Hi! Who thought I would update again? I know I wasn't sure it was going to happen! I'm winging it a bit and you know what? I feels good. Also, I know shit about the PhD process as I don't have one and never looked it up so there's that. And my Master's program doesn't require a thesis. I know what you're thinking, this bitch is getting a Master's and writes like shit? I'm as surprised as you are

Enjoy! And thank you to everyone who interacted with this story! I wasn't sure anyone would after such a long ass hiatus. Much love!

My heart was pounding in my chest. "God, I feel sick."

"Those are just nerves." Spencer didn't look over at me, opting to keep his eyes on the road. "You'll be fine."

"Says the man with multiple PhDs," I grumbled, fidgeting in my seat.

He chuckled softly. "That's what makes me qualified to say it."

I rolled my eyes, my stomach doing flips knowing today is the day. "You didn't have to drive me, you know. I could do it myself."

"It's not a problem. It's much safer for me to drive you then you to drive given how nervous you are." I tuned him out as he started to rattle off statistics about people being in crashes because they were distracted.

My mind was going over my paper again and how I just wanted everything to be over and done with. I was sick of school. I was sick of research. I just wanted my fucking PhD.

"I can't." I closed my eyes and set my head back on the headrest. "I need to sit down."

"You are sitting."

I groaned again, wanting the next however long to just be done and over with already.

Xoxo

My heart was pounding in my chest and in my ears. I was practically running full speed out of the door, to the elevator, and down to the lobby.

"Spencer!"

Just as he had promised a few weeks ago, and when he picked me up, and in the car after he parked, he was there waiting for me. Hearing my voice, he perked up. As he said he would be, he was waiting patiently in the lobby in a chair. His bag no doubt weighing heavy from the several books he brought to read. Stuffing one back inside, he rose.

"Spencer!" I shouted again as I just launched myself into his arms. "Oh, my god…" I basically sobbed, hugging him tightly. My head buried in his neck.

He didn't hesitate in his response. "Hey," he cooed, keeping me close. "It's okay. There's no need to cry about it. We can work on it and-"

"Spence." I pulled away, wiping my eyes. "I did it! I'm officially Doctor Lila O'Haul!"

A huge grin broke out across his face as he hugged me again. I squealed as I reciprocated, the pressure and stress from the past several months coming to fruition. I was just so fucking happy: all my hard work, sleepless nights, the endless stress, and my dedication finally paid off.

Dr. Lila O'Haul.

It had the perfect ring to it.

"I'm so proud of you!" He said, squeezing me hard. "I knew you could do it!"

"Thank you." I released my arms from around him, noting how much cooler the air felt without his body there. "I don't think I could have done this without you." I took a step back, making sure to keep eye contact. "Honestly, you've been a saving grace this whole time."

A simple pink colored his cheeks as he shrugged. "I just wanted to help."

"You helped more than you could ever know." I felt myself start to step closer, but I stopped. The desire to kiss Spencer was once again strong but I reframed. I was flooded with so many emotions I knew that was the cause but knowing this information didn't make it any easier. Spencer is my friend. I can't risk that again.

An awkward beat of silence passed between us. The way he started shifting his weight on his feet I knew he felt the sudden tension. Clearing his throat, he said, "I think you should call Garcia."

Without hesitation, I pulled out my phone. "You're right! I have so many people to call!"

"You should start with Garcia."

"Okay…" I scrolled to her contact. "Why?"

Xoxo

"Ah!" Penelope smacked Derek's hand away from the tray of brownies. "Those are for the party! No touching now!"

"Ain't nobody gonna notice one missing," he tried to reason with her. She huffed, grabbing the whole tray and moving it to the opposite side of the fold out table.

"I'll notice." She started to rearrange the food to make room for the new addition. "Besides, this is for Dr. Lila. She gets first choice."

Morgan tried again to grab a brownie and received another smack. "Why ask me to help if you're just gonna abuse me?"

"Because…" She gave him a hard look. "You're the strongest man I know and perfect for doing heavy lifting."

Giving up on having a treat, he fell into her couch. "I'd hardly say moving a few tables and chairs constitutes as 'heavy lifting'."

"Well then, you've foiled my perfect plan to get you alone in my apartment."

"Mama, you know if you want alone time all you have to do is ask."

Before she could come up with a clever retort, one of her several phones started ringing. "Hello! My Dolly! Tell me good news!"

"I did it!" Lila's voice sang through the phone. "I have a PhD!"

"Eek! Dr. Blondie! I love it! We all knew you could do it!" Garcia looked over at Morgan who was smiling proudly.

"I'm just… so relieved for it to be over."

"Oh, I can't even imagine the stress you've been going through with that and normal work and maybe some repressed sexual energy…" Morgan threw a pillow at her which she quickly threw back.

"Penny." Lila was firm and final.

"I know I know," she said, giving Morgan a glare before he could toss the pillow back. "I know Boy Genius is right there."

"You do?"

"He may be part of an intricate plan I created to celebrate you getting your doctorate." Garcia scrunched her face as she confessed her actual plan.

"I'm sorry, what?!"

"I may be planning a party for you and Reid may be in charge of transporting you around so I can time everything perfectly and then you don't have to worry about drinking and driving-"

"Drinking and driving?!"

"And one handsome Derek Morgan may be here helping me get ready and trying to eat all the brownies I baked for you."

"Hi, Little Miss Lila!" Derek yelled from the couch. "This wasn't my idea!"

"Listen I am all for getting wasted tonight but a party? That's way too much. You don't need it."

"I know but I already did and everyone's coming and it's going to be great I'll see you soon, love you!" Before Lila could say another word, Penelope hung up the call and shoved her phone into her bra.

Still grinning, Derek rose and sauntered over to Garcia. "That went perfectly."

"Oh, shush." She swatted his arm again. "This is going to be perfect and she's going to have a great time."

And Garcia was right. After the initial shock and Lila insisting that it was unnecessary, the new Doctor loosened up and was easily swayed. Of course, Penelope made sure Lila always had a drink in her hand.

While grabbing another plate of yummy snacks, JJ came up to Penelope with the same idea.

"These brownies are really good." JJ added not one, but two onto the disposable plate.

"Aren't they!? I'm so pleased they turned out!" Penelope grabbed one for herself.

Across the room, Lila looked to be in a deep conversation with Spencer. "Looks like she's having fun," JJ said, jerking her head in her cousin's direction.

Penelope let out an audible gasp. "Do you think this is it?" She tried to keep her voice hushed so only JJ could hear. "Are they finally gonna get together!?"

"Calm down," JJ laughed. "They'll get there on their own time."

"But I ship them so hard!" Penelope said, gritting her teeth. "Can't they just… You know?" Plate in one hand, she mocked pushing two things together. Like Lila and Spencer's head. Together. Kissing.

JJ laughed, shaking her head. "If they're meant to be then it'll happen. Until then, let them be."

Despite JJ's negativity (at least it was negative to Penelope), she did everything to get Lila and Spencer to converse. To be fair, the apartment wasn't that big so it's not like she was doing anything extreme. Just some gentle pushes.

As the evening wound down, there were less and less people for Lila to talk to which meant more opportunities for her to talk to Reid. Finally, it was just the two doctors, Morgan, and Garcia left. Except, Morgan was getting ready to leave. "I promised Savannah breakfast in bed tomorrow," he said, grabbing his coat. Penelope walked him to the door.

"This is perfect, it's just the two of them and look how cozy they are on the couch." She glanced back over to the two remaining guests. Well, one remaining guest as Lila was forbidden from leaving so, she could have as much fun as she wanted.

"Think you might be going a little overboard," Derek laughed at Penelope's excitement. "Let them breathe."

"Fine. Fine. I'll…" She drummed her fingers against her leg, pursing her lips. "I'll shower and head to bed. They can have the whole living room area to themselves."

"Not what I meant." He grabbed the doorknob. "Behave yourself. Seriously."

"Stop it!" She swatted him yet again. "You know it's impossible for me to behave myself."

With final smiles and parting words, Derek was out the door and she was left with her favorite almost couple.

"Well, my pretties." Garcia made her way over to the couch. Lila was leaning into whatever Reid had been saying. "We're the remaining party."

"Should I leave?" Reid asked, looking from Lila to Penelope.

"No!" Both women shouted.

"I like talking with you," Lila said, lightly touching his leg.

Grinning, Penelope said, "You stay and talk with Lila. I'm going to go into my room and get ready for snoozles." As she started backing up, she added, "Stay as long as you like!" She felt very proud of herself as she closed her bedroom door behind her, giving them privacy.

Xoxo

Waking up wasn't as painful as I anticipated. My head was pounding, and my stomach felt queasy but not terrible. Some food and probably coffee would do me some good.

Feeling weak and woozy, I stumbled to the kitchen and started a pot. While that brewed, I rummaged through Penelope's fridge for food, finding a nice, fresh loaf of bread. Toast sounded amazing right now.

I was pouring myself a cup when Penelope opened her door. She stepped out, wearing a very Penelope fuzzy robe. She didn't seem hungover either. At least one of us was responsible.

"Good morning, Dr. Dolly!" Not hungover and too cheery.

I gave a bland, "Hey," response as the toast popped out.

"How are you feeling?" She questioned, quickly giving me elevator eyes. I had managed to get into the pajamas I brought over. At least I was comfortable while I slept.

I shrugged. "Not like a truck hit me. Maybe more like a small car?"

"You did seem to be having a lot of fun last night." She raised her eyebrows, keeping a hard look on me.

"This," I gestured to my disheveled state, "is not a direct result of your party. Which was actually a lot of fun. But this is a result of the shots I took after Spencer left."

"You better give me every single detail because it took all my self-control not to spy on you guys last night."

With my toast on my plate, I took a sip of coffee. Almost feeling relief. "Before I do that," I said, moving to take a nibble of my very nutritious breakfast. "I need you to promise to remain calm at all times."

Quick as a flash of lightning, Garcia moved her right index finger over her heart in an 'X' pattern. "Cross my heart, Blondie. Spill."

"Well," I began hesitantly, knowing full well she would not remain calm. "We were talking and then we started making out-"

Her gasp could have shattered the sound barrier. She was not remaining calm as she slammed her palms down on her kitchen counter. "Shut the front door!" I grimaced at her loudness. "I can't believe it! Well, I can, I helped make it happen. But you and Spencer!" She squealed.

"Penny," I deadpanned. "What part of this is remaining calm?"

Quickly composing herself, she said, "You're right. You're right. I'm sorry." She smoothed out her robe. "Okay. I'm calmly taking in the fact that you and our beloved Boy Wonder were making out on my couch. How much making out is making out?"

"Like tongue-in-mouth-on-his-lap making out."

If I wasn't mistaken, her face was starting to turn red from how hard she was trying not to react. "Okay. Make out make out."

"Yeah," I continued, drinking more coffee. "So that happened and then suddenly he pushes me off him, rambles some half assed apology, and leaves."

"He did what!?"

"I know!" I matched her tone this time, residual pain and annoyance from last night resurfacing. "I don't get it."

"Maybe he didn't like it?" Her reasoning sounded just as weak as Spencer's excuse.

I took another bite of toast and brushed some crumbs off my shirt. "Oh, trust me, he liked it."

"Too much too fast?"

"Then why didn't he just say that!" I basically threw the toast back on the plate. "I gave him every opportunity to stop or say no. A simple 'hey let's slow down' would have been sufficient. He didn't need to shove me off him and run out of the apartment."

"Yeah…" She started pouring herself some coffee. "That does sound strange. We're going to have to get to the bottom of this."

I chuckled. "'We' aren't doing anything. I'm going to find out what the fuck happened last night. After I eat and shower and have you take me back to my apartment," I quickly added and gave her a weak smile, remembering I don't have my car here with me.

She laughed. "You're my prisoner here and shall do what I say." I rolled my eyes but smiled. "And I say you need to find out how someone with a 187 IQ can be so smart but so dumb."

Xoxo

I was parked down the block from Spencer's apartment. My stomach no longer queasy from alcohol but now straight nerves. He had no idea I was coming over. I didn't want to give him the option to come up with some piss poor excuse.

Before leaving I sent Penny a text and I made it. I also noticed an email notification from Emily.

I'm so happy for you! When you ever come out here *wink wink* I'll buy you as many drinks as you want!

I smiled, happy to still be in contact with her across the world.

Taking a deep breath, I exited and locked my car. Marching up to his apartment had my heart racing. Everything seemed to be going so well last night and even if something was wrong, I wish he would have stayed so we could have talked it out then.

I knocked on his door. From inside I heard him call "Just a minute!" My stomach was in knots as he opened up. "Lila." He didn't look disheveled or anything. In fact, he looked completely put together and relaxed in casual sweatpants and a T-shirt. Not drinking does have its advantages, I guess.

"We need to talk." I pushed past him to come inside. "What the fuck happened last night?" I got straight to the point.

"I'm not sure what you mean…" He looked anywhere but at me.

I was getting annoyed. "I mean, things seemed fine and I thought you were enjoying yourself then all of a sudden you push me away and left. Explain."

He started fiddling with his fingers. "I just…"

My heart started beating faster. "I like you, Spencer. A lot. And I know I've been really dumb about it, okay? So dumb. And you're my friend and I know that that's what's most important and I don't want to risk that anymore or put any more strain on it. Things were feeling fine again. But after last night I can't keep looking at you and feeling this fluttering in my chest and ignoring it because it feels real and scary and maybe uncertain. I just…" I took a deep breath. "I want to be with you and, you know, kiss you more."

The way his shoulders sank made my heart do it too. "Lila…" His tone was flat, almost defeated. "I don't think I can."

"Why not?" My throat tightened, making my voice rise and break. "Was I a terrible kisser last night? Because it sure felt like you enjoyed me."

"That's not…" He sighed. "Yes, you are a great kisser and yes, I was enjoying myself."

"Then what, Spencer? What's wrong?" My keys were clenched in my hand as I started to tremble. Emotions getting the better hold of me.

His voice matched the same volume as mine. "Because I don't trust you."

I froze, completely taken aback by his comment. "You… you don't trust me?" I breathed, almost staggering back.

"The truth is, Lila," he began, way calmer and more collected than I felt. "I trust you with my life but not with my heart."

"Oh." My world shattered around me. The air in his apartment suddenly became nonexistent as my throat closed even more.

"I'd rather just be with someone who knows where their feelings are."

I couldn't meet his eyes. "Okay…" Again, I was pushing past him, this time to leave. "I should go then." He didn't make any move to stop me, simply letting me go. My mind was whirling so fast, filled with hurt, and anger, and just sadness. He wanted someone who knew how they felt, and I spent too much time being unsure.

A thought gripped me as I went to leave where I could fall apart in peace. He knew what he wanted. There was no doubt. Someone had shown him what it was like to have those feelings reciprocated. "I hope she makes you happy." It took all my strength to meet his eyes.

There wasn't any hesitation. "She does."

I bit my lip as I closed his door, trying to keep it together as I got to my car. I didn't want to risk him seeing me fall apart from his window. Once I was safely inside, I screamed, pounding on the steering wheel. "FUCK!" I cried until my voice was hoarse and my eyes were so blurred with tears I couldn't safely drive.

I couldn't believe I was this stupid. I had the greatest guy willing to give this a shot at JJ and Will's wedding and I fucked it up because I didn't know what I wanted. I was hurt from Ben and I didn't want to pass that along to Spencer. I can't say I blame him for not trusting me. I don't think I trust me.

And there's someone else… Someone who gets to call Spencer theirs. He moved on and he's happy. I guess I should be happy he's happy, right? But the pain in my chest has me feeling otherwise.

God, I'm a fuck up. And now I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Or, rather, inaction.

Penny told me to call her when I had figured things out. I need to talk to her, but I don't have it in me to disclose everything.

She picked up on the first ring. "Dr. Blondie! Please tell me some happily ever after news!"

"I can't do that right now," I said, trying to control my breathing so I wasn't sobbing hysterically anymore.

She gasped. "Why are you crying?! What happened!?"

I wiped the tears from my eyes as I continued talking. "I'll tell you later. But remember how Emily keeps asking about us visiting her? How do you feel about booking that trip to England?"

I know I mentioned earlier that I was messing with the timeline and before that really bothered me but you know what? It's fanfic. Who cares. Timelines? I don't know her. We're doing whatever we want because we can. Time does not exist in a pandemic.