The boy who Lived

by Gingerme

Harry was the boy who lived, but what kind of life has he lived? What had he endured in the years that he spent with his muggle family? When Sirius and Remus finally rescue him from his relatives and learn the truth about his life, will they be able to help him overcome his past? Or is the boy who lived to far gone for help. Trigger warnings inside. No longer on hiatus

9. Chapter 9: Fear

Chapter Nine: Fear

Sirius had barely fallen asleep when there was an ominous thump against his door that sounded dangerously like a body. He stood quickly and practically ran to the door. As it opened Harry's limp body fell against him.

"Shit kid, what have you done?" He muttered in shock, but then he saw the blood, covering Harry's clothes, pooling on the floor, more blood than should come out of a living person. And then he started to panic. "REMUS!" He yelled frantically as he slid to the floor and tried to find the source of the bleeding "REMUS NOW! HARRY..." He was at a loss for words.

Thankfully Remus woke quickly, and sensing the panic in his friend's voice he ran towards them. "Oh Merlin, what did he do?" He gasped as they came into view at the end of the hallway. As soon as he reached them he scooped Harry up from the floor. "I'll apparate to the hospital."

Sirius reached for his wand. "I'm coming too!"

Remus gave him a desperate look "You can't Sir, if they saw you…" He didn't finish his sentence as he popped out of the hallway carrying their bleeding teenage ward. He just prayed that Sirius would listen to him.

He popped into St. Mungo's Emergency room, directly in front of the receptionist desk. The poor clerk jumped up as he appeared, eyes wide with shock. It was after all, after 1am. But in a moment the young wizard composed himself and quickly called for help, flipping some unseen switch to bring a flood of doctors and nurses in.

A stretcher appeared, and Harry was pulled from Remus's arms. People were holding his wrists to stop the bleeding, trying desperately to get IVs, someone was cutting off his shirt and starting CPR.

A young female doctor locked eyes with him as she worked. "What did he take?" She yelled across the sea of people in between barking orders.

Remus just shook his head, now that Harry wasn't in his arms, the severity of his situation was hitting him. The doctor said something to a nurse, and then they disappeared, pushing Harry through a set of thick double doors. Remus tried to follow, but the nurse the doctor had spoken to stopped him.

"Sir, they are doing everything they can. But you need to wait out here."

Remus just stared at her, taking entirely too long to process what she had said.

"Can you tell me your son's name?" She asked calmingly, as she led Remus to a chair.

Remus shook his head "He's not my son… he's my… my… I'm his guardian." After a moment Remus realized how little that mattered. "Harry, Harry Potter."

She smiled encouragingly, as if she had famous patients who'd tried to kill themselves everyday. "Okay, and what is your name?"

"Remus Lupin."

"Okay Remus, I need your help alright? They are doing everything they can to help Harry right now, but it would be a lot easier if we knew what he had taken. Is there any way you could find out, or any guesses you have?"

Remus stood, moving almost mechanically "I'll go back to the house and see if I can find out." He said as he apparated away.

The house was eerily silent, Remus moved quickly to Harry's room, but once he was there he was stopped in his tracks. Sirius was sitting on Harry's bed, tears streaming down his face.

"Hey… Sirius…. It's okay…" Remus said quickly "I got him to the hospital… they are working on him now… He's going to get through this.

Sirius looked away without responding, and held out the notepad he had been holding. Written in hastily scribbled ink, in handwriting every teacher at Hogwarts could identify, was the most heart-breaking note Remus had ever seen.

"Remus, Sirius, this wasn't your fault... Some things are too hard to live with."

Remus clutched the journal tightly, but pushed the hurt and grief from his mind. They hadn't lost Harry yet, it wasn't time to be sad. "I need to know what he took." He said firmly, locking eyes with his distraught friend. "The hospital said they will be able to help him more if they know what he took."

Sirius seemed to connect with this, and his face cleared a bit. Together they started to look around the room. It didn't take long to find the shattered vials, but finding a piece with a label on it was more difficult. Within a few minutes they had their answer, and Remus apparated back to the hospital.

The clerk nodded to him, and must have called for the nurse he had been talking to, because she appeared soon after.

"It was dreamless sleep, probably three or four vials… he broke them so we can't be sure."

She nodded and disappeared to relay the information, promising to come update him as soon as there was news.

And then Remus was left alone, in an almost deserted waiting room. Once he sat down he noticed a few other huddled groups of people, staring at him with terrible fear and curiosity. It was then that he realized how he must look, how this scene must have looked for them. He was covered in Harry's blood, wearing his pajamas, and shoeless. It occurred to him that he should go home and change, but he couldn't bear to leave again.

After a few minutes of sitting silently, he realized that he was still holding Harry's journal. He flipped open to the page of the suicide note again, now smeared in blood. For a long moment he just stared at it, then he started to flip through the journal. He had just started to read another entry when a hand snatched it away.

"Harry would never forgive you." Snape said as he pocketed the book and held out a small bag to Remus.

"Severus… how… what…" Remus couldn't seem to string two words together.

Severus scowled and rolled his eyes. "The mutt woke me up, said he didn't want you to be alone… he asked me to bring you some clothes too, I see now why."

Remus slowly took the sack from him and stared at it. Sure enough, inside was a pair of jeans, a tee shirt, and one of Remus's favorite sweatshirts. There was also a pair of shoes, and a few books.

Severus put his arm on Remus's shoulder, doing his best to sound sincere. "Are you alright?" He asked quietly.

Remus sighed, he couldn't think about that right now. All that mattered now was Harry. "I'm fine… I'm just worried about Harry. Thank you for the clothes Sev, this is great…. But you don't need to stay, I'm sure it's going to be a long night." He smiled and started to walk toward the closest bathroom. "Thank you for the clothes."

But when he came back out, with his soiled clothes in the sack, Severus was still sitting there.

"Severus, go home… if you really want to sit up with someone, you should go sit with Sirius, I'm sure he is a wreck right now." Remus cringed at the thought of the many destructive things that Sirius might be doing just now."

Severus shook his head "The mutt is with the gingers, he'll be fine. Waiting alone in the hospital is awful, I'm not leaving you here." Severus rolled his eyes at Remus's shocked face, "I do actually know how to be a good friend you know, I just reserve it for people who are worth it."

Remus smiled "Wow, thanks Severus, I didn't realize you considered me a.."

"I was talking about Harry, you idiot." Severus snapped, but the slight smile on his face told Remus another story.

It seemed like hours before the nurse came out to find them. And when she did, she looked exhausted. Remus had been almost asleep in one of the waiting room chairs, but the moment he saw her he leapt up.

"He's alive!" She said quickly.

Relief flooded over Remus, but then a million other questions plagued him.

"We had to give him several units of blood, and he is still in critical condition… He will be at least until all of the drugs he took work their way out of his system. But he is going to be okay."

Remus nearly fell over a relief flooded through him. "Can I see him?"

The nurse smiled and nodded "Only you though, he is in the ICU so only family members can visit, and only one at a time." She said, giving a pointed look at Severus standing behind Remus.

Severus laughed "That's okay, I'm just a friend. Remus you go, I'll go update everyone."

When the nurse opened the door and led Remus in he felt his stomach drop. Harry seemed to have tubes coming out from everywhere.

The nurse, who's name Remus had finally remembered, Jackie, gave him an encouraging nod. She gestured to the mask on Harry's face. "This is to help him breathe, it's just giving him some extra oxygen. And these wires are monitoring Harry's heart function. His heart is okay, but it stopped for a moment when you first brought him in." She motioned to the other tubes and wires and explained each of them to Remus. When she was done she motioned to the chair and offered to bring him a cup of coffee. "Don't say no, you've been up all night. You need some caffeine. And the doctor will be able to talk to you soon."

Remus smiled gratefully "thank you Jackie, really... Thank you" he said quietly as he watched Harry take a shallow breath.

The Doctor came by about ten minutes after Jackie came back with his cup of coffee. "Mr. Lupin, I'm Dr. Amada." The young, attractive woman said as she entered the room and held out her hand.

Remus stood slowly, feeling stiff from the long night, and quickly shook her hand. "Call me Remus, and thank you so much for taking care of Harry."

The young woman smiled "you are very welcome, you must be exhausted, why don't we sit?"

Remus nodded gratefully and they took their seats.

"Remus, has Harry ever tried to harm himself before?" she asked gently.

Remus sighed "I don't know if he has ever attempted suicide before... I only became Harry's guardian at the beginning of the summer. But he has a history of self-harming."

Dr. Amada made a note on her notepad and nodded "I saw something in the news about him being removed from his relative's home... But I wasn't sure it was true."

Remus took a long sip of his coffee and gave his unconscious ward a sad glance. "Yes, he was removed two weeks into the summer holiday. It wasn't long after that when we realized the extent of the abuse he had endured while living there. He was in pretty bad shape when we got him... He was self-harming, he wasn't eating, and he wouldn't talk to anyone. But things have been going better recently... He was seeing a therapist, and he hasn't self-harmed in a while... That I know of. He was gaining weight, and he just seemed happier." Remus shook his head sadly.

"It isn't uncommon for something like this to happen after a person has started to feel better. After the initial healing has worn off, and the patient is still facing the same issues, it can trigger dangerous thoughts... Do you have any idea what might have pushed Harry to do this?"

Remus nodded sadly. "He testified in his uncle's trial yesterday. We won, and I thought that would help... But it just seemed to make things worse."

Dr. Amada lightly touched Remus's arm. "Blaming yourself won't help Harry. Now that it has happened we have to deal with it. Right now, Harry is stable; I want to keep him under observation for the next 12 to 24 hours at least. I expect he will start waking up in the next few hours, but it might take a little while before he can stay awake for more than a few minutes. When he does wake up we need to keep him calm. Depending on how the day goes, either today or tomorrow psych will consult with him, and then once he is medically cleared he will be transferred to the mental health unit. They will talk with you once they evaluate him, but I would expect him to be on the unit for a minimum of three days, possibly a full week. We can contact his therapist for you if you would like, to update them on his condition. If you give permission they could also give the psych consult some helpful background information, and be involved when they start discharge planning."

Remus just stared at her for a minute, it was so much information. But after a moment he sorted through what he needed to respond to. "Thank you, yes... Yes you can talk to her, I'll write down her information."

Harry's eyes flickered open, his eye lids seemed too heavy, there was something on his face, he needed to get it off, but he couldn't move.

"Harry, it's okay Harry"

The voice seemed far away, but Harry recognized it.

"You're in the hospital Harry, you're going to be okay."

A cold feeling of terror filled Harry's chest, and he was sure that if he didn't get whatever was covering his face off, he would suffocate. In a panic he finally managed to force his arms to move. He frantically reached for his face, but found someone grabbing at his arms.

"Harry, you need to stay still. Everything is okay!"

Harry ripped his arms away from Remus, his eyes fluttering open and closed. Once his hands were free he attacked his face, ripping off whatever had been trapping him.

Now he could see Remus a little more clearly, and the room was coming in to focus. He was in bed... A hospital bed... And there were wires and tubes all over him. He was just starting to rip at the wires on his chest when nurses and doctors flooded the room. Someone was grabbing his arms, and someone else shot something into his IV.

A moment later Harry started to feel better, he still struggled against the people holding him down, but it was like the fight had been pulled out of him. The knot in his chest was unwinding a bit.

One of the doctors, a woman standing right by his head, locked eyes with him. "Harry, you are in the hospital... You almost died last night, but we saved you. We will let go of you, but you need to leave the wires and tubes alone okay? They are keeping you safe."

Harry struggled against her angrily, his limbs were starting to feel heavy though, and he knew there was no point. "Not the thing on my face" he argued stubbornly.

The doctor looked at him, and then glanced at the nurse on the other side of him. "Okay, why don't we try a nasal cannula instead of the mask, it would just go in your nose... Is that better?"

Harry stared at her for a second, then nodded. He was too tired to care anyway. What ever they had given him was finally working, and he actually felt calm. But once the room started to clear, and he could see Remus again, the knot in his chest started to build back up. He looked so tired, so worried.

The nurse came back a moment later with a new tube, and showed Harry how to put it in his nose. He was thankful she let him put it on himself.

"My name is Anne" she said quietly as she hooked the other end of the tubing to the wall and messed with the dials. " I am going to be your nurse for the day. Now I need you to keep that tube in your nose okay, it is giving you oxygen and helping your body to heal. Those wires are telling us what your heart is doing." She moved the screen so that he could see the squiggly lines on it. "It is important for us to be able to see this, because you've lost a lot of blood, and sometimes that can cause irregular rhythms. So far you've been okay though." Now she was moving around his bed and fixing his blanket. It had gotten twisted when he was struggling. "You've also got bandages on both your wrists. The cuts were pretty deep and you had to have stitches. So you need to try not to move them too much, okay?"

Harry glanced down at his wrists, noticing the pristine white bandages, with bits of red peeking through now, for the first time. As if on cue as he looked at them they started to throb.

Anne had finished with the blanket and was picking up some of the trash that Remus had left. "Are you in any pain?"

Harry froze for a moment, then nodded slightly. He hated being asked questions like that.

Anne promised to bring him something to help with the pain, and then she left him and Remus alone.

Harry was exhausted, after fighting, and the drugs, he hardly had it in him to keep his eyes open, let alone speak. But he knew that Remus deserved a few words before he slipped away.

"I'm sorry..." He said quietly.

Remus gave him a sad smile, and came to stand by his bed. "Harry," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "Do you have any idea how proud I am of you, for coming and waking Sirius up?"

Harry just stared at him blankly.

But Remus had been thinking about what he was going to say to the teen for a long time, and he wasn't done. "I was so scared when I brought you here... We almost lost you, and I couldn't stand that. But if you hadn't had the courage to ask for help then we would have lost you for sure. Don't get me wrong, you've made some pretty foolish choices recently... And if you ever scare me like that again I will kill you myself." He said with a small laugh "but it takes a lot of courage to ask for help when you've screwed up... It takes a lot of strength... And we are going to help you Harry... It is going to get better."

Harry was at a loss for words. This was the last thing he had expected Remus to say. He wasn't proud of himself. In fact, he was so ashamed he wished he had actually managed to kill himself. He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a hole and disappear.

Just then Anne came in with his pain medicine. And Harry couldn't fight sleep anymore. He knew he would have to say something to Remus eventually, but for now he could sleep.

The next time Harry woke up he was a bit calmer. The nurse came in to check his vital signs and scared the crap out of him, but once he calmed down he was okay.

Once she was gone Harry dared to look over at Remus. He looked exhausted, and worried. But the moment that he looked over Remus cleared his face and put on a smile. "Harry, how are you feeling?"

Harry took a deep breath, Remus wasn't mad at him... He wanted to talk to him. "I don't know really... I'm tired..."

Remus nodded and chuckled "yeah, I know how you feel."

Guilt filled up in Harry's chest "I'm sorry, have you slept at all?"

Remus sighed and rubbed his hand along his forehead. "Don't worry about me Harry, I'll be fine."

Harry sighed, but he didn't fight it. He was too tired to, and he knew he wasn't really in a position to tell anyone what to do. "Where is Sirius?" he asked quietly. "I mean I know he can't be here, but he isn't alone, is he?"

Remus gave him a genuine smile for the first time since Harry had woken up. It was one of those smiles that almost hurt with sympathy, but it was still a smile. "Sirius is fine Harry, you need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on getting better."

"He's not alone?" Harry persisted.

"No," Remus relented, shaking his head "He is with the Weasley's right now."

Harry chewed his lip for a moment, then dared to ask "So who knows?"

Remus stood and ran a hand through his tangled hair. "Umm, well Snape knows, he actually stayed with me until they let me come back here, he cares for you a lot Harry."

Harry blushed, that was just what he needed, another person caring about him.

"But I don't know what they've told the Weasley's. I would assume Molly and Arthur know, I can go floo them and find out if you want?"

Harry shook his head, Remus looked exhausted, and it was his fault. He wasn't going to ask him to do anything else. "Is Sirius mad at me?" he hadn't meant to say it, but it slipped out anyway.

Remus paused in his pacing and sighed. After a moment he pulled his chair closer to Harry's bed and sat down. "Sirius loves you Harry, we both do... I think he is upset right now. You really scared us, the idea that you wanted to end things that badly... that you might have been taken from us like that... that you wanted to leave us... that hurts. But we love you Harry, and we understand that you are really hurting right now. We just want to help you, but you have to let us."

Harry bit his lip and looked away from Remus. He hadn't exactly said 'no, we aren't mad at you'. But Harry didn't blame them, he had done a horrible thing... a stupid thing... and even as he sat here feeling guilty for it, he wanted to try again... He kept thinking about different ways he could try again, looking for things to help him, and opportunities to try. He hated himself for it.

Before Harry could respond his nurse came in with some medications for him. As she set down the tray of meds she turned to Remus "Someone is outside waiting to speak to you." She said with a smile.

Remus glanced at Harry uncertainly.

Anne smiled "I'll be in here for a little while anyway. We have to give you some blood and I have to stay with you for the first fifteen minutes while it starts running.

Remus smiled gratefully. "Okay, thank you Anne." Remus stood and started to leave "I'll be back soon Harry, please behave."

Harry rolled his eyes and tried to resist the urge to stick his tongue out.

Once Remus was gone Harry watched Anne organize the several IV bags that she had on her tray and work with the many tubes that seemed to be coming out of Harry.

Anne gave Harry a sympathetic smile as she worked. "I know this is frustrating, but he is trying to help."

Harry shifted his weight and pulled his legs up into Indian style. "I don't like help." He muttered darkly.

Anne sighed as she handed him a cup with a few pills and a cup of water. "How have you been feeling since you woke up?"

Harry shrugged. "Mostly tired, my wrists hurt a bit but I'm okay."

Anne shook her head "No, I mean emotionally... A crisis like this can be really hard, it's helpful to talk about what happened and how you're feeling."

Harry scowled and looked away "I'm fine."

Anne crossed her arm and gave him a look. "Are you still having thoughts of hurting yourself?"

Harry said nothing and refused to meet her eyes.

Anne sighed "Alright Harry, I have to go see my other patients. But I'm here if you want to talk."

Harry kept his eyes on the window until she had left. In fact, he didn't bother to look up until he heard another voice at his door.

"That wasn't exactly how I wanted you to use that journal."

Harry let a small smile play across his lips. "Lou..." He said warmly. "How did you even know?"

Lou walked in and took the seat next to his bed. "They always notify me when one of my patients is hospitalized."

Harry chewed his lip for a moment, "Oh right..." he said awkwardly.

Lou gave him a sympathetic smile "Harry... we talked last week... You and I have talked about asking for help before, reaching out when you are in a dangerous place. What happened?"

Harry balled his fists and tried to look anywhere but at Lou. "I don't want to talk about this Lou." He said quietly.

Lou sighed and stood, pacing around the room. "Well Harry, you're going to have to talk about it. You don't have to talk to me, not right now at least. But you are going to have to talk to people about this, so you might as well get over it."

Harry balked at this "Why?" He asked sharply "I messed up, I get that... but I'm not going to let it happen again. I don't see why we have to talk about it. I just want to move on."

Lou sighed and shook her head "Harry, I have to go, I just came to make sure you were alright, and I don't want to get you worked up. But can I give you some advice? Over the next few days you are going to be in a lot of situations that make you uncomfortable and you won't like. But if you give the people helping you a chance, you might actually get something out of it. I know you struggle to open up and let people help you, but you have a chance here to make a real breakthrough, and I think you should at least try."

A few hours later Snape stopped by with a fresh bag of clothes for Harry, and his stuffed fox. Harry blushed as he took the animal, hugging it to his chest gratefully. "Remus, why don't you go get some lunch, I want to have a word with Harry."

Remus stood "Thank you Severus" He said gratefully. "Harry, behave while I'm gone"

Harry just rolled his eyes and ignored him. After he was gone He gave a cautious glance at Snape. "Thank you for bringing my fox..." He said quietly.

Snape nodded "The bag is actually from Sirius, he wanted you to have it."

Harry nodded quietly "Oh".

Snape paced for a few more minutes before he spoke again. Harry could tell he was angry, and didn't dare to start the conversation.

We had a deal, Harry... at the beginning of the summer... When you first came to help me in my lab you and I made a deal. Do you remember that deal?"

Harry nodded quietly, trying to choke back the tears that seemed to be pressing against his eyes.

Snape continued to pace "Tell me what our deal was?"

Harry swallowed, wishing he was anywhere else. "I could come help you, as long as I stayed clean. And if I relapsed... I had to tell you."

Snape paused and looked directly at Harry "Had you relapsed when you came to my lab the other day?"

Harry bit his lip so hard it almost bled. "Yes," he said in a barely audible voice.

Snape took a deep breath "And the potions... did you take them from my stores?"

Harry nodded slightly, he couldn't bear to speak.

Snape sank down into the chair and put his head in his hands. "Harry... Oh Harry, I'm trying really hard not to be mad at you. I know you were hurting, and you didn't see another way out. But you put me in a horrible position... I trusted you and you betrayed that trust."

Harry pulled his knees up to his chest and looked away from Snape. "I know," he said quietly. "And I'm never going to let it happen again."

Snape sighed "Harry, I'm not mad that you were suicidal, I'm mad that you didn't come to me, or Remus, or Sirius, or one of the many people who care about you. We want to help you Harry, but we can't do anything if you won't let us in."

They sat in silence until Remus returned. When he did Severus stood and gave Harry a curt nod. "Please try to get better, there are a lot of people out there who would miss you very much if anything were to happen to you. The road back from something like this is hard, but it is worth it Harry, and you can heal."

A few minutes after Severus left, a young woman wearing black slacks and a grey blazer over a faded band tee shirt knocked on the door. "Hi, I'm Dr. Anya Taylor from the psychiatric unit, I'm here to do your admissions assessment."

Harry glared at Her but Remus was standing and welcoming her in. "Hello, thank you for coming. The doctor told me to expect you."

"I'm already in the hospital." Harry frowned.

Dr. Taylor smiled as she walked over to Harry's bed. "Yes, you are. But the psychiatric unit is separate from the rest of the hospital. It isn't a medical floor, so you have to be medically cleared and discharged from the ICU, then you will be admitted to the psychiatric unit."

Harry crossed his arms and gave Remus an angry, panicked look. "I'm not going to a psych ward, I'm not crazy!" Even as Harry said it, he could hear the ridiculousness of it, but he didn't care.

Remus sighed "Harry, no one is saying you are crazy, but you tried to kill yourself last night! You need help, and as the adult in your life it's my job to make sure you stay safe."

Harry pulled himself into a ball and tried to get out of the bed, wires ripping off him as he moved. "I made a mistake, I know that! But that doesn't mean I need to be committed! I'm not going to let it happen again!"

Dr. Taylor was at his side now, blocking him from getting out of bed. "Harry," she said calmly. "I understand that you are feeling trapped right now, but if you get out of bed, if you keep ripping off those wires, you could do more damage to yourself. Why don't we all just take a minute to breathe. Remus and I will give you some space if you promise to stay in bed and not mess with any of the wires."

Harry wanted to argue with her, but he knew she was right. He nodded slightly "okay..."

Dr. Taylor and Remus both moved back, until they were standing on the opposite wall of the room. They didn't move or make a sound until Harry spoke again. "I don't have a choice, do I? You're going to make me go no matter what..." He finally said, holding back tears.

Dr. Taylor nodded quietly. "Harry, we are worried about you, about your ability to keep yourself safe right now. And so we are going to help you stay safe until you are feeling better. But you will start feeling better, I promise." She motioned for Remus to move to comfort Harry while she pulled from chairs over to Harry's bed. "Why don't we talk about what is going to happen over the next few days. I will give you as much information as I can so that you please know what to expect. And then you can ask any questions you might have. Afterwards I'd like to talk to each of you alone for a bit, if that's okay with you Harry."

Harry gave a slight nod, he was suddenly very tired, and very nervous about what the next few days would hold.

Dr. Taylor, Anya she told them to call her, gave them a rundown of St Mungo's psychiatric program. Harry would be there for a minimum of three days, but many kids stayed more than a week. He would have a roommate, and would spend most of his days in group or individual therapy. Closer to his discharge they would have team meetings that Remus would come to, and Harry would be invited to participate in some of the meetings too. The unit had a lot of rules, and Harry would get oriented to the floor when they admitted him. They were allowed to get letters only from their parents or guardians for the first three days, and then they could also have friends write to them as long as their parents were okay with it. A lot of their program focused on teaching the patients to ask for help when they needed it, and how to communicate better with their families and doctors. They also had visiting hours, but only for one hour in the afternoon, and only for family members.

After they had talked about the plan, Anya asked Remus to excuse them so that she could talk to Harry alone for a few minutes. This was what Harry had been dreading.

Anya smiled at him warmly as she adjusted her chair to better face him. "I know you are nervous about talking with me Harry, and upset about being in the hospital. But I really do want to help you, and I can only help you if I understand what brought you here."

Harry crossed his arms and bit his lip. He hated talking to people like this. She wanted him to do something he just couldn't. They were always telling him he needed to open up more. And while he understood what they meant in a broader sense, he didn't know how to do it, he just didn't know what to say.

Anya seemed to understand this though, and so she started asking questions. "Can you tell me what brought you to the hospital?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "You know what" he muttered angrily.

Anya shook her head "I know that you were brought in last night due to a drug overdose and blood loss from cuts to both your wrists. I want you to help me understand how that happened."

Harry chewed his lip and squirmed a bit. "Why does it matter? I'm not going to do it again. Lesson learned, don't try to off yourself!"

Anya sighed "Harry, if you had come into the hospital with an infection, or an injury due to an accident, we would talk about how it happened, what led up to it, and how to prevent it. I just want to do the same here. You are not in trouble, I am not blaming you for what happened, but if you really want to prevent this from happening again, we need to talk about what happened, and what we could do differently next time to keep from getting here again."

Harry glared at the wall for a moment, thinking about what she was saying. She is right... I have to at least try...He thought tiredly. But it's not like they can actually help. Finally, Harry relented that he was never going to get out of the hospital if he didn't play their game. "Fine, what do you want to know?"

Anya nodded in thanks, "I want you to tell me about what happened last night, help me understand how we got here."

Harry took a deep breath and started his tale. He wasn't sure how much he should say, but he didn't really have the energy to lie, and he had a feeling she would have called him on it anyway.

"Two days ago I testified at my uncle's hearing... He... he is a bad person, and it was the first time I had seen him since I went to live with Remus at the beginning of the summer. I was really scared to testify, but I wanted to do it. It was horrible... I thought things would get better once the trial was over, the next day, but it just got worse. After he was found guilty he broke free from the guards and started yelling and saying awful things. I don't really remember it, but it was horrible. Remus and Tonks had to practically drag me out of the room.'

"Later while I was at the lab helping Snape, one of the professors at Hogwarts who has been letting me help him over the summer, I was putting away some vials and I noticed the dreamless sleep. I wasn't planning to do anything exactly, but I couldn't stop thinking about it... so I took a few of the vials home with me. Anyway, the night after the ruling was awful. I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares... and so I was going to take some of the potion... but then I thought about how I would still wake up, and I didn't want to... so I took it all. After that I cut, because if I was going to die I might as well. Then once I started to black out I panicked and somehow managed to get to ... Remus's... room and wake him up. After that I woke up here."

Anya gave him a sad smile. "Thank you for sharing that with me Harry, I know it couldn't have been easy." After a moment she added "Before two days ago, and the trial, had you ever thought about hurting yourself before?"

Harry shrugged, the words coming a bit easier now. "I mean, I cut for years, until this summer when Remus found out nobody had ever cared... But you mean had I thought about killing myself?" Harry hesitated to answer, worried that it might get him in more trouble. "Not really, there were times... when things were really bad, that I wished I was dead... but I never thought about killing myself, I didn't want to die."

Harry could tell by the look on Anya's face that she didn't believe him, but she didn't press. "What about since you've woken up? It's not uncommon for people to still have suicidal thoughts after a failed attempt... in fact, it's rare not to. Even people who want to live can struggle with thoughts of suicide."

Harry shrugged as casually as he could, but his voice shook when he spoke. "I made a mistake, and I know that... the moment I started to black out I regretted it."

"That isn't the same as not having suicidal thoughts Harry," Anya said carefully.

Harry clenched his fists "What does it matter? I'm not going to try again." He said forcefully.

Anya sighed and shook her head. "Harry, it matters. You matter. Having thoughts of suicide can be very distressing, and we want to help you. You aren't going to get anywhere by lying to us, or yourself."

Harry snapped, banging his fists into the mattress as he spoke. "FINE! I think about it, I wish I had died! Are you happy? I look at Remus's face, at how tired he is, how worried he is, and I still wish I had had the guts to lie there and let myself die!" Harry practically spat the words, and he hated himself for saying them "I'm selfish, Uncle Vernon was right, I don't deserve good parents." He said as he bit back tears.

For a long moment, Anya was silent. And when she spoke it was in a calm, soft voice. "Harry, I am so sorry you are feeling this way, it must be terribly frightening. But I promise you, we are going to do everything we can to keep you safe. And you are not always going to feel this way. And Harry, your uncle was wrong, about so many things. Children do not have to earn good parents, parenting is not hinged on the child's behavior. A good parent loves their child unconditionally, and does everything they can to help them, not to hurt them. Remus cares for you immensely, and while he may be upset about what happened, it's because he is worried about your wellbeing, not because he is angry with you."

Harry took a shaky breath, and after a moment of eye contact, he looked away and folded his arms around himself. "Are we done yet?" He asked in a horribly small voice. "I'm tired."

Anya nodded and started to gather her things. "Yes Harry, we can be done for now. Thank you very much for being honest with me, you were very brave." She quietly gathered her things and walked out the door, pausing just outside the room until an aide could come in to sit with Harry while she spoke with Remus.

Harry curled himself into a ball around his stuffed fox and ignored the aide, pressing his eyes shut tight to keep the tears from spilling out.