Chapter Twelve : Morning Group

At seven am Jennifer flipped on the light in their room and offered a chipper "Good morning boys!"

Harry and Draco simultaneously groaned. Harry hadn't been asleep, he hardly slept at all anymore, but he didn't want to get out of bed either.

Jennifer took each of their vitals, and asked them a few questions. She dealt with Draco first, and smiled as she came over to Harry and strapped on the automatic blood pressure cuff. "Are you feeling better this morning?" She asked kindly.

Harry blushed, thinking of how she would have last seen him. "Yeah, sorry about last night... I was, I was being stupid. It won't happen again."

Jennifer smiled "Harry, you are allowed to get upset here, and it's not stupid. We want to help you learn how to express those feelings in a safer way." When Harry didn't respond she moved on. "How did you sleep last night?" she asked as she felt his pulse.

Harry shrugged "Normal..."

She gave him a silly annoyed look "What is normal Harry?"

He chuckled and shrugged "I don't know... I was knocked out until three, then when I came in here I was up for a while... I think I fell asleep around four... then I woke up at like five because I had a nightmare, and I've been up since then."

Jennifer gave him a sad look "Harry, that's not normal... that's only an hour of sleep!"

Harry shrugged "And I slept when they drugged me, I think I actually got more sleep than I normally do," He added with a smirk.

Jennifer sighed and looked at him with a sad, sympathetic look that Harry hated. Once she left Harry started to get ready for the day. They only had thirty minutes before their first group, and then breakfast.

"I hate it when they look at me like that." He grumbled to Draco as he sifted through the bag of clothes that he had aimlessly thrown into his closet the day before. It looked like Snape hadn't bothered to pack him any long sleeves. It was probably intentional, he thought darkly. It was warm on the unit, it was July after all, but Harry knew people would see his scars.

Draco paused in his own getting ready "Like what?"

Harry shrugged "Like I'm broken... like I'm some story you hear on the six o'clock news about a kid who was locked in someone's basement for his entire life having ice cream for the first time or something."

Draco raised an eyebrow "But you have had ice cream? Right? Because that would really be abuse."

Harry rolled his eyes and threw the bag he was holding at him while he laughed "You're horrible" He said as he pretended to be upset.

Draco just laughed and continued to get dressed, "Yeah but I'm funny."

Harry sighed, throwing the last shirt in the pile aside "They didn't pack me a single long sleeve shirt, or even a sweatshirt... What am I supposed to do?"

Draco shrugged, "It's warm, wear short sleeves."

Harry bit his lip. "But then people will see my scars..."

Draco gave a look of shock "And then the people on the psych ward might realize you are crazy!"

Harry rolled his eyes again "I know... I just... I don't like it..."

Now Draco gave him a more sympathetic look "Listen Harry, I know it's hard, but there are a lot of people here with scars... When you are in a place like this you lose a lot of privacy. It sucks, but it's for our benefit... They just want to keep us safe, and every kid here is dealing with it in some way or another. Just be glad they aren't following you into the bathroom."

Harry raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment on that last bit. "Yeah, you're right..." He said begrudgingly as he pulled on a tee shirt. Harry started to follow Draco out of their room but paused before leaving the room.

Draco turned back, looking at him expectantly, after a moment he gave him a sympathetic look. "Harry, everyone freaks out at least once when they get here, it's normal."

Harry looked at him doubtfully. "Does everyone lose control of their magic and throw a therapist against a wall?" he argued.

Draco laughed "no, but I doubt you're the first. I promise, if anyone is looking at you funny it's because you're hanging out with me, I'm kind of famous you know." He said with a wink.

Harry laughed, and relented, following Draco down to the dining room, Draco had explained that they had the 'community meeting' in the dining room each day before breakfast. Most of the other groups were conducted in the rec room. When they got to the dining room Draco went immediately to the table his friends sat at, and gave Lucy a sharp look "Move over Luc, I'm sitting next to Harry."

Lucy smiled flirtatiously, "oh come on Dray, I'm sure we can share him" she said with a smirk.

Draco scowled and shook his head "I know you don't mean anything by it, but you make him uncomfortable, so just move."

She glared at him, but didn't argue anymore. Once she was sitting across from Harry she smiled more shyly "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable Harry" She practically whispered "Sometimes I go a little crazy and I forget that not everyone around me likes it…"

Harry offered her a stiff smile "It's okay…" He said awkwardly "I mean we're all crazy in one way or another right?"

Before Lucy could respond Dr. Taylor had walked into the room and was greeting the group. "Hey kids!" She said brightly "How are we all doing this morning?"

The room mumbled various versions of 'fine' and Dr. Taylor Took a seat at the head of the room. Harry noticed that most of the kids here called her Anya, the way she had asked him to.

"Alright, let's get this community meeting started!" She said with too much enthusiasm for Harry's taste, given the early hour. "I take it you all met our new community member last night?" She asked as she nodded to Harry.

Most of the room nodded, but Lenny stood emphatically "He nearly KILLED US!" He shouted, side stepping away from Harry nervously.

Harry hated attention under most circumstances, he had felt his ears burning when Dr. Taylor had introduced him yet again, but now he wanted to melt into the ground and disappear.

Before he could respond Lucy was jumping to his defense. "He was just scared, Lenny! If I remember correctly you peed yourself your first night here, so you're one to talk!"

More voices from around the room were starting to chime in, but Dr. Taylor was standing now, not quite shouting, but raising her voice enough to be heard. Harry wanted to die, more than he had ever wanted to die before. She's yelling, she was yelling at me, and it's all my fault. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, and he was determined not to cry in front of all these people. He could hear Dr. Taylor talking, saying something about thinking about other people's feelings, but he couldn't stand to sit there. He had to move, so he stood up and left. Her voice followed him for a moment, trying to call him back to the group, but it faded as he walked away.

He walked determinedly to his room, only to find that there was nothing there to make him feel better. He paced in the room, clenching and unclenching his fists, wishing he had his blade with him. But I promised Remus and Sirius that I wouldn't do that anymore…He barked a laugh at the thought, he was in a locked psych ward, because he had overdosed on dreamless sleep and slashed up his wrists, he had broken so many promises, it hardly seemed as if any more mattered now.

TW: Self Harm

He was biting his lip, trying to calm himself, but it wasn't enough. He glanced down at his wrists, the bandages not quite as pristine as they had been when he woke up, but still there… His eyes shot around the room nervously, still pacing he grabbed his left arm with his right and dug his nails in.

Pain like a fire shot through his arm, but it had the desired effect, the panic was still there, but his mind was a bit clearer. It was then, with the room coming into focus a bit more, that he saw Jennifer standing in his doorway, and he knew he was in trouble.

End TW

But Jennifer didn't look mad, she didn't even look scared or disappointed as Remus had always been. She just smiled at him calmly "Hey Harry," She said in a soft voice. "Can you talk to me about what happened? What's wrong?"

Harry continued pacing, trying to keep an eye on her, but needing to keep moving. "It doesn't matter" He mumbled as he paced.

Jennifer let out a small sigh "Harry, obviously you are upset right now, I know it's hard, but talking about it will help."

Harry glared at her, but he was getting tired, and his arm was throbbing. He slowed his pacing, finally coming to stand still with his bed between them. "You won't get mad?" He asked hesitantly. He knew she wouldn't, logically he knew that all of these people were trying to help him, that they cared about him and wouldn't hurt him. That his aunt and uncle had been bad people, but not all adults were. But he couldn't help worrying about it.

Jennifer nodded quietly "I promise Harry" She said firmly.

He held his breath for a moment, not wanting to believe her, it was so much easier to not believe anyone, to assume everyone was bad. But she was right, if he didn't talk about things, he was never going to get out of here. "I don't like attention…" He said, uncertain of where he was going with this. "They were all looking at me… Hating me… and then Dr. Taylor… she was yelling… I just, I couldn't stay…. I couldn't sit there with all of them yelling at me. I had to leave."

Jennifer nodded, slowly moving to the chair that sat next to the door, after a moment Harry followed suit and sat on his bed. "He always yelled at me." He barely whispered under his breath.

Jennifer's face stayed neutral "Your uncle?" She asked quietly.

Harry nodded "Both of them, but mostly him… Aunt Petunia didn't dare raise her voice when he was in the house, so I think she made up for it when he wasn't."

"I'm sorry, that sounds very frightening."

Harry didn't look at Jennifer, but he appreciated her, she seemed like a nice person, and she didn't look shocked or pity him when he talked about his relatives, although he was sure she knew what they had done. "I just really don't like it when people yell, even when they aren't yelling at me… I just can't help but feel like they are. I start to panic…" He looked down at his throbbing arm, little dots of blood peeking through the bandage. "I didn't mean to do that" he said quietly "I mean I did, but I wasn't planning it when I left… I was just upset, and I didn't know what to do."

Jennifer had moved onto his bed now, and taken his left arm in her hands. "I know Harry, I'm sure someone has told you that self-harm is an addiction? It's a learned response… and you've learned to deal with stress and emotions that way, so it's going to take some time to relearn other ways to cope."

Harry nodded, Lou had told him that. "This is so stupid" He muttered as Jennifer produced a packaged gauze roll from some unknown scrub pocket and dawned gloves to start redressing his wrist. "I was doing so well… I hadn't cut in weeks… Now I'm back to square one." He looked away as she pulled the last of the old bandage from his arms, not sure he wanted to see the damage he had done.

"Relapse happens, it's a part of recovery. The important thing to do now is learn from it, and figure out how you can do things differently next time." Her lips twitched as she caught Harry's expression "Yeah, there will be a next time. Bad things will always happen, Harry."

He chuckled, "Now you're the one who's starting to sound depressed."

Jennifer smiled "You know what I mean, you are going to get upset again at some point in your life, you might even have suicidal thoughts again, but if you learn to cope with them, to ask for help when you need it, then those feelings won't be so scary or catastrophic." She was wrapping fresh white gauze over his arm now. After a pause she asked "Speaking of which, how are you feeling today? Are you still having suicidal thoughts?"

Harry balked at the question "No!" he said quickly, then he gave her a sheepish look, realizing how ridiculous that sounded. "I mean… I don't know… I don't want to die right now... Like I'm not planning on trying anything when I get out of here… but if I'm being honest, when I first came in here I think if I had the means I might have done something very stupid."

Jennifer nodded "Thank you for being honest with me." She had finished taping his dressing, and glanced at her watch "Do you think you're ready to go rejoin the group? It's almost breakfast time now."

Harry shrugged "I don't eat breakfast anyway" He noticed the concerned look that Jennifer was giving him and bit his lip "But yeah, I'll go now." He said quickly, hurrying to leave the room before she started lecturing him on the importance of breakfast.

The group was winding down when he walked in and slipped back into his seat. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, but he tried to ignore them. Dr. Taylor thanked him for returning, but didn't bring any other attention to him. They were talking about everyone's goals for the day, and how they planned to accomplish them. Harry was just grateful she didn't ask him for a goal.

Within five minutes the meeting was over and the aides were passing out breakfast trays. Draco gave Harry a worried glance "You okay mate?" He asked quietly, so as not to attract the attention of the rest of the group. He was looking pointedly at the fresh bandage on Harry's wrist.

Harry nodded "I was pretty upset… not my best moment, but I didn't do too much damage."

Draco nodded, then turned to the trays that had been set in front of them. Quickly tucking into his while Harry just pushed his eggs around with a fork.

"What, no coffee here?" Harry asked in dismay.

Dennis laughed, "Yeah, cause that's exactly what crazy kids need, caffeine."

Harry scowled at him "Yeah well I hardly slept last night, and I always drink coffee…."

Jennifer was standing next to him with a cup of pills in her hand, she gave him a sympathetic look "I'm sorry kid, no caffeine here at all. It sucks, but after a few days you won't miss it much. I can give you something to help with the headache if you want."

Harry nodded glumly as he downed the pills she had handed him without bothering to ask what they were. He could only assume they had him on an antidepressant, and probably something for anxiety, maybe even something for the pain in his arms. Jennifer gave his still full plate a pointed look, and sighing he picked up his fork and took a few bites.

The food tasted dry in his mouth, he wanted to spit it out, but he knew that would be a mistake, so he gulped it down. He only got one more bite down before he started to feel like the food was choking him, and gave up. Once the rest of his table was done they headed toward the rec room, telling Harry that they were allowed to watch TV for an hour after breakfast each morning. But before they reached the other end of the unit Dr. Taylor had found him, and asked if she could speak with him.

Harry knew she wanted to talk about him leaving the group, and probably what had happened at the evening group too. He felt what little food he had eaten start to lurch up in his stomach, but swallowed it back down as he followed her to one of the exam rooms.

This room wasn't set up like a normal exam room, but more like Lou's office had been. The chairs were dingy, and instead of bookshelves the walls were lined with locked file cabinets, but Harry was thankful that at least his chair was closest to the door.

Dr. Taylor smiled as she settled into her chair, placing a manila folder he could only assume was his file on the table beside her. "How are you doing today Harry?" She asked kindly.

He shrugged, "I would be better if I could have some coffee."

Dr. Taylor nodded " a lot of our older teens complain about that. I understand that it is frustrating, but it's against policy." She paused for a moment to see if Harry wanted to discuss this further before she moved on to the reason she had asked to speak with him. "Harry, there are some things we need to discuss."