Chapter Twenty Two: Counting on

The next day came all too quickly. Remus and Sirius were at his side before breakfast both looking worried and tired. I guess I can blame myself for their lack of sleep, Harry thought bitterly.

Shortly after they arrived, an aide came in with a tray for him. Harry started down at the food, his panic rising as he felt his guardian's eyes on him.

XX for the muffin, XX for the eggs… yogurt is xx, and the sausage has way too much fat to even consider. Harry tallied the calories easily, now considering what he could allow himself to eat. He wanted to shove it all away, to refuse completely. But he knew that they were watching him, and his gut told him that he was better off eating of his own accord than picking a fight.

I'm allowed to have xxx for breakfast, as long as I don't have snacks… maybe I'll try to skip lunch… or dinner. He slowly started to eat a bit of the yogurt, trying to pretend he didn't notice the tension in the room. He wasn't sure when exactly he had started counting calories again. It was something he had done when he first came to Hogwarts, in his first year. After gorging himself to the point of sickness, and realizing that he would eventually be headed back to the Dursleys, he had started to be very cautious about how much he ate.

With more than half his food left on his plate, Harry leaned back, finished. He had been disappointed that there wasn't any coffee, but he couldn't really have expected that. He carefully sipped the tea they had given him, which he drank without cream or sugar, and hoped that it was at least caffeinated. Though after the discussion about his pill use, abuse the doctor called it, he knew the chances were slim.

Remus frowned at his still very full plate, "Harry, that's hardly enough breakfast… can you please try to eat a bit more?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "I'm not hungry," he protested, " I don't even normally eat breakfast."

Remus was about to argue with him more, but an orderly arrived and announced that he was going to take Harry for some testing. Remus sighed, but relented.

The tests took most of the morning, but they didn't hurt. The medi-witches and techs performing the tests couldn't tell him what they saw, but they stayed calm. When they finally wheeled him back to his room, a lunch tray was waiting, and Sirius and Remus looked determined.

Harry slid from the stretcher to his bed, biting his lip. He tried to act casual. "Have you guys been sitting here waiting all morning? You could have gone home, I'm okay."

Sirius rolled his eyes, jumping in before Remus could answer. "Harry, you aren't even close to fine! You're bloody starving yourself!" He said angrily.

Remus sighed, putting a hand to his head and muttering something to Sirius. "Harry, we are your guardians, we are staying here with you as much as they will let us. You aren't on your own anymore kid," he said fondly. "Now, lunch only just got here, we gave you a pass at breakfast, but I want to see you eat all of this."

Harry glanced down at the lunch tray, his mind tallying up the calories before he could stop it. I can't…. No no no…. I can't … Harry tried to take a deep breath, to calm the rising panic. "the tests they gave me…" he said carefully "they actually made me kind of sick to my stomach… I'm not really hungry at all."

Remus shook his head "Kid, you are so underweight, they said you could be damaging your heart! I'm sorry but I'm putting my foot down, you need to start eating normally again."

Harry bit his lip, a scowl setting on his face. He's putting his foot down? Where does he get off telling me what I need to start doing? I might have eaten half of this, but not if he's going to go on a power trip about it. Harry glanced down at the plate again, angrily, but also feeling a wave of relief. I just won't eat, he can't make me.

Remus and Sirius stared at Harry, waiting for his response, praying that he would pick up the sandwich and start eating. Remus stood at his side and crossed his arms, trying to sound stern. "Harry, you need to eat this lunch. It's for your safety, I'm sorry it's not your choice anymore."

"I'm not hungry," Harry said slowly, pronouncing each word, as if perhaps they had misunderstood him.

Now Sirius was standing too, resting his hands on the foot of his bed. "Pup, we don't care if you're hungry, your body needs the nutrients."

"Just take a bite," Remus pleaded, "you might like it."

Harry scoffed, yeah that's why I won't eat, because I don't like it. What an idiot. "I said I'm not hungry, I won't eat it," He said firmly.

An hour later they were in the same place, the lunch tray sitting tauntingly in the center of the tension. A knock at the door finally interrupted them, causing Harry to jump.

It was Lucy, and she seemed to instantly calculate the mood in the room, pausing at the door and giving them all a worried, evaluating look. "Did I interrupt something? I can come back…"

Sirius ran a hand angrily through his long hair. "No, come on in Lucy…" he said, trying not to sound frustrated. "how are you doing?"

She smiled, and stepped in, clearly taking in the scene, the full tray and the frustration which permeated each person in the room. "I'm doing alright," she said with a smile "though I'm sorry to be seeing you here Harry, how are you feeling?"

Harry shrugged, still angry at his guardians and frozen in place.

Remus stepped in and answered for him. "Harry is having a bit of trouble eating at the moment… have the doctors -"

"Yes, they filled me in! I actually just came from a meeting with your team Harry. I'd like a chance to talk with you alone for a bit, if that's okay?" She asked, looking at Sirius and Remus. "Then afterwards the three of us can chat for a bit?"

Harry thought about making a snarky remark, about not being included in what was after all, a meeting about him. But he held back, no reason to get himself into more trouble right now.

Remus and Sirius nodded, and with brief goodbyes to Harry, slipped out of the room. Lucy made her way around the bed and settled into one of the chairs beside his bed. The full tray still sat between them.

She settled her things beside her, then turned to Harry, giving him her full attention. "So" she said awkwardly "it's been a little while since I've seen you…"

Harry sighed, feeling his anger and frustration melt a bit. He chewed his lip, unsure what to say to her. I should apologize… explain… it's not her fault I'm a mess…. That it was all too much… but he couldn't find the words.

After a pause, Lucy added "I know therapy is hard for you Harry. And I appreciate all of the work you put in this past summer. I don't know what exactly happened, to lead from there to this. But I want you to know I am not angry with you, and if you would like to explain it to me, I'm happy to listen."

Harry shrugged, "I don't know Lou…." He said carefully, forcing each word out like he was pulling teeth. "I just…. I didn't …. I got to school, and I just wanted everything to be back to normal. People were treating me differently, and I needed to make it normal again… so I just shut off that part of my brain… but I couldn't do that if I still saw you…"

Lucy sighed, nodding in understanding. "And it got harder and harder to shut off your emotions? So you had to resort to lying? And all those poor coping mechanisms you learned when you were young?" She guessed. "And the more you tried to control, the more out of control things felt?"

Harry looked away, knowing she could read the expression in his face. "I had it under control… Draco just ruined everything."

"How did Draco ruin things?" She asked softly.

Harry hesitated, not wanting to share Draco's secret. "He told me something …. Something I had to tell Snape…. But he didn't want me to. And we were racing to his office, trying to get there first so that I could tell him, before Draco tattled on me… and that's when I passed out."

"Hmmm" Lucy hummed softly. "From what I've heard, it sounds like Draco may have saved your life."

Harry scoffed, but didn't reply.

"Have you self harmed at all?" She asked matter of factly.

Harry shook his head, "I really haven't, I promise… I don't want to go back to that." He swallowed, thinking of his detentions with Umbridge. That doesn't count… it's not the same. He clenched his left hand, hoping the scar wasn't too noticeable.

Lucy smiled "I'm glad to hear that Harry, I know you worked really hard to quit." She paused, trying to phrase her next question more delicately. "Have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself? Of ending your life?"

Harry chewed his lip for a moment, "no, not like I did. Not like before."

Lou cocked her head to the side "what does that mean?"

Harry shrugged "I don't know… I'm not going to kill myself… I don't want to die, I promise… I guess I'm just tired."

Lucy nodded, "I'm not surprised Harry, you're battling a lot right now, I'm sure it's exhausting. We all want to help you to stay safe, and to help you overcome this, okay Harry? But I need you to keep talking to us about how you're feeling." After Harry nodded, she moved on. "Can we talk about the eating now?"

Harry sighed heavily, "do we have to?"

"I'm afraid so, can you explain to me what's going on?"

"I don't know!" He complained "everyone is panicking, I'm fine. I eat when I'm hungry."

Lucy frowned disbelievingly "Do you really?" When Harry didn't answer she probed farther. "Okay, so if you had your way, how would you eat?"

"What do you mean?" Harry asked cautiously.

"What do you normally like to eat, take me through your day."

Harry shrugged, sensing a trap. But he obliged. He talked Lucy through his day, his rules for when he ate, and what. He worried that he may have said too much, but he had a feeling she had read him the moment that she walked into the room.

"Thank you for sharing that with me" she said as she made a note on the papers in her lap. "How do you feel about your appearance?"

Harry shrugged "I don't know… why?"

"Well," Lucy said carefully "it's not uncommon for people who struggle with food to have poor self image as well."

There was a long silence, Harry stared at his hands. Clearly she already knows… Why does she want me to say it? She can't see that I'm a fat pig…. Do I really need to say it out loud?

After a long silence Lucy started to gather her papers. "I know this is really hard Harry, but you did great today. We're going to help you through this, I promise."

Harry Potter watched as she stood, his eyes following her as she went to leave the room. "So now you're all going to go talk about me? Make all the plans for my life?" He asked bitterly. "No one even bothers to ask me what I want."

Lucy paused, contemplating this. "Why don't we make a deal Harry? I need to talk to your guardians first. We need to talk about how you are doing, and what their concerns are. But after we are done talking we can all sit down and talk about the options together. I'm not promising that you will get a say in the decision… Right now you are having trouble keeping yourself safe, and we need to make decisions to keep you safe. But we can at least include you in the process."