Guys, I know, I'm terrible. I'm another week and a day late. We're in the busy season at my work and I just got a promotion so I'm working like all day everyday. I think, at least for the rest of the year, I'm gonna update every other week. Its less stress on me and I can create more quality chapters. Of course, there might be a week where the juices are just flowing but I'm not gonna make any promises I can't keep. I hope you guys understand.

I also want to give you guys a bit of a warning for this chapter. There is mention of rape and self harm. Nothing detailed. Just implications. I just wanted to warn you.

Life working at the BAU had reached a normal. We'd go on cases, we'd (hopefully) solve cases, and then we'd go home. The cycle would then repeat. Sure, we'd hang out, go out to dinner, go to a bar, and whatnot too. Those times were fun. I loved being with my coworkers. We always have a blast together. Even being around Spencer has been pretty good. We've been able to be alone and not have things get awkward. Well, most of the time. The sexual tension comes back every now and then. There were still moments when I wanted to throw myself on him and kiss him but for the most part that had died down. Ben and I have put more effort into our relationship and I think that has really helped.

Well, I should say life working at the BAU was normal until Emily died. It was very unexpected. Her whole backstory with Ian Doyle was very unexpected. The days leading up to it were a turmoil and a blur. We worked round the clock in an effort to get Doyle and help Emily. Unfortunately, our efforts were in vain.

That night at the hospital was a rough one. Morgan had an arm around Penelope and myself as we cried over the loss of our friend. JJ, who had come back to help, was holding Spencer as he openly sobbed. "I never got to say goodbye," he muttered and it resonated with me. None of us did. None of us got to tell Emily we loved her, appreciated her. We never got to say how we can't function without her. We never got to plead for her to stay. She was taken too fast. Too soon.

I stayed with Penelope that night. I didn't want to go back to my apartment alone. We sat on the couch, a huge blanket covering us and as we shared a gallon tub of ice cream. Neither of us wanted to go to sleep, we were afraid of the nightmares it would bring. Instead we put on some old sitcoms in the hopes they would help.

They didn't.

"I miss her," I said softly, staring at my spoonful of ice cream. We had both been crying off and on since Emily died. We were trying to keep ourselves together, but it was a struggle. We both loved and missed her so badly if physically ached.

"I do too," she choked out. Tears were flowing from her eyes again, more of her mascara running. She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose loudly, then adding it to the already overflowing trash can. It didn't matter. We could clean later.

I put my spoon in my mouth, eating the ice cream off of it. I found it easier to control my cries if I was eating something. That only worked to a certain degree.

We didn't really sleep that night. We stayed up until the sun rose, talking and crying about Emily. We tried to cheer ourselves up with happy stories, but that seemed to only make us cry more. And it didn't help that Penelope had taken Emily's cat, Sergio. The cat was a darling but seeing him run around reminded me of Emily. Especially when he jumped up and tried to eat our ice cream.

Emily's death definitely caused a riff in the BAU. Hotch left to join another task force that sent him over seas. JJ came back, but this time as a profiler. She had told me she wanted to and that she was in training for it. It was such a pleasure to actually have her back on the team.

Spencer also left which made me really sad. I knew he had gone to visit his mom for at least a few days. I wasn't sure what he was doing once he got back. At the BAU we tried to keep ourselves busy with different assignments. It was pretty much one right after another right after another. It was a bit exhausting.

Morgan and Penelope were trying to look for Ian Doyle on the down low. I helped out when I could. Since the case was, in the eyes of the bureau, closed no one could know about the work. There were files and files of information that Morgan had dug up. It took longer to go over the information since there were only a few of us and we had to do it on personal time.

About two months after Emily had passed, I was in my apartment. It had been weeks since I last spoke to Spencer or Hotch. I didn't know what either of them were doing or what they were up to. I trusted Hotch to take care of himself. He seemed to be the most composed that night at the hospital. Of course that raised some suspicions with me. He was almost too composed.

Spencer was the one I wanted to talk to the most but I didn't know how to go about doing it. JJ had given me updates but it's not the same as seeing and talking to the person yourself. As these thoughts whirled around in my head, my phone started to ring. I groaned, thinking it was another case. All I wanted was one night to relax and not try to find a killer.

My heart fluttered a bit when my caller ID showed that it wasn't the BAU. It was Spencer. As quickly as I could, I answered. "Hey, there," I said pleasantly.

"Hey, Lila, it's Spencer," he said and I couldn't help but giggle.

"Yeah, I figured. That's the name that came up on the caller ID."

"Right, yeah. Forgot about that." I could hear the embarrassment in his voice. But also sadness.

"That's alright. What can I do for you, Spencer?"

"Uh, are you busy right now?"

"Nope, I'm free."

"Do you mind if I come over for a bit?"

"Not at all, Spence."

"Okay, then, I'll be there in a few minutes."

"I'll leave the door open." I hung up my phone and sat down on my couch. With JJ was back at the BAU, we talked a lot more since we saw each other almost every day. She told me Spencer was over at her house several times a week, crying. It broke my heart. JJ had told me her, Will, and Henry were going out of town for a few days to visit Will's side of the family. I figured that since JJ isn't here to console Spencer, he chose me.

About ten minutes later Spencer walked in, looking upset and disheveled. He quietly closed the door and glanced over at me. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hey, Spence." I patted the seat next to me. "Come and sit. Want me to get you anything? Coffee? Water? Tea?"

"Um, no, I'm okay." He clearly wasn't but I was not going to contest him. He sat down next to me and a moment a silence passed between us.

"I know you're here because JJ isn't around to help you," I whispered and looked over at him. He didn't meet my eyes. He only nodded. "Tell me how I can help you."

He sniffled. "I…I don't know how to help me. If I did, I wouldn't need to keep going to JJ's. It's been weeks and I still don't feel any better. Everything hurts."

"I know," I said softly. I reached over and grabbed his hand. He didn't stop me. "I'm hurting too."

"But it's different," Spencer almost snapped. "This pain it makes me… It makes me…" He was struggling to finish what he was about to say.

"Want to hurt yourself?" I offered. In an instant, his eyes were on mine. He didn't need to say anything else. "I know. I feel the same."

"Lila-" he started to say, bewildered.

"It doesn't matter how much time passes since you last did it. You know you're capable of it. The urges are there, given the circumstances. Even after ten years."

We sat on my couch, holding hands, for what felt like a lifetime. No other words were needed, really. We both knew how the other felt. We both understood each other a little bit better. It was a blessing and a curse.

He was the first one to break the silence. "I got captured by an unsub once. Tobias Hankle. He…he tortured me with drugs. Dilaudid. I…I became addicted. It's been awhile since, since I last shot up. Years. But…but with Emily gone…" Tears were falling from his eyes and his voice cracked as he spoke.

"You feel like doing it again." It wasn't a question. I squeezed his hand in reassurance. "It's okay to have the feeling. That's gonna happen. Its how you handle the feeling that matters."

"I haven't done it. It's not what Emily would have wanted."

There was another moment of silence. I was debating if I wanted to share my story. I knew he wouldn't press me for details. That's not who he is. That's not who we are. But he opened up to me about his struggle and his past. I felt like I should do the same for him.

"When I was fourteen, almost fifteen, I wanted to be more mature than I was. I started acting, behaving, and dressing like I was an adult. Especially dressing. It attracted the attention from this guy who was almost six years older than me. At the time, I thought this was good. People were seeing me as an adult. I didn't realize how fucking creepy it was at the time. Anyways, I wanted to be an adult. I needed to act like an adult. So…I acted like an adult…with this guy. I didn't know why at the time, but I didn't like how I felt after that. I didn't like who I was becoming. I felt yucky and icky and confused. I thought I had done something wrong. So…I started to hurt myself. It made me feel better. I didn't know what was going on in my mind. I couldn't control my thoughts. But I felt like I could control this. I couldn't, really, but it felt like I could. Anyways, it took a couple years and some therapy to get better."

I hadn't told many people about that part of my past. My closest friends and family are really the only ones that know.

"I'm really sorry." Spencer spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear him. He scooted closer to me and I did the same. I leaned my head against his shoulder, feeling a calmness come over me as I did so.

"Thanks, Spencer." I adjusted myself so I could look up at him. "I'm sorry about your struggle too. I can't even imagine what it must have been like to have a drug addiction and be part of the FBI."

"I was lucky it was kept hush hush. The team knew but they never ratted me out. I probably would have lost my job if they had."

"Wow. Then we would have never met." I couldn't imagine working for the BAU without Spencer being part of it. It would be so empty without him.

"I know. I can't imagine not knowing you." I smiled as Spencer spoke. It made me happy that we were on the same page with that. Even if nothing romantic ever happens between us, I'm so incredibly thankful that I have him in my life. He's one of my best friends.

We stayed in that position for a while. Leaning on each other for comfort. It was the solace we both needed and I don't think we realized it until now. We had both struggled in the past and that struggle seemed to bring us together.

Another chapter down! I hope you guys have enjoyed the story so far. And I hope you understand the bigger spacing between updates. Being an adult is so exhausting.