Chapter Eighteen: The plan

All things considered, Harry made it work. By a month into school, he had a system down. He pretended to go to sleep with his schoolmates, then snuck into the bathroom to read until he couldn't keep his eyes open. A silencing spell around his bed and he was able to get a few hours of sleep before he woke up screaming and drenched in sweat. By then it was late enough that he could get up, and find something to do. Since he was staying up late doing homework, he often found himself going for an early morning jog around the lake.

Breakfast wasn't getting much easier, but after a few weeks of faking it, eyes weren't on him as much and as long as he managed to put something in his mouth no one noticed. Between the lack of sleep and the early morning runs, he was drinking more coffee than ever, but he managed to stay awake in his classes.

Therapy was a harder problem to solve. He had tried to tell Sirius and Remus that he was too busy with school, but they weren't having it, and he knew if he fought them it would raise suspicions. Eventually he devised a plan, stole some of Remus's stationary, and wrote Lou a letter 'from Remus' explaining that due to the strain of school, Harry would be taking a break from therapy. Lou almost caught him, she didn't seem to like the idea at all.

Harry sat in her chair trying to look as calm and healthy as possible. I can't let her see how nervous I am. "It's just that… I'm finally in a stable place, and Remus and Sir think that maybe it's a good time to take a break. I'm coping with stuff, you know?" He paused, daring to glance up at the therapist. "And things are kind of good right now. I know we have more work to do, and that I have more trauma to process…. I think they just want to give me a chance at a normal school year."

Lou hadn't exactly bought his lies, but apparently she believed that his guardians had. She tried to owl them. but Harry carefully intercepted the owl and took the letter.

Remus and Sirius were another problem he needed to avoid. He tried to get out of their Friday night dinners when he could, but every so often he had to go. He started practicing glamor spells at night, and soon had them perfected. It was too exhausting to wear them all the time, but as long as Remus and Sir thought he was well rested it hardly mattered.

Despite all the time he spent studying, his grades were starting to suffer, he stayed awake in class, but only because of the caffeine pills another kid had smuggled him, trading for sedatives Harry refused to take, and he was hardly paying attention. One day McGonagall called him to her office to discuss his marks, and he was sure that he was caught.

"Mr. Potter, I know you've had an exceptionally hard year, and I'm not shocked that it has been reflected in your work, but I have to warn you that things are going to get serious if you don't start turning it around. If your grades go any lower, you won't be allowed to play Quidditch anymore! As it is, I'm going to have to owl your guardians and let them know that you are on academic probation." She sighed and paused "I know you are a bright boy Harry, so I know that this material isn't too hard for you, but if you're having trouble focusing in class, perhaps a tutor would be helpful?"

Harry shook his head quickly "No, I'm okay Professor… I just need to apply myself more, I'm sorry." He was trying to think quickly, how to intercept her owl. "I'll be going home tonight…" He ventured "Would you like for me to give the letter to Remus?"

McGonagall looked hesitant, but relented. Harry wasn't sure if she was a sucker, or if she was trying to win his trust, but he didn't care as long as he got what he needed.

The only place he couldn't seem to escape notice, was in potions. He continued to go to the lab with Draco and the others, despite knowing that Snape was watching him. After three weeks, Snape pulled him aside as the other three students set about their tasks.

"Harry," He said quietly, his eyes full of concern, "Are you doing okay? You seem tired lately… distracted…"

Harry bit his lip, debating his options with the man standing in front of him. I can't lie to Snape, even if I could… I doubt I would get away with it… But I can't tell him the truth…. Harry shuffled his feet "I'm okay Severus… I just…" His voice broke a bit. "I've been having a lot of nightmares lately." He bit his lip again. "Lou and I are working through some really hard stuff, and I guess it's just taking a toll. I'll try harder, I promise." I'm scum, I don't deserve these people.

Snape patted Harry's shoulder, shaking his head sympathetically. "It's okay Harry, I know you're giving it your best."

Harry tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but guilt held it there. He trusts me so much, they all do… and they shouldn't. Harry had started to become obsessive about the idea that he might get caught. He thought about it constantly, all the ways it could happen, what would happen, how upset everyone would be. A small part of him craved it, I don't want to get in trouble… but I'm so tired… I don't know. He thought about the time he had spent on the unit, how all responsibilities and expectations had been taken away. But at the same time he did everything he could to protect his secrets. I can't let them catch me… I just can't.

The next week Draco cornered him as they were walking out of the lab. "Alright Potter, the jig is up… what's going on with you? You look like hell, are you cutting again?"

Harry avoided the boy's glare "No!" He really wasn't, he couldn't lie to himself forever, he knew that he wasn't coping well, but he hadn't gone back to that. And I won't, I don't do that anymore. "I'm fine Draco, just haven't been sleeping great."

Draco looked at him a little more closely. "Have you talked to anyone about that? Cause it seems to me it's been going on for a while… You're hardly eating, you're up at dawn every day running around that damn lake… And you hardly talk to anyone. I find it hard to believe none of the responsible adults in your life are worried."

Harry shrugged "I've got a lot going on, but it's fine." When Draco didn't relent Harry started to get angry "You're one to talk anyway, looking a bit pale there, aren't you Dray?" He accused "I've seen you rushing out of the great hall."

Draco glared back, unable to think of a retort. "Harry, I'm really worried about you" he finally said more softly "And it seems you've somehow fooled everyone else, but you haven't fooled me."

Harry slumped for a moment, just for a second letting the wall fall down. "Fine," His voice was barely audible. "I'm not doing great, but I'm doing my best, okay? I just need to get through the semester…" He didn't finish the statement, because he knew that there was no way to end it, nothing would change when he left school for the holidays.

Draco seemed to understand though, or perhaps he just wasn't willing to expose his own struggle. He nodded "Fine, but we need to make a deal… If you're getting to that dark place, where you think about…. you know, then you come to me, okay?"

Harry nodded slowly "It goes both ways though, deal?"

Draco paused for a long moment, then nodded as well "Deal."