Chapter Eight: Breaking Point

Almost exactly fifteen minutes later Harry, Remus, and Tonks walked into the courtroom. Harry could barely stand because his legs were shaking so much. As they took their seats next to the Weasley's he made eye contact with Vernon. It sent shivers down his spine... Words the man had said over the years came flooding back. Suddenly the court room seemed very far away, and nothing was real, he wasn't really there. He tried to move, to touch the bench in front of him, how could it have looked so real a moment ago... But he couldn't move. He was frozen, and invisible.

Harry tried to speak, to say something to Remus... But he couldn't open his mouth. It didn't matter anyway; the judge was talking now. Harry could hear him, but his words sounded familiar away, fake.

Now the juror was speaking, and Remus hugged him. Then the judge said "Vernon Dursley, the wizarding people of Great Britain find you guilty of crimes against a wizard, and sexual and physical abuse of a child. You will be remanded to the muggle prison until your sentencing.

Everyone was celebrating, but Harry could only watch as two guards cuffed Uncle Vernon. The hunk of a man seemed to sense him watching, and swung around to face him, throwing off both his guards with ease.

"You think you've won, freak, but you and I will always know the truth! I didn't do anything you didn't want! You can lie to them and you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me!" Just then an onslaught of curses from around the room Vernon was on the floor and being hauled out of the room.

Harry's vision was going black. At some point he had ended up on the ground, curled into a ball, with his back against a wall. People were talking, it felt like they were shouting at him. "No, please...Just be quiet!" He begged under his breath.

Eventually he heard Remus's voice breaking through. "Give him some space, please people, give us a moment!"

Now his face came into focus, he looked worried. "Harry, hey, Harry I am so sorry that happened. I know you are scared right now, but there are a lot of people here and we need to get you somewhere quiet okay?"

Harry nodded slightly, quiet sounded good.

Remus smiled at this "okay, Mr. Weasley and I are going to help you up, alright? Take it slowly"

Harry was practically lifted up, and quickly guided through what seemed like a huge sea of people... How were there so many people there now? After a few moments of wading through people they were in a quiet room, and Remus was letting go of him. "He needs some space." He was telling the Weasleys "just give us a few minutes okay?"

Now it was just Harry and Remus and the Tonks joined after a few minutes, but Harry was okay with that.

After what seemed like forever, and with an immense amount of effort, Harry spoke. "All those people, where did they come from?"

Tonks sighed "they were reporters mostly, once your uncle was removed from the court it became open to the public again. Unfortunately, they all rushed in before we had a moment to get you out of there... I am so sorry Harry, about everything."

Harry gave Tonks a weak smile, "it wasn't your fault Tonks... "

She smiled and squeezed his hand "I know, but I wish I could have stopped it."

Harry gave her a more genuine smile. He liked Tonks, she didn't make him feel bad for getting upset. And she seemed to understand his need for human contact, without invading his space.

He looked nervously at Remus. "So, all those reporters... What do they know?"

Remus sighed, he rubbed his forehead uncertainly. "We should talk about this later Harry..."

Tonks stepped in before Harry got the chance. "He deserves to know Rey." She said quietly. "The reporters will know what your uncle was charged with, technically the names of victims are not released, but people will know the nature of what he did..."

"And of course they'll figure out that it was to me..." Harry finished for her. "Thank you, Tonks."

Remus sighed and pressed his lips together. "I'm sorry Harry, I wish we could have saved you from this. All of it. But you did it Harry, we won...He is going to be in jail for a very long time."

Harry nodded "I know..." He said quietly. "What now?"

Remus smiled and helped Harry to stand. Tonks showed them to a back room with floo in it so they could avoid the reporters.

After they had eaten lunch, which Harry hardly touched, he asked to go to Snape's. Snape didn't say much, and let Harry set to work on refilling some of Snape's stores.

Harry was thankful to be left alone. Remus and Sirius had just followed him around the house looking at him like he might break.

As he worked through the potion he was making, his mind kept going back to the courtroom. 'He is gone... He is going to be in jail for a long time... And he won't be able to hurt anyone anymore...' no matter how many times he said it to himself, he didn't believe it. Even as he chopped ingredients and stirred potions, he couldn't convince himself that the world before him was reality.

As he was putting away the potions he had made his hand brushed against Snape's store of dreamless sleep potions. For a moment he froze. 'Snape wouldn't notice... I could just take a few... It would be nice to just … not exist for a little while...' Harry stood frozen for a long moment staring at the small vials in front of him. There were so many there, he could just take a few and Snape would never need to know. A dreamless sleep was too tempting to resist.

When Harry got back to Grimmauld place he disappeared up to his room. He was feeling guilty about taking the dreamless sleep, but he knew that if he told Remus or Sirius he would get in big trouble. He just shoved them into the back of his desk drawer hidden under some papers, and decided not to think about them.

That night for dinner Sirius made him his favorite meal; oven baked Mac and cheese. Harry flopped down into his chair without saying a word. Remus and Sirius ate in silence, watching Harry not even bother to pick up his fork and pretend to eat. Eventually Remus had enough. "Harry, I know that you have a lot going on right now, but you still have to eat."

Harry rolled his eyes and shoved his plate away. "Please Remus, enlighten me on why I have to eat? Am I going to die if I skip one meal?"

Sirius glanced at Remus and shook his head. "Harry, we are just trying to help you... You've been doing so well... I just don't want you to backslide."

Harry shoved back from the table and stood "Right, because God forbid I have a rough day! I had better be careful, I might slide all the way back to that freaking closet under the stairs!" With that he flipped his plate and stormed out of the room.

It was Sirius who followed him upstairs a few minutes later and knocked softly on the door. "Hey kid, can I come in?" He asked quietly.

That was one thing that Harry was always thankful for with Sirius, he always asked... Even when Harry knew he didn't really have a choice, he appreciated that Sirius would ask. "It's your house..." He mumbled quietly. He had known that one of them would follow him upstairs, so he hadn't been stupid enough to reach for his blade. He was sitting on the floor, slumped against his bed, with his forehead resting on his knees.

Sirius sighed and sauntered into the room. "Harry, you live here, this is your home too." He flopped down next to his godson. "That was pretty rough, wasn't it?"

Harry sighed, and rolled his head to one side to peek at Sirius "I've had worse meals..."

Sirius gave him a sad sort of smile, "talk to me kid, what's going on in that stubborn little head of yours?"

Harry let out a laugh and turned his face back into his knees. "I'm okay, Sirius... I just need some sleep."

Sirius sighed "Come on Harry, I know it's hard...But you've got to keep talking to us."

Harry sighed and lifted his head, Sirius was never going to leave him alone if he didn't at least pretend he was okay. "I'm sorry Sirius, I know I need to keep talking, and I will. Today has just been hard. I'll apologize to Remus in the morning... I'm exhausted, I think I just need to sleep."

Sirius gave him a searching look, "Okay, but promise me you'll come wake me up if you need someone?"

Harry forced a smile and nodded "promise" he said quietly.

Once Sirius had left, Harry climbed up onto his bed and pulled his covers tight around him. He didn't even bother to change clothes, he just begged for sleep to take him.

Remus was at the sink, elbow deep in soapy water when Sirius came back down. "I think he's okay... He wanted to go to bed." Sirius said as he grabbed a dish towel and started to tackle the pile of clean dishes.

Remus paused in his scrubbing and gave him a worried glance. "You left him up there alone? Do you think leaving him alone when he is this upset is really a good idea?"

Sirius bit his lip and shrugged "I don't know, but we can't always be there when he is upset, he is going to need to learn how to deal with his emotions on his own. Anyway, we had a good talk, and he promised to come get one of us if he needed us."

Remus shook his head, but said no more. He couldn't help but think of the many times Sirius had promised to come talk to him if he needed to. All too often it had been Remus who sought out Sirius, and found him bleeding on the floor somewhere, before they talked.

"He looked exhausted Remus," Sirius added, trying to reassure his friend. "He just wanted to sleep... I know he isn't in a great place right now, but I think he really does want to get through this without relapsing."

TW: Flash backs, self harm, & suicide attempt

Harry woke from his nightmare soaked in sweat and frozen in the fetal position. A scream was caught in his throat, threatening to choke him, and refusing to come out. It seemed like an eternity that he lay there in terror, unable to move.

Uncle Vernon's words played over and over again in his mind, his fat pudgy face lunging at Harry, the sickening feeling in his gut when it happened. 'I didn't do anything you didn't want! You can lie to them and you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me!'

Finally, he found the strength to sit up. His clock read midnight. He had only slept for an hour and a half. Harry stood and started pacing.

I can't do this... he thought to himself frantically. it's never going to end... I'm never going to sleep again... and I just want to sleep... I'm so tired... He found himself in front of his desk, and without thinking opened the drawer that had his knife. But as he reached for it his hand bumped one of the vials of dreamless sleep.

For a single moment, the rational part of Harry's brain sparked. take some dreamless sleep, get some rest, things will be better in the morning. and for a moment, Harry almost listened.

But the sickening voice that plagued his thoughts was still there. It won't look better, because it won't be better. It can never get better. You are damaged goods, and everyone knows it now. But eventually they will forget, you never will. You will wake up to the same nightmares every night. You will feel his hands on you every time you are touched, you will flinch as if he could hit you even when he is dead. You can never forget this. Every time you close your eyes it will be there. One night of dreamless sleep won't fix anything, because you'll still wake up in the morning.

Harry tried to tell the voice to go to hell, but he knew it was right. "unless I didn't wake up…" he whispered to himself, as he pulled the other three vials out of the desk.

For a moment, he asked himself if he was really doing this... He certainly had enough dreamless sleep, three vials was over a week's worth of doses. He stared at them, sprawled out on his bed like hidden treasure.if I'm going to do this, I need to write a note… they deserve that.

He had heard of people writing notes, last words before they took themselves out of the equation. But he really only had one thing to say. He grabbed his notebook from the top of his dresser, and quickly cast the spell so that anyone else could read it.

He wouldn't write 'I'm sorry' because he wasn't. instead he wrote "Remus, Sirius, this wasn't your fault... Some things are too hard to live with." Once he was done he placed it back on the desk, and after a moment of hesitation grabbed his knife. If he was going to die, he might as well give in and cut first…

Downing the vials was easy, and once they were gone and shattered on the floor, he took the blade to his skin. He didn't feel the first few strokes, so he dug deeper. Once he felt the blood rushing against his skin, and dripping onto his sheets, he laid back and waited for the darkness.

It wasn't until the spots started to cloud his vision that the panic set in. Uncle Vernon's face was leering at him and whispering horrible words, and suddenly Harry was terrified. Sirius was going to find his body, he was going to see him covered in blood... he always came to check on him in the middle of the night. He would scream for Remus as he tried to save him... Remus would smell the blood before he got to the room. He would have to pull Sirius off of him, hug him and tell him it was okay... but it never would be.

They would have to leave the house, and there was nowhere else safe for Sirius. The Weasley's would be devastated... Ron... Ron, and Hermione, and Ginny... oh Merlin, what would they do?

And then Harry thought about his cousin, and his aunt, and finally, his uncle. Uncle Vernon would be happy at the news. He would have won. That was enough to get Harry scared. His vision was almost completely black now, but he forced his eyes open. He needed to get up, to get Sirius... he needed help.

End TW