual abuse started when I was four." He paused and took a deep breath. "the beatings and stuff happened all the time, but they got worse when he was drunk. The sexual abuse only happened when he was drinking. Probably once a week, sometimes more."

End TW

Samantha asked him a few more questions, then she thanked him and allowed him to step down. Harry could barely stand as he walked out of the courtroom, but Remus helped him stay upright. As soon as they were out Remus started to veer towards the floo. But Harry shook his head "I want to stay... I want to stay until we know."

Remus tried to protest "they probably won't even reach a verdict today Harry, they can tell us when they do. We can wait at home."

Harry gave him a kind of desperate look, but Tonks was on the other side of him, pushing him towards the floo. "I promise Harry, I will come get you for the verdict. There is nothing for you to do here but sit and worry."

That's all there is to do at home too, Harry thought glumly. But he let Remus guide him to the floo without further argument. Just as they stepped into the fireplace, he caught a glimpse of the press standing outside the courthouse. There must have been twenty reporters waiting there, shouting questions…

As they stepped out into their own living room Harry turned to Remus. "Those reporters... How did they know... What do they know? Oh Merlin, they know everything! What have I done?"

Remus, recognizing that Harry was having a long overdue panic attack, led his ward to the couch, and summoned the anxiety medication that Lou had given them for this very purpose. After Harry had swallowed the pill they sat silently and waited for it to start working.

In a few minutes Harry visibly relaxed. Sirius had joined them at some point, and smiled sadly at the two of them now. "So I'm guessing things didn't go too well today?" He said quietly.

Harry chuckled a bit "as well as to be expected..." He paused and glanced at Remus. "Those reporters... How much do they know?"

Remus bit his lip and rocked back on his heels, moving from the door to sit next to Harry. "Technically, they only know that your uncle is being tried for crimes against a wizard... But they have speculated a lot worse."

Harry nodded, biting his lip. He could feel the panic, the betrayal, the anger, but the drugs that Remus had given him were still keeping them at bay. "So they know that he abused me? They know what he did?" He asked quietly.

Sirius shook his head "Not exactly Harry, they don't know any of the details of the trial. They have speculated that you were abused, but the details aren't more specific than that."

Harry gave a slight nod, but didn't say any more. Remus patted him on the back, then apologized when Harry flinched. "You must be exhausted, why don't you try and take a nap? Sleep off some of that Ativan."

Harry nodded and curled up onto the couch. Sirius switched the TV on to golden girls, and Remus brought him his favorite blanket, and his stuffed fox. Amazingly enough, he fell asleep before he got through the theme song.

An hour later he woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. Both his guardians were at his side in a moment, but he motioned for them to stay back. Reality was hard to hold on to sometimes... He could still feel his uncle's grubby hands on him... He shook his head. "It's not real, it's not real, it's not real" he looked up and met Sirius's gaze "sorry..." He mumbled quietly.

Sirius shook his head "nothing to be sorry for kid."

It was a long night. Harry tried to convince Remus and Sirius to let him stay down stairs and watch tv, but Remus insisted that he would sleep better in his own bed. As Harry was getting ready he came in and offered him another Ativan. "I know it's been a long day, this might help you relax enough to sleep."

Harry considered it for a moment, then took the pill and popped it into his mouth after Remus smiled and left, he spit it out and held it in his hand, looking disgusted. Eventually he threw it in his dresser drawer and curled up in bed alone.

After the second nightmare he gave up trying to sleep. By four AM he found himself sitting on the floor of his room with a blade in hand. It had taken a while to get it, and once he had, he had decided not to use it. But he had saved it in case he changed his mind.

He held it tightly in his hand, his face set in stone. Eventually he threw it across the room with all the force he could muster, letting it clatter satisfyingly against the wood floor as it landed under his bed. They would have seen the cuts anyway, he thought dejectedly.

The next morning no one commented about the bags under his eyes, and Remus didn't push him to finish his breakfast. He knew they were trying to be kind, but it annoyed him. He didn't need to be babied.

Once breakfast was over Harry curled up on the couch and watched golden girls again. Sirius morphed into his dog form and curled up next to him, laying his head on Harry's lap. Harry cherished moments like these, he couldn't stand human contact, but he craved it... And petting a dog seemed a perfect compromise.

At eleven thirty on the dot, the floo sparked, and Tonks stumbled into the room.

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin, he let out a shriek as he fell to the ground in surprise. This In turn surprised Tonk, who also screamed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm just jumpy, sorry..." Harry said as he stood and moved to make sure she was okay, he hated being scared like that. It's so stupid, why do I do that? He thought angrily.

Tonks laughed and nodded "it's okay, sorry I scared you, I didn't mean to!"

Harry shook his head "it's not your fault." he muttered.

By this time Remus had come to see what all the screaming was about. Tonks gave him a quick hug as she explained "they have a verdict, they are going to announce it at noon."

Harry glanced at the clock and paled, they had fifteen minutes. Remus locked eyes with him "you sure you want to be there?"

Harry nodded stiffly "I need to be there... I need to see it. Either way."

Remus gave an understanding nod "alright, run upstairs and get dressed, we don't have much time."