Sooo... hi! It has literally been 3 years. I'm as shocked as you are that I'm actually updating. Honestly for a bit I forgot about this and then I wanted to go back and write more but then I just didn't know what and then life happened like the last time I updated I had just applied to grad school and now I'm in my final semester. Also I bought a house? Crazy.

Anyways, here you are! I did a brief read through to kind of remember what all I had written so here's hoping this is still somewhat cohesive. More notes at the end!

To say things were once again awkward was an understatement. Spencer was never good at small talk and now he didn't even make an attempt at it. Not that I could say I blamed him. I know I hurt him deeply, and for my own selfish reasons.

"That was weeks again, my pretty," Garcia said, taking it upon herself to go through my cupboard. "Try and talk to him again. You guys are too cute not to try."

I exhaled loudly as I watched her. "Yes, but he won't stay in the same room with me for more than thirty seconds. And it's not like I've been helpful with that either."

Grabbing my unopened bag of sour cream and onion chips, Penelope sat down across from me at my kitchen table. "Okay, so we get the two of you in a room together and force you to talk." She yanked the bag open, helping herself to a handful of chips.

"That doesn't really work if you tell me about it beforehand." I bit down on the pen in my hand. The inside of my cheeks was starting to bleed from me chewing on them. "Besides, I have more important things to worry about."

"Dolly," she said, eating another handful of my chips. "You're gonna do great, okay? You're, like, the smartest person on the team besides Reid."

I pushed all my papers to the side as I laid my head on the table. "I feel like a real dummy though."

"Do you wanna stress eat?" I heard the bag crinkle, the smell of the sour cream now closer.

I picked my head up and saw her passing me the bag. I grabbed it, taking my own handful of chips, and eating them. "I really do."

Xoxo

Avoiding her was easier the second time around. Work seemed to be busier and that mostly kept him occupied. Thankfully, she didn't try to corner him this time. She seemed just as distant. Part of him wanted her to fight back like before and part of him couldn't stomach it.

He could still see her quick gazes at him. Still see her cheeks redden when he caught her. Still felt the pain in his chest every time.

He wasn't going to let that stop him, though. He was going to be professional. And it seemed like she was going to try to be professional as well.

Everyone was gone for the day. He let himself zone out for a bit as he finished up his paperwork.

"Fuck!"

The shout caught his attention. He had thought everyone had left for the night, but that explicit sounded like Lila.

Worried something was wrong, he quickly got up and went to her office. Tapping on the closed door he called out to her. "Lila? You okay?"

There was a beat of silence before she replied. "It's open."

That was all he needed to come in. She was staring at her computer, her legs bent and feet resting on her chair. She had her arms around them. "I thought you had left." He rested his body weight against her doorframe.

Silently, she shook her head. "I just closed my door." Reaching out she moved the mouse and continued to stare at her computer. "It's peaceful here."

Taking it slow, he walked up to her. She didn't move. She just kept staring at her screen at what looked like her dissertation. "Mental block?" he guessed.

"You could say that." Quickly, but not too fast for him, she scrolled up a few pages. He could see the edits she had made from the last time. Her paper looked stronger than it had been. "I defend in-"

"Three weeks and 5 days," he responded too quickly. He wouldn't forget her defense date.

She wrapped her arm back around her legs. "Exactly. And I just can't…" She sniffled, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan. "I can't figure out the workings of this paragraph to make it flow with the rest, but it has the information I need to present and I don't know how to work it in anywhere else and I feel like I'm just not cut out for this anymore."

This job wasn't easy and doing it while in school added on layers of stress he could only imagine. Sure, he had done it. But he recognized that he was the exception, not the rule.

"When was the last time you slept?"

Finally looking away from her screen, she gazed up at him, her eyes red and puffy. She had been crying before he came in. "On the plane home."

"When was the last time you slept for more than a few hours?" He rephrased, watching her carefully.

"In a row?" Her voice cracked as another tear slipped out. "A while ago."

"That's what I thought. Do you need me to go over the physical effects of what lack of sleep does to the body?"

Squeaking, "no," she wiped the stray tear. "I know what they are."

"Okay, then." He grabbed her mouse, touching her warm hand in the process. Ignoring the flutters in his chest he closed out her paper. "Go home and get some sleep."

"Spencer, I can't." Pushing his hand away she pulled the paper back up. "I still have so much to do."

"Lila you're crying alone in your office over a paper that is really strong." She huffed which made him fight back a smile. "I'll help you."

Looking back up at him, she sighed. "Spencer…" She rubbed her hands over her face, placing her feet back on the floor. "You've helped me a lot with this already."

"I'll help you more. Lila, no matter what has happened between us I care about your academic success."

"Fine," she yielded. "Yes, please. I could really use the help."

"Are you free tomorrow?"

"My only plans were more stressing and crying over my paper."

He figured she was being sarcastic, but he wasn't sure. "Well, you're canceling those and coming over. I'll help you work on whatever part you want."

She nodded. "Yeah. Okay." He waited as she closed her computer, making sure she was going to leave. He backed up, giving her room to stand. Her clothes were wrinkled, no doubt from her sitting position. She picked up her bag that was resting next to her desk. "I'll come over after work then."

He smiled, happy that she was taking his offered help. Above all, she was his friend and if there was something, he could do to help her, he wanted to at least try.

Once she had her jacket, she turned off the lights and locked the door. He stayed with her, even after she said he didn't have to wait. But he insisted, partly because he didn't really believe she would leave if he didn't watch her and partly because he wanted to ask her what other changes she had made to her dissertation. It had been a while since he had read the thing in full. Just seeing her scroll through a few pages of it he could tell that she had continued to make edits.

They had both taken the train that day, so they continued walking together to the station. The conversation was easy as she told him what she had been doing since last time. She was smart. That was something he never doubted. The way she spoke in general captivated him but especially when she talked about her dissertation.

There wasn't a moment of awkwardness the whole train ride. They mostly talked about her paper and her upcoming defense. By the time her stop had rolled around they had moved onto books they had recently read. Well, that's what he was talking about. She was mostly listening. Her body language told him she was listening hard too. She was pushing herself forward, closer to him and her eyes never left his. She made him feel so at ease.

When it was her stop, she arose from her train seat. "This is me." She touched her jacket and bag, presumably making sure she had them with her. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow at work?"

He nodded. "Then after we can go over your paper more. Make sure to bring a physical copy with you."

"I know your aversion to technology." Her giggle brought a smile to his face. "I'll bring a couple paper copies." With one more smile from her and a wave, she stepped off the train. Turning her head, she gave him a final look as he continued his way to his own place.

Once home and inside, he sunk into the couch. Had he really just invited Lila over again? The last time seemed like so long ago. It had only been a few months, but time was really flying. And last time she was still with Ben. Not like that really mattered now anyways. Taken or single she didn't choose him.

That was fine. He didn't need her. She was a great friend and coworker and yes, he did find her really beautiful and sometimes thought about kissing her again. But anything romantic was in the past. It didn't work out years ago with JJ and it wasn't about to workout with her cousin.

Then there was Maeve. He had no idea what she looked like, just her voice, but she sounded really beautiful. Maeve is also extremely intelligent and gave him great medical advice on how to help his headaches. They hadn't totally disappeared, but they were a fraction as intense as they used to be. That was all thanks to Maeve.

He looked forward to their Sunday conversations. It quickly became his favorite day of the week. Sure, they had only been corresponding for a few months now, he felt really attached to her. It felt real with Maeve which was more than he could say about Lila. But there was the caveat of her stalker. That made things impossibly difficult.

Thinking about these women was starting to bring on another headache. It was already late; he'd forego reading a book and just quickly eat something and get ready for bed.

Xoxo

I couldn't go to sleep right away. I felt that I had to work just a bit more on my paper. Which did end up turning into a couple hours. However, I went to bed early enough to get a solid six hours.

Feeling more refreshed than I had in a while, I practically skipped around as I got ready. I didn't have a problem remembering to make several copies of my dissertation for Spencer as well as packing some extra clothes to change into. I was not about to do another revision wearing a blouse and dress pants.

At work, things felt normal. More than they had in a while. Spencer finding me mid break down at work seemed to help make things better. God, I was so over the awkwardness. I noticed Spencer pouring himself a cup of coffee so I went and joined him, my cup in hand.

"You'll be happy to know," I said, walking up to him. He perked up, still holding the coffee pot. As he passed it to me, I added, "I got almost six full hours of sleep."

He smiled. "And how does that have you feeling?"

"So, refreshed!" From his cubicle, Morgan glanced over at me, the volume of my voice having exponentially gone up. I felt too good to feel embarrassed and just waved at him.

I started pouring my coffee as Spencer said, "I'm glad you took my advice."

"Me too." I put the pot pack. "I didn't realize how worn down I was until I was having a breakdown."

"Do you still plan on coming over tonight to work on your dissertation?" His question caught me off guard. Since I got a better night's rest, did this mean he didn't want me to come over?

I clutched my cup tighter, the heat from the fresh coffee making it almost too hot to hold. "I had still planned on it," I rushed, "I have seven copies with me so we can make as many marks on it and some comfy clothes so I can, you know, be comfy as I stress over my future."

"Yes, of course," he smiled, and I relaxed, not realizing I was so tense. "I'm looking forward to seeing what you've done since last time."

After a few more pleasant exchanges, we both went back to work. Thankfully, nothing urgent came up and we were able to leave at a decent time without a hitch. I made sure I drove today, not wanting to rely on train schedules and end up possibly having to stay the night if we worked too late. Of course, that didn't stop me from thinking what it would be like to stay the night as his place. I'm sure he'd be the utmost gentleman. He'd offer his bed and say he would take the couch. But how could I do that when this is his apartment? I'd say I'd take the couch, but he'd still refuse. That's when I would say that I'm sure his bed is big enough for two…

No. Stop it. I can't afford to think like that. Things were finally good between us again. If I went ahead and made things weird again, I'd have to hand in my badge and just quit. There's no way I would be able to tolerate that.

I kept my mind as clear and professional as I could as I drove us over. Thankfully, Spencer is good at filling silences. Ask him one question and he can tell you everything under the sun about it. I love that about him. He's so passionate when he talks. His love of knowledge and learning is one of my favorite things about him.

Once inside, I pulled out the copies of my dissertation. "Here you are. If you want to start reading this while I change clothes. I'm sure you'll be finished before me."

He smiled and thanked me, instantly getting to work reading. With my bag in my hand, I went to his bathroom to change. The room was exactly as I remembered it. Plain and simple and very neat. Something was different than last time, though. On the bathroom sink were bottles of meds that I had never seen nor heard of before. Riboflavin. And some magnesium. As I put my sweatpants on, it made me a bit nervous that something was wrong.

Tugging my t-shirt into place, I shoved my work clothes back in my bag. I walked out of his bathroom to find him scribbling something on a copy of my paper. As I approached, he glanced up at me then back at the dissertation. "I see what you mean about that paragraph." Placing my bag next to his couch, I sat down next to him. "I think," he said, picking up the pages and showing it to me. "If you take these sentences and move them up here…"

That's what the next few hours were. His constructive criticism yet endless support was what I desperately needed. No one else knew my work like he did and no one else gave me advice the way he did either.

All six copies I brought ended up covered in marks. Spencer was constantly coming up with something new to add or a new way to move my existing words around. By the time he was satisfied with the progress, I was starving.

"Thank you so much, Spencer." I gathered all my papers. "Seriously. I don't know what I would do without you. But I am absolutely ravished now. I need to get something to eat."

"There's a really good Chinese place not that far," he quickly said as I went to grab my clothes bag. "It's the opposite direction of where you live so getting delivery would probably be best but if you don't want to, I understand."

I giggled and set my stuff back down. "I'd love to. Only if I'm not imposing."

He was right about the Chinese food being good. And they delivered in record time. I was thankful he asked me to stay longer.

"You're paper's stronger than ever. I don't think you have anything to worry about." He skillfully worked the chopsticks he, of course, owned to eat his fried rice.

I looked down at my own rice. "Thanks." I pushed the grains around with the fork I definitely needed to use. "I'm just… I'm so scared all my work is going to be for nothing."

"It won't be." His response was fast and sure. Picking my head up, I saw him staring at me. "Lila, you're smart. And that's coming from someone with a 187 IQ."

"Thanks," I repeated, grabbing a piece of hair and twisting. "Say, um, do you think, and feel free to say no, but do you think you could come with?"

"When you defend?"

I nodded. "Yeah, like if you could wait for me? You're the only other person who I know who's done this. Well, Blake has, but she's new and I don't know her that well. You're my friend and you've helped me so much with it and-"

He cut me off. "I'd be honored."

I felt a weight lifted off my chest. I had been wanting to ask him if he would but with things being so awkward before I didn't want to. He doesn't deserve to be put into that kind of situation. But knowing he'd be there where I get it or not instantly put a lot of my nerves at ease.

Once dinner was finished and garbage tossed, I got my stuff to leave again. "Thank you again, Spencer. Really." I stood up, putting my bag on my shoulder. "I'm so thankful to have you as a friend."

"I'm just happy I could help you," he said, rising with me and walking me to the door. "I do want to see you succeed."

Just before I opened the door, I recalled the pill bottles I had seen in the bathroom. "Oh, um, I don't mean to be nosy, but when I was changing in your bathroom, I saw some meds… Are you alright?

He looked away from my eyes. "Yeah. Those, uh, those were actually a recommendation for my headaches."

"Oh!" I rested my hand on the doorknob. "That's good. Are they working?"

"Yeah, they're actually a lot better."

"I'm so glad to hear that." From his avoiding gaze I guessed he didn't want to talk about it anymore. "Well," I started to open the door, "I should be going now. We still have work in the morning. Night, Spencer."

He wished me good night and I made my way downstairs to my car. Determined to get home and get more than six hours of sleep.

Wow! There you go! I did that! As for the future of the story, I honestly have no idea. All of my original ideas have kind of been erased which makes me very sad so I'm kind of starting from scratch. I still remember some of the big plot points but how we get there? Fuck if I know. And my writing has grown and changed a lot in the few years so trying to figure out how I want to work that in with old ideas. Idk man. We're in a pandemic. Anything is possible.